                                Star Wars 

                           Wizard's RPG Stories

          source : http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=starwars/newsarchive
          upload : 10.IV.2006


     Swoop and Dive

     By Morrie Mullins

     Kerd K'Kerren, a famous swoop racer, arrives in Cularin. "It's, you know,
something to do that's not war. And Cularin's someplace to, you know,  do  it.
Good place to be, right?" For once, Yara Grugara may have met her match in  an
interview. This Living Force supplement ties in to  the  scenario  "Cloak  and
Vebroblader."

     Hello, friends. This is  Yara  Grugara,  reporting  for  Cularin  Central
Broadcasting. Over the past few months, Yara has done a lot  of  very  serious
pieces for the network. That's good. Serious is good. Because the galaxy is  a
serious place, and Yara is a serious woman. But there is a time  and  a  place
for seriousness, and if anyone knows that you can't be serious all  the  time,
it's Yara. Plus, her producers seem to think Yara  is  getting  a  little  bit
self-important. What do they know, though? If they  were  so  brilliant,  they
would be in front of the holorecorders.

     So today, Yara has scheduled an interview with a newcomer to the  Cularin
system, a gentleman named Kerd K'Kerren. Many of  you  may  be  familiar  with
Kerd's daring exploits. From his humble beginnings as a Podracer in the  Outer
Rim, Kerd has traveled the galaxy. He's flown for every major race team,  from
SoroSuub to the Hutt Racing Program, and has  turned  down  more  sponsorships
than Master Lanius has turned down interview requests from  yours  truly  -  -
which says something. He's won races on Tatooine, Coruscant,  and  over  three
dozen other worlds, and has never finished lower than second  when  his  racer
hasn't experienced "mechanical problems." Now he's come to Cularin,  and  it's
Yara's duty to find out why. Welcome to the studio, Kerd K'Kerren.

     There is a smattering of applause from off-camera, sounding like it comes
from stage hands and other minor functionaries on the CCB set. As the applause
dies down, a young man saunters onto the set and grins in the direction of the
camera. He wears a skin-tight suit of rancor hide trimmed with white and brown
fur. Enormous black boots rise to mid-thigh, where they seem to be strapped in
place with steel bands. The only flesh visible on his body is  on  his  hands,
neck, and face, and every inch of skin is covered in intricate green and  gold
tattoos, including the left side of his head, which is completely  shaved  and
tattooed with swirls and checks. The right side of  his  head  seems  to  have
sprouted a shock of hair the color and texture of late summer grass. A  single
horn - - very much like an Iktotchi's - - curves down from his left temple and
ends inches from his mouth. A small microphone is mounted on the  tip  of  the
horn, which clearly isn't something he was born with, but is just  as  clearly
permanently attached to his head. He turns toward  one  of  the  cameras  that
isn't currently active, spreads his arms, and grins.

     Kerd: Hello, Koooooooooo-larin!

     Yara: Kerd? That camera.

     She points. Kerd turns toward the camera that's active, grins  even  more
broadly, and spreads his arms again.

     Kerd: Welcome to Kooooooooo-larin!

     Yara: I think that's my line, Kerd.

     Kerd sits. He shimmies in his seat, seeming to dance to music  that  only
he hears, then reaches up and adjusts the mic on the end of his horn.

     Kerd: Nah. It's mine. No doubt about it. Welcome to Kooooooooo-larin! Got
a nice ring to it, don't you think?

     Yara: Except for the fact that it's pronounced kew-lar-in,  not  koo-lar-
in, I suppose it does.

     Kerd: I scoff. Hah! Wanna see?

     He twists his face into a half-smirk, pulling the left side of his  upper
lip almost all the way up to his nose and squinting his right eye most of  the
way shut.

     Kerd: That's scoffing, sweetmeat.

     Yara: Excuse me?

     Kerd:  Scoffing.  You  know,  expressing  derision,  in  this  case   for
information  I  really  didn't  want  or  need.  Like,  how  to   mispronounce
Kooooooooo-larin, when it's so much, well, cooler to pronounce it the way  the
Kerd-man does! You know, you're kind of hot. What's your number?

     Yara: "The Kerd-man"? You can't be serious.

     Kerd: Nah. You've seen my scoffing face. That wasn't it. I'm all  serious
now. This is the Kerd-man, and you're all welcome to Kooooooo-larin!  You  may
have called it something else before, but now that I'm here - - it's just that
much kooooooo-ler!

     Yara licks her lips, adjusts the notes in front  of  her,  and  forces  a
smile.

     Yara: We were rather like backwater savages before you arrived, Kerd-man.
Can I call you Kerd-man?

     Kerd: You bet. What's your number?

     Yara: So tell me, Kerd-man, what is it that brought you to Cularin?

     Kerd: Well, I'll tell you, sweetmeat - -

     Yara: Sorry. Sorry to interrupt. Would you please not refer  to  Yara  in
that manner? It makes her uncomfortable.

     Kerd: Shyeah. Sure. Who's Yara, and what should I call her instead?

     Yara: I am Yara, you - - I mean, I'm Yara. And you can call me Yara.

     Kerd: Cool. Where can I call you?

     Yara: You were going to tell me what it is that brought the  Kerd-man  to
Cularin.

     Kerd: Whoa. Denied. Right, so why is the Kerd-man here? A couple reasons.
One, I heard that Koooooooo-larin's got some eye-twisting Podrace action going
on, with big sponsorship opportunities. You got your little-people Cartel, and
that's nice. It's good to give funny-looking types something to do every  once
in a while, so throw the little guys a bone. That's what I always say. So they
got control of your trade, and that's all special and stuff.  Good  deal.  But
they also got a lot of credits, which is, like, way beyond what you  ought  to
do for little folks like that. Because they don't know what to do with it. But
then they, like, go out and build Podrace tracks, and  things  get  wild.  So,
that's cool.

     Yara: I don't think I understood a word you just said.

     Kerd: You're not very bright, are you?

     Yara: At least I can count to two. That wasn't two reasons why  you  came
to Cularin. It was either one, or eleven. But it wasn't two.

     Kerd: Heh. Whoa. Okay, it can't be eleven, since you've  still  got  your
shoes on, so the counting can't have got that high. So it must be one. Which I
guess means the other reason the Kerd-man came to Kooooooo-larin is  this  war
thing. You heard about that?

     Yara: Yes, we're aware of it.

     Kerd: It make you nervous?

     Yara: I think wars make everyone nervous.

     Kerd: Ever want to find a  man  to  cuddle  up  with  and  make  all  the
scariness go away?

     Yara (deep breath): First, "nervous" and "scared" aren't the same  thing.
Second - - sure. We all need to be held.

     Kerd (grinning): You need a man. What's your number?

     Yara (too sweetly): I'll give it to the first real man I meet.

     Kerd: Whoa. Denied again.

     Yara: So, you're here in Cularin to hide from the war. How heroic of you.

     Kerd: Hey, now. The Kerd-man's a pilot,  not  a  warrior.  You  ever  see
what's left of a ship after it gets unloaded on with a  bunch  of  fire-linked
turbolasers, maybe some photon torpedoes? I tell you, s'not much. Just  little
bits of dust and scraps of metal and goop that kind of heads  off  into  space
until it hits something with an atmosphere and burns up, and that's the end of
it, nothing left of you but whatever hasn't hit an  atmosphere  yet,  but  the
galaxy's only so big, and sooner or later, all  your  little  goopy  bits  are
gonna hit something or another. Nah, Kerd-man just flies the Pods. That's  all
he wants and all he needs.

     Yara: I see from your list of sponsors that you once flew for the  Hutts.
What was that like?

     Kerd: Oh, sweet little baby, let me tell you! You've  never  flown  until
you've flown Hutt Air! It's like, they bring you in and say, "Oota goota boota
froota," and you're like, "Huh?" and they're like, "Oota goota boota  froota."
And you're like, "Um, okay." And then there's all these hot femmes around, and
most of them even have all their pieces still, and you got the hottest ship in
the galaxy, and the guys that are working on it used to work  at  places  like
Sluis Van until they got picked up in the wrong place at the  wrong  time  and
started working for the Hutts to pay off some debts. So everything you  want's
right there.

     Yara: Was there a particular Hutt you flew for?

     Kerd: Nah. It's not like that. Jabba and me talked a few times, but can I
tell you something?

     Yara (deadpan): I'm breathless with anticipation.

     Kerd: That guy's gross! I'm standing there talking to him and he picks up
this slimy critter with long, floppy legs out of a vat by his little podium or
whatever it is he sits on. Then he pops it in his mouth, but he's so  fat,  he
can't even close his mouth fast, so the thing about crawls out before  Jabba's
mouth pops down and splat! I got reptile guts all down my shirt,  and  one  of
the thing's legs is stuck to the ceiling.

     Yara: Fascinating. So I understand that you've never come in  lower  than
second in any race where you haven't experienced technical malfunctions. True?

     Kerd: You best believe. I fly like  nobody's  business.  Nobody  outflies
Kerd K'Kerren. Nobody! This one time, on Tatooine, there was this  little  kid
who took out Sebulba in a race. Just a runty guy, and Sebulba  -  -  well,  he
used to be pretty cool. And everybody made a big deal about this kid. I  don't
even remember his name. He doesn't race any more - - one of  those  child-star
types. He's probably in some gutter on some nowhere world now, sucking on  his
last deathstick. It always happens. Anyway, this  kid,  he  just  ran  Sebulba
over, and everyone was like, Man, this kid is great. But what no one knows is,
I was scheduled to race that day. Just didn't. Had engine trouble. Some  droid
dropped a hydrospanner in my outflow. So I  didn't  race,  Sebulba  lost,  and
nobody knows I would've won.


     The?runty guy? at home.

     Yara: So you have a lot of technical malfunctions, then?

     Kerd: A lot? I don't know about a lot. Everybody has some. It's racing.

     Yara: Right. I have some statistics. I'm going to  share  them  with  our
viewers at home. It looks like you've entered  over  700  races  in  the  past
decade. Does that sound about right?

     Kerd: Yeah, I guess. Give or take.

     Yara: Of those 700, you've won 50, and come in second in another 82. That
sound right?

     Kerd: You better believe it, beautiful. You're  looking  at  a  top-shelf
winner. None better. You know you want  to  give  the  Kerd-man  your  number.
Right?

     Yara: Funny you should mention numbers, Kerd-man. Because based on what I
just said, you've come in first or second in  132  races  out  of  around  700
you've entered.

     Kerd: Yeah. So?

     Yara: So you also told us that every race in which you  haven't  come  in
first or second, it's been because of mechanical problems.

     Kerd (finally catching on): Yeah?

     Yara: Oh, it just seems like 568 mechanical problems  is  a  lot,  that's
all. You ever consider getting a new mechanic?

     Kerd: The Kerd-man does all his own work!

     Yara: Right. Like I said, you ever consider getting a new mechanic?

     Kerd: Hey, the Kerd-man doesn't have to sit here and take this abuse -  -
not when the Kerd-man's finally here in Kooooooo-larin! Everything's different
now, people. Welcome to Kooooooo-larin! Welcome to Kooooooo-larin!  The  Kerd-
man's here! Welcome to Koooooooooo - -

     The screen goes blank. We hear "larin!" followed by a sharp smack and  an
indignant "Ow!" Silence. Then Yara appears. She's on a different set,  dressed
differently, and her smile is no longer quite so forced.

     There you have it, race fans. Kerd K'Kerren has come to  Cularin.  Recent
reports indicate that he's looking to obtain the sponsorship of the Metatheran
Cartel. Until such time as a major Podrace occurs, though, when we can all see
the Kerd-man's mechanical skills in action, you can find him at this address.

     An address for a hotel on Tolea Biqua scrolls across the  bottom  of  the
screen.

     And on behalf of everyone in the system, I suppose it's kind of my  duty.
So, Kerd-man, welcome to Cularin. May your stay be as long as it has to be.