Nautical Noobs

Noobtown Book 6 (A LitRPG Adventure)

Ryan Rimmel

Copyright © 2021 Ryan Rimmel

All rights reserved

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN-13: 9781234567890
ISBN-10: 1477123456

Copyright © 2021 Ryan Rimmel All rights reserved

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN-13: 9781234567890
ISBN-10: 1477123456

Cover design by: Copyright © 2021 Ryan Rimmel All rights reserved

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

ISBN-13: 9781234567890
ISBN-10: 1477123456

Cover design by: Alexandre Rito
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309
Printed in the United States of America

To Joyce Williams, the best grandma-in-law that a guy could ask for.  Thank you for helping raise Sarah to be patient, loving, and patient some more.  I promise that your beloved granddaughter, and the children I've made with her, will be loved and cared for forever.

Thanks to Alexandre Rito @ Podium for the great cover!

Thanks to the rest of the Podium crew, Victoria, Emily, and JMAC.

Also, thanks to all of you who continue to read this.

Thanks to JasonK and BenH for being tolerant alpha readers.  

Finally, thanks to Jessica M, Shaun K, as well as BrittanyK, Jasonglh, KarenN, Mike, SamR, SeanR, and ZackaryJ.  You know what you did.  

Also, FordLove, BobofDoom, AnorakUK, parry, jackal and Tricky357.  

PS Walker, totally gave you an eldrich horror.  

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Other books by Ryan Rimmel

Chapter 1 - Sailing over the Ocean Blue

Chapter 2 - Destination Windfall

Chapter 3 - Knotty Thoughts

Chapter 4 - Time to go Fishing

Chapter 5 - Time for Rapid Action

Chapter 6 - Post Battle Blues

Chapter 7 - What Not to do with an Elder Demon

Chapter 8 - Island Adventure

Chapter 9 - The Cold Dark Room

Chapter 10 – Seadogs

Chapter 11 - Out of the Fire and into the Ocean

Chapter 12 - Loraine’s World

Chapter 13 - Under the Sea

Chapter 14 - Badgelor in Distress

Chapter 15 - Legal Troubles

Chapter 16 - The Arena

Chapter 17 - We Need a Boat

Chapter 18 - The Power of a Remort

Chapter 19 - The Duke and Duchess

Chapter 20 - A Perfectly Rational Response

Chapter 21 - Epic Preparation

Chapter 22 - The Mayor and the Princess

Chapter 23 - He Flies Through the Air

Chapter 24 – Sailing

Chapter 25 - A Burial at Sea

Chapter 26 - Beam me up

Chapter 27 – Plotting

Chapter 28 - The Legacy of Bird Law

Chapter 29 - Adventures with Wargs

Chapter 30 - Being the Mayor

Chapter 31 - Slap Happy

Chapter 32 - The Inner Sanctum

Chapter 33 - Preparing Pirate Plans

Chapter 34 - Return to Windfall

Chapter 35 - The Creek House

Chapter 36 - Investigating the Scene

Chapter 37 - The Most Fearsome of Beasts

Chapter 38 - General Mayoring

Chapter 39 - The Most Exciting Day Ever

Chapter 40 - Search and Rescue

Chapter 41 - The Great Chili Contest

Chapter 42 - That’s one Irate Princess

Chapter 43 - Crafting and Swords

Chapter 44 - Dark Luck

Chapter 45 - New and Improved

Chapter 46 - In the Rain

Chapter 47 - Secret Lair

Chapter 48 - Quiet Night, Unholy Night

Chapter 49 - What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Chapter 50 – Cursebreaker

Chapter 51 - The Bird is Always the Word

Chapter 52 - Maggie Strikes

Chapter 53 - Finding the Perp

Chapter 54 - The Rescue

Chapter 55 - Tale of Two Ashes

Chapter 56 - It’s a Jim Thing

Chapter 57 - The Battle for Windfall

Chapter 58 - The Knightly Mayor and his Sidekick Twitchy

Chapter 59 - The Perfect Moment

Chapter 60 - Prenuptial Disputes

Chapter 61 - You’re the Mayor

Chapter 62 - Preparations for the Final Battle

Chapter 63 - Overcoming Insurmountable Loss

Chapter 64 - Epilogue

From the Author

Other books by Ryan Rimmel

Noobtown Series:

Mayor of Noobtown  (Audio)

Village of Noobtown  (Audio)

Castle of the Noobs  (Audio)

Dungeons and Noobs  (Audio)

Noob Game Plus  (Audio)

More Ryan Rimmel

Get alerted on new releases, promos, and more by following Ryan on Facebook or Patreon.  For those audiobook lovers, don’t miss Johnathan McClain’s incredible performance of Nautical Noobs when its released!

Chapter 1 - Sailing over the Ocean Blue

Stars are impressive, especially if you are on the ocean with nothing around for miles.  Ordinal’s skies were like God’s own jewelry box.  With no other light, I could see not only the stars, but also the nebula and other phenomena that you just couldn’t see on Earth.  It was truly taking my breath away, which was fortunate.

“Not again,” wheezed Julia, standing quickly and staggering.  The princess of Falcon proceeded to blow chunks all over the side of the ship.  Before that moment, I’d never seen a woman retain her beauty while projectile vomiting.  Afterward, that trend continued.

“You are the worst princess,” I said, as Julia groaned piteously against the railing.  I had expected her to be some worldly thing that had voyaged by ship at least once. 

Julia, my erstwhile traveling companion, was not well-suited for sea voyages.  Her long, brown hair was being held back by Badgelor.  War Badgers were good at holding hair back.  Who knew?

“She bribed him with Badgie Snacks,” said Shart.

“My companion’s loyalty was purchased with a small hard cookie?” I asked.  I had questions about these snacks, but Shart was not the one to ask.   

“That’s what happens when you bond yourself to unsavory creatures,” the demon replied, without a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Julia groaned piteously as she swayed again.  “I didn’t even eat carrots,” she slurred.

“Here, lass,” stated Badgelor, as he shuffled away from her.  He returned moments later, carrying a relatively clean towel in his mouth.  She accepted it gratefully and wiped her face.  My War Badger was being very polite to the princess.  I wondered if it was just because Julia was a princess, or if his newfound manners had anything to do with our last battle.  Hardragon, a Dragon Protector and sworn enemy to War Badgers everywhere, had nearly slain my badger.  I ended up fighting Hardragon in a fairly fierce battle.  I’d won only through the use of trickery, causing him to fall to his certain death.

He was dead, right?

Considering I’d always had a bit of motion sickness, I was expecting my level of nausea to be extreme, especially since this was my first time on the ocean.  Thankfully, I was wrong.  It was awesome!  I was standing on the prow of the ship, looking over the vast expanse of water and hooting.  I screamed out, “I’m the king of the world!”

●        Brass Lungs skill level has increased.  You are at Initiate Rank.  Your voice carries well under any circumstance.  Anyone within 15 logs of you can make out every detail of what you are saying.  You may expend Stamina to extend this range.

“Shutup,” said Glorious Robert, walking up behind me.  There were very few lamps on his ship, and the faint light they cast was insufficient to make out all the details on the dark crag of his face.  Glorious Robert was short, but nearly as wide as he was tall.  I personally thought of him as a fireplug.  “The rest of the crew is trying to sleep, and you have to go and get loud.”

I was going to have to remember that in the future.

Brass Lungs was my only Great General skill.  Great General was a second-tier class I had earned after a major battle against the undead.  It was a rare skill, although it appeared to behave just like my other skills.  I wondered what I would sound like when I increased it to Journeyman rank.

“What is that?” asked Glorious Robert, gesturing toward the small ball of puss on my shoulder.  The gooey blob was Shart, my shoulder demon.  Before the latest round of events, Shart had always been invisible.  Now, he looked like a very infected volleyball.  He also smelled highly unpleasant, and it was getting progressively worse.  I’d describe the smell as burning garbage mixed with rotting fish.  I had walked to the front of the ship with a vague hope that the sea breeze would whisk the smell away. Judging by the pinched look on Glorious Robert’s face, the wind was not up to the task.  There was a reason I hadn’t been allowed below deck.

“That is my demonic familiar,” I replied carefully.  Shart was an Elder Demon.  Those creatures were supremely powerful, but Shart was currently inside out.  Due to his current predicament, he wasn’t able to do much more than swear at me.

“Have you considered maybe smothering him in tar?” asked Glorious Robert.

“It stings his skin,” I replied.  Then again, everything was stinging his skin at the moment.   

“Feck you,” Shart groaned.  He was not handling being stuck inside out very well.  His attitude had been going steadily downhill ever since he’d gotten wet. 

I, on the other hand, was getting tons of Demon Lore experience from examining Shart’s insides.  A detailed examination using my Healing skill had netted me enough Skill Points to shoot all the way up to Journeyman in Healing.  I was also rapidly approaching Expert in Demonic Lore.  I had taken Resist Demonic Influence as my first perk and was planning on taking the Greater Resist perk when I reached Expert.  However, there was another perk I was considering.  Demonic Barber would allow me to focus on cutting off bits of the demon for various uses. 

Glorious Robert eyed me for a long moment.  Then, he shrugged.  “Anyone else I’d toss overboard, but you can probably handle it.  Any chance you can make it invisible?”

“I wish,” I said, with tremendous feeling.  Shart was stuck to my shoulder like some sort of cancerous tumor.  I was hoping the demon would figure something out soon. 

“And who is that?” Glorious Robert asked, glancing over at Julia. 

“A friend of mine.  I’m her bodyguard,” I responded.  Glorious Robert frowned, giving me a critical look.  My last “friend” had been Jarra, and she had been killed.  “Julia isn’t that kind of friend.”

“Your business,” stated Glorious Robert, turning his head slightly.  My own nose caught an aroma that did not smell like nauseating demon guts.

“Greetings, chums, I made more Badgie Snacks,” stated Twinkle, my elven companion.  Twinkle was not what I’d expected an elf to look like.  Sure, he had pointy ears, but he was shorter than a human and looked underdeveloped.  I had initially mistaken him for a 14-year-old boy, but I now thought that was a mistake.  He looked even younger than that, but he carried himself very maturely.  I considered the long-lived nature of elves and figured he was at least middle-aged.

“What the hell are Badgie Snacks,” I asked, sounding out the word.  It was badge followed by a hard e.  It sounded familiar somehow. 

“They are badger snacks, mostly just flour, Oatmeal, butter and sugar,” replied Glorious Robert examining them.  He sized up the elf and held out a hand.  “My boat, I get the first one.”

“Yes, sir, Captain,” smiled Twinkle, handing over one of his culinary concoctions.  Twinkle was being very friendly to Glorious Robert.  I received the second Badgie Snack.  It was surprisingly delicious.   

“So, what’s your full name?” asked Glorious Robert, as he munched down on the food.  Twinkle stood taller.

“Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

How I Wonder What You Are

Up Above The World So High!”

Twinkle grinned and caught me staring at him.  “What about ‘Like a diamond in the sky’?” I asked.

“That was my sister’s name,” replied Twinkle, impressed.  “Elf buddy, indeed.  You are well-versed in our customs.”

“Shart, what does he mean?  I have no knowledge of elf customs,” I thought.  Just because the demon was visible didn’t mean I wanted to be seen conversing with him. 

“They name themselves after ancient poems.  Most of them go a stanza or two, but they cut out lines here and there.  That keeps them all unique,” screamed the demon.  He literally screamed out loud.  It sounded like an electric drill with a rusty nail on it, being used on a chalkboard.  Both Twinkle and Glorious Robert winced.

“Can’t you speak to me mentally?” I whispered.  We had always communicated mentally before, but the current situation was unique.  I hadn’t expected it to take this long for him to sort out his new inside out status. 

“No, some asshole dragged me back to Ordinal and, and my mental communication organ is being exposed to Ordinal’s Mana so it ain’t working too good!” called Shart, causing everyone to wince again.  Mana was like an energy field that was created by all things.  It surrounded us, penetrated us, and bound us.  All Shart’s magical organs were on the outside, which, as it turned out, was pretty much like putting your smartphone in a puddle.  All the demon’s bits were shorting out.  The longer they were exposed, the bigger the problem was going to be.  It was already super annoying.   

“He’s in a lot of pain at the moment,” I replied, not knowing what else to say.

“Would you like me to do some ancient Monk healing technique on him?” asked Twinkle. 

“You know something that could help him?” I asked hopefully.  I had possessed some stuff in my dimensional storage that might have aided us.  Unfortunately, as I dragged Shart back to Ordinal, all of it had been lost.  Now, my storage was empty, except for one dose of princess vomit.  That didn’t really count. 

Still good to know that dimensional storage is also good for blocking vomit. 

“Of course!  I have several perks for treating injuries,” stated Twinkle.  Glorious Robert stuck out his hand, and Twinkle handed him the remains of the badger snacks.  As the captain ate one, he grinned wickedly at me.  He was always good at strategy.

“This might work.  Monks can correct your Mana network through physical contact.  Anything would be an improvement,” yell-groaned the little demon.  It sounded like he was trying to figure out how to modulate his voice.  He was just too loud, now, not terrifically too loud. 

“Go for it,” I said, nodding at Twinkle.  The Monk circled me, finding a spot directly behind Shart and nodding. 

“Get ready for a fisting,” yelled the elf, and he struck the backside of the demon.  I jerked to the side, narrowly avoiding a second attack.  Twinkle looked at me strangely.

“You have to...fist him...to treat him?” I asked.

“Yes, for my kind of medical care to work properly, your demon will need a good fisting,” answered Twinkle. “I’m not a heel-er, after all.  I didn’t learn the ancient art of kicking someone until they felt better.”

Of course, that made sense to someone on Ordinal.  I was certain of it.  Shart could use a good fisting, as far as I was concerned.  I shrugged, and Twinkle began striking Shart like a speed bag for several long seconds.

“Your friend is all sorts of broken, but I think that helped a little,” stated Twinkle, once he had finished punching Shart. 

“My mental transmitter is back online,” projected Shart.  “That’s something.  At the very least, I don’t have to talk in meatbag anymore.”

“Any chance I could help?” I asked.  “I wouldn’t mind beating the crap out of you for a bit.”

“I doubt that would be very productive,” sent Shart, as Julia finished her latest bout of retching.  The princess stepped over, inhaling to collect herself.  After several fortifying gulps, she said, “Captain, I have a quest for you.”

Glorious Robert’s ears perked up.  Everyone liked quests.  “What kind of quest?”

“I need you to deliver me and my bodyguard to a location.  Once there, you can just drop us off by longboat,” she said confidently.  I raised an eyebrow.  Beyond summoning a demon, I hadn’t actually agreed to much of anything.  Shart was back and on my shoulder.  I’d kind of considered my tasks with Julia to be finished. 

Glorious Robert had that faraway look he always got when checking out a quest.  He abruptly chuckled and accepted.  “I was going past there anyway.”

“Excellent,” stated Julia, looking puzzled for a moment.  Turning to face me, she continued brightly, “Everything is finally looking up!”

“Badgie snack?” asked Twinkle, holding out the last two.

I quickly learned two things.  The first was that Julia could project a cone-like blast if caught off guard.  The second was that bodyguards were also good at blocking vomit.

Chapter 2 - Destination Windfall

“We need to get back,” I said to Glorious Robert, as he strolled around to check the boat.  Twinkle was climbing back up the railing, after his impromptu dive into the ocean.  Julia had good aim. 

“Well, I’m working on it,” stated the captain.  “I can’t just turn the ship and head toward home.  It will be four to five days, at least.”

“What am I supposed to do in the meantime?” I asked. 

Glorious Robert handed me a mop and a bucket.  “Be a good Curious Puppy and leave the course to the captain.”

“Where does she want to go?” I asked.

“Ask her yourself,” stated Glorious Robert.  “The quest requires me to keep quiet about it.”

I frowned down at the cleaning supplies and shrugged.  A quest with an NDA attachment was new.  Wandering back over to the puddle of vomit, I began quickly mopping it.  “Lucky, they fed her carrots.”

“What are carrots?”  thought Shart.

“They are orange root vegetables,” I replied. 

“I see,” responded the demon.  “Sounds made up.  Who would willingly eat something that was orange?  That would be a legendary vegetable.  You’d be better off using it for a potion or something.”

I turned to stare at him.  Shart was innocently bobbing on my shoulder.  Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed and got to work.  The mop bucket had a rope attached, and it took me a moment to realize its purpose.  If I needed to refill the bucket, all I had to do was throw it overboard.  The rope was for hauling it back up.  There were no cleaning supplies to speak of, so I was going to have to swab really well to take care of the vomit.

“This is interesting,” I said, as I continued swabbing the deck.  “The stars are particularly beautiful tonight.”

“Ah, yes, backdrop 102,” stated Shart momentarily.  “It was designed to make you mortals contemplate your mortality.  I’d like to observe it myself, but MY EYES ARE INSIDE OUT.”

“I think they are just more placed on the inside of your head,” I stated.

“That is a distinction without a difference, you nimrod,” replied the demon. 

“Wait, are you saying the stars aren’t real?” I asked, walking to the side of the ship to refill the bucket. 

“They are real dots on a screen,” stated Shart to my puzzled expression.  “Why?  Did you think they were real, tangible bodies you could travel to?”

“On Earth, we know stars are giant objects light years away from our planet,” I said, to which Shart bobbed around in a vague approximation of a nod.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” replied the demon.  “Totally garbage, though.”

“We landed on the moon.  We know those bodies actually exist,” I said.

“Oh, I didn’t mean that.  Of course, Earth has stars.  It would have to, because it doesn’t have any magic.  Without Mana, actually populating an entire dimension full of stars is easier than any of the alternatives,” explained Shart. 

“It's easier to create a universe than it is to put up a backdrop?  Is Mana really that powerful?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” replied the demon.  “If you could drag one rock from Ordinal over to Earth, you could power every device on that strange, stupid planet for centuries.  Frankly, I don’t know how any of you manage to exist there.”

“That’s kind of depressing,” I said, zoning out slightly.

“If you think that’s bad, just wait until Earth hits the hard cap on population.  I think it was set to 16,384,000,000,” said Shart.

“Wait, what?” I asked, my mind coming back into focus.

“I have an idea,” Shart suddenly stated.  “I want you to hit me in the head with your mo-”

“Done,” I replied with enthusiastic consent.  I was already swinging when he said, “Hit me.”  Luckily, the mop happened to be in my hand, rendering me totally compliant with his request.  With a sickening squelch, the cleaning implement struck what I hoped wasn’t a vital organ.  I was minorly concerned when the impact didn’t send him flying off my shoulder, but I did feel him rock slightly.

“That was quick, dick,” stated Shart, his veiny eyeballs suddenly bulging at me.  They looked like what I imagined Satan’s anus looked like on a sunny day.

“Gaaa,” I hissed in horror, trying to step back.  Of course, I couldn’t get away.  Shart was attached to me.

“I can see now!” exclaimed the demon.  “Full range telepathic communication is back, too.  Looks like everything's coming up Shart.”

“Well, that’s a disgusting image.  I thought you were upset that I’d turned you inside out,” I said.

“I was, but then I remembered that you are just a stupid mortal.  If it’s anyone’s fault that I got pulled inside out, it’s my own,” stated Shart maturely.  “If it's outside of someone’s control, then you shouldn’t be upset with them.  I trust your stupidity is certainly outside of your control.”

“Thanks,” I responded.

“I mean, why would anyone choose to be as idiotic as you are, my precious Dum Dum?”

Yep, Shart is feeling better.

“So, you are seriously stuck to my shoulder this time?” I asked.

“No idea how I’m ever getting off,” replied the demon.

“I could cast Regenerate.  I could just slice off some of my own skin,” I suggested.  On Earth, the thought of removing a big chunk of skin would have horrified me.  On Ordinal, it was a day that ended in “Y.” 

“See, that won’t work,” replied Shart.  “I’m grafted onto your Mana network.”

“What?”

“I had no choice.  Mine is sort of pointing in the wrong direction.”

“What?” I repeated, activating Mystical Lore.  Oddly, there was not a lot of info on inside out Elder Demons with incorrectly pointing Mana networks.

“Mana networks are normally like magnets, but everything is the same polarity.  They kind of push subtly against each other,” stated Shart.  I nodded, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  With Shart, there was always a veritable shoe warehouse.  “Mine is inside out, so it is reversed.  It is now attracted to your Mana network.  Removing it is going to be a challenge.”

“Could I banish you back to Limbo and resummon you?” I asked.  I grabbed Shart and pushed him around on my shoulder.  While I couldn’t remove him, I could slide him around easily enough.  Wherever he slid, he left behind a sticky, purple residue.

“Not unless you have a Kingdom Tier containment artifact handy.  Without one, the only way to get rid of me is to Remort again,” stated Shart. 

I considered that.  Getting to max level was going to be a challenge, even spread over multiple classes.  Still, it was part of my plan to defeat the Dark Overlord.  That meant that I just needed to keep doing what I was doing, and the Shart situation would eventually be handled for me. 

That left the tiny problem of Charles.  “Any idea how I’m supposed to actually kill Charles for good?”

“I have no fecking clue,” stated Shart.  “You aren’t even close to being powerful enough to permanently defeat him.  It was a freaking miracle that you managed to fight him into a stalemate last time, and that was mainly because he underestimated you.  Next time he fights you, he’s going to bring out the big guns.”

“You have no ideas at all?” I asked defeatedly.  “I’m willing to consider even vague suggestions.”

“Well, the usual stupid stuff to rapidly gain power.  You could start delving into Shadow Magic,” said Shart consideringly.

“If that’s what it takes,” I replied.

“Woah, I was kidding!  Under no circumstances should you be experimenting with Shadow Magic.  That stuff will overwrite your soul,” stated Shart.

“I have Mental Resistance,” I replied.

“Talk to me when you get Soul Resistance,” countered Shart.  When it became obvious I didn’t understand, he sighed greatly.  “Look, Mental Resistance is set up to stop outside effects from affecting your diseased brain.  If you absorb Shadow Magic, it starts corrupting you from the inside.”

“Is that what happened to Charles?” I asked.

“Feck no.  Look, Shadow Magic is the most powerful individual type of magic.  It is also the most versatile type of magic.  It just so happens to utterly corrupt those who use it,” said Shart. 

“I could handle it,” I said confidently.  “I need more power to avenge Jarra.”

“And that statement alone shows you couldn’t,” stated Shart.  “The very, very few who have successfully wielded such magic possess Shadow Cores.  A highly limited number of paths lead to such Cores, and it is not something mere mortals can handle.  Shadow Magic is power, laced with temptation.  You would want to use it for good, well, semi-good, considering you want to murder someone to avenge your girlfriend.  However, it would find whatever weakness it needed in you and totally corrupt you.”

I looked down.  “This is Ordinal.  I’m certain I could do it, if I had to.  If I had to, I would get over Jarra just to kill that evil bastard.”

“Dum Dum, you don’t get it.  Shadow Magic is evil!  There is no way around the fact that it infects people.  Hell, I was reading the logs of another world where one of its most powerful wizards got corrupted by Shadow because of, get this, pity!  I mean, how lame is that?  A max-level wizard with a demi-god racial type decides he’s going to use the power for good but quickly ends up taking over the world ‘for its own good’.  Total waste of a good wizard.  Even if you had lived here on Ordinal your whole life, it would still be too dangerous.  As it stands, you have only been here a few weeks.” 

“Then what should I do?” I asked plaintively.

“You need to prepare yourself,” stated Shart.  “He has weaknesses.  You just need to discover them.”

“Do you know what they are?” I asked.

“No,” replied the demon.  “My partner brought Charles into this world.  Beyond that, he told me he barely interacted with him.  Charles has always been aware of our demonic presence and has taken great pains to conceal himself from our sight.  Any weaknesses I might suspect are as likely as not to be false.”

“Great,” I responded.

Shart sighed in a long-suffering manner.  “Gee, if only there was someone around who had spent a large amount of time with Charles.  Where on all of Ordinal could we find such a character, though?”

I stared at him.  “Badgelor?” I asked.

“He would be the most likely candidate to have insider Charles knowledge,” stated Shart. 

“Badgelor did live with him for decades,” I agreed, nodding.

“And everyone else from that time is dead or a statue,” added my smelly demon friend.  I resolved to discuss the issue with Badgelor when the time was right.  Charles was never a good topic with the badger, so I was going to have to be careful. 

That just left Maggie, the Shadow Assassin.  She was going to Windfall to kill me, and I needed to find her quickly.  I didn’t know how she was planning on getting into my city, but it was crucial that I be ready for her. 

So, all I had to do was defeat a Godling and stop an Assassin.  It was going to be an interesting week.

Chapter 3 - Knotty Thoughts

I yawned, lazily rocking from side to side.  After cleaning up the royal vomit, I had retired to my semi-private cabin and allowed the gentle sway of the ship to lull me to sleep.  Now, I could see cracks of light from the one…porthole...in the room.  That sounded right. 

As I went to adjust myself, it happened.  I forgot I was in a deathtrap.  Glorious Robert had set me up, and now there was no escape.  One second, I was warm and comfortable.  The next, I was facedown on the floor with two men piled on top of me.  Someone's unattended shoe was wedged somewhere rather uncomfortable. 

“Get your finger out of my nose,” I hissed, pushing myself up.  Both men promptly fell to the side. 

“You never slept in a hammock before?” asked one, rubbing his shoulder.

“Oh, Grebthar, that smell,” moaned the other.

“That hammock is evil,” I hissed, throwing on my shirt.  Shart had modified my clothing, so there was a large opening on the shoulder for him to fit through.  By modify, I mean the disgusting ooze he extruded had dissolved the fabric, leaving him bonded directly to my flesh. 

Semi-private, my ass.  There were five other people in the cabin.  They were all men, at least.  For most tasks, Ordinal usually didn’t differentiate on the basis of gender.  I had come to believe the <system> was determined to keep everything balanced between males and females.  Jobs that were generally thought of as gender-oriented on Earth tended to be less so here.  They were aware of the differences, though.  Thus, men and women got different places to sleep.

As he left the cabin, the First Mate glared at me.  He had unwillingly been thrown in here with me and my dubious shoulder-mounted odorizer.  The two crew members I had displaced were sent further down into the bowels of the ship, to even more cramped quarters.  The First Mate was upset because of the reason he had been uprooted.  His glare turned to the direction of his problem.

Julia stepped from the First Mate’s quarters, taking a moment to clear something out of her right eye.  Her cabin was only the size of a large closet, but it was private.  Smiling at everyone, she kept out of the crew’s way.  Now that all were roused, they quickly busied themselves with the morning routines of the ship.  I glanced at my prompt.

●        You have learned the Sailing skill.  You are unskilled.  You know how to move the various bits of a ship around with a “Heave” and a “Ho.”

It was nearly impossible for me to not pick up skills, especially if I was exposed to them over a period of time.  That said, I didn’t want to become a Sailor.  I contented myself with being a passenger, even if I was certain the crew’s sheet bend knots were not tied properly.  I refused to get involved.  No way, no how. 

As I was fixing several knots, Julia walked over to me.  At least three Sailors were watching me, as I checked all their work and redid the last knot. 

●        You have successfully trained others in Rope Use for Sailors!  You have demonstrated a heightened proficiency in Sailing.  Your skill is increased to Initiate.  Keep up the good work!

Damn it.

“Well, aren’t you a good little cabin boy?” chuckled Shart.

“You seem to know those knots very well,” Julia stated, watching me work.  I had the Rope Use skill, an uncommon skill that provided a near encyclopedic knowledge of knots.  The Sailing skill covered some broad knots, but nothing to the degree of in-depth, technical knowledge I had in tying stuff up. 

“It's a hobby,” I said, checking the ropes again and spotting one with a frayed end.  I stuck out my hand, and one of the crew handed me a roll of twine.  Using a simple clove hitch, I tied a knot just above the fray and used my knife to cut away the frayed bit.  My Rope Use skill further enhanced the repair, causing the twine to meld into the rope.

“You know you can just cast Mend on rope,” smiled Julia. 

“Sometimes it’s important to do things by hand,” I replied, finishing the repair.  “You seem less seasick this morning.

“Oh, that,” said Julia, frowning.  “I invested a Talent Point into my Heal Injury skill.  I’m immune to seasickness for the next six hours.”

“Must be nice,” I said.  That’s when my Perception skill caught the pitter-patter of familiar feet on the deck.  I forced myself to relax. 

“It's nothing really,” replied Julia, yawning.  “An adventurer who spends a lot of time around water would have far better anti-sickness spells than I have.”  As Julia stretched, I noticed the nearby Sailors staring at her tight, lithe frame.  I frowned at them.

●        Intimidation check: successful!  Do you enjoy scaring the simple folks?

The Sailors rapidly found something else to do, vanishing into the crowd that had gathered to keep the ship sailing properly.  Even on Ordinal, and with all Glorious Robert’s tricks, the ship still needed thirty-two Sailors on deck to make adjustments to the three large sails.  

I could tell it was thirty-two, because they all seemed to be tailing after Badgelor.

“Why are you so popular?” I asked.

“I complete them.  After all, no ship is complete without a badger,” stated Badgelor confidently.  The nearby sailors were petting him as they walked by.  Badgelor didn’t even bite their hands off. 

“What gives?” I asked, hopping onto the deck.

“Every ship needs a badger,” replied Glorious Robert.  “They bring good luck.”

“I thought you were supposed to have a parrot,” I replied.

“Why the hell would I want a parrot?” questioned Glorious Robert.  “All they do is squawk and shit on your shoulder.  It’s far better to have a badger.  They can help out in a fight or climb up to help with the sails.”

Badgelor grinned, plopping down on the deck.  The sailors began to rub his fluffy tummy.  No one was immune to the charms of Badgelor’s solar panel. 

“Jim,” came the shrill cry from the owner of the pitter-patters.  It was the only warning I got before being thoroughly glomped from behind.  Hansa’s idea of a hug involved launching herself at me.  Hugging was a full-contact sport with her.  Fortunately, she was behind me this time.  The front version looked objectively bad. 

Hansa was a delightful redhead who could best be described as weaponized cuteness.  She was also a skilled Engineer and a bit of a kleptomaniac.  She wasn’t malicious, so much as she was forgetful.

“Hey, Jim,” she grinned, looking around conspiratorially, “I learned some sea swears.”

“Like what?” I asked.

She inhaled, biting her lower lip.  “You guppy!”

“Isn’t that precious,” said Twinkle, a wry grin on his face.  Hansa stuck her tongue out at him causing the elf to look mock offended.   

I looked suitably shocked.  “Wow, you are talking like a proper Sailor now.”

“I want to learn some more, but none of the Sailors will teach me,” pouted Hansa, as a second woman came running after her. 

“Rose?” I asked.  She was another Dalton daughter in town.  I hadn’t really interacted with her much.  She was a tall brunette who, whenever I caught sight of her walking around our quiet village, always seemed to be reading or singing. 

Actually, describing any of Dalton’s daughters as singers didn’t convey the whole truth.  Every single one of them was a highly accomplished vocalist, and all of them sounded as if they had been born to make musicals out of their lives.  “Why are you here?”

“Well,” she replied very properly, with a touch of what I’d describe as a French accent, “My zister, Hansa, she zays she wants to come on ze ship, but ze captain zays ‘No.’  He zays she cannot come without an escort.  She asks Margwal, and Margwal zays, ‘No, I have more work to do in ze town.’  Zo, she asks me, and I can spare a few days to be on ze ship’s maiden voyage.”

Hansa stuck her tongue out at her sister.  “Liar.  You came right up to me and said you had a few days to spare, just as soon as Margwal said no.  Since Julia came onboard, you’ve done nothing but ask me questions about her.”  Once finished, Hansa pounced on Julia, giving the Falconian her own suffocating greeting. 

“So, are you Jim’s new girlfriend?” asked Hansa. 

Julia was attempting to figure out if she was angrier at Hansa for the glomp or the question.  Mid-hug, she gave up, surrendering to the excitable young woman’s exuberance. 

“Hardly,” said Julia, frowning at me. 

“I zaid I wanted to see ze ocean,” Rose blushed, adding in a conspiratorial whisper, “I may have had ulterior motives.”  I chuckled.  Rose was checking out one of the Sailor’s backsides.  That poor ginger was doomed. 

Suddenly, Glorious Robert stepped in.  “Jim, my men have told me you were investigating their ropework; now, I see Rose blushing.  Are we going to have a problem?”

“I only tied up that one guy,” I said defensively. 

“We’ve all heard the stories, Jim,” stated Glorious Robert.  Rose blushed much more seriously.  I did have a bit of a reputation.

Hansa was showing Julia something, and the two wandered over to the stern of the ship.  The rest of us stood awkwardly midship, hugging the midship railing so the rest of the crew could work in relative peace.  They were an efficient bunch, but I could tell they would be happier if we stayed out of their way. 

“Why are you sporting ‘Curious Puppy’ as your title anyway?” asked Glorious Robert.

“Putting a hat on a hat,” I explained.  “If you walk right up and announce you are the Curious Puppy, people tend to not make stupid jokes.”

“Az if he could use his other title,” chuckled Rose.  “He iz coming from Falcon.” 

Glorious Robert looked puzzled for an instant, then chuckled mightily.  “Oh, I could see that being a problem in wine country.  Hokey religion and ancient prophecies are no match for that degree of lunacy.”

I eyed him.  “You know at least parts of it are true.”

“It is a thousand-year-old belief system.  I’m sure parts are right, but I’m not going to believe in all of it, lock, stock, and barrel.  I would need considerably more evidence than I have,” replied the ever so logical Basstowner. 

I glanced over at Rose.  She was paying a lot of attention to us, significantly limiting what I could explain out in the open.  It was painfully obvious that no one in Windfall had been informed that a major battle against the Dark Overlord had occurred.  That sort of thing would cause a panic, given that the Dark Overlord heralded the end of days. 

Glorious Robert had actually been there during the fight.  Then again, I had fought what basically amounted to Ordinal’s version of Satan himself, and I had driven him off.  Some people had difficulties accepting facts that directly contradicted their own belief system. 

“That adventurer we fought was crazy,” stated Glorious Robert defensively.  “I'm not sure who he was, but he was powerful and insane.  I’m glad you killed him, and I am equally saddened that he killed Jarra the Healer.  However, I’m not convinced that he was anything more than a crazy, high-level adventurer, skilled in Disguise.”

“If you didn’t find a body, he escaped,” I said. 

“The whole room was coming apart.  It probably fell into the abyss,” growled Glorious Robert.  “Besides, the Dark Overlord is a myth.  That guy in the dungeon was just some loon with the Disguise skill.”  Glorious Robert said that last bit like he was trying to convince himself. 

Even that hissed mention of the Dark Overlord got all three young women to gasp and make a quick sign of warding on their chests.  My Mystical Lore said that ward would do exactly jack shit against the Dark Overlord, but it seemed to calm everyone.  Julia, who hadn’t quite heard the main points of my conversation with Glorious Robert, looked at me.  Fortunately, Rose and Hansa double-teamed her again. 

After a moment of making absolutely sure everyone was invested in things that were not me, I turned back to Glorious Robert.  “I disagree.”

“Well, aren’t you the mighty mayor,” stated Glorious Robert walking over next to me.  “Look, Jim, even if I wanted to believe you, and I don’t, no one is going to buy into the idea that the Mayor of Windfall has returned.”

“You might be surprised,” I replied coolly.

“Well, then, get out your crown and announce it to the world,” stated Glorious Robert. “Except that the crown is just as made up as the Mayor is.”

I slumped against the railing.  “It's never easy.”

“It's not supposed to be,” smiled the captain.

“What if you’re wrong?” I asked.

“I’m not, Jim,” stated Glorious Robert seriously.  “I know you, and I know the myths.  I know all about the legendary Mayor of Windfall.  You ain’t him.”

Dismissing our conversation, the Fisherman turned to walk over to the women.  I strolled over to the prow of the ship and looked out over the ocean.  My furry, non-inside out companion scurried over to me.

“Badgelor, do you know where this crown is?” I asked.

“The crown?  A dragon ate it,” stated Badgelor.  “We were going to go get it back, but Charles went nuts before we got the chance.”

“Was the crown keeping him sane?” I asked.

“I doubt it.  He’d been talking about moving on for some time.  It just coincidentally happened then.  When he lost the crown, he figured he wasn’t in charge anymore.  He never wanted to be the mayor.”

Imagine that.

After a moment, I asked, “Shart, will people believe I’m the actual Mayor without that crown?”

“It is going to be a hard sell,” ventured the demon.

Feck me.

●   Quest: Kill Charles, Sharable Quest.  You must slay Charles!  He is a blight upon this world.  Charles is a world boss.  This is a multi-stage quest. 

●   Quest update: Only the Mayor of Windfall can defeat the Dark Overlord.  Find the Crown of Windfall for people to acknowledge you as the rightful Mayor!

I concentrated, looking around and feeling the world.  Quests gave you a subtle direction in which to go, if you could focus on it.  The problem was that if you were too close, or if the <system> didn’t want to tell you where something was, that feature could be kind of useless. 

I got nothing useful.  More accurately, I received such a broad response that it was pointless.  Badgelor sat up on my shoulder and started sniffing the air.  Suddenly, I got a hint of something that wasn’t related to Shart. 

My Explorer’s Nose talent was firing off.  I brought up my Great Explorer class and searched through the talent tree.  I had earned quite a few Talent Points but had been saving them for a rainy day.  It was pouring. 

●   Locate Item:  When questing, your mini map will show higher detail on objects you are searching for. 

I selected the first rank and didn’t feel much of a change.  However, “not much” didn’t mean “no change at all.”  There were now hundreds of points that I thought MIGHT have some clue that would lead me toward the crown.  Unfortunately, those points were all over the map.  It would take me decades to search through all of them. 

Thankfully, I could cheat.  Locate Item had several talents behind it that were all level capped, and I could ignore level caps.  I spent the points, and the hundreds of sources turned into dozens of sources.  Unfortunately, even with all three talents purchased, I wasn’t able to line up what I needed to any degree.  The vague spots were less vague, but I was still no closer to finding the crown.

“So, are you giving up on that already?” pondered Shart, as we started walking to the back of the ship.  

“If I need the Crown of Windfall to convince everyone I’m actually the Mayor, that’s what I’m going to do,” I said.  I had a plan.  Things were improving.  Of course, something had to go wrong. 

Hansa suddenly ran past us.  Julia, a highly confused look on her face, was in hot pursuit.  Glorious Robert shouted to Hansa’s retreating form, “Young lady, where do you think you are going without your escort?”

Hansa didn’t stop, instead barreling below deck.  Julia rounded on Glorious Robert, intent on giving him a tongue lashing.  She quickly saw that the captain was not paying one bit of attention to her, a cardinal sin she would remember later.  Rose shot off after Hansa like a dart, calling out for her.  She, too, vanished into the ship’s nether regions.

“What’s that about?” I asked Julia.

“She said she saw another ship and wanted to get her long-range thingadoo,” said Julia.  She was now back to looking confused, as Glorious Robert headed toward the ship’s stern.  I shrugged and started walking to the back of the ship.  Twinkle dropped down from the crow’s nest and landed next to us. 

The elf had been very high up, but he was a Monk.  Falling from great heights didn’t bother him much. 

“Buddy, how are you?” asked Twinkle enthusiastically, before giving a nod to Julia.  She frowned slightly but otherwise ignored the perceived rudeness.  I had figured out that Twinkle was petty.  He would do things to slight her, just to get a rise out of the princess.  Technically, as royalty, she had significant precedence over me.  She should have been greeted first.  However, she was hiding her royal rank, so it was possible that Twinkle was not required to honor her title.  It was equally possible that Twinkle just didn’t give a shit.

“I’m fine.  We are going to check something out on the poop deck,” I responded. 

Twinkle chuckled.  “You humans and your fascination with your undercarriages.”

I groaned.  “We could use your help spotting another ship that might be behind us.”

“Of course, buddy!  We can look for that scary ship, just as soon as you answer a question for me,” stated Twinkle.  “What was that strange greeting the red-haired girl gave you?”

“It was a glomp, sort of a full-body hug.  She was happy to see me,” I answered.

“Oh,” stated Twinkle, nodding.  He promptly jumped and glomped on me in the same manner as Hansa had done.  “Jim, I’m happy to see you!”  It was a front hug.

“Is this the way your people do greetings?” asked Julia.  “If so, I will not be greeting anyone.”

“It does look kind of dirty,” I replied.  “Twinkle, you know that’s not how I usually greet people.”

“You let her do it,” he said, jealousy lacing his voice.

“She looks like she is around sixteen years old,” I tartly replied.

“And how old do I look?” countered the elf, batting his eyelashes at me.  I peeled him off and attempted to toss him over the side of the ship.  Well, I actually did toss him over the side of the ship, but he caught the railing before he went too far.  Flipping back onto the deck, he pointed behind us.  “Hey, it’s that ship that we were going to look for!”

“Hopefully, it's just another trader,” stated Glorious Robert, coming to stand next to me.

I looked to where Twinkle was pointing.  There was indeed a small dot on the horizon.  It could have easily been a ship, a bird, or a revenge-seeking windsurfer.  Damn those revenge seeking windsurfers; they would be the death of us all.  Without magnification, I’d have to take Twinkle’s word for it.  Hansa rushed to the railing and pulled out her long-range thingadoo.

“That’s a telescope,” I said.

Pronouncing all three syllables carefully, Glorious Roberts expelled, “Tel-e-scope?  What a stupid name.”

“He’s from the sticks,” sighed Julia, and Glorious Robert nodded.  I rolled my eyes.  That was getting old.

“I can see the flag with my long-range thingadoo,” Hansa said, sticking her tongue out at me.  “It's a squid with a ship in it.”

“Well, we attracted royalty,” stated Glorious Robert glumly, causing Julia to glance over at me.  I thought I saw a brief look of concern flash across her brow.  “That is the Queen of the Inner Sea’s crew.  They’re a nasty bunch of pirates, and they are on an interception course.”

“Can we outrun them?” I asked.

Glorious Robert watched them for a full count of ten, before shaking his head.  “No, they are faster than us.”

“Isn’t a pirate ship versus an unarmed merchant vessel a bad matchup,” I said, causing everyone to look at me oddly.

“I thought this was a fishing boat?” asked Julia worriedly. 

“Is there a difference?” I replied.  Shart harrumphed in my head.

“What do you think we fish for?” asked Glorious Robert.  He turned to bellow, “Roll out the ballista!  We got company, sea dogs!”

Chapter 4 - Time to go Fishing

Glorious Robert's ship, the Baldwin, was a ‘fishing boat,’ which I had interpreted to mean he fished for fish.  I had thought this because, as Shart reminded me, I was an idiot.  Glorious Robert’s crew did collect meat from the water.  It just so happened that the meat was actually from monsters.

The takeaway was that the ‘fishing boat’ was a ship built to fight monsters.

I asked Glorious Robert, “Why is this called a fishing boat instead of a fishing ship?  You know, because it's a ship?”

“That sounds pretentious,” replied the captain.  “Besides, it's a designation of a ship.  Some ships are cargo ships, some are troop transports, and some ships are fishing boats.”

I’d complain, but Earth did the same thing.  Tanks were originally called tanks because the allies were trying to convince the axis forces that they were designed to haul a tank of water, and the name just stuck.  I also figured that the distinction I’d seen on modern Earth was just less significant here on Ordinal.  I’d hate to walk over to someone in the US Navy and call their destroyer a boat. 

While the Baldwin looked pretty much like any triple-masted clipper when it was traveling, it rapidly changed for battle.  Four massive ballistas were unfurled from the sides of the ship, with gimbles allowing them to fire at a very broad range of targets. 

“They have turrets?” I asked Hansa, as the crew moved to their battle stations.

“Of course,” replied Hansa, her usual cute demeanor gone.  She watched with a critical eye as the contraptions unfurled.  I instantly recognized the handiwork. 

“Yours?” I asked.

“Yup, Margwal had something initially, but they were junk.  I redid most of the central drive shaft and modified the gear ratios.  You can put a bolt through six inches of hardwood at short-range,” she grinned, turning back to the crew.  The brief smile fell from her face, as she screamed, “Get those locked into place, or they will tear off the hull when they’re fired, you dinglehoppers!”  As the adorable redhead flipped her hair, she gave a thumbs up to Twinkle, who rolled his eyes.

“She’s sweet,” stated Julia, as Hansa continued screaming her version of obscenities at the crew.

“Weaponized cuteness,” I replied, looking back at the little dot on the horizon.  It was growing larger at a painfully slow rate.

I glanced over to Julia.  She was wearing what appeared to be some approximation of a battle outfit.  She was also holding the magical staff I’d given her at the Battle of the Ruined Temple.  She returned my gaze for a moment, twirling the staff overhead.  “I’m ready to use this monstrous skull staff to defend the ship. What are you planning to do?”

“I guess I could try to blast their boat.  Do you think they would be worried about a weak, magical machine gun?” I asked.

“I doubt it,” she replied flatly. 

“Shart, what should I be doing in a naval battle?” I asked. 

“You aren’t the captain.  Just stay quiet and hope nothing bad happens,” he replied.  “You will probably be fine.”

Badgelor walked over, still gnawing the bones of whatever had been his breakfast.  “I’m pretty sure I could sink that boat in one shot.”

“Okay, Badgelor,” smiled Julia, petting him on the head. 

“You speak Badger?” I asked.

She glanced around, ensuring everyone else on the poop deck was distracted.  “It was taught in my finishing school.  It was an elective.”

“You are the first person I’ve encountered that actually understands him, even with his accent,” I responded.

“He is a bit difficult to understand, but I figured it out during the fight,” she said, frowning slightly.  Before Hardragon’s betrayal, she had been very close with the Dragonsworn.  “His accent is good.  He sounds like the real Badgelor is described as sounding in all the major books.”

“I am the real Badgelor,” stated Badgelor.

“I’m sure you are,” she said patronizingly, scratching him behind his ear.  I heard a kachunk sound behind me.  One massive ballista suddenly rotated freely in the mount as two nearby Sailors began spinning wheels. 

“Why are we getting ready for battle this early?” I asked.  “The enemy ship is still hours away from us.”

Julia looked up slightly and pointed.  “Probably to deal with that.”

Julia had good eyes.  The sky was cloudy with a variety of darker clouds that were an ill omen for whatever was about to happen to us.  Inside that mess, dozens of smaller dots moved toward us at great speed.  I looked at them and snatched a crossbow from a nearby weapons rack.  Then, I utilized my Marksman talent for zooming in shots. 

“Those are hawks,” I said, watching the Hitchcockian swarm heading our way.  However, as I examined them further, I realized something far more terrible.  “They are carrying riders.”

“Have you never been in a naval battle before?” asked Julia.

“No,” I admitted.

“You are in for a treat.  There is a second enemy ship somewhere nearby that is an active rookery,” she said, gesturing in line with where the hawks had come from.  “This is probably their full fleet.  They don’t need to hold anything back for a defense.”

“Shart, what the fuck is a rookery?” I asked.  I mean, I knew what a rookery on Earth was, but that obviously wasn’t what Shart was describing. 

“Wait, I saw something like this in my Earth primer,” stated Shart.  “It's a ship that carries airborne attackers.  You had something like that on Earth, didn’t you?”

“A carrier?” I asked.

“Yes, it carries war birds,” replied the demon.

“A carrier?” I repeated.

“Yes, their boat carries attack birds.  I thought Earth had a similar kind of boat,” groaned Shart, rolling his anus eyes.  It was actually nauseating enough that I preferred to stare up at the birds.

“Shart, hold on a minute.  You know about rookeries but not carrots,” I stated.

“Was there a question there, Dum Dum?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Why do I know about rookeries but not carrots, or why am I asking if you are asking a question?” Shart responded.

I sighed forlornly.  For someone whose organs were currently exposed, Shart sure seemed to be in a playful mood.

“Why do you kind of know about earth rookeries but not earth vegetables?” I asked.

“See, was that so hard?  Learning to be precise will serve you well.  You see, Dum Dum, war stuff is important, and vegetables are not.  I don’t eat and barely care about Ordinal food.  Why in the seven layers of Ordinal would I care about Earth food?”

“They’ll be in range in five minutes,” I stated, looking back up at the sky.

“If you say so.  Don’t worry.  They will be battling with a princess of Falcon.  Plus, there are two other adventurers on board.  We’ll be fine.  My story isn’t getting canceled this episode.”

Once riled up, Julia looked fearsome.  Her battle dress was made of old sail cloth, and her hair was tied back with a length of twine.  As she swung her staff, she practically radiated danger. 

I thought to Shart, “If she’s so tough, why was she having so much trouble with Hardragon?”  Julia had underperformed for most of the battle I’d seen her fight in.  Versus Su-kar, it somewhat made sense.  Su-Kar was a dirty fighter, and Julia wasn’t prepared to climb that hill.  Still, the princess had slowly been winning the fight.  When Julia had helped Badgelor, she should have been able to bring the smackdown on Hardragon.  Instead, she had nearly died.

“Zealots fight based on their emotional state,” explained Shart.  “If she is fiercely devoted to something, her power is much greater.  That’s why Su-Kar was doing everything in her power to keep clear of Julia.  With Hardragon, Julia’s emotions are very conflicted, so she was fighting well below her potential.”

“She looks pissed now,” I said, glancing at the furious Julia.

“That is correct.  She is even channeling the anger she had from the last battle back into her rage, reinforcing it,” said Shart.

“I thought you were supposed to fight in a calm mental state,” I stated.

Shart guffawed.  “Badgelor, listen to this!  Jim thinks he should fight calmly!”

The badger turned his head to look at me.  “Like, dude, stop the fight!  I’ve got to find my center and power my chakra!”  He, too, burst out laughing.

“Sure, normal fighters should do that, but, as I keep reminding you, you aren’t normal.  Every time you’ve been effective in combat, you’ve been in your dark place,” explained Shart.  “It’s that special place where all your negative thoughts and emotions ball up.  You unleash that and murder things.”

He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t correct for the reason he thought.  I just didn’t like killing human beings.  It still felt wrong.  When I wasn’t enraged, I found the notion of killing people challenging.  Some people needed to be killed, though.  To get to that point, I had to go into a dark enough place in my soul to allow me to kill.  I had tried to be cavalier about it, back when I was still pretending to be O’Really.  Even then, it had felt all wrong.  I was honestly concerned about a future time when I would be able to commit cold-blooded murder.

Those were thoughts for later.  I needed to check my stat sheet after the last battle.

First, I checked my level up.

●   Level up: Cleric 11

●   You have gained a new perk!

I had a new perk, so I reviewed my options.  I needed something that would assist me in surviving the perils of Ordinal.  Luckily, I found what I was looking for almost immediately. 

●   Healing Hands:  Your skill level in all Medical skill checks is increased by one.  All wounds treated by you heal 2 times faster than normal.  Depending on your rank in Medical skills, you may expend Stamina to treat injuries.

That was something I needed.  Ever since I’d found the anti-magic zone in the underground ruins, I had become concerned about having all my eggs in one basket.  All my fast healing was magically based.  Thus, when I’d been cut off from magic, life had become unpleasant.  It only took being able to see one of your bones for you to start contemplating your own mortality. 

With Healing Hands, I could set bones, treat injuries and generally take care of myself or others without any medical supplies.  I’d always regretted not taking the perk that would have allowed me to perform any Crafting task without tools.  Instead, I had chosen a different perk that assumed I would always have access to tools.  Like a Dum Dum.

I already knew Healing and First Aid.  Now that I had chosen my newest perk, more knowledge flooded my brain. 

●   You have gained the Surgery skill.  You are an Initiate.  You can treat and repair injuries with a far greater degree of skill

●   Your Healing skill has upgraded to Treatment.  You are Journeyman rank.

I brought up the Treatment skill.  At first glance, it seemed like a straight upgrade of Healing, which was used for long term care of Damage and Injuries.  Examining it further, I realized that Healing was only a small portion of the skill.  Treatment covered everything from building the hospital that you were treating patients in, to proper hygiene processes designed to speed up healing.  Also, because it was Ordinal, there were rules for how to properly interface magic into any long-term Healing plan. 

Hopefully, I could use this to help Fenris.

●   Level up: Warrior 16

Shit. I had meant to lock down my Warrior class, but I had become distracted by all the activities that had taken place over the past few days.  It had edged itself up to level 16.  Then, I considered it.  The benefits for going up to level 16 included a stat bump, so it hadn’t entirely been a waste of time.  While I could earn Talent Points through leveling my Weapon skills, getting a ‘free’ point wasn’t bad either.  Since I couldn’t change anything, I just decided to roll with it.

I did go into my mindspace and lock the class down, preventing it from leveling up anymore until I Remorted again.  That feature still felt weird to use.  As I flipped the dial, it was like I could feel part of my soul being sealed off. 

Now it was time to check my stats and move on to the next part of this operation. 

●        Jim, Cleric 11

●        Explorer 15 (locked)

●        Duelist 16 (locked)

●        Great General 2

●        HP: 600/600

●        Stamina: 480/480

●        Mana: 230/230

I assigned Warrior the bump to Dexterity and stretched.  I was good to go.  This was going to be some sort of epic battle right out of a fantasy novel. 

Chapter 5 - Time for Rapid Action

“Let's change the tack two points windward,” shouted Glorious Robert, as the ship once again slowly repositioned itself.  Whenever the hawks’ riders made an attempt to close with us, Glorious Robert changed the Baldwin’s angle, spoiling their attacks.  We had been doing this for the better part of twenty minutes now, and the crew was starting to look bored.  Maybe that was just me; I was bored out of my mind. 

“Exactly why haven’t they swooped in on us yet?” I finally ventured.

“I’m trying to get them to come in at the angle I want them to.  They are disinclined to assist me,” replied Glorious Robert.  I watched the hawks as they fluttered away and moved back to flank the ship, well outside of bowshot. 

So far, the epic battle of hawk riders vs the Baldwin had been limited to one overflight of birds.  They had dropped lawn darts and small fire bombs at us at extreme range, while the ballista and a half dozen Sailors with crossbows returned fire. 

We had taken two lawn dart hits, which, for some reason, they called Sky Javelins.  One of our ballista bolts had scared a bird so badly it had emptied its bowels on the deck.  That poop attack had caused our only injury, when someone slipped in the mess and fell.

“I’m unimpressed,” I said finally, yawning. 

“I’m running out of tricks to avoid engagement,” stated Glorious Robert.  “I didn’t honestly expect the pirate resistance to be this fierce.  Normally, they would just buzz a fishing boat a few times and pull away.  I’m guessing you did something to piss them off.”

“I just got here,” I said defensively.

“So did they,” replied Glorious Robert.  “C’mon, what Jim tricks do you have in your hold?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said uncomfortably.

“I need you to Jim this up.  You always pull something stupid out of your hat when you need to,” replied Glorious Robert.  “Are you secretly a Master Sailor?  Do you have a new spell?  Can you increase my ship’s speed?”

“Not unless the Baldwin can join my army,” I replied.

“That would be nice, but you have to have a War Leader rank of 5 to do that.  You also need enough points to buy an Auxiliary slot,” stated Glorious Robert.  “Have you been in any big battles lately that you maybe forgot to mention?”

I had, so I went into my War Leader menu and bought the new ability with my War Points.   

●   You have expanded the Army of Windfall!  You have added a Naval Auxiliary slot.  This vessel will be able to bring you supplies and aid your army as needed.

●   You have selected Additional Officer +1.  You can now have up to 5 officers assigned to your army. 

I sent the invitation to Glorious Robert.  The Auxiliary slot didn’t actually increase his ship’s combat power, but it did increase its defensive values and speed by 25%.  He accepted the invitation.

“You realize that, had you offered this earlier, we would have been able to avoid this entire engagement,” Glorious Robert said uncomfortably. 

“We wouldn’t earn any War Points, though” I responded.

Glorious Robert watched me for a long moment.  “Okay, fair point, and you did bring two other adventures with you.  I don’t see those hawks having enough firepower to do much against that.”

“See, it all worked out,” I replied.  Glorious Robert stared at his menus and guffawed.

“Oh, I can see why you didn’t want to share that,” stated the Fisherman, looking up the deck toward Julia.  “Not only do you have the Dashing Dandies but also the Army of Windfall?  She’s going to kill you.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Okay, Mister Mayor, play dumb,” stated Glorious Robert.  “Look, I get that you aren’t really the Mayor of Windfall.  The one that fell from the sky out of legend is total bullshit, but here is a suggestion.  Stop pretending, at least while you have Falconians about.  Most of us provincials don’t really care, except for Fenris, but she will.  What’s that Falcon expression?  She’s going to ‘blot up the spilled wine’.” 

Stupid wine sayings.

“Wine is the blood of Falcon,” said Shart, pausing.  I still didn’t fully comprehend the saying.  The demon sighed dramatically.  “It means she's going to kill you, Dum Dum.”

“I got that,” I grumbled, shaking my head.  “They really reach for these things.  He could have just said she was going to kill me.”

“He did.  You asked for clarification,” Shart responded.

“How did that clarify anything?” I countered.

“Glorious Robert thinks you are mocking her religion.  To the moronic masses, you are using their truth to build your town fantasy.”

“He could have just said that,” I responded.

The demon chuckled.  “Don’t be crass.  No one likes to drink vinegar.” 

Learning all the local expressions was going to be a literal hell. 

I figured that calling my troops the Army of Windfall would eventually bite me in the ass, and the time was coming to prepare my rump for the teeth.  Glorious Robert was right.  Julia was going to be apoplectic when she found out. 

“Shart, just how upset is Julia going to be when she finds out what I’ve done?” I asked, trying to confirm how much I’d stepped in it.

“Reactivate the Army of Windfall?  It's so illegal in Falcon that they have special laws and punishments for it.  You’d have to be an idiot or a fangirl to claim to be part of the Army of Windfall in Falcon,” replied Shart.

“Don’t worry about it.  Once the story gets around about me being there, everyone will realize the Army of Windfall is back,” said Badgelor.  Even after Shart left limbo, the mental circuit that he’d configured was still working.  Both my companions being able to communicate telepathically was scary.  The fact that Badgelor was comforting me was outright terrifying.  I was going to walk face-first into whatever this was, and I was sure it was going to be my fault.

With the Baldwin now part of the Army of Windfall, our speed increased immediately.  I initially hoped that would cause the hawks to break off.  However, they still seemed to be trying to close into attack range.  With our enhanced speed, they couldn’t angle in for a clever plan of attack, so they simplified their problem.  They started coming in from astern. 

Several Sailors brought up their crossbows and fired a few bolts at the airborne attackers.  Their aim was off, and most of the bolts went wide.  The few that scored hits seemed to do little to slow the hawks. 

I lifted my hand and began yelling “Bub,” activating my Holy Blast spell.  It was a low-powered blast of radiant light energy that had to be aimed carefully to do any hardcore damage.  I aimed for a hawk’s head, specifically the eyes.  Each blast was like a laser beam to the cockpit of an aircraft.  The first hawk I targeted immediately veered off course.  It stayed that way, as I continued blasting it.  Finally, it fell from the sky and splashed into the water.

The mighty ka-chunk of the ballista drove a spear through the hawk and its rider. 

I repeated that process three more times, as the hawks tried circling close up.  All three birds I targeted fell from the sky and splashed into the water.  While I was angling for a fifth, the entire flight broke off and started moving away.

I gave Glorious Robert a thumbs up and watched as the formation started gathering height.  Within moments, they looked like they were ready to swoop down on us.  “That isn’t good.”

“No,” replied Shart.  “I think they are gathering up for a diving attack on the ship.”

That would give the hawks greater speed and allow them to close with us much more quickly than before.  I could see the danger in that; the higher speed attack runs would give them more opportunities to crash into the ship.  However, doing so would limit their time in the range of our weapons.

“Get ready,” bellowed Glorious Robert.

I walked over to Julia on the poop deck. Until now, she had been very reserved in her use of magic.  She looked like a racer, limbering up prior to a run.  I spotted four heavy crossbows attached to the railing, all loaded and ready.  “Hansa, what is this strange gearbox attached to the crossbows?”

As she rushed by, Hansa looked over at them.  She was trying to get the ballista prepared.  After that, her job was damage control.  That meant getting below deck and staying there, as far as I could tell.

“It is a stanamibobulaizer,” she smiled. 

“A what?” I replied.

“You know when you try to use a talent on a crossbow?  It’s super effective, but it drains your Stamina and locks you out of your Stamina pool briefly,” she said.  I nodded.  That had almost gotten me killed a time or two.  “Well, that stanamibobulaizer prevents that effect and lets you treat a crossbow like a conventional bow and arrow.”

“But you still have to crank it?” I asked.

Hansa nodded at me.  “Unless you have a talent for that.”

I brought up my talent menu for my oft neglected Marksman tree and quickly found a Rapid Reload talent.  Not all crossbows relied on heavy mechanical assistance. Some lower-powered devices could be strung by hand, which appeared to be what this talent was for. 

I spent the Talent Point and placed a bolt into the groove, where it was promptly chambered.  With a crossbow like this, what I would have done in the past was cinching the string into position without the bolt there at all.  However, I had the Rapid Reload talent now.  By expending Stamina, I could just push back on the string with the bolt, clicking it into place.

“Oh, that is handy,” I said, looking back to where Hansa had been, but she’d Batmaned away the instant I looked down. 

Julia was pulling her hair up into a very distinctive style.  As I watched her gird herself for battle, she wound her long hair into two pigtails.  Then, she wrapped each tail into a separate bun on either side of her head.

“So, who is your idol?” I asked leadingly.

“Princess Leia, of course,” stated Julia, not looking away from the enemy.  “She was the original princess from Falcon and will always be the standard that us daughters of Falcon are held to.  We need to be as smart as Leia, as crafty as Leia, and as fierce as Leia.”   It was times like this that I had to remember Ordinal had oral accounts of Charles’ old stories about Star Wars.  Like any thousand-year-old story, it had changed over time. 

“Carrie would be proud,” I said.

“Who the feck is Carrie?” asked Julia, as she continued to smooth over her buns.

“Nevermind,” I said, considering something.  After a moment, I added, “Didn’t Leia, a princess, marry an adventurer?”

Julia looked at me for a moment.  She had already mentioned that she had little to no desire to marry a destitute adventurer.  She laughed, and her voice changed cadence.  “Married?  Gag me with a spoon!  Han so was her side piece.  My girl left her options open.”

“That’s an odd expression,” I muttered.

“Odd?” chuckled Julia.  “Like, I totally grace you with the royal dialect, and you are all, doy?”

“Western Falcon is in a valley, eh?” I muttered.

“Fer sure,” grinned Julia.  The demure princess stuck her tongue out at me before slipping back into a more normal speech pattern.  “Such language is usually reserved for more significant moments.”

“I bet you were fun at parties,” I stated, as she finally appeared satisfied with her hair.

“I can bullseye a whomp rat while drunk, if that’s what you mean,” she grinned.  I gathered that the Falconian ideal of feminine beauty was not only pretty and smart but also very accurate with ranged attacks.  Additionally, you had to be able to handle your wine.  You could have a fashion faux pas, and no one would care, but God help you if you missed a target or spilled your drink. 

“I guess I’ll just stand here and protect you, then,” I said, as I stared at that martial specimen of girl power. 

She smirked.  “Well, you are my bodyguard.  Don’t worry.   I’ll try to leave you some to pick off.  No promises, though.”

“All the same,” I said, picking up a belaying pin and clipping it to my belt, “I wouldn’t want you to get greedy.”

Glorious Robert stood amid the ship, yelling out orders to his men.  He looked every inch the worthy sea captain from any great fishermen novel.  Twinkle had climbed up into the rigging and was impatiently waiting on something to get close enough for a fisting.  Badgelor was at the front of the ship.  He had been promised ownership of the birds that landed on the deck.  The furry guy was licking his lips and flexing his claws.

“I’m gonna eat one of those hawks!” he yelled. 

Somewhere, I heard the Flash Gordon theme, as the hawks gathered into four wings.  Glorious Robert yelled, “DIVE!”

“What?” I yelled back.

“Look at the birds!  They’re diving,” he yelled back.

He was right.  They were heading right toward us, and I had this shiny new crossbow. 

●   Critical Hit, Hawk takes 208 points of damage from a crossbow and is stunned for 4 seconds.  Passenger failed Ariel Combat skill check and is dismounted.

The first wave of fourteen hawks dove straight at the ship.  They formed into a V-shaped formation, with the largest, angriest hawk right in the middle.  All four ballista were able to adjust their firing arcs to that height, but only three could be brought to bear.  All released, dropping another bird on the way in.  Dozens of crossbow bolts flew out, and, at this closer range, another two birds fell into the ocean. 

●   Multi Shot, 2 riders and 2 hawks take 121 points of damage from a crossbow.  Two riders are slain.

“Nooooooo,” Badgelor wailed.  “Not the ocean!  The decks, aim for the decks!”

The birds passed through our ranged attacks.  They aimed straight for the sails, only to run into a shimmering golden barrier.  Most of the birds bounced off, but the largest one punched straight through.  Three smaller ones followed their leader, tearing into the sail.  As they vandalized the sail, they ran straight into a string of magical disks that proceeded to cut the smaller ones to shreds.  Only the largest hawk made it through, savaging the rear sail.  Twinkle slammed into it with a powerful flying kick, sending the rider and hawk tumbling into the water.  Their leader fallen, the seven remaining bloodied birds of the first flight began to fly away. 

●   Critical Hit, Hawk takes 218 points of damage from a crossbow and is stunned for 4 seconds.  Passenger failed Ariel Combat skill check and is dismounted.

The golden disks began spinning.  Julia’s face was a mask of concentration, as she flung them after the remaining birds.  She wounded two but was unable to kill them at that range. 

“And I’m just getting started,” she said to me.  I went to reload another crossbow and aimed at the second wave. 

The second wave was smarter.  We had fewer loaded crossbows and only one ballista armed.  The crew was working as fast as they could.  However, between keeping the ship moving and reloading the crossbows, they were getting bogged down.  Consequently, there was less counter-air defense this time around.  Glorious Robert ordered the ship turned, and the driver spun the wheel mightily to bring the remaining heavy weapons to bear. 

“Is it a driver?” I asked, consulting my Sailing skill.

●   Critical Hit, Hawk takes 223 points of damage from a crossbow and is stunned for 4 seconds.  Penetrating shot, Passenger also takes 106 points of damage and is knocked unconscious.

“It’s the driver of a ship.  That’s the helm,” replied Shart.  I grunted back at him.  

On Earth, I thought the term was helmsman.  However, it stood to reason that Ordinal didn’t have a gender-coded version of the word.  Helmsman wouldn’t have made sense anyway; the helm was being manned by a woman.

●   Critical Hit, Hawk takes 216 points of damage from a crossbow and is stunned for 4 seconds.  Penetrating shot, Passenger also takes 108 points of damage.

The hawks were growing craftier.  Even as the ballista slammed into one, killing the hawk and rider, another twelve closed.  They hovered just outside Julia’s barrier, while their riders threw an impressive assortment of small explosive items at the golden shield. 

I heard Julia grunt, as one particularly large explosion rocked the barrier.  Suddenly, the golden protective field fractured slightly, allowing five more birds to fly into the sails.  It seemed that the strength of Julia’s barriers was largely dependent on the proximity of the barrier.  Even as the birds broke through, Julia was flinging golden disks of energy at them.  She managed to carve the wing off one of the mighty birds, sending it careening into the sea.  However, the remaining hawks had gotten into the sails.  One of the beasts ripped a sailor in half, as the riders attempted to tear down our sails. 

●   Multi Shot, 2 riders and 2 hawks take 115 points of damage from a crossbow.  Two riders are slain.

The riders, having some sort of climbing claws, all aimed for the sails.  The sharp appendages allowed them to cut massive rends in the sails’ fabric but seemed to slow their descent slightly.  Twinkle was on them instantly, all but running down the silky sail to deliver a fisting to each of them. 

As he closed with the last one, his kick impacted against a solid club.  The elf’s precarious footing failed him.  Twinkle tumbled down the ruined sail, getting caught up in the textile.  As the rider finished his descent, he landed on the deck, directly in front of Glorious Robert.

●   Sev, Level 38 Sky Rider

●   HP: 401/440

●   Stamina: 372/450

●   Mana: 60/60

That rider had to be an adventurer.  He had a couple levels on Glorious Robert, who was only level 36.  Of course, Glorious Robert was built entirely for this kind of close-up fighting.  I wondered how many of Sev’s perks had gone to powering his magnificent hawk, which was now contending with Julia’s swarm of golden sawblades.

●   Critical Hit, Rider takes 203 points of damage from a crossbow and is slain

The other two flights of hawks were closing much more quickly.  Unlike the previous flights, there would be no break in between.  I was growing concerned that they were trying to sink the ship.

“They aren’t, Dum Dum,” replied Shart, answering my apparently stupid thought.  “Watch.”

As I reloaded, I saw wave after wave of attackers leaping from their hawks.  Shart was right; they didn’t want to destroy the Baldwin.  They seemed to want to capture it as intact as possible.  The riders ripped their way down toward the decks, their wicked claws glinting in the sunlight.  I was reminded of my very hungry badger. 

●   Multi Shot, 4 riders take 115 points of damage from a crossbow and are slain.

I’m going to have to get myself a set of those claws.  They look very useful.

One of the riders made the mistake of landing next to Badgelor.  The badger slammed him to the ground and began tearing him apart.  The rider’s friends unwisely attempted to save him.  They did this by jumping onto Badgelor, which ended with predictable results.  Badgelor was only in his medium War form, his Ultimate size being so large that it caused the ship to wobble when he jumped around.  Being smaller was not deterring him, though.  He was gathering a rather large and impressive pile of innards and bones for gnawing.  Eventually, two hawks joined in, granting my badger his wish of a snack for later.  

“Shit, do I have to mop that up, too?” I asked, watching the grotesque show of disembowelment.  I turned away when the squelching noises became too much.  Even Shart was gagging on my shoulder.

Several of our attackers were sliding down the sail that Julia was standing next to.  I grabbed the belaying pin that I’d been looking at earlier and waited for them to land. 

Julia beat me to it, sending four glowing disks up the sails.  They carved perfect lines into the fabric.  They also carved perfect lines into three unfortunate riders.  Blood and guts rained down onto the deck, causing Badgelor to let out the most thrilling shriek of happiness I had ever heard from him.  The fourth rider leapt toward Julia, a pair of wicked looking blades coming out from their claws. 

●   Rider suffers 45 points of damage from a Powerful Blow.  Target suffers 8 logs knockback.

The rider hit the water with a splash.  I turned to watch Glorious Robert and Sev going at it.  The two were engaged in a proper fight on the deck.  Glorious Robert sported several bloody wounds, but, overall, Sev was in worse shape.  All around them, riders and sailors were fighting a furious short-range engagement, while Twinkle was trying to keep their birds from doing too much damage to the sails.

Another rider must have realized how many adventurers were on board the ship.  She didn’t bother with anyone.  Instead, she made a beeline straight for the door to the guts of the ship.  There were two sailors standing guard there.  Neither lasted more than a few seconds, as the rider powered right through them.

“Stop her!” bellowed Glorious Robert.  “She’ll burn the ship.”  The Fisherman tried to break his feet free from the deck.  Currently, he was covered in a grey alchemical glue that had severely limited his maneuverability. 

“Julia, you’ve got this!  I believe in you,” I yelled, leaping over the railing to the main deck.  There were a half-dozen pirates engaged in a battle with the crew.  Badgelor was being harried along the deck by two of the hawks.  The starboard side of the ship was beginning to smoke, as a rider continued to dump some sort of flammable chemical on it.  Overall, the battle wasn’t going great.

I used Flash Steps to shoot through the doorway and down into the confines of the lower decks.  I hadn’t actually been in the ship’s inner bowels before, and it was downright claustrophobic.  The hallways were just large enough for a man to walk through, assuming he hunched over.  The handful of lamps that were in use were all dim and tightly contained.  Fortunately, the dim lighting wasn’t a problem, primarily because someone had been tossing incendiaries everywhere. 

“Shart, she’s burning the boat!” I mentally screamed. 

“That is an odd change of tactics.  I really thought they were trying to capture it,” replied the demon.

“Where is she?” I yelled, looking around.  All I could see was fire.  I had Tracking, but fire.  I had Perception, but, still, fire.  There were far too many things on a boat that liked to burn.  I eventually chose a closed door to charge through and finally caught sight of our erstwhile arsonist.  As she proceeded with her arsoning, I took a moment to examine this angry young pirate, Dori.  

Dori launched a spray of daggers, forcing me to Dodge under them.  I began firing magical machine gun blasts at her.  Dori attempted to jump out of the path of the beams, but she had nowhere to go.  I began walking the blasts toward her as the hawk rider searched for an out.

Then, I caught a face full of smoke and started coughing.  Divine magic relied on the holy word, so, as soon as I stopped speaking, the spell ended.  Dori, determining that I was a squishy Cleric, charged with a pair of shortswords at the ready. 

As she approached, I drew my longsword, causing her to actually smirk.  The next moment, she was thrusting with unabated fury, forcing me to give ground.  I attempted to counterstrike, but the longsword smashed into a support beam, allowing her a free cut.  I attempted to go on the offensive.  Mid-swing the long blade struck the ceiling, allowing Dori another free cut.  I resorted to thrusting at her with the longsword.  Since she knew that was all I could muster with such a large blade in the compact space, her own defense was pitifully easy to manage.

Considering my options, I rapidly determined that I was mostly screwed fighting with a longsword in a tight cabin.  There wasn’t any area to properly utilize the weapon’s advantages.  What little I could do, my opponent could counter easily. 

I used Flash Steps to get some distance and sheathed the weapon.

“Giving up already?” chuckled Dori.

“It's bat o’clock,” I said, unclipping the belaying pin. 

“What?” asked Dori, clearly confused.  I rushed her.  Dori got ready for another round of slicing and dicing.  However, the much smaller weapon was far more well suited for fighting below decks.

As I closed, I activated Thrust, which was more of an aggressive swing for the rafters with the belaying pin.  Dori managed to block the attack with both swords, though the effort sent her stumbling backward.  I followed up with Hack and Slash, knocking both her weapons aside and smashing the pin into her head and shoulders. 

As I readied a Felling Strike to cave in her skull, she tossed an orb at me.  I stupidly parried it, using my Parry Anything skill.  One should never parry an incendiary device.  Parrying an incendiary device causes such a device to explode. 

●   Fire Damage:  You have suffered 127 points of Fire Damage.  Dragon Skin reduces Damage by half.

As the flames washed over me, my arm began to blacken.  It started near my elbow, where the first pieces of the broken orb hit me.  From there, the blackening began to simultaneously run up, toward my shoulder, and down, toward my hand.  It eventually affected my entire arm.  In the next instant, all I could see was fire, as the chemical concoction completely covered me.  All I could hear was Dori.  She was standing over me, laughing at the fool that had smashed a fire orb.  As I tried to breathe and think of a plan, I became aware of another noise in the background.  I thought it was Shart, but his voice was much...higher.  He was breathing heavily and groaning.  “Yes, fire, just like that.  Do it.”

Horrified by what I thought Shart was doing, I grabbed Dori by the throat and pulled her directly to my face until I could see her through the flames.  She did not look happy. 

Dori started trying to cut me with her swords.  Meanwhile, I tried to use her as a bludgeon to break one of the ship’s heavy support beams.  She was doing decent damage to me with each of her strikes, but the stupid beam was just too tough.  All I was doing was causing my weapon extensive Durability Damage. 

I was pretty sure I broke something.  Then, I heard Hansa screaming.

“Jim, you’re spreading oil everywhere!” she cried. 

My face had burned clear enough that I could see the bunkhouse.  It had gone from mildly on fire to raging inferno in a fairly short period.  While I’d been beating her against the support beam, Dori had apparently been tossing flaming orbs off her person.  The incendiaries had filled the room with what most would consider to be too much fire and smoke.  We were about to have a serious problem.

“Tossing? You’ve been shaking orbs off her like fleas off a mangy badger,” said Shart. 

Dori slammed both of her shortswords into my wrist.  The first deflected off my armor.  The second sunk in deep and found something bony.  Blood began to ooze, as my grip noticeably slackened.  Dori took the opportunity to flee.  She dove through a window and into the ocean below. 

Hansa then blasted me with some sort of glittery, pink foam.  The seeping substance grew, seemingly sucking in the fire.  I was immediately extinguished, and she carried on with her work.  The Engineer continued to blast the foaming concoction out of something that resembled a steampunk leaf blower.  Within moments, the room was no longer burning.  Hansa advanced down the hall, searching for other fires. 

I glanced out the window, but Dori was already well behind the ship.  I didn’t see her and couldn’t locate her.  There were multiple hawks flying away, so I suspected they had stopped their attack.  Though, you’d never know it by all the yelling on the top deck. 

Crawling out the window, I climbed up to the deck of the ship.  It was an easier route than going through the smoke-filled hallway to get to the regular door.  The deck was in chaos.  Glorious Robert had torn his feet free from the ship by pulling the deck up with him.  He was plodding along with makeshift wooden shoes, yelling at his crew to get the fires out and the sails back into position.

After I’d gone below deck, the ship had suffered badly.  I thought Shart had been right after all.  They had been trying to capture the Baldwin at first; they just gave up and shifted to sinking the boat midway through the fight.  Whatever chemical they had been deploying against the hull would never have ceased its burning with just water.  Thankfully, Hansa really didn’t want to burn to death.  Some time ago, she’d engineered a solution in the form of an alchemical reagent that expanded on contact with fire.  The fire did not survive the process. 

Once all the fires had been put out, I found Twinkle, partially burned, and Julia, also thoroughly sooty, sitting at the rear of the ship. 

“Thank goodness for Badgelor,” said Twinkle.  Julia rolled her eyes but said nothing.

“What did he do?” I asked, looking over to the mid-sized badger.  He was barking a mixture of compliments and insults to the crew.  In between, he was slurping up chargrilled...something better left unmentioned.

“He ate a bunch of explosives,” said Twinkle, “And put out a bunch of fires.  We’d have probably lost the sails if he hadn’t been so damn effective.  He was a one-badger fire brigade up here.”

“He did well,” Julia finally said.

“Where's a ship without its badger?” asked Twinkle rhetorically.

“At the bottom of the sea,” replied Julia sardonically. 

I sent Badgelor a “good work.”  He replied with a bit of a snarl, as he continued directing damage control parties.  They seemed to be following his instructions, despite not having a clue what he was saying.  It made me wonder if they already had a standing protocol for when the ship had been ravaged by fire.  Strangely, Glorious Robert didn’t even attempt to take back control over that portion of the repairs.  I suspected it was because there was plenty of other work for him to do. 

“At least it's over,” I said finally.

“You are kidding, right?” asked Julia, gesturing toward the former dot on the horizon.  The dot had grown considerably and was now, quite obviously, another fishing boat. 

Chapter 6 - Post Battle Blues

The aftermath of the battle took us a while to resolve.  Julia and I were sent to the sails, where we both made extensive use of our Mend spells.  We saved what bits we could, while crew members drug out fresh sailing fabric to replace what we could not.  The sails had not been ruined so badly that we stopped dead, but our speed was greatly slowed.  Of our three sails, only one had remained mostly intact. 

“Hurry your asses up!  They are going to catch us,” Glorious Robert bellowed. 

Julia frowned.  As a princess, she was unused to being told to hurry her ass up.  Her ass did exactly what she wanted it to do, when she wanted it to do it.  In this case, we both understood the nature of the problem.  She bit her tongue and continued repairing the sail. 

I noticed several members of the crew assisting us.  They were wearing leather contraptions around their palms.  As I watched, they fitted the triangular needles we were using into the thimble in the contraption and pushed it through the thick sail.

“Do I need one of those?” I asked, glancing at the sail. 

“Depends on whether or not you intend to sew,” said Julia.  Our spells were on cooldown, so we were both watching them work.  Julia opened a small pouch and pulled out a large needle.  A golden disk formed in her palm.  She used that similarly to how the sailors were using their equipment to hold the needle in place. 

“I’m surprised you know how to sew,” I said.

“Why would that be?” she replied flatly.  “Sewing is a necessary skill for adventurers.”

“So is cooking,” I replied.

“So, why don’t you know how to do it?” Julia shot back smartly. 

It was true.  I didn’t know how to cook, which had led to me eating some rather questionable food in the past few days.  I had the Endurance to be able to eat pretty much anything, but it still made more sense to pick up a Cooking skill.  Julia knowing how to tailor was understandable.  After all, her class wore robes.  Knowing how to keep your adventuring gear in working shape was important.  Knowing how to do something without magic was also significant, as I’d discovered.

Badgelor handed me a sewing kit.  “Stop lollygagging.  Do you need a fortifying snack?  Here, take a bite.”  He waved a bean-shaped organ in front of my face.

“Is that a kidney?” I asked, as Julia began looking pale beside me.  I wondered how much longer her anti-seasickness spell had.

“It’s delicious, is what it is,” the badger answered.  I shook my head, and he wandered off, muttering about ungrateful companions under his breath.

I opened the sewing kit and examined the sturdy triangular needle.  It was designed to pierce the heavy canvas of a ship’s sails.  That made it far heavier than the needle you’d use for sewing a dress.  Putting the contraption onto my hand, I realized it was used to prevent the back of the needle from piercing your palm.  Pushing the needle through the canvas took a bit of force, and no one wanted to fly bloodstained sails.

Taking the sharp end, I poked my skin with double the force necessary to pierce the sail.  It still seemed unnatural, but I didn’t even get a drop of blood.  Sighing, I took the needle and augmented my repairs with sewing. 

In a little over fifteen minutes, we were back at full sail.  The pirate ship was much closer, as were some ominous storm clouds that had begun to gather as we repaired the ship. 

Glorious Robert yelled over to me, “They stopped closing.”

“Are they picking something or someone up?” I shouted back.  “Perhaps an angry young woman?”

“What?  No, they dropped some longboats,” the Fisherman stated.  “They are still moving behind us, but they are matching our speed.” 

Once again, I found myself on the poop deck.  As I looked at the enemy ship, Badgelor hopped onto my free shoulder.  The tiny badger glared across the water.  “Just outside my range,” he grumbled.

Hansa held up her long-range thingadoo and watched them for a moment.  “I don’t know what they are doing.  There is a man on the deck, waving a staff at us.”

“Let me try.  I have the Divine Lore and Arcane Lore skills.  I will be able to recognize whatever spell he’s using,” stated Julia.  Hansa’s eyes shot open at the mention of those uncommon skills.  She was rapidly turning into a Julia fangirl.   

“Storm magic, I’d wager,” I said, earning a frown from Hansa.

Julia turned to face me.  “You aren’t even looking at their ship.  How can you tell?”

I pointed up at the rapidly growing storm clouds that were only above the Baldwin.  Glorious Robert glanced upward and swore.  “Wicked pisser!  Are they going to use lightning to blast us or wind to destroy our sails?”

“Lightning,” replied Badgelor, “Clouds are made of lightning.”

I glanced sidelong at the badger, but Glorious Robert nodded sagely, “He has a point.”  I wasn’t sure if they were fucking with me or not. 

“Ordinal is weird,” I said, grabbing one of the four loaded crossbows and taking aim at the ship.  I checked the weapon, ensuring that it was at maximum tension with my Engineering skill.  Then, I slammed it onto my shoulder.

“Jim, that’s a very long-range shot,” stated Julia. 

“Can anyone hit them at this range?” I asked.  Drawing in as much Stamina as I could bear, I let fly a bolt that went screaming between our ships.  I had focused on maximum possible distance and had to compensate for the roll of the ship.  Even so, my aim was true.  It was also massively short of the target. 

“At least forty logs short, and now they know we don’t have range on them,” stated Glorious Robert.

“Can we slow down, get them to close the range?” I asked.

“No, they are matching our movements.  One crossbow bolt isn’t going to do much, anyway, even with your Marksman talents,” stated Glorious Robert.  “We would need to close with them for the ballista to be in range.  They aren’t going to let us do that.”

“Couldn’t Jim use his Marksman talent on the ballista?” asked Hansa.  “I didn’t have a chance to put a stanamibobulaizer on them, but he could still get one shot.”

“Good point.  However, you need to have a rare Warleader talent to fire those,” stated Glorious Robert, looking at me pointedly.

“Fine,” I grumbled.

Julia nodded, considering the harebrained idea put to rest.  “We will manage.  I’ll handle the magical defenses, and you continue working on moving the ship away.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen him Jim it up yet,” stated Glorious Robert to Julia.

“What, is he just going to pull Siegemaster out of his rear end?” she asked. 

“Yeah, it's in my talent tree,” I replied, after selecting Siegemaster.  The talent allowed me to use my skills on siege weapons.”

Julia shook her head and turned toward me.  “Remorts are incredibly impressive.  Only a few of the higher-ranking generals in Falcon purchased that talent.  Using a ballista with a Marksman talent requires an incredible amount of Stamina.  Can you manage it?”

“I don’t think we have a choice,” I replied. 

We quickly started to get the weapon operator out of the ballista, as the blackening storm clouds formed into one massive, intimidating cloud.  I attempted to Counterspell it, but the magic seemed to be connected to the massive stormfront moving behind us.  While I was able to weaken their caster’s control over it, I couldn’t actually stop it.  The storm was coming this way, no matter what.  Their caster was just pushing it toward us in an unnaturally speedy fashion. 

“Best you can do is blunt it.  He’s a Primal Caster, and that storm is a massive power source to him,” said Shart.

I watched the cloud for a few moments, as the caster gathered more clouds and moved them toward our ship.  Their spell caster wasn’t trying to blast us with lightning; he was trying to build the biggest, meanest storm cloud above us and let it do its thing.  He had multiple spells active, funneling clouds above the ship and keeping them there.  My Counterspell skill required a point source that I could work on, and those effects were too broad to target. 

“Julia, could you block a lightning bolt?” I asked, walking her directly under the main mast. 

“I can’t project my barriers that high.  I’d need to be much higher than this,” she replied. 

“Like the crow’s nest?” I asked, throwing a loop of rope around her waist.

“Wait, what are you planning to do?” she asked, looking up to a waving Twinkle. 

“This,” I replied, slicing another rope.  The princess flew, screaming all the way, straight up to the crow’s nest. 

“That had to be a Wilhelm scream,” I said, realizing my own scream was a bit goofy in comparison.  Then, I turned back to the ballista.  By the time I had strapped in, my hair was standing straight up from all the electricity pouring out of the storm cloud. 

“So, how stupid of an idea is this?” I commented conversationally to no one, as I strapped myself into the ballista harness.  The weapon was extended over the side of the ship.  It was not attached nearly as well as I would have liked. 

A blast of lightning struck the nearby water, and I glanced back up at the storm cloud.  It was larger than just a few moments ago, but Julia had erected a barrier.  The golden protective shield was surrounded by two layers of glowing disks.  Now that she was closer to the attack, her barriers were much more potent.  The problem was that his spell generated actual lightning bolts, and those were pushing 1.21 gigawatts.

“Great Scott,” I uttered. 

Suddenly, another blast of lightning flashed.  It struck the shield and was deflected, striking the water before dissipating.  I realized that was what happened to the first bolt, but, as I watched, several of Julia’s protective disks shattered, even as new ones flew up to replace them.  Then, another lightning bolt hit.  Julia was going to be hard pressed to keep up.

“Let's do this,” I yelled to Glorious Robert.  I grabbed the two hand cranks and began adjusting the aim of the massive crossbow.  I instantly saw why people didn’t normally use ballistas with their Marksman talents.

●   You are attempting to use your Marksman talents with a Siege Weapon.  All costs increase by a factor of 20. 

I whistled.  That was going to be impressive, even for me.  My max Stamina was currently 480.  Even a relatively simple Power Shot typically cost me 40 Stamina, which would translate to 800 points. 

“It's going to cost 800 Stamina for me to hit that ship,” I stated uncomfortably.

“Fine,” grumbled Badgelor, who seemed to burrow more deeply into my shoulder.  Instantly, I felt the Share Energy perk kick on. 

●   You have been granted access to your companion’s Stamina pool.  Badgelor, Lord of the Badgers, has given you 482 Stamina.  Total Stamina is now 962.

“You have 482 Stamina?” I asked, bringing up Badgelor’s sheet.  “Wait a minute!  You have 882 Hit Points!  That’s more Hit Points and Stamina than I have.” 

“You are the companion, and I am the War Badger,” stated Badgelor.  “Of course, my stats are higher than yours.”

“When he says companion, he means sidekick,” stated Shart helpfully.

“How?” I asked.

“Whenever you go up a level, I get bonus Hit Points and Stamina, and you Remorted,” stated Badgelor.  “Normally, you’d be taking talents that would increase your stats at higher levels.  I wouldn’t benefit from those.  However, your leveling up is so messed up that you haven’t had that opportunity.  Even better, I get bonus Hit Points at higher levels.”

“What?” I groaned.

“I got more Hit Points when you leveled to 60 than I got at level 30,” grinned the badger.  “It's supposed to be for balance, but it only checks your total level so...”

“Wait a second, every time I level up you get more and more Hit Points?  When I level up past 60, your leveling gets even higher, and when I Remort, you get to do it again?” I questioned.  Badgelor nodded.  “I call shenanigans.”

“Call it whatever you’d like.  Next time we find Charles, I’m going to eat him,” replied Badgelor.

Grumbling, I lined up my shot, which was much harder than I’d like to admit.  On dry land, only your target is moving, and they are only moving significantly on one plane.  In the water, the Baldwin was cutting through waves.  The ship was constantly rocking.  Meanwhile, the opposing ship was not only moving toward us, but the swell of the waves was causing it to rise and fall in the water. 

Thankfully, the turret that Hansa designed for the ballista took some of that into account.  The turret reduced the chaotic up and down motions of our ship and, through a series of gears and pulleys, turned them into something manageable.

“No time like the present,” I said.  As I aimed, I focused my Stamina into the ballista bolt.  Unlike a normal bowshot, the process took several moments.  I had to keep my aim on the target while the Stamina was channeled. 

“Wait for it,” said Badgelor.  I glanced up and noticed that he was intently watching the water, trying to gauge when we’d hit the next big swell.  Suddenly, the badger squeezed my shoulder, and I launched the bolt.

●        You have fired a ballista bolt.  Abilities used: Power Shot 4, cost 800 Stamina, Damage 320, Penetrating

The ballista bolt rocketed out of the launcher like a high-powered bullet.  There were a few interesting effects.  The first was that the nearly flat trajectory between the Baldwin and the enemy ship had kept my difficulties aiming to a minimum.  The second was that the bolt was so powerful that anything it hit was going to have a bad day.  The third was the most problematic. Without my shoulder to act as a recoil compensator, all that energy had been pushed into a cobbled together set of gears and pulleys, which explosively gave out from the strain. 

In other words, when the bolt went toward the enemy ship, the ballista went the other way.  I, at least, got to see the bolt flying straight at the enemy caster before a massive blast of water shot up from the ocean, protecting him.  The bolt still carried tremendous power and was deflected left, where it slammed through the wave.  My errant missile sliced into the forecastle instead of the druid.  Then, it exploded out the back of the crew quarters, peppering the entire deck in shrapnel.  It wasn’t finished, though.  From there, the bolt slammed through the mizzenmast before finally hitting the water, where it disappeared.     

It was a glorious sight.  It was also the last thing I saw before the turret crashed into the ocean.  I was still safely fastened into the harness, theoretically preventing me from falling overboard.  Before I even had time to reach for my knife, Badgelor had cut through all the leather straps with his teeth.  We both kicked hard toward the surface, aided by how particularly buoyant Shart was.  He was better than an air bladder in Subnautica.   

The Baldwin was well past us.  We had been going at a good clip, and the ship was moving much faster than the water I’d fallen into.  Hansa flung a rope at me.  In the best circumstances, it would have been long enough to reach.  Unfortunately, as the ship continued to move, the length proved insufficient.  Before I had a chance to react, the rope was well out of reach. 

“Plan B, we invade the other ship and take it over,” I suggested without much fervor.

“If you have the big brass ones for that, certainly,” stated Badgelor, watching the enemy ship.  “It's full of Sailors and their beasts.  They are all going to want you dead.”

I considered that.  With my War Leader talent, Army of One, I could probably make a go of it.  Then again, the actual mechanics of one-manning an entire ship would be a challenge, particularly because they would have access to me at all angles.  Additionally, I’d have no support, aside from Badgelor...and Shart.  Realistically, it would be difficult, but, if the only other option was drowning, I wasn’t going to discount the plan entirely. 

Unfortunately, there was another issue. The direction of the blowing wind was all wrong.  It was pushing both ships slightly to the left as they sailed.  All they needed to do was nothing to avoid running into me, thus making all my calculations academic.   

“Plan C, you drown?” asked Shart.

“You are too buoyant for that,” I stated. 

Turning back to our ship, I caught sight of Twinkle.  The elf was diving into the water, a thick rope attached to him.  I didn’t know how much spare rope the ship had, but I couldn’t imagine there being enough for him to swim to us.  Despite that, I started swimming toward him, simply because being lost at sea seemed like the worst possible option.  Suddenly, Twinkle’s torso shot out of the water, followed by the rest of him.  He landed on the surface and started running toward us. 

“How the feck is he doing that?  Is it a skill?” I asked.

“A stance,” stated Shart.  “He’s using a Water Walking stance.”

“I need to learn some stances,” I replied, as Twinkle bore down on us much faster than I expected.  “Wow, he was right.  He would have been able to avoid me in that dungeon.”

Twinkle was full bore Naruto running across the water.  Every few paces, his form would blur.  Then, he would reappear several paces in front of where he had been before.  That trick was similar to my Flash Steps perk, but, for the elf, it was a Mana drain.  

“He’s coming in really fast,” stated Badgelor.  Twinkle was a pretty impressive specimen, but he was going to run out of Mana before he actually got to us.  Then something odd happened.  Twinkle’s Stamina bar shrunk while his Mana bar expanded. 

“He can convert Stamina to Mana?” I asked.

“It's a Monk perk,’ stated Shart. 

“Then, he’s not going to slow down,” I said, as Twinkle got within range.  My happiness was ablated when he glomped onto my back. 

“Life or death,” he yelled.  I didn’t even have time to respond.  The last bits of slack in Twinkle’s rope ran out, and we were yanked through the water.

“Thanks!  Are you going to carry me back?” I asked.

“I can’t support your weight,” answered Twinkle apologetically.  “I could barely support Badgelor’s weight if he was dry.  Don’t worry, though.  Hansa is working out a winch to pull us in.  It will be ready in half an hour or so.”

“Great,” I grumbled, trying to figure out how to get back to the ship.  Just pulling myself with the rope was going to take forever, especially with the water working against me.  “Are we at least going faster than the pirates?”

“Yes,” stated Twinkle, gripping my midsection more tightly.  “Your shot damaged their mizzenmast, and they are slowing down to repair it.  The angry buttshark seems to think that, if we hurry, we can get out of range of their spells.”

That did not merit any kind of analysis.   Grumbling, I tried to do a bit of barefoot water skiing.

●        You have learned the skill Water Skiing.  You are unskilled.  You look like an idiot trying to ski without skis!

We all tumbled under the surface.  The Baldwin was not going fast enough to provide the kind of momentum I would need to walk or run-on water.  Then, I chastised myself.  That was an Earth concept.  On Ordinal, my skill was not high enough to ski barefoot.  I needed something buoyant that I could stand on, as we carved through the angry, cold ocean.

“Feck you,” stated Shart, as I slid the little demon to my foot.

Chapter 7 - What Not to do with an Elder Demon

Julia, by far, looked the most horrified.  Once my strange little group climbed back onto the ship, I noticed the princess, her mouth agape and eyes wide.  I had to sit down and drag Shart from the bottom of my foot all the way to his proper place on my shoulder.  The little whiner was spitting and coughing out sea water.  I almost felt sorry for him.  Then, he spit a minnow directly into my face, and the feeling passed.

“You used an Elder Demon as a water ski,” Julia finally commented.

“It's not like he was doing anything else useful,” I explained.

“Feck you both,” groaned the demon.  “Feck her for summoning me, and feck you for being you.  You have replaced the rock as the object in this world I hate the most.”

It occurred to me that I might actually need to apologize.  Shart really hated that rock.

“Well, that’s enough of that,” stated Julia, producing an orb the size of a tennis ball.  It was half cream and half pink.  The pink half looked like someone had strung a pair of purple panties over it, and there was a large M in the middle of it.

“Is that a master ball?” I asked.

“What the feck is a master ball?” Julia asked.  She paused and looked at the ball for a moment, flipping it over.  “It is the Walker Orb, made by the Walker of Siers himself, before he turned evil.  Well, before he turned more evil.”

“Why does it look like a baseball that someone shoved a pair of panties on?” I asked.

“I said ‘before he turned more evil.’  He was always eccentric,” she grumbled and tossed the ball at Shart.  Amused, I let the ball pass, only to watch it strike Shart.  The moment the ball hit him, my little demon started to glow red.  Then, he vanished.

I tried to snatch the ball, but it was like holding on to very slippery ice.  When Julia’s hand came back up, the orb flew away and slapped into her palm.  “No more of your shenanigans!” she announced. 

“Where the hell were you hiding that?” I asked incongruously.  “I thought you said Hardragon’s group searched you?

“They did.  I had it...well, I had it hidden,” replied Julia.  My eyes shot open.  Glorious Robert’s eyes shot open.  Both Rose and Hansa blushed.  Julia spat out, “I have a belly button ring of holding, and the orb is normally invisible!”

“Oh, that’s not where I thought she hid it at all,” smiled Twinkle, earning a glare from Julia. 

“That makes sense,” sent Shart.

“You can still hear me?” I asked.

“Yes, that link I set up in Limbo is still active.  We need to figure out a way to get me out of here,” stated Shart.

“How is that holding you?” I asked.

“It's a Kingdom tier artifact,” stated Shart.

I was about to ask how the princess of Falcon got her hands on a Kingdom tier artifact, but I realized that, even for me, it was a stupid question.   

“If I promise not to use him as a water ski anymore, can I have him back?” I asked.  Julia just shook her head.

“Along with the random fistings by the Monk and your general disrespect, I think the water-skiing incident was the leaves in the wine,” she answered.  The orb shrunk and turned invisible again.  “Besides, you are mean to him.”

“Just because I have occasionally called him a little red zit doesn’t mean I don’t respect him,” I sternly replied. 

“You act like you are friends, but he is an Elder Demon,” said Julia.  “Do you know how ridiculous it sounds when you talk to him?”

I rolled my eyes and stomped off.  Shart was my demon.  She had no right to take him from me.  At least his mental transmitter was still working.  “What do you think?” I asked him.

“Look, use your, um...interpersonal skills.  You do have some, right?  Tell her you need the orb for, um, safekeeping?” stated Shart.  “Meanwhile, I will be tireless in my efforts to escape from here. You cannot hold the mighty Shart in such a confined space!  I am going to explode out of here when you least expect it!  One moment, she’s going to be thinking happy thoughts.  Then, guess what?  Boom!  Shart everywhere!  I mean, just look around here!  Is...is that a pool table?”

“Shart?” I questioned.

“And a wet bar?” asked Shart slowly.  “Huh, I'm gonna be honest with you, Dum Dum.  Being in this orb is the first time I haven’t been in agony since I got back to Ordinal.”

“What are you saying?  Do you want to stay in there?” I asked.

“Beats the alternative of being inside out on Ordinal,” replied the demon.  “I’ll stay for now.  At least until we can get me back right side out.

I looked back toward Julia.  “Fine.”

“Are you sure?  You spent a long time thinking about it,” she replied curiously. 

“I’m a deeply introspective person,” I responded.

Glorious Robert chuckled and looked back at the other ship.  “They aren’t chasing us anymore.  I think Jim’s trick saved us.”

“O’Really,” smiled Julia, patting me on the cheek.  “Jim does seem to be a tricky sort of person.  How much longer until we reach my destination?”

“Several days,” stated Glorious Robert, looking out into the distance.  An occasional peak jutted out of the water. 

I brought up my map.  With Glorious Robert’s data streaming into it, I was getting a vast swath of nothing to put onto my big blue map.  I didn’t want to exactly admit that I had no idea where we were, and Glorious Robert seemed to know where he was going.  We were south of Windfall, in the Inner Sea.  However, seeing as Windfall was on the northwestern shore of the Inner Sea, south of Windfall was pretty much everything. 

As Glorious Robert walked toward his crew, I realized that I was a passenger on this ship.  I didn’t have anything to do.  After the last week of harrowing battles, it was going to be a pleasant change to sit around and do nothing for a few hours.

Grinning, I turned to find a place that was not a hammock to catch some shut eye.  Before I had a chance to unwind, I spotted a very angry looking Hansa.  The Engineer was staring daggers at me, with an apologetic Rose in tow.

“You broke my ballista,” Hansa growled cutely.

“But I saved the ship,” I said, searching for allies in this deadly encounter.  The traitors had all abandoned me.  Even Badgelor was gone.  I caught sight of his furry behind quickly darting up the mast.

“No matter!  Fortunately, I brought enough parts to assemble a spare,” she grinned wickedly.  “As I recall, you also have the Engineering skill.”

‘Weaponized cuteness, indeed,’ I thought.

Chapter 8 - Island Adventure

The next morning, I was awoken way too early by Julia.  The princess opened the door to my shared cabin and plinked me on the head with a golden, marble-sized barrier.  I carefully got out of my hammock.  After the last fiasco, I had been moved to the bottom “bunk.”  At least now when I fell out, I didn’t hurt anyone else. 

As we reached the deck, the fully repaired ballista glimmered in the breaking dawn.  It had taken many hours of late afternoon sunlight, but Hansa had made it clear that no one would sleep last night until the contraption was fixed according to her specifications.  I was well and truly done with all forms of construction for the time being.  Beyond the weapon, I spotted an island on the horizon. 

Julia stepped up, smiling at me.  She walked to the rails and gazed at our destination.  The island looked like any other small island you might see in the ocean.  There was a tall, rocky center point, and lush green trees grew everywhere.  There appeared to be only one small beach on the side of the island that faced our boat. 

“I don’t know about this,” stated Glorious Robert hesitantly.

“Look, you said that you needed some time in a harbor to affect repairs.  It is purely good fortune that my first destination included such a prime harbor.  It is about the safest place we are going to run into for the next few days.”

“Plus, the peak on the island is high enough that we should be able to see any other ships on the horizon.  Yeah, yeah, I know the pitch, lady,” grunted Glorious Robert, “When are you going to tell me about this second destination?”   

“We’ll be back soon,” smiled Julia.  She hopped onto the longboat and gestured for me to come with her.  I would be operating the oars, most likely.  Twinkle grinned and popped onto the boat as well, confident in his ability to cheer me on. 

Hansa also insisted on coming.  While her Engineering skills were useful for the fiddly parts of the ship, she was suboptimal for general repairs.  In truth, Glorious Robert wanted her to sit in her cabin until the repairs were completed.  Her presence had necessitated a brief discussion between her and the princess. 

“It’s not safe,” said Julia.  It was a perfectly logical and reasonable argument.  If Hansa had attempted to dismantle that argument, she would have lost.  So, she cheated and brought out the dinner plates. 

“Her eyes are huge,” stated Shart.  “I mean, that can’t be natural.”

“How are you seeing them?” I asked, wondering how cut off from the world Shart actually was. 

“Huge,” responded Shart.

“Pray that she never uses those on me,” whispered Badgelor reverently. 

“Would she need to?  You do anything any of the girls ask you to.  You’re already gaining weight from all those badger snacks that Julia’s feeding you,” I said.  Badgelor had the good grace to huff at me. 

Julia was a princess of a kingdom that was used to dealing with bothersome requests.  Her will was like iron, her motives unquestionable.  There was no way she was going to cave to Hansa.

Holding out my hand, I helped Hansa onto the boat.  Rose followed after her.  The ONLY concession Julia had mustered was bringing Rose to watch out for Hansa.  Both girls were, at least, armored in their full militia outfits.  That was something.  Rose looked tired, and her hair was noticeably out of place. 

“Did you just wake up?” I asked, as she settled in.

“I was…talking...with a friend of mine on ze boat,” she answered, a slight pink tint coloring her cheeks. 

“Talking,” chuckled Badgelor.  I rolled my eyes.  It appeared that Rose wasn’t watching Hansa one hundred percent of the time. 

“What happens if you fall out of the boat?” I ventured, glancing at her armor. 

Rose rolled her eyes.  “Hansa has added ze bladderfish air bladders to our armor.  We will both float until we are rescued.”

I paused at that.  I didn’t have air fish bladders on my armor.  My armor wasn’t exactly light, either.  Why the hell didn’t I sink when I fell off the boat last time?  Surely, Shart could not have supported my entire armored weight.  I brought up my Swimming skill, and the answer was plain as day.  I had apparently selected the Unrestricted Armor perk at Journeyman.

“Wait, when did I take that perk?” I asked.  Thinking back, I was certain I had never made such a decision.

“I picked it for ye,” stated Badgelor.

“You can select my perks?” I boggled.  “I never agreed to that.” 

“Sure, and quit whining.  You can select mine, too.  Just never do that under any circumstance,” replied Badgelor.  “I have a build and nothing to spare.”

“I’m going to guess that people who wear armor and fall into the water frequently drown.  I’m betting it happens often enough that you didn’t think it was worth bothering me over,” I stated.

“Yup, it's just a Sports perk.  Being able to hold your breath for an extra minute is much less useful than not plunging into the deep depths of the ocean,” stated Badgelor.  Given what I’d seen of the ocean so far, I had to agree with him. 

“Well, I guess, if it's the first time, I can forgive you,” I said.

“Good, I’m glad we are on the same page.  By the way, I assigned some of your class perks, too,” said Badgelor.

“When?” I asked, not recalling that at all.

“Level 13.  You were busy not paying attention.  Feck, I did it so long ago that I thought you must have realized it by now,” stated the badger.

“Jim’s fecking with you.  No one is that oblivious,” stated Shart.

Badgelor cuffed me on the top of my head.  “Funny joke, har har.”  Then, Badgelor decided he had better things to do.  He hopped off my shoulder and plopped down expectantly on Hansa’s lap. 

“Sure you don’t want to come?” I asked Glorious Robert.

“Tempting, but I think at least one of us needs to stay with the ship,” stated the old captain.  He left out the part about needing some peace and quiet from Hansa.  She was adorable but challenging, even at the best of times. 

Hansa, to her credit, had mechanized the process of lowering the longboat.  Within a moment, we were flying down at top speed toward the water.  Dangerous for Earthlings, but we folks from Ordinal could suffer punishing blows to our tailbones with no complaints. 

I grabbed both oars and started off toward the shore.  “Please, no one help.  I got this.”

No one else moved, because no one else had been planning on it.  I still wasn’t sure how sexism worked on Ordinal.  It seemed fairly gender-neutral, but pretty girls didn’t have to lift their fingers very often.  That must have just been a rule of the universe, no matter where you actually were in it.   

“That looks taxing,” stated Twinkle.  The elf was pretty but decidedly too young for my tastes.   

“Well, unless you want to get out and push, there isn’t really a better way of getting us to shore,” I said. 

Twinkle hopped off the boat and started walking behind it.  I rolled my eyes and continued to row.  “Yeah, I could easily push this to shore.  What’s in it for me?”

Julia turned and frowned at him.  “Why are you here, again?”

“I’m helping my buddy,” stated Twinkle.

“No, you aren’t,” she argued.  Twinkle frowned and placed his hands on the back of the boat.  Within moments, he was pushing us at a ridiculous speed toward the shore.

“Is this fast enough for you, princess?” he yelled, as we hit speeds approaching those of an outboard motor.  Without warning, we realized that we had quickly gotten too close to the shore.

“Twinkle, rocks!” I yelled, gripping the edges of the longboat until they began to crack. Hansa and Rose both screamed, as did Badgelor.  Both girls had raised him up as some sort of shield. 

Twinkle tried unsuccessfully to yank us to a stop before we reached the shore.  The longboat ended up hitting the beach, sliding all the way out of the water.  We finally came to a stop by a conveniently placed rock. 

“Oops, I guess I don’t know my own speed,” Twinkle said snidely, staring straight at Julia. 

“You did that on purpose,” I growled. 

I glanced down at the hull of the boat and spotted numerous holes.  To say it was no longer seaworthy was an understatement.  I glanced up at the smiling Twinkle, but Julia was already on the move.  She was casting Mend repeatedly on the vessel, causing all the holes to seal up.  She grinned at the elf and started up the beach.

“Oh, shit, she played me,” said Twinkle.

“She does that,” I replied, following her onto the island. 

The path from the beach was supposed to take us to a large, fairly obvious, stone door.  Julia led the way, despite us having an elf in the party.  Their natural love of nature was so great that I was surprised when Twinkle plopped directly into the middle of the group.  He was probably trying to protect Rose and Hansa, I realized.  That left me watching the rear, with Badgelor back on my shoulder. 

At times like these, I actually missed Shart.  He was surprisingly good at scouting for dangerous things.

“Julia, how's the puma check going?” I asked.

“There are pumas?” yelped Hansa, looking around. 

“No, he just means that we should watch out for anything and everything,” griped Julia.  “Like drop bears.”

“There are drop bears?” shrieked Hansa, now scanning furiously. 

“So, why call it ze puma check if zere is no pumas?” asked Rose.

“I have no idea, but Grebthar help you if you don’t,” hissed Julia.  The princess grabbed her chest and started going through a puma check, like a sane person.  Who questions a puma check?  Seriously?  Hansa and Rose crouched and began watching the jungle more thoroughly. 

When we finally got to the top of the hill and found the door, we were in a small, sandy clearing.  A gentle breeze blew through the palm trees.  We had a good view around the island, and I spent a long moment scanning the surface of the water.  The Baldwin was the only thing I saw.

“That’s funny.  The damage doesn’t look as bad from out here,” I said, examining the ship.  The entire side had been blackened during the previous day’s attack; however, the crew was busy repairing it.  I had expected more of the ship to be heavily damaged.  They might actually be able to fix it instead of scrapping it once we reached Windfall. 

Julia looked intently at the doorway and began making hand gestures that I didn’t recognize.  Twinkle leapt up and grabbed a coconut.  He handed it to Badgelor, who easily split it with his claws.  The badger handed one half to Rose and the other half to Hansa.  Rose grinned and sipped primly from hers, while Hansa tossed hers back like an old campaigner. 

They were actually having fun, experiencing new things. I miss my kids. 

Of course, I didn’t see a single way to open the door, even using Enhanced Senses.  Julia was already gesturing toward the main lock and saying a prayer to Tony.

With an audible click, the door started to slowly swing open.

“So, what’s even in there?” I asked.

Julia sighed.  “I suppose there is no point in hiding it anymore.  The Royal House of Falcon has many secret stashes hidden all over the inner sea.  The household had a variety of reasons for hiding such resources, none of which matter right now.  This stash contains the materials I need for the next stage of my plan.”

“How did you know where we were?” I asked.

“We are in the Inner Sea.  That’s as obvious as spilt wine.  Also I’ve been to this island before, all members of the Royal Family are required to know where the secret stashes are,” responded Julia.  Then she grinned, “I don’t suppose you’ve had the clever notion to ask the captain where we are?”

I hadn’t, and I could hear Shart groaning in my head.  The Baldwin had launched around the same time that Badgelor had left Windfall.  The ship couldn’t actually be that far from town.  I assumed we were a day or two away, at most.  Then, I noticed my notifications for the first time. 

I tended to ignore those.  Most were just daily reports from Mar and of very little importance.  Generally, the higher priority notices flashed in my vision.  There had been no flashing; thus, there had been no reading.  I had steadfastly ignored all seven notifications. 

“Hansa, do you know where we are?” I asked.

“We are located on the western side of the Inner Sea, in the Thousand Islands,” stated Hansa.  I remembered the map in the barracks.  Directly south of Windfall was a large sea that was full of small islands.  The islands were several days’ worth of sailing south from Windfall, though.

“How long have you been at sea?” I asked.

“About a week, I zink.  I will have to zink about it.  Everyzing kind of runs togeteer.  It iz tres boring,” replied Rose.  My eyes shot open.  Badgelor and the Baldwin had left Windfall at about the same time, maybe a day apart.  That meant that they should have been at sea for three or four days, tops. 

“Shart, how long did that teleport take?” I asked.

“What do you mean?  Teleportation is instantaneous,” replied the demon, tucked away somewhere safe on Julia’s person.

“I checked my daily notifications before we went to the temple.  Now, I have seven of them,” I replied.  I had been out of it for one whole day.  I should only have one of the stupid things. 

“Let me check,” stated Shart, suddenly concerned.  “Oh, no, the timestamp is for six days after I was summoned.”

“How did we lose six days?” I yelled out loud.

“What do you mean ‘lose six days’?” asked Julia, who was staring into the doorway.  Her brow scrunched up, and her face went pale.  “The Elder Demon!  He was leaking everywhere!  He must have caused it.”

Twinkle looked at his own status sheet, but he was pretty ambivalent about the results. Finally, he said, “Well, that explains all the notifications.  Do you think it had something to do with that Dungeon Core?”

“It was the Dungeon Core,” Shart grumbled.  “Julia is calling me.  I’ll tell her it wasn’t my fault.  The Dungeon Core exploding inside the Fast Lanes screwed up teleportation in general.”

Julia adopted the look of someone checking a detailed series of menus.  Well, at least I had associated that look with someone digging through their menus.  Finally, she pulled back.  “It was definitely him.  He’s lying about it right now.”

“I thought demons couldn’t lie,” I responded, like an idiot.

Julia and Twinkle both looked at me for a moment.  Then, they simultaneously busted out in hysterical laughter.  Twinkle recovered first.  “Kevin is the Prince of Untruths!  He can only tell lies.  I mean, unless you are bonded to him.”

“Now, he’s telling me that Jim was bonded to him, and that we can trust him,” stated Julia.  Both laughed again.

In their defense, if Shart had bonded to me at full power, I’d have been more or less a slave to his whims.  Unfortunately for the little zit, he had lost most of his power shortly after arriving in the flesh on Ordinal.  It had allowed me to keep him under my thumb until he’d decided to cooperate with me. 

I knew when to avoid a fight, and this one wasn’t one I could win.  I gestured toward the doorway.  “It doesn’t matter how we lost six days.  We lost six days.”

Julia considered that and nodded.  “I’ve spent time less wisely than that.”

“Six days barely registers to an elf,” replied Twinkle. 

We started to walk into the cache together, but I held out a hand and sniffed several times.  There were no nearby enemies that two well-equipped young women couldn’t handle for a brief time.  It couldn’t possibly take us long to nip in and out of the magically protected room.

“Let us check for traps first,” I said, causing Rose and Hansa to stop outside the entrance.  For once, they both nodded and positioned themselves to watch the clearing.  Badgelor considered for a moment but decided to stay on my shoulder.   

“Traps,” scoffed Julia, walking into the cache, “They’d have to have big brass shakers to pull something like that here.”

I heard a wire snap before anyone else had time to react.  The next moment, I had my whip out and around Twinkle and Julia.  I yanked both of them out of the way of the collapsing floor, not giving gravity a chance to exert itself. 

That left the log from behind to impact me. 

●   You have suffered 192 points of Piercing, Bludgeoning, and Slashing Damage from ‘heavy log’.  You are sent flying 6 logs.

I zipped past the shocked duo I had just saved and flew into a pit.  The fall I wasn’t so concerned with.  The sharp spikes at the bottom of the pit were a bit more perplexing.  Before I had a chance to react, Badgelor expanded to his full, Ultimate Form and positioned himself beneath me. He shot his paws out in all directions, slowing our movement down the hole.  Our descent was so affected that the spikes caused no real damage. 

Unfortunately for Twinkle and Julia, they had decided to try to stop my fall by pulling on the whip.  If they were just lifting me, it shouldn’t have been much of an issue.  Trying to do the same to massive Badgelor was an entirely different story. 

Both of them were yanked into the hole after me.  Luckily, with nowhere else to go, they also landed on Badgelor. 

“Well, that didn’t go as planned,” stated Julia, as she looked into my eyes.  She had fallen nearly face-first into me.  Only my last second grab had prevented her from headbutting me with extreme prejudice. 

I didn’t respond, because I couldn’t.  Twinkle had also come down headfirst and had managed to knock himself out.  My codpiece was dented from where the elf’s forehead had hit it.

Then, the massive stone door to the chamber slammed shut, cutting off all light from the outside. 

Chapter 9 - The Cold Dark Room

Julia was sitting in the corner, looking even more pissed than usual.  Twinkle, who’s perfect skin had been terribly blemished by a gigantic bruise, was inconsolable.  The cache was empty, and the stone door was magically resistant. 

“I hate this,” I muttered, slamming my fist into the door again.  My Stamina depleted as I cracked all the bones in my hand.  As soon as I finished, Badgelor leapt back up and started clawing at the magically hardened stone. 

“Buck up, Buttercup,” grumbled the Zealot.  She cast Restore Stamina, Heal Injuries, and Heal Damage on me in rapid succession. 

“About five more hits,” said Shart.  Badgelor kept digging.

“I’m tearing out my claws here,” grumbled Badgelor.

“If you stop, it's going to take longer.  You two are pulling about sixty/forty here,” stated the demon. 

“I’m not stopping.  We need to get to Hansa and Rose,” grumbled Badgelor, digging faster.  Jagged shards of stone clattered behind him in an endless pile.  Twinkle scowled but continued to snatch up the stones and fling them into the pit behind him.

“Just like pulling chestnuts out of a roasting fire,” he grumbled. 

“What did we need in this cache?” I asked, panting.  My One Punch perk depleted all my Stamina, and this was the third time I’d used it. 

Julia glared at the bench in front of her and ignored me. 

“I said, ‘What did we need in this cache?’”

Julia continued to steadfastly ignore me.  The cache had been completely cleared out.  I couldn’t even venture a guess as to what might have once been there.  The princess had considered it important, though.  That meant...

“What did the Mayor need in that cache?” I asked.

Julia’s eyes raised up at me for a moment.  Then, she got control over herself.  “Fecking Remort.”

“Did you think you could hide that from me?” I bluffed.  I figured it was even odds Grebthar or the Dark Overlord, which was ironic let me tell you, but based on her attitude I got a not-Dark Overlord vibe. 

“Actually, yes,” she replied, looking at me fully.  “Apparently, I was wrong.  So, what do you know about the Mayor?”

“He’s supposed to defeat the Dark Overlord.”

“Everyone knows that,” said Julia, calming down. 

If she got back on balance, I wasn’t going to get anything out of her.  “He’s a Remort.”

Julia nodded and said nothing.

“He’s incredibly handsome and has piercing blue eyes,” I said, remembering Grebthar’s bottomless blue gaze. 

Julia started to turn away from me.

“He’s not from Ordinal,” I said, dropping my bombshell.  Julia turned back to face me, wide-eyed.  Twinkle spotted her expression and grinned.  Watching us both argue was like a cat finding cream.

“That is not widely known,” she said finally. 

“His real name is Charles,” I continued, causing Julia’s eyes to go even wider.  She glanced over at Twinkle. 

“Perhaps you should keep your secrets a bit more secret,” she ventured.

“I can keep going, or you can tell me what we’re looking for,” I retorted.

“The Mayor left a series of items designed to help him rule the world.  They were the so-called Treasures of Rule,” stated Julia.

“Oh, God, were there thirteen of them?” I asked.

“Originally, maybe, but several of them were cast into the darkest waters by pirates,” stated Julia.  “Presently, only eight remain.”

“And one of them was here?” I asked, looking around. 

“Yes,” said Julia.  “We just happened to be nearby.  I thought that since I know the access codes, it would be a good idea to stop by and get it.  I could keep it safe for the Mayor.”

“Seems a bit lucky that we were this close,” I remarked.

“Not really,” said Julia, looking around again.  “This island is quite strategically placed.  It was nearly a given that we’d sail by while heading to our destination.”

“It wasn’t broken into until recently?” I asked.  Julia gave me a flat stare and glanced over at the wall of stone.  Shart had used Demonic Magic to find its weakest point.  He’d relayed that information to Ultimate Badgelor, who shrank down to his War form.  His War claws would more easily fit into the stone’s cracks, carving through them as if they were made of slate.  The badger stayed at it for fifteen minutes, unaided.  Then, I got called in to use my massive Stamina pool, coupled with the One Punch perk, to pound on very specific sections of the wall.  Given that my One Punch perk doubled my Damage against solid objects, that stone was almost impervious to damage. 

That was from the inside.  Coming in from the outside would have been far more challenging. 

“The door is locked to all but members of the Royal Family.  If any of us took the item, it would be a war,” said Julia.  More quietly, she added, “An off camera one.”

I considered that.  “So, assassins?”

Julia looked angrily at me for a moment, before nodding sharply.  “Yes, the problem would have ended quietly, and the Ring would have been restored.  That would be my fate, as well, except I was planning on giving the item to the Mayor.”

“Why not just use it yourself?” I asked, studying her.  “You seem capable enough.”

“Being capable enough is not what you need to be the Mayor of Windfall,” retorted Julia sternly.  “The Mayor is the stuff of legends.”

“Certainly, anyone could look deep inside themselves, screw their courage to the sticking place, and do what the Mayor is supposed to do?” I questioned.

Julia pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned.  “Of course, you are a romantic.  You would think that.  You would be wrong.  Most people can’t do it.”

“Yes, they can!” I said, stirring from my forced lethargy.  “If they believe in themselves and try hard, anyone can Remort and fight the Dark Overlord.”

Julia looked at me and shook her head.  “No, they can’t.  It takes a combination of classes, skills, and the right traits to even have a shot.  The power of the Royal House is legendary, literally.  We ALL have a legendary trait.  It was passed down in our bloodline from Leia to me.  It’s still not enough.” 

“That sounds a bit pretentious,” I said.

“You realize that, at any point during any of our interactions, I could instantly crush you, utterly and completely,” said Julia, with a sort of absolute certainty that you felt in your bones.  “My family’s power is unquestioned.  The greatest of us was one of Grebthar’s companions.  I have the same power.  You are just fortunate that we are trained only to use it if the fate of the Falconian Union is in peril.”

“So, you being collared wasn’t enough,” I goaded. 

“I’m not so selfish, no threat to my individual person is worthy of using it,” stated Julia confidently. 

“Seems kind of useless then, all that power and nothing to do with it,” I replied. 

“You can have the biggest sword in the world, but it still won’t make wine,” stated Julia.  So, her trait was the wrong tool for the job.  Good to know.  Still, I wondered what Julia’s talent could achieve.

“How many times can you use it?” I asked.

Julia watched me evenly.  She was not going to answer that question. 

“Leia measured herself against the Mayor?” I asked, changing course.  I was genuinely curious.

“And she came up short.  She tried to fight against the Dark Overlord and was defeated.  She would have died, had she not been rescued by the Mayor of Windfall.  He proceeded to defeat the Dark Overlord, a feat she had failed at,” stated Julia.  “Provincials may think the stories about the Mayor are just legend, but they are very much real.  The Royal House knows our power, but we also know our limitations.”

“No one can defeat the Dark Overlord except for Grebthar,” I stated.

“No one but the Mayor can.  That was foretold,” stated Julia.  “The stories tell that he will descend from the heavens like a comet.  I’ve seen the comet.  The Mayor is coming.  The Mayor is going to need this ring.”

“Why doesn’t the Royal Family just have all the treasures all the time?” I asked.

“We have some of them, and so do the provincials,” grumbled Julia.

“The hammer and the sword?” I asked, remembering the Kingdom tier weapons of HarCharles and TimSimons. 

“Those are two of them,” responded Julia, settling into her lecture.  “My family has three of the items, the Orb of Walker, the Rod of Rulership, and the Staff of Power.”

“That leaves three that are elsewhere,” I said.  “Why did you put one of them here?”

“The Royal House is all about balance.  Each of the major branches have one of the treasures,” explained Julia.  “There were more major branches in the past, and we didn’t want one branch to have more treasures than the others.  It made sense to hide two of them.”

“What are the other three?” I asked.

“The Ring of Protection, the Orb of Annihilation, and the Crown of Windfall,” said Julia.  “The Ring is considered the weakest of all the treasures, the Orb is the most powerful, and the Crown is...missing.”

“You’d think that they would all be equal in power,” I said. 

“Why would you think that?” asked Julia, tapping her midsection.  “I have the Orb of Walker, which can contain any magical being, no matter how powerful.  Alternatively, it can hold a swarm of lesser monsters.  I could use this to hold a dragon, an Elder Demon, or a small army of goblins.  It perfectly traps them forever.”

Shart coughed.

“Honestly, I'm surprised it's not a bag,” I said.

“Sure, the proper name is the Bolgers Anachronistic Geomancer of Holding, but everyone just calls it the Walker’s Orb,” said Julia, tapping it again.  “It was made by the Walker of Siers and Grebthar.  The rest of the set was made by exclusively by Grebthar.”

“Could you use it on a god?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied confidently.  “The orb works by using the target’s own magic to contain it.  That means that it could bind a god.”

“Even Grebthar?” I asked, realizing the solution to my problem was sitting right in front of me.  Bag of Holding into Sphere of Annihilation for the win.

“No, don’t be a Dum Dum,” answered Julia.  “Grebthar made sure no weapon he personally enchanted like the Walker’s Orb would work on him.”

“Dum Dum?” I whispered hoarsely.

“I... I don’t know where that came from,” said Julia, pausing.  “It just seems that, right now, you should be called a Dum Dum.”

So, it doesn’t perfectly block Shart’s powers.  Also, Shart is a jerk.

“I’m guessing the ring was supposed to be here?” I asked.

“Yes, the Orb of Annihilation was taken by one of the oldest kings and hidden,” said Julia.  “While that one is not technically lost, no one knows where it is.”

“I thought the crown was eaten by a dragon,” I stated.  Twinkle gave me a side-eye but said nothing. 

“Yes,” replied Julia.  “It is lost forever.”

“So, there are really only six remaining treasures,” I said. 

“I’m not getting into this debate with you,” responded Julia, shaking her head.  “They are called the eight treasures, but only six of them are available.”

“If the Ring of Protection is missing, who took it?” I wondered, getting no response.

Chapter 10 – Seadogs

Glorious Robert grunted and held up his hand in a “bring it on” gesture.  The quartermaster was less than amused.

“We’ll need to replace at least four beams.  Those fires did a number below decks,” the quartermaster said conversationally.  “Additionally, it looks like someone was beating one of the beams with a sack of oranges.”  Glorious Robert tried not to wince.  They had been well-stocked for anything he’d expected to see, but he had not armed the Baldwin for heavy combat against pirates.  He had also not been prepared for someone to raid the ships stores to bang on a structural beam with fruit.  If he found out who was wasting his oranges, there would be hell to pay.

Check that.  It was probably Jim.  

“Keep going.  This island isn’t even on the maps, so I doubt anyone else will be coming here,” stated the fisherman.  The Thousand Islands were a bit of a misnomer.  There were actually 992.  Well, 993, if you counted the one whose harbor the Baldwin currently occupied.  That left Glorious Robert wondering if there actually were a thousand islands or more. 

The issue with the islands was that, even with a map, a ship could still end up screwed.  If you lost your bearing even a bit, you couldn’t be absolutely positive where you were.  The Cartography skill used landmarks to lock in positions on a map.   Out at sea, there were far fewer landmarks to fix a position with.  Each island looked pretty much the same, unless you really studied them.  Glorious Robert had never been inclined to do so.

In fact, an island with a large peak in the middle was about as descriptive as you could get out here. If the Fisherman was looking to hide something important, this is exactly where he’d do it.  With that in mind, Glorious Robert marked the location down for the future.

“Ahem,” coughed the quartermaster.

Glorious Robert nodded for the man to continue.    

“We’ll need to move some of the stores to the deck,” continued the quartermaster, flipping through his ledger. 

“Are you going to complain about the diving bell again?” Glorious Robert asked.

“No, I’ve learned that all the reasons that it's here just make me angry,” replied the other man, as the massive object was plopped unceremoniously onto the deck. 

“Mount it up,” stated the captain, and several crew members began to attach the bell to its harness. 

The quartermaster inhaled to begin another tirade but paused.  “That would at least clear some deck space.”

“See, everything is looking up,” replied the Basstowner. 

***

“Well, what do we have here?” questioned the Queen of the Inner Sea.  She snapped her extremely expensive, long-range thingadoo closed and reached up to scratch her pet monkey.  “I thought that ship escaped.”

Stormwind grunted.  He was still picking the occasional splinter out of his perfectly tanned hide.  “Apparently, they also knew to come here.  That pretty much confirms that a member of the royal family is on board.”

“This place is mine,” stated the queen, idly flicking the cold metal of her monkey’s collar.  “I certainly paid enough to learn the combination.”  Unfortunately for her, the assholes had changed the code before she got there. 

“They must be after it as well,” stated Stormwind.  “There were four adventurers on that boat.”

“But are they onboard now?” asked the queen, sending a command to her rookery.  “Prepare for a full shipping strike.”

Chapter 11 - Out of the Fire and into the Ocean

I pulled back my shattered hand for more healing.  Shart started tapping his magical microphone.  “Is this thing on?  Good, okay, I have an idea!”

“Your ideas are terrible,” I said.

“I’m trying my best,” Shart replied, sounding hurt.

“How do I know that?  You can lie to me now,” I responded.

“That’s mean, Dum Dum,” said Shart.  “Look, I understand we got off to a rocky start, but I’ve been nothing but honest with you from the get-go.”

“Because you had to be,” I retorted.  “Now, you don’t.”

“Now you know all my secrets!  It's not like lying all of a sudden would do me any good,” replied the demon.  It felt true enough. 

“Fine,” I said, “but it would be stupid of me to fully trust you anymore.”

“Did you ever?” asked Shart.

“Point,” I replied.

“In any case, I should be able to read the harmonics off those items to figure out where the crown is,” said Shart.  “It should be powerful enough that not even a dragon could digest it.”

“He was gnawing on it pretty well when I last saw him,” stated Badgelor.

“The crown is an artifact.  Even if it was broken, the parts should be able to be reassembled easily enough,” stated the demon.  

“Why do I need the crown?” I asked.  “It’s just one of eight, more likely six, treasures.”

“It's the most important one!  It links up with the rest of the set.  If you control the Crown of Windfall, you can control all the other Treasures of Rule.  Then, you can get me out of this orb,” stated Shart. 

“Could you find it if I Remorted and got you back to the tower?” I asked.

“Probably not.  Charles knew how we look for things.  He would have made efforts to disguise it.  If someone had the mindset to hide an object like the crown, it wouldn’t be hard to do,” stated Shart.  “Not that it matters.  I’m not bonded to you.  If you Remort, I’ll stay right here.”

“Of course,” I sighed, glancing over at Julia.  “I mean, I could just steal the orb.”

“It wouldn’t matter.  You need to be attuned to it.  As soon as she figured out it was missing, she could summon it right back.  She would only need to get close to it again,” stated Shart, pausing.  “The only way to get her to unattune from the orb is to do something that you won’t do.” 

“Kill her?” I thought, getting the general vibe of agreement from the demon.  “So, I need the crown to free you.”

“If you were somewhat charismatic, I’d say just talk her into handing it over.  After all, she is holding it for the big, bad Mayor of Windfall,” said Shart.  “However, it's you, Dum Dum.  We are going to have to find the crown.”

“Well, since you put it that way,” I said, considering it.  “You do realize that, had you put in a modicum of effort while you were in the tower, I’d already have the crown.  We’d be murdering Charles in cold blood at this very moment.”

“Hardly.  If I planned for everything that could possibly go wrong, I’d be doing nothing but planning,” replied Shart.  “Feck, just keeping the planet spinning is a chore.”

Julia pulled away from me, my hand fusing back together.  I grumbled before looking her in the eyes.  “Alright, I’ll help you find the treasures.”

“I know you will,” replied the princess, shocked.  “I didn’t ask for your help, remember?  I told you that you were doing this with me.”

Julia was a bit too used to getting her own way all the time.  I knew that was from her royal upbringing.  The only one who could challenge her power was her recently deceased father.  I loathed to think of what would happen to Julia if she ever suddenly lost that claim to power.

“What about you, Twinkle? I asked.

“Well, seeing as we are both stuck in this dreary crypt…sure,” replied the elf sardonically. “Glad to help, buddy.”

“Don’t your people need that cure?” I asked, once I was certain that Julia had gone back to her own thoughts.

“We are elves.  It takes a while for my people to suffer the terrible, unspeakable effects of the disease,” stated Twinkle solemnly. 

That meant it was going to take longer to get back to Fenris, but I supposed it couldn’t be helped.  The town’s new Healer was supposed to be helping him.  All he had to do was hold on until Julia could get there.  Even if she wasn’t specialized in Healing, it was entirely possible that I’d be able to assist Fenris with my own level ups. 

“Badger Digging Sense activating,” yelled Badgelor.  Unsurprisingly, that was a perk of his.  Without any further warning, he began yanking large rocks from the wall.  “Jim, here.”

I walked to the wall and spotted our lucky break.  Shart’s suppositions on how long this task was going to take had been based on the wall being solid.  Shart had chosen the section of wall he thought was thinnest, and Badgelor had chosen the point where he felt the wall was weakest.  Both had been right.  There was a fracture in the stone, allowing Badgelor to pull out large chunks of rock at a time. 

More importantly, it allowed me to use my One Punch on it.  I threw all my Stamina into the blow, striking right where Badgelor had directed.  My fist buried itself nearly a foot into the wall, causing the entire structure to shift.  For an instant, I was afraid that it was going to crush my arm, but Badgelor leapt between me and the wall.  As he jumped, he expanded to his Ultimate form.

I had never touched him while he transformed before, and I was not planning on ever doing it again.  His flesh felt unnatural, almost like wax that was hardening as it cooled.  The effect worked, however.  Using Mitigate, I was able to pull my hand free from the wall with only serious complications.  Julia cast a powerful Treat Injury on me, as Badgelor shrank back down and began attacking the stone again. 

Occasionally, new beams of light could be seen coming through the wall.  Then, all of a sudden, Badgelor fell through.  Twinkle vanished a moment later, even as Julia threw a barrier into the hole, strengthening it. 

“After you,” I said, gesturing toward the dog-sized hole. 

“You just want to check out my ass,” grinned Julia.  She was much calmer now that she wasn’t trapped forever. 

“Well...” I began, but she was already on her hands and knees, crawling out.  It was a very nice ass. 

I crawled out a moment later, finding Julia and Twinkle on the other side.  Twinkle had a massive, red handprint over his bruised cheek. 

“Julia came out before me,” I said.

“I realize that...now,” replied Twinkle, working his increasingly marred face.  “Man, that stings way more than it has any reason to.”

“Glomping someone without their consent is bad, Twinkle,” I said.  The elf frowned but nodded. 

Swallowing, I glanced around and noticed that Hansa and Rose were not present.  A moment later, I realized that Badgelor was also unaccounted for. 

“Where are the girls?” I asked, causing Julia to scan the area.  She, in turn, rounded on the elf.  “You got out first.  Where did Badgelor go?”

“I wasn’t paying attention,” answered Twinkle.  The elf looked dejected.  “I’m not even sure I saw him.” 

“Watch my back.  I’ll find his tracks,” I said.  Twinkle happily agreed.  It didn’t take long for me to realize that we had a problem.  “There are a bunch of new footprints here.  I think there was a fight.  Hansa and Rose went in that direction.”

I gestured to an obviously Badgelor-sized hole in the tree line.  It led to the opposite side of the island.  I sent out a mental ping to my badger and received furious anger in return.  When Badgelor went into beast mode, he was impossible to communicate with.  I could generally sense where the badger was, but, when I was this close to him and he was this angry, that sense became muddled. 

“This way,” I yelled, rushing into the forest.  The island wasn’t overly large.  I didn’t see how anyone could have hidden from us.  I got my answer moments later, as I came to an abrupt stop at the edge of a short cliff.

Twinkle dashed past me, only to use Aerial Control to flip himself back onto the ledge.  Julia was heading for the same fate, but I stuck out my arm and arrested her forward motion. 

“You are wearing metal armor, so I’m going to let that slide,” she sighed.  I glanced over at her.  Her normal, olive complexion was beet red.  I removed my arm from her girls and searched the horizon.

“There isn’t a ship here,” I finally stated. 

“I don’t see how they could have gotten a longboat landed on this side of the island, either,” said Twinkle.  We were staring down at mostly rock.  I was looking more for smashed bits of a boat than anything intact.  Not that it mattered; I wasn’t finding either. 

“Look at that mark,” said Julia, gesturing toward a blistered slash in the cliff face.   I’d seen that mark in stone recently, back in the Ruined Temple. 

“Badgelor blasted that,” I growled, looking down at the ocean.  “Based on the mark’s trajectory, he was almost at the water line when he did it.”

“Well, that’s a bit of a drop.  I think we should figure out a way to get down safely,” stated Twinkle.  By then, I’d already jumped.

Chapter 12 - Loraine’s World

Captain General of the Windfallian Army Lorraine rode at the head of her column, her fellow Captain General riding next to her.  They were in the very heart of Wine Country.  They were currently marching down the Silverado, toward the Eastern Gate Fortress. 

Calmly, she sorted through her thoughts.  Sure, it was just like Season 5, Episode 7, but she was the leader of the force.  She could not break her stoic demeanor, no matter how unbelievably cool it was. 

“We are going to have to sort out the stragglers again soon,” stated Nick, as they continued toward Windfall.  The army’s trail had started out with a handful of pilgrims, but it had rapidly expanded. 

After all, it was every Falconian’s duty to support the Mayor, and his Captain Generals were marching to him.  Each soldier behind her had their own part to play in the coming battle, as did she.

The endless march down the valley was a simple logistical chore, as far as marching armies went.  Every city down the Silverado had been offering up supplies to the newest branch of the Army of Windfall, as was proper. 

Occasionally, they would even run into a party of adventurers.

“Blarth Kirby Colby and her crew are posing over there,” pointed Nick, as they continued to ride.  Lorraine nodded and spurred her mount.  Both Captain Generals moved forward to see the adventurers.  They were not quite posing, but it was a close thing.  There were forms to be maintained, after all.  Ancient rites needed to be performed. 

Nick coughed, clearing his throat.  Lorraine felt a little bad for him.  The male royal dialect was even more challenging than the female version.  She hoped he would triumph over it. 

“Like, are you totally adventurers or something?” yelled Lorraine.

“To the max,” replied Blarth, who was nearly buzzing.  “Like, do you need some help or something?”

“Yes, strange things are afoot in Windfall,” yelled Nick, his left fist clenched to his chest and his right hand extended to the heavens, as was proper.  “We seek to do battle with the most grody and help out the most excellent of dudes.”

“Which dude?” asked Blarth.

“The most triumphant Mayor of Windfall,” replied Nick.  “It would be most excellent if you would join us!”

Each of the adventurers nodded solemnly to the others.  The rite had not been invoked for centuries.  Yet, they were called and had but one answer. 

“Party on, Lorraine?” asked Kirby

“Party on, Blarth,” replied Lorraine, the formal words adding another five adventurers to the Army of Windfall. 

Chapter 13 - Under the Sea

I was going to mark Cliff Diving off as overrated, even if I did learn the Cliff Diving skill.  Thankfully, I had gotten out just far enough that I missed the underlying shelf of stone.  It was an uncomfortably close call, but, when it came to concussions, you either had one or you didn’t.  I didn’t. 

Opening my eyes underwater didn’t bother me.  I glanced around and spotted all forms of fish and other aquatic life.  Plus, I also saw a merman.  He was just floating there with his thumb up his ass. 

That made this much easier.  I started swimming toward him, promptly discovering that, even with my Swimming skill, I was no match for a native swimmer.  He bolted, heading toward the spot where I assumed they’d taken the girls and my badger. 

“Shart,” I mentally called.  I got nothing but static.  He was too far away, and Badgelor wasn’t able to respond at all.  I was completely alone, and that was kind of odd. 

Grumbling, I went up for air and checked on my Breathing skill.  It was up to Initiate, which granted me an extra two minutes of holding my breath.  That was going to have to do. 

“So, your plan is to swim down into Merland to save the girls?” asked Twinkle, who was standing on the water.

“Are you planning on coming with me?” I asked.

“Hardly!  Sea water is hell on my hair,” stated the elf. 

“I’m surprised Julia didn’t jump in after me,” I said.

“She said ‘Never again, after the waterfall,’ whatever that means,” replied Twinkle.

Fair enough.

I sent Twinkle a party invite.  I hadn’t set up a party for the entirely mundane trip to the crypt because the interface was slightly annoying.  If you didn’t expect combat, it really wasn’t worth the effort.  Plus, Julia hated to party up unless there was a more comprehensive reason than “I had a bad feeling about it.”  Parties shared Experience Points, so, while Julia was doing her fancy stuff with the lock, she hadn’t wanted to share all those sweet, sweet points with the rest of us. 

That was a bit of a cultural thing that took some getting used to.  I had expected parties to be the norm, but, in reality, everyone generally wanted to earn their own individual Experience Points whenever possible.  They would group up for a cause, like a dungeon or a goblin stronghold, but, if there was any opportunity to earn individual bonus Experience Points, the average adventurer would jump on it. 

I sunk back into the depths.  Holding your breath on Ordinal was bizarre.  Shart had tried to explain it to me once, and my Mystical Lore really elaborated on the process.  To an Earthling, it was pure unalloyed nonsense.  Basically, you didn’t actually breathe ‘air’ on Ordinal.  Your body respirated native Life Mana that did the exact same job as oxygen.  It was easier to just think of it like breathing instead of circulating and recirculating Mana in some circle of Mana nonsense, as Shart had explained to me at a none too calm decimal, using increasingly frustrated sighs and swears.

If I didn’t need to breathe, why did I have the Breathing skill?  Because my Earth brain translated the Ordinalese concept of Respiration to Breathing.  The crux of that problem was that I could go only so long without actually absorbing Mana into my lungs.  If I went too long, I started to die from a lack of Life Mana, not a lack of oxygen. 

Which is why I cast Regenerate on myself as I dove under the water.  That magic filled me with a bit of Life Mana and allowed me to swim just a little deeper.  What I really needed was to get Breathing up to Journeyman.  Then, I could grab a perk that allowed me to directly process Mana.  At that point, I could “hold my breath” until my Mana ran out. 

I considered all this while swimming through the surprisingly warm waters of the Inner Sea.  I was attempting to use my Tracking skill to figure out where anyone was.  It was not going well.  Almost immediately after the island, the water got much deeper in a hurry.  Thankfully, it wasn’t quite so deep that light wasn’t able to shine through it.  That would have made searching for targets nearly impossible. 

I was beginning to grow concerned when I finally spotted something that gave me hope.  Nestled in a large crack underneath the waves, I found a smallish city.  It was built out of orange coral, its borders reminding me of stringy pumpkin guts.  This discovery occurred at roughly the same time that the small city full of merpeople found me.  They sounded a horn that caused my bones to vibrate and my ears to ring.  Instantly, dozens of merpeople formed into a line.  Most were armed with tridents, and all began swimming straight toward me. 

I floated toward the sea floor, figuring that allowing them to attack me from every single angle was a recipe for disaster.  They quickly surrounded me and began thrusting their tridents.  Given the circumstances, I assumed the noises they were making were meant to sound threatening.  To my underwater, human ears, all I heard were noises that resembled dolphins. 

After a minute, they all apparently decided I was not going to swim to the surface to breathe.  The circle they had formed around me grew tighter.  I gripped the hilt of my sword.  I was going to have to fight them off without killing anyone, and that was going to be tricky.  There were too many of them in too close a range.  Just before they got near enough to poke me, I heard another dolphin sound.  A dark-haired man swam up to the mermob at top speed. 

I assumed they had some sort of animated conversation.  I simply looked at the various guards and shrugged.  My air supply was running low, and I didn’t fancy the swim up.  I was going to need air sooner rather than later, but, just as I was about to get off the proverbial pot, the dark-haired man swam over to me.  His hands were spread in what I could tell was a non-threatening gesture. 

He pulled out a vial stoppered with green coral and floated it over to me.  As it bobbed closer, I saw it was actually a squeeze bladder. I put it to my lips and squirted the contents into my mouth.  Instantly, my body felt refreshed and not like I was about to drown. 

I attempted to speak but, of course, nothing came out.  I could now breathe underwater, but I couldn’t talk. That would have been too much to hope for.  The lead merman started gesturing toward one of the larger buildings that resembled a castle, and I began swimming behind him. 

This was shaping up to be one of my stranger days on Ordinal.

The castle was a bright pink color, covered in a variety of shells.  I assumed they were both decorative and fancy.  It looked like a pink, Pepto Bismol abomination to me, but my wife always said I wouldn’t know culture if it bit me.  We swam right through the main gate and up into a greeting chamber, blissfully bereft of water. 

There, I found Hansa and Rose sitting in the corner, eating sushi.  Rose was nibbling on her food and glancing around.  Her brow was furrowed, and I could tell she was concerned.  I didn’t blame her.  She was a prisoner in a strange land.  Hansa, on the other hand, was looking around in wide-eyed amazement. 

“I believe this man may be searching for you,” said the merman, in mostly normal, Ordinal language. 

Hansa grew still for a moment as he spoke.  Rose stood and walked over to me.  “Merci Grebthar!” she exclaimed.  “Jim, you have come to zave uz.”

“This was all a misunderstanding,” said Hansa, peeking around her sister. 

“Yes, we thought you were with the other group that attacked the ancient temple,” stated Andersen, the merman. 

“They ransacked it?” I asked, grateful for the lack of water and the ability to speak.

“Not to my knowledge.  The ancient temple has been under the protection of my people for generations,” Andersen replied. 

“Okay, well that’s nice and all.  I’ll just be taking the girls and leaving now,” I stated.

“No,” responded Andersen.

“Why no?” I asked, growing a wee bit weary.  “Why can’t I take the girls back?”

“We have been promized az bridez to de princez,” stated Rose sullenly.

“Princes?” I questioned.

“Oui,” she replied.  I could instantly tell Andersen was one of the princes in question.  I was also fairly convinced that Hansa was the one who got him.  The red-haired girl shyly looked up at him from behind her sister.  I wondered where unknown prince number two was hiding.

Sizing Andersen up, I realized that taking him down wouldn’t be much of a challenge.  Every bit of the way he carried himself screamed professional, not adventurer.  I’d easily break him in half, a fact he must have known.  He caught my glance but refused to hold my stare.

“I apologize for our custom, but my brother is insistent,” stated Andersen.

“Your custom is to take young women as brides against their will?” I asked.

“No, it is our custom to demand that monsters who maim and injure our people are put to death.  However, these young women have offered their lives in exchange for his,” stated Andersen.  “I negotiated the trade with my father.” 

“Monster?” I asked, suddenly having a very bad feeling.  There was only one “monster” I could think of that Hansa and Rose would sacrifice anything for.  Dreading the answer, I asked, “Where is my badger?”

“That’s a bit more complicated,” answered Andersen. 

Chapter 14 - Badgelor in Distress

“How many pufferfish did you use?” I asked, looking at the multiple piles next to Badgelor. 

“For his size, six should have been enough to incapacitate him.  We brought him here afterward,” stated Andersen.  I glanced around the table.  There must have been dozens of spent pufferfish. 

“How many?” I ground out.

“All of them,” stated Andersen.  “We used all of them.  We used every single one we could get a hold of.  We were going out deeper for more, but he finally passed out.”  Seeing my judgmental stare, he continued to explain, “My brother lost a hand!  He was ready to slay him as soon as the monster was unconscious.”

I pulled back Badgelor’s eyelid and examined him.  With my Treatment skill, I could tell he was just unconscious and would recover.  Andersen didn’t give me enough time to determine how long that might take. 

“Badgelor came down here to save you.  He ended up fighting with the merpeople, and then they poisoned him?” I asked Rose.  She nodded. 

“Then, ze brute came and zaid he would gut Badgelor.  I could not permit it, zo I offered to exchange my life for hiz,” Rose said proudly.  Then, she deflated.  “He zaid he would not kill me.  He would marry me inztead.”

“Well, Badgelor thanks you,” I said, looking around.  “I’m sure we can talk our way out of this.”

“We can?” asked Hansa cautiously.  She looked almost disappointed.  I wasn’t sure if it was that she actually liked the boy, or if it was infatuation with all the obvious engineering contraptions everywhere.

“What’s up with all the machines?” I asked, as the bed holding Badgelor lowered to the ground.

“Oh, here under the sea we pride ourselves on our mechanical devices,” said Andersen.  “I’m a bit of an Engineer myself.”  Andersen was a good-looking boy and a prince of a mechanized kingdom.  It wasn’t hard to predict what Hansa would think of all this. 

“Well, I need to wait for Badgelor to regain consciousness,” I began, looking at Andersen.  “Is there a meeting with the king that I can get in on or something?”

“My father will meet with you later this very day,” stated Andersen, glancing over at Hansa.

“Do you have a workshop?” I asked.

“Yes, it is just over there,” replied the young man proudly.  Hansa’s eyes grew wider.

“Please show Hansa, before she explodes,” I said.  Andersen looked over at Hansa, but she was already attempting to drag him toward the workshop.  It was obvious that she loved this undersea kingdom.  Then again, she loved just about everything.  Rose and I sat on an ornately carved bench near the center of the room. 

After they left, Rose looked at me.  “Iz dis a wize idea?”

“You traded your lives for Badgelor.  The King might still try to take you up on that offer.  I don’t see your deaths being on the table if Hansa has her hooks in Andersen,” I answered.

Rose appraised me for a moment.  “Well, father waz wrong.  You are not zee zlow tinker, not are you soft.  Not many people would zacrifice their bezt friend'z daughterz’ virtue like that.”

“If he finds out he’s going to be upset,” I said.

“I will not tell him if you don’t,” stated Rose, watching Hansa delight in Andersen’s workshop. 

The door to the guest wing of the palace suddenly slammed open, letting in a thick splash of water.  A massively well-muscled man with a hook for a hand stomped into the chamber.  Rose stood up instantly.  I remained seated and watched him.

“So, you are the misbegotten fool who released this vile demon upon our people,” stated the much larger man as he stomped toward me.  When I didn’t stand, he ground his teeth. 

“And who might you be?”  I asked, flat out ignoring the fact that his title was right over his head.  I was just trying to be a bit of a dick.  I doubted very much that we would ever see eye to eye on anything. 

“I am Arnold, first prince of this kingdom.  I see that you have been toying with my baby brother. You'll find that I am a much more challenging opponent,” he sneered. 

“Are we fighting?” I asked. 

“Your War Badger charged into our midst unprovoked and attacked a great many of my people,” spat Arnold. 

“But he didn’t kill anyone.  If he had, I have total faith that you’d be complaining about it,” I responded. 

“Many of them lost limbs in the fight,” replied Arnold.

“We can fix that,” I said.

“So can we!  That is not the point,” replied the massive merman.  “Recompense must be offered.  In place of the life of that badger, my beautiful Rose has offered to me her very life.”

“And you interpreted that as marriage?” I asked.

“Who wouldn’t?” stated the young man.  “A bond of lives will be the only thing to heal my people from this great tragedy.” 

“You agreed that Badgelor did not kill anyone.  I'm sure he didn’t mean to injure anyone, either,” I said flatly, not at all sure of that fact.  “He was only attempting to rescue his friends.”

“Are you questioning the word of a prince?” asked Arnold.

I finally stood.  I didn’t tower over the man, but, for all his physicality, I could look him squarely in the eye.  “Yes,” I hissed.

The prince had a red vein that stuck out on his forehead when he got angry.  He glared at me, his hand inching toward a dagger at his side.  It was a stupid offensive move, because I still had my sword in its sheath.  Andersen stepped out of his workshop and saw the confrontation that was brewing.  Gasping, he practically dashed between us.

“Jim is my friend and will be shown hospitality,” stated Anderson placatingly. 

Arnold glared at me for a moment before laughing harshly.  “Fine, hide behind my whelp of a brother.  You are fortunate that the bonds of friendship are so important here.  It allows a fool like you to defy every rule of society.”  He glared at me. 

“Dude, I will tear your arm off and shove it so far up your ass that you will be able to wave to yourself when you smile at a mirror,” I replied caustically. 

Hey, that vein was back.

“Mercy, brother,” said Andersen, as Arnold took another step toward me.  Unfortunately for Arnold, his brother had some sort of hold on him.  Andersen held his hands in front of him, so the larger man just turned and stormed off. 

“Well, there goes that idea,” I said, turning back to Andersen.  “So, how do I rescue the girls?”

“Rescue the girls?” asked Andersen.  “They willingly came here to avoid the death of your badger.”

“Okay, how do I spring my badger?” I continued.

“I do not understand.  He is already freed by your friends’ sacrifice,” stated Andersen.

I groaned.  I was out of my element.  I didn’t have any of the skills necessary to get the girls out of this trap.  There seemed to be some weird understanding of verbiage preventing any negotiations.

“When has that ever stopped you before?” asked Shart.

Shart.  I turned to the entryway and spotted two mersoldiers.  They were escorting Julia into the room.  The princess had wrapped a barrier around her head like a diving helmet.

“What happened here?” she asked.

“Girls got kidnapped, Badgelor tried a rescue, Badgelor hurt a bunch of people but didn’t kill anyone, Badgelor got taken down, Badgelor was sentenced to die, and the girls pledged their lives in exchange for his,” I answered.  You know, totally normal, everyday shit.  Shit that doesn’t even faze me anymore.

“We have to marry zem” wailed Rose.  Hansa stared at Andersen for a long moment, then nodded a little.  There was the briefest, tiniest smile on her face. 

“So, what’s the problem?” asked Julia.

“They are being forced to marry men they don’t love,” I answered.

Julia’s eyebrows rose.  I could tell she was still unsure of what the issue was.

I sighed.  “They don’t feel that the deal they are getting in exchange for marriage is fair.”

Julia looked horrified.  Marriage wasn’t about love.  It was about a fair and equitable trade.  Grebthar help you, if you tried to cheat a woman out of her fair share.  Julia’s eyes narrowed, and she glared at Andersen with the contempt of a thousand suns.  “Oh, that I can handle.  Take me to your leader.”

Chapter 15 - Legal Troubles

An hour later, we were standing on an underwater platform, directly in front of the merking.  I had expected him to be a King Triton sort of man, and, except for the hair, I was right.  No one down here had long hair, male or female.

The reason was apparent.  When you were underwater for an extended period of time, floating hair just got in the way.  Julia had her hair held back with a small, golden barrier scrunchie that she had created for the... porpoise.

“Seriously?” sighed Shart.  “Ladies and gentlemen, your Mayor of Windfall.”

“Hey, they have been talking for forty-five minutes. I have to do something to pass the time.”  I replied.  Julia had been hammering on some treaty that Falcon had with the merpeople, and the merking had been arguing with her.  According to him, the vast amount of devastation caused by Badgelor had rendered that particular treaty moot.  “I don’t fully understand lawyering, but I’m sure Julia will smooth everything over.  Then, we can get out of here.”

●     You have learned the skill Lawyering.  You are Amateur.  You can modify fields on existing documents, should they allow for modification.  Isn’t that interesting?

So far, I’d gathered that Falcon had a treaty with the merpeople. Unfortunately, the merpeople didn’t like the treaty.  Julia had used her credentials as a royal family member to get the negotiations going and had been steamrolling the king ever since.

“Why aren’t they allowed on land again?” I asked, as Julia took a moment to review some documents in her user interface.

“They are required to remain under the sea because of an old war.” stated Julia.  “At least, I think that was the reason.  The merpeople became a thorn in our sides shortly after Grebthar left.  After the war, they swore to stay in their underwater kingdoms, and we mostly stayed on land, in ours.”

“But we are allowed down here?” I asked.

“To the victor,” said Julia absently, before finally grinning.  “This group was supposed to be protecting my family’s vault on the island.”

“So, are you going to ask them questions?” I asked.

“Maybe later,” said Julia triumphantly.  “Right now, I can use it as leverage in this negotiation!”

Then, she was back at it.  It was somehow a thing of beauty when she got into full rant mode, assuming said rant wasn’t directed at me.  Julia started on the honor and responsibilities of their kingdom and somehow segued into how to treat their wives.  It didn’t make much sense to me, so I glanced over at the girls.

Rose looked pissed.  She was alternating between glaring at Arnold and looking to Julia.  There was so much legalese going on that I didn’t understand.  I did gather that whatever Julia was doing to get the girls out of this mess was complex.

Hansa was clearly worried.  She kept distractedly glancing over at Andersen.  Andersen switched between trying to look noble, like his father, and shooting concerned looks over at Hansa.

“They do not know how to flirt at all,” said Shart.

“Hush, she’s young, and he’s stupid,” I replied.  I elbowed Badgelor, who was now fixed to my shoulder, still quite unconscious.

Suddenly, the king stood and bellowed, “If you wish to claim that we violated the treaty by letting thieves break into the vault, I question the validity of the treaty.  We can’t even go on land to properly protect the chamber.  What say you to that, oh mighty representative of Falcon?”

“I’m representing them as a woman, not as a Falconian.  Look at these two lovely young girls that are being forced into marriage,” began Julia in a heartfelt speech.  “Such a marriage is totally unfair to them economically.  There isn’t a single provision here about their upkeep and maintenance.  Hansa is an Engineer.  Will she even get a workshop?”

“Yes, of course,” groaned the king, flopping back into his seat.

“Then why isn’t it in this contract?” Julia asked, holding out the document.  The king grunted, pointed his massive trident at it, and blasted out an addendum to the existing contract.  The added text stipulated that both girls would have access to a suitable workspace.  Julia created a glowing, golden pen out of a barrier and used it to amend the king's portions.  He glared but said nothing.

“You know, when I originally watched that movie, I did not understand why magical writing would be part of the trident's powers.  Now that I’ve seen it in action, it makes perfect sense,” I said.  Regular pens would not work underwater, so magic trident signing powers were a great addition to the weapon’s capabilities.

●     You have learned the skill Lawyer!  You are a Novice!  Seeing a master at work has really advanced your progress.

Hopefully, I'll be eaten by a kraken soon.

Rose looked at Julia’s proclamations and grabbed her by the arm.  She began urgently whispering something into her negotiator’s ear.  Julia looked affronted.  “What do you mean you won’t marry him?”

“I do not want to marry him. I already haz a, ahem, friend,” stated Rose.

“And you are getting a husband,” smiled Julia.  “Dear, that’s an upgrade.”

“He iz a beast!” hissed Rose.  “No, I will not marry him.”

Julia looked dumbfounded.  “I don’t understand.  I got you a nice house on the island. It’s got a dock, so your family can sail over to visit.”  That had been about the only part of the negotiation I had understood.

“Good for you!” encouraged Shart.  “You know what a dock is.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and turned my attention back to the arguing women. 

“But I do not love him,” said Rose.

Julia stared uncomprehendingly at the young woman.  “What does that have to do with anything?”

“I will not marry a man I do not love!” proclaimed Rose.  Julia looked shocked.

“Did you see how much I got them to spend on jewelry?” asked Julia.  “That’s a new princess cut diamond every month.  Every Stinking Month!  For Life!”  The princess seemed to be grinding her teeth.

“I do not care about diamondz,” yelled Rose, stomping her foot for emphasis.

“Not a problem!  We can take those off the table,” said the king, pointing his trident at the contract.

“No!” Julie yelled at him, before turning back to Rose.  “Feck me, what do you want?” Julia ground out.

“Not to get married to him at all,” shouted Rose.

“That doesn’t make any sense. He’s a prince!”  Julia spat, smiling over at Arnold.  Hansa had been uncharacteristically quiet and still, except for an occasional glance toward Andersen.

“You did not azk me what I wanted,” stated Rose.

Julia inhaled sharply and somehow glared at both of us simultaneously.  “Jim, you told me to fix this, and I am trying.  I just don’t understand.  Did you forget to tell me that everyone had gone insane?  That’s the only explanation for a girl not wanting to marry into a royal family.”

“You are the worst princess ever,” I growled under my breath.  “Of course, they don’t want that!  They want to marry people they love.”  Julia’s expression totally cracked.  In her mind, marriage was a contract that needed to be negotiated.  To her, Rose and Hansa were both getting princes, which was what every girl strived for.  Marrying a prince meant that you didn’t have to settle for someone like a duke, or even, Grebthar help you, an earl.  Love was a thing for you and your side piece, not for a husband and wife.

These girls were of common birth, so the notion that princes would be interested in them at all was odd to Julia.  The idea that either of the girls wouldn’t want to marry someone so well connected was too foreign to Julia’s worldview.  Her mind was shattering against the insanity of it all.  Julia looked down at the table, every bit of her princess training contesting what she was about to say.  “Rose doesn’t want to marry the prince,” she spat.

“Fine,” said the king, blasting the offending lines off the contract with his trident.  “After all, it was only one badger. Two girls seemed a bit much.”

“Happy,” hissed Julia, as the king struck Rose’s name from the contract.  “What about you?” she asked, rounding on Hansa.  “Are you going to run off to crazy town as well?”

“I’m cool,” stated Hansa.

“Really?” I asked, surprised.  I narrowed my eyes, examining Hansa.

“No, it's fine.  There is just something special about him,” smiled Hansa dreamily.  “I knew it from the moment I first laid eyes on him.” 

Of course, Hansa would find love at first sight for a mechanical city and its prince.  Well, Andersen was tall, dark-haired, and slightly muscular.  He was someone that even my own daughter would have thought of as cute.  He was looking at Hansa in that coy, respectful manner of a well-reared young man.

“Your father is going to be upset with me,” I said.

“You are his best friend. It will be fine,” stated Hansa, kissing me on the cheek.  I knew for a fact that couldn’t possibly be true, but I didn’t want to disturb the young woman on the day she got engaged. 

I considered what Sir Dalton would do.  What would his gut tell him to do?  “Julia, stick in a line about them being faithful to each other.”

Julia looked at me askance.  “How are they going to have side pieces?”

“They aren’t,” I replied.

Julia leaned in real close and whispered in my ear.  “That means she can only sleep with him.  He might not be interested.  Worse, he could be really bad at it.”

“Doesn’t matter. She just wants him.  Isn’t that right, Hansa?” I asked.

Hansa nodded emphatically.  The nobility might have their side pieces, and a large section of Windfallians loved to experiment, oftentimes with OttoSherman.  However, I believed Hansa was after her one true love.  After all, she was a romantic and would be crushed if her future husband thought having affairs was acceptable.

“Whatever, it is settled,” said the king, pushing the contract in front of Hansa.  Julia waved her hand at the tattered ruins of the brilliant contract she’d written.  My Lawyering skill allowed me to make a copy of the document.  I’d never seen an Ordinal marriage contract before.  Hansa paused, but only for a moment.  Grabbing a small sea urchin and piercing her thumb, she signed the contract in blood.

“Finally,” groaned the king, quite finished with the whole spectacle.  He, too, signed the contract, binding his kingdom to it.

Hansa rose and smiled.  It was the same smile she had when she wasn’t sure of a new invention, but Hansa was pretty confident she’d made the right decision. Of course, no matter what she said, her father would kill me.  Then again, Hansa had a good head on her shoulders.  The way she looked at Andersen reminded me of my daughter when she looked at her fiancé.

Then, the plan came apart.

“Arnold, may I present you your bride,” stated the king.  Andersen looked sadly at Hansa.  He almost said something, but then his brother strolled toward her.  The smaller man flinched.

Hansa turned to Julia in alarm.  Julia watched her with an expression of absolute cluelessness.  All Julia had heard was that Hansa was willing to go along with the marriage.  At that point, Julia stopped caring about little particulars, like who married whom.  That didn’t matter.  The contract was what mattered.

Hansa ran toward me, her eyes panicked.  Arnold made it to her before she could make it to me.  He grabbed her around the waist, ready to take his prize back to whatever fresh hell awaited her.

As he attempted to swim away, he discovered that he was unable to move.  He turned to face the obstacle preventing his forward motion.  I was gripping him around his non-stump wrist.  Arnold growled, “Remove your hand.”

“Does he need a spare?” laughed Shart.

“Make me,” I said flatly.  “Hansa will marry Andersen, not you.”

Arnold was strong.  Holding an entire man by just his arm was a task that not even I could keep up for long.  I could keep it up for a little while, though.  Arnold turned redder than I’d yet seen him and moved to pull himself free.  Hansa used that moment to squirm away, making a mad dash toward Andersen.  That was not the best move for us, tactically speaking.

My biggest issue was that Arnold was far more comfortable with underwater weapons than I was.  He kicked away from me as Hansa ran to safety.  Arnold produced and flung a harpoon at her, which sank into the rear panel of her militia armor and clicked into place.  Hansa’s movement ceased, as the massive merman began reeling in his bride.

Suddenly, Rose was next to him, swinging her gauntleted fist at his head.  Arnold was a high-level adventurer, so whatever she did was more likely to annoy him than hurt him.  However, she was certainly going to give it her all.

“I waz zent to protect my zister from beazts like you,” she hissed.  She had some sort of explosive in her fist.  It impacted Arnold's chiseled jaw, causing it to detonate.  Immediately, a lilac flash filled his face, releasing the full force of an alchemical component.  Arnold spun around, just as Rose’s gauntlet swung in.  A thick steel blade sprung from her wrist.

All of Dalton’s daughters were skilled in one thing or another, and Rose was no exception.  Hansa might be more inventive, and Margwal might be more determined, but Rose was second to neither of them.  Plus, her love of reading covered far more Precursor texts than any of her sisters, meaning she had a few tricks in store. 

By now, the entire palace guard had been alerted.  They swarmed Julia and me.  Hansa finally made it to Andersen, who was holding her.  She looked lost and afraid.  Meanwhile, Rose struck Arnold with her wrist blade, but he smacked her hand away with contemptuous ease.

It was a contest of Hit Points, or Rose might have won.  She had the grit.  She had the determination.  What she didn’t have was 40+ levels of the Man at Arms class.  As soon as Arnold realized she was an actual threat, he dismantled her, literally.  He grabbed her gauntlet arm and tore the entire thing off her armor.

Next, he grabbed her blade and snapped it, then began tearing off every bit of armor.  Rose was quickly left in the baggy yellow slip that she favored for padding.

“I’m going to kill him,” I said, examining the army surrounding me.  The phrase “You and what army?” made more sense when an opponent actually had an army.  Julia put her arm on mine and shook her head.

“I can’t get her out of this,” she said.

“Out of what?” I barked, looking over at Arnold.  The brutish idiot was smiling triumphantly.

“She has volunteered by virtue of drawing blood from me,” Arnold screamed, pointing at Rose.  “I will take her as my second bride!”  Rose glared daggers at him, and Hansa screamed.            

“No,” I said, my voice carrying across the whole room from Brass Lungs.

“Jim, they are savages. They worship Cousteau and eat snails,” said Julia.  “I know you are a Remort, but it would take the Mayor of Windfall to fix this.”  Shart groaned from inside the orb.

“I’ll be fine,” I replied, pushing a soldier’s trident out of my face.

“I don’t know how you plan on getting through to them,” the princess hissed.  “We can’t bribe our way out of this.”

“What do merpeople care about?” I asked.  Then, I remembered what the blowhard had said.  “They value the bonds of friendship.”

“So?” asked Julia.

I stood, glaring at the nearby palace guards, my Intimidate skill on full display.  A few of them managed to last a handful of seconds.  Soon, everyone had backed away, leaving a clear path to the merking.  He held his trident in a powerful grip.

“I am the best friend of their father, Sir Dalton.  I have sworn an oath to protect these girls,” I said to the king.  “I cannot allow this.”

Arnold growled.  “She agreed to it.  She attacked, thereby challenging me to a duel!”

“Fine, I challenge you to a duel,” I said.

“Why would you do that?” chuckled Arnold.

I looked over at Rose, her cheek freshly bruised.  Then, I looked to the terrified Hansa, tucked away in the arms of Andersen.  “I could do no less for my. . .BFF.”

There was a collective inhale from all the merpeople.  Julia was just looking at me side-eyed.

“You should not claim a BFF lightly,” said the King.  “What proof do you have?”

“He calls me little buddy, and he’s helping me out with a condition,” I replied.  Shart’s chuckling filled my head.  “A private condition.  About my bait and tackle.”

“Well, that’s good enough for me. Only a man’s best friend would assist him with that,” responded the king quickly.  “Let it henceforth be known that Jim is the BFF of Sir Dalton!”

●     You have gained a new title, “BFF of Sir Dalton!”  You must display this title for the next 24 hours.

“Ha, Dum Dum,” giggled Shart.

The king nodded and looked down upon us.  “Son, do you accept the duel?”

Arnold swam over to me and backhanded me across the face.  I got a prompt showing that my challenge was accepted.  I didn’t give him the satisfaction of flinching, even though his dainty hand stung like all get out.

I glanced over at my reflection in Julia’s helmet.  It was easy to spot the handprint, complete with some sort of manta ray impression that Arnold’s ring had left on my face.  I was going to break that twerp.

The king proclaimed, “The duel is recognized.  My son, after you kill this fool, we will set up your double marriage.”

Arnold grinned wickedly.

Chapter 16 - The Arena

“He has a mechanical dragon,” I said to Shart.  I poked Badgelor again, but the weasel did not respond.

“Apparently that’s a thing now,” replied the demon.  He was still locked in the orb, but Julia was in my corner to instruct me.  That placed Shart close enough to talk to me.

“Dragon,” I sang lightly to Badgelor, who twitched slightly.  I think. 

We were back to being surrounded by water.  I’d been given a different potion of air breathing.  This one allowed me to not only breathe underwater but also talk.  I was guessing that they wanted this to be a true spectacle. 

“Please explain to me why we aren’t just having a duel,” I groaned, looking around at the lavish arena I had been taken to.  It was obviously some form of major sporting arena for the merpeople.  Presently, the stands were filled to capacity.  On earth, it would have been considered a small venue.  On Ordinal, the five thousand merpeople in attendance represented a significant chunk of the merpopulation. 

One of the sets of bleachers was even formed from an old shipwreck, giving the entire place a miniature golf course vibe.

Julia frowned.  “Look, this was your stupid idea.  Just go in and beat him up.  The Baldwin is right above us.  If we can get to the diving bell, we can all escape back up to the ship.”

We were far below the Baldwin.  Glorious Robert’s ship looked like a log, bobbing gently up and down on the water.  The diving bell was how Julia had descended into the ocean.  It had more or less dropped like an anchor next to the mercastle.  

Arnold was armored up on his left side, wearing the nautical equivalent of medium armor.  He was waving around his hook hand, a gift bestowed to him by Badgelor.  I was wearing my jet-black armor.  Due to my Buoyant Armor perk, I wasn’t weighed down in the slightest.  I needed to question Badgelor on the assigning of that particular perk at some point.  I wished he had used it on something more productive, like swimming like a bat out of hell.

“That’s a world record,” I said, as Arnold swam the entire circumference of the arena in about thirty seconds. 

“No, he’s just screwing around,” replied Shart.  “Giving the audience a show.  He could go much faster if he wanted to.”

“Great,” I said, slapping Badgelor multiple times in his stupid, furry, fucking face.  “Do you think if I grabbed and twisted, he would wake up?”

“No, Dum Dum,” replied Shart.  “Even if he did, he would probably kill you for it.” 

I gripped my trident, a weapon I’d never wielded before.  An armed merman had been quite insistent that I take it, though, so took it I did.  My Weapon Master Path flooded my mind with knowledge of how to use it.  I adjusted my grip and forcefully swam to the middle of the arena.  I spent a moment kicking up off the ground, finally settling down and waiting for my opponent to approach. 

“Seriously, a dragon,” I stated, whacking Badgelor again.  He remained blissfully unconscious.

Arnold swam directly across from me and touched down.  His dragon floated menacingly next to him.  Badgelor chose that moment to fart slightly.  The small cloud of bubbles floating up from my shoulder painted a vivid picture.  It occurred to me that they were the only bubbles floating from the little critter.  How is he breathing?

“I will show you how we treat disrespect,” stated Arnold, twirling his weapon around.  “You shall know the true meaning of anguish when I strip the flesh from your bones!”

“Hey, look, an asshole!” I replied, gripping my trident.  Arnold turned another shade redder.

The announcer swam down.  He looked ‘fishier’ than Arnold.  Arnold looked like a massive human torso affixed to a fish tail.  His brother looked mostly human, gills in neck being the only obvious sign of his mer status.  The announcer, however, was blue.  He was covered in scales that started from his tail and went all the way up to his head.  His voice was clear enough though. 

“Are you ready to BUBBLE?”

The crowd erupted in cheers, and fireworks exploded overhead.  I relaxed my muscles; everything here needed to be perfect.  As I stared across at Arnold, I tried to feel out his essence.  I just needed a distilled bit of information, anything that would give me some sort of an advantage.  Both of us were waiting for the perfect moment, the right time to act.  I watched Arnold’s expression intently.  Finally, something familiar washed over me. 

Then, I knew.  I pointed to his left.  “Hey, what’s that over there?”

Arnold turned his head, and I activated Thrust.  The perk propelled me the distance between us in the blink of an eye.  Arnold pulled up his trident at the last moment, catching the head of mine against his shaft.  At that moment, I became keenly aware of something.

Tridents suck.

Arnold used the shaft of his weapon to bind mine.  Then, he rotated himself in a manner that could only work underwater.  Worse, his superior Swimming skill allowed him to push back against me while my weapon was bound.  His push lifted me into the wide-open water.  The dragon barreled down on me, breathing lightning.

●        Lightning Damage: 84 points of Electrical Damage.  -50% Dragon Scales.  42 points of damage remaining.

My body convulsed.  Lightning ran through me, and bright, shiny fireworks shot off.  Arnold continued his rotation.  I was forced to release my own trident, which went careening to the ocean floor.  Arnold aligned his weapon and charged.

I caught the crossguard with my hand.  Trident’s suck.  There was a sharp edge designed to prevent someone from grabbing the head of the weapon, but I was wearing gauntlets.  I pushed the weapon aside and punched Arnold squarely in the face.  The force was enough to send him backward.  His trident fell from his single hand and vanished into the silt below.  

Glancing upward, I saw there were no fireworks for Jim.

Arnold pulled out his harpoon, letting the attached cord trail behind him.  He began swinging at me as we danced around under the sea.  HIs dragon would occasionally take swipes, but the animal was having to be overly cautious.  I was right on top of Arnold; one wrong move on the creature’s part would get him into awful trouble with his master.

Continuing the scrum, I continued liberally punching the merman in the face.  He kept trying to skewer me with his harpoon.  The head of his weapon wasn’t designed for armor piercing, though.  Each smash against my armor sent sparks flying.  We were spinning around like a pair of cats fighting in an underwater sack. 

Through it all, Badgelor remained firmly on my shoulder.  Whenever I could spare a moment, I smacked him.  Unfortunately, the jerk was committed to his slumber. 

“Um, Jim,” stated Shart.

“Fighting,” I hissed back.  The dragon snapped at me, but I managed to swing the harpoon into the path of its toothy maw.  The dragon bit down, severing the harpoon in two.  Arnold expected me to reverse the weapon, to bring the pointy bits to bear, but there was a different pointy bit now available.

I aimed the jagged, broken harpoon tip and jammed it straight at his eye.  I expected Arnold to soon require an eyepatch.  Instead, as the spike closed in, a magical field sprang up, deflecting my impromptu weapon. 

Growling, I used my other hand to grab the trailing harpoon cord, which was now thoroughly wrapped around both of us.  Then, I used my Rope Use skill.  The poor Man at Arms didn’t know what hit him.  One moment, he was swimming around freely; the next moment, he was hogtied in a rather compromising position. 

“Surrender,” I yelled, as I gripped the cord tighter.

“Never!  My dragon will free me,” Arnold replied.

“Dude,” I groaned, “You are tied up.  I have total access to your-”

“Hey, this is not that kind of fight,” yelled the incapacitated merman. 

“-your face, and I have half a harpoon,” I finished.

“Oh, I just figured with how you tied me up and all,” stated Arnold. 

“No, I’m just trying to stab you,” I said.

“Oh, well, good, my apologies.  Just making sure we keep this family friendly,” replied Arnold.  “Stabbing is fine.  No naughty stuff.”

“Can I kill you now?” I groaned.

“Do your worst,” he yelled.

“How hard is it to Regenerate an ear?” I asked Shart, aiming the harpoon at the mermoron and thrusting.  It skittered off a protective shell.  “Seriously?”

Before I had the chance to make a second attempt, the dragon snapped down on my shoulder and pulled me free.  I took the harpoon and jammed it into the mechanical dragon’s eye.  The action had a predictable result.  A stream of dark oil leaked from the creature, causing it to rapidly release me. 

I took a moment to collect myself.  Arnold was trying to break himself free from his own harpoon cable, a process that would take him at least a few minutes.  The dragon was circling around for another strike.  I had about ten seconds before he would be ready.  Badgelor was, of course, blissfully sleeping on my shoulder.

“You enormous turd!” I screamed.  “If you don’t wake up right this instant, I’m going to give you another ‘hand job.’  Remember the cave?”

The badger’s eyes fluttered open.  “Like hell!”

I pointed at the mechanical monster.  “Dragon.”

For a moment, Badgelor looked excited.  He deflated just as quickly.  “No, it ain’t.  That’s just some sort of training dummy.”

“Then train on it, dummy,” I cursed, tossing the badger at the dragon.

“Fine, fine, send in the expert, I suppose,” grumbled Badgelor.  He swam toward the dragon, muttering something about having to clean up MY mess.

Arnold managed to pull his hand free and strike me across the face.  With all my defensive perks, it didn’t hurt much.  As he pulled back to strike again, I grabbed his wrist and examined his ring.  From this close, I realized it was an eagle, not a manta ray. 

“Isn’t that a bit strange for an underwater prince to have?” I asked.  He pulled his hand free and continued struggling against his bonds. 

“It is mine by right,” he yelled.

Using Brass Lungs, I turned to Julia and screamed, “HE took the ring!”

Activating Heightened Senses, I examined the ring more closely.  It was covered in some arcane script that I didn’t really understand, even with Runesmith engaged.  The only bits I recognized were a few symbols that appeared to be straight evolutions of the runes on my old mind control ring.

I glanced over to where Badgelor and the mechanical dragon were busy scrapping.  Literally.  Badgelor had pulled several large plates off the dragon.  It looked like he was trying to separate the dragon’s front half from its back half, despite the dragon biting him repeatedly. 

“I thought the ring was supposed to be protected in the vault above,” I said conversationally.  “If you have the loot, you must have gone on land and emptied out the vault.”  Arnold, realizing he had been caught, squirmed even harder.

“We had to!  We were being attacked,” he grunted, still trying to break free.  “We know we are not permitted to go onto the surface, but we felt we had no choice.  We thought that if the vault was empty, there would be no need for them to attack us.  We were wrong.”

“Who keeps attacking you?” I asked.

“Pirates!  They keep sailing over to the vault.  We always try to stop them from the water, but they always push their way right through,” said Arnold, beginning to sound defeated. “We did not want to take what was in the vault, but my people needed to be safe.”

“So why take the girls?” I asked, wondering how that had come about.

“We initially thought they were more pirates.  Once we realized our mistake, we used the badger incident to bargain for them.  If we marry girls from the surface, we have to build them houses on the surface,” said Arnold.  “We have to protect our wives, so the treaty would no longer apply to us.”

I really needed to see that treaty.  I was getting the impression that, despite Julia’s insistence on fairness, that treaty was pretty lopsided.  I released my grip on the cord, allowing Arnold to wriggle free.  He moved into a defensive position, but, when I didn’t do anything, he relaxed. 

“If we could just protect the island with some actual defenses, we’d be willing to drop all this,” said Arnold.  Two more bright flashes lit up the sky.

“Nice fireworks,” I remarked, scowling over to Julia.  She looked incredibly upset.

“I thought those were yours,” said Arnold. 

Glancing up, I saw something terrible.  The Baldwin was on its side. Most of the crew was swimming off in various directions.  Looking closer, I saw that the ship was rather spectacularly on fire, too.  The massive line supporting the diving bell spun through the water.  It landed heavily on the seafloor, shooting silt and kelp in every direction.

Far more terrifying than that, however, was the golden woman riding a sea serpent straight toward me.  She was surrounded by a cloud of humans in thick, rubbery armor.  I kicked away from Arnold in an attempt to keep him out of the fray.  A massive, golden rod slammed into my chest, driving me to the bottom of the arena. 

Arnold grabbed his shattered harpoon and moved to block the woman, but she easily overwhelmed him.  His mechanical dragon was still locked in combat with Badgelor.  Arnold was on his own, as the golden woman fired a series of smaller, golden rods at him.  He blocked some and dodged others, but he also took a bunch of hits.  All too soon, they had closed the pitiful range that Arnold could use his fractured harpoon in.  The sea serpent opened its maw, taking the whole spear down its mouth with the experience of a creature that had certainly deepthroated a weapon before.

It bit down hard, catching Arnold’s remaining hand.  With his “borrowed” Ring of Protection active, the bite didn’t rip his remaining hand off immediately.  However, as the serpent rapidly shook its head back and forth, that looked like the obvious outcome.

The merarmy was used to fighting desperate battles against pirates, but these pirates were a crack unit.  They were smashing through the best the merpeople had without a challenge, even though the merpeople should have had a decisive advantage.  The only thing preventing a total rout of the merpeople was Julia.  She was using her magic to shield them from some of the heaviest enemy attacks.   

As I pulled myself from the mud, I spotted my sucky trident.   I grabbed it from the seafloor and swam toward the golden woman.  She saw me heading toward her with my weapon drawn and swore, firing off another series of golden rods.  I managed to Dodge them all.  Each rod whizzed past me and slammed into the arena surface with a deafening thunderclap. 

As she flung another rod, I activated my Counterspell skill, fracturing it as it raced toward me.  Another rod was hot on its trail.  I waited until it was about to hit me before slamming my garbage trident into it.  The rod shattered, and I barreled on. 

“Get it!” she yelled, swimming off the back of her serpent.  She worked a golden rod, causing it to thin out, leaving her with a staff-like weapon.  She twirled it overhead and stuck out her hand, waving me toward her.  Normally, I don’t like those kinds of invitations, but Arnold was losing his hand via the serpent.  I was the one who was supposed to be kicking his ass.

I used Thrust, flying toward her much faster than I’d been swimming before.  She blocked my attack easily, because, and I cannot stress this enough, tridents suck.  At least I was now experienced enough to get my weapon free before she could bind the tongs with her staff. 

She swung at my midsection far faster than I’d expected she could.  Her staff smacked into my chest armor, rocking me backward.  She followed up with a series of feints and thrusts designed to keep me away from her. 

“Hurry up!  This one is crafty,” she yelled.

To my surprise, the sea serpent answered in a mostly normal voice.  The effect was only slightly ruined by having a man’s hand wedged into its mouth.  “I’m hurrying.  He is not letting it go.”

“She’s stalling,” yelled Shart.

“I figured that out,” I growled, activating Felling Strike.  That skill supercharged my strike, allowing my trident to impact with awesome power.  My opponent grinned as I swung, my trident slamming into her magical staff.  My weapon promptly shattered.

“Of course,” I hissed.  The garbage tier trident wasn’t on the same level as her magically created rod.

●        Rod of Immovable Force: Queen has mastered the Barrier skill, Rod of Immovable Force, allowing her to move her rod at will.

“I call shenanigans,” I yelled, as she split her rod in half.  She closed with me, swinging a rod in each hand.  The rods didn’t believe in physics.  When you were hit with one, it didn’t matter how much you weighed or how fast you were moving.  The rod just brushed you aside with all the pleasantness of a two-inch diameter shaft crushing your ribs. 

Grabbing at one only caused me to get a mighty shock.  Obviously, she had defenses against that.  Finally, I decided to go for the old classic.  When I had a moment, I launched into a Basstown Headbutt.

●        Basstown Headbutt has struck an immovable rod.  Ouch.  You didn’t really think that would work, did you?

“Motherfucking, ass munching, testicle-basted shit,” I screamed, as a one-quarter inch rod repelled my headbutt.  I was now sporting a bright purple welt on my forehead.  I was also too busy cursing to even notice as my enemy swam back over to her sea serpent.  Both of them swam away, leaving Arnold with another bloody stump where his remaining hand had been. 

“Now, onto the orb,” she laughed, and they headed back to the surface. 

Chapter 17 - We Need a Boat

I had to cast Regenerate on account of the skull fracture I’d given myself.  After a few minutes, once I could finally see straight, I made a promise to myself.  I was never going to try to headbutt that woman ever again. 

Julia was busy tending to the wounded.  Despite her utter annoyance at the ring being stolen, first, by the merpeople and then, by the pirates, she still believed in helping the injured.  Bloody good for her.

With no one to fight, Arnold and I had been sidelined.  He was taking the loss of his other hand pretty well.

“My brother will make me a metal one,” he said, as I stared at him.

“Like another hook?” I asked.

“No, a mechanical hand.  It is a Precursor technique,” stated Arnold.  I continued to stare at him questioningly.  “The hook was temporary.  My brother was already making a hand to replace it.  I don’t think a second one will be too much of a challenge.” 

I nodded comfortingly, and Arnold sighed.

“You know, the vault had a cache of Precursor items.  When my brother suggested we raid the vault, I didn’t expect the ring,” said the well-muscled man.  Dalton was big and stupid.  This guy was just big, I decided.  He was still an asshole, though.

“So, it's his fault?” I asked.

“Hardly, I was in charge.  My plan, my fault,” answered Arnold miserably.  “We are in total violation of the treaty now.”

“I wouldn’t sweat it.  At least the pirates won’t be attacking you anymore,” I replied.

“I suppose not,” sighed Arnold, watching Hansa and Andersen.  The duo were moving the sick and wounded over to Julia.  I’d offered to help, but she had the whole situation in hand. 

A shadow floated above me, and Glorious Robert plopped down nearby.  The Fisherman looked utterly defeated, which, of course, made sense.  “They sunk my boat.”

“We figured that out,” I replied.  “What happened?”

“More hawks attacked, more than last time,” said Glorious Robert, “But we were dealing with those.  Then, the mountain looked like it erupted, and the Queen of the Inner Sea dropped right onto my deck.  She demanded I give whatever she was looking for to her.”

“And you did?” I asked.

“I tried.  Her companion smashed the Baldwin while I fought her,” stated Glorious Robert. “She was beating the piss out of me.  Finally, she figured out that I didn’t have what she was looking for.  Then, she jumped into the water.  They planted charges, and the ship exploded after that.”

“Well, at least most of your sailors lived,” I said, bringing up the Army of Windfall menu.  As his sailors were now part of my auxiliaries, I found them easily enough.  Six deaths and forty wounded.

“We got them all to the shore, thanks to the merpeople’s help,” stated Glorious Robert.

“No problem,” said Arnold, shaking his head. 

“What now?” I asked.

“We’ll try to make another ship, I guess,” answered Glorious Robert.  “It will take a while, but I should be able to cobble something together that will get us back home in a week or two.”

I glanced over at Arnold, who nodded.  “We will help however we can.”

That queen hadn’t come alone.  Her pirates had attacked a number of the merpeople, slaying some and injuring many.  Badgelor and the mechanical dragon had continued fighting right through the battle.  My calls to him had been ignored, as the badger attempted to destroy his nontraditional enemy. 

As Julia hit the limit of what her magic could achieve, she finally stopped her healing.  She swam over to us for a break.  The princess watched Arnold for a long moment before looking at me.  “Man, that Queen of the Inner Sea is a mystery, right?”

“What is she, your cousin?” I asked.

“What?” asked Julia, feigning shock.

“I mean, she has that same golden power that you do.  She even does that staff twirling thing you do when you are preparing for battle,” I said. 

“Yes, it is super obvious,” added Arnold.  “That’s one of the many reasons Dad is pissed at you.”

Glorious Robert shrugged.  “I just figured you were important, not a high and mighty member of the Falconian high nobility.  Do you know Julia?”

Julia frowned at that.  Julia was the default name given to so many female members of the royal family.  It was all a big joke outside of Falcon.  Of course, given how powerful female members of the royal family were, Glorious Robert was playing a dangerous game.

“That was one of my cousins,” answered Julia carefully.  “She’s from one of the fallen branches of the family.”

“Why did she want the Ring of Protection?  Was it so her part of the family can play with the big boys again?” I asked.

“Big girls,” corrected Julia.  “I suppose, but the Ring of Protection is the weakest artifact.  It's not likely to get anyone to change the status quo enough to admit a fourth major branch of the family back into national politics.”

“How did your family get the orb?” I asked.

“We acquired it lawfully during our conquest of the previous ruling house.  Up until then, we were a minor family,” said Julia.  Her pride in her father was profound, even if she was talking about a coup where her family stole an artifact.

“So, someone might be trying to take it back?” I asked. 

“Certainly.  Any of the lesser-branch families would love to take away my artifact,” answered Julia, reaching down to touch her belly protectively.  I didn’t want to tell anyone that her actions mirrored that of a pregnant woman.  “Why?”

“She said she was going for the orb next,” I said.

Julia frowned.  “If that’s the case, I’m surprised she didn’t just make a play for it here.”

I considered that.  Julia had been throwing around giant, golden barriers left and right while we were getting our asses kicked by a veteran pirate army.  If ever there was a time to make a play for the orb, it was then. 

“Different orb, maybe?” I asked.  “What do you know about the Orb of Annihilation?”

“It's lost,” stated Julia.

“Who told you that?” I asked.

“It's in the histories,” answered Andersen.  “After the final war, Toomen Masterbrooke took the Orb of Annihilation and left with it.  It was the only way for the world to heal.”

I glanced over at Glorious Robert, who looked deep in thought.  “She couldn’t know where the statue is.”

“Statue?” asked Arnold.

“Jim knows where the statue of Toomen Masterbrooke is,” stated Glorious Robert. 

“Big deal.  There are dozens of them all over Falcon,” stated Julia dismissively.

“It's in Windfall,” I said, causing her to stare wide-eyed at me. 

“No one is allowed to go to Windfall,” ground out Julia, looking irate.

“When I first found that statue, there was no vegetation around it.  The statue was completely clean,” I said.  “Since then, I’ve had to clean it regularly.  It is pretty much constantly covered in bird crap.  It's so delicate at parts that it can’t possibly all be made of stone.”

“So,” said Glorious Robert.

“That means someone had been cleaning it before I found it,” I responded, “And the obvious part.”

“Oh no,” groaned Julia.  “That means there are squatters in Windfall.  Perfect, just perfect!  It's supposed to be pristine for the Mayor.  No one is supposed to be there.”

“So, she said she was going to look for the orb, and Toomen Masterbrooke had the orb last,” I said, thoroughly ignoring Julia. 

“And she left in a hurry,” added Glorious Robert.  “That could mean that the person cleaning the statue was her.”

“When the Mayor finds out about this, he is going to be pissed,” said Julia.

“He’s not one for unannounced visitors,” chuckled Glorious Robert.  “That still leaves the barrier, Jim.”  Julia was beginning to go apoplectic. 

“Windfall has a working barrier?  Right now? How do you know that?” screeched Julia, whose own capital city did not have a barrier.  Well, technically Windfall was their capital, but that was a whole other discussion.

Glorious Robert looked at me flatly, “In any case, they won’t be able to get through the barrier.”

“Maggie, the Shadow Assassin,” I said.  Glorious Robert looked at me for a long moment, considering.  If there was an adventurer who could manage it, it would be someone like her. 

“Wait, oh no,” whispered Julia.  “Maggie said she was going after some podunk mayor. You don’t think she was going after the Mayor, do you?”

“I think-” I began, but she cut me off.

“She must be!  That is the only thing that explains why she was so eager to leave,” hissed Julia.  “She killed my father, and now she’s going after my Mayor.”

“Well, that’s a possessive streak,” I said, causing her to glare at me.

“Look, Remort, Maggie is one of the most lethal assassins on the planet.  Unless you think your fabled puma check is going to be sufficient to stop her, we’ll need to protect the Mayor at all costs,” commanded Julia.

“Well, I’m all about protecting the mayor,” I said.  “Protecting the mayor is my number one passion.  We just need a ship to sail back to Windfall,”

Julia exhaled at that, totally unaccustomed to taking others’ orders or suggestions.  “I suppose I could go, but only because it involves saving the Mayor.”

“Good, it's decided,” I said decisively.  “Glorious Robert, any chance we could fix the Baldwin?” 

Glorious Robert glanced up at the burning ruins of his beloved ship and frowned at me. “No, you ass.  They burned it to the water line.”

I glanced over to the bleacher section.  “Arnold, what’s that ship your people are using for stadium seating?”

“It's a Precursor ship.  It sank a long time ago but seems to be holding up well underwater,” answered Arnold.

“The hull is mithral,” said Andersen.  “It doesn’t rust or corrode.  However, it was badly damaged when it sank.”

“You recovered some Precursor artifacts in the vault’s cache,” I said. 

“Yes, but you’d need a team of Engineers to pull off that sort of repair,” argued Andersen.

“Time to ‘Jim’ this thing up,” I said, swimming over to the ship and landing on it. 

●        Damaged Precursor Ship, modified.  Durability 253/9000.  Ship is unowned. Would you like to claim?  <Yes/No>

The water seemed to vibrate when I selected “Yes.”  I watched the ship’s hull, suddenly realizing that I had started to glow.

●        You are now the owner of the Nosebleed.

●        The Nosebleed is a ship, but it is not seaworthy.  Durability must be raised to 50% for a ship to be considered seaworthy.

●        The Nosebleed is missing a captain.  Would you like to appoint one?

●        The Nosebleed has 0 of 65 crew.  Would you like to add a crew?

●        <System> alert.  <user> Jim has achieved all requirements for the Swashbuckler class.  Per <admin> override, process immediate upgrades because <this should be funny>

Chapter 18 - The Power of a Remort

“What just happened?” asked Julia, as I finished glowing.  I was now the proud owner of a thoroughly smashed, modified Precursor ship that had sank to the bottom of the ocean. 

“Why, in all of Jersey, did you pick a sunk boat?” asked Shart, once again utterly aghast at my stupidity.  “I mean, every so often I think I understand you.  Then, you do this stupid shit, and I’m left at a complete loss.”

“I think he suffered brain damage when he tried to headbutt that lady,” replied Badgelor.

“That’s the only logical answer,” said Shart.  “That, or he’s just naturally got the brains of a particularly stupid goblin.”

“I have my reasons,” I stated, as I prepared to look through the menu.  I was now a Swashbuckler, since I possessed both the Sailing skill and a ship. I stared at the boat for a long moment.  Exhaling, I watched a few small bubbles race to the surface before I brought up my first menu.

●        Level up, Cleric 12.  You have assigned your Stat Point to Charisma.  Your Talent Point is unassigned.  You have 3 Talent Points unassigned.

●        Great General, Auxiliary Army of Windfall.  The Baldwin has been destroyed and will be removed from the army.  Would you like to appoint a new auxiliary? <Yes/No>

Certain class level ups were less noteworthy than others.  The stat bump to my Charisma was handy, but another Talent Point just went into the pool.  None of the talents I wanted cost less than 4 Talent Points to Cleric, so I just kept stockpiling points. 

I selected the Nosebleed and added it as the auxiliary.  For a moment, the ship glowed red in my vision, but then it faded.

●        Level up, Great General 4.  Adding a Precursor ship to your army has increased your Army Rank by 1.  Army’s Combat Rating has been increased. 

●        Level up, Swashbuckler 1.  Your boat has sunk.  Level 0 is not an option.  Increase the value of your boat to raise your level.

“No stat bumps for Great General,” I asked.

“You should have already gotten your stat bumps from your Tier 1 classes,” said Shart.  Of course.

Glancing over at Glorious Robert, I said, “I need a captain.”

“Of course, I’d be happy to captain anything that floats,” replied Glorious Robert, glancing at the ship at the bottom of the ocean.

“Give me ten minutes,” I replied.  Dumping all the Baldwin’s remaining forty-two crew members into the Nosebleed’s roster left me twenty-three members short of the necessary number.  Turning to Arnold, I asked, “How serious were you about the help you offered?”

“I could find you some air breathers, but we couldn’t travel on land without permission from the ruler of Falcon,” stated Arnold.

“I think we can manage that,” I said, causing Julia to stare at me.  I could tell she was running through the chain of events in her head.  “After all, you will be helping to defend Windfall,” I added.  Julia frowned. 

“Fine.  We can grant an exception to anyone crewing this wreck, if they are defending Windfall,” she said, shaking her head.  “If it can somehow be made to float, I’ll even work as the ship’s cook.”

“Excellent,” I said, slotting her in as the ship’s chef.  Next, I turned to Rose and Hansa.  “I’m going to need a Chief Engineer.”

Hansa saluted.  “No problem.”

“Actually, I was talking to Rose,” I said, causing Hansa to deflate.  The issue was that the Nosebleed was a Precursor ship.  While Hansa was a slightly higher ranked Engineer, Rose’s love of reading had earned her the Precursor specialization, according to my menus.

Rose nodded.  “It iz broken.  I need a team of Engineerz to have a chance of getting it up and zailing.”

I brought up Great General and swung down to the Nosebleed.  The second-tier class had far more control over the members of its army than conventional military did.  The options present were powerful and not something a Swashbuckler was supposed to have access to.  Because Glorious Robert was at least a Journeyman Sailor, the entire crew could be improved; because Rose was a Precursor Engineer, I could cheat. 

●        Journeyman Sailors: Your unit gains the Expert Sailors perk, making them far more capable Sailors.  Skill ranks increased to Journeyman.  +100% Skill Point gain until Expert

●        Journeyman Engineers:  Your special unit gains the Expert Engineers perk, granting them all the Engineering skill.  Skill ranks increased to Journeyman.  +100% Skill Point gain until Expert.

Selecting both, I watched Glorious Robert’s eyes open wide. 

“The whole crew?” he asked uncomfortably, glancing over at me.  “This is going to make them incredibly more effective.”

Typically, the War Leader tree could not just grant skills.  Army skills required you to build up the army’s base of operations to account for the skills.  As a Great General and a Swashbuckler, I could spend Talent Points to assign a minimum skill level to an entire unit in my army or the crew of my ship. 

Considering that, I searched and found a talent for Troll Fighters.  I selected it, tagging it to the Dashing Dandies.  Given how much trouble those trolls had been giving Zorlando, it was the least I could do. 

I was already moving onto the next issue.  Now that the ship could be repaired, I needed it repaired quickly.  For that, I brought up my Swashbuckler skill tree.  It was tied to the ship in the same manner as Great General was tied to the Army of Windfall.

●        The Nosebleed has been sunk.  Would you like to conduct emergency repairs?

I tried to select “Yes”, but I got a notification that there were no required materials nearby for making repairs. 

“I need all those Precursor relics,” I said.  Arnold looked at me, then at the ship.  He nodded and quickly swam off. 

“Jim, I wasn’t being serious,” stated Julia uncomfortably.

“You offered,” I replied, shrugging.  Rose began directing her merpeople engineering unit.  She did her best, but, in order to fix the Nosebleed, she would need to first build the tools necessary to make repairs. 

“Is there anything else I could do instead?” Julia asked grumpily.

“I need your orb,” I replied, “Until the repair is complete.”

The princess examined me for an unsettling moment.  Slowly, she reached her hand out.  “He cannot leave the orb.”

“Unnecessary,” I said, taking the orb.  The first piles of Precursor parts were dropped in front of Rose.  She stared at them and began barking out orders to the ten Merengineering unit, while everyone else was busy bringing in more supplies. 

“Shart, I have another Founder’s perk,” I said.  “I need Craftsman Needs No Tools.”

“That Crafting perk?  I guess you could take it.  I mean, there is a station in your mind, but it's going to hurt if I do it from the orb.  I’m basically flying blind in here,” answered Shart.

“Pain is an old friend,” I replied.

I felt the console that was lodged in my mind suddenly come to life.  Badgelor swam up and plopped down on my shoulder.  I instantly got a prompt.

●        No Swashbuckler is complete without his badger.  Would you like to take: Badgelor, Lord of the Badgers, as your companion?  <Yes/No?>

“Just hit ‘Yes’,” said Badgelor.  “Not my first time at this rodeo.”

●        Badgelor has gained the Swashbuckler's companion template.  As he is already an animal companion, this will increase his existing companion tree to include special Swashbuckler talents. 

●        Badgelor has taken Water Breathing.  As you have the Improved Animal Companion perk, you also gain access to this talent.

“Much fecking easier,” said Badgelor, blowing out a breath.

“You were holding your breath?” I asked.

“I have the Breathing skill up to Master,” said Badgelor.  “I can respirate Mana or Stamina.”

“Could have told me,” I grumbled.

“I guess I should have,’ replied Badgelor.  “You have always been straight with me.  I suppose I should trust you more.  Maybe”

●        You have taken the next step down your Path.  Badgelor is now close friends with you.  Your Improved Companion Bond perk expands.  You may now share up to 3 skills or perks.  Badger Rage increased to Badger Rage 2. 

“You’ll like that!  Badger Rage is kind of tame; Badger Rage 2 is much more interesting,” Badgelor exclaimed. 

I nodded.  Badger Rage was a minor buff, at best, to my combat prowess.  Outside of training, I hadn’t really used it much.  Just for fun, I flicked Badger Rage 2 on while the ships’ repairs were ongoing.  I instantly grew several inches taller.  I could also feel hair growing everywhere, including places hair was not meant to be. 

●        Badger Rage 2 activated: 120 seconds remaining.  Strength, Endurance, and Agility all increased by 2.  HP increased by 50% of companion: Badgelor.

“You think you are the only one with decent skills?’ asked Badgelor.  Suddenly, dozens of skills appeared on a list.  Due to our companion bond, I could share a few of them.  I didn’t have time to process all the information, though.  Instead, I focused on repairing the ship.   

I sniffed the water, feeling it flood into my lungs.  It didn’t seem to bother me at all.  There was a circle around me, measuring nearly a dozen logs wide, where no one stood.  I was just going to have to start getting used to that.

Then, the pain struck me.  I was prepared for agony, but it flowed off Badger Rage 2 like water off a phoenix’s back.  I barely even grunted, as Shart flipped whatever switch was necessary to activate the perk.  I felt the perk click in the back of my mind with the sudden realization that I’d been doing everything wrong my whole life. 

●        Craftsman Needs No Tools:  You can complete any repair without any additional tools.  Use your thumb like a screwdriver or your fingers like a wrench.

I banished the prompt and walked over to Rose, who was looking through a small toolbox from the Baldwin.  She gasped when she saw me. 

“I cannot complete the repairz until we make toolz,” she said, holding the small box in front of her defensively.  “There are toolz here, but they were damaged in the zinking.”

I reached into the box and pulled out a bent, corroded adjustable wrench.  I focused on it, feeling my Mana and Stamina flow into the item.  With a tug, I unbent it.  Next, I examined the worm screw and twisted it.  It popped free and allowed the wrench to function normally. 

“Shart, do you have any records of what this ship used to look like?” I asked.

“Of course, Dum Dum,” stated the demon.  “I just have to pull it up from the <system> records.”

“Badgelor, I smell more mithral.  I think there is another wreck down deeper.  Could you bring it back for me?” I asked.  Badgelor lifted himself off my shoulder and transformed into something I had never seen before. 

He looked like his Ultimate form, but his legs were different.  Now, he closely resembled a powerfully built sea lion.

“Nice,” I said, as he swam off into the distance.  He vanished in mere moments.

Arnold swam over to me, looking a bit panicked.  “Lord Badgelor swam off into the depths.  There are powerful creatures down there.”

“He will be careful,” I replied, as Badger Rage 2 expired.  Arnold exhaled, as I adopted more human proportions.  I really needed to see what I looked like in a mirror. 

Handing Rose the wrench, I went to work on the rest of the tools, pulling, twisting, and adjusting them until they were all like new.  Then, I walked over to the ship, grabbing a massive plate of metal that someone had brought from Andersen’s workshop.  I easily placed it against the hull.

Casting Mend, I pushed and pulled the metal until it was smoothly attached to the hull.  That was how work proceeded for the next hour, as I kept slapping pieces of metal into place, Mending them solid, and letting Rose and her crew follow up to make minute adjustments.  Combining magic, skills, and the ability to ignore crafting requirements allowed an absolutely insane amount of work to be completed in a frighteningly short period of time. 

“That’s impressive, but Jim-” started Shart.

“Still not enough,” I said, bringing up my Swashbuckler talent tree.  Now that the ship was nearly fixed, I got access to a handful of ship-based talents.  Because my crew were already at Journeyman ranks in their skills, I purchased the Expert Sea Dog talent.  It bumped all their skills up to Expert rank. 

Rose looked at her tools for a moment, as she took another hit of Breathing potion.  From there, she began refurbishing the components in the engine room.  The rest of her mercrew started attaching small bits to the rest of the ship, finding uses for much of the assorted junk that had been lifted from the cache.  Badgelor had returned several times, leaving more piles in his wake.

“Make sure the masthead looks like me,” demanded the badger, as he swam back toward the deeper parts of the ocean. 

I continued pounding on the ship with my fists, twisting saucer-sized nuts by hand.  All my hard work earned me another Talent Point, which I spent on Efficient Repairs.  It was a Swashbuckler talent that allowed all my repairs to be 25% more effective.  I didn’t need the giant piles of tools that should have been necessary to achieve the task at hand.  I could poke holes into metal with my fingers, if it was necessary for making repairs.  I could weld by rubbing the metal fast enough to make a perfect seam. 

Badgelor hauled up a mostly intact, small craft from some ancient Precursor battle.  I accessed my Salvage skill, breaking the boat down into hundreds of useful components.  At least, I thought there were useful components.  I didn’t have any Precursor talents, but Rose knew what I was doing and made no attempt to stop me.  It seemed like the Salvage skill was satisfactory for taking Precursor items apart.  Afterward, I was able to take another talent, this time choosing the Master Shipwright talent.  It allowed me to select an entire craft as a single object. 

By the time it was dark, the ship had been totally reformed.  The Nosebleed sat on the ocean floor, gleaming in the light of several bioluminescent fish.  The mervillage was running out of Breathing potion, so most of the crew was resting on the beach.  It was just me and a handful of exhausted officers and adventurers when I finally proclaimed the ship was done. 

It was a cathartic moment.  I’d used all my classes to augment each other.  I’d finally realized some of my true potential and been able to achieve the impossible. 

●        Nosebleed: Precursor Frigate.  Length 60 logs.  HP 9225/10800, Crew:  65, Officers:  5 (captain, first officer, weapons officer, chief Engineer, short order cook)

“Hey, Dum Dum, how are you going to get it above water?” asked Shart.  

Chapter 19 - The Duke and Duchess

The Duke of Carrington glared down the Silverado with no small amount of disdain.  The column of people was moving quickly toward his position.  Every so often, someone claiming to be the Mayor would appear.  The duke was slightly surprised that a young woman like Lorraine would fall for a particularly charismatic one’s bullshit.  Yet, here she was. 

The Army of Windfall was another thing, though.  That was the true problem.  Lorraine falling for a “Mayor” could be forgiven, but claiming to be the Captain General of the Army of Windfall was treasonous. 

“Lieutenant, you know what to do here,” stated the duke seriously. 

The young woman nodded sharply, saluted, and turned back to the duke’s army.  He was confident that he had brought enough troops to deal with everything Lorraine had.  However, as her army continued marching, more and more ranks became visible.

“I see other parties with them,” stated the Duchess of Knots, the duke’s cousin.  She frowned.  “They have at least fifteen adventurers.”

“We have twenty.  We will be fine,” stated the duke.  In truth, he was far less comfortable with those numbers than he would have liked.  However, the duchess was watching for any signs of weakness.  If he showed any, she would be happy to deal with him.

The duchess finished passing instructions to her second, who promptly vanished back into her own line.  Her army probably had the same discrete instruction’s that his did.  “Falcon protects the legacy of the Mayor.” 

If these kids thought they were going to be fighting in the next great war against the Dark Overlord, they had another thing coming.  When he’d first heard from Princess Julia, of all people, that the Mayor had fallen from the sky like a comet, he’d been so disappointed.  She had always seemed so level-headed.  Then, she’d gone and killed her father.

That was the secret that every upper member of the Falconian nobility knew.  The Dark Overlord was dead and buried.  He was gone, forever.  He’d been slain by Grebthar himself and locked away, never to return.  A broken Toomen Masterbrooke had given his sworn testimony to the last scion before he had vanished. 

“There was, like, no way he was ever coming back,” whispered the duchess, her own mind having similar thoughts.

Anyone claiming to be the Mayor was lying.  That made it very easy to dismiss these claims, despite the rabble occasionally still falling for them.  The duke was going to try to spare Lorraine the death penalty.  Of course, he would have to imprison her, explain to her the error of her ways, and probably keep her locked up for a year or two.  Then, he could let her back out into polite society.

The problem was that you couldn’t just go around admitting that the basis of the Falconian Union of Crest and Kingdom’s mythical underpinning were a load of shite.  It was bad for business. 

“That’s far enough,” stated the duchess, as Lorraine and Nick bid their army to stop.  Both commanders rode up to the two most powerful people in Falcon. 

As Lorraine and Nick drew closer, hands over hearts and arms outstretched in the classical San Dimas style, the duke held up his hand.  “No, none of that.”

Lorraine looked puzzled for a moment before bringing her hands down.  She spoke loudly, “Lord Duke, why are you here?”

“I am to understand that you have taken up the mantle of Captain General of the Army of Windfall,” stated the duke. 

“Yes, my lord.  I encountered the Mayor himself on his way to save my estate from a horde of the undead,” stated Lorraine.  The duke began to speak, but Lorraine wasn’t finished. “After defeating the army, the Mayor then journeyed to the Black Temple to rescue the princess.  In his wrath, he utterly destroyed the temple.”

That gave the duke pause.  The Black Temple was a powerful necromantic source that had plagued part of the valley for generations.  Hundreds of adventurers had died there before it was closed off.  Had it really been destroyed?

“You are saying the Mayor, this Jim fellow, destroyed the temple?  He did it all by himself?” asked the duchess.  She had done a bit of inquiry about the Mayor.  The duke had stopped caring the moment he discovered his name. 

“Lord Badgelor was with him, of course,” replied Nick, nodding.  “I might add that he was far more fearsome in person than the stories suggested.” 

“You are positive that it was the real Badgelor?” asked the duke, his chill voice cutting through the murmurs behind him.  If he wanted to rehabilitate the girl, he needed to give Lorraine an out. 

“I will admit that I wasn’t sure.  Not at first,” replied Nick, “But then I spoke at length with the Progenitor, back in the caravan that the Mayor bade us escort.  She fully backs that Badgelor is the real deal.”

The duchess was about to say something but stopped herself.  Changing course, she asked, “He brought a Progenitor?”

“Of course, he did.  He’s the Mayor,” replied Lorraine.

“Where is his crown?” asked the duchess.

“I don’t know.  He did not have any of the Treasures of Rule with him.  He only had Grebthar’s Sword,” replied Lorraine.

“A forgery,” declared the duke.

“Hardly,” snapped Nick.  “I am a Paladin of Rogers.  I used Truth Telling on the blade.  I can assure you that Grebthar himself wielded the Mayor’s blade.”

“That’s enough,” said the duke, nodding at the duchess.  They were going to have to do this the hard way.  “Soldiers, for the honor of Falcon!”

With that mighty proclamation, his army, in perfect drill, rotated ninety degrees and backed off the Silverado.

“Falcon stands with its Mayor,” screamed his Lieutenant.

Chapter 20 - A Perfectly Rational Response

“Feck,” I screamed, glaring at the ship with my eyes full of hatred.  “Wait, what about Julia?  She could make a barrier from inside the ship and push all the water out of it.  Then, we can hook ropes to it from the beach and pull it up.”

“Jim, water is really heavy.  I can’t exactly push a huge volume of it away with my barriers,” said Julia.

“Mera could do it,” I grumbled, glaring at the ship.

“I don’t know who that is,” yelled Julia, waving her hands around angrily and storming off.

“Jim,” said Rose uncomfortably, “I have tried to make more of the inflatable bagz like you requezted, but there iz not enough material left.  It will take dayz to make more, even with your help.”

I activated Improvised Tools again, searching the sea floor for anything I could use.  For some reason, I couldn’t find all the pieces to make any working contraption. 

“Badgelor, can you lift it?” I asked.

“Are you daft?  It must weigh more than a dragon, and I know I can’t lift one of those,” hissed the badger. 

“I have an idea.  You could try to suck all the water out using your dimensional storage.  Then, just float the ship to the surface,” said Shart.

“You said that wouldn’t work,” I growled.

“Well, I also said you couldn’t lift it, but you seem bent on rehashing old ideas, Stupid,” said Shart.  I exhaled noisily and turned to look at Arnold and Andersen.  Andersen was mildly upset with me.  I’d snapped at Hansa for one of her more hairbrained schemes and nearly made her cry.  Suffice it to say, I was growing frustrated.   

“First officer?” I asked, causing Andersen to stiffen.  He huffed but swam toward me.

“I agree that your plan for improvising a massive ballast tank to cause the ship to rise should work.  The only problem is that I don’t have anything that matches the component you’d need here,” he said carefully.

“I know.  I have men on the island searching for one,” I replied.

Andersen said nothing for a long moment, until Arnold prodded him.  Finally, the young man sighed.  “I don’t think there are any chickens on the island.”

“Then YOU explain to ME how I’m supposed to build an advanced ballast tank?” I growled.  Andersen stepped back, and Arnold took a cautious step toward me. 

“Why would you need a chicken for that?  You'd have to go to the continent to find one, and it would take days,” he said.  I ignored him.  There had to be a solution here.

“Jim, you are exhausted.  You need to rest,” said Shart finally.  “Maybe something will come to you tomorrow.”

I stared at my pristine new ship, which was doing everything it needed to, except float.  I knew sleep would not come.  Rose was nearly passed out, and she was gripping her arm uncomfortably.  Everyone was exhausted.  We’d have to wait until tomorrow.

“Let me see your arm,” I said, casting Regenerate on Rose.  She started to squawk in protest, but, as the Healing Magic flowed into her, she relaxed. 

“Are you calmed down now?” asked Julia, swimming back up to me. 

“I suppose.  We need to get to Windfall, but I just can’t come up with an idea for getting the ship out of the ocean,” I replied, sighing deeply.

“Well, what you did so far was impressive.  I think we might have better luck when more people are awake and rested.  Maybe we could get enough merpeople with ropes and just pull it to the shore or something,” ventured Julia.

Hansa and Andersen swam past us.  Hansa stopped just long enough to stick her tongue out at me. 

“I deserved that,” I said, and she grinned. 

“No worries!  Look, I just found my new pet.  He’s a flounder.  I think I’m going to name him Guppy,” Hansa grinned.

“That’s a tuna fish,” replied Andersen with a low chuckle.

“He bit me,” grumbled Rose.  Julia inhaled sharply.

“Jim has that look again,” the princess said, her eye’s widening.  “That look always means something terrible is about to happen!”

Fifteen minutes later, Hansa was sobbing.  “Why?”

“That fish knows what it did,” said Rose, as the massive air bladder began to inflate.  Now that I had the proper lubricant, the rest was easy going.  Mostly.

“I don’t understand what just happened,” Julia stated, looking horrified.

“This chicken of the sea is pretty good,” Badgelor remarked, chowing down on some tuna guts I hadn’t needed.  Once finished, my furry companion swam over to help me. 

“It's still not lifting off,” I groaned, walking over to the side of the ship and lifting.  I felt it go slightly.  I grabbed it and focused on lifting the object with every fiber of my being, even as Badgelor and Arnold started to lift as well.  Julia, being far more intelligent than I, asked Rose for help.  The Engineer had constructed a golden pry bar that the girls and several merpeople were using to lever the ship up. 

“It has to move!” I yelled, concentrating harder.

●        You have learned the skill Power Lift.  You are unskilled.  You may expend Stamina to directly increase the amount you can lift.

I dumped Stamina into my body and lifted.  My feet sank into the silt until I hit the rock shelf that the Nosebleed had been sitting on.  Then, my feet started sinking into the stone, as my hands dug into the metal of the ship.  Finally, there was the piercingly loud sound of metal tearing free. 

“It was caught on something,” yelled Hansa as the ship broke loose.

“Oh,” was all I managed.  The massive air bladders dragged the ship to the surface like a mentos emptying a Coke bottle.  I had placed the inflatable bladders on either side of the ship; when it rose out of the water, it couldn’t tip over.  I had not anticipated it shooting straight into the air.

For one brief, glorious moment, I was an airship captain.  Then, the Nosebleed started to descend.  It landed in the most impressive bellyflop in the history of ever, right on top of me. 

From underneath the ship, I spotted a sizable hole.  The heavy rock had torn right through the keel when the ship broke free.  The compartments this low were all watertight, so the ship wouldn’t sink.  Still, that was a pretty bad hole, and I’d have to get it checked out.  There were pretty fishies swimming all around my head in a little circle. 

“Jim, this is your friendly, neighborhood Shart talking,” came a voice.

“Hello, I’m Jim,” I replied, because that sounded like the friendly thing to do.

“So, the ship pretty much landed on your head,” continued the voice.

“Oh, that sounds like it's not much fun,” I replied.  “There are fishies swimming all around me.”

“They are probably eating the brains that are leaking from the back of your skull,” continued the voice.  “Can you cast Regenerate on yourself?”

“Anything for you, funny voice,” I replied. I tried to remember what Regenerate was.  I thought it was some sort of food that I didn’t care for.  Luckily, just as my vision was turning funny, I remembered it was a spell.  I cast it in the manner that seemed correct.

●        Injury: Cranial fracture, serious brain trauma.  You have been knocked senseless.  

“How would we ever tell?” asked the funny voice.

“That doesn’t sound good,” I said, as the spell began knitting my brains back into my head.  Each moment of that was uncomfortable.  Thankfully, after about six seconds, the effect ended, and the pain washed over me.  It was a dull throbbing ache, but I could manage.

Badgelor swam up, holding a massive mithral plate in his paw.  “Ooh, brains!  My favorite.”

“No!” yelled Shart.  “Those are Jim’s.”

“Aw, man.  That sucks.  Those look tasty, but you sure can’t spare any,” the badger said.  He sounded very disappointed.  “So, are you going to keep swimming around here, or are you going to patch that hole?”

“Sorry,” I responded.  “I had a more pressing hole to patch.”  Soon enough, all my insides were back on the inside, right where they belonged.  Taking the metal, I pressed it against the keel and cast Mend.  Then, I smoothed out the edges with my Crafting skill, leaving the ship’s keel looking practically brand new.  I was about to be the first person to set foot on it, now that the ship was floating, sort of.

“That’s really low in the water,” stated Badgelor.

●        Nosebleed is at 94% maximum capacity before sinking.  Please remove some weight.  The ship is full of water!

●        Level up, Swashbuckler 2.  At least it floats.  

“It's fine,” I said, bringing up the Swashbuckler talent tree and finding the talent for Improved Bilge Pumps.  They began blasting water from the ship for all of eight seconds before they stopped.  The ship was still full of water, and the pumps were out of Mana. 

“You need to be on the ship,” said Shart.

Grumbling, I swam over to the side, only to have Hansa blast past me.  That girl could swim just like a mermaid.  Her hands quickly found the rungs to a side ladder.  She was on the deck before I’d had a chance to climb more than two rungs. 

Hopping onto the deck, I had to admit that the Nosebleed was a rather impressive sight.  The ship was longer and thinner than the Baldwin had been, but most of it was metal, as opposed to the wooden hull of Glorious Robert’s previous ship.  I knocked on the deck and heard the ring of aluminum through my Engineering skill.

“I’m surprised the ship isn’t made of steel,” I said casually.

“For a boat?” asked Badgelor, coming up behind me.  “Aluminum is much lighter, and the hull is mithral.  That’s the greatest possible combination of strength and speed!”

On Ordinal, metals worked differently than on Earth.  It was just a fact that I had to accept.  I brought up my Engineering skill again and compared steel vs aluminum for the ship’s frame.  Badgelor was right.  Aluminum was a higher tier metal, and this aluminum was actually an alloy on top of that.  In short, the frame was almost as strong as steel but at a fraction of the weight.  The mithral hull, on the other hand, was heavier, but it had a property that vastly improved its performance.

●        Mithral Hull: Reduces friction on any surface by 80%.

Everything had drag.  Removing 80% of that drag all but ensured that the ship would be faster than the Baldwin.  I grinned, looking up at the newly risen sun.  It had taken all night, but we were just about ready to go.

Chapter 21 - Epic Preparation

“Finish storing the supplies in the aft cargo deck,” yelled Glorious Robert.  The Fisherman strolled across the deck of his new ship, while I waited impatiently by the wheel.  I was staring at the sun as it moved slowly across the horizon.

“I think I smell fish stew,” said Badgelor.  “Is it dinner time already?”

“I hate you,” I groaned, causing the badger to grin.

The new members of the crew acted like old hands, and the Baldwin’s old crew was a well-oiled machine.  No one was used to the new ship, however.  Once they began to get adjusted, it turned out that I’d missed a few things.

Those minor things included food, weapons, ammo for the weapons, a sail, which I was still bitter about, and a million other things.  Some of the items were easy fixes.  The merfolk were lifting provisions from the bottom of the ocean and hoisting them into the ship's holds.  Other items were more problematic.  If you are thinking to yourself, “Man, that sounds like it would take forever.” you would be right.  Yet, it had somehow gotten worse.

“Oui, there iz an engine room,” said Rose, as we toured below decks.  “There iz no engine.  That iz a separate Precurzour item.  Can you “Jim” me up one of thoze?”

I couldn’t.  The engines from the older Precursor wrecks had not been made from materials that could survive underwater for millennia.  They had mostly disintegrated.  The few bits Badgelor had been able to find were far less than what I’d need to build a new one.  My Improvised Tools skill, now Advanced, was not up to the task of making an ICE engine.

ICE stood for Inner Core Engine on Ordinal. 

That left us with a ship that had no means of locomotion.  Eventually, Hansa figured out how to activate the emergency masts.  They were telescoping and popped right out of the hull.  The one in the middle popped right off the ship and landed in the water. 

It was the biggest and heaviest mast, of course. 

After the middle mast had been remounted, there had been the issue of the sails. For some reason, the underwater merpeople didn’t actually use sails for any reason.  The Baldwin’s had been thoroughly burned, so that wasn’t an option.  I’d resorted to searching the island for ideas.  I returned to the Nosebleed with enough leaves to craft sails using Improvised Tools, Mend, and a lot of prayer.

Also swearing.

“That was the last bit,” said Glorious Robert, clapping his hands.  “We are ready to go.”

I glared at my captain for a long moment.  He glared right back at me.

“Don’t you even try that “Mayor” bs on me, BFF of Sir Dalton,” yelled Glorious Robert. “This should have taken weeks to get ready, and you did it in a day.  There were going to be issues, but we’ve handled them.”

“We need to protect Windfall and your wife,” I growled.

Glorious Robert’s expression further hardened.  “You don’t think I know that?  That pirate bitch might have a way to break the barrier.  If she does, my wife is in danger.  Everyone is in danger, but we are sailing through the Inner Sea.  We aren’t good to anyone dead.”

I nodded slowly, as Glorious Robert stomped off.  The bright green sails rose up, catching the fitful breeze.  The ship slowly began to move forward. 

●        Sail: Garbage Quality.  What idiot made this?  Primary component: Leaves.

“You made a sail out of leaves to sail through dangerous waters,” stated Shart.

“I didn’t have any other choice,” I grumbled. 

“I’ve sailed with worse,” said Badgelor.  “All we need to do is find one of the queen’s ships and go all pirate on it.”

As we waited for the wind to pick up, I glanced around at the crew.  A young man walking past us caught my attention. 

“Is he unattractive?” I asked, looking first at him, then to the rest of the crew. 

“What do you mean?” asked Shart.

“I mean, he’s like a six in Ohio, but, here on Ordinal, he’s the least attractive person I’ve seen in a while.”  I thought back.  If an individual was well-fed and healthy, they generally fell somewhere between pretty good to downright hot.

“That’s above average in Ohio?” chuckled Badgelor.

“Don’t mind Jim.  Earth doesn’t have a Comeliness stat,” said Shart, shaking his head.  “Unless you have a trait that impacts your looks, I’d say that man is about the low bar.” 

I realized he was right.  When we’d first started working on the castle, I’d realized I could check a person’s Comeliness stat, which was the rating of how attractive they were.  At the time, I’d been looking for high numbers for perfectly normal and non-jealous reasons.  Now that I looked around, I realized the number of low numbers was almost non-existent. 

“Wait, does that mean I’m not good looking?” I realized.

“Of course not!  You are better than average, but you are still pretty normal when it comes to adventurers on Ordinal,” stated Shart. 

“There’s always makeup, if you want to make yourself look better,” chuckled Badgelor.  I reeled from the psychological blow.  On Earth, I would have been considered attractive, in the “best looking guy at the bar” vein.  On Ordinal, I was about as attractive as any of the other adventurers. 

I ran back through everyone I could remember and realized that Sir Dalton and Charles, the murdering asshole, were the only two people that were noticeably better looking than anyone else.  People didn’t normally scar, and the default rate for Comeliness was basically +1.  Very few people were at that level. 

“This is a TV show,” I muttered.

“That’s what Charles used to say,” replied Badgelor.  “Man, I want to eat him.”

The first actual breeze caught the sails, and the ship surged forward.  My Sailor skill fired off to compensate.  I kept expecting the rows of leaves to blow apart, but I’d used Mend an uncomfortable number of times.  The entire sail appeared to be one humongous, thick leaf.  I pointed at it and cast Regenerate, causing the sail to turn a bit greener for a moment.

“How much longer is this going to work?” I asked.

“Are you asking if casting Regenerate on your hodge-podge leaf sail is going to keep it alive long enough to get to Windfall?” groused Shart.  “I have no idea, Dum Dum.  The sail is all large and impressive, but I don’t know how long you get to keep this green giant.  It’s not like I’ve ever witnessed this particular stupid act before.”

“Ho ho ho,” I grumbled.

“Happy Grebthar Day,” grinned Badgelor.  “What we really need are some rousing sea shanties.”

“I know a few of those,” I said, “Like What Would You Do with a Drunken Sailor?”

“Put him in a longboat until he’s sober,” groaned Badgelor.  “No, I mean some real sea shanties!”

I had never heard an Ordinal sea shanty before.  I looked down at my furry, little friend and nodded.  “What do you have?”

Badgelor slapped his paw on the ground and looked around.  The crew got out of the way in a hurry.  When Badgelor began grunting out the tune, the entire ship started singing along.  Of course, I was right next to Badgelor, so I got to hear him the loudest.

I thought I heard the old man say

Eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em!

Tomorrow ye will get your pay

Then, it's time for you to leave here.

Eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em

Oh, eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em,

The voyage is done, and your stomach will show,

And it's time for you to eat them!

Oh, the dragon was bad, but her fire was worse.

Eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em!

She’ll burn you down with a fire and a curse,

And it's time for you to eat ‘em!

Eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em

Oh, eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em,

Oh, the voyage is done, and your stomach will show,

And it's time for you to eat them!

Bite the lizard and eat your fill.

Eat ‘em, Badgelor, eat ‘em!

Oh, bite her wings and bite her bill,

And it's time for you to eat ‘em!

“Wait,” I said, as the whole crew continued, “I’ve heard that song before.  On Earth, it doesn’t involve a badger.”

“Sounds like a sad mockery of a great song, Dum Dum,” stated Shart. 

“This is actually kind of nice.  It reminds me of home,” I said, getting comfortable.  The crew continued singing Badgelor’s praises.  “Well, kind of, anyway.”

As the shanty finished, Glorious Robert stepped up.  “What is all this?”  He glared around at the crew.  “Starting off with a song about Badgelor eating dragons?  On my ship?  All ye lily-livered land lovers know I’m a badgerman!”

There once was a ship that put to sea

The name of the ship was the Badger of Tea

The winds blew up, her bow dipped down

Oh blow, my badgerboys, blow (huh)

Soon may the badgerman come

To bring us fighting, and food, and fun

One day, when the eating is done

We'll take our badger home!

She'd not been two weeks from the shore

When down on her a dragon did soar

The captain called “All hands” and swore

He'd leave that beast for Badgelor

Soon may the badgerman come

To bring us fighting, and food, and fun

One day, when the eating is done

We'll take our badger home!

Before the dragon hit the water

Badgelor came up for slaughter

All hands to the side, while the badger fought her

When he drove her down below (huh)

“Not to give Badgelor too big a head, but how many sea shanties does Ordinal have involving the furry turd?” I asked.

“Good question,” said Shart.  “I think he’s in pretty much all of them.”

Suddenly, Hansa stood up.  “My turn!”  She glanced at Twinkle, who gave a concerning thumbs up.

Badgelor Near!

Badgelor Far!

Holy Jumping, Fecking Grebthar!

Claws go up, claws go down

We don’t even feck around!

Awooga, Awooga!

Fight, Fight!

Hansa inhaled deeply.  What followed was a stream of obscenities that was both far longer and more comprehensive than anything I would have expected from such an angelic face.  Julia looked shocked.  Twinkle looked amazed. 
“I can’t believe she said that,” said Julia.

“What, the dirty old-” I began.

“No,” Julia cut me off.

“Motherfu-,” I started

“Jim, please,” said Julia, looking disappointed.  She lowered her voice to a whisper. “‘Gobble Gobble Goo’, I mean, she’s really much too young to be using that phrase.”

“I don’t know what that means,” I said.

“Well-” began Twinkle.  Julia glared at him so harshly that I thought he actually took a few Hit Points of Damage.  The elf wisely shrank away. 

“Who the feck are you?” asked Julia, rounding on me.  “Seriously, who doesn’t know what that means?”  She threw her hands up and walked away, in the opposite direction of Twinkle.  Many more sea shanties were sung.  After the tenth or so, I looked off into the distance and spotted our first pirate adventure. 

Chapter 22 - The Mayor and the Princess

“It's the mast,” said Glorious Robert, as he snapped Hansa’s long range thingadoo closed.  I squinted.  With the other ship bobbing like it was, it was hard to tell.  However, when I activated my Engineering skill, the problem was plainly obvious.

“Their mast isn’t sticking straight up,” said Badgelor.

“Wait, you have Engineering?” I asked.

“No, I can sail, you nitwit,” replied the badger.  He stood straight up on my shoulder, placing one clawed paw into the top of my head.  “I’m surprised they didn’t take it down.  It looks like we must have broken it below deck.”

“You’re sure it’s the same ship from a couple days ago?” I asked.  Both Glorious Robert and Badgelor nodded.

I didn’t know that much about masts.  The Baldwin’s mast went straight through the deck of the ship.  It went all the way to the step, which was, more or less, a socket in the keel for the mast to sit in.  The pirates’ mast was leaning slightly, so I didn’t know what the hell was going on with it.  They were slow, though, and that meant we could catch them quickly.

***

“It's a metal boat,” said newly appointed Captain Icarus, squinting and blinking again. “With green sails?”

“I have no idea,” replied Mario, his second in command.  “It just looks odd to me.  The ship is too thin, and it's coming at us too quickly.”

“Great, they have a magical sail,” replied the captain, frowning and looking at his main mast.  “I don’t trust our mast for any serious maneuvers.”

“It's a metal boat that’s faster than us, and it's coming right this way,” said Mario.  “We’re screwed.”

“Don’t let the crew hear you say that,” chided the captain quietly.  They had all noticed the fast-moving ship coming directly astern.  “Maybe they were escorting that fishing boat?”

“I hope not.  We kind of burned that ship to the water line, and we don’t have the queen with us now,” said Mario.  “I don’t think she got the other adventurer.  That means they probably have at least one, and no one knows what happened to the rest of his party.  Plus, they are probably pretty pissed off about that whole burned ship thing.”

“We could just surrender,” joked the captain.

“I don’t care if the whole ship is full of adventurers, and they have a magical, living sail.  If we just surrender, the queen will find us and skin us alive.  It’s better to go down fighting,” said Mario. 

“Point,” sighed the captain, as he yelled down to the weapon’s chief.  “Get the ballista unlimbered!  We have a ship chasing us.”

“They are damn near on top of us,” said Mario, watching them carefully for a long moment.  “They will be here in around six hours.”

***

“Every pirate movie I ever saw lied to me,” I said uncomfortably, as Julia handed me a bowl of fish stew. 

“What, did you think this was like a land battle?” she chided, shaking her head.  Several more of the deck crew took their lunches and sat around.  Now that the sail was set, there was not much for the crew to do but wait.  Once we grew closer to the enemy, the ship would turn into a hotbed of activity.

“Sort of,” I groaned, taking a bite of my food.  Julia was getting better.  The stew actually tasted like some sort of food, not just spoiled fish guts.  “I thought I said you didn’t have to be the cook anymore.”

“You SAID I didn’t.  Then, you forgot to change my role in the ship’s log.  I just kind of walked down to the galley and started making Badgie Snacks.  The stew is my latest concoction,” said Julia.  She traced her finger through a line of dribbled stew on her tray and licked it.  “It's not poisonous.”

“I think I have a crew buff that would improve your Cooking skill,” I said, bringing up my Swashbuckler menu.

“Crew buffs don’t work on adventurers, dear,” said Julia with a chuckle.  “Army buffs help the professional people, not us mighty adventurers.  We don’t need the help.”

I side-eyed her.  She stuck out her tongue a bit and watched the crew rest, roll dice, and play cards.

“Grebthar wouldn’t approve of that classist statement,” I said.

“You’d be surprised,” responded Julia.  Glancing around, she saddled up closer to me.  “After a certain number of Remorts, his earlier ‘All people are created equal’ stance was quite frayed.  That’s where most of this Chosen talk actually comes from.  He was better when he was the Mayor.”

I considered that.  Obviously, I wanted to kill Charles.  That was first and foremost in my mind.  However, I also wondered what it would be like to Remort that many times.  The first time had been kind of rough for me, but Charles had done it over a dozen times.  That had to mess with you. 

Fortunately, I wasn’t above killing a crazy person.  Perhaps I was just a bit crazy myself.

“Now that we are headed to Windfall,” I said seriously, “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Oh?” cooed Julia, “I'm interested.  Let me guess!  It’s some super-secret Remort thing, and you’ll only tell me because we are all close like that?”

“I’m the Mayor of Windfall,” I said flatly.  Julia looked at me seriously for a moment, nodded, and then guffawed.

“Okay, BFF of Sir Dalton,” she said finally.

I checked my character sheet.  I was still locked to that title.  It had been granted to me by a king less than twenty-four hours ago.  Badgelor facepalmed.

“I really am,” I continued lamely.  “That comet that fell from the sky? That was me and Shart.”

“<Kevin>,” corrected Julia.  “I seem to recall summoning <Kevin> from limbo.”

“He was banished there by a wizard before I fought the Dark Overlord,” I said. 

“Well, obviously.  You fought the Dark Overlord?” she asked seriously.  “I assume you easily defeated him.”

“Badgelor and I managed to almost defeat him.  I barely survived,” I said, remembering that dark day.

“That sounds rough,” stated Julia, “But with the real Badgelor by your side, you should have won easily.”

“The Dark Overlord is really powerful,” I said.  “I was able to blast him in the chest with a bolt of Plasma.  That killed him, but he resurrected.”

“Good call!  Everything is weak against Plasma,” said Julia, nodding.

“Then, he threw me through a Demon Door, and that’s where I found you,” I said, running out of steam.  Julia continued nodding.

“All done?” she asked.  “How do you want me to reward you?  I can see about a sizable sum of gold from the treasury when we get back to Falcon.”  Her eyes narrowed.  “Or did you, perhaps, want some other kind of reward?” 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Julia smiled seductively.  “I can see where this is going.  You saved the world, and now you want the princess for your spoils, you big, powerful Remort.”

“What?” I asked.  Julia’s seductive face collapsed, and she laughed so hard she fell over. 

“Look, that was a better story than most, but we are about to enter into combat.  As far as pickup lines go, ‘I’m the Mayor of Windfall’ from a Remort would have worked on almost anyone,” said Julia.  She rolled her eyes and stood up.  “Seriously, do you know how many Mayors of Windfall have come to a princess of Falcon to tell us of their great victory over the Dark Overlord?”

“I might have heard you mention something about it before,” I stuttered.

“Hundreds!  Every year, some up-and-coming person shows up proclaiming themself the heir to Grebthar or the Mayor, or says that the Dark Overlord is returning,” said Julia.  Sighing exhaustedly, she added, “I remember how amazed I was the first time I heard it.  My father laughed at the man and sent him on his way.”

“It's that common a thing?” I asked.

“Of course!  I’m pretty much obligated to marry the Mayor of Windfall, should he arise in my lifetime,” replied Julia, before slapping her hip.  “And the new mayor always wants a down payment.”

“What if the Mayor was a woman?” I asked.

“I’m pretty much obligated to marry the Mayor of Windfall, should she arise in my lifetime.  If she’s not down for that, one of my cousins would probably do,” said Julia.  “Just to be clear, I’d switch teams for the Mayor.”

“Really?  I didn’t take you for a lesbian,” I said.

“Honey, no one is that straight,” replied Julia.  “If the Mayor of Windfall needs me to do anything, I’m game.”

“I’ll remember that,” I said.

“You should.  I’m prepared to offer you up to him on a silver platter,” smiled Julia sweetly.  “You are the only Remort I’ve ever even seen, and that trick with the boat was utterly amazing.  If you could have gotten it out of the water without the three hours of screaming, I might have even believed you just now.”

“It was not three hours,” I grumbled.

“It totally was,” said Shart.

“You shut up,” I griped.

“Oh, the temerity!  A low-born telling me to shut up,” grinned Julia.  “I could have you thrown in jail.”

“I’m pretty good at breaking out of those,” I smiled.

“Good point,” the princess smiled.  Without warning, the smile slipped.  “Just don’t go around throwing that title out, not even as a joke,” said Julia sternly.  “A fool claiming he’s the Mayor is funny.  A Remort making that claim would get the full ire of Falcon thrown at them.”

“You’re saying I’m a fool?” I asked.  

“You are the one who tried the oldest pickup line in the book,” she grinned and headed back to the galley.

Julia tolerated cooking and actually liked interacting with everyone.  I guessed being the ship’s cook was a good fit for her, as long as we were going to be stuck on a boat.  She was just the kind of person who liked to stay busy. 

“You are screwed,” said Shart.

“Always,” I replied.  “Why this time in particular?”

“Just because her royal highness is in the kitchen doesn’t mean she’s going to shake off her shoes and check “Yes” on a pregnancy,” the demon replied.

“What?” I asked, in the confused manner to which Shart had grown accustomed.

“I just don’t think you and she are going to be a match made in Heaven,” Shart further explained.  “I know I’m a demon, and that puts a slight strain on my understanding of human-on-human interactions.  Still, I believe I know you well enough to know that any marriage between you two is doomed.   

“Surely she didn’t mean that she was actually obligated to marry me?” I asked.

“They are the royal family of Falcon.  They don’t stay in charge by being stupid.  They also don’t stay in charge by having morals when it is inconvenient,” said Badgelor.  He had been uncharacteristically quiet, and that did not evoke a sense of ease. 

“Well, shit,” I grumbled, walking back to the foredeck to stare at the other boat. 

Chapter 23 - He Flies Through the Air

“Range,” yelled Hansa.  All three of the port ballistae loosed in unison.  The ballista bolts sailed over the water, slamming into the rear of the enemy ship in a glorious staccato. 

●        Ballista bolts X 3: 392 points of Damage, Armor reduces Damage by 342 points, total 50 Damage.  Enemy Hull has 7292/7500 Hit Points remaining. 

“How long do those take to reload?” I asked.

“About two minutes,” yelled Hansa, before screaming at her weapon crews, “If they aren’t lollygagging!”

She stormed over to one of the ballistas and started showing its crew how reloading was properly done.  The process involved lots of pointing and swearing.

“Sir Dalton is going to kill you,” stated Glorious Robert.

“I mean, that last one was offensive to men, pet lovers, and most of the northern region,” I said, shaking my head.  “Seriously, where did she learn all those words?”

“I have no idea,” said Glorious Robert, glancing over at Twinkle.  I was going to have a talk with that elf.  Maybe he knew who had been teaching Hansa to swear like a hardened criminal. 

I gave Glorious Robert a look and shrugged.  “Maybe Rose got a book on creative swearing.”

“That must be it,” agreed Glorious Robert. 

“Did she just call Twinkle a Keeb?” I asked.  I thought I had heard Julia calling Twinkle that word as well, which explained a lot. 

“Yes,” grumbled the elf, as he walked past me, “And a knife ear.”  Twinkle was honestly upset.  He even wiped away a singular tear.  I was going to have to talk with both Julia and Hansa about upsetting the elf.  It wasn’t a good idea for anyone, especially not the two bullies.  

The other ship finally returned fire, sending two ballista bolts whizzing past us.  One slammed into the side of the hull with a ping and bounced off with no Damage.  The other one flew over the deck, and I batted it away with my sword.  The bolt was lifted high enough that it didn’t hit anyone or anything. 

“Was that Powerful Block?” asked Glorious Robert, impressed.

“Yes, I picked it up in Falcon,” I replied, as all three of our ballistas replied to their attack.  Our trio of bolts tore into the side of the wooden ship, doing slight amounts of Damage.  The naval duel continued unabated. 

By the thirty-minute mark, I was sitting on the side of the ship watching.  Bolts were flying back and forth over the deep ocean.  Pirate movies had done me wrong.  This was not exciting in the least.  Badgelor plopped down next to me.

“I figure it will be another hour or two before they really get serious,” stated the badger.

“Unless something dramatic happens, like someone gets a lucky shot, this is it?  We just keep doing this for hours?” I groaned.  Movies had done me so, so wrong.

An enemy bolt went high.  Twinkle, who was doing the defending at the moment, didn’t realize they would fire that high.  The elf tried to rapidly climb the foresail, but all he managed to do was tear a huge hole in the leaves.  Then, the bolt hit.  Several lines of rigging snapped, causing the entire sail to flutter down.  In the process, the sail ripped itself to shreds.

That, of course, dropped our speed considerably.  The slow gains we had been making on the pirate ship were erased, and it began to open the range again. 

“Pisser,” yelled Glorious Robert, as a large chunk of the sail vanished over the side of the ship.  It disappeared into the murky depths, even as Rose’s team desperately worked to save it. 

“At leazt ze mazt iz ztill intact,” said Rose.  A quiet moment passed, as I examined the springy metal pole.  The moment was broken by Hansa, who began swearing at her weapons crew again.  Rose winced in response.

In the background, I heard Julia yelling, “He has that look again!  I hate that look!”

***

Captain Icarus sighed happily.  The metal terror that had been bearing down on them slowed.  His ship would be out of range in half an hour or less, and they hadn’t suffered any critical damage.  He took a moment to walk back into his day cabin to offer a prayer to McKenzie, god of the ocean.  He also took a long swig from his flask.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.  “It's-a me, Mario.”

“What’s wrong now?” groaned Icarus.

“Their foremast is bending,” said Mario uncomfortably.

“Is it collapsing?” hoped Icarus.

“I have no idea.  You better come take a look at this,” replied Mario.

***

“This is incredibly stupid, even for you,” yelled Julia.  Badgelor continued marching across the deck, the heavy rope he held pulling the mast further and further down.

“Nothing is too stupid for me,” I shot back, grabbing the tip of the mast and lining up with the target. “Just a bit more!”

“It iz going to break,” yelled Rose.  Her face grew a pale, sickly shade. 

“Not yet,” I cried from the tip of the mast. 

“Not to be a party pooper here, Dum Dum,” said Shart, “But are you sure this is wise?  I hate to agree with Julia, especially since she has not been privy to ALL your stupid ideas, but she is correct.  This is incredibly stupid, even for you. 

“It may be a bit ill-advised,” I replied, “But we need that sail.”

Something in my gut told me that was enough, and I waved at Badgelor.  His mighty claws were dug deeply into the deck.  “You better hurry.”

I felt the ship gently rolling underneath me, every bit of it amplified by the mast.  Even bent as it was, the mast was still mostly straight..ish.  I inhaled sharply, clutching the short length of rope I was holding.  Then, I slashed through Badgelor’s line.

It turned out that I was right.  The metal mast could bend enough to become an impromptu catapult, if one was crazy or stupid enough to try.  I was a bit of both.  The full might of Ultimate Badgelor had been applied to the mast, and, when I cut the rope, I went soaring. 

I stuck out my arms, feeling the wind coursing around me.  I was able to adjust my arms to slightly control my flight path, and I straighten out.

●        You have learned the skill Flight.  You are unskilled.  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  It’s a moron in the sky.

Armed with my new skill, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to really fly without better equipment or a much higher skill level.  I didn’t need that now, though.  I used the skill to angle in for the next stage of my brilliant plan. 

I had aimed perfectly.  Unfortunately, perfect aim was not ideal here. I had used my artillery skills to aim the weapon, but those skills were for catapults that launched stones at an enemy.  They were not skills to be used when trying to deliver a person to a target.  In short, I was coming in straight toward the deck at a highly concerning rate of speed.

Using Flight, I dove.  I aimed just short of the ship, and, at the last moment, I used Airborne Control to jump up.  Doing so effectively ended my flight.  It also left me flying toward the side of the ship at an insane speed.  The next moment, my feet touched the water, and I was ready to begin the next stage of my plan.  Using my Water-Skiing skill, I was going to jump over the ship and then use the sails to stop myself. 

The idea was perfect.

I hit the water a bit faster than I had expected, but I could manage that.  I was going fast enough that my Skiing skill allowed me to barely control myself.  All I needed to do was jump at the right moment.  Then, I saw the obstacle.

●        Jump check required: Attempting to jump: the shark.

***

“Grebthar’s Ghost,” yelled Icarus, grabbing a crossbow, “He’s going to jump over the ship and use the sails to stop himself.”

“He can fly,” yelled Mario, paling.  “We can’t fight against that.  He'll be here any second.”

“Any second,” replied Icarus, signaling the deck crew to prepare themselves.

“Any second,” continued Mario, gripping his belaying pin hard enough to turn his knuckles white. 

“Several seconds ago,” said Icarus after a long moment.

“Many seconds ago,” replied Mario.  “Did you feel the ship shake?”

“I thought we hit a rock,” replied the captain.

Mario walked to the side of the ship and looked over.  “Oh, no, it looks like we just ran over a shark somehow.  The poor thing is carved in half.” 

“Well, where the hell did the flying man go?” asked Icarus.  He joined Mario and glanced down to the ship’s apparent roadkill.  

***

●        ...fractures of the L2 and L4 vertebrae.  You  have ruptured your right testicle.  You also suffer 428 of Impact Damage.

“Fecking shark,” I hissed.  You needed a level of skill that was impossible to jump the shark.  I didn’t think anyone could manage it.  But, ayyy, what did I know?

I glanced down at the Jim-sized impression on their ship.  There, I spotted my next problem.  There was a metal porthole that I’d managed to impact, groin first.  I glanced up just in time to see a member of their crew firing a crossbow at my head.

Snatching the bolt from midair, I used it like a piton.  I began climbing the side of the ship, finally reaching the railing and pulling myself over.  I drew my sword and glared at them all with my two bloodshot eyes.

“Grebthar’s beard,” screamed one of the pirates, “We can’t stand against that.”

“It can’t be true,” screamed another.  Weapons were unceremoniously tossed to the ground.

“We yield,” stated their captain, throwing down his crossbow and cutlass.  He looked at me in wonder.  “Sir, are you truly the BFF of Sir Dalton?”

Damn it all.

Chapter 24 – Sailing

“Damn,” yelled Glorious Robert, barking a laugh.  The Nosebleed had new sails and was moving at a speed that seemed impossible.  Really impossible.  I mean, we were blasting over the waves at speeds that I’d ascribe to cars. 

“You’re sure?” I whispered to Badgelor.

“As much as possible.  Converting real numbers to Earth measurements is an inexact science, but, yes, about 60 NPH,” said Badgelor.  “Though, why you’d use Neil Patrick Harris as a distance measurement is beyond me.”

“It's miles,” I grated.

“Miles Patrick Harris?” questioned Badgelor.  “No, that doesn’t have a good ring to it. Charles always called him Neil.”

“Earth miles aren’t terrible, but we should use them for a different system,” said Shart.

“Something in mass combat?” questioned Badgelor.  “Maybe Miles Morales or something like that.”

“That’d be spectacular,” agreed Shart.

“No, it would be amazing, I’d say,” replied Badgelor.

By Bendis and Pichelli, I hated their schtick at times. 

After a too short, blissful silence, Shart decided he wasn’t done speaking.  “It makes sense that they’d measure things by laying out their famous individuals.  Was he some sort of giant?”

“A magician, actually,” I replied.

“Ooh, a magical giant,” said Shart respectfully.

“Don’t get your unicorns in a bunch,” growled Badgelor.  “Earthlings always mean ‘Giant’ as in ‘some sort of great person in some field of study’.”

“Oh, that’s sad,” stated Shart.  “Why do all Earth stories leave me so depressed?”

“It's a depressing place,” said Badgelor.  “They don’t even have talking badgers.”

“So, it’s not a total lost cause, then,” said Shart.  We couldn’t see him, but both Badgelor and I could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Focus, you idiots,” I growled.  “How much longer until we get to Windfall?”

“Given the wind, about eighteen hours,” answered Badgelor.

I glanced over at the badger.  “Is that right, Shart?”

“Don’t you have a wounded nutsack to be worrying about?” Shart asked, before crunching some Ordinal numbers.  “Ha!  It will only take fourteen hours at your current speed.”

“The wind will never hold, though.  Once we get closer to the coast, we will slow a bit,” argued Badgelor, watching the sky.

Shart was silent for a moment before uttering, “Fire and Ashes, if I put in the projected weather, it's going to be seventeen hours and fifty-two minutes.”

“So, about 18 hours,” I stated.

“You are the fools arguing with a badger about sailing,” replied Badgelor.  Shart inhaled sharply before exhaling in defeat. 

I just hoped Windfall would still be safe when we got there.

***

The queen stared at the glowing, blue barrier.  First, she counted to fifteen.  Then, she made it to twenty.  She inhaled sharply and went all the way to thirty on the third time. 

“When we were last here, I believe you two said that the barrier had been removed,” the queen finally snapped.  She tapped her ring three times before she turned around. 

The hawk riders, Sev and Dori, both winced at that.  The Queen of the Inner Sea was not pleasant when she started counting.  Even the damn monkey was glaring at them. 

“We were here two months ago, and everything was fine,” said Sev quickly.  “Look, the town has been repaired.  Hell, even the dock is new.”

“And the trolls?” asked the queen.

“They appear to be attacking the barrier,” said Sev cautiously, “Very ineffectively.”

“You did an overflight.  Is there any chance that this is all an illusion?” asked the queen.

“My True Sight would have pierced any such illusion,” said Dori meekly.  “Maybe they used Mental Magic?”

“I would smell the stink of Mental Magic on you,” growled the queen.  She hated Mental Magic as much as she hated the invariable, manipulative women that it brought about.  If the queen wanted something from you, she’d tell you.  Then, you’d give it to her.  Life was simple like that.

“What are our options?” asked Stormwind, finally taking a step in front of Sev and Dori.  She recognized the signal for what it was.  The queen was fond of her personal space in meetings like this.  If Stormwind was stepping into it, she needed to calm herself somewhat, not that he’d ever expressed those exact words. 

Knowing your own limitations was critical to victory, and the queen knew hers.  So did Stormwind, for that matter.  That was why the queen valued his subtle cues.  She did not need to be blowing up at her two scouts right now.  Deep down, she knew that. 

The queen sighed.  “We finally have the Ring of Protection.  I’m going to go to Windfall to get the orb.  Then, I can show all those backstabbers in Falcon who’s really in charge.”

“But we can’t get the orb,” said Sev, his own attitude calming.  Now that the queen was no longer on the warpath, Sev’s hands were noticeably away from his weapons.  She wondered idly if he realized how little of a threat he was to her.

“We cannot easily get the orb,” agreed the queen, “But we are talking about world changing plans.  Such plans are never easy.  I already see two courses of action we can take.”

“The trolls?” simpered Sev. 

“I believe I may be able to talk them into helping me,” stated the queen.

“They probably aren’t going to be of much use,” said Sev.

“I have also checked with an old acquaintance.  She happens to already be nearby and has promised me assistance whenever I might call upon her.”

Stormwind nodded at that.  He knew of the acquaintance, of course.  What he needed to do was ensure the acquaintance stayed out of trouble while she was around the queen.  The amount of gold that favor was going to cost could be disastrous.  He imagined it would take most of the horde they had accumulated over the past decade. 

“By the twenty-one counties of Jersey, do you think we can actually do this?  We are talking about Windfall, after all,” said Dori.  She knew when to get with the game plan.  She might have a future after the entire affair was completed.  The queen glanced at Sev, who still looked sullen.

Sev, less so.

“What about the Mayor?” asked Sev, voicing everyone’s concern.

“You did the flyover!  You said you saw provincials all over the place,” responded the queen, waving her hand dismissively.  “My guess is that some wandering yahoo from the sticks decided to go and make himself the mayor.  With the war on, there are a large number of refugees coming.  Those bumpkins somehow must have killed the goblins and claimed the town.”

“What if it’s the real Mayor?” whined Sev.  The queen exhaled.  Truthfully, Sev had not whined.  She was just growing increasingly frustrated with the quality of her help these days.  She couldn’t tell which one of her two problems was worse, but at least the other one was useful in combat.

“If it's the real Mayor, then he’s in charge of the town.  I’ll have two powerful artifacts to present to him,” said the queen, glancing over at Stormwind and sighing.  “Who knows?  If I must, I may even marry him.”

Dori rolled her eyes.  The hawk rider was a good girl, decidedly provincial in her ideas of marriage.  Marrying for love was just for stories, as far as the queen was concerned.  A marriage was a contract between individuals.  If she could manage a contract between her and the Mayor, then her plans to become Queen of Falcon would be easier.  After all, she didn’t need the Mayor for love. 

Then, those bastards would answer for what they did to her.

Chapter 25 - A Burial at Sea

“He was the only casualty in the pirate battle?” I asked.  A teary-eyed Rose stood behind Glorious Robert, trying and failing to put on a stiff upper lip. 

“Yes,” replied Glorious Robert solemnly.  “JamesRobertMcAdam was a good man.  He will be sorely missed.”

“Who was he again?” asked Shart.

“The big, bald one with a ginger beard,” replied Badgelor.  “He and Rose were just good friends.”

I glanced over at the sniffling woman.  “Yeah, she’s acting like they were good…friends.”

“If she wants to see him again, she can just look over there,” said Shart, highlighting the spot where the ballista bolt had smashed the poor man into the railing. 

“Or there,” said Badgelor, gesturing to where the bolt had ended up.  The poor sailor was still attached to it.  Kind of.

“Or there, or there,” suggested Shart, highlighting where the bolt had splintered and torn the man in half. 

“Or where the second bolt hit him,” suggested Badgelor.

“Seriously, how does one guy get hit by two ballista bolts?” I groaned.  “They were fired at pretty much the same time.”

“It’s like he won some stupid contest to be that lucky,” nodded Badgelor.

“Or there,” continued Shart, highlighting another area.  Julia walked out from below decks.  She had spent her free time in the galley using her Tailoring skill to make herself a new ensemble.  The princess looked properly clerical in her deep blue robes accented above and below with black lace.  The robes included a full skirt and a small cape at the back, long enough to cover her backside.  She was carrying someone’s holy book, and she walked over to where the body had been wrapped.  The crew gathered at the side of the ship and waited for her to get prepared. 

“Or there,” continued Shart, yellowing another spot. 

Hansa stood next to the body.  As Julia approached, Hansa began to sing wordlessly.  Many of the nearby sailors with the Singing skill helped, adding a chorus of oohs and ahhs that was not entirely unpleasant.  It sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place where I might have heard it before.  Everyone stood formally.  Even Badgelor stood on his rear paws.   

“Priestess on deck,” stated Julia, and everyone dropped back to less formal postures.   She looked out over the crowd with a serious expression.  You could have heard a pin drop, as the normally boisterous crew settled.

Julia spent the next several moments looking various members of the crew in the eye.  I had a feeling this was going to be nothing like DorMaude’s service.  Finally, Julia began.  “As in Grebthar’s day, in times of great pain, we look to the book of Genesis.”  She opened the simple, worn book, and I realized it was Splendid Gloria’s.  She stopped at a page and appeared to be reading it.  I knew the book was just for show.  Julia’s Religion skill would have fed her passages of the various holy texts, but having the actual book looked nice and proper.

“When the situation is grave, and we have dug so far down as to have even the hint of light be forever locked away, remember.  Remember that even if we do not hear from you. . .” said Julia.

“We won’t leave you behind,” intoned the crew.

Julia continued, “Your main power may be down for many days.  Your auxiliary power may have temporarily failed.  Your restoration may seem only possible in distant days.  How should you proceed?”

“By the book,” intoned the audience. 

Julia continued more loudly, “And what does the book say?  It says that while the damage you report might be great, if we go by the book, hours can seem like days.”

Wait.

“And so, if you believe in your crew and their words, you too will find it true.  When your ship is needed, it will be hours, not days, before it is ready for you.  And your ship shall take you from that dark place and into a cloud of light, where even the mighty foe cannot stand against you!”

“Beam us up, Scotty,” they all said as one.

Beam us up indeed.

I walked over to Julia after the ceremony.  She had spent the better part of ten minutes talking to everyone and saying pleasantries.  Now, the crew was going back to their duties, leaving only a handful of us left with the body.  Rose, who had been hanging back waiting for a bit more privacy, walked up to the covered corpse. 

Her eyes were bright with tears.  She placed her hand on the black material, saying, “I have been, and alwayz zhall be, your. . .friend.”

With that, several of the sailors took up the body and carefully pushed it off the deck.  It fell into the water below with a loud splash.  Rose held it together until the splash.  Then, she sobbed into her hand and ran below deck.  It broke my heart to see her misery.

“Or there,” said Shart, continuing his highlighting.

Chapter 26 - Beam me up

The next morning, I turned to Badgelor.  “You know they never said, ‘Beam me up Scotty’.”

“You understand that I was with Charles when most of this was written down, right?” replied Badgelor.  “Charles very specifically said that it was ‘Beam me up, Scotty’.”

“I’ve always been bothered by this,” replied Shart.  “What is a Scotty?”

“I think it's a kind of dog,” replied Badgelor.  “Maybe a kind of terrier, whatever that is.”

“You think a terrier beamed up the captain?” I asked.

“Yes,” replied my talking badger.  “You do have trained animals on earth, right?”

“Yes, but they aren’t trained to be transporter operators,” I replied.

“That’s racist,” growled the badger.  “I bet, if you tried hard, you could even teach animals to talk.  I know it's possible.  Charles told me stories about talking animals.”

“Not really,” I replied.

“What about Mister Ed?” asked Badgelor.  “Charles talked about Mister Ed.” 

“He’s a talking horse,” I said, “but he’s from a TV show.”

“And Scotty is from a book,” replied Badgelor with a smirk. 

“Actually, he’s also from a TV show,” I started, before realizing it wasn’t worth the argument.  If Facebook taught me nothing else, it taught me that arguing never got you anywhere. 

I continued looking at the crow’s nest for several more minutes.  Julia finally walked over and stood next to me. 

“He hasn’t moved in a while,” I said, gesturing toward Twinkle.  “I’m pretty sure he’s asleep.” 

“He’s an elf.  They have elf eyes,” dismissed Julia.  “It's a well-known fact that the elves are the best at spotting things.  He’s probably meditating.”

“It just looks like he is sleeping,” I said, scanning the water from my vantage point on the deck.  After our run-in with the pirate ship, our remaining time had gone off without a hitch. 

Glorious Robert was using the opportunity to get his crew broken in.  They were not quite up to his satisfaction yet.  Rose was working through her grief by making repairs and modifying the deck railings.  She was hoping to prevent another accident like the one that had claimed her. . .friend.  Hansa was integrating our looted pirate weapons into the ship's arsenal.  Even Andersen was proving to be mostly useful, despite his relative lack of sailing experience. 

Suddenly, Twinkle yelled, “Land ho!”

Julia dragged me to the bow of the ship, a sparkle in her eyes.  “We are going to be in Windfall Harbor, just like in Season 6, Episode 8!  That’s the one where Grebthar fought a Sea Dragon.”

“I know,” said Badgelor, knowingly. 

Julia frowned at him slightly but pushed it from her mind.  To her, this was all a thing of wonder.  “So, Jim, there is a small bay just south of Windfall.  There, we should find the remains of the Windfall Boardwalk.  It will be the same remains as when Grebthar was actually here!”

“That’s one possibility,” I said.

As the harbor came into focus, Julia stared in wonder.  The dock jutted out proudly from the shore.  The boardwalk was there, with five completed buildings.  Several more frames sat, all under construction. 

Julia sighed.  “It's like I can see it when it was all brand new.  It looks just like I imagined it would look.”

“Yup,” I said, as Julia’s joy quickly turned to horror.

“Wait, this is all new construction.  You tore down the old dock?” she yelled.

“In my defense, it was just rotten wood,” I stated.

“There is a huge trench in the beach,” she gasped.  “Wait, hold on a minute, did they build the Baldwin here?”

“Yes,” I said.  “Glorious Robert and Hansa did it.”

“Oh, no, and I liked Hansa,” moaned Julia.  Her shoulders actually drooped.  I hadn't seen that before, not even when the collar had been crippling her.  She looked lost.

Realizing Julia's body language had gone decidedly cold, I asked, “How much trouble do you think they are in?”

“Well, Glorious Robert and Hansa are absolutely squatters in Windfall, especially if they’ve been here long enough to build a boat,” sighed Julia bleakly.  “The penalties for that are extreme.”

“She means she’s going to have to kill Hansa,” mocked Shart. 

“What about Glorious Robert?” I replied dumbly.  The thought of Julia killing Hansa would be enough to break me.  Watching Julia’s expression, I realized she had already drawn the same conclusion. 

“He’s an adventurer.  All they are going to do is force him to do a few dungeon runs,” said Julia. 

“There is a town full of people here,” I said angrily, “Women and children.”

Julia, to her credit, wavered.  Laws in the abstract were good.  Actually enforcing those laws could be a bit trickier.  Killing all the squatters in the historical landmark sounded good, until you found out those squatters were good people.  It got worse when you realized that you were the one who had to enforce the law. 

“What about the Mayor?” I asked, as Julia’s mind continued to reel. 

Julia replied distractedly, “Some poor unfortunate must have decided to take up the title of mayor.  I’m certain of it.  They confused the other people.  It is their fault that everyone is in Windfall.  The false mayor is guilty of high crimes in Falcon.  They will be arrested and executed,” said Julia, finding a way to avoid killing innocents.  If it was all one man’s fault, he could take all the blame.  “I’ll need your help to punish him.”

“You want me to punish him?” I asked.

“Yes, just take the unfortunate one out to the woods and punish him,” said Julia, looking at me imploringly.  “I trust you to do the right thing.”

“I'm not going to do your dirty work for you,” I said flatly. 

“I didn’t say dirty work,” hissed Julia.  “I said the right thing.”

I watched her for a long moment, realizing that the right thing was to let this hypothetical mayor go and tell her that I’d punished him.  Even as I drew that conclusion, I saw Julia’s shoulders firm slightly.  A small bit of hope filled her, as she became certain she could keep the blood from her hands.   

Of course, it was never that easy.  

“Julia, I already told you, I’m the Mayor,” I said, flicking my title back to Mayor of Windfall.  The princess looked shocked for a long moment.

Julia’s eyes became bright with tears.  “This is a bad joke, Jim. It has to be a bad joke.  You are using the Disguise skill, and it's not funny.”  She balled her hands into fists.  Glowing golden orbs began to flicker around her. 

“I would never joke about it,” I said softly.

“Trying to save these people is noble, but someone has to be punished,” said Julia.  “No one can go around defaming the Mayor.  They just can’t.”

“Julia, I’m sorry, but I need your help,” I began, but she was already ranting. 

“This is all my fault!  You can’t be the Mayor,” said Julia, growing angry.  “You just can’t be!  The Mayor is larger than life.  The Mayor is a hero.  The Mayor is supposed to save the world.”  Julia glared at me, before stepping back and turning away.

“You can’t be the Mayor,” she said finally.  “You are just Jim.”

With that, she pivoted.  Her hand glowed golden with a blade, its infinitely sharp edge aimed straight at my throat.  I, sadly, had expected it.  Focusing my Counterspell skill at the blade caused the perfect edge to dissolve.  As the magical blade slammed into my neck, my Dragon Scales activated, shattering it.  The resulting cut didn’t even bleed. 

Julia stared at the cut uncomfortably before looking into my eyes.  “You just can’t be.”

“I’m sorry that I am,” I said sadly, “But the Dark Overlord is back, and I need your help to defeat him.”

Chapter 27 – Plotting

Maggie looked at the old broad and groaned.  Of course, it was down to this. 

Infiltrating a town was easy for someone of Maggie’s talents, assuming the town didn’t have a barrier.  Of course, this town did.  The barrier precluded her from using her more violent skills.  The ‘all-knowing’ barrier would engage and burn her to a crisp.

Fortunately, Maggie had abilities that were of a more practical use than just plain violence.  In this case, she had broken her soul up into three, shadow-infused pieces.  Each piece assumed the shape of a loyal citizen of Windfall, or at of least Falcon. 

She wouldn’t have even bothered with that if the mayor was actually in town.  He wasn’t, though.  He had apparently left very recently, and everyone was hush-hush about why.  Maggie supposed she would eventually dig that information out of someone, perhaps while torturing them.  Intel through torture was amazing if you had the Perks, and she did.  It was how she had gathered knowledge of the mayor’s absence and the people she should clone.  To her knowledge, the people of Windfall hadn’t even noticed one of their hunters had failed to return to the town one night.  Maggie grinned again as she remembered his screams.

Whenever Maggie cloned someone, she not only got a nearly perfect copy of their physical body, but also a copy of their most useful memories. However, brains were funny.  Someone might remember how to walk around in a town they had visited a few times, but they probably couldn’t focus enough to draw a map.  She was also relying on the hope that she could mine valuable memories from these townspeople.  As usual, luck was against her.  Valuable memories required the person she was copying to actually possess useful memories about their mayor.  So far, all Maggie had gleaned was that he liked to walk and eat. 

For example, many of these people knew what their mayor looked like.  Most of them thought of him as the Mayor, because titles carried weight.  They all had mental images of him, as well.  From what Maggie had gathered, he basically looked like a version of the damn Remort, but without his pile of Charisma.  Without the Cleric’s Charisma, he just looked like any other brown-haired nobody.   

“Maybe he Remorted recently?” suggested the cloned EstherSasha, who was examining her nails.  The clones all shared pieces of the same soul; invariably, surface thoughts transmitted. 

“He was over level 30 when he fought us,” said cloned Julia, her wild grin never quite meeting her eyes.  Maggie found that grin disconcerting.  “He couldn’t have possibly leveled up that quickly.”

Maggie nodded at that.  Not to mention, the Cleric was, thankfully, dead.  If he had been the mayor, she would have gotten her quest reward already. 

All three Maggies pouted in unison.  Killing the mayor of Windfall, even if he wasn’t really the Mayor, was going to have to wait until there was someone to kill. 

“What about the other quest?” hinted Julia.  EstherSasha grinned. 

“The barrier is quite annoying,” stated Maggie, lifting her hand and tapping one of her fingers on her tooth.  Unconsciously, Maggie snapped at the unfamiliar digit, pulling her hand away.  She examined her cloned hand for a long moment and frowned.  “I suppose we ought to do something about it while we wait for the mayor to return.”

“If nothing else,” said EstherSasha in a grandmotherly fashion, “it will make killing him easier.”

Chapter 28 - The Legacy of Bird Law

“She took that well,” said Shart, as the ship pulled up to the dock. “Although she did block my ability to communicate with anyone when I said, ‘I told you so’.”

“And you can still talk to me how?” I asked.

“Please,” groaned the demon, “I'm just saying that she’s not pleased by your admission or her inability to enforce Bird Law.”  Of course, he hadn’t spoken a word to me in two hours, meaning that the orb’s ability to fully contain him took some time to bypass. 

“Bird Law?” I asked.

“The Falconian legal system is usually just called Bird law,” said Badgelor, shaking out his fur.  Then, he hopped on my back.  The constant rain was just an annoyance at this point.  I’d gotten to the point where I just kept Endure Elements active at all times. 

The docks were drenched, the beach was drenched, and the lone stream that exited Windfall and flowed out to the sea was overly full.  It was overrunning its banks, threatening to become a major flood.  A full-sized tree floated out of it and into the harbor.  We sailed by, narrowly avoiding a navigational hazard.

Suddenly, the ship sounded like a gong. 

●        The Nosebleed suffers 8 points of Damage from impacting a tree.

Glorious Robert was already screaming orders to the crew, as we sailed deeper into the flotsam.  We were already down to a quarter sail, and the ship was plodding into the harbor.  Our speed slowed further. 

I was searching the horizon for other ships, but the queen and her fleet were nowhere to be seen.  That was a bit troubling.  I assumed she saw the barrier and withdrew.  She would need time to come up with another plan.

“Where is the dock crew?” I asked, as the ship got closer.  I’d sent a quest to prepare for our arrival.  That was a trick Mar was quite good at.  You set up a timed quest for something, like the Nosebleed’s arrival, and people accepted the quest.  Then, they showed up at the time given by the quest.

“Why didn’t you just talk to Mar?” questioned Badgelor.

“I sent him several messages concerning our arrival,” I replied, shrugging.  “He didn’t respond.  The whole town is in a barrier, though.  What could go wrong?”

“That is peculiar,” said Glorious Robert.  I heard two of our longboats being lowered into the water.  Hansa and Andersen had both taken crews and were using long poles to push the various pieces of debris away from the ship.

“Wait, did we cross the barrier yet?” I asked, bringing up my menu.  Now that we had crossed into Windfall’s province, I was finally getting town notifications again.  The information I was getting was a series of hammer blows.

●        Windfall is under Siege!  Barrier reducing from level 4 to level 3!

●        Windfall has broken the Siege!  Barrier returning to level 4 in 16 hours.

●        Windfall is under Siege!  Barrier reducing from level 3 to level 2 in 16 hours!

●        Windfall has broken the Siege!  Barrier returning to level 3 in 12 hours.

●        Windfall is under Siege!  Barrier reducing from level 2 to level 1 in 6 hours!

●        Windfall has broken the siege!  Enemy force routed.

●        Barrier reduced by 2 levels due to: troll attacks.  Barrier will be restored to full in 9 hours.

I concentrated for a second, focusing on the Army of Windfall.  I felt the mental tug of a connection with Zorlando and checked his title.  Seeing it, I groaned loudly.  Sighing, I opened the channel.  “Yankee Doodle Zorlando, what happened?  We were under siege?”

With the channel open, I could see Zorlando in front of me.  He was marching with his men, but he stopped and saluted.  “Not anymore!  I, the Yankee Doodle Zorlando, and my Dashing Dandies, have defeated most of the trolls.  We sent them packing, back toward the Eastern province.”

That was strange.  Most of the time, Zorlando just stopped with himself when aggrandizing something.  “The barrier has been reduced by two ranks?”

Zorlando deflated slightly, sounding pained.  “I fear that is all my fault.  Their leader is a cunning one.  He launched a feint against the harbor barrier.  When I snapped at that, he struck from the northern side.  Fortunately, he did not realize he was fighting against the Army of Windfall.  The Dashing Dandies were able to slaughter most of their advance forces and capture the device they were using to disable the barrier.”

“Probably captured it from the goblins,” said Shart, yawning.

“Is it of goblin origin?” I asked.

Zorlando paused, straightening his mustache.  “I had not considered it, but it must be.  The foul creatures were making devices to defeat the barrier before.  I bet they fled right into the arms and bellies of these accursed trolls.”

“I didn’t realize that the trouble with trolls was so bad,” I remarked.

“I will admit they were pressing us hard.  That was before you activated the Army of Windfall and started using your Great General Talents, my Mayor,” explained Zorlando. “Afterwards, I, Zorlando, and the Dashing Dandies, were able to fight several decisive battles with the monsters.  I attempted to contact you multiple times, but I feared you had Remorted again.”

“No, I was stuck in a temporal warp caused by detonating a Dungeon Core in the fast lanes,” I said.

Zorlando paused for three whole seconds.  “Well, from you that makes perfect sense.  Good work on getting back in one piece!  Windfall was in good hands.  Even if the barrier had collapsed, the town’s defenses are substantial.  We worked diligently to improve them.  Even the full might of the trolls would have found Windfall a deadly snack.”

“We are about to land at the dock,” I said finally. 

“Excellent, you can search the area and see if there are any more trolls about,” said Zorlando.  “That means I’ll get back to town faster.  I, Zorlando, have a hot date tonight.”

“Dalton’s going to kill you,” I said.

“Hardly, I have already spoken to him.  I am a Man at Arms now, an adventurer with a steady job. He was thrilled that his daughter landed such a great prize as the mighty Zorlando,” said the mighty Zorlando.  I debated that internally and concluded that Zorlando was exaggerating.  If I found out my friend was dating my daughter, I don’t think ‘thrilled’ would be how I felt.  Then again, I wasn’t Sir Dalton.  I imagined if he thought someone was hurting one of his girls, the knight would probably tear their head off and throw whatever was left through the hardest wall he could find. 

I cut the connection and looked over to Glorious Robert.  “The dock won’t be safe for a few hours.  I’m going to go jump in Andersen’s longboat.  I need to land and search for trolls.  You man the ship and deal with any stragglers however you see fit.”

“We’ll be ready to sail in a moment’s notice,” said Glorious Robert.  “Besides, I’ll need a bit to level up after this whole ordeal.”

I nodded.  “Good, just keep an eye out.  I’ll leave Twinkle with you as a lookout.”

“Thanks, I saw him already up there, meditating.  If anything comes, I’m sure he’ll see it,” replied Glorious Robert.

I looked back up at Twinkle’s nearly prone form.  He sure looked like he was asleep.  Those elves were something else. 

“Hansa, get back up here and load up the monster shot,” yelled Glorious Robert with a grin.  The diminutive redhead snapped a quick salute.

“You heard him, you slack-jawed yokels,” yelled Hansa, as she pointed to the side of the ship.  She got the longboat aboard, just before we docked at the pier.  By then, Glorious Robert had all the ballistas out.  Any troll in range was going to get a face full of ballista bolt.

Julia walked stiffly over to me.  She was still in her new robe and carrying her skull staff. “Shall we?”

I nodded.  We stepped back onto the pier and started walking ashore.  “Your first time in Windfall?”

“Yes, it is somehow less magical than I expected,” she said, eyeballing me.  We continued past Splendid Gloria’s empty, ruined office.  Badgelor sniffed the air sadly.

“They ate the scrap pile,” he said dejectedly, looking over at the shattered structure.  

“So, monsters are destroying Windfall.  That seems about right.  How far is the city?” asked Julia.  She stopped and reached down to pick up a handful of sand from the training grounds. 

“First, we are going to deal with the monsters,” I said.  The nice, sandy beach was directly south of Windfall, and there was a road connecting the dock to the town.  We wouldn’t be following it, unfortunately.  “Fifteen minutes by the road, but we have to check for trolls.” 

“It sure sounds like you have been doing a bang-up job as mayor,” said Julia, muttering a short prayer to the weeping skies.  “The trolls that are violating the sacred Windfall Valley are this way.”

I brought up my map.  Sure enough, she was right, not that there were many options.  The bay went up a bit north, but there was a mountain spring-fed river that split Windfall Valley in two.  It was just wide enough to make traveling difficult.  The barrier didn’t reach it anymore; logically that’s where the trolls would have to be. 

Badgelor yawned and nodded off on my shoulder.  We continued walking.  After the first fifteen minutes, I noticed Julia looking at me and frowning. 

“What’s your problem now?” I snapped.

“I’m sorry, Mister Remort, not all of us have the Hiking skill,” she said acidly.  “Not to mention, I just got off a boat!  At the moment, I’ve still got Sea Legs.”

“Cast Heal Injury on yourself,” I replied.

“Sea Legs are mental, you dolt,” she growled.  “Of course, you lofty Remorts don’t experience such pesky issues as the rest of us mere adventurers do.”

I paused at that.  Julia did indeed have the Sea Legs condition.  I did not.  “Shart, why don’t I have that condition?” 

“It's Mental, Dum Dum,” said Shart.  “Your Mental Resistance is so high that you never suffer from those pesky minor conditions.”

“Well, that’s nice,” I said, thinking back.  “Why did I get so pissed off about the ship then?”

“Because you didn’t invoke your perk,” said Shart.  “You would be amazed at the number of times people don’t invoke their perks.  I mean, imagine going drinking with your Poisoner perk activated.”

“Poisoner doesn’t just protect my muscles; it protects my cells.  It creates a protective system of Regeneration and healing that means I can’t get drunk,” I said aghast. 

“Yup, if that was always on, you might as well be drinking water,” said Shart.

“Do you know what fish do in water?” I asked, horrified.

Scanning the area, I sniffed loudly and pointed toward some troll droppings.  Julia frowned, looking at them. 

“At least they are somewhat fresh,” she said finally.

“Not how you pictured an adventure?” I asked.

“Well, examining troll shit was never part of the plan,” she replied tartly.

“What was the plan?” I asked.  Julia frowned at me, but I continued.  “I mean, I know you were trying to summon Shart and get the Treasures of Rule.  Were you planning on just handing all those over to the Mayor?” Julia rolled her eyes, doing a quick puma check in the process. 

“Be mindful of your surroundings,” said Julia, walking over to me.  She scratched Badgelor on the head and gave him a badger snack. 

“Well, it seems like she is better at planning and keeping a secret than you,” chuckled Shart.

“Part A of her plan was summoning you, remember?” I responded.

“And it went off without a hitch, more or less,” smirked the demon.

“She had that orb the whole time, you realize.  As soon as you stepped out of line, she would have captured you,” I replied.

Shart paused.  The demon grunted several times, as he tried to escape his prison.  “Well, shit.”

Badgelor laughed.  “You were outsmarted by the wee lass.”

“She already has you wrapped up in badger snacks,” I said to Badgelor.

“I am not so easily manipulated,” began the badger.

“Badgelor, I need your help,” Julia sang out. 

“Coming,” yelled the badger, leaping off my shoulder.  He was running toward Julia when he suddenly paused.  “Well, shite.”  Not that the realization stopped him from continuing to help the princess.

After Badgelor had aided Julia in carefully searching out some more troll shit with his superior nose, she frowned and continued walking.  The poor badger was left alone in the rain. 

“I want to fully understand what is going on before we wander into Windfall,” I said confidently, nudging my furry familiar.   

“Just so long as you don't try to ride me.  I need some beauty sleep,” stated Badgelor.  He waddled back up onto my shoulder.

At the moment, riding Badgelor would not have been an option.  The riverbank was covered in thick vegetation, including trees that were very similar to bamboo.  I called it Wamboo, named after one of its more annoying features.  While Badgelor could have just smashed his way through it, Julia was doing everything in her power to avoid damaging anything. 

“I mean, it is the sacred Valley after all.  You go ahead and slash through it with your sword,” she said, after I’d drawn my blade.  As a husband of twenty years, I knew a ‘Don’t do that, Stupid.’ when I heard one. 

“The trolls already smashed a bunch of this,” I said.

“You want me to compare you to a troll?” asked Julia.  After several more moments, she sighed.  “So, what happens when we get to Windfall?”

“I will continue mayoring until I figure out where the Orb of Annihilation is,” I said.  “It stands to reason that I should be able to bond the thing to myself.”

“That’s an interesting choice,” said Julia.  “You understand that the orb destroys anything it touches, right?”

“I have a plan,” I replied. 

“You have no plan,” argued Shart.  “You never have a plan.” 

“So what?  I shouldn’t worry my cute little head, Mister Mayor?”  asked Julia smugly. “You’ll get me something pretty when we get there?”

“We could trade.  You tell me what you were planning on doing with the treasures, and I’ll tell you what I’m planning on doing with the Dark Overlord.”

“Tempting, but no,” she responded. She pushed through another trove of Wamboo.  A piece suddenly and unceremoniously slapped her across the face.  She had a barrier up, so the actual strike didn’t do much more than startle her.  She paused and scanned in all directions.  “Why aren’t you doing a puma check?”

“There are only a few animals here,” I replied, continuing my surveillance.  I never really stopped doing puma checks, ever.  I dreamed of puma checks.  I just wasn’t obvious about it, like she was.  With Perception, I knew there were only a few wolves in the vicinity and some trolls off in the distance.  Oddly, that was all.  The area we were in should have been teeming with deer.

I reached for my sword, and Julia hissed, “This is protected land!  Don’t do anything unnecessary.  Stop trying to cut your way through it.”

Groaning, I pulled my hand back and subtly guided her a little westward.  We weren’t quite parallel to the river, but it would get us to the trolls faster

“What are you going to do when we get to Windfall?” I asked. 

“You are nosy,” she grinned back.  “I suppose I’ll have to check out your excellent mayoring.  I assume that the whole town is as ramshackle as the beach back there.”

“Hey, the trolls had attacked back there,” I shot back.

“A civilized land shouldn’t have trolls running rampant around it,” said Julia.  “I’m going to be upset when I see what horrors you’ve done to the city, aren’t I?”

“I can put stuff back together,” I replied defensively. 

“A bunch of squatters and you in sacred Windfall,” she returned, “And no one from Falcon because of the Gatekeepers.  I don’t even want to consider what you provincials have done to the place.”

“Gatekeepers?” I asked, intrigued.  I hadn’t heard of them in any detail before.

“Yes, there is a great gate east of here.  The Gatekeepers keep everyone from Falcon out, unless they have a direct, royal decree,” stated Julia.  “My father never granted any such decree, nor did the previous king.”

“Could the Mayor of Windfall let people through?” I asked.

Julia paused, frowning.  “No, if that’s what you’re thinking.  The Gatekeepers are former units of the Grand Army of Windfall.  They are not under control of the town.”  I exhaled.  I had been worried for a second.  I was sincerely hoping that, even though they were former units, the Windfallian Army commander might still have some pull with them.    

“The people in Windfall came from the Riverlands, mostly Narwal,” I said.  That wasn’t entirely accurate, but the last several groups of refugees had come to Windfall from the misspelled, horny whale city.

Julia frowned.  “I highly doubt TimSimons would have been so bold as to officially allow his citizens to settle here.  It would have been an international incident,” she stated calmly.  The princess was clearly not pleased at the notion, so I pressed it.

“Would Lord Dookie have followed that decree?  There were lots of refugees, after all,” I pondered.  Lord Dookie was the noble in charge of Narwal, the nearest land city to Falcon.  Julia knew far more about international politics than I ever would.  I was positive she knew who he was. 

Julia frowned.  “You seem very well acquainted with the political realities of this situation.  It is possible that Lord Dookie could have taken it upon himself to turn a blind eye to some refugees sneaking into Windfall.  Of course, someone would have needed to clear out the goblins.  The last official report I had marked the western gate fortress as having a substantial garrison of monsters.  Dookie would have had to march through that; it is doubtful that refugees would be capable of doing so.”

“I cleared the garrison,” I said.

Julia examined me for a moment.  “I suppose any competent adventurer could have managed the job.  You are a Remort, so I guess I’ll buy it,” said Julia.  “Still, admitting to occupying a Falconian fortress doesn’t mark you as being particularly bright.”. 

“I didn’t notice anyone in control of the fortress when I took it,” I said flatly.  “I had to save some people who were being held hostage by the goblins.”

Julia sighed.  “Well, that was very noble of you, but you should have taken them to Narwal.”

As we continued, I held my finger to my mouth and shushed her.  Julia frowned but tried to stay quiet.  The river had washed away a bank just ahead.  I’d grown a bit too confident that we would avoid any trouble, and I was about to be severely disappointed.  I wasn’t the only one suffering from their boldness, as I heard a solid, painful whamming sound.

“Feck a Phoenix!” swore Julia, grabbing her midsection.  A piece of Wamboo had smashed her in a most uncomfortable location.  She spotted me looking back at her and hissed, “That hurt.”

“No, not that,” I replied, as the sound of crashing feet picked up nearby.

“Trolls,” whispered Julia, her pain forgotten. 

“Yeah, they aren’t that bright, but they can hear loud screams,” I said.  Four massive trolls burst from the foliage.

Julia shrieked.  Surrounding herself in a glowing, golden barrier, she pulled her staff into a guard position.  I turned to face the oncoming trolls, my sword finally drawn.  The first thing I did was smack Badgelor with the flat side of my blade.  He groaned, blinking slowly at the trolls.

“Well, at least you brought a snack,” he said sleepily, hopping off my shoulder.  The badger attempted to expand to his full, Ultimate size, only to find too many obstructions in his way.  Instead, he shifted to his War Form, a smaller, but still deadly, form that was only the size of a jacked-up lion. 

Or a damn polar bear.

“Did your War Form get bigger?” I asked.

“Yes, that vault showed me that I needed to upgrade my War Form,” growled Badgelor. “I spent my Talent Points to make this form relevant again.  Earned those the same time our Path upgraded.”

I leveled my sword at the noise and got ready to wade in.  Suddenly, Julia waved me back, “Don’t worry, I got this.”

“They are trolls.  Are you sure your powers are going to work against them?” I asked.

Julia ignored me and threw multiple saw blades of golden energy right into the creatures.  They spectacularly ignored the attacks.  I saw one blade split the skull of a troll in half, causing the creature to miss a step.  As its wound sealed up, the troll resumed its gait.   

“Do you maybe know spells that don’t rely on Slashing Damage?” I asked, as the first troll closed with Julia.  It swung its huge club directly at her royal skull.  It impacted her barrier with no obvious effect. 

Badgelor fired a blast of his Destructive Gaze straight into the chest of one of the trolls.  As the beams blasted through the creature’s back, its flesh vanished.  The troll stumbled and nearly fell over.  However, the wound slowly closed up.

“Is your War form better for Destructive Gaze?” I questioned.

“Damn straight!  It’s 50% more powerful in this form,” grinned Badgelor. 

Meanwhile, Julia had switched to Holy Blasts.  They were at least somewhat effective.  She blasted one of the trolls right as it swung its club down on her barrier.  The club bounced off the barrier, leaving a fine spider web of cracks.  Her Holy Blast left a huge mark in the middle of the troll’s chest. 

The problem became apparent immediately, as Julia’s Holy Blasts were quickly depleting her Mana.  She kept carving up the trolls, and they kept getting back up.  Eventually, all three were pounding on her barrier.  That barrier wasn’t going down any time soon, but Julia was also unable to effectively fight back against the trolls.  She had resorted to just glaring at them stubbornly, as they continued to triple-team her.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. 

●        Powerful Smiting Cleave, Base Damage 23 + 7 (Sword Skill), + 5 (Strength), + 5 (Cleave), + 6 (Powerful Blow), + 2 Severing (Sword Master), +8 Smite, total 52 Slashing, 2 Severing.

I used Flash Steps to appear directly in front of Julia.  My slash knocked all three of the trolls backward, giving Julia some breathing room.  She immediately blasted the one on the right, causing it to stagger back.  I stepped toward the one on the left and activated a Felling Strike, cutting the creature in half.  The added Damage caused by my Smite spell made the flesh hiss with Holy Power.  Still, it was not enough to kill the troll outright.

However, while its flesh was knitting back together, the troll wasn’t much use in combat.  I moved toward the one in the middle and executed a Hack and Slash.  Within moments, its arms, legs, and head had been removed from his body. 

The one Julia had felled stood up and pushed away the underbrush to get to me. It swung its massive club, smashing several branches overhead.  I sidestepped, bringing my sword up in a powerful strike that removed the digits from its hand.  Unlike the paper-thin cuts of Julia’s, my sword caused enough Damage to make fingers fly off.  That didn’t mean that the troll couldn’t pick them up and reattach them, but at least it had to work for it.   

The troll embarked on the shittiest scavenger hunt ever, finding its pointer finger in a nearby bush.  As it bent over to pick it up, I used the newly cleared skies as a backdrop for a massive leap.  I quickly executed a Falling Star Strike on the monster. 

●        Falling Star Strike, Base Damage 60, + 7 (Sword Skill), + 5 (Strength), + 5 (Cleave), + 6 (Powerful Blow), + 2 Severing (Sword Master), All Bonuses Doubled!  Total, 108 Slashing, 4 Severing.

That actually worked.  I did so much Damage that the small troll erupted into a geyser of paste.  The troll’s regeneration process needed something to work with.  With all of its bits liquefied, the magical process could not start. 

“So that’s all it takes,” I sighed, staring in horror as Badgelor paused his attacks to lick up a puddle of chunks.

“Unless they are very powerful,” stated Shart.  “These trolls are not at high enough levels to be able to regenerate from just a few scraps of flesh.”

I walked back over to Julia.  The princess was alternating trolls, blasting each with a powerful Holy Blast.  If she had been able to focus on just one of them, the creature might have eventually succumbed to her attacks.  Spreading the blasts out gave each troll just enough time to regenerate, making her process impossible. 

I walked over, my sword ready to finish the task.  Julia glared at me.  “I’ve got this,” she stated, firing a series of golden sawblades.  The blades cut down piles of Wamboo onto both the trolls. 

“I don’t believe in you,” stated Shart.

“I don’t think that is going to hold them,” I casually remarked.

“Hush,” Julia said, grabbing a small branch and praying at it.  That was the Zealots way of casting a spell.  I recognized the prayer she was uttering.  It was the same one she had used to heat up rocks, back when she had discovered her Cooking skill.  The branch began to smolder, and she tossed it onto the piles of wamboo.  They instantly caught fire.  The trolls started moving, so she let loose with another golden sawblade. 

“That will probably work,” I said, checking my Lore.  I wanted to verify that these creatures were vulnerable to fire.  They were vulnerable to Badgelor’s Destructive Gaze, but so was just about everything. 

Ordinal had lower and higher tier Damage types for energy-based Damage.  Typically, that energy-based Damage came from magic.  However, shoving your hand into a bonfire produced much the same kind of Damage as being hit with a Fireball spell.

In other words, lighting up trolls that had a weakness to fire in a bonfire was just as effective as blasting them with Fire Magic.  Ordinal wasn’t picky like that.

“Well, that was simple enough,” I began, as I turned to see a furious Julia.  She snapped her fingers.  A golden band appeared around my body, pinning my arms to my sides.

“We need to talk, Mister Remort,” she said coldly.  “I understand that you are a Remort and, as such, are gifted with powers and abilities that us puny adventurers can’t possibly comprehend, but I am the Princess of Falcon.  I am more than capable of handling myself.”

I blinked at her.  “I was just trying to help.”

“You were being a patronizing prick,” she retorted.  “I get that you are a lone wolf Remort who doesn’t need any help, but I am not your sidekick.  I can take care of myself.”

“I seem to recall three trolls pounding on your barrier.  You spent an inordinate amount of time glaring.  How, exactly, do you use that to protect yourself?” I shot back. 

“Protect myself?” she spat.  “I am the very best at protecting myself.  None of those trolls were anywhere near breaking either of my barriers.  The longer something pounds on it, the more Damage it stores.  When I decided to release my barrier, because they were never going to be able to break it, they would have taken half of that stored Damage and been blown into paste.”

“Your cutting disks?” I asked.

“I was just attracting their attention.  I needed those three to leave your badger alone and attack me.  If you had just left me alone for another thirty seconds or so, I could have killed them without any issues,” she spat.

“I should have left you alone in that prison,” I remarked coldly.  “You were doing a fine job of protecting yourself there, weren’t you?”

I almost felt bad about it, as angry tears colored Julia’s vision.  It was very brief, as she furiously blinked them away just as soon as they appeared.  Julia huffed, balling her hands into fists.  I wasn’t going to give her a chance at whatever tirade she was working herself up for.  

“Why did you claim to need a bodyguard?” I asked.

“Strictly speaking, I don’t need one,” she replied icily.

“She just wanted you around because you are a Remort, Dum Dum,” grinned Shart.

I exhaled noisily.  “You were just bringing me around to hand off to the Mayor.”

“Imagine my surprise,” she said, watching me flatly.

“So far, you aren’t impressed,” I stated.  

“Good, now that we understand each other, I want to make one thing clear,” she continued.  “If you really are the Mayor of Windfall, I want to see it.”

“What?” I replied dumbly.

“You are obviously fecking around.  I know you are considerably more powerful than you let on.  I need you to start actually going at this like it matters,” she said. 

“Maybe, if I knew what you were planning, I might consider it,” I said.

Julia rolled her eyes.  “What is it with you and plans?  You don’t need to know the plan!  Quite frankly, with the way you are acting, I don’t see any reason to share it with you.  We are going to Windfall, and I want to see what the Mayor of Windfall is capable of.  So far, I’ve been more impressed with O’Really than with Jim.”

“Why?” I asked.

“O’Really was just a layabout without any concerns.  Jim is supposedly the Mayor.  THE MAYOR!  Look at you!  I have read every bit of Falconian history about Grebthar, and you are depressingly far from that ideal.”  Julia growled and stormed off in the vague direction of Windfall. 

“Dude,” stated Badgelor, “You suck at this.”

“Seriously, Jim,” said Shart, “Do you want me to try to talk to her.”

“No, I’ll catch up in a bit.  Badgelor, please go watch her and try to get her pointed in the right direction,” I said.

“What are you going to do?” asked Shart.

“He’s going to talk to the wargs,” answered Badgelor, gesturing toward the single, golden eye in the distance.

“Shit, how long have they been watching us?” asked Shart.  “I didn’t even notice them through this damn orb.”

“Long enough,” I replied, turning and walking toward the massive wolf.  As I approached, fresh storm clouds opened up, and it began to rain properly.  

Chapter 29 - Adventures with Wargs

GrrDane was a massive example of warghood.  She was easily the size of a horse, and her mottled, grey-streaked fur seemed to blend in with everything.  The only thing that really set her apart from the others was her eyepatch.

“Still keeping some goblins as pets, I see,” I commented, moving underneath a tree branch in the vain hope of finding some shelter from the storm.  With the wind blowing as hard as it was, occasionally buckets of water still poured down.   

GrrDane snorted, replying in the way of the wargs.  Her voice was a combination of growls and ear movements.  “They have their uses.”

Our efforts to slay all the goblins in the valley had mostly been successful.  I was aware that GrrDane had kept a few prisoners, but I had not pressed the issue.  The wargs stayed out of our way, and we stayed out of theirs.  Apparently, the head warg wanted to talk now, though.

“Curious Puppy?” she asked.  “I will take that as a good sign.”  I had turned off Mayor of Windfall, primarily because it annoyed Julia.  BFF of Sir Dalton wasn’t a great option to leave on, either. 

“Thanks,” I replied, following up with a more direct question.  “Why are you here?”

“I was on my way to speak with Zorlando.  He has been rather agreeable until very recently.  However, I smelled you here,” explained GrrDane.  “I had wanted to ask why Zorlando’s efforts have suddenly grown much more impressive as of late.

“Pools open, and the water’s fine,” I said, as a half-dozen wargs surrounded me. 

GrrDane’s brow furrowed.  “I do not understand why you would wish to take a bath with me.  Is the rain not enough?”

“If you are going to attack me, just get it over with,” I replied.

In unison, the wargs behind me all sat on their haunches.  Many flopped their tongues out, too.  I glanced around.  Those were the fakest warg smiles I’d ever seen.  “So, not planning on fighting, eh?”

“You just exploded a troll into paste.  We are not interested in seeing if that trick works on wargs,” stated GrrDane cautiously.  “Besides, we have a treaty, correct?”

“We do,” I acknowledged, reassured that the creatures were not reneging on their end.  The wargs behind me edged away.  “Is there some portion of that treaty you would like to discuss?”

“I would like to discuss your supply of Evolving potions,” stated GrrDane.  “We found none in the goblin camps.  We expect that the crafty woman stole them, right before we attacked the final warren.”

That was not a bad guess.  However, SueLeeta hadn't actually managed to find any samples of the potion.  She had found the recipe for the Evolving potion that turned wolves into wargs, but the Alchemy involved had been just beyond Jarra’s grasp. 

She would have figured it out eventually.

Without that potion, the wargs were doomed to die out.  I wasn’t sure about GrrDane’s age, but Kappa was nearly eight years old.  He expected to live at least another decade.  Of course, in the grand scope of a civilization, twenty years was nothing.  GrrDane was looking at only a single generation of free wargs.  That must have been galling, after everything she had done to get this far.

I wondered if she could smell a lie.  Then again, telling the truth had its own appeal.  “The goblins didn’t leave any intact potions lying around.  We found the recipe, but it is not something we can make with the ingredients we have in the valley.”

“That is a lie,” hissed GrrDane.  “The goblins made it.  They must have been able to produce it from local resources.” 

What’s the point of telling the truth if she is going to accuse me of lying anyway? 

“Did they ever leave the valley?” I asked.

“Some of the Shadow Goblins did, but they had to cross the mountains.  They did not bring any of my kind along,” replied GrrDane. 

“They went on secret missions without their most useful companions?” I asked.

GrrDane considered that for a moment.  She growled, as she reached the logical conclusion.  “They must have been searching for ingredients and were worried that we would learn where they gathered them.”

“That’s not the only problem,” I continued.  “One of the main ingredients is the infected pus of a Goblin Boss.”

“We killed all those,” whined GrrDane.  “We hunted down the few that escaped the slaughter and tore them apart as well.”  Several of the nearby wargs also started to whine at the information.  One or two even took a growling step toward me.

“Do you want my help or not?” I asked.

“You would still help us?” asked GrrDane.

“Of course, we have a treaty,” I replied.  “Gather up the remaining goblins.  They will have to be interrogated to see if they know where the ingredients were acquired.  Meanwhile, I’ll see what I can manage with the existing formula.  I brought a higher-level Alchemist back with me.  She might be able to assist you.”

In truth, I had one more idea.  I just didn’t want to broadcast it without consulting Shart. 

“The Alchemist is the angry, brown-furred woman that was with you?” questioned GrrDane. 

I nodded.

“The one who was walking right toward a bunch of trolls with Lord Badgelor?”

Chapter 30 - Being the Mayor

“I still say that last one was mine,” stated Badgelor, as I sprinted over to where the two of them were standing in a pile of corpses. 

Julia was covered in gore from head to toe.  She appeared very busy, wringing guts from her hair.  Badgelor stood at her feet, mouth opened wide, snacking on all the guts that fell from her.  Julia had, of course, made a golden disk over her head to keep the rain off her.  I slowed down as I approached, trying not to startle her.  A golden barrier sprung into existence, anyway, stopping me short.

“Yes, Jim?” she asked calmly, glancing around at the pile of trolls. 

“You seem to have handled yourself quite well,” I responded, stepping back.  The rain fizzled out again, and the sun peaked out from behind a cloud.  Julia’s umbrella disk faded from existence.

“I’m the princess.  Of course I did,” she replied.  “Better than even the badger here.”

“Ha,” yelled Badgelor, “I got twelve.  She only got eleven.”

“That last one was mine, and you know it,” she spat, turning back to face me.  Her calm face was covered in blood and intestinal pieces.  “We are having a slight disagreement regarding who killed the most trolls.  I was unaware that Badgelor could fire his Destructive Gaze through multiple targets and did not move aggressively enough to counter that fact.”

“The little firecracker forgot Season 3,” grinned Badgelor, sticking out his tongue at Julia.  She looked confused for a moment before her eyes widened slightly. 

Frowning, she replied, “Ah, yes, when Badgelor battled the zombie hordes.  It wasn’t a very good episode.”

“It was a great episode!  It starred me,” grinned Badgelor.  “There I was, with Grebthar behind me.  He was totally wounded.  I kept blasting at zombies, all while Toomen was trying to heal poor Chuck.”

“Charles, if you must,” grumbled Julia.  Badgelor rolled his eyes at her. 

“Good work,” I said, mainly due to a dire need to change the topic.   

“I’m the motherfucking princess.  I do excellent work,” said Julia, glancing down at her red robe.  “This used to be blue.”

“Try the river over there,” I said, pointing to a nearby source of reasonably clean water.  Badgelor shrank and expanded a few times, until almost all the grossness had fallen from his body.  Then, he got straight to eating. 

“She explodes when she’s angry,” Badgelor paused long enough to say.

“We get it, like a firecracker,” stated Shart.

“I might be able to wrangle up another troll or two, but I doubt it.  How much longer are we going to string this out?” asked Badgelor.

“I don’t think she’s going to tell us her plan,” I said.  “I guess we could head closer to town and see if she gives up any details along the way.”

“For a guy with no plans, you are very concerned about hers.  What are you afraid of?” asked Shart. 

“She’s a princess that doesn’t like the current leadership in Windfall.  Could she just take control of the town away from me?” I asked.

“Oh, the monkey found a banana,” stated Shart.  “Technically, yes.  After all, Windfall is technically a part of Falcon.  If she has enough levels of the Lawyering skill, she could probably make that argument, depending on her specialization.”

“She knows contract law.  How many other specializations are there?” I asked, realizing it was a stupid question.

“Well, Dum Dum, there are criminal lawyers, defense lawyers, family lawyers, and so on.  However, she’s part of the nobility.  They practice the worst kind of law,” stated Shart.  “You see, she’s a <rules> lawyer!”

That dark term caused my sphincter to clench.  “What?”

“Yup!  She’s a lawyer who specializes in manipulating the rules of the <system> to get what she wants,” stated Shart.  “She might be able to manipulate the <rules> to suit her nefarious ends, assuming those ends are to make her the Mayor of Windfall.”

“I doubt she wants to do that,” I said. 

“Every member of the royal family wants to be the Mayor of Windfall,” argued Shart. “Succeed where Leia failed and be the greatest Princess of all time.”

“She wouldn’t,” I said finally. “I’m pretty sure she’s not allowed.”

“Obviously, it's not allowed,” grinned Shart wickedly.  “She’s here, isn’t she?  The notion that she could be the Mayor has got to be eating her alive.  The one thing keeping her from that is you.”

I considered that for a long moment.  Julia continued to wash more guts from her lithe body.  Her sopping wet robes were clinging to everything.  “No,” I finally stated, “She’s not going to do that.  I don’t know her plans, but I know enough to know that she isn’t trying to be the Mayor.” 

Julia glanced up, and a golden hemisphere suddenly appeared.  It totally blocked the princess from my line of sight.  “Well, that’s just unfair,” I stated.

“I don’t care how unfair it is,” yelled Julia.  “If you take one step toward me, I’ll blast you.” 

Badgelor rolled his eyes, finding a rock in the path of a sunbeam.  “You humans are too interested in seeing what’s under everyone else’s armor.”

“Like you are too interested in seeing if your stomach is a solar panel?” I retorted.  Badgelor grumbled at that.  His rock was soaked, so he was unable to enjoy that simple pleasure.  Badgelor could flip me off with both guns, though, so he had that going for him.

“Do you think she’s planning something?” asked Shart.

“Possibly, but I’m not sure what.  She said she was going to summon you, but she actually intended to bond with you instead,” I replied.  “She had this whole thing planned out.  She wanted to go to Windfall even before she knew I was the Mayor.”

“How do you know that?” asked Shart.

“Glorious Robert got his quest reward and leveled up,” I said.  “That means he was supposed to be coming here in the first place.”

“Oh, that’s dirty,” stated Badgelor, scratching his back on the wet rock.  “I wondered why you were asking all those questions.”

“She doesn’t like the fact that I’m the Mayor,” I continued.

“I’m surprised she didn’t figure it out earlier,” stated Shart.  “She was in the room when you told Hardragon.”

“You told Hardragon?” scoffed Badgelor.  “That is an example of the stupid Jim we know and tolerate.”

“That wasn’t a bright idea, by the way,” added Shart.  Badgelor had been with Julia, unlocking the collar.  I hadn’t exactly screamed out that I was the Mayor.  If Badgelor hadn’t heard, it was unlikely that Julia had.  Plus, she hadn’t acted differently afterward. 

“I needed to know if he was working for the Dark Overlord,” I said.

“I suppose that’s reasonable,” replied Shart.  “I don’t think he was, not directly.”

“Then who was he working for?” I questioned.

“I don’t know,” pondered Shart.  “That annoys me.”

“I wonder why she hasn’t brought up my battle with the Dark Overlord,” I stated.

Badgelor shrugged.  “She told me that she doesn’t believe you actually fought him.  She thinks you were bragging and making it up.” 

“That seems to be going around,” I said.  “She doesn’t believe you are the actual Badgelor, either.  So, what are the odds that anyone really believes we fought the Dark Overlord?” I asked. 

“And lived?  Not high,” responded the badger.  

“That might actually be a problem, Dum Dum,” said Shart.  “The number of fake Mayors that have appeared over the centuries is pretty extensive, as are the number of false Dark Overlord sightings.  I mean, even you could do a passable job of using Disguise and pretending to be the Dark Overlord, if you put your mind to it.”

Well, that was going to make my job harder.  I needed to kill Charles.  “Could we just kill him without any help?  Solo the world boss?”

“I’m not sure,” stated Shart hesitantly.  “It’s talked about, but you’d have to be crazy to really try it.”

“I say we try it,” said Badgelor crazily.  He was always a little psycho. 

I shook my head.  If no one believed that I was the legendary Mayor, there were going to be problems. How did you convince someone of something like that? Lacking any ideas, I went to my notifications. 

●   Level up, Cleric 13

●   Your Hit Point total is increased by 10.  Your Mana is increased by 10.

●   Your Hit Points have increased.  Your maximum Hit Points are now 700

●   You Mana has increased.  Your maximum Mana is now 260

●   You have learned the litany, Area 1

●   You have gained a perk.

A new litany would be useful.  I checked what Area 1 did.  It seemed to apply the effects of a single target spell over an entire small area, but at a reduced effectiveness.  Using it on Heal Damage halved the effectiveness of the spell, but it affected everyone within 1 log of the target. 

I pointed at a nearby bush and cast Holy Blast, speaking the words, “It doesn’t matter what comes, Bub!”  The spell caused a column of energy to flash down from the heavens and strike the bush.  My usual 7 points of Damage was reduced down to 3. 

“That’s actually kind of useless,” I said, examining the bush.  It was hardly damaged, but the blast was a log in diameter.  The problem was that 3 points of Damage was trivial to nearly everyone and everything. 

“Try it on a different spell,” said Badgelor, yawning.

“It works on more than just Holy Blast?” I questioned, instantly realizing how stupid that was.  Of course it did.  The new litany just expanded the a. of any spell I cast.  I needed to get out of the headspace of the world’s greatest RPG and start thinking like someone from Ordinal.  “Earth is weird.”

“Finally,” sighed Shart.

So, I tried the Area 1 litany on all my spells.  Mend sort of brought a bunch of things together, while still leaving big holes in whatever I made.  I rated that as semi-useful, if I was making a fishing net.  Heal Damage affected multiple plants, but the healing was halved.  That might be useful for bleeding effects over multiple nearby people, as Magical Healing tended to instantly stop such effects. 

“It doesn’t matter how I smite thee,” I proclaimed, swinging my now glowing sword.  Two afterimages of my sword appeared, following nearly a foot and a half to either side of the main blade.  All three glowed with a fainter light than my usual Smite, but, as I swung at a branch, all three did about the same amount of Damage.

“That’s different,” said Badgelor.  “I don’t think Charles ever bothered with that.”

“Yeah?  Maybe I can do something with this,” I said, generating the blades and swinging them around impressively.

●        You have struck yourself with a copy of Grebthar’s Sword.  You take 27 points of Damage.

“Bit hard to manage, though,” I said, swinging more carefully.

●        You have impressively struck yourself with a copy of Grebthar’s Sword.  You take 19 points of Damage.

“Wait, I got it now,” I continued.

●        You have remarkably struck yourself with a copy of Grebthar’s Sword.  You take 32 points of Damage.

“Dum Dum,” warned Shart.

●        You have dramatically struck yourself with a copy of Grebthar’s Sword.  You take 12 points of Damage.

“I almost have it,” I said.

●        You have extraordinarily struck yourself with a copy of Grebthar’s Sword.  You take 16 points of Damage.  You are Bleeding.  You take 3 points of Damage for the next 12 seconds.

“How the hell do you do this?” I cried out

.

●        You have amazingly struck yourself with a copy of Grebthar’s Sword.  You take 24 points of Damage.  You have severed your radial ligament.  You are disarmed. 

“Just stop,’ said Shart, as I somehow managed to cut my own arm.  My sword went flying from my grip.  It clattered to the ground uselessly, and I stared down at my bloody arms.

“How in the hell are you supposed to fight with multiple swords that appear out of nowhere?” I grumbled.  I started casting Heal Injury and Regenerate on myself.

“It's a specific pattern of attack,” explained Shart.  “There was a kind of honorable Paladin who had mastered it, but they guard atriums.”

“An atrium honor guard?” I asked.

“Yeah, I don’t understand the appeal personally,” said Shart.  Of course, when I needed the <system’s> help, it sentenced me to an apocalypse.  I’d given up on trying to figure out what the <system> even wanted anymore.  Only some loon with an inordinate amount of free time would attempt to figure it out.  I couldn’t imagine the fool who’d devote his life to mastering this degree of nonsense. 

“Man, she is going to town,” said Badgelor.  The golden bubble Julia was hiding in was leaking red blood in truly copious amounts. 

“Is the troll blood regenerating?” I asked.

“Yes,” replied Shart.  Oh, that actually made sense.

“Maybe chose a perk?” asked Badgelor, as we continued watching Julia’s bubble expel blood.  He had laser vision and didn’t much care for any of my ranged spells.

Diving into my perks, I found several that augmented Holy Blast.  The more I thought about it, though, the less useful it sounded.  I didn’t really have the Mana for a long-range shootout.  I needed something more efficient, like Smite.  There were multiple perks that helped Smite, but they were all chained.  You had to take three or more perks before Smite became truly useful.  My UnBound let me ignore level restrictions, not cherry pick perks that were deep into their trees. 

Perfect Smite would allow me to keep Smite active on all strikes by committing 10 times its cost in Mana to my weapon.  It was great, but, to get there, I had to take four other perks that were not particularly useful once you got the final perk.  The entry perk into the Smite tree was Improved Smite, which reduced the cost of your second strike by half. 

“You will be able to cherry pick Perfect Smite when you Remort next time,” said Shart.

That was at least an argument.  When you Remorted, you got to choose a handful of perks from your old classes.  Those perks were not restricted very much.  I could skip over Improved Smite and go straight to Perfect Smite.  However, I’d also have to be able to pay the cost to use Perfect Smite, and 30 Mana wasn’t cheap at low levels. 

“Does Smite ever get any better?” I asked, glancing at the spell.

●   Smite: On a successful hit, adds 1-8 Damage, plus bonus Damage equal to 5 times your Charisma modifier.  Damage is doubled vs. Undead, cost 3 Mana.

“You gain Smite 2 at level 14, unless you take the Expanded Domain perk,” stated the demon. “It adds an extra D8 of Holy Damage for 2 Mana.”

“Really, Shart?” I asked. 

“I can say 1 through 8 if it makes you feel better,” replied the demon.

I checked out Expanded Domain.

●   Expanded Domain, select a known spell, and it will be treated like a Domain Spell. 

That might be worthwhile.  Domain spells like Regeneration or Heightened Senses were upgradable through Talent Points.  They were much more useful than my normal spells.  The flip side was that I only gained so many Talent Points to spend on my Domains, and I’d be spreading points I got over a wider area. 

Then again, Divination was currently a bust for me.  Its high Mana cost restricted my options in combat.  There were other Divination spells other than Heightened Senses, but they were all Mana hogs.  I usually avoided them.  The more I thought about it, the less likely I would be progressing any further down that Domain, and all the Regeneration spells locked down your Mana Regeneration at higher levels. 

The problem was Concentration spells versus Committed Mana.  A Concentration spell only required you to use Mana once, and you could cast most other spells while still focusing on the spell you were Concentrating on.  However, you didn’t recover any Mana while you were doing that.  Given that most fights lasted long enough that you could recover a significant amount of Mana while fighting, that was a problem.  Committed Mana, on the other hand, required you to just lock down a section of your Mana pool, and you’d get the benefits of the spell. 

Between the two, Committed spells were weaker, but they didn’t have as many negative effects on your person. 

“Is there any way-” I began.

“Concentrated Mana Regeneration is a Master tier Mana Control perk,” replied Shart. “It lets you recover Mana normally while Concentrating.”

“I’m only Advanced in Mana Control,” I replied, which was short of Expert and infinitely far away from Master.

I selected Expanded Domain and Smite.  A menu popped up, showing my upgrades.  There were three branches.  The first branch was about expanding the effect of the spell, from causing it to slip around defense to shooting energy blades.  There were a bunch of other anime-inspired options that I would have to look over more thoroughly later.  The second branch covered increasing Damage, adding additional effects or Damage types, and increasing the efficiency of the spell. 

The third branch was the problem.  The moment I glanced at it, I noticed something was off.  That path allowed you to unlock the spell at earlier levels than normal.  I would normally gain access to Smite 2 at level 14, Smite 3 at level 24, and so on, topping off at Smite 6 at level 54.  I had the option to expend Talent Points to reduce the level at which I could gain access to those spells. That was different from my Regeneration spell, where I had to buy every rank.

“Why do I have to buy all the ranks of my actual Domain spells, but Smite gains levels automatically?” I asked.

“It's a native spell,” stated my demon.  “Your class gets Smite by default.  All you are doing is getting an enhanced version of that.”  I could understand that.  Julia was at a much higher level than me and had greater access to Healing Magic.  However, she didn’t have the Renew spell at all.  Likewise, I didn’t have access to Barriers through my Clerical class at all, which is what she invested all her perks into. 

Looking through the Domain, I saw that one Talent Point reduced the spell level by one, but each time the cost increased.  To reduce the level requirement by 2, I would have to spend 3 Talent Points total.  However, it would grant me access to each rank of the spell 2 levels earlier, instead of having to wait until level 14.  Nominally, the lower few levels would have been something to consider.  Unfortunately, the <system> decided to help.

●   Error detected, Domain Spell level check successful.  UnBound Trait detected.  <Admin> review successful.  Spell access granted.

●    

This wasn’t going to be good.  I felt my magical guts unclench, as Smite 2 was shoved into my mind.  It wasn’t a pleasant sensation, but I could deal with it.  Smite 3 followed moments later, dropping me to my knees.  Then came Smite 4, then Smite 5, and then Smite 6. 

Each rank of the spell was enormously more complicated than the previous version.  I felt my nose start to bleed, as I started to sag.  I was at my limit.  The amount of information thrown into my head threatened to overwhelm me.  Then, I got the notification for whatever was past Smite 6.

●   You have gained access to Divine tier magic.  Smite 7 is upgraded to Divine Smite!  You can now directly wield the power of the gods!  Hope your Mana pool can handle it.

●   Divine Smite:  Mana cost 53, base Damage 6-48 Holy, 2-16 Divine 

The knowledge of Divine Smite totally superseded the inferior Smite spell.  I was on my knees, drooling slightly.  Badgelor poked me in the head, and I fell over. 

“I just learned Divine Smite,” I said.  Badgelor frowned and slapped me.

“Jim’s talking nonsense,” stated the badger.

“Call me when something unusual happens,” replied Shart.

“Stop hitting me, furball,” I said, as Badgelor headbutted my skull.

“Ah, much better,” replied Badgelor.  “See, if something doesn’t work, just keep hitting it.  Eventually, it will work correctly.”

“I’ve never seen a technical tap performed on a human before.  Good to know,” stated Shart.

“They are strange and amazing creatures,” continued the badger.

“I just learned Divine Smite,” I repeated, making sure I was focused on the words.

“He’s still talking nonsense,” stated Shart.  Badgelor stepped back to get room for another charging headbutt.  I stuck out my hand to block him.

“I got the notification and everything,” I said. 

“Well, that’s unfortunate,” stated Shart.

“Why?  It's a high-level spell,” I replied, trying to stand up.  I failed.

“Show me.  Cast it on that tree,” ordered the demon.

I stood up, shaking free from the effects of the upgrades.  I grabbed my sword and focused my will on the blade.  Then, I spoke the words, “I shall smite thee, Bub!”

A fifth of my total Mana poured into the blade and stayed there.  It felt like having my soul sucked out.  The sword began to faintly glow, as my abused Mana network tried to process the energy. 

“This is taking a bit,” I said, as I felt the energy stabilizing in my sword.

“Yup,” yawned Badgelor, as I continued waiting.  And waiting.  After a good thirty seconds, the sword finally flashed the appropriate color, but only for an instant.  Then, it began to rapidly lose energy. 

I struck at the tree branch.  By the time I scored a hit, the sword had lost most of its energy.  The thick branch, having a ton of Hit Points, didn’t much care for the experience.  However, it also didn’t yield. 

“The hell?” I asked.

“This was bound to happen,” said Shart.  “You have a higher tier spell but none of the background skills required to actually use it properly.  Your Mana Control is shit, and you really haven’t even started the process of learning Holy Control.  It’s a requirement for using advanced Divine magic.”

●   You have learned about Holy Control.  You are unskilled.  Holy Control is the skill that controls your ability to use Holy Magic, dipshit. 

“I’m surprised it's not called Holyology or something,” I said, reviewing my menus. 

Badgelor snickered.  I rotated my head at him like a periscope.  That’s when he guffawed.  I thought about the names for a whole second. 

“They are all called that, and you are letting me use some old-timey names,” I growled.

“So, it sounds like you’re from the sticks,” laughed Shart.  “We are keeping up with your disguise.”

“Holy Control, Plasma Control,” I spat, “It's just Flame Control and Water Control, isn’t it?”

“Fire Control, actually,” said Badgelor.  “Flameology was a super old name back when I was a cub.”

“But the <system> always called them...” I growled.  Then, I realized something horrible.  “You wretched zit!  You are the one assigning all of the <system> messages.”

“Guilty as charged,” grinned the demon.

“Why?” I growled again.

“You named me Shart.  You figure it out,” laughed the shitty little fart. 

Well, shit, hoisted by my own petard.

“Great, now I have to either switch over to the modern names or keep running with the old-timey ones that I’m used to,” I grumbled, considering my options.  “I’m surprised there isn’t a Master Control skill or something.”

Shart grew really quiet.  After a long moment, he asked, “Is there?”

“No,” I said, bringing up my skill menu.  I seldom looked at it anymore, because there were skills for literally everything.  My Whistling skill was up to Novice, and my Self-Induced Burp skill was up to Initiate.  Using the filters, I cleared my skill list down to only the magical skills and reviewed the menu. 

Now that I knew how all my Magic Control skills worked, they were all in a cluster in the northern quadrant of the skill list.  My Lore skills were affiliated, and several had branches to many of the skill orbs.  I glanced at Fire Control with my Admin skill and checked the metadata, all while ignoring Shart’s background drivel.

●        Fire Control, Advanced.  <name> Flameology (inactive), Requires: Active Fire Core, Arcane Magic class level 5+.  Each additional Control Skill increases base level requirement by 5. 

So, if you learned multiple Control skills, you’d have to pick each of them at a higher level.  Of course, with my UnBound trait, I ignored the level requirements.  That meant the only thing limiting me was the absence of functional magical cores.

That was a bust for now, but I pinned it to the back of my mind for later.    

“What the feck am I supposed to do now?” I complained.

“With your current resources?  I don’t know,” stated Shart, “but I see what happened. Your Unbound allowed you to take all the ranks of the spell by bypassing the level requirements.  Your max level is over 65, meaning that you even got the upgraded version of the spell, but you are really only a level 13 Cleric. “

“Shit,” I groaned.  I’d expected something like that to happen eventually, but the reality of it was glaring.  The spell was supposed to be a capstone for a high-level Cleric.  I had taken it at such a low level that the power was next to worthless.  Even all the talents designed to reduce Mana cost were not going to help.  “So, I need to practice with it?”

“Obviously, but good luck.  Just casting won’t do a lot for you,” said Shart.  “You need to actually land blows with higher level opponents for the spell to really develop.  The window there is not large.”

There had been a moment where Smite was fully charged on my blade and ready for use, but that moment had been a fraction of a second.  Before and after, I could use the spell, but the Divine Damage, which gave the spell its real kick, lasted for enough milliseconds to be rated as good lag in an FPS. 

“Well, why not take your racial abilities?” asked Shart.  “After all, you are a superhuman now.  Something there should be helpful.”

“Racial abilities?” I asked, before cursing and checking my character sheet.  I was listed with superhuman as my race.  I had never noticed it before, but it was a selectable field.  Groaning, I clicked on superhuman, again cursing under my breath.  The powers were laid out in a series of rings.  The nearest ring was “human”, followed by “superhuman''. 

I hadn’t selected my human abilities, because no one had ever mentioned to me that there were human abilities.  Then, I saw what they were. 

“Well, the human powers all suck,” I said, glancing at several.  They seemed to be skill affinities, which didn’t appear to do anything at all.

“You have the <admin> skill.  Open up the skill and check all the metadata,” replied Shart.  I focused on that, opening the prompt again.  Finally, I got some useful data. 

●   Skill Affinity: You gain affinity with a skill.  Your Skill Points accrue at +25% rate.  Your maximum skill rank cap is reduced by 5.

I considered that for a moment.  Skill rank caps were not something I typically had to deal with.  Most adventurers on Ordinal were capped at their maximum skill rank, based on their class level.  Professionals were not, strangely, but they earned Skill Points so slowly that it didn’t matter in a practical sense. 

As someone with the Unbound talent, I wasn’t under those limits.  Therefore, the system didn’t display them. 

“With Jack of all Trades, I don’t see the 25% rate increase, either.  I already have that,” I said. 

“You get a cookie,” replied the demon. 

I exhaled.  At least I hadn’t screwed myself over this time.  The first ring of human racial abilities was useless to my current build.  Fortunately, the superhuman talents were far more useful, but I only had 3 points to spend. 

The first power I selected was True Healing.

●   True Healing: Your body will always heal true, restoring you to your original shape, as long as you are not under the effect of Shapeshifting magic.  Healing rate is doubled. 

You only had to lose a few digits and get one compound fracture while falling down a hole to realize that being able to heal from any injury would be useful.  Checking the effect, I saw that it would still take a long time to recover from a grievous injury, such as a missing arm.  However, it would happen.  Magical Healing would be superior, but my recent fall into the abandoned temple showed me that I had to have a non-magical alternative to healing.

Next, I found that I could directly expand my Health, Mana, or Stamina pool 25% by using a Talent Point.  That was actually an easy choice.  I increased my Stamina.  It was the most logical, considering I had Second Wind, which allowed me to recover most of my Stamina pool should it be depleted.     

I still had one point left, and that left me with a conundrum.  The human ring had two talents that appeared to be mutually exclusive.  One focused on the physical, while the other focused on the magical. 

●   God Body: The physical aspects of your body will become enhanced, causing you to have physical powers far in excess of what a normal human would possess.    

●   Mystical Mind: The mystical aspects of your mind will become enhanced, causing you to have magical powers far in excess of what a normal human would possess.   

I couldn’t select both, so I had to make a choice.  Which one would be more advantageous in fighting Charles?  Charles was a literal god of Magic; an argument could be made that I should avoid magic altogether and focus on the physical aspects of my build.  The flip side was that the magical side of my build gave me a significant number of advantages, as well, such as Divine Smite. 

Then, I remembered an old quote of Mark Twain.  “The best swordsman in the world doesn’t need to fear the second-best swordsman in the world.”  The person Charles would fear would not be a spell slinger.  It would be someone focused on Stamina-based skills. 

I selected God Body.

●        Strength, Dexterity, and Endurance increased by +1.  Maximum Stamina that can be expended on a skill check increased by 50%. Base Hit Points is set to 50, Base Stamina is set to 50, Base Mana is set to 30.  All levels grant +20 Hit Points, +20 Stamina, and +10 Mana. This overrides the class-based level gains.  Stat increases are normal. 

I grew taller, leaner, and even more ripped than I had been before.  That was saying something.  Though I’d never really bothered to learn the equation, I knew that increases to your physical stats made you larger.  I was clearly at least a few inches taller than I had been before. 

“What did it mean, ‘all levels grant +20 Hit Points’?” I thought, bringing up my character sheet.  Up until now, my casting classes granted +10 Hit Points and +10 Mana, while my physical classes granted +10 Hit Points and +10 Stamina.  Now, it looked like every time I leveled up, I’d gain the same number of Hit Points regardless of class.

“Did I miss something?” I asked, explaining the situation to Shart.

“Interesting,” said the demon.  “Looks like you missed the unification hack when you upgraded your body outside the Chamber of Souls.  Normally, when you take a Tier 2 class, you get the fully upgraded body right then.  Outside the Chamber, it's showing as a perk.”

“Can I take both?” I asked.

“Remember when you had two competing Mana networks?” asked Shart.  “It would be like that, but with your Health and Stamina pools as well.”

That was terrifying.  My soul had overheated when the two networks were combined in the same person, and I’d nearly died.  I did not want to repeat a worse version of that experience. 

That meant I’d be stuck with just one, for the moment.  I flexed my new body and felt the power coursing through it.  I was bigger, stronger, and faster than I had been before.  This was going to be interesting.

●   Jim, Cleric 13

●   Explorer 15

●   Duelist 16 (locked)

●   HP: 1095/1095

●   Mana: 590/590

●   Stamina: 1095/1095

●   Strength: +5

●   Dexterity: +7

●   Endurance: +4

●   Spirit: +1

●   Willpower: +3

●   Charisma: +5

Aside from the stat bumps and the height increase, nothing else seemed to have physically changed very much. My Hit Point total had grown massively, but I was coming to learn that Hit Points weren’t the only thing you needed to worry about. 

“At least I have more Stamina than Badgelor now,” I said.  The furry turd snickered. 

Grumbling, I drew my sword and made a few quick slashes.  Those seemed pretty much in line with my increased physical capabilities as well.  I was about to write off the whole thing as disappointing, but I realized that I could test with a non-weapon-based physical ability.  I jumped.

●        Jump:  You have successfully jumped 12 logs straight up.  Look out below.

There it was.  My Stamina-based abilities didn’t get more efficient, but I could now dump much more Stamina into them.  My jumping range was based on Strength and my Jumping Skill.  When I was in the dungeon, I could only manage eight logs in height, nearly twenty-one feet, due to a combination of my Strength of 4, and my Jump rank of 3. 

Currently, my rank in Jumping was 5, and my Strength was also 5.  I should be able to jump ten logs straight up.  I might even be able to tack on a bit more, if I used my Airborne Control to push myself up at the last moment.  However, to jump that high, I had to expend an enormous amount of Stamina, because the <system> calculated the amount of Stamina you had to spend based on the distance you were jumping.  The formula was the maximum height squared times four.  While I could now jump 10 logs straight up, it would cost me 400 Stamina to do so. 

However, I could now spend up to 600 Stamina at once.  The jump followed the same formula, so it only equated to two extra logs, straight up.  I used Airborne Control right before I landed to cushion my fall.  Badgelor glanced over at me impatiently.  I had splashed mud all over his furry body. 

That wasn’t very useful, but I could also jump vertically. 

Vertically, the ability to dump that much more Stamina into the jump meant that I could cover a lot more ground.  I could make a standing long jump of twenty feet easily, but I wondered what I could do with a sprinting start. 

Outside of combat, it didn’t take me very long to recover a significant amount of Stamina.  Within minutes, I was topped off and ready to go again.  Standing up, I spotted where I needed to go and ran toward it.  Badgelor watched me, as I sprinted and leapt.  As I launched myself, I could feel the calculation flying through my head.

●   Jump: Strength 5 Jump rank 5, distance 10 logs. Base cost, 40 Stamina, bonus 20 Stamina spent, total cost 80 Stamina.  Distance traveled, 15 logs.  Sprint Skill added to result, +5 logs.       

Using Sprint, I increased my effective distance by five logs.  As I exploded through the rain, I used Airborne Control at the last moment to expand the distance just a bit more.  In the end, I managed to leap twenty-four logs through the air.  I also managed to land with enough force to necessitate a tuck and roll.  I splashed through a mud puddle, unfortunately, causing a blast of mud to shoot off in all directions.   

“That was almost a basketball court,” I said in wonder.  The world record on Earth for a long jump was almost nine meters, I had nearly tripled that.  There was still enough Earthling in me to be impressed by that sort of thing. 

I was superhuman.

Julia screamed.

I was also within arm’s reach of the back side of Julia’s barrier.  She’d turned the protective device into a half shield, so she could cleanse herself privately.  I had blatantly leapt, and I had a perfect shot of her.  She stood there covered from head to toe in bloody mud. 

I dodged the buzzsaw she shot at me, while she fully hid herself.  I quickly turned away, thankful for my Pickpocketing skill.

Chapter 31 - Slap Happy

“It was an accident,” I said, rubbing my cheek.  Julia was a slapper, which was good to know.  I had considered slapping her back, but I’d decided better of it.  She was just waiting on me to do it, and then all hell would have broken loose.

“You are forgiven,” she said in a tone that offered no forgiveness. 

“How does this sting so much?  I have perks,” I sent to Shart.

“She has the Slapping skill, along with some perks that go with it,” stated Shart. “It's a rare skill, but it’s not uncommon among the upper nobility.”

“Well, that’s good information to have,” I grumbled, checking to see if my tooth was still loose.  My new talent had resolved that issue quickly enough, so I just let it go.  Don’t peep on Julia, even if she has a great figure and a very flat tummy.  I was going to bring up the fact that I had seen her naked before, but she still looked slaphappy.

We walked through the woods in companionable silence.  Badgelor was asleep on my shoulder.  We had moved just north of the mine, growing closer to a road that led to the castle in the east and Windfall in the west.  Mar’s last note indicated that they were nearing the end of castle work, and the Lute of Reconstruction was going to be moved back to Windfall to improve repair speeds there. 

“You are taller,” Julia stated after ten minutes or so.  We went through small spats of either unremarkable conversation or total silence, depending on her mood. 

“Yes, it's a Remort thing,” I said.  She glanced at me for a long moment, then frowned.

“I don’t suppose you’d let me in on it?” she asked.  The actual Remort process was so uncommon as to be the stuff of legends.

“I’m honestly surprised you haven’t read a book on it,” I said.

“I have,” replied Julia, who became quiet for a long moment.  “The books are contradictory.  There have been many authors that have written on the process of Remorting, but most of them disagree on the particulars.  I believe a few are even outright false.”

“Someone has been planting fake books on Remorting?” I asked.

“It looks that way,” replied Julia.  The princess appeared to be deep in thought.  “After Grebthar’s time, a great amount of information was gathered up about the Remorting process.  Over the next several hundred years, after the Breaking, many of those libraries were burned.  Scholars wrote new books about Remorting, but those aren’t based on primary sources.”

“The Breaking?” I asked.

“You know so much knowledge about the Ancients but not about the Breaking?” grinned Julia.  “If you were an Easterner, you might have heard it called the Wars of Liberation.  Grebthar’s empire included the whole continent, as well as the eastern islands.  After his death and the death of the Dark Overlord, there wasn’t a driving force keeping the empire together.  Eventually, two of the generals each claimed one of the Treasures of Rule and left the empire.”

“The kingdoms of HarCharles and TimSimons?” I asked.

“Hardly, though those kingdoms did rise up on the bones of the previous kingdoms that existed there.  You see, the original generals claimed the treasures through treachery, and the kings that followed thought that was a fine idea.  They end up having a massive war every forty years or so, with the victor getting the treasure,” explained Julia.  She turned her head to the sky and watched a cloud for a moment.  “Falcon has always had a government and a nobility that keeps the nation functional, even if we have a few dynastic struggles from time to time.”

“That’s an understatement,” I replied, remembering how often they had minor civil wars.  Julia’s branch of the family had only been in charge for about two decades.  I knew their power had already been challenged once.  With her father dead, other branches of her family were moving to claim the throne. Julia wasn’t even in the running for queen of Falcon.

Julia rolled her eyes.  “Everyone always talks about how terrible Falcon’s government is.  We’ve heard that for the past millennia.  While they explain how awful our form of government is, the northern and southern provinces are busy completely tearing themselves apart with every succession.”

I frowned at that.  Her descriptions made TimSimons and HarCharles sound more like warlords than kings.  In a way, that made sense.  As much as I hated to admit it, adventurers were much better than normal people.  They could amass power much more quickly than a normal person could.  With the right attitude, someone who wanted to be king could step up and be a tremendous king.  However, the way they kept their rule was a King of the Hill situation.  They would always have people attempting to rise up and off them.

That explained one other thing I had noticed.  Most adventurers that I’d encountered stopped leveling up somewhere in the thirties.  In all of Falcon, only HarDragon, Maggie, and Julia had been over level 40. 

“Shart, is there a reason adventurers stop leveling up?” I asked.

“Aside from that stupid treaty?” responded Shart.  “Yes, the mutually agreed upon rules for leveling say that someone in their thirties is fine.  If you level up past that, people are going to start noticing you.  You better have someone capable of protecting you.”

“Or be able to protect yourself?” I questioned.  “Julia is level 44, because the King could protect her.”

“If she wasn’t closely allied with the king, someone would have assassinated her by now,” added Shart.  I remembered a conversation I’d had with Julia.  She knew entirely too much about assassins for me to want to delve any deeper into that point.

Someone had already tried to assassinate me once. 

“I knew everyone was entirely too comfortable with assassination in Falcon,” I groaned.  Their politics was some sort of Machiavellian game.  Instead of outright war, they pretended at it, and they did most of their business in the shadows.  That explained the stupid fake war they were fighting.  It also explained why the adventurers went along with it.

They were keeping their heads down, letting the royal branches kill each other over it.  That kind of fighting usually meant that people like Julia were exiled or married off, rather than killed.  However, her direct underlings would be fair game to weaken her position.  She had been outmaneuvered right off the bat.  Her entire organization had been dismantled before she had a chance to make a move. 

That meant she was desperate, and desperate people did stupid things.  I was going to have to keep a close eye on Julia. 

“It's not all bad,” said Shart, as I considered the problem.  “With everyone trying to keep their levels down, they tend to not have large scale wars.”

“Because warfare is good for experience?” I asked.

“Specifically, PVP is great for experience,” stated Shart.  “It’s a very high risk, very high reward situation.  Normally, adventurers who survive going to war go up ten or more levels.”

“But many don’t survive?” I questioned.

“Most don’t survive.  Everyone there is a walking Experience Point bank,” answered Shart.  “Actual wars are usually bloodbaths.  No quarter asked or given.”

I swallowed.  That made the Falconian version of war somewhat more palatable, at least when compared to the alternative.  Dalton and SueLeeta had gone off to war.  I wondered what levels they had managed to obtain.     

“I think that is the mine,” said Julia, pointing toward the small hill where the mine resided.  We had been angling south after the river.  Ironpass Mine was a large enough landmark that it would be impossible to miss, though I had hoped she wouldn’t know what that lone hill meant. 

“What are you going to do when we get to Windfall?” I asked.  It was a conversation we had had before.  I was hoping that she would eventually either give me a straight answer or accidentally show a card or two in her hand. 

She glanced over at me with a very calculating look.  Sighing, she said, “I’ve decided I’m going to see how you are handling Windfall.”

“As the Mayor?” I replied.

“As the fake mayor,” continued Julia.  “There is no way you are the actual Mayor.  I’m just hoping that, in your winemaker’s list of skills, you have some for proper town Administration.  When the actual Mayor gets here, we can just hand the town over to him.  We might even be able to save your life.”

“And if I am the real Mayor?” I continued.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” stated Julia flatly.

“You don’t trust anyone,” I said. 

“It comes with being a princess,” she replied, pausing to erect a large, golden barrier to block the now pelting rain.  “You, Not O’Really, the Curious Puppy and BFF of Sir Dalton, are not the Mayor.  I have spent my life researching the Mayor, and you are not him.  You are just a very skilled liar and a Remort.”

I slumped my shoulders and gestured for her to continue.  There was a slight upturn to her lip at such a perfunctory gesture, but she figured she had won the exchange.  She didn’t need to gloat.

“You are claiming you fought the Dark Overlord,” she said, watching me.

“Yes,” I replied simply. 

Julia rolled her eyes.  “I wouldn’t go around mentioning that, even if you are a Remort.  The likelihood of a simple Remort taking on the Champion of Evil sounds a bit insane.”

“You don’t think I fought him?” I asked.

She sighed.  “Even if I’m being nice, the best I can say is that I believe you think you fought him.  The royal family has been dealing with fake Dark Overlords for centuries.  It wasn’t really him you fought.”

“And if I disagree?” I replied.

“It doesn’t matter.  You don’t have any evidence that you fought him,” said Julia.

“You could just ask Shart,” I stated.

She stared at me flatly.

“You could just ask Kevin,” I ground out.

“Let's do that,” said Julia.  “Oh, Kevin, did Jim fight the Dark Overlord?”

I adjusted myself discreetly, as Shart magically appeared between the two of us.  “Yes, he did.  Also, the Dark Overlord is really Grebthar!”  Julia watched the demon for a moment.  He vanished, and then she looked at me. 

“You see the problem.  He’s not bonded to me.  Therefore, he will lie about everything,” stated Julia.  “He’s about as trustworthy as you are with your Dark Overlord story.”

“But you’ve certainly asked him questions before,” I said.

“I know most of the answers already.  I’m just getting him to confirm stray pieces of information.  He’s wrong quite a bit,” she said confidently.  That was actually a Shart problem.  He knew a tremendous amount about a large number of things, but he wasn’t always right.  He got details wrong fairly often. 

Shart was what I’d consider Google smart.  He knew how to look things up and answer questions quickly, assuming he had access to the <system>.  Without <system> help, his information was often far from perfect. 

“I’m surprised you haven’t asked him about the Mayor of Windfall,” I said.

“I have.  I’ve used multiple ways and as many directions as I can think of,” she replied.  “He says it's you.”

“It is Jim,” screamed the little turd. 

“See, you can’t trust him at all,” said Julia.  “Don’t worry, I’ll let the real Mayor bond with him.  Then, we can get some real answers.” 

“Is that your big, secret plan?” I asked.  “Gather up as many Treasures of Rule as possible and hold Windfall until the Mayor arrives?”

“Part of it, but we are getting ahead of ourselves.  What else do you need to fight the Dark Overlord?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“Windfall,” I guessed.  That was the part of her plan that she did not currently have in her possession. 

Julia sighed expansively.  “Sure, the town, but Windfall is just a place.  I’m sure it's a dilapidated mess.  I’m sure you’ve tried your best, but we will need to repair it.  We need to prepare it for the real Mayor to return and claim it.”

“How will you know who the real Mayor is?” I asked curiously.

“Well, the Mayor will be an epic hero, ready to go battle the Dark Overlord.  Someone who can stand up for all that is good and just!  The Mayor of Windfall will be Legendary!”

I snorted.  “That’s a pretty tall order.”

“Of course, you’d say that,” stated Julia.  “You are Just Jim.”

That hurt.  “I’m pretty sure the Mayor of Windfall spends every waking moment trying to kill the Dark Overlord.”

“Jim, simple, curious Jim,” stated Julia in a condescending fashion, “If you build it, he will come!  For there to be a proper Mayor of Windfall, there needs to be a proper Windfall.  That is going to be our quest!”

“I’ve already been rebuilding Windfall,” I said, as we stood in the rain.  The entire mine was at the top of a broad hill but climbing directly there through the mud was not in the cards.  I started heading southwest, and Julia followed me.  That’s when she spotted the town wall in the distance.  She frowned and headed straight for it, as her barrier winked out. 

It was pouring.  We had been hit with the occasional bout of intense rainfall since we’d started walking.  It was the difference between heavy rain and rain falling so hard that you couldn't tell what direction it was coming from.  

“So, rebuilding Windfall will bring the real Mayor?” I yelled, as a blast of wind caused me to rock uncomfortably.  After her barrier had fizzled, Julia had switched to Endure Elements.  The wind was causing the rain to move nearly horizontal with stinging precision. 

“When the Mayor shows up, I want him to have a town worthy of him.  Then, he can focus on defeating the Dark Overlord,” smiled Julia.  “You are still a Remort.  I’ll beg for forgiveness for you, and he’ll let you help.”

“I thought I was Just Jim?” I remarked.

“The Mayor is going to need allies, powerful allies.  A Remort fits that bill nicely,” stated Julia, grinning.  She was becoming more animated as we walked.  It was an interesting change of pace for her.  Julia was typically very serious, so her more girlish mode was kind of adorable.  She reminded me a bit of my wife whenever she got excited about something.

I missed a step at that.  I hadn’t been thinking about her much lately. 

“So, you are planning to whore me out to this legendary Mayor of Noobtown?” I asked.

“Grebthar called it Noobtown one time, and I’m pretty sure he was joking.  He also called it Flavortown once,” grumbled Julia, before smiling back at me.  “You are partially correct.  The other problem is an old edict that was laid down.  It prevents any members of the royal house from declaring themselves the Mayor of Windfall, for obvious reasons.”

“Meaning?” I asked.

“I’m going to have to let you claim to be the mayor of Windfall,” she said ambivalently. “Temporarily, of course.  Just until the real one shows up.”

“I don’t know if I’d want to step on that epic, amazing guy’s toes.  I mean, I already have a title and everything,” I replied.

“Jim, the Curious Puppy, is hardly a title,” she said.  “All it does is keep people from making stupid jokes about your name.  No one would make fun of Jim, the Mayor of Windfall.”

“You’d be surprised,” I replied. 

“Well, I said it would only be temporary.  Anyway, everybody is going to know you aren’t the real Mayor,” she snorted. 

“You were upset when I claimed to be the Mayor before,” I chuckled.

“You are a Remort, so I can’t exactly stop you.  The actual Mayor will smack you down properly.  Then, I’m sure he will offer you a hand up,” she said.  “After all, he’ll need help to fight the Dark Overlord.”

“But I did fight the Dark Overlord,” I hissed.

“Sure you did, Curious Puppy.  I’m betting he’s laying somewhere wounded, moaning out your name in the Inner Sanctum,” replied Julia. 

Chapter 32 - The Inner Sanctum

“Jim,” moaned the Dark Overlord, as the searing pain of the plasma blast tore into him again and again.  It forever haunted his dreams.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in such pain.  In a flash, it came back to him.

“Fucking badger,” Charles groaned, checking his character sheet.  It was still bad.  Someone had dared to wound him.  This whole place could burn; he knew what he had to do.  Accessing his menus, Charles opened the pod.  As he stepped from the chamber, the healing tentacles that were wrapped around him pulled away.

She was gone.  After considering that for a moment, Grebthar decided he was relieved.  She had always been too much work.  Now that she styled herself the Sphinx, out of ancient Grebtharian legend, she was too much times two. 

“I should have never claimed that stupid title,” hissed Charles, examining his old room.  She had her way here too.  All of his possessions had been enshrined.  Everything in the room screamed stalker. 

That didn’t matter, though.  He was almost done.  Before the betrayal, he had been so close to his goal.  That hurt more than the burning wound in his chest.  He had been steps away from success.  Then, Grebthar, for the first time on Ordinal, had truly failed. 

But we survived.

The little voice still whispered to him, despite everything.  Charles considered that for a long moment and walked into his workshop.  It took him a moment to find, but, despite everything, she always kept a bottle hidden somewhere.  He uncorked the foul corn whiskey and took a swallow, letting his Resistances dip to the point where he could sense the alcohol’s effects. 

The plan could still work.  He just needed the right tools.  If he was fast enough, the Dark Overlord might even get them before the Mayor was ready to stop him.  The thought of that was enough to make him laugh.

Grebthar’s eyes found the old painting, masked in illusion.  He bared his teeth.  He was smiling that big fake smile.  It was the one he always used whenever he was in public.  It even looked natural in this painting.

The Dark Overlord held up his hand and looked at the stumps that used to be fingers.  He would recover, of course, just not any time soon.  Instead, he raised his other hand and focused his Flame Control.  The painting began to burn away.

First, he removed the fool Grebthar, delighting as his face vanished in the smoke.  Then, he burned through the fool woman who had brought him this far.  Finally, he watched the flames dance toward Badgelor.  Try as he might, he couldn’t force himself to use magic to blot out the traitor. 

Charles wailed.  Badgelor was young, confident, and happy.  He was following Charles, and, unlike everyone else since Charles had come to Ordinal, the stupid badger didn’t have any agenda.  There was nothing more than his Badger’s Promise. 

Now, he had turned away, too.

The Dark Overlord sneered.  “If we grab it, the plan can still be successful.

Charles considered it.  In that respect, the prophecy was pretty simple.  If he could accomplish it, then the way would be open to him.  It would be bloody and terrible, but he’d done bloody and terrible before.  He just needed the right tools.  He just needed to kill the right people. 

And he needed the right demon.

The Mayor was going to try to stop him again, but this time he was ready.  No joking around.  The Dark Overlord would triumph over the Mayor.  He would slay the Mayor and the infuriating Badgelor. 

A little part of Charles screamed at that, but he cast that part aside.  He would still do this.  For once, he had his own plans. 

Chapter 33 - Preparing Pirate Plans

“Queenie,” stated Dori curtly.  She saluted no one, not even the Queen of the Inner Sea.  The queen just ignored the breach in protocol.  After all, Chosen did not obey the laws assigned to mere commoners.

“Did they see you?” the queen finally asked, not looking up from her charts.  She had to ignore Dori’s breach of etiquette; she did not have to like it. 

The Harvest had taken a ballista bolt, causing unusual damage in their failed attack on that blasted fishing boat.  Now, the ship had fallen off her fleet menu entirely, meaning that some bastard had either captured or destroyed it.  In short, the queen was in a worse mood than usual. 

“The Dashing Dandies captured the relic,” stated Dori cautiously. 

The queen growled.  “Of course, they did!  This entire journey has been one big feck up after another.”

“It looks like the trolls managed to drop the barrier two full levels, but then they got attacked,” said Dori uncomfortably. 

“Stupid regenerating idiots!  They probably headed straight there as soon as I gave it to them.  Those fecking townies most likely lured them into an ambush,” growled the queen, glaring at Dori. 

Dori blanched under the withering gaze.  “That looks to be exactly what happened.”

They had set sail immediately after taking the ring.  Upon arrival, they had found the barrier intact.  The trolls were rather ineffectively laying siege to the town.  Luckily for the queen, or so she thought, she had a rather interesting item in her possession.  Years ago, when she was first searching the town, the queen had found a goblin-made barrier breaching device.

In a match made in heaven, she’d provided it to the trolls.  They were to breach the barrier and sack the town.  If the orb was in Windfall, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything to it.  She’d used her Lawyering skill to protect the only building in town that she cared about. 

But they had failed, and now she was stuck with only one course of action.  

The queen continued to glare at Dori for a long moment.  The slip of an adventurer twisted under her gaze, until something pinched Queen.  The pirate spun around to see Stormwind’s cross eyes sternly examining her.  The monkey had already scurried away from her shoulder.  The queen inhaled sharply. 

“It was a long shot anyway,” sighed the queen, turning back to Dori.  The hawk rider looked visibly relieved.  It had not been.  The goblin relic she’d found in Windfall had probably already been used at some point to defeat the barrier.  The trolls were idiots, and there was nothing to be done for that. 

After all, she still had one more option. 

“I was always confident that the main plan would work.  The trolls were handy but too stupid to count on.  As luck would have it, my old adventurer friend was nearby.  She is already in Windfall, showing us how ineffective that barrier really is,” said the queen steadily.  That actually bothered her a little.  Her resource was a very skilled Assassin that tended to work out of the Vinelands.  That meant a trip should have taken a few days, but she had reported that she was already there.   

It could just mean that she had a safehouse in Kellogg, the most western town in all of Falcon.  You could practically see Windfall’s wall from there.  Of course, the Guardians were supposed to stop people from crossing the border, but were they ever really tested?  The queen idly wondered if the Guardians even still worked. 

It would be a fine joke, if the invincible Guardians that protected Grebthar’s Land had fallen apart.

“What about the storm?” asked Dori uncomfortably. 

“We are tucked away in a hidden harbor, and there are wards,” stated the queen confidently.  “We will be fine.  I understand your birds will be grounded until the storm clears up.” 

Even the weather had turned against them.  Sailing in that monster was going to be a challenge, even with her druid’s help.   

The other thing that worried her was that a member of the Royal House of Falcon had been aboard the fishing boat.  Only the royal family’s aura was consistently golden.  Sev hadn’t mentioned that tidbit about Julia in his debriefings, for some reason, and he should have known better.  The queen was going to have to tear him a new one for holding back information.   

Sev had even seen her name tag, but Julia was such a common name among the leading families of Falcon.  That information alone was worthless.  It could have been anyone from any of the members of the lowly cadet branches to Princess Julia herself.  Sadly, that bit of Assassin insurance was annoying.  How were you supposed to figure out which of your cousins you were trying to kill if you didn’t recognize their faces? 

The queen briefly considered that one of her cousins had participated in the underwater battle, but then thought better of it.  First off, the golden light that was the family's trademark appeared to be yellow underwater.  Secondly, there had been so much dust kicked up in the battle.  When the queen had spotted the caster, she hadn’t been entirely sure of the exact hue.  Finally, it didn’t matter.  With their ship destroyed, it wasn’t like whichever cousin of hers that was would be able to do very much. 

Plus, her hands had been kind of full with that Jim fellow.  The “BFF of Sir Dalton” was an odd phoenix.  The queen idly wondered what strange combination of perks allowed him to function so well underwater.  He was probably a bit of a loon, to go for an underwater fighting build.

Dori realized that the queen had dismissed her.  She quickly finished playing with the monkey and hurriedly left the room.  As Dori stepped out and closed the door, the Queen sighed loudly, relaxing her shoulders.  Her monkey watched her for a long moment. 

“Spank, you can go and play with Dori,” said the queen, causing the little monkey to scurry from the room. 

“Did you finally calm down?” muttered her Druid, yawning expansively.  The queen blushed slightly.  The sight of Stormwind’s body was quite impressive, especially considering what the caster thought passed as clothing. 

“Yes, I have.  We will just have to wait here until the barrier is disabled,” stated the queen, as she stepped from her cabin and went to the rear-facing balcony.  She proudly looked out over her fleet.  A fleet of five ships was not all that threatening compared to the might of the entire Falcon navy.  However, she had an adventurer for each of her ships, although some were more competent than others. 

Four ships.  The queen gritted her teeth.  Oh, well.  She could always capture another ship later.  She had lost commoners, and even that captain was easily replaced.   

The Druid stood next to her and yawned even more expansively.  Wearing an outfit that consisted of a handful of belts left nothing to the imagination.  Especially the thong he wore in place of proper pants. 

“Pants?” she stated, staring at his backside before shaking her head. 

“Perish the thought, love,” he replied, walking behind her and placing his broad arms around her shoulders.  “The magic doesn’t work right if I’m all hidden away.”

He was a primal caster.  He might be telling the truth, depending on what perks and talents he’d selected.  She dropped the topic.  His impractical armor was nice to look at, at least.

“Aren’t you going to comment on how foolhardy my plan is?” she asked, turning back to face him.  Unlike most of the Sailors, his magic frequently saw his nearly naked body blasted with storm water.  In other words, he was clean.  That meant it was her duty to make him dirty again.

“Love, you are the brains of this outfit, and I’m the beauty,” he replied.  She found a buckle and released it.  She had better things to do, but it was her third favorite buckle.  His cape fluttered to the ground.  “If you think it's a sound plan, I’m happy to help.  Just remember, I do still have a veto.”

She frowned slightly at that.  “You were serious about the veto?”

Stormwind Blossomtop nodded at his queen.  “I am very much interested in growing old with you, so, yes, I was very serious.”

“This will work,” she stated, as another belt came free.

“I should hope so,” replied Stormwind.

“I mean the plan,” she replied.

“At this very moment, I’m not really worried about the plan,” he grinned.

Chapter 34 - Return to Windfall

“You seem chipper,” I commented, as we slogged from the woods and onto the main road leading to Windfall.

“I’m just curious to see how you’ve managed the town,” replied Julia.  She always grew a bit whimsical when entering a new town.  I wondered if I should buy her something once we got there.  “How did you handle the repairs?  What are your popularity numbers looking like?”

“You don’t think I ruined everything?” I asked curiously.

“I mean, you are a Remort with the Engineering skill.  I doubt you did anything critically wrong,” said Julia, peeking over at me.  “Look, you aren’t a legendary hero.  However, managing a small town should be well within your capabilities.”

“Windfall really isn’t a small town,” I replied, as we inched ever closer to the stonework.  The city wall grew taller and taller as we approached. 

“I imagined it smaller,” she said finally. 

“Don’t you have maps?” I asked.

“Not really.  I mean, a map would be handy, but we weren’t allowed to keep any copies,” answered Julia, running some mental math.  She stopped and stared.  “That’s the size of a small city.”

“It's the size of the old capital of the world,” I replied, gesturing for her to follow me.  Julia blushed slightly, realizing she was standing there with her mouth slightly agape.  She quickly walked to my side. 

Windfall’s eastern gate was the largest and most impressive gate in the whole city.  Part of the reason for that was because we kept getting attacked on that side.  That fact had led us to spend a great deal of time repairing that section of the wall.  However, this side also faced Falcon.  The western gate was nearly as large, but it was far less ornate.  It had faced a whole bunch of nothing during Grebthar’s day.

As we finally grew close enough that the rain wasn’t really inhibiting her line of sight anymore, Julia’s expression changed to one of bewilderment.  I wasn’t sure if it was the perfectly maintained eastern wall or the flapping banner.

It was probably the banner.  I didn’t know what Grebthar’s banner had been, but I doubted it was a bright purple dinosaur. 

As we grew ever closer, we could see movement behind the large, open gate.  The rain was still pouring down.  Even through it, we could see the movements of many people just beyond the gate.  The square looked like a truly hopping place.  Julia’s whimsical expression changed to one of curiosity.  She was seriously side-eyeing me by the time we walked through the gate. 

It wasn’t hard to set up a quest.  I had sent one nearly thirty minutes prior.  It said that I was coming back into town in half an hour.  Giving the first fifty people who came to the gate twenty Experience Points each should have been enough to get a few people to show up, even if it was pouring rain. 

I didn’t expect the entire town.  The giant ‘Welcome back, Mayor’ banner was probably a bit much. 

“I hate you so much right now,” growled Julia, as we walked toward the square.  “I don’t care what your insane reasoning is!  There are some things that simply cannot be done.”

“What?” I muttered.

“You have them all convinced that you are the actual Mayor,” she answered gruffly.  “I expected better of you, lying to all these people.”

I sighed.  We strolled into Windfall.  I changed my name tag to read “Jim, Mayor of Windfall.”  Saying that Julia was a touch upset would be putting it mildly.  She had entered that state of quiet fury that only a truly pissed off woman could.  She wasn’t upset that I was claiming to be the Mayor, though.  No, that would have been too simple.  She was mad that I convinced other people to go along with my lie. 

“I’m not lying,” I replied, walking into the eastern market square.  The cheers were a nice touch. 

I walked over and shook Mar’s hand.  “Thank you for keeping the place running smoothly.”

Mar looked uncomfortable at my show of appreciation.  When I’d been with the caravan, I’d realized Mar’s job was a lot harder than I’d thought it was.  I nodded at Blots, and he smiled back at me.  The two were safely nestled underneath an umbrella, looking quite cozy together. 

Several of the nearby shops had set up impromptu awnings.  Despite the late hour, there were cups of hot wakeupjuice and apple tarts. 

HankAlvin walked over and looked at my armor.  “I suspect you’ll want all that repaired tomorrow?”

I drew my sword and showed it to him.  “Yes, and anything you could do to get this repaired as well.”

Julia boggled.  My sword was literally called Grebthar’s Sword.  In her world, I’d be carefully watching it while a master smith performed needed repairs.  HankAlvin looked at it for a moment and whistled.  “I assume there is a story behind this?”

“When don’t I have stories?” I replied with a smile.

“Bring it by tomorrow,” the Blacksmith replied.

Voan walked right up to Julia and looked at her for a long moment.  “She’s not my mother.”

I shook my head sadly.  “No, but she is a...” Then, Julia cut me off.

“I’m a Healer,” she smiled at the child.  “Jim brought me back to heal his friend.”  Julia’s extremely pissed expression had vanished instantly.  People were observing her, so decades of courtly instincts kicked in.  She nodded and smiled at Voan.  “I’ll be happy to help anyone I can.”

That took the wind out of the impromptu party.  Fenris was still badly injured.  As much as everyone was happy that I had come back, they wanted stalwart Fenris healed.  They all figured I could manage it. 

I was going to disappoint them. 

The little party broke up after that.  It was still pouring, and the Experience Points had been handed out already.  I led Julia off, while Mar and Blots saw to everyone else. 

“Windfall has a working barrier,” said Julia, as we walked.  I knew the defacto capitol of Falcon did not.  “I assume you know how to program it.”

Julia wasn’t a member of the town, but she also wasn’t hostile.  When we’d regularly started getting guests, I’d reduced the fidelity of the barrier somewhat.  Presently, humans could come and go as they pleased.  Only violent acts in town set the barrier alarms off. 

Due to Kappa’s presence, the wargs could technically enter the town.  None of them ever bothered to do so.  Goblins and trolls would spontaneously combust if they ran into the shield, and that’s the way I liked it. 

We continued.  Windfall didn’t have guards patrolling the streets, because we had a barrier.  It was raining so hard that I didn’t think anyone would accost us anyway. With the current population and lower barrier security, I was going to have to work on a police force soon.  That was just one of a thousand problems a mayor had to deal with.   

Julia walked over to me.  I extended my arm, and she rolled her eyes.  We started walking slowly, despite the terrific rain.  We both had Endure Elements active, so the water was more of a nuisance than anything.  The small square just inside the eastern gate gave out to Windfall’s main street.  If it had been earlier, or if the rain had been less, we could have seen all the way to the fountain. 

Given that the eastern and western gates were prime real estate, all the buildings around those areas were occupied.  I continued down the road, and Julia’s eyes grew wider and wider.

“How many squatters have you let into Grebthar’s Lands?” asked Julia.  Now that we were walking down the main road, the wind had died down sufficiently.  She brought her golden umbrella back online and continued looking from building to building. 

“Hundreds,” I ventured.  “No one was here when I found it, so I claimed it.  Everything is perfectly legal.” 

“That’s not how this is supposed to work,” growled Julia.  “Grebthar was supposed to fall from the sky and reclaim the town.”

“I did fall from the sky,” I replied. 

“And that’s really Badgelor, right?” growled Julia, gesturing at the sleeping badger on my shoulder.

“Ah, now you are getting it,” I smiled and kept walking.

“If that’s really Badgelor, he’d be over 1000 years old,” said Julia.

“Around that,” replied Badgelor, yawning. 

“Ha!  Everyone knows that an Animal Companion doesn’t age while his person is alive,” smiled Julia.  Grebthar has been gone so long, that the real Badgelor would surely be dead.”

“That thought process might not work out as well as you’re hoping,” I replied, as we carried on down the street.  Julia created an upside-down barrier.  I watched it gather water for a long moment.  She rapidly flipped it, dumping it on my head.  Endure Elements had limits. That much water seemed to be the breaking point.  My spell tried valiantly, but I was still drenched. 

Julia stormed past me.  

As we walked, the princess looked everywhere, trying desperately to take it all in.  The townhouses on the main street were all in good shape.  I thought Julia was more than a bit disappointed that I had not screwed everything up.  I had deprived her of something else to get mad about.  Mar and the construction crews knew their craft, though.  We passed perfectly maintained townhouse after perfectly maintained townhouse.  Finally, Julia stopped me.

“That’s Grebthar’s house,” she said, pointing at the large, well-appointed manor.  “It even has the badger door in the front door, just like in Season 3, Episode 4, ‘Do or Do Not, and Other Backward Reasoning!’  It's so well-maintained and cared for!”

“Yup,” I said, walking up the stairs and sitting Badgelor on the porch railing.  He yawned and stretched.  “Do you want to come into my house?”

“You took Grebthar’s house?” shrieked Julia.  The princess held more than a shred of incredulity in her voice.

“I took the mayor’s house,” I replied.  Julia turned apoplectic. 

Ignoring her, I opened the door, coming face to face with Ashe, my maid.  She looked at me in shock.  I hadn’t informed her when I’d be back.  She did the only thing she could logically do at that moment. 

●   Block Successful: You have successfully avoided a dagger attack.      

“Getting faster, Ashe.  That militia training is really improving your technique,” I said, after I had deflected the blade into the doorframe.  Her knee-jerk reaction was always to try to poke me with a knife.  I gestured to Julia.  “This is Julia.  She may be staying with us for a while.  Don’t stab her.”

Ashe stared at me, the knife, and, finally, Julia.  Nodding dumbly, she replied, “Sure.”

“We just got back into town, and I’m headed over to the Creek House.  I just need to get changed,” I said.  I was wearing the same armor I had been wearing for days.  To put it mildly, it was getting very uncomfortable. It also stank to high heaven.

Ashe was staring agape at Julia, who’s hair was still up in the cinnamon bun style.  Suddenly, Badgelor walked in.  As he walked by, the badger took a moment to smear his cheek against Ashe’s leg.  I was never sure if that was a sign of love, friendship, or respect.  On further consideration, I realized he was probably marking her as his main food delivery source.  

“I was just headed out,” she replied numbly. 

“No worries!  I’ll just head up to my room to change,” I replied, gesturing to Julia.  She was still standing outside on the porch.

Ashe’s eyes went wide.  She very quickly said, “I need to clean your room.”

I was surprised at that.  Ashe usually kept the house so tidy.  Looking around, everything I could see on the first floor was fastidiously clean.  The fireplace wasn’t lit, but it was stocked.  All I’d have to do was put a spark to the wood, and the fire would be blazing. 

Then, I looked at Ashe’s outfit.  She wasn’t wearing her maid’s clothes, which made sense.  The house had a servants’ quarters, so she could change after she was done working.  She’d obviously been leaving.  Even though she didn’t usually stay overnight, she did have a closet in the quarters.  For some reason, she didn’t like walking around outside in her cleaning clothes.  Currently, she was wearing a reasonably nice, well-fitted dress.  Despite the rain, she was also wearing a fair amount of makeup.

“For the love of. . .” I hissed, finally realizing what Ashe and Zorlando were planning to do after their date.  Why it had to involve my bedroom was a topic for another time.  “Fine!  I’ll get changed AFTER I go to the Creek House.”

Ashe visibly relaxed.  “Thank you.”

“Julia is about your size.  Do you have anything she could wear?” I asked after a very long, very uncomfortable moment.  I wasn’t quite glaring at Ashe, but I was close.  Seriously, she better replace the sheets. 

“I guess she's an adventurer?” asked Ashe, looking back at me.

“Yes, she is,” replied Julia.  She hated being ignored.  She turned to give me what I was sure was a sound telling off, but she caught sight of herself in my hall mirror.  Outside, in the woods, her robe would have looked fine for getting rained on and attacked.  In town, surrounded by other people, her stained, worn garment was not the image she wanted to present.  She could launder it, but that would leave her naked while the robe was getting cleaned. 

I glanced down at her.  Julia inhaled audibly.  

“I will have better clothes made tomorrow.  Now that I’m off the ship, anything is better than this.”  Julia adjusted her stained robe and looked at Ashe.  “If you would please lend me a dress, I would be most appreciative.”

Ashe bobbed her head before dashing back into the kitchen.

“She’s not usually like this,” I mentioned.  Badgelor stepped out of the kitchen.  He was holding a jar of white cream. 

“I thought you were going to your room,” he said flatly, walking over to the fireplace.  He picked up the flint and struck it with his claw.  Sparks shot into the waiting logs.  Within moments, a fire was crackling away.

“Is that more of Jarra’s cream?” I asked.  She had been making me what seemed like a year’s worth of erectile dysfunction curing cream prior to our journey to the dungeon.  Now, she was dead.  There would be no more erectile dysfunction curing cream.

“This stuff is amazing,” replied Badgelor, dipping in his paw and licking the white mixture off his claws.  “I raided my emergency stash.  I only have a few jars of the stuff left.”

Remembering Jarra’s death had taken the wind from my sails.  When Ashe stepped back into the room holding a dress, I walked over to the fireplace.  Julia took the offered garment and went into the sitting room. 

She didn’t even bother telling me not to peek.  Instead, she generated several golden barriers in the doorframe.  The homeowner in me wondered if she’d damaged it, but I wasn’t about to inspect it while she was changing.  I’d do that later and quietly grump about it to myself.

In Earth terms, Windfall Manor screamed old money.  The furniture was all hand-crafted, expensive wood.  The stonework was immaculate.  Even the carpets and drapes were of the finest quality.  My wife would have gone insane here, not only for the subtle opulence, but also from fear of messing up the floors. 

Ashe was looking at me fretfully, so I cocked an eyebrow at her.  That seemed to startle her.  She curtseyed and dashed up the stairs to my bedroom. 

“Can you smell what she was planning up there?” I asked Badgelor.

He sniffed several times before shaking his head.  His entire nose was covered in my erectile dysfunction dip.  “All I smell is herbs and chives.”

The concoction actually looked like ranch dressing.

“Ahem,” came a voice behind me.  I dutifully turned and spotted Julia.  The princess was looking quite pleased with herself.  Julia was a tall brunette, standing at nearly six feet in height.  For the first time since I’d met her, she was wearing a dress that actually fit her well.  I’d seen her in a few frumpy dresses and one very unflattering one, but this blue dress was actually cut well for her. 

The current style for the Dalton daughters was a classic peasant dress, which meant that was the current style in all of Windfall.  If they could afford it, most women wore a garment similar to a vest over the dress, which added another layer to the upper skirt.  The vest accentuated the upper half quite nicely, and the extra layer on bottom drew attention to your badunkadunk.  Julia had a great badunkadunk.  She even spun around, showing it off for me.

“Thank Grebthar,” she intoned.  “I thought I was going to look like the ugly relation forever.”

“You look quite nice,” I said conversationally.

She rolled her eyes.  “Hardly, I would need to see a tailor about letting out the bust, and I’m not wearing any makeup.”

“Most women in Windfall don’t wear makeup,” I replied.  That was different from Earth.  Most women did not wear makeup at all, not even to make themselves look more “natural”.  You got used to it pretty quickly.  Women’s facial choices were just not a big concern of mine.   

Julia raised an eyebrow at me. 

Then again, Ashe had looked nicer than normal.  Windfall really hadn’t had the supplies to go all in on a makeup industry.  Perhaps, it was just an access thing.  If the town’s women could get it, maybe they would like makeup.  Despite all the differences between Earth and Ordinal, maybe there were still some things that were the same.

“You could seriously use some makeup,” stated Julia, examining my face critically. 

“Wait, what?” I laughed.  “Guys don’t wear makeup.”

Julia giggled.  “Maybe not in the sticks.  Is everyone so repressed there?  Everyone in Falcon who can afford to wear makeup wears makeup.”

Of course, Earth males could wear makeup if they wanted to.  Those that were particularly involved in their looks, such as models and movie stars, definitely did.  They just didn’t frequently talk about it.  It wasn’t even hard to tell when they were wearing it, either.  If you looked at your average Hollywood man walking around versus when they were at an event with cameras, it was noticeable.  It was easy to see when their healthy glow had been painted on.

Of course, men on Earth wore makeup during the 1800’s, too.  I was fully aware of the artistry that sprang forth from when only men could act in the theater.   

“I’ll see what I can do,” I said, closing out that page.  Those were the distracted thoughts of a man who didn’t like what he had to do next.  At least the outside mirrored my mood.  I opened the door, and Julia erected another barrier.  Stepping out, she took my arm. 

“Thought you didn’t do that?” I asked.

“I look like a lady now.  It would be improper for me to go unaccompanied,” she replied.

“I doubt that,” I said.

“It's raining really hard, and I don’t know my way around this place.  If we get separated, I’ll probably get lost,” she stated flatly.

There was always that.

Chapter 35 - The Creek House

Cutting through the town didn’t take us long.   With the amount of rain falling, we didn’t run into anyone.  No one else was out in the dark dreariness.  Of course, it could have been that people were avoiding the obvious adventurers.  With Julia’s magical umbrella, we were visible at range.

The mayor in me noticed that all the rain was starting to flood some of the drainage areas.  I wondered how, considering all of those flowed out and into the creek.  Then, I saw the creek and realized why.  The bridge over it was usually three logs or so above the waterline.  Right now, it was maybe one log, and even that was being generous.  The sides of the creek were built up quite a bit, so it wasn’t yet an issue.  However, if the rain picked up much more, we’d have a problem.

Then again, unless the sky started pouring actual buckets of water, I didn’t see how we could get much more rain. 

In any case, we got to the Creek House all too soon.  I stared at the door for a long moment.  Running into a room full of monsters was easy compared to this. 

“We stopped moving forever ago,” stated Shart through our mental link.

“I’m working on it,” I replied.

“Work faster.  Bad news doesn’t get better by waiting,” replied the demon. 

He was right.  I knocked.

As a massive warg slammed his paws into the doorframe, Julia shrieked.  All we could see from the small patch of glass in the door was one giant eyeball.  The deep, throaty growl didn’t help matters.

“It's me, Kappa,” I stated.

The doorknob turned and opened, revealing the massive warg.  JoeClarance stood behind him, wiping his eyes.  He looked miserable.  Kappa barked sharply, before turning back to me.

“I could not smell you because of the rain,” stated Kappa, glaring about.  “Is that fool badger with you?”

“He stayed home,” I replied.

Kappa sat back on his haunches.  “The missus is very upset with you.  So are JoeClarance and the little girl.  So am I, for that matter.”

“I’m sorry,” I replied.

AvaSophia stormed out of her bedroom.  If JoeClarance looked miserable, she looked fecking terrible.  She had aged at least a decade.   Her hair had the greasy look of someone who hadn’t washed it in too long.  She looked worse now than when I’d saved her from the goblins.  Part of me wanted to reach out and hug her.

She stormed over to me and slapped me.

I had been expecting that.  AvaSophia was not one of my fans to begin with.  Something about constantly exposing her family, mainly Fenris, to danger.  Now, because of me, Fenris was crippled.  Yet, here I was, standing tall. 

“You did this,” she accused.

“Let me explain,” I tried.

“I don’t want to hear your explanations!  My Fenris is dying,” she said, her voice trembling.  “You were supposed to be on some epic quest to bring me someone to help him.  If not for the new Healer Zorlando trained at the barracks, Fenris would already be dead.”

We’d built a building at the barracks that specialized in training Combat Medics.  Of course, Combat Medics practiced Healing, as well as Alchemy.  In effect, each graduate of that training program was close to the same skill level as Jarra the Healer had been when she’d first arrived in Windfall. 

Being a commoner sucked.  Jarra had spent years training to be a Healer.  Now, because Windfall had a magical building, we could kick out people trained to be Healers easily.  No wonder she had been so eager to get into the dungeon.  I’d built a structure that was going to render her obsolete. 

It was totally my fault.

“That’s not fair, Dum Dum,” sent Shart.  “Blondie was going to go regardless.

Shaking that thought off, I interrupted AvaSophia’s rant.  “I brought a Magical Healer,” I said, gesturing toward Julia.  “She might be able to help.  If not, I’ll get someone specialized in this specific injury.”

Julia looked over to me.  She was not a focused Healer.  She specialized in barriers.  Then again, Julia was both a high-level Zealot and a princess.  It was worth a try. 

The look of hope blossoming in AvaSophia’s eyes was frightening.  It was a desperate thing.  It was a beast that AvaSophia had kept lashed, and I’d just let it loose, like an idiot. 

The princess glared at me.  Then, she inhaled deeply and nodded to AvaSophia.  “I am Julia of Falcon.  I will attempt to heal your husband.”

AvaSophia grabbed her hand and dragged her further into the house.  I made to follow, but Kappa stepped in front of me.  “The missus said you are not to be allowed inside the house.”

I had given her the freakin house.  Then again, it was hers now.  Because it was her house, I couldn’t argue.  Fenris would probably have words with AvaSophia after he got better.  He was going to get better, no matter what, but that was for later.  Right now, I was in the proverbial doghouse.

Several minutes passed.  I watched the oversaturated creek ebb and flow.  Finally, the door shot open.  AvaSophia ran out of the house, her floral dress instantly becoming sodden from the rain. 

Julia was on her heels.  She stopped when she saw me.  “Thanks for that.”

“How bad?” I asked.

“Very bad!  The injury is worse than you told me it was, and you told me it was terrible.  The only thing keeping him alive is a curse that has been attached to his Mana network,” stated Julia clinically.

“Ohhhhhhhhhh, that’s bad,” said Shart.  “It must be the good old Soul Binder curse combo.”

“How does that work?” I groaned.

“Remember how Fenris’ spine is basically gone?” asked Shart.

“Yes, Charles destroyed Fenris’ spine when he attacked him.  The spine is where your magical network attaches to your body.  If it's too badly damaged, you can’t use magic,” I replied.

“Well, if your spine is destroyed, you die.  Your Mana network just disconnects. Charles stitched together Fenris’ Mana network and his physical body with a curse.  As long as the curse is in place, he’ll linger.  I don’t know of any way that you could heal that injury,” said Shart.

“If we remove the curse, he dies,” I said out loud.

“Yes,” replied Julia.  “I don’t think there is a Healer in the world that could repair this.”

“Nowhere in Falcon?” I asked.

“Nowhere on Ordinal.  Falcon’s Healers are second to none.  There just isn’t anyone who specializes in this sort of injury.  It violates the mechanics of how magic is supposed to work.  You’d need to be a god of magic to pull it off,” stated Julia, looking concerned.

“Is it something the Dark Overlord could fix?” I asked.

Julia looked at me for a long moment, frowning.  “No, it's something that Grebthar could fix, maybe, at the height of his power.  The Dark Overlord is incredibly powerful, but he’s not Grebthar.” 

“I’ll figure something out,” I said finally.

“You’ll figure something out,” stated Julia.  “Are you going to ‘Jim’ this up, too?  What would that something be?  I could petition the gods at the Grand Cathedral, but this wound is great.  Even the gods have limits.”

“Something else, then,” I replied.

“We could ask the Elder Demon.  Maybe he might know some dark method to restore your friend’s spine,” she continued.

“I already asked him.  He can’t,” I replied.

Julia blinked.  “Well, if the gods and the demons can’t manage it, there isn’t a way to do it.”

“There has to be something,” I spat back.

“Well, unless you have a Progenitor handy, your friend is doomed,” said Julia.

“A Progenitor?” I asked.

“Yes, they worked technology instead of magic.  This is magically impossible, so one of them might be able to use technology to fix it,” said Julia.  “Guess what?  They all died out thousands of years ago.”

“One second,” I said, bringing up Remote Administration.  I could link up with anything I was administrating, and I was technically still administrating the caravan. 

“RonJared!” I yelled, which caused a very loud thumping sound over the Remote Administration link. 

“Whoever just woke me up is going to get it,” yelled the voice on the other end.

“It's Jim,” I replied.

“Who?  Wait, the Mayor,” came the shocked voice.  “I can hear you, Mighty Mayor, but I cannot see you!”

That was weird.  A hologram of me should have been up somewhere in his man cave.  RonJared’s office, bedroom, and dining area were all in the driver’s cabin of his wagon.  He seldom left it while the caravan was on the road. 

“I need Beakatrix to head to Windfall.  It’s urgent,” I said.

“It was foretold,” he hissed, “in Season 2, Episode 4.  The Progenitor said she would be leaving to meet you, right before the storm hit.  She must have known your wishes.  She yelled something about getting away from the eggs and flew off toward Windfall.”

That didn’t make any sense.  Beakatrix would do anything to protect those eggs.  Obviously, RonJared had misheard her.  The one thing I knew for certain was that she would move heaven and hell to keep her eggs safe.

“What Progenitor?  Who is Beakatrix?” asked Julia, looking between me and RonJared.  It was only then that I remembered she was still a member of the caravan, too.  She also possessed the Administration skill.  That meant she was in the same communication loop as I was.  It wasn’t so much that she had been listening in, though.  I’d been yelling out my plans to her face. 

“Beakatrix is a Progenitor,” I said.  Julia’s eyes widened involuntarily at that bit of news. She glanced at RonJared.  He couldn’t see her, either, but he was smiling proudly for all that he had accomplished.

“RonJared,” began Julia, as I pondered the situation, “No Progenitors have been seen for thousands of years.  Might you be in error?”

“Ha, I can read the logs as well as the next man,” said RonJared.  “The Mayor flew in with Lord Badgelor and rode out of Union to search for you.  It looks like he found you.”

“Did you say he did this in Union?” asked Julia.

“Yes, right on the Silverado.  Everyone saw him riding off on Badgelor to save you,” said RonJared.  He glanced around his wagon, checking for eavesdroppers.  “The town debated that hotly, on account of everyone thinking you killed your father.   Apparently, Lorraine Channing Wells came through after we left.  She explained that the true guilty party was a shape-changing Assassin.”

“Everyone thought I killed my father,” muttered Julia, horrified.

“They don’t think that anymore.  It never made much sense.  You obviously loved your father, yet he was killed quite publicly by you?  Even if you were guilty, you would have to be totally insane to do it in front of everyone.  Therefore, it had to be someone who looked exactly like you,” said RonJared. 

Julia slumped.  “The whole kingdom thought I killed my father?”

I looked at her for a moment.  “Yes, but I determined the real Assassin was a woman named Maggie.  I expect her to arrive in Windfall soon.” 

“You knew?” cried Julia, “And you didn’t tell me?  I was left in that cell for days, wondering why no one had even tried to rescue me.  Of course, they didn't.  They thought I’d killed my father.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You don’t believe anything I say,” I replied flatly.  “I’m the Mayor, the Dark Overlord has returned, and Maggie killed your father.”

Julia said nothing.  There was nothing more to say. 

“Beakatrix must need something from Windfall to protect her eggs,” I replied to RonJared.  That was the only thing that made any sense.

“Most excellent,” replied RonJared, uncomfortably.  He liked Julia but hardly thought of her as a princess.  I thought that was due to their earlier relationship, where she had been Angela, the caravan’s hard-working Healer.   

“Why are you talking to me like that?” I asked, jarring him. 

“You are the Mayor.  I read the old stories, and I do not wish to insult you,” stated RonJared.

“It's fine.  Just talk to me normally,” I sighed, “And make sure those eggs get here safely.  Beakatrix would be devastated if something happened to any of them.”

“Yes, Mr. Mayor!  We are en route, but I don’t know how to get around the Guardians,” he replied.

“Shart, how do I get around the Guardians?” I thought.

“Give me a second.  Julia is asking questions again,” replied the demon.  After a long moment, he responded, “The Guardians?  Only people authorized by the Mayor can get by. “

“So, I’ll just authorize them,” I said, thankful that, for once, there was an easy solution.

“Sorry, it's not a problem with an easy solution,” said Shart.  “You have to have a representative there in person.”

“RonJared’s not a citizen of Windfall, and he isn’t really interested in becoming one either,” I guessed.  “In olden times, the Eastern Gate Fortress would have been manned.”

“Presently, it's overrun with trolls,” said Shart.

“Who counts as a representative if they aren’t a citizen of Windfall?” I wondered, before realizing the solution was easy enough.  I focused on my map and found both the caravan and the Falconian branch of the Army of Windfall.  The army was on the march, catching up to the caravan.  They would both be at the Eastern Gate in about a day. 

“RonJared,” I continued, “The newest recruits of the Army of Windfall are approaching from the east.  The Captain Generals will allow you passage.”

The old Caravaneer paled at that.  Nodding sharply, he bellowed, “Falcon stands with its Mayor.”  I cut the connection, as Julia stared at me. 

“The Army of Windfall is coming here,” she said.

“Yes, but it looks like the Progenitor will get here before then,” I replied. 

“Wait, what?” stated Julia.  I signaled for Kappa, and the large warg followed us.  Julia frowned.  “You just ‘Jimmed’ up a Progenitor?”

“I am the Mayor,” I replied. 

Julia inhaled sharply and snorted.  “You are playing a very dangerous game.”

“Maybe I’m not playing games.  Maybe I’m a Remort who’s one goal in life is destroying the Dark Overlord,” I growled at her. 

Julia spat, “Well, then where is your crown?”

I shook my head.  “Kappa, we need to find AvaSophia.”

Kappa sniffed several times.  “I cannot smell her in this much rain.  Let's go over to the bridge.  Fenris and the missus usually go over there.  She finds it calming,” stated Kappa.

We all walked over to the bridge.  It was two carts wide and about twenty logs long over the normally shallow creek.  I examined the structure as we approached.  One of the pilasters and all the railing on the downcreek side had washed away.

“I didn’t think the water was that high,” I said, as we moved closer.  Kappa sniffed loudly, but the rain was keeping his nose from working.  I missed menutime in situations like this.  It took a good twenty seconds to find someone on the town map.  I could find AvaSophia faster than that, if I just looked harder. 

We walked onto the bridge, and I looked around.  The water wasn’t that high.  It was still just about a log underneath us, which was far too shallow to totally wash out the bridge.  Bringing up my Engineering skill, I checked the structure properly.  While it had taken some Durability Damage, the entire thing was still showing as sound. 

“Kappa, do you have her scent yet?” I yelled out.  The torrent of rain pounded even harder against the pavement.

“Maybe.  She at least came to the bridge,” he sniffed, walking closer to the missing railing.  I grabbed his collar, causing the massive warg to snap his head around.  He didn’t quite look like he was going to bite me, but he was not a dog.  He would not allow himself to be handled as if he was.

“You were getting very close to the edge,” I yelled.

He looked, realized the railing was gone, and paused. “But I smell her here.”

“Feck,” I hissed, going to the very edge of the bridge.  I frantically searched the normally placid creek.  It was currently doing its level best to jump the banks of the channel it normally flowed through.  “If she fell in, she’s going to be half-way down the damn creek by now!”

“Ding, dong, the bitch is dead,” Shart stated.

I huffed and exhaled loudly.  Julia expanded her golden barrier until it covered the entire side of the bridge.  It gave me some illumination as well as parting the torrents of water.  The railing had fallen directly behind the pier in the center of the bridge.  Most of it was still there. 

“I’m going to dive in and swim downstream.  I might see her,” I said, looking down at the cold, fast-moving water.  At the last moment, I stopped.  My Perception skill highlighted a small chunk of floral material, poking out from under the half-submerged railing.

“No.”

I leapt down, landing on the three-inch-wide railing.  I quickly began trying to figure out a way to move the massive amount of rubbish.  A golden barrier sprang up beside me, diverting some of the water away.  I was able to reach lower and grab a cold, blue hand. 

“No,” I yelled, pushing away some of the nearby rock.  I grabbed her hand again and cast a quick Regeneration.  I felt a pulse of feedback as the spell flowed through her.  From what I knew, that was generally a bad sign.

I cast Regeneration again, while I tried desperately to move enough splintered wood to pull her out.  Water blasted all around me. 

“Dum Dum,” stated Shart. 

“Jim, hurry,” screamed Julia, causing me to look up.  Water was now flowing over the bridge and the banks very close to where she had blocked the flow.  Enough water was hitting Julia that she was having trouble staying in place. 

Thrusting my foot into the mass of wet timbers, I grabbed a piece of wood so hard my hand left an impression.  Then, I activated Power Lift.

●   Power Lift: You have expended 612 Stamina to lift an extra 2,436 pounds of material.

As I pulled on it, the railing groaned.  Finally, everything broke free, exposing a non-responsive AvaSophia.  I grabbed her and leapt back to the bridge, just in time.  Julia’s last barrier collapsed, allowing a massive torrent of water to wash away the remains of the railing. 

“Regeneration isn’t working,” I yelled, as I cast Heal Injury and Heal Damage.  Each time, I got a nasty blast of feedback.  I kept throwing more Mana into each casting.  “Why aren’t you helping?”

“She’s dead, Jim,” stated Julia sadly.

I stared at AvaSophia’s body for nearly a whole second.  Then, I cast Regenerate and held it, despite the feedback.  I could maintain Regenerate as a Concentration effect.  If I could just overpower the stupid feedback, she would be fine.

“Uh, Dum Dum, you are starting to smoke,” said Shart.  “The feedback you are experiencing is from casting Life Magic on a dead person.” 

“She was alive two minutes ago.  I refuse to believe this,” I hissed, breaking the spell and trying to cast it upon myself.  My entire Mana network was on the fritz, due to all the feedback effects.  All I had managed to do was give myself a headache.

I grabbed her chest and started doing compressions.  As I moved to blow air into her lungs, a golden barrier sprang up between us.

“What the hell are you doing?” screamed Julia, going completely wide-eyed.

I used Counterspell and broke the disk.  Then, I blew twice into AvaSophia’s lungs and continued the compressions.  “You are not going to die tonight!” I yelled.

“Why are you assaulting a corpse?” asked Julia, as I heard footsteps approaching us.  

“What happened?” I heard Ashe’s voice ask.  Then, she must have seen me performing chest compressions.  I heard her gasp right before the loud cracking of AvaSophia’s ribs filled the air.  No worries.  Regenerate will fix that, too.  Ashe was looking at Zorlando with a horrified expression plastered on her face.  A tiny part of me realized that, if you didn’t know what CPR was, what I was doing looked pretty terrible.  Then again, I didn’t care. 

“She’s dead,” said Zorlando, examining the body in shock.

“I refuse to accept that,” I spat coldly.

“You refuse what?” yelled Julia.  “You refuse to let the woman’s body rest in peace?”

I cast Regenerate again.  For an instant, I thought I felt something take hold.  Then, I got blasted with more feedback.  Assuming that was a good sign, I doubled down.  Then, I felt Zorlando’s powerful arms gripping me.

As he tried to move me, I activated Mitigate.  My skill was Expert, so, along with Damage reduction, it prevented me from being moved.  With my considerable strength, skill, and tier two body, Zorlando couldn’t move me, despite his best efforts.

“Stop, Zorlando,” screamed Ashe, looking at the paving stone he’d cracked in half trying to lift me. 

“Jim, this is improper.  I need you to stop,” stated the Man at Arms.  “I’m afraid I must insist upon it.”  I heard the hiss of his blade as it left his scabbard.

●        <Error detected>  <userID>’AvaSophia’, death = true, heartbeat = true, breathing = true.

●        Death flag requires heartbeat = false and breathing = false

●        Death flag generated in error, <admin> override, error corrected

I blew into her mouth again.  Then, I felt everything come up.  A mouthful of cold water hit me in the face, followed by AvaSophia gasping.  I cast Regenerate.  Thankfully, it took.  Her body was still badly damaged, but, now that she was breathing, the spell seemed to function. 

“I’m tapped out.  Cast Heal Injury on her,” I spat at Julia.  She stared at AvaSophia numbly but spoke the words.  AvaSophia’s broken ribs fully knitted themselves back together, her broken wrist was healed, and her internal bleeding was stopped.

“She’s alive,” said Ashe, her expression one of absolute shock.

I laughed.  “Damn straight.”

“How?” asked Julia.

“Because I’m the Mayor of Windfall.  Not even death fucks with me,” I declared.  I slumped down, mentally exhausted. 

Julia knelt down and examined AvaSophia.  Fenris’ wife was still unconscious, despite all the healing.  She had been trapped underwater for who knew how long, while being crushed to death.  Unlike Fenris, she was going to make a full recovery. 

“What are you two doing here?” I asked, looking over at Zorlando and Ashe.

Zorlando looked abashed, but Ashe answered, “I knew you were coming here.  I figured that AvaSophia wasn’t going to take your answer well.”

I recalled from my Remote Administration skill that Ashe had been helping AvaSophia with Fenris.

“Jim,” said Julia, putting her hand on my shoulder, “She’s fine.  She’s still unconscious, but she’s fine.  I’m going to take her back to her house.”

“How did this happen?” asked Zorlando.

“The railing collapsed.  She got trapped by a piece,” I answered hollowly. 

Ashe asked, “Do you think she was trying to commit suicide?”

“What?” I growled.

“She was really emotionally unstable because of what happened to Fenris.  She blamed you for it,” stated Ashe.  “I assume that when you told her it was impossible to fix him, she lost it.”

“I saw her stand up to a goblin patrol just to buy her kids a few extra seconds to live,” I growled out.  “She’s not going to leave them, even if it looks hopeless for Fenris.”

“It must have been an accident,” stated Zorlando, stepping between the two of us, his hand still on his hilt.  “The bridge was damaged by the water, and she was just unlucky.”

Zorlando had been a Mercenary Captain before he became an adventurer.  He was an old hand at losing people important to him.  Having one suddenly and violently brought back had shaken him badly.  Ordinal, at its core, was more dangerous than the Earth I had known.  Sometimes people just died, and there wasn’t anything you could do about it.

I brought up the town menu.  The bridge did have a maintenance order out on it, but Mar had slacked on the repairs. 

“It wasn’t an accident or suicide,” I said after a long moment.

“What?” asked Ashe.

“There is another Assassin after me.  She must have gotten here first,” I said.  Ashe’s eyes went wide.  Zorlando grabbed her around the shoulder to pull her close.

“From where?” he asked.

“Falcon,” I replied.

“Jim, that’s not possible,” stated Julia.  She had finished loading AvaSophia onto Kappa.  The warg was walking gingerly toward the house.  “How would the Assassin have gotten past the Guardians?  You can’t sneak past them.  You can’t even climb the mountains.  They will catch you.  They always catch you.  Unless she could fly, there is no way for her to get past them.”

“She could have used the Fast Lanes,” I said.  Everyone looked at me like I was insane.

“The Fast Lanes are inhabited by the Walker of Siers.  No one gets through them but elves,” blurted Julia.  She immediately swore and looked over at Zorlando and Ashe. 

The Fast Lanes were corrupted.  No one except the elves used them, but that wasn’t common knowledge.  Julia was so flustered that she’d blurted out a piece of rather sensitive information.  Information that I didn’t care about.   

“If the elves can do it, so can she,” I growled, standing up.  I glared uselessly down at the river.  Any evidence would have washed away.  Returning my eyes to Julia, I said, “Maggie did this.  I’m sure of it.  When I find her, I will break her.”

●        Intimidation check, successful.

Julia recoiled slightly from my utterly implacable will.  Zorlando and Ashe both stepped back.  Ashe looked horrified. 

I was becoming a monster again. 

Chapter 36 - Investigating the Scene

I left Ashe in charge of Fenris’ entire clan.  She’d made a token protest, but, after searching my eyes for a brief moment, she had conceded.  Zorlando went with her.  I was hopeful that the children were asleep, but I doubted it.  The image of Kappa carrying their mother’s body into the house would probably haunt them forever.

“Shart, I want evidence,” I growled, looking at the damaged structure of the bridge.  I found nothing.  Not even my Perception, Heightened Senses spell, or my prayers to my fake god seemed to work.  Finally, I brought up the town menu and searched for anything there.  I only realized Julia was gone after more than an hour had passed. 

She wasn’t a resident, so I couldn’t track her.  That might seem counterintuitive, but, for the most part, you had to give permission for things to happen on Ordinal.  She had not given permission for me to see her on my maps.

By early evening, the storms had abated.  We were in the eye of the storm.  For a brief time, the rain slacked off to something less than biblical proportion. 

I still found nothing.

“I’m sorry, Dum Dum.  I can’t really do any exhaustive detective work from this Walker Orb,” stated Shart.  “You are on your own.  You got this.  I believe in you!”

I growled at that.  It had been hours, and I hadn’t found anything.  All I had was a very strong suspicion that the bridge had not collapsed simply due to water surge and a lack of proper maintenance.  I wasn’t going to learn anything more.

I was soaked, so I cast Endure Elements.  The water immediately began to flow away from my clothing.  I wondered how long it had been since I had last cast the spell. 

With nothing else to do, I went home.  I still didn’t fully accept that Windfall Manor was my home.  I was far more used to living in my nice, little house in rural Ohio.  However, all my stuff was at the manor.  It had to be my humble abode.  Now that the rain had turned to a drizzle, I could see people milling about outside. 

I avoided them, reaching my front door.  I felt a few glances sent my direction, but no one said anything.  Everyone in Windfall trusted each other because of the barrier.  Even a strange man walking around in black half plate wasn’t instantly a threat. 

I stepped inside.  Badgelor was asleep on the mantel, his stubby feet suspended over the fire.  His Damage Resistance meant that anything short of a bonfire was just warm to him. 

I wondered if I would be able to get any sleep.  Sighing, I walked upstairs to my room.  Entering, I noticed that Ashe hadn’t made the bed, which was uncharacteristically sloppy of her.  I grabbed the blankets and pulled them up, only to find a very naked Julia.  The sleeping princess was covered with nothing more than a thin cotton sheet.  Her bloodshot eyes shot open, and she slapped me.

“What is it with you trying to see me naked all the time?” she growled.

I cradled my cheek.  I hadn’t even seen her move.  “I was going to sleep in my bed.”

“I told you that I was going to sleep here, because no one knows the status of your other beds,” she said hotly.  “I’d probably get a pregnancy notification if I laid in any of them.”

“Well, why are you sleeping naked in a strange man’s bed?” I yelled.

“First off, I asked you if I could sleep here.  You grunted something that sounded an awful lot like ‘sure’,” growled Julia. 

“I wasn’t paying attention,” I replied lamely. 

“I also didn’t expect you to barge in and throw away the blankets.  I always sleep naked, if I can manage it,” shouted Julia, adjusting the sheet so that it didn’t reveal anything.  “I like the feel of cotton on my bare skin.”

My sheets were pretty soft.

I took off my armor and switched to the leather set I used for hanging around town.  It was more like a thick coat than the all-covering bodysuit of my actual, fighting armor.  SueLeeta had explained it to me some time back.  You had a regular suit of armor for common jobs, and a nice suit for the really challenging tasks.  It made sense then, and it made sense now. 

Ashe was still at the Creek House.  She would probably be there the rest of the day.  I was going to have to fix my own dinner, and that wasn’t happening, yet.  I wasn’t hungry enough to outweigh how tired I was.  Sighing, I began to check the other bedrooms.  The very first door I opened revealed an intricate rope and pulley system attached to the ceiling.  The next bedroom I tried contained a fine selection of leather goods and 3 stuffed badgers.  I briefly considered trying other bedrooms but decided against it.  I wasn’t in the mood to continue playing What’s My Kink with my game hosts, Zorlando and Ashe.  Sighing, I walked upstairs to my workshop. 

Sitting in my favorite chair, I kicked my bare feet onto my crafting bench and passed out. 

I awoke hours later to a grumbling stomach.  I wasn’t aware of any skill that offset the need for a good meal, so I was going to have to get up.  Rolling out of my chair, I adjusted my leather armor before heading downstairs.  I hadn’t cooked any real food since I’d arrived on Ordinal.  I was tempted to go to the Golden Badger instead, but I didn’t want to deal with anyone yet.

Walking into the kitchen, I opened the pantry.  It was mostly bare.  Food storage on Ordinal wasn’t as fancy as it was on Earth.  Anything fresh needed to be purchased the day of use or only a day before.  I still had dry goods, but, with no one knowing how long I’d be gone, Ashe hadn’t stocked much. 

Zorlando was still living here, but he apparently ate out most of the time.  That was the custom for anyone who could afford it.  The Cooking skill was far from universal, and most households were two-income families.  Early on, the Golden Badger was the only game in town.  Now, there were nearly a dozen restaurants.

Ashe either ate with him or ate at her actual house.  No need to stock up the manor for when the Mayor drops by unannounced.  There was only one more place to check, the cold cellar. 

I cast the Light spell and began walking down into the cellar.  I had only been down there once before, checking for monsters.  The room had been very dark and cool then.  Now, it was cold enough to border on freezing.  There were several dressed deer hanging near the door, which seemed odd, considering that was more meat than I could eat in a month.  I glanced further back and saw a dozen more carcasses hung neatly in a row. 

Each deer had a tag on it.  I glanced at one.  It read “Property of the Golden Badger.”  Several more said the same thing.  Then, I found one marked for HankAlvin. 

“Ashe is running a meat packing plant in my basement,” I said to Shart. 

“I thought she and Zorlando did their meat packing upstairs,” replied the demon.

“No, I mean there are a lot of dead animals down here,” I said, glancing around.  There was a small shelf with a notebook on it.  I flipped it open and started reading the names.  Everyone on the street was using Ashe’s Cold Meat Storage for all their venison storing needs. 

I turned the corner, looking down the rows of carcasses.  In the very back, I spotted a service door that led to a nearby alley.  The door looked fairly new in comparison to the cellar walls.  I used my Engineering skill and found that there was no chance of a structural collapse.  I was going to have to speak to Ashe about her little side hustle, though.  Putting it out of mind for the moment, I headed to the staircase.   

Just as my foot hit the first step, I spotted what looked like an old-timey ice box, tucked away in a corner.  Opening it, I found some eggs and butter.  There was also a receipt, written in Ashe’s hand. 

“Well, she paid for them with my money,” I said, grabbing both and heading back upstairs.  The stove was a wood stove, of course.  It was already stocked with wood, and I was able to get it lit easily enough. 

“Why are you making eggs?” asked Shart.

“There is nothing else to make,” I answered.

“You could go to the Golden Badger,” continued the demon.

“I don’t want to see anyone,” I stated flatly.

“Because you violated the most sacred rule on all of Ordinal?” asked Shart.

“What rule is that?  I just did CPR on AvaSophia.  I doubt that broke any rules,” I replied.

“It broke the most important rule of all,’ stated Shart

“What rule is that?” I repeated.

“An <admin> noticed you!” screamed Shart.  “That was what that error log was.  It meant that an <admin> noticed something was off.  An <admin> saw that a skill that didn’t exist on Ordinal at all was suddenly somehow used to bring someone back from the dead.”

“You brought Charles back to life,” I said.

“I used a complicated magical ritual, like a normal person,” stated Shart.  “Anyone who knows the ritual could do it, assuming they have the power.”

I brought up Mystical Lore and reviewed the Ritual of Resurrection.  The actual formula was relatively simple; it was the Mana cost that was incredible.  It required 50,000 points of Life Mana.  “The glitch was worth 50,000 Life Mana?”

“More like 120,000,” stated Shart grumpily, “But it was unstable.  I was lucky to get the 50,000 out of it.”

Flipping back to Mystical Lore, I realized the problem.  “There is basically no way to actually get that much Life Mana on Ordinal?”

“It would be incredibly challenging to get that much regular Mana.  We are talking about Life Mana, which is even harder,” said Shart.  “That’s beside the point.  You didn’t use ANY Mana.”

“I used Stamina,” I said.

“You used less than 3 Stamina a second while you were groping AvaSophia.  That’s not even enough to outstrip your natural Stamina recovery,” stated Shart.  “You essentially took something that was valued at 50,000 Life Mana and did it for less than 100 Stamina.”

“What?” I replied.  I was smelling burnt eggs.  What do you smell when you are having a stroke?  Burnt toast, I think?  Could it be eggs?

“First off, I think your eggs are burning, Dum Dum.  Secondly, that’s the price of a human life.  In <system> terms, life equals 50,000 Life Mana.  We have a whole process for drawing that energy together, so that life can continue on Ordinal.  You just did it for 100 Stamina!” screamed Shart.

“I hardly created life,” I said, removing my burnt eggs from the stove.

“She was DEAD,” said Shart.  “I checked, D-E-A-D, dead.  Two feet in the grave.  Early stage zombie.  As in, not alive.  Now, she is.”

“You complain too much,” I said. 

“I complain the right amount,” hissed Shart.  “I'm going to fill out some forms and try to make this go away.  If the <admins> actually start watching us, we are both in big trouble,” stated Shart. 

Grumbling, I scraped the pan, trying to salvage the eggs.  However, they were well beyond saving.  I used water from a pitcher to wash off the pan and brought it back to the stove. 

●        You have learned the skill Cooking.  You are unskilled.  Eventually, you might succeed in cooking an egg.

Well, at least that’s something.  Once again, persistence won out over planning.  Then again, I only had four more eggs, so persistence better pan out soon.  I heard a cough at the door and looked up, spotting Julia.

“Done talking to yourself?” she asked.

“More or less.  I’m trying my best not to burn eggs,” I replied.

“You weren’t kidding when you said you didn’t know how to cook,” she responded, stepping into the room.  She was still wearing the same dress, but she’d spent some time tailoring it to fit her better.  She had somehow also cleaned it, and I wondered if that was magical in nature.  It appeared that getting soiled water out of a dress was far easier than twenty gallons of blood.  

“Nope, but I have two chances left,” I said.

“How about I cook the eggs?  Then, we can both eat,” stated Julia.  I nodded, plopping down on the stool where Sir Dalton frequently bounced impatiently, waiting on his atrocious breakfasts.  Julia swept into action, performing the basic task of making eggs adequately, as was befitting her low rank in Cooking.

It was only impressive, of course, because I’d just abysmally failed at the same task.

“What’s our plan for today?” asked Julia, as we moved into the dining room to eat.  Through the window, I could see the sun just beginning to peak over the horizon.

“Our plan?” I asked, bringing up my calendar.  “I have a meeting with the town council in a little while.  As Mayor, I’m bound by honor to attend.  If I wasn’t, I’d blow it off.  Those meetings are mostly pointless.  Then, I might go fishing.”

“You’re trying very hard to convince them that you are the actual Mayor,” she said.  “When these people realize that Grebthar is coming back, do you really think they are going to follow you?”

“They better,” I said earnestly.  Julia frowned. 

“Look, I don’t want to tell you how to run your town,” she said, almost choking on the last few words, “But you just came back from an extended journey.  You should probably be seen doing something a bit more public than fishing.”

“I suppose I could investigate the bridge some more,” I said.  Julia groaned.

“It was an accident!  I’m sure the Assassin will turn up, but why would she target AvaSophia?” asked Julia.

That was actually a good point.  The Assassin was after me, so she should be targeting me.  Sure, I might have crossed the bridge just to check on it, but it was unlikely.  It was far more probable that the Assassin would accidentally take out someone else, thus raising suspicions.  Plus, even if I had crossed the bridge first, it was doubtful that I’d have been seriously inconvenienced by having a few hundred pounds of rock fall on me and pin me underwater.  That was just not at my challenge level. 

“I guess I will go on a tour of the town,” I said. 

“Good, I’ll come with you,” stated Julia. 

I considered forbidding her, but doing so would have left Julia unsupervised in the town.  That wasn’t a significantly better option for me.  I didn’t mind the thought of Julia wandering in the woods.  In town, I was certain she’d get into mischief. 

“Fine,” I replied, “I hope you brought some good walking shoes. 

After eating our bland eggs, which made me miss EstherSasha, we both prepared to leave for the town hall.  I dropped a note to Badgelor, next to his still sleeping form.  I wondered if he had some magic that kept the fireplace stoked through the night. 

Thankfully, the town hall was less than a minute's walk from my home.  Despite my near total lack of sleep, we arrived quickly.  Storm clouds were overtaking the sky, and I was anxious to be indoors. 

I took the side door, which led right into the clerk's office.  Mar was not there, of course.  He was already in the meeting in the main hall.  Julia looked around and whistled.

“Well, the set looks exactly like they say it looks in the stories,” she said finally, walking over to my office and opening the door.  Her expression changed to pure fangirl.  “Grebthar’s desk!”

I was glad I’d wiped my boot prints off the desk after my last, impromptu office nap.  I closed the door, stating, “My desk.”

Julia rolled her eyes.  “For now.”

Walking over to the door leading to the main hall, I realized I could hear screaming. Fighting was an ongoing theme of Windfall town meetings.  Presently, they were screaming about the weather.  No one was really happy about that much water. 

If Julia hadn’t been with me, I probably would have walked out.  These meetings tended to be hour-long scream fests.  Very little work got done.  However, Julia was looking at me expectantly, like I wasn’t really the Mayor.  I opened the door and strolled in like I’d founded the place.

Because I had.

HankAlvin stopped mid-tirade.  Mar spun around to see who had come through the sacred domain of his office.  The room was packed.  At least forty people were taking up all the available seating. 

There was a long table for all the council members.  Mar sat in the middle.  Mar alone was wearing his ridiculous top hat, looking like he came straight out of a Dr. Seuss story.  He detested that hat.  He also detested the fact that he had to wear it during all official business.  I loved that hat.  I made him wear it during all official business. 

The council table faced the gallery.  From there, the Windfallians could see and hear everything that was going on.  The table’s occupants consisted of everyone voted in as representatives.  HankAlvin was at the far right.  He represented the town’s Tradesmen. 

Next to him sat HaroldBruce.  He was filling in for AvaSophia, who normally represented the town's Farmers.  She had not attended a meeting in any official capacity since she began tending to her husband.  HaroldBruce looked quite a bit better than when I’d last seen him.  He’d put on some meat and had achieved the rank of Expert Farmer. 

Then sat Mar, in the middle of the table.  He was ostensibly there to take notes, but he also ran the meetings and set the agenda.  Of course, the council could offer him suggestions, which he had no choice but to take.  When I wasn’t present, he voted for me.

To Mar’s right was Blots, the town Merchant.  He looked over to Mar, then back at me.  Blots was responsible for a good percentage of the town’s current success.  He’d known how to get everything the town needed and sell everything the town produced. 

Finally, there was OttoSherman, who had the at-large seat.  The at-large seat was voted on by the majority of Windfallians as their voice on the council.  Basically, if you weren’t voting for any of the other council seats, like the Farmers voting for the farming seat, you voted for the at-large seat. 

OttoSherman’s Hands Across Windfall campaign had won him an easy majority.  The campaign’s imagery was problematic, though.  It had mainly featured what OttoSherman could do for you, to you, and with you, using nothing but his hands.   

I voted for him.  He was very convincing.

The only open chair was the largest one.  I walked over and plopped down in it.  Julia hissed.  It was the Mayor’s chair. 

“Continue, HankAlvin,” I said to the nearly silent room.  The sun had given way to more rain.  The pounding on the roof was ever present, though not likely to be heard over the screaming that was soon to recommence.

“We were just complaining about the rain, Mister Mayor,” stated HankAlvin.  “It's causing a lot of damage.  Some of the roofs aren’t up to standards, yet, because we haven’t had any hard rain.  Is there anything you can do about that?”

“Yes, Mayor, can you do anything about that?” asked Julia, causing lots of people to study her.  They had already pegged her as an adventurer.  A few would undoubtedly begin pondering this new arrival as a political rival for me.  Several of the more matronly women would imagine a love connection. 

I consulted Mystical Lore.  All it told me was that Weather Control spells were strictly the domains of Primal Magic and extremely powerful magical artifacts.  Other spells could affect the results of weather, like the Endure Elements spell’s water repelling effect.  Then, I noticed something that literally made me slap my forehead.

“Shart, the town’s barrier can block weather,” I thought.

“Sure can,” the demon replied.

“The town’s barrier can block weather,” I repeated.

“Yep,” responded Shart.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME I COULD BLOCK ALL THIS RAIN?” I screamed internally.  “Honestly?” the demon asked.  “You trampling around in the mud amused me.”

“Shart-”

“Hey, when you internally scream like that, does it give you a headache?” the absolute bane of my existence asked. 

I ignored him.  It did, in fact, give me a headache, but I wasn’t going to further satisfy the little zit.  I had other things to consider.  The barrier could stop the rain.  I brought up the town menu and checked the barrier tab.  The barrier was back to full strength.  With my Administration skill leveling up, I’d been finding more and more details on each of my town tabs.  Also helpful was my Mystical Lore.  It dealt with how to specifically interact with magical effects.  The barrier tab now had quite a few more filters for what I could keep out of Windfall.

One was for insects, like mosquitos.  However, I didn’t know which insects were harmful or helpful.  There were farms inside the barrier, and I’d hate to stop the Ordinal equivalent of bees from getting through.  That was beside the point, for now.  I found several other options.  Thankfully, one of them was water. 

●        You are ready to activate the barrier’s water filter.  No natural water can bypass the barrier.  Water found inside of another vessel, such as a human body, will not be affected. 

Easy enough. I activated the water filter.  Within moments, the sound of rain on the rooftop stopped.  Then, I got an alert notification.  The pressure being placed on the barrier was suddenly enormous, so much so that the mighty barrier was starting to deplete.  Normally, the barrier operated at 100% Strength.  It was already down 7% from blocking rain for less than a minute.

Except I hadn’t told it to block rain.  I’d said to block water.  Our barrier extended into the ocean.  I was trying to block the ocean.  The whole ocean.  Unsurprisingly, the ocean was winning. 

I went back to deactivate the option.  You know what I found?  Letting things through the barrier was much harder than stopping them.  A glance at the menu and a quick consult with Mystical Lore told me that I had to deactivate the barrier entirely before bringing it back up. 

“The barrier has to be turned off?” I asked.

“Only if the person setting it up didn’t configure it right, Dum Dum,” stated Shart.

After a moment of searching, I found the tab for closing the barrier.  It had everything from a hard reset to an emergency shutdown. 

“Emergency shutdown?” I asked.

“You dolt, don’t pick that!” exclaimed Shart.  “That will probably break the barrier.  I don’t know what condition it's in, but an emergency shutdown is damaging even to a brand-new barrier.”

●        You have selected Orderly Shutdown.  This will disable the barrier in an orderly fashion over 90 seconds.  Would you like to proceed? <Yes/No>

“Better hurry,” commented Shart.  “You blocked all water, including the creek.  You know, the body of water next to the screaming woman’s house.  Do you think flooding her residence is going to endure you to her?” 

I selected “Yes.”  The barrier flickered for a long moment.  Then, the entire thing collapsed, causing the pounding rain to return.     

“Do it right, you idiot,” said Shart.  “Ohhhh, Glorious Robert is still on his boat.  He is gonna be pissed at you.”

I glanced at the barrier menu again.  There was a setting to cover what percentage of the barrier was used to block water.  I adjusted the setting, blocking only the part directly above the town from the deluge.  When I reactivated the filter, nothing seemed to happen for a long moment.  Finally, there was blissful silence.

“The rain stopped,” someone yelled from the front door.  Everyone waited for a tense moment.  After all, I'd stopped it once before, and it had restarted.  After thirty seconds, someone cheered.  After a few more seconds, several more people joined in.  Finally, everyone cheered. 

“That was the first point of business.  What’s next?” I asked, checking the barrier.  It was replenishing slowly.  Even with the harsh rain, the barrier was still net positive. 

HaroldBruce stood up and walked over to the podium.  “We would like to talk to you about Windfall Cathedral.  Some of the citizens are thinking about getting married.  We do not have an official location to do that.”

Old Jim would ask why they needed such a place.  New Jim had learned.  This was Ordinal.  Of course, they needed such a place.

“Mar, what is the status of the cathedral?” I asked, more to the benefit of the people in the crowd.  I could just check the town construction report.

“Due to the prioritization of other projects, the cathedral is not slated to be completed for several weeks,” stated Mar. 

Glancing over at HaroldBruce, I decided that several weeks was probably too long for whatever he was planning.  I quickly scanned the crowd, spotting a young woman and man watching me far more intently than needed.  With the rain stopped, I could see across the town square.  From where I was sitting, the cathedral looked complete, except for that one critical detail. 

“All that is needed to finish the repair is the stained glass?” I asked.

“Yes, but the priority project has multiple stained-glass windows.  Our only glass blower will not be able to produce enough glass for some time,” stated Mar.  As he spoke, the young woman I had spotted visibly deflated. 

“But it is only one window?” I questioned.

“Yes, but the cathedral requires twenty-eight panes of colored glass to make up that one window.  However, it would only require two days of production to finish.  Should we elect to change priorities?” asked Mar.

“We have been too long without a church,” I replied, causing the couple to smile broadly. “We can lose two days on whatever else the blower was blowing.”  Just to be on the safe side, I sent a quest over to RonJared to bring extra panes of glass with him.  Amazingly, he responded that it was no problem.  He had plenty of glass on his overstuffed wagon.  When he delivered, the town quest system would pay him directly. 

“Who will we dedicate the church to?” asked Mar, writing down notes in his ledger.

“Logan?” I ventured.  The hopeful eyes of the young couple collapsed. 

“He is a bit of a rustic god,” stated HaroldBruce with a cough. 

“He’s a Lumberjack,” grinned OttoSherman, giving me a thumbs up.

“Could we maybe try a mainstream religion, like the Church of Grebthar?” asked Mar.

“Fine, we’ll need to find a cleric,” I responded.

“Lady Julia,” stated HankAlvin, “You are from Falcon.  Might I assume that you are a servant of one of the gods?”

“Why, yes,” stated Julia, looking at me.  She had managed to get herself a seat in the front row of the gallery.  “I could dedicate the temple to Grebthar, the one true god, for when he eventually returns to this city and resumes his position as Mayor.”

Everyone grew quiet.  The Windfallians spent their time looking between me and Julia.  Finally, I replied, “If he comes here in peace, certainly.”

Julia nodded at that, and the room seemed to deflate.  Falcon was a highly religious area.  A core facet of many of their religions was Grebthar returning to Windfall.  Windfall, where everyone in the room was currently squatting, according to the Falconian royal family.  The notion of what Falcon would do to Windfall when they caught. . .well, the consequences of living in the town were quickly becoming the subject of many talks around the fire. 

“She seems like a peach, Jim,” said HaroldBruce uncomfortably.  Julia glared at him.  HaroldBruce shut right the fuck up.   

“Jim, you didn’t tell me the provincial townsfolk were so spirited here,” stated Julia.  She had more than a bit of regal Falcon upbringing.  That upbringing screamed to her that adventurers were better than others. 

“HaroldBruce, she is our guest,” I said calmly.  He stood up angrily.  Falcon might consider the western part of the continent the provinces, but the people living in those places didn’t. 

“Sorry, Mister Mayor, won’t happen again,” stated HaroldBruce.  Strangely, this seemed to upset Julia even more. 

“A reformed Grebtharian?” she asked, and HaroldBruce nodded. 

“Shart-” I began, but the demon cut me off.

“A reformed Grebtharian believes in the concept of Grebthar but not the actual notion that Grebthar was a real person,” said Shart.  “They are idiots.”

“So, you prefer the traditional Grebtharians?” I asked.

“Nope, they are worshipping a being that will destroy their world.  That makes them idiots, too,” answered Shart. 

“How did this happen?” I wondered, as HaroldBruce and Julia began to exchange some choice words.

“Well, a priest had some complaints about the holy texts.  He went to the high temple, where he nailed his ideas to the temple door,” said Shart.

“Like Martin Luther?” I asked.

“MartinLuther? The toilet maker?” asked Shart.  “No, that’s just weird.”

I groaned, “Continue.”

“Anyway, he had three main ideas.  He believed that you could achieve salvation by believing in the concept of Grebthar.  He also believed that the holy text was the only authority on Grebthar.  Finally, and most importantly, he believed that the priests of Grebthar must be priests of everyone,” said Shart.

“That’s just like Martin Luther,” I replied.

“What is it with you and toilets?  No, this is about religion,” said Shart. 

“It's just on Earth-” I began.

“Let me stop you right there, Dum Dum,” said Shart patiently.  “No one cares about Earth and your funny made-up toilet stories.  We are talking about real religions, involving divine beings and self-important badgers, like normal people.”

Groaning, I let Julia and HaroldBruce go at it.  Eventually, everyone caught my patient look and quieted down.  That annoyed Julia even more. 

“Mar, please continue,” I said, cutting both the squabblers off.   

The remaining portion of the meeting went quickly.  With my new experience as a Caravaneer, I was much more used to the day-to-day operations of the Administration skill.  Mar even seemed less annoying, as I realized a few of his odd behaviors were mainly due to my constantly throwing grit in the gears of the town.  Julia still seemed angry, even though I thought the meeting went pretty well. 

As we were wrapping up, I stood.  “Thank you one and all, for your assistance in making Windfall a great place.  I will be surveying the town to see what progress has been made in my absence and assisting as I can.”

“Hurray, Mayor Jim!” yelled out much of the gallery.  They all began to stand and make their way to the exit.

“Hide your chickens,” joked someone on the way out.  “He said he was going to help out.”  Everyone laughed.  After a moment, the laughter turned into a few chuckles.  The chuckling faded, as everyone began raising their eyebrows at each other.  Suddenly, everyone was pushing their way out of the room, anxious to get home and tend to their fowl.

Chapter 37 - The Most Fearsome of Beasts

“The fool,” thought Maggie, as she exited the town hall.  She had been there to pick targets.  Now, her primary target was going to be out wandering around and exposed.  O’Really, because she refused to use his new “Jim” moniker, knew she was there, getting ready for him.  He didn’t seem to be the least bit concerned.

She would make him fear her.

Maggie had to fight down the slight tremble in her back at the thought of O’Really.  Her trap had worked, but she had killed the wrong target.  It was hard laying traps inside a barrier.  You had to do it just right.  If you didn’t, the barrier would flag you.  That always ended poorly. 

AvaSophia, not O’Really, had braced up against the railing, and it had collapsed.  The trap had functioned perfectly, just as Maggie had hoped.  If only it had been the right person.  The collapsing material had winded AvaSophia and pinned her underneath the icy cold water.  That would have killed anyone, but, somehow, he’d saved her.  Maggie had been left in a state of murderous blue balls.   

AvaSophia must have died, but she was definitely still alive.  Julia acted like O’Really had brought her back from the dead, but that was impossible.  It must have been some sort of trick.  He knew she was watching, so he’d set up a performance to trick her. 

The alternative was impossible.

O’Really was perhaps the most observant person she’d ever met, and she would have to act accordingly.  Maggie needed to be subtle.  She needed to stalk him, catching him when he was totally unprepared.  She needed to be an invisible murder machine, one that appeared out of nowhere.  One that killed you before you even realized it.  There was an animal from her youth that she knew fit the bill perfectly.  

Maggie would be a fecking puma.

“Let's see him deal with that,” she said softly. 

Chapter 38 - General Mayoring

“I’m surprised you didn’t warn everyone about the Assassin,” stated Julia, after everyone was gone.

“That would have just caused a panic.  I will be looking for her while we are out,” I said.

“We?” asked Julia.

“It's not like I can leave you wandering around unsupervised,” I replied.  Julia looked indignant for a moment, but she was able to game out her responses.  Disagreeing with me would get her cut loose.  Agreeing with me would be conceding a point.  She was not the kind of woman who liked to concede anything. 

“Thank you for being so generous,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

I was going to talk to Mar, but he and Blots had already left the building.  Checking the schedule, I saw that they both had another meeting this morning, but they were free after lunch.  Before leaving the town hall, I used my Administration skill to make an appointment.

My first stop was HankAlvin’s shop to drop off my sword.  It needed some serious tender loving care to get back to full strength. 

“Hurry up,” I said jovially.  “I feel totally defenseless without my sword.”

HankAlvin just nodded and pushed it to the front of his queue. 

‘I doubt you’ll need your sword in Windfall.  You have a barrier,” stated Julia, looking up at the rain-blocking effect.

“Good point!  We are totally safe here,” I said loudly, so everyone nearby could hear me.  Several citizens looked at me strangely, but I just smiled and continued walking.  Julia fell in step beside me, and we headed to the west side of town.

“Where is ‘Badgelor’?” asked Julia, as we continued walking.

“Huh?  Badgelor?” I asked, leaving the town square.  “As far as I know, he’s still asleep on the fireplace mantel.  That badger sure does like to sleep.  He probably won’t be up again until after noon.”

Julia looked at me side-eyed.  “Well, that’s a lot more detail about your fake Badgelor than I was really aiming for.”

“You just looked curious.  That’s all,” I said.

“I thought you were the curious one,” she spat back.  The crowd began thinning out as we grew further away from the square.

We went to the Creek House next, cutting through several alleys.  The creek was dangerously close to flooding, as the newly improved barrier was just pushing the water around Windfall.  The natural channels that surrounded the town and fed into the creek were close to bursting.

“Shart, you would have mentioned the weather aspect of the barrier before the town actually flooded, right?” I asked.  The suspiciously long pause was answer enough, but the demon finally responded.

“I feel like you want the answer to be yes, but. . .chaos, remember?”

I should have known. 

“I meant to ask you about your Counterspell,” stated Julia.  “I was surprised you have that skill so developed.”

“Developed enough to break through one of your spells?” I asked.

“I was confused in that moment.  Would you like to try again?” asked Julia.  Julia was a Zealot.  Most of her magic was dependent on her emotional state.  If she was angry, her powers did more damage.  If she was scared, they offered her better protection.  In that case, she had been confused.  That had robbed her spells of most of their strength.

The glint in her eye caused me to swallow slightly.  “Shart, I’m not quite to Expert in Counterspell.  What can I do to advance my rank?”

“Try to Counterspell something,” stated Shart.

“I don’t want to try that on Julia.  She’ll hurt me,” I replied, carefully. 

“I mean Counterspell something that is impossibly powerful,” Shart responded.

“I don’t think she’s impossibly powerful, not even when she’s angry,” I said.

“Dum Dum, I mean try to Counterspell the barrier,” sighed Shart.  “It's a massive, magical field that surrounds the whole town.  Just pushing its effect back from you slightly will give you an increase to your Counterspell skill.”

“If I do that, won’t the barrier try to fry me?” I asked.  If you messed with the barrier, you got lit on fire.  I’d watched a goblin’s eyeballs pop from being burned by the barrier.  Diving into the creek had done nothing for him. 

“Is it set to do that?” asked Shart.

I checked.  It was.  As I opened my mouth to speak, I paused.  I decided to only turn that feature off against the Counterspell skill.  I went through the options, checking to see if I could just exclude myself from the barrier.  “Rules for thee but not for me” was an important part of governing.  Alas, I couldn’t set the filters that fine.

Yet.

Julia was taking in the sights.  Now that the town wasn’t being drowned out, there was a lot to be seen.  I took a moment to practice my Counterspell skill.  I had never tried to Counterspell the barrier before.  Pushing my skill against it was like trying to move a mountain with a tricycle and a bendy straw.  The barrier was nearly impossible to grip magically.  Even if you did manage to line it up for a push, whatever you touched morphed as you did so.

If you tried to push hard, the barrier grew soft.  It felt as if your magical hand got sucked into the barrier, and you couldn’t do anything.  If you tried to carefully maneuver the barrier, it maneuvered back, faster and better than you.  I was good enough at Counterspell that I could avoid the barrier’s worst tricks, but, even so, the skill gains were minimal.  At least the Mana cost of Counterspell was low, so I kept it up for a while. 

I’d earned more than a few Skill Points in Counterspell by the time we finally reached the Creek House. 

AvaSophia was sitting at her table, looking haggard.  Ashe sat patiently, looking up as I entered.  She opened her mouth to speak but glanced at AvaSophia instead.  Finally, Ashe said, “I think I’ll step out now.  The kids are still asleep, and Fenris is doing better than he was yesterday.”

I nodded.  While she was my maid, it wasn’t a full-time job.  I had ordered her to watch the family last night, and she had been on watch duty ever since.  That represented a significant chunk of time to a very busy young woman.  Still, Ashe had done it, because she was a good person.  I should strive not to abuse that.

Julia walked right past me and into the living room, leaving me standing against the doorframe.  I looked at AvaSophia.  She was slowly eating porridge.  The woman looked a decade older than she had yesterday.  Given that she’d looked terrible yesterday, that fact was both impressive and scary. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked from the doorway.

AvaSophia looked at me for a long moment.  “Come in, Jim.”

I stepped inside, causing Kappa to raise his head lazily from the floor.  He had been asleep.  Suddenly, his eyes were open, and he was wide awake.  He knew I wasn’t allowed inside.  The warg looked to me, then to AvaSophia.  She gestured toward a chair.  Kappa snorted and put his head back down. 

“When I want to get on the couch, it is always a solid ‘no’,” grumbled the warg.

We sat in silence for a long time, while she idly stirred her porridge.  Finally, she said, “You saved me, again.”

“I do that,” I replied.

“I’m sorry I’m always so mad at you,” she continued.  “You always seem to be putting my family in danger, but you are just as quick to pull us out.”

“I don’t mean to put you in danger,” I replied.

“I know.  Just like I also know that you do mean to always pull us out.  You are the Mayor, after all.” she said.  “It is to be expected that you will lead us into battle against darkness.”

Julia stepped back into the room at that.  She inhaled sharply.  “He is not the Mayor.  He’s just the mayor of Windfall.”

AvaSophia looked at Julia for a moment.  Then, she stubbornly shook her head.  “He’s the Mayor alright.  Only the Dark Overlord could cause the kind of wound my Fenris has.  It says so in the holy scriptures.  It’s in Season 7, Episode 13, the Nightmare on Crystal Lake.”

Julia was ready to counter her, but the princess paused.  She considered Fenris’ wound. “That’s in the old stories.  It's just a myth.”

“Do you believe in Grebthar or not?” asked AvaSophia, staring the other woman down. “The Dark Overlord is back, and Jim will stand against him.”

Julia exhaled and walked out of the house.  I watched her go.  Turning back to AvaSophia, I said, “I truly am sorry for all this.”

“Just promise me one thing,” AvaSophia replied, as she dabbed a tear from her eye. “Please, keep my Fenris safe.”

“I promise to try.  You’ve known your husband far longer than I have.  You know that Fenris makes his own trouble.” I grinned at her.

She snorted.  “That he does.”

I exited the Creek House and found Julia sitting on the porch.  She followed me down the stairs in silence.  With the rain muted, people were scampering all around.  The bridge was open, but the side down creek was closed for a work crew to patch the railing. 

Julia watched, as dozens of Windfallians nodded or waved at me when we passed by.  Almost everyone now had a hat of some variety.  The most common type was a corner hat, made right in Windfall.

“If you are the Mayor, why don’t you wear the crown?” asked Julia.

“Crown?” I replied.

“The Crown of Falcon!” exclaimed Julia.  “It's how we are supposed to know that you are the true Mayor.  If you are really the Mayor, you should be wearing it.”

“I imagine a crown would be kind of heavy,” I replied.  Julia slowed down and stared at me.  I finally added, “Any man who must wear a Crown to be the Mayor is no mayor at all.  Besides, Windfall is more of a hat town.” 

“Why aren’t you wearing a hat, then?” Julia ground out.  I reached into my dimensional storage and pulled out a massive, jaunty, purple godfather hat, complete with feather.  I plopped it on my head and continued walking.  Julia snorted, “Well, that’s not fair.  Now, I’m the only one without a hat.”

“Haberdasher is nearby.  I’ll buy you one,” I said, cutting into another alley.

Julia thought about my offer.  On one hand, as a Falconian, she wasn’t big into hats.  However, she wasn’t in Falcon.  She was in Windfall, and she did stand out.  Unfortunately for her, the fashion-conscious Julia quickly determined that she did not stand out in a good way.  I was offering to fix that.  She nodded and followed me into the semi-darkness of the alley. 

“I don’t see why we have to cut through every alley,” stated Julia.  I hopped between a few boxes and continued walking.  I didn’t need to jump, but I was looking for just the right box.  Finally, I found it. 

“It's marginally faster, and I like how quiet it is,” I said, heading over to my favorite tailor’s shop.

Lutal was a slight, pretty, blond girl who favored bright blue dresses with few frills.  I didn’t think it made much sense whatsoever, considering she was a tailor by trade.  Then again, she didn’t much care for dresses.  Her actual specialization was in Haberdashery, or the creation of hats.  She had a tremendous supply of those for wearing or showing off.

“Lutal, long time no see,” I said.

“Quite,” she responded, looking up from her current project.  Lutal was young, probably only in her very late teens.  She didn't exactly look like one of the wealthiest women in Windfall.  As a lark, I had given her a quest to make a hat for Mar.  With the mayor deciding that the most important people in town had to wear hats, everyone else decided that they needed to wear hats, too.  Who doesn’t want to be important?

Thus, Lutal found herself inundated with orders.  She’d eventually had to kick all her sisters out of the townhouse, freeing up space.  That wasn’t a massive issue, though.  They had a second house nearby that they all shared.  Several of her sisters didn’t exactly stay there all that often, either.

Ashe split her time between her room at the barracks, near her boyfriend, and, apparently, my bedroom, also near her boyfriend.  Margwal had her own townhouse on the east side of town, which she shared with several of the miners. 

“Nothing to see there,” chuckled Shart.

“This is my friend, Julia.  She needs a hat,” I said, without more preamble.  Lutal had a particular way of talking.  Generally, she didn’t care that much for people.  It was best to get this done and over with.  For a long moment, Lutal looked at me like some sort of Cheshire cat.  Finally, she rolled her eyes. 

“Indeed, please step this way,” stated Lutal, gesturing toward an oddly shaped hat that smelled like watermelons.  Julia looked at it askance. The hat appeared to be an oversized cover for whatever was located inside.  Lutal began turning a key, causing the device to whir slightly.  Then, she pressed a green button. 

“What is that?” Julia asked.

“A head measureometer,” stated Lutal.  “Hansa made it for me.”

Julia’s eyes bulged at that.  I ducked down to Julia’s height and looked into the hat.

“What is a meat grinder doing in a hat store?” asked Shart, typing away on his keyboard.

“Maybe it adjusts your head, so the hat fits better?” I offered out loud.

“It's just a measuring device.  If you are uncomfortable, I can use the more traditional method,” said Lutal calmly, reaching over to pull out a measuring tape. 

“I think that would be best,” said Julia, stepping away.  I put my head in the measureometer, because why wouldn’t I?  I was getting a bunch of strange Engineering alerts, and it looked interesting.

Immediately, I felt a chin strap shoot out and lock the hat into place.  The strap reeked of watermelon.  I would have made a snide comment, but my mouth, actually my entire head, was immobilized.  There was the sensation of a dozen hammers lightly tapping on my skull for several moments.  Julia looked on, a very strange expression on her face.  Then, there was a loud ping, and the strap released.

“That wasn’t so bad,” I said, removing the device.  “Julia, you should try it.”

“One moment,” said Lutal, grabbing a hunk of wood from beside her desk.  She shoved the oddly shaped wood into the hat measuring device and pressed the other button.  Instantly, the sound of a table saw filled the air.  Sawdust began pouring from the measureometer.  The entire thing vibrated loudly, sending the hunk of wood out the bottom. 

It was a perfect facsimile of my head, from the forehead all the way down to the base of my skull.  The heavy chisel marks had meshed into a decent approximation of my hair as well.  They had carved through that hard wood like butter. 

“Nope,” said Julia, “I’ll deal with the measuring tape.”   

“Why do you have this?” I mouthed to Lutal.

Lutal shrugged.  “Hansa thought it would be useful.  She tested it out on everyone at the house.  Only after that did she bring it over here.  I will admit, it does make an excellent dummy for properly measuring hat sizes.”

I swallowed.  “Assuming you don’t hit the red button?”

“That’s why it's red,” stated Lutal flatly, taking her tape and measuring Julia’s head in a very craftsman-like fashion.  “I have your measurements.  As you are an adventurer, I assume you’ll be wanting the latest in hat fashion?”

Julia nodded, glancing at me. 

“I’ll pay, of course,” I said. 

Lutal looked even more flatly at me.  “Of course, you will.  I will have it ready by the end of the day.”

“What was that all about?” asked Julia, as we were leaving the shop. 

“I was in a relationship that got cut short,” I answered.

“With her?  She seems a bit young,” Julia stated, shooting me a nasty side-eye.  Lutal was proper enough that she appeared mature for her age.  However, she was on the young side of what Falconian society considered proper. 

“No, with another adventurer who died,” I answered stoically. 

“Oh, that is unfortunate,” stated Julia.  She watched me for a long moment, but I didn’t elaborate.  Finally, she moved on.  “Where to next?”

“I’ve got to wander around town for a bit.  There are people to talk to and things to check on.  I assume you will be tagging along?” I asked.

“Princesses do not ‘tag along’.  I will accompany you,” she replied haughtily.  “After all, it's not like I can just go out hunting monsters or the like.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because there aren’t. . .” she trailed off.  There were monsters available in Windfall Valley.  “It's just, in Falcon, every place is civilized and thoroughly tamed.  You can’t just go out fighting monsters.”

“I mean, you don’t have to earn your keep.  If you want to keep surviving on charity from me, you can,” I replied.

Julia stopped dead in her tracks.  She didn’t like owing me money.  Furthermore, she really wanted to go adventuring.  “I don’t know where to go.”

“That’s easy,” I replied, activating Great General and bringing up Zorlando.

“Jim, please do hurry.  We are about to march back into the forest to fight another incursion of trolls.  Will you be accompanying us?” asked Zorlando. 

“I have a bunch of mayoring to do.  However, I do have a high-level Zealot available.  She is just chomping at the bit to do something,” I responded.  Zorlando’s interest was piqued. 

“While it would be impossible to replace your power on the battlefield, I’m certain the other adventurer will be useful,” he stated.  “I shall meet with them at the eastern gate posthaste.  From there, we shall travel out into the unknown to do battle with the most vile of foes!  There, I, Zorlando, will show the world the true power of my blade!  Yes, the enemy will...”

I cut the channel.  I doubted that it would stop him, but I knew he had, most likely, stopped paying attention to me several sentences ago.
“He says to meet him at the eastern gate,” I said.

Julia slowly considered her options.  Her foot twitched.  She took a step, then another, then another.  Pretty soon, she was briskly walking toward the eastern gate.

“Well, that was stupid,” said Shart.

“Why is that?” I questioned.

“Because, Dum Dum, while I’m in the Walker Orb, my range to communicate with you is limited.  Does that ring any bells?  The farther away she gets, the more difficult it will be to talk to you,” ground out the demon.  “I’d say 500 feet is the longest possible range we can communicate at.”

“Uh huh,” I replied, watching Julia.  She had given up all pretext and started running toward the gate.  She truly resembled a schoolgirl, rushing toward a boy band concert.  “You can’t really tell what’s going on inside that orb can you?”

“Of course, I can!  Any second now,” said Shart confidently.

Julia vanished in the distance.  I turned around and started cutting through alleyways in the opposite direction, going back the way we had just come from.

“I mean, literally now,” said Shart.  Then, after a few more seconds, “Now!”

“I can’t hear you anymore,” I replied.

“See, you ninny!  I told you that the channel would fail,” groused Shart.

“You got me there.  I have no idea what I’m doing,” I said.  I spotted the alley I was looking for and jumped onto a large box.  From there, I aimed for a nearby roof.  The box couldn’t support my weight, though, and, as I jumped, it shattered.  I floundered through the air, splatting into a nearby wall.  I slid down unceremoniously, landing hard on both feet. 

“Man, I’m glad no one saw that,” I said, collapsing to the ground. 

“You can still hear me, can’t you?” asked Shart.

“Figured that out, did you?” I replied, heaving a mighty breath.  Then, I loudly proclaimed, “Ow, my ankle!  I’m sure I just twisted it.”

“I know my range is limited by the Walker Orb,” said Shart.  “I should be out of range, assuming she still has it.”

“Yep,” I replied, rubbing my poor, injured ankle.  Again, I raised my voice.  “Man, I don’t think I’ll be able to walk.  I might be lame.”

“Dum Dum?” asked Shart.

“Still here,” I responded.

“Where is the orb?” the demon asked.

“In my pocket,” I replied, patting said pocket.  I struggled to my feet, only succeeding in falling on my butt.  “Ow, I think I landed on my dagger.  Ow, the pain!”

“You stole the orb?” asked Shart.  He sounded more shocked than I had ever heard him.

“Yup.  I did it when she was cleansing herself yesterday.  While she was slapping me, I was using Quick Steal to grab it.  I couldn't do it when she was dressed.  I’m not at a high enough level to reach through clothing,” I said, before continuing much more loudly, “Grabbed it because I’m in so much pain, ouch!”

“She had it in a ring of holding,” stated Shart.

“It was the only thing she had in there,” I replied.  I had actually made a play to grab the ring of holding.  However, when my hand had reached the ring, my perk had activated.  I’d then found myself reaching inside the ring’s storage.  The ring was attached to her, but the orb was quite easily removed from inside.  It had worked out better than I’d hoped.  

“It's not working,” said Badgelor, stepping out of the darkness.  He looked ridiculous.  The badger was in his mid-sized form, and he had my sword strapped to his back.  Apparently, badgers could not wear swords at their hips.  Their anatomy just didn’t allow for that.

“Seriously?  She didn’t even bite after I disarmed myself and sent Julia away,” I groaned. 

“Nope, and I was way behind you,” stated Badgelor.  “I don’t think she could have possibly seen me.”

“She’s crafty, I’ll give her that,” I said finally, taking my sword.  Badgelor shrank and climbed up my shoulder.  I pulled my blade from its scabbard and yanked off the small note I had included.  I offered the paper to the badger.  He rolled his eyes and ate it, muttering about paranoid companions.  The note to HankAlvin had requested he give the sword to Badgelor, upon his humble request.  

“I was hoping he would have had enough time to give it a whack or two,” I said, checking the Durability.  It was still over 50%, so I’d just have to live with it for now. 

“When she realizes the orb is gone, Julia is going to want it back.  She can summon it to her hand,” stated Shart.

“From what range?” I asked.  My Summon Weapon skill had a pretty short range, all things said and done.

“Well, crap,” said Shart.  “You stole a Kingdom tier artifact from a naked princess.  I applaud your dedication.” 

“Applaud whatever you want.  I still need to find the Orb of Annihilation,” I said, sniffing around. My Explorer’s Nose should have given me some sort of lead, but I couldn’t find hide nor hair of the orb.

“Aren’t you worried about the Assassin?” asked Shart.

“I mean, sure, but I defeated her before.  I’m stronger now.  I don’t see how she’s going to be much of a threat to me,” I replied.  “Meanwhile, we need to find the orb.”  

“Your itinerary is public,” stated Badgelor.  “We can continue checking out the town and see if we can find it.  Maggie will probably show up.”

“That’s an idea,” I said to Badgelor.  “Let's get curious!”

Chapter 39 - The Most Exciting Day Ever

“This was a mistake,” I groaned to Badgelor.

“This was a mistake,” I repeated to Shart, because Badgelor had noped right the heck out.  I thought he had taken his leave around the time that HaroldBruce began describing how irrigation ditches were being adjusted.  Doing so would grant everyone a +10% harvest of mac root, whatever the hell that was.

“He’s hiding somewhere close.  I can sense his obnoxious, furry odor,” Shart informed me.  “Lazy bastard is probably trying to take a nap.” 

The idea of inspecting the town while looking for the Orb of Annihilation was a good one.  I’d checked the Wind’s Saw and most of the industrial district.  While finishing there, I’d caught the scent of something very different.  The problem was that I didn't have any idea where the metallic odor was coming from.  A million gallons of evaporating water wasn’t helping any. 

We’d headed to the farms, giving the town more time to dry out.  It wasn’t proving to be a good use of time.  I highly doubted the orb was in farmville.  Unfortunately, HaroldBruce had taken my request for the nickel tour and turned it into something worth a Benjamin.

“BenjaminFrank?” Shart asked.  “The roof expert?  What’s he got to do with this?”

“Did you mention that asshole BenjaminFrank?” asked Badgelor, returning to me.  “Dude, you can’t give BenjaminFrank to HaroldBruce.  BenjaminFrank is evil, but you can’t just give him away,” added Badgelor.

“Benjamin is American money,” I responded.

“America accepts people as payment?” Shart asked.

“That can’t be right,” stated Badgelor.  “Besides, I can guarantee that HaroldBruce doesn’t want your American money.”

“Benjamin Franklin is a man whose portrait is on the hundred-dollar bill in America.

“Dum Dum, a bill isn’t something you pay with.  It’s something you owe,” said Shart.

“A bill is a piece of paper money that you can use to pay for things,” I explained, wondering how I had once again fallen into this trap with my two companions. 

“You made me eat paper a while ago.  Paper is worthless,” stated Badgelor.

“Yeah, Dum Dum, what about that?” asked Shart. 

I decided to turn my attention back to HaroldBruce.  I smiled and nodded while he explained the intricacies of too much rain versus not enough. 

“Maybe her plan is to kill you through boredom,” stated Shart, as he searched the <system>for the orb.  “I’m running low on liquor in here.”

The new farming district was nice.  I had laid it out before I Remorted.  Already, dozens of farms were complete.  That didn’t make sense on Earth, at least not outside Amish Country.  On Ordinal, construction rates were considerably faster.  Furthermore, because the farms didn’t require a significant amount of stonework, they were projects that could be accomplished while other work was ongoing.  Anything that required a lot of stone had taken a backseat to the castle.   

With stone being at such a premium, anything not requiring it was built quickly.  Unoccupied stone crews spent their days building up the farms.  The core of the district was already established, and the rest of the area was shaping up nicely.  There was even some expansion going on in the broad plain, just west of the town. 

“And now, New ThooClicky is operating at 100%,” stated HaroldBruce, smiling at me for approval.

“No,” I replied flatly.

“West Windfall it is,” said HaroldBruce.  I nodded.  He shrugged, “Had to try.”

“I’ll bet,” I said, looking at the granary that I absolutely did not remember approving.  “Care to explain that?”  I indicated the wooden building that sat on a base of the most minimalistic stone.

“Certainly,” stated HaroldBruce with more confidence than I would have given him credit for.  “I understand that you wouldn’t necessarily want a granary outside the city walls.  However, the roads around here aren’t finished yet.  It's easier for various farms to transport the daily haul to that granary.  It’s a more central location and far easier to get to.”

Granaries were city buildings that allowed you to store food.  That alone would have made it worthwhile, but the length of time that food stayed fresh depended on the quality of the granary.  Food would last much longer if stored in a highly rated granary.  Depending on the crops, a granary could even minimize the risk of fire or explosion.  My issue was that, by leaving the granary outside the wall, it was useless during an attack.  Attacks were something I was becoming more concerned with by the day.

Sensing my worry, HaroldBruce continued, “This granary never has more than a single day’s worth of grain in it.  Everything else is taken into the city proper, as is law.”

I raised an eyebrow.

●        You have learned more about City Laws.  You now possess the City Law specialty for your Lawyering skill.  

The Windfall tab on my character sheet expanded to include a section for city laws.  There was a combination of standard Windfall town laws, a handful of laws that had been modified by Mar or Blots, and some old laws dating as far back as Grebthar’s days. 

Mar had anticipated my concern.  He had passed a law by mayoral decree stating that all stored grains must be brought into the city at the end of every day. 

“Why not just build a way station?” I asked, bringing up the town construction menu.  Logistical buildings had a massive assortment of types.  Most of them were rather mundane.  The more specialized they were, the more they cost.  Still, building a way station to hold goods until the end of the day would have been far less expensive than building a whole granary.

“Because you might expand the city wall someday,” stated HaroldBruce sheepishly.

I glanced around.  The plain west of Windfall was broad, flat, and huge.  There was no way I’d be building a wall out here that compared to the town’s wall.  Then again, there were walls, and then there were walls.

Bringing up the building menu again, I selected the walls tab and checked my options.  The shortest wall that was any good as a barricade was ten feet tall.  It was also not terribly expensive.  I ran the numbers and considered it.

By building the granary here, HaroldBruce had basically ensured that this little patch of land was going to be the administrative center of the farming district.  Of course, it was adjacent to his farm.  Right now, that meant that the small tavern and lower-ranked blacksmithy that had cropped up was all there was.  However, if I did decide to make West Windfall a proper district in the future, that would change.

Districts were a new feature that I’d gotten when I’d finally hit Expert in Administration.  Given the Skill Points that I was earning from the caravan and Windfall, it was bound to happen sooner rather than later.  I’d actually hit Expert while sailing home, doing no Administration at all, at least not actively.  Everyone got the benefits of my higher ranked Administration skill.  When added to my passive buffs, it was impressive.

Once I’d hit Expert, my map of Windfall had changed.  Now, it was shown as broken up into four sections.  Unsurprisingly, they were based on where the main roads crossed through town.  We had a North East, North West, South East, and South West district.  Each of those sections already had administration buildings.  Mar was now having to hire more clerks to fill them, as the town's bureaucracy continued to grow. 

It wasn’t small town America.  We ran far leaner than that, due mainly to the menu system.  Still, we were growing.  I didn’t even know all the lower ranked administrators yet. 

However, given the town’s rank, we would be eligible for an official fifth district soon. HaroldBruce was smart enough to realize that he’d be well-situated, should I make the decision to add another district.  That was a choice for later, though.  I could just as easily go east and turn the mine into a district.  Doing so would grant us benefits to our metal and stone output that would stack with the town’s perks for the mine. 

Districts allowed you to specialize sections of the town for various tasks, which explained why you found most industries concentrated in specific sections of town.  As most of our districts were lower level, those benefits didn’t amount to much.  However, all areas were growing rapidly.  Soon, there would be an obvious uptick from the Wind’s Saw, once the district leveled up again. 

“Let’s see it,” I said, gesturing toward the two-story granary.  HaroldBruce let out a sharp whistle, and several former ThooClickians rushed out.  They were obviously trying to put on a show for their mayor.  I recognized enough of them to realize they were the children from the adjacent farms.  They checked the nearby wagon for grain to unload.  Even the oxen looked confident.

“That’s weird.  I just got a <system> message,” stated Shart.  “What did you do?” 

“Without further ado, I present the ThooClicky Granary,” stated HaroldBruce.  I nodded.  I would give him that.  The old farmer grinned and walked over to the large doors at the base.  He pulled one open, right before a bright flash encompassed him.

There was an issue with storing grain at a granary.  It was called a dust explosion.  Grains are dusty.  If you exposed that dust to a flame, it burned.  A properly built granary has safety systems built in to prevent dust concentration from reaching a critical level.  Either those systems had failed, or they had never existed.  I wasn’t sure which was more likely, given the rushed, unapproved erection of this particular building.

The explosion was powerful enough to fling HaroldBruce toward me.  A brick impacted his head, leaving the side of his face with a massive bruise.  I executed Flash Steps and snatched the farmer.  Concentrating, I tossed him a dozen yards outside the blast range.

“The kids,” screamed Badgelor, leaping off my back and running toward them.  I spared a quick glance at them.  They looked shocked but uninjured, despite their close proximity to the blast.  Then, I heard the popping sound.  The foundation of the granary had cracked, and the two-story structure was starting to topple directly toward a half-dozen children. 

Badgelor beat me to them.  He expanded into his massive, Ultimate size and grabbed all six kids, stuffing them under his belly.  The tower began its proper collapse.  Badgelor stood unflinchingly, as the massive structure smashed to flinders on his back. 

That didn’t end it, though.  The structure was using a massive block and tackle to move bushels of grain onto the carts.  Something must have landed on the ropes it used, because the entire series of pulleys went flying in various directions.

One came directly toward me, and I blocked it with my wrist.

●        Wrist broken, 33 point injury

Mitigate worked using a combination of your natural Endurance as well as your armor.  In my heavier armor, I could shrug off 15 points of Damage.  In my leather armor, I could only ignore about 8, which was unfortunate. 

I grabbed the coiled rope hanging from the pulley and used it like a whip, snatching another airborne pulley and slamming it into the ground.  Fortunately, only one remaining pulley was heading toward someone.   Unfortunately, it was traveling at an angle that only gave me one real option.

Charging, I flung myself into the path of the wildly spinning metal pulley.  As the contraption hit me, I winced mightily.

●        Critical Injury, groin, left testicle is shattered.

I threw up a bit.  I was an old hand at catastrophic groin injuries, but there were practical limits.  I canceled my Regeneration spell on HaroldBruce and cast it upon myself.  Then, I added a Heal Injury for good measure. 

“What the hell just happened?” I asked Shart.

“I don’t know.  It just looks like you were really unlucky,” stated Shart.

Looking around, I took in the destroyed granary and the many injured people.  That wasn’t unlucky; that was catastrophic.  Lefty certainly seemed to think so. 

Chapter 40 - Search and Rescue

I didn’t have enough Mana for all the injured, especially not the bad ones.  I hadn’t replenished my stock of healing potions, either.  We had injuries ranging from HaroldBruce, who had most of his back burned off, to the small child whose foot had been turned to pulp by a massive brick.

Of course, the Treatment skill allowed me to use Stamina to directly heal people. However, it did so in a different and much slower way.  Treatment could set an injury, allowing it to heal at a vastly accelerated rate, but that was still far short of magic.  I activated my Treatment skill on HaroldBruce. 

●        Treatment ineffective, the wound will require a skin graft.  Detected, Craftsman Needs No Tools.  Would you like to perform a skin graft for 400 Stamina?  <Yes/No>?

Well, shit.  Craftsman Needs No Tools let me spend Stamina to make up for missing equipment.  In this case, I would be able to do a skin graft, if I could pay the exorbitant cost.  I cast Regenerate on him instead, which sapped my Mana Regeneration, while I used Treatment on several other wounded victims.  Thanks to Badgelor, only one of the children was seriously wounded, but the massive badger was still glaring at me.

“Fix the kid,” he stated bluntly.

“I don’t have enough Mana.  Besides, the kid is stable.  If I don’t fix some of these people, they are going to die,” I stated.  The child screamed again, and Badgelor grunted.  He shrank down to his travel size and leapt onto my back.  Suddenly, my Mana started to replenish, despite the fact that I was channeling a spell.

“Wait, if I’m channeling Regeneration, my Mana recovery is supposed to be halted,” I said, watching my bar refill.

“Yes, but I’m not channeling shit.  Heal the kid,” ordered Badgelor.  “If you don’t hurry, he’s going to lose his foot.”  One of my Companion perks allowed Badgelor and myself to share our Stamina and Mana pools.  That included the replenishment of both. 

That vastly simplified things.  I went from being Mana strapped to being able to cast healing spells on anyone who needed one.  I continued to use Treatment on the less seriously injured.  It took two full minutes of channeling to repair the child’s foot, but I managed to make it whole again.  It even looked like an actual, human foot.  HaroldBruce received a combination of Treatment and Regeneration, until he was healthy as a horse.

“Badger,” stated Shart.

“What?” I asked.

“Healthy as a badger,” the demon explained.

“Healthy as a badger?” I asked.  What could I say?  Badgers were very popular. 

“Yes.  Who cares about a damn horse?” replied Shart.  I was gathering that most animal references on Ordinal eventually led back to Badgelor. 

There were two other serious injuries.  With my doubled Regeneration, as well as access to Badgelor’s massive Mana pool, I was able to heal everyone.

The only real problem was that, while the Regeneration was quick, the sharing of the Mana pool was a slow process.  Whenever I used his Mana, it almost seemed like Badgelor was casting the spells, not me. 

I dismissed that as being something I really didn’t have time to analyze. 

“Thank you, Mister Mayor,” said the small boy, still wiggling his toes with amazement.  He had been in shock from both the pain and the absolute knowledge that he was about to be down a foot.  Now, he was as good as new.  He gave Badgelor a massive hug, before running off to join the other children.

I looked over to HaroldBruce.  “Any idea how this happened?”

He shook his head.  It was a task made much easier now that his neck wasn’t broken.  I had thrown him kind of hard in my desperate bid to save him.  “No, we don’t store that much grain in there, and it is fully opened each day.  There shouldn’t have been enough grain dust built up to cause an explosion like that.”

“About that,” stated Shart.  “I dug around.  From what I am reading, it looks like the building was shoddily assembled.  The venting up top was of poor quality.  None of the grain dust was able to escape that way.”

I walked over to the remains of the door and activated my Trap Sensing skill.  Nothing came up, which made sense.  We were still in the barrier.  If you put down a trap within the barrier, it showed up.  I picked up a door fragment, but it was so badly damaged that it was useless.  Grumbling, I was about to give up, but Badgelor walked over and spat something on the ground in front of me.

“A hinge?” I asked, looking at it.

“It smells weird,” stated Badgelor.  “The other ones are all high steel.  This one is different.”

I inhaled sharply, but all I could smell was burnt wood and oxidized metal.  I flexed the hinge and received a minor jolt, causing me to drop it.

“It shocked me,” I stated.

“Let me check,” replied Shart.  There was a massive amount of typing heard.  Then, he continued, “I’ve brought up all the hinges from there.  They were all made in town out of metals from the mine.  Hm. . . hold on.  Wait, the pin of that hinge isn’t right.”

I picked up the offending bit of metal and looked at the pin in the hinge.  Presently, metal hinges were all the rage in Windfall.  We were in the process of replacing all the older, leather ones.  There were Blacksmiths who did nothing but work on these pieces, and I recognized the maker’s stamp as one near Lutal’s shop. 

The entire hinge was made of high steel, steel infused with a bit of magical crystal, except for that central pin.  The metal it was made of was obviously not steel, nor was it any variation of iron.

“It’s electrum,” stated Shart.

“A mix of gold and silver?” I asked.

Shart paused for a long moment.  “No, you nimrod, it’s electrum.  It's a metal.”

“On Earth, electrum is an alloy,” I replied.

“Cool!  When we get to Earth, I’m sure that will be very useful information,” stated Shart. “On Ordinal, it's a waste of everyone’s time, sort of like when you talk.”

“What’s so special about electrum?” I asked.  

“It’s a magical metal that generates electricity,” answered Badgelor. 

“I was getting to that,” replied Shart.

“Why would the pin in this hinge be made of electrum, not high steel?” I asked HaroldBruce.

HaroldBruce shrugged.  “I don’t know.  That hinge was acting up, so we ordered a replacement yesterday.  I picked it up myself this morning.  They handed me that hinge out of their inventory.”

I pried the bolt from the hinge and headed to a certain Blacksmith’s shop.  When I arrived, I found the Blacksmith easily.  She was a middle-aged woman named Eight Embers.  While not rude, she was also not overly friendly.  Her stern demeanor and focused concentration gave the air of a high school principal.  She definitely did not want to be your princi-pal.  Eight Embers didn’t just produce hinges. She produced all sorts of metal fixings, from utilitarian to highly decorative.  Eight Embers recognized the pin instantly.

“I made it for one of the Dalton girls,” she said, sighing.  She put on some very heavy gloves and began examining the pin.  “It was for some contraption she was working on.  I made a bunch of them.  They are all based on the same plan I use to make my larger hinge pins.”

That made sense.  Most Blacksmith’s plans let you pick the metal you were using as part of the creation process.  You’d get the same size piece, whether you used electrum or high steel.    

“Which girl?” I asked.

Eight Embers looked at me for a moment.  “I’m not sure I should tell you that.”

I was about to test my Charisma, but Badgelor didn’t give me a chance.  He hopped off my shoulder and landed on her desk.  Then, he flipped over, exposing his soft, furry belly.  Eight Embers tried to resist its intoxicating powers but failed.  As she reached to give it a scritchy scratch, I shook my head.

“Not until you tell me who you made it for,” I said.

She frowned, but the power of the belly was too much.  “Margwal, she needed some for an engineering contraption she was building.”

“Is there any chance you could have accidentally used the wrong pin when making the hinge?” I asked.  Eight Embers quickly removed her gloves and started scratching the all-powerful belly.

“No, I made them custom and handed them over when I was done,” she said, placing her face into Badgelor’s belly and moving it from side to side. 

“Thank you, I’ll go speak with Margwal,” I said. 

Finding Margwal’s new place was easy, principally because it was within a short hop from my own house.  I knocked on the door, and a young man opened it.  He looked tired. 

“I’m here for Margwal,” I said, spotting a very short man standing in the doorway, wearing only pants.  I recognized him from the mine. 

“The mistress is busy,” stated the miner, carefully regarding me.

“What a dopey individual,” I thought to Shart.

“He’s probably been exposed to too many fumes at the mine,” said Shart, explaining everything and nothing.  Mostly nothing. 

“She will speak with me now,” I said so loudly that I could be heard throughout the house.  I heard a response from upstairs.

“Let the Mayor in,” sang Margwal.  “I’ll be down in a minute.”

It was three before she finally showed up.  Her hair was in disarray, and she was wearing a simple peasant’s dress that appeared to have been hastily tossed on.  I examined the dehydrated young man that followed her downstairs.  He took one look at me and ducked back upstairs quickly. 

“New friend?” I asked.

“Certainly,” she replied, sitting down in a large chair across from me.  I held up the pin.

“Recognize this?” I asked.

She reached out and grabbed it.  The fact that the pin didn’t shock her did not go unnoticed.  “Where did you find this?”

“From a hinge,” I replied. 

“Well, I ordered some like this, but I used them all in my latest invention.  It’s a self-propelled mine drill,” she said.

“What is that called?” I asked.

“A drillamajigger,” she answered, curiously examining the pin.  “It's not a unique thing.  Hansa has one, too, but mine is better.”  The Dalton girls were their own worst competition.  Hansa made neat things that worked great, while she was there.  They often exploded once she was gone.  Margwal just made things that worked. 

“Could you check to see if any of the pins you used were actually high steel?” I asked.

“I will, though I would have noticed when I installed them yesterday,” stated Margwal, raising an eyebrow at me.  “Is there something I should be concerned with?”

“There was an explosion,” I replied, “Caused by this pin.”

She scrutinized it for another long moment.  “That is most unfortunate.  Is there anything else I can do for you?”

I thanked her for her time and stepped out, just as Badgelor hopped out of the Blacksmith’s shop.

“That was a total bust,” I said.

“I had fun,” replied Badgelor.

“We have no idea how that explosion happened,” I grumbled.  I knew it had to be Maggie, but she hadn’t left any tracks.  “Shart, didn’t you say something about a <system> message right before?  What was that all about?”

“I’m not sure.  I wasn’t really watching it, and it flew by so fast that I didn't have a chance to review it,” stated Shart.  “I honestly assumed it was something else you had done.  You have a tendency to trigger the <system>.”

The <system> logs that Shart could access on Ordinal tended to overflow quickly.  If he wasn’t on the ball when an event occurred, he would miss it.  It always disappointed the zit to miss an alert.  Normally, it was something I had done, and a missed alert was a missed opportunity to tell me off for something.

“Keep watching for it.  Maybe we can learn something there,” I said.

“I’m hungry,” grumbled Badgelor.

I thought back to my itinerary.  “We are due to have a very late lunch with Mar and Blots soon.”

“Yeah, so late that it might as well be dinner,” grumbled the badger.  “That means I skipped a real lunch.”

“That just means you can eat more at the inn,” I replied.

“Hey, Dum Dum, you scheduled that meeting, right?” asked Shart.  “That means Maggie knows about it.”

“Shit,” I stated.

Chapter 41 - The Great Chili Contest

I hadn’t been back to the Golden Badger since returning to Windfall.  The place was exactly like I remembered it, only busier.  It was also bereft of an Orb of Annihilation, meaning my meeting there was utterly pointless.  For some strange, stupid reason, I thought Mar would let me retreat after just a simple greeting. 

Glancing around, I noticed something was tragically missing.  

“What happened to my table?” I asked, as MaGetty was walking by.  She looked at me and shrugged.

“All the adventurers left, so it got repurposed,” she responded.  “Maybe if you ate here more, I’d have a special table just for you.”  Then, she vanished into the crowd, leaving me all by my lonesome.  I looked around the establishment for a place to sit.

“We don’t want to cause another scene,” I said, looking around the crowd.  If something went down, there was no way I could get everyone out fast enough.  “Just act casual until we figure out what is going on.”

“Act casual.  Got it,” stated Badgelor, rushing to his unique chair.  Though my table was gone, Badgelor still had his throne, which was absolutely not a highchair.  He darted over to it and plopped down, sighing contentedly.  Before he even had a chance to get fully settled, a large plate of food was brought over and placed in front of him.  He loudly and grossly began to eat.

“We are so normal and casual that it hurts.  See anything strange yet?” asked Shart.

“Nope, and it's best to deal with problems on a full stomach,” stated Badgelor.  He stabbed a boiled egg with one sharp claw and scarfed it down.

I spotted Blots and Mar at a table, having a private conversation.  As I strolled over, Blots saw me.  The two moved apart slightly, waving me over.  The Golden Badger favored large tables, and you frequently had to share with other people.  Mar and Blots had gotten smart. They both sat on the same side.  That offered them more room to themselves and a bit more privacy. 

I sat across from them.  “How are you two doing?”

“Very good,” stated Blots.  He was always the more talkative of the two, probably because he was a Merchant.  Mar couldn’t quite meet my eyes.  Only a couple people knew that Maggie was in town.  All Mar knew was that there had been two nearly fatal accidents and that I had just happened to be close enough to resolve them both. 

“Well, no worries, I found out what happened at the granary.  It was a series of minor accidents that culminated in the explosion,” I said.  “I have all the relevant parties ensuring that it doesn’t happen again.”

Mar nodded, and Blots patted him on the shoulder.  Mar finally spoke, “If you need my resignation-”

“No, none of this was your fault,” I said.

“Every town has accidents,” said Blots, trying to cheer Mar up.  “Heck, we’ve had fatalities.  It's just good that Jim is here to fix them, even if he is also sort of a lightning rod for them.”

“Hmm,” I said, glancing at Blots.

“Sorry, Jim, it's just that, since you’ve been back, our luck has been nothing but bad,” stated Blots.  “Maybe we should all go running whenever Jim shows up.”

“I am not bad luck,” I grumbled.  Blots had a point, though.  Two events occurred while I was nearby.  If that turned into a pattern, I was going to be ostracized pretty quickly.  If there was an event in the Golden Badger, I needed to resolve it quietly. 

“Oh, shit,” gasped Shart.

“Did you find something?” I asked.

“No, but an alert just showed up in the <log> again,” he replied.  “I didn’t get a chance to read it fully, but it was marked the same weird way as the last one.”

I did a quick puma check throughout the room.  Nothing looked out of place.  MaGetty left the back room and headed toward us.  Was she the Assassin?  That didn’t make sense.  I supposed Maggie could have assumed her shape, but she struck me as too vain to appear as an old woman.

“Fresh chili,” said MaGetty, sitting down two bowls of piping hot stew.  One was placed in front of Mar; the other was given to Blots.  They both grinned at her, as she exclaimed, “New recipe, extra spicy!” 

I glanced at the chili.  To my eyes, it appeared bright purple.  That was a sure sign of poison.  Why would Maggie try to poison those two? 

●        Nitro Death Chili Powder: This poison will cause 23 points of Damage per second, for 20 seconds.  Persons slain by the poison will explode.

“Is she here?” I asked Shart.

“I can’t tell,” he replied.

“I don’t want to start a panic.  How big of an explosion will this stuff cause?” I asked. Shart showed me a map with the blast radius outlined.  It was going to kill every non-adventurer in the Golden Badger. 

“It will also blow up as soon as it cools down,” said Shart.  “There’s lots of it, probably enough to blow up the bar.”

“How the fuck is that a poison?” I groaned.

“It works great,” said Shart.  “Kill the target and destroy the evidence.  It’s strange that it doesn’t have a maker’s mark, though.”

“Would a poison?” I asked.

“Well, it would be hidden, but this one doesn’t have one at all.  It's like the <system> made it or something,” stated Shart. 

I looked at Blots and Mar.  If either of them took even one bite, they would die.  If someone didn’t eat the cooling chili soon, it would explode. 

“If it's poison, my Poisoner perk grants me partial resistance, right?” I asked.

“Uh, sort of,” responded Shart vaguely.

I only had bad options.  I could grab the chili, announce it was poison, and throw it out.  That would reinforce the notion that I was bad luck, which I kind of wanted to avoid.  In fact, all my options involving disposing of a brand-new pot of chili were bad.  I needed to get rid of those bowls quietly.  That narrowed my choices down to one bad option. 

I sniffed loudly, as Blots reached for his spoon.  I rudely grabbed both bowls like I was born in a barn.  “That stuff smells great.  I’d like to try it!”

Before either had a chance to protest, I poured one entire bowl of the hot, spicy concoction down my throat.  I used an ancient beer chugging technique that I half-remembered from college.  Even with Mitigate and Dragon Scales, I took some Damage.  As I swallowed the bubbling mess, I got a prompt

●        You have been poisoned.  Nitro Death Chili Powder is causing base 23 Damage per second.  Reduced by 8 from your stats.  Damage is halved to 7 points per second.  Would you like to spend Stamina to resist the Damage?  (Yes/No?)

I selected “Yes” and felt the poison slowly burn into me.  Instead of doing 23 Damage over 20 seconds, it was doing 1 Damage a second over 6 seconds.  That was entirely manageable. 

“Hey,” said Mar, but Blots was captivated.  After all, one doesn’t typically see someone drink an entire bowl of chili in one go.  I coughed as I finished it, causing a small amount of hot chili to land on my hand with a hissing sound. 

“That was amazing,” cried out Blots, as the spices hit me.  Imagine jamming your face into atomic chili and blowing bubbles.  It was like that, except stupider.  Blots thought about it for a moment.  “Can you do it again?”

I looked at the other bowl of chili and realized that the hissing I was hearing wasn’t from it boiling.  It was from the explosive powder preparing to detonate.  “Of course, I can do it.  I’m not a weakling like Badgelor!”

“What the hell did you just say?” asked Badgelor, promptly running across the room.  He grabbed at the bowl.  “I’m Badgelor!  I’m the toughest son of a bitch that’s ever lived.” 

“Prove it,” I said, pushing the second bowl toward him.  The badger walked over and loudly sniffed it.

“Wait, this is poison!” exclaimed Badgelor, sniffing again.  “This is Nitro Death Chili Powder!  It’s the exploding poison!  If it cools down, it will blow up my bar!”  Badgelor immediately scarfed down the entire bowl.  His tiny badger face crinkled cutely, as the impressive heat blasted into him. 

Luckily, most hadn’t heard his poison proclamation.  People began to part around us, taking bets on who could eat more chili. 

“More, more, more!” the people started yelling.

“Bring out the whole pot,” I said.

“Are you crazy?” asked Shart.

“It only caused 6 points of Damage.  If we ensure that it's not all poisoned, we can eat it much more slowly,” I said.

Badgelor groaned.  “I have much more sensitive taste buds than you.  This is not ideal.”

“You eat corpses,” I growled.

“Bland corpses,” stated Badgelor.  “It feels like my tongue is on fire.”

“I understand.  If you’re scared, I’ll just eat it all myself,” I replied.

Badgelor growled, gesturing at the table.  Somehow, people understood his desire.  The table was cleared, and stacks of empty bowls were brought over.  Two of the kitchen hands brought out the large tub of chili and hung it over the fireplace to keep it warm.  It looked like we were in that old drinking game from Raiders.

The entire cauldron glowed purple in my vision. 

“Feck this,” stated Badgelor, expanding to his War Form.

“Wait, go to Ultimate Badgelor.  You can eat the thing in one gulp,” I said.

“MaGetty said I’m not allowed to do that in the Golden Badger,” replied Badgelor.  In his expanded War Form, he was about 500 pounds of angry badger, which gave him an advantage.  Part of me wanted to just say that the chili was poisoned and that it needed to be disposed of.  However, that would make three places I’d been with death events since my return, and I just couldn’t do it. 

“What, are you chicken?” I asked Badgelor, ladling out a huge helping of the chili and lifting the bowl to my lips.

“No, yer the chicken,” retorted Badgelor, as MaGetty ladled out a portion for him.  We both started eating simultaneously.

Several minutes later, I wanted to die.  I had a lot of bad ideas, but this was one of the worst.  I should have told them about the poison, damn the consequences.  I was winning, though, and I wouldn’t give Badgelor the satisfaction of stopping now.

“It takes longer to eat chili with a badger’s mouth,” grumbled Badgelor.  He turned and hissed at someone trying to take a bite of chili themselves.  The young man backed off at the nearly insane look in Badgelor’s eyes.

“I’m going to shit out my soul,” I said calmly, as MaGetty ladled me yet another bowl of chili.  We weren’t even at the halfway mark.  It was spicy and too hot to eat, but I’d say the worst part was the poison.  The poison was slightly winning out over the other two issues. 

The bar was divided into halves.  Blots was leading the side for me, while Mar was heading the side for Badgelor.  Several young girls had made badger ears and were screaming Badgelor’s name.  Blots came over to me to lay down an inspirational pep talk.  

The Merchant slapped me on the cheek.  “Focus, Jim, you got this.  I believe in you.”

Great, I hate Blots now.

Six bowls of chili later, everything started to get hazy.  I was sitting on one side of the table, a dozen empty bowls by my side.  Badgelor was sitting across from me.  Next to him sat his own dozen empty bowls.  Both of us looked dead on our feet.  Sheer willpower was all that was keeping us going.

I finished my next bowl first.  Then, I watched Badgelor attempt to finish his.  He drank most of it, licking the remains from the bottom of the bowl.  When he was finished, he slammed the empty bowl onto the table.  Glaring at me, my furry companion wobbled and fell backward.  As he hit the floor, he let out an enormous fart.

The room cheered.  I staggered to my feet and looked into the almost empty cauldron.  I reached into it with my hand and scraped out the last bits.  Lifting my dripping hand to my face, I plopped the dregs into my mouth.  That is what victory tasted like. 

It tasted like a cauldron full of poisoned chili. 

“That was amazing,” shouted Blots above the din of the cheering crowd.

“Where is the toilet?” I asked.

“You rang?” replied MartinLuther. 

Chapter 42 - That’s one Irate Princess

I was suddenly the proud owner of toilets for every floor of Windfall Manor.  MartinLuther had rushed to install them.  In the meantime, I had desecrated the Golden Badger’s outhouse. 

“If you don’t get out soon, I’m going to start charging you rent,” stated MaGetty, as I slowly opened the door.  I was a broken man.  If it was bad going in, it was worse coming out.  Badgelor was lucky.  They had just thrown him in an alley behind the inn.  He’d promptly expanded to Ultimate Badgelor size and staggered off somewhere. 

I couldn’t change sizes like that to expand my stomach.  I had to remain bursting at the seams, trying to digest all that terrible stuff.  I had no sense of smell or taste, and light hurt my skin.  I tried to straighten up and walk back to my house, but I’d taken a lot of Poison Damage.  Plus, I would have to pay for the outhouse.  When I stepped out, it exploded. 

“Well, at least I figured something out,” grated Shart incomprehensibly.

“Buh,” I replied, like a normal person.

“I wondered how anyone in town possessed such a rare poison recipe.  Logically, Maggie would know it, but there was no maker’s mark,” continued Shart.

“But you said there was no mark,” I groaned, adding much needed knowledge to Shart’s discussion.

There was a long pause.  I could hear Shart huffing in irritation at something.  “Yes, Dum Dum, I did say that there was no maker’s mark at all.  I now know why.  The <system> thinks that the poison occurred naturally,” stated Shart.

“In a kitchen?” I replied, trying to stumble in a somewhat straight line.

“That’s the point.  I think, through some fluke accidents, all the ingredients got into the pot, and conditions were right for the poison to form,’ stated Shart.  “It was all really bad luck.”

“So, she has a really high luck stat,” I said, spotting a rain barrel and dunking my head into it.  The cold water gave my tongue a momentary flash of relief, before I continued stumbling forward.

“She has Luck perks,” stated Shart.  “If you have a high enough Luck stat, along with some perks to back it up, you end up having really unusual events occur around you.”

“Like randomly exploding granaries and poisoned chili?” I groaned.  “That means I really am the lighting rod.”

Shart considered that.  “Yes, probably.  She likely has you set as the trigger.  Whenever you arrive somewhere, her luck triggers, causing a very unlikely, yet somehow plausible, event.”

That meant my best bet was to stay in the house.  At the moment, that sounded like a great idea.  I stumbled along, hoping to make it inside before anyone noticed what was going on.

I almost made it, but Shart’s orb began vibrating in my pouch.  I was wearing leather armor, so pockets were out of the question.  My normal way of carrying valuables that I didn’t put into dimensional storage was to dump them into what amounted to a fanny pack. 

That fanny pack tried to shoot away from me.  As it was attached to my belt, it didn’t get very far.  Unfortunately, the Walker Orb was a powerful magical artifact.  When it went to battle against the fabric of my pouch, there really wasn’t a contest.  After a long tug that caused me to stumble forward several paces, the orb exploded out of my pouch.  Coins scattered everywhere, and the hinge pin fell to the ground. 

The orb slapped into the palm of a very angry Julia. 

“You tricked me,” she declared.  I stood back up and stumbled toward the steps to my porch.  I just needed to make it a few more paces.  “You knew I’d want to go adventuring, and you somehow stole the demon.”

Julia’s screaming had started to gather a crowd.  That didn’t seem fair, because she was dressed all pretty and standing tall.  I was doing an urgent potty bathroom shuffle.

“Bingo,” I grunted.  I was staring at my staircase, which was entirely too tall for a building that size.  No one could possibly climb that many stairs.  Groaning, I placed my foot on the first step.

Julia strolled past me, easily climbing the three steps to the porch.  Then, she turned around and glared down at me.  She was wearing a different outfit than what I’d last seen her in.  It looked like something from the Army of Windfall’s storage.  Her hair was tied up into two buns, one on either side of her head, Princess Leia style.  The robe she wore was blue with purple highlights, giving it a very military feel. 

“I was just out fighting the biggest damn troll I’ve ever seen.  Its whole body was covered in Shadow runes, and I thought to myself, ‘Gee, it would be nice to know what I am fighting.’,” mocked Julia.  “So, I decided to check with the Elder Demon, only to find that he had been stolen.”

I didn’t deny it.  Why bother?  She had the orb back, and I was clearly the one who had taken it.  I felt my stomach rumble and tried to adjust myself.  “You got away.  No harm done.”

“No harm done?” she sneered.  “That huge troll almost smashed our forces.  Zorlando barely managed to pull us out.  Truthfully, I’m kind of impressed.  I didn’t expect you to have someone that competent leading your forces.”

“He’s a testament to my ability to delegate,” I groaned.

“You’re just lucky that I was there to back him up.  Without me, those trolls would have smashed your precious Dashing Dandies,” continued Julia.  She suddenly paused.  “That’s actually a bit unfair.  They were handling themselves very well, until that specific troll appeared.  Zorlando is very competent.”  

“So, your Holy Magic is good against Shadow.  That’s hardly news,” I replied, irritated.

“You don’t get it!   There was a fracture there,” replied Julia hotly.

“A fracture?” I asked, deciding that I wasn’t going to get past her.  Moving through her would cause an accident.

“Holy Energy sits on top of the world, and the Shadow hides behind it,” recited Julia.  When I gave her a blank look in response, she groaned.  “Sometimes Shadow Energy gains enough power to seep through the Holy Energy.  It manifests itself as cracks in reality.”

“So, the troll was gaining power from that?” I asked.

“Of course!  I battled him and sealed the crack,” said Julia.

“How did you seal the crack?” I asked, hoping the conversation would end soon, and I could leave. 

Julia held up her hand, and a golden disk formed.  “It's just Shadow Magic.  You press Holy Magic over it, and the hole will seal, assuming it's not very big.  If it is, you have to use more obscure magic.”

“Is the town at risk?” I asked.

“Why would it be?  You have a barrier and a cathedral.  Someone would have to use an artifact to scrape through the Holy Energy around here,” said Julia, as she considered.  “Maybe near the mine, if the barrier was down.  That’s about the closest anyone could get.  However, fractures are exceedingly uncommon.  The one I sealed was probably the only one around.”

“Good, if you are finished, I need to get in the house,” I said, wobbling slightly.  I tried to maneuver past her, but the crowd of lookie-loos was getting kind of thick.  I’d have to come up with a better plan. 

“You need to get your head on straight.  You are not the second coming of Grebthar!” Julia shouted. 

“Okay,” I replied, trying to sneak past her.  She somehow saw through my Stealth skill. 

“You didn’t activate your Stealth skill,” stated Shart.

“Hush, Shart,” I said out loud, causing Julia to become even more pissed.

“Stop calling him Shart!  He deserves a ton more respect than that,” she growled.

“You know I could have chosen her instead of you, right?” asked Shart.

“Shush, Shart,” I groaned.

Julia, for some incredibly odd reason, grew even more pissed.  She painfully jabbed her finger into my chest and opened her mouth for a sound telling off.  She suddenly paused, her nose crinkling.  Sniffing loudly, she asked, “What is that smell?”

“When you poked me, I let one rip.  I need to get into the house,” I replied.  My stomach began a long, rumbling noise.  It sounded dangerous. 

“What did you do?” she exclaimed.

“Badgelor and I had a chili eating contest.  I won,” I answered, “But everyone really lost.”

She glared even more, baring her teeth for a moment.  The smell finally hit her fully, and she started to tear up.  “You can’t be the Mayor of Windfall!  I simply don’t believe it.”

“I don’t care what you believe.  I need to use the bathroom,” I responded.

“The real Mayor is coming!  When he does, everyone is going to realize how much of a fake you are,” said Julia.  “The Mayor is larger than life.  He is powerful and impressive.  People kneel when they see him!”

“If you don't let me in soon, there is going to be major kneeling all right,” I begged.

“What, are you going to chili fart your way past me?” chided Julia, quickly casting a spell.  It was Heal Injury mixed with Heal Condition.  Both were cast at a higher level than I could manage.  The combination ended my stomach issues like a switch being flipped off.  “So, what are you going to do?”

All of a sudden, I felt empty.   Even the burning on my tongue had cleared up.  I straightened up.  I was able to look directly into her eyes, even though I was a full step down from her.  I glared at her.  The nerve of her, insulting me in my own city.  The sheer gall.  I bared my teeth at her and said, “Kneel.”

●        Intimidation Check, Primary Target resists.  Julia has high enough Mental Resistance to overcome your command.  Brass Lungs active.  All targets within 15 logs are treated as secondary targets.  All secondary targets failed. 

Julia barely shook off my command.  She snarled at me before noticing the kneeling crowd around her.  She stopped dead.  I pushed past her and walked into my house, slamming the door behind me. 

Chapter 43 - Crafting and Swords

I walked over to the staircase, intending to go to the third floor.  I really wanted my workshop.  The room was blissfully quiet and, thankfully, well-stocked.  There were dozens of bars of high steel, as well as some of the earlier efforts at more exotic alloys from the foundries.  Next to it the metal station was an Alchemy station, containing a large number of dried herbs.

I ignored most of the stations, including the leatherworking one.  I rarely used it.  When I did, it was only to repair my armor.  I spotted the enchanting station, which I had still not used properly.  While I could etch runes, actually enchanting them was another matter.  Enchanting was quite a bit more complicated.

Referencing Mystical Lore, I was able to glean some more information about enchanting versus runes.  I could etch runes onto virtually any material, and they would marginally improve the item’s basic characteristics.  Runes accomplished this by adding minor effects. On the other hand, enchanting allowed you to fundamentally empower items.  However, it was far more challenging than etching.

At the moment, I lacked the time and patience for proper enchanting.  I needed to repair my sword and see what I could do to upgrade it.

●   Grebthar’s Sword, Base damage 4-11, Extra Damage 1-6 Slashing, bonus 50% Fire, Bonus 50% Lightning.  Durability: 139/280.  Note: Sword has been used as a focal point to cast a Plasma-Based spell.  The weapon now grants +2 ranks of Plasma Control.

The sword had dropped below half Durability, so I brought up the repair odds. With my skills, the lowest I could score was a minimal success.  That would restore 10% of the sword's Durability, per 2 bars of high steel.  I spent the next several minutes hammering the metal into the blade.  Finally, the Durability was up to full.

“Now, let's see what I can do to modify this,” I said into the stark silence of the room.  No one was at the manor with me.  I checked the house logs and verified it was empty.  Zorlando was out, probably with Ashe.  She always visited him whenever he returned from a mission.  Thinking back, I was nearly positive that it was the first time I’d been alone since arriving on Ordinal.  It felt strange.

I mentally shot a call over to Badgelor.  He groaned back, “I don’t care.  I’m dying.”

“Really dying or ate too much chili dying?” I asked.

“I’ll have to get back to you on that,” groaned the badger.

“If you can find Julia, she can heal you,” I replied.

“That would require moving,” stated Badgelor, checking his status.  “By my own back teeth, this Condition lasts for sixteen more hours.  I’m going to find her.”

“I’m totally using ‘by Badgelor’s back teeth’ now, you realize,” I said.

“Feck off,” groaned Badgelor.

I brought up my Journeyman Smithing and examined the sword.  On Earth, you couldn’t significantly modify metal after it was forged.  On Ordinal, I had a few options based on my skills and perks.

When I had first discovered Rune Smithing, I’d asked Shart if I could use it on a sword. Shart had told me about how runes worked and how they interfered with my Mage Knight class.  What Shart had not told me was that there was more than one way to modify a sword.

Using Smithing, I examined the sword more carefully.

●   Grebthar’s Sword, Modifications 2 of 4.

●     Extra Damage: 1-6 Slashing

●     Enhanced Durability (Expert): +250%

Smithing had its own ability to augment a weapon that was not in the least bit magical.  That ability was how you increased the base Slashing, Piercing, or Bludgeoning Damage of a weapon.  In my journeys, I had examined a host of melee weapons and picked up several different plans for various necessary upgrades.

The two current smithing upgrades on my blade were bonuses to Slashing Damage, the sword's primary Damage, and Durability.  That mod had been put on at an Expert level, making it more effective than it otherwise would have been.  Given that HankAlvin had done both upgrades, I wondered if he had a perk for increasing Durability.

Furthermore, if you modified a weapon with compatible upgrades, the blade would gain a title.  That’s how this weapon had initially been called a Soldier’s Longsword.  “Soldier’s weapon” was applied to all weapons that had both an enhanced Damage factor as well as increased Durability.

Of course, after that, it had been renamed again.  That was a different story.

Adding upgrades to a blade wasn’t tricky.  However, the more you added, the more likely you would ruin the weapon.  Also, certain upgrades were incompatible with swords, such as my bludgeoning upgrade.  Additionally, some weapons could only handle a few modifications.  If you got overly ambitious, you could quickly screw up your handiwork.

I brought up the interface and checked to see if I could add Quick and Powerful mods to the blade.  Adding in one mod was fairly manageable, but it also didn’t help me much.  If I wanted to turn my sword into an all-out murder stick, I’d need both.

●   1% Minimal Success: Both mods will be applied, but one mod (at random) will only be 50% effective. 

●   15% Minor Failure:  Only one mod will be applied and will only by 50% effective.

●   16% Failure:  No mods will be applied.  No further mods can be applied to the weapon.

●   68% Critical Failure:  Grebthar’s Sword will be destroyed.

That wasn’t promising.  I had a crafting perk that increased the effects of all my Crafting checks by one level.  If I rolled a critical failure, I’d just get a failure instead.  However, given that any kind of failure wasn’t an attractive option, that didn’t do me much good.  Furthermore, the only reason my chance of success was that high was that both Smithing and the generic Crafting skill worked together.

If I had just Smithing, I’d be looking at a 100% chance of Critical Failure.

I considered leveling up my Smithing skill, but that would require more metal than I had with me.  I glanced through all my Paths.  None of them had anything that would immediately help me.

“Oh, thank me,” stated Shart all of a sudden.

I looked around, out of reflex, but I could tell the communication was mental.

“I don’t have the orb anymore.  How are you talking to me?” I asked.

“Badgelor,” replied Shart.

That actually made sense. We were all connected mentally.  If Badgelor was near Julia, Shart could piggyback his way through Badgelor’s channel to me.

“Where is Julia?” I asked.  I’d kind of left her on the doorstep.

“At the tailor’s shop getting a new dress made.  She did pretty well for herself fighting with Zorlando,” stated Badgelor.  “They are talking about you.”

“Do I want to know?” I asked.

“Lutal is defending you, probably because of all the hats.  She likes making hats, and you are the best thing that’s ever happened to her business,” stated Badgelor.  “Julia is trying to explain that you aren’t actually the Mayor of Windfall, but she forgets that she’s not in Falcon anymore.”

“Lutal doesn’t care,” I said.

“Not a tiny bit,” replied Badgelor.  “She thinks Julia is as mad as a hatter.  Lutal is aware of what the Falcons think the Mayor is, but she doesn’t personally believe it.  She has explained, repeatedly, that if you went off your rocker, her daddy could easily beat you up.”

I blinked at that.  Lutal was a nearly grown woman engaging in a “My daddy could beat up your daddy.” duel with a princess.  I had a very strange life.

“They are letting you listen in?” I asked.  “Wait, belly rubs?”

“Belly rubs,” stated Badgelor.  “They cannot resist the power of my soft, furry belly.”

“Well, stick with Julia for the moment.  I need to talk to you guys,” I said.

“Oh, nimrod has a problem that his feeble mind can’t solve!  Isn’t that a totally unexpected turn of events,” stated Shart.  “Bring it, Dum Dum.  Talk to the master.”

I sighed and explained my problem with adding two more mods to my sword.  At the end, Shart helpfully guffawed.

“Filling up the last mod slot on a blade is tricky for a competent Smith.  Unfortunately, you are just a Journeyman,” chuckled Shart.  “I think you are screwed, my friend.”

“You took Material Substitution at Journeyman, didn’t you?” asked Badgelor.  He had limited access to my sheet through the companion menu.  “Is there any electrum with your metals?”

“Shit,” said Shart, “I mean, that’s cheating.”

“Did Badgelor outthink the all-powerful demon?” I questioned, finding two ingots of electrum.  I brought up the Smithing menu and examined them.  Overall, electrum reduced the weapon's Durability.  However, it added a minor electrical property that somewhat compensated for it.  The other property it added was an additional modification point.

“I wasn’t thinking outside the sheet,” grumbled the demon.  “The material a weapon is made from affects its properties, which don’t tie up anything on the weapon.  Weapons with gold properties have additional modification points to play with.”

“I thought you said electrum wasn’t an alloy of gold,” I replied.

“It isn’t,” groaned the demon.  “Gold properties increase the value of a weapon.  Electrum, orichalcum, and several other metals aren’t made with gold, but they do increase the value of the weapons.  That means they can be sold for more gold.”

“Fine, but it reduces the Durability by 40%,” I said.  The extra Lightning Damage wasn’t worth that much of a trade-off.

“That’s the base effect.  Depending on your success level, that might reduce,” stated Badgelor, “But who cares?  After you add in the mods, fix it with high steel, and cut out the electrum.”

That was a brilliant little cheat.  I couldn’t add both, because the difficulty of adding a mod to the last slot was significantly greater than usual.  Increasing the slot count would bypass that.  Afterward, all I was looking at was a repair check to restore the weapon to four slots.

I began by using my Smithing skill to break down the weapon.  Each strike reduced the weapon’s Durability by 10%.  I brought the Durability down to 60% and attempted the repair with the electrum.

●   1% Masterful Success: Your repair with electrum will reduce the weapon’s base Durability by 10%, increase base Electrical Damage to 1-6, adds 2 mod slots

●   33% Critical Success: Your repair with electrum will reduce the weapon’s base Durability by 20%, increase base Electrical Damage to 1-4, adds 1 mod slot

●   33% Great Success: Your repair with electrum will reduce the weapon’s base Durability by 30%, increase base Electrical Damage to 1-3, adds 1 mod slot

●   32% Success:  Your repair with electrum will reduce the weapon’s base Durability by 40%, increase base Electrical Damage to 1-2, add 1 mod slot

I brought the hammer down and got a Great Success, which instantly upgraded to a Critical Success.  I watched as my sword’s max Durability dropped from 280 to 224, and I groaned.  I did get to add an extra 1-4 Damage, but I wasn’t sure it was worth it.  I was out of electrum, so it didn’t really matter.

“Check the chance to install the mods,” ordered Badgelor.  I was impressed.  Now that I wasn’t using the last slot, I didn’t have the massive final slot penalty.  

●   1% Great Success:  Both mods will be applied, but one mod (at random) will be 50% more effective.

●   16% Success: Both mods will apply at full efficacy.

●   67% Minimal Success: Both mods will apply, but one mod (at random) will only be 50% effective.

●   15% Minor Failure: Only one mod will apply and will only be 50% effective.

I spent the next fifteen minutes hammering on the weapon, pounding the necessary elements into it.  Then, I checked the results.  I had scored a Minimal Success, which my Crafting perk upgraded to a Success.

With both mods installed, I had a new and improved sword.  I grabbed my smithing hammer.

“What else can I do?”

Chapter 44 - Dark Luck

Maggie carefully checked her traps again.  The problem with a barrier was that the thrice-damned abomination could tell if you were using a conventional trap.  You had to be creative.  Maggie had not only the Dark Luck perk but also the rest of the perks on that chain.  They were useful in instances that required a 47ing of someone.

To 47 someone, you had to use environmental hazards to kill them.  No one would realize that you had assassinated the victim.  It was an ancient term, going back all the way to Grebthar’s day.  The problem with actually trying to 47 someone was that they had to go where they said they would go.  It was the only way your traps could find them.  The Mayor had stopped doing his job and gone to hide in his workshop.

“Could he have figured it out?” asked EstherSasha patronizingly.

Maggie thought for a moment and realized he must have.  He was the Mayor, after all. His intellect was beyond reproach.

He’d almost had her earlier.  She had seen through his blatant attempt to draw her out.  She had not realized that the badger was close at hand until it was almost too late.  She had barely managed to avoid him.  She couldn’t fight the Mayor and Badgelor at the same time. That would be suicide. 

No, she had to come up with a more clever plan.  She had other pawns.  If the Mayor was going to hide, that left her free to explore.  There had to be weak points she could exploit, even in the Mayor of Windfall.

The other thing that bothered her was that no one had died yet.  She had set up several very elaborate, luck-based traps.  At least one of them should have killed SOMEONE.  Somehow, the damn Mayor saved everyone, every single time.  Maggie’s murder boner was now fully engorged.  The fact that she hadn’t been able to do a thing with it was slowly driving her insane.

She heard a pair of voices cut through the alley near the manor.  Every fiber of Maggie’s being screamed to kill them both, but the barrier was a very real consideration.  The barrier would alert the Mayor to their deaths, and he would be on her in seconds.  Still, she considered it for a long moment.  Maggie hadn’t even seen someone die in days.

She had plans for that, too.  In the meantime, she had found an old book about Grebthar that jogged her memory.  O’Really was obviously looking for something.  The book reminded Maggie that at least one of Grebthar’s treasures must be located around Windfall.  If she could bring it to the boss, she could probably weasel out an order to burn down Fillydelphia.

That was all dependent on either killing the Mayor or finding a Treasure of Rule. Unfortunately, Maggie didn’t have any good ideas regarding how to do either.  That was just a short-term setback, though.  Maggie would find a way.  She always did.  It didn’t matter to her if she had to blow up the entire town.  In all honesty, that was a show she would most definitely enjoy.

“I’ll show him what happens when you mess with a damn puma,” Maggie snarled.  For a moment, the dark shadows across her face revealed a wicked grin, before peeling away and vanishing.  EstherSasha chuckled and started walking toward the market.  She needed to purchase more ingredients.  It would be terrible if they accidentally combined into something deadly.               

“Hey, why are you hiding over there?” called out a soprano voice.  “Hurry up!  We are going to be late for dinner.”

“Coming,” replied a sweet voice that had no place on Maggie’s lips.

Chapter 45 - New and Improved

“Done,” I proclaimed, holding up my new and improved Ring of Mental Bonds.  I brought a lamp over to examine it more carefully.  I had been working for hours.  The sun had set just before I’d finished.

The first Ring of Mental Bonds I’d found only boosted your range by 50%.  This new one was a work of art.

●     Ring of Mental Bonds: This ring grants a 125% increase to the range of all mental bonds.  Allows you to lock onto a target you recognize and connect to it mentally.

The runes I’d picked up from the Ring of Protection were still mostly lost to me.  I didn’t recognize any of the defensive ones.  Grebthar had inscribed them with an ink I couldn’t create. On the other hand, the runes on the ring for mentally connecting to things were far more impressive than the ones I’d already known.

That, of course, begged the question of why.  Why were such runes on a Ring of Protection?  Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to figure that out yet.            

I’d recently gained access to the rare skill, Arcane Rune Locksmith.  It allowed me to craft runes with more precision than ever before.  When combined with Crafting, I’d managed to not only reproduce my old ring but significantly improve upon it.  My skills and perks were working together, allowing me to reproduce the higher-level rune.  I was supposed to need a particular kind of engraving tool to work the much more delicate runes. Instead, I bit off a fingernail and was able to use that instead.

Now to test it.  As I slipped the ring on my finger, I felt a sharp pain at the base of my skull.  The fine threads of magical essence that made up my bond with Badgelor were violently slamming into my head.  I ignored it and checked on Badgelor.

“HEY,” I mentally spoke to Badgelor.

“Ack,” I heard the badger scream back.  “Why the hell are you screaming?”

“I just fixed my Ring of Mental Bonds,” I whispered.

“Great, that stupid thing,” grumbled Badgelor.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“At the Golden Badger getting pampered,” responded Badgelor.  “I was here with the Dalton girls.  They were talking with Julia.  For some reason, they all seem to really like her.  All the girls left four game hens, a hog, and two pies ago.”

Gee, I wonder why?

“Hansa and Rose are back then?” I asked, mentally calculating the time it took for Badgelor to eat four game hens, a hog, and two pies.  I was estimating 205 minutes.  He did like to slurp up everything, and that took a bit of time.

“Yup, the elf and the captain are still back on the ship,” replied Badgelor.

That was odd. I figured at least Twinkle would come to find me.  I made a note to ask Glorious Robert what was going on.

“You should have been here. The girls were all talking about you,” stated Badgelor. “They were trying to find out what’s up between you and Julia.”

“Really?” I thought back.  “You’d think the girls would be upset with me.”

“None of the girls really knew Jarra that well,” stated Badgelor.

I tended to forget that everyone came from different parts of Ordinal.  The original Windfallians had all come from the same general area, but dozens of other groups were here now.  The initial group knew about my relationship with Jarra, but it didn't really matter to most Windfallians.

That soured my mood.  I turned to look out the window, spotting a black shape hiding in a bush.  An instant later, a shadowy dart blasted toward my head.

●     Dodge Successful: You have dodged a Shadow Dart

The dart slammed into the station I was using, leaving a warped gash in the sturdy wood.  The figure shimmered and vanished.  I grabbed my sword and exploded out the window.

“Jim, I’ve got a hit on her.  Something’s wrong,” screamed Shart.

“Who is at the Golden Badger?” I asked, landing hard on my neighbor’s roof.

“I don’t know.  I ran out when I sensed you were in danger,” yelled Badgelor.

I had to Dodge another spread of daggers.  Then, I saw the shadow again.  If I hadn’t already seen the Dark Overlord, it would have been creepy.  Instead, the shadow just came off as odd-looking.  It darted across the rooftop, moving with an inhuman speed.

Fortunately, I could move with an inhuman speed too.

●     Sprint Skill Activated.

I activated Flash Steps, moving closer.  Then, I tore after the shadow.  My Trap Finding abruptly started, and I just barely managed to leap over several magical traps.  The instant I cleared them, the traps evaporated into smoke.

Fake traps?

“Shit, I should have gotten readings on those,” grumbled Shart.

I landed in a roll, moving toward the shadow.  We ran from rooftop to rooftop, looking like a chase scene right out of a major motion picture starring Will Smith or Daniel Craig.  At least, I thought we must have.

“What about the range limit?  Badgelor isn’t near Julia,” I yelled, Dodging another dagger.  I would have loved to respond violently.  Unfortunately, I had nothing effective to respond with at my current running range, despite my recent upgrades.  So, I chased after the shadow, searching for traps and Dodging daggers.  Despite the many detours I had to take, I was getting closer.

“It's your ring!  Your mental voice is so loud now that I can track it through the orb,” stated Shart.

“Great!  Now, how is Maggie attacking me in the barrier?” I asked.  I couldn’t bring up the barrier interface, but I was pretty sure I hadn’t removed the Assassin murder from the filters.

“Checking,” stated Shart.  “Oh, that’s clever.  You don’t have the filters set to block indirect magical manifestations.  She’s not attacking you.  She summoned a magical avatar that has decided to attack you all on its own.”

As I leapt at the shadow, a spray of daggers flew straight toward me.  I used Airborne Control to shift right, but the blades changed direction mid-flight and continued toward me.  I drew my sword, swatting several of them out of the air.

●     Damage:  15, you have been struck by 1 Shadow Dagger:  Burrowing, Heart Seeking.  Mitigate cancels Burrowing and Heart Seeking, you take 9 Damage.  You have spent 39 Stamina.

I grunted, as the Shadow Dagger burrowed into my flesh.  I had the Hit Points to withstand it, but I still ended up using the Bless spell on myself.  That caused the Shadow effect to fade rapidly.  I slammed onto the next rooftop in an explosion of tiles, bringing my sword around to carve through the shadow.  It dodged backward, as my blade cut shallowly through its arm in a spray of blood.

A spray of blood?

“How the hell is a manifestation bleeding?” I yelled.

<You have been found in violation of the Windfall Criminal Code.  You have attacked an innocent civilian.  Prepare for punishment!>

I felt the supernatural force of the barrier wrap around me.  I used my Counterspell skill to push it back.  Even with all my practice, I was barely able to do anything.  The passive barrier was a challenge to affect; the active barrier was impossible.

Green fire exploded from every pore of my body, as the barrier enacted its vengeance upon me.  I screamed, rolling down the rooftop.  I twisted and burned through the air, finally smashing into the ground.

I tried to use the town barrier interface to deactivate it, but, due to my recent criminal activity, the barrier had locked me out.  I cast Heal Damage and used Mitigate, but every part of my being was on fire.             

My health was cratering, and I was miles from the edge of the effect.

“Get underground,” yelled Shart.  I looked around.  I squinted through the fire and spotted a house I had visited on Badger’s Night.  The house had access to the underside of Windfall.  The underside of Windfall was below the barrier.

I hit the door with my shoulder.  It exploded inward, and I ran toward the kitchen.  A shocked young woman spotted me.  I ignored her and ran past, engulfed in flames.  I quickly found the entrance to the area below the barrier.

The passage below glowed bright purple.

“Maggie trapped the entrance to the cellar!” I exclaimed.  She had timed her attacks perfectly.  I expected all the nearby houses to have traps in their underground entrances.  I could find all the traps I wanted in Windfall proper.  Underneath Windfall, I couldn’t see anything without a direct visual inspection.  That was a task made more difficult, considering my eyes were on fire.

●     Counterspell has increased in rank to Expert.  You can now extend an anti-magical field around yourself!  Select a new perk!

As I pushed out with my Counterspell skill, the burning lessened.  It was a miniscule amount, but it was something.  I went from sitting in the middle of a skillet, burning to death, to sitting on the edge of a skillet, casually burning to death.  By the time I’d managed to gain that bit of relief, it was far too late to matter.  Best case, I was about thirty seconds from my death.             

“Jim, your perks!” yelled Shart.  “Choose the one that uses your Force Points!”  With nothing left to lose, I dove into the perk menu and found the power in question.

●     Forceful Counterspell: You may expend a Force Point to greatly enhance the power of your Counterspell skill.

I had three of my four Force Points and nothing to lose.  I activated the skill and blasted it into the field effect that surrounded me.  The barrier, the impossibly powerful, magical structure, absorbed the hit.  However, for the barest of moments, the green flames died down.  In that time, I recovered a small amount of Health.

It didn’t last.  The flames started all over again, seemingly fresher and hotter than before.  The barrier somehow knew I was attacking it, and it was reacting accordingly.

“Not the field!  Attack the barrier!” screamed Shart.

The barrier was the field, wasn’t it?  I spent my last few points of Mana activating Heightened Senses.  I looked around desperately.  With my disruption to the barrier, I could see ripples flowing throughout the magical field.  They all seemed to ripple out from one point, just above my house.

I focused my will there and spent a second Force Point, blasting my Counterspell skill into the center of the barrier.  The entire barrier rippled.  Parts of it were failing, as the very foundation of the barrier took the blow.  Finally, the flames died out.  I stood in the middle of some strange woman’s kitchen, trying to come to my senses.  The woman was frantically trying to put out the fire that had followed me.

“That’s enough,” yelled Shart.  I brought up the town menu.  With the barrier no longer actively damaging me, I could get back into the town’s controls.  I had just enough time to activate the Orderly Shutdown before the cooldown on the barrier reset.

Selecting it, I slumped to the ground.  I could reset the barrier and get everything up and running correctly later.  I glanced down at my charred hand and groaned.  Even with Regeneration on full, it was going to take minutes for my flesh to restore.

“You’re whining,” said Shart.

He was right.  Before my Clerical days, healing that potent would have been amazing.  I grunted, standing up.  The feeling of various bits and pieces of my flesh cracking was absolutely disgusting.  Healing up to full would only take about twenty minutes, though.  I could manage that.

I flipped the various mental switches on the town page, setting the barrier to restore without cooking me.  Then, I flipped it back on.

●     Barrier failure: The barrier is unable to reinitialize.  Core matrix has overloaded.

WHAT?  I blinked.  My Ignore Injury perk allowed my charred eyes to see the sky open up.  Rain began to fall on our barrierless town.            

Chapter 46 - In the Rain

“He broke the barrier,” whispered Maggie, as rain poured down on her.  She spent a few more moments directing her Shadow to bring back the girl.  Then, she crawled into a window.

For an instant, Maggie considered dismissing the Shadow and letting the girl fall from the rooftop.  That wasn’t violent, though.  What fun was there in that?

The barrier was gone.  That meant that she could finally kill someone in peace.  It had been days since she’d killed anyone.  Maggie was very eager to end her dry spell.

After all, the only thing she liked doing more than vanilla murder was torturing her victims first.  However, Windfall was a small city, and Maggie tended to be quite loud when she enjoyed herself.  Good torture was like good sex; you couldn’t do it quietly.

Without the barrier, Maggie’s innate skills and perks would allow her to go on an epic killing spree.  First, she had to clear out the house she was in.  They had nearly broken her.  Small animals were sleeping everywhere, and the constant cheery singing was atrocious.  At least for this one glorious moment, it was silent.  If she had to listen to another song, Maggie would have gone insane.

As the Shadow deposited its host back onto her own bed, Maggie carefully examined the young, plain, blond woman.  Her nightgown was a simple shirt with a large Cheshire cat stitched into the middle.

“What to do, what to do?” considered Maggie, pulling out one of her daggers.  After first ensuring that it was clear of poison, she traced it across the girl’s cheek.  Of course, she could simply kill her, but the girl was asleep.  There was no way Maggie was willing to forgo both the loud screams of torture from her victims and the orgasmic bliss of watching their frantic eyes as the life drained from them.    

Maggie could already feel the anticipation building.  With the rain falling so loudly, she doubted that anyone outside would be able to hear stifled screams.  Inside the house, the girl’s sisters were in the next room.  They would hear everything.  Maggie would have to act fast.  There would be no savoring the moment for this first kill.

Deciding that, Maggie had one more decision to make.  Whose shape should she copy?  Rampant murder would certainly blow her cover, but disposing of the double would be possible.  Maggie was thankful for that.

Deep cover without preparation meant that she needed to keep the girl she was copying alive.  It was the only way Maggie could use her Shared Knowledge perk.  That perk allowed her to read the original’s mind, which made infiltration much easier.  It wasn’t perfect, though.  You had to focus on their knowledge to recall it.  Separating your memories from the target’s was challenging.  Maggie was thankful that she had taken the follow-up perk.  It allowed her to share skills, as well.

Blending in here without being able to sing would have been impossible.

The dagger's tip caused a few spots of blood to emerge.  Maggie inhaled, ready to end it, but the girl continued to sleep.  The anticipation made it so much better.  Maggie made a decision.  She’d kill them all in this shape.  Then, she would bring her host back and slowly torture her to death.

The only worry was the house guest, but, with all the obnoxious singing and dancing, she hadn’t gotten to bed until extremely late.  That poor, silly, tired girl.  The thought of adding another member of Falconian nobility to her kill list caused another slight quiver in Maggie’s belly.

All she had to do was wait.

Chapter 47 - Secret Lair

I had been channeling Regenerate for the better part of a minute.  Quite suddenly, Shart attempted to contact me again.

“Well, in this orb, I have limited access to everything,” the demon began, “But it looks like the matrix is an energy source.  It ignites Mana and converts it into whatever the barrier uses for power.”

“And we fix it by?” I questioned.

“Dancing in our underwear?  I don’t know!” griped Shart.  “It's an engineering problem, and I’m a magical creature.”

“Not helping,” I replied, checking to make sure the woman’s house was properly extinguished.  Then, I made my way back home.

“The feck?  Why is it raining again?” questioned Badgelor, stomping out my front door.

“Dum Dum broke the barrier,” stated Shart.

“Gods, again,” replied Badgelor.  “Why do all you humans keep breaking the damn barrier?”

For a very long moment, I hovered on a pit of despair.  Finally, Badgelor’s words sank in.  “Wait, what do you mean?  ‘Again’?”

“That stupid thing is always breaking.  Frankly, I’m surprised it held up this long,” stated Badgelor.  The semi-loyal creature plodded through the rain and scrambled up my shoulder.  “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“I expect you want to turn it back on,” the badger replied.

I nodded, and Badgelor kicked his back paws into my back, claws first.  Stumbling forward, I turned my head to glare at him.  Then, I realized what he was doing.  “Okay, that is a bit demeaning.”

“Damn straight,” replied Badgelor.  “To the cellar, giddy up!”

We walked through the house, tracking in mud that would cause Ashe to kill me later.  At least I tried to avoid the good carpets.  We quickly got to the kitchen and headed down the stairs.

The wave of cold air that hit me was enough to freeze some of the moisture still attached to my skin.  I cast Endure Elements, but even that wasn’t enough.  I began to take Freezing Damage.

“What the hell?” I asked, exhaling a cloud of condensation.  “It wasn’t this cold the last time I was down here.  I think those deer carcasses are frozen solid.”

“You broke the barrier,” stated Badgelor, as if that told me everything I needed to know.  He hopped from my shoulder and scurried toward the damaged section of wall.  Then, he disappeared through a badger-sized hole.

“Shart, what does he mean?” I asked.

“Well,” started Shart, “I’m not sure.  Cold can affect residual Mana discharge, but I don’t know how that applies here.”

“The fact that Badgelor once again knows something you don’t has been noted.  How exactly is a barrier generated?” I asked.

“Perhaps you should ask Badgelor, since you feel he is more omniscient than me,” the demon replied.

“Do you not know?” I goaded.  “I bet that’s it.  You don’t have an answer to that, either, but you don’t want to tell me you don’t know.  You’re right, of course.  I’ll ask Badgelor when he gets back.”

“I shouldn’t be bullied with that, yet here I am.  How the mighty <Kevin> has fallen,” the demon huffed.  “It’s simple, really.  There is a Progenitor relic stored somewhere, tapped into a Mana Source.  It converts Mana into usable energy, which powers the barrier.”

“So, the question is, ‘Was Charles the kind of asshole who’d leave a critically important town artifact in his own house?’,” I responded.

“We both know the answer to that,” replied Shart.

“Is there any exhaust?” I asked and sensed puzzlement from Shart.  “I mean, when the Mana converts, are there any strange effects?”

“It depends on the Mana,” replied Shart.  “For example, Water Mana would cause an increase in the viscosity of everything nearby.”

I didn’t feel sloshy, so I looked around.  “Could anything cause it to be this cold?”

“A Shadow Source,” answered Shart, pausing, “Feck me.”  The dungeon in the castle was sitting on a Shadow Source.  My Mystical Lore fed me the knowledge that connecting the barrier to a source that close would be entirely possible.

Just then, the pile of debris I had ignored earlier collapsed.  Badgelor was exposed, as was a doorway leading through the foundation to below my backyard.  The door led to a half-flight of stone steps.

Three steps down, my foot landed on a metal step.  I could see in low light but not well.  I held up my hand and cast Light, filling the room with an unearthly bluish color.  We were in a bunker of sorts.  Shelves full of empty glass containers lined the walls, and a large contraption sat in the corner.  A yellow light blinked on top of the device.

“We’ve been sitting on this the whole time,” I said flatly.

“Yep,” replied Badgelor.  “I didn’t see the need to show you this place until now.”

I was about to ask what the place even was.  Then, I picked up an entire jar of Jarra’s erectile dysfunction cream.  I could see his small stash, though the badger had tried to hide them with care.  Sniffing loudly, I realized what the place was.  I was standing in Badgelor’s secret lair.

“You’ve been coming down here all this time?” I asked, looking around.  The back wall cracked just far enough for a badger to walk through.  I brought up my map and pointed to the crack.  “Does this crack lead to the mine?”

Badgelor nodded.  “If you are aggressive enough to get there from here.”

“You were living here before we met?  What, were you just waiting for me to appear?” I asked.

“No, I was waiting for Charles to reappear.  When he did, I was going to eat him,” stated Badgelor confidently.  “After 800 years, I got impatient.  When you claimed the town, I decided to watch you.  When I realized you were a Beastmaster, well, I had an idea.”

I exhaled.  My breath was still condensed, though not as much as before.  “It’s a bit warmer now.”

“Usually, it's kind of toasty in here,” replied Badgelor.  He walked to the back and stepped through another doorway.

“Isn’t that the barrier?” I asked, pointing to the gadget in the corner.

“I have no idea what that is,” stated Badgelor, as he continued walking.  “If you turn it on, it gets warm enough to sleep on.  However, it doesn’t seem to do anything more useful than that.”

“Shart, you got anything to add?” I asked.

“We’re talking about a top-tier Progenitor artifact.  Beakatrix might know what it does,” he said.  He must have sensed skepticism through the link, because he continued, “I’m not connected to the <system>!  I can’t look up details on objects whenever I want.”

“I meant about the whole hidden bunker under the backyard,” I growled.

“Well, it's under the town, so it doesn’t appear on the town map,” stated Shart.  “It’s sort of like that hidden cache you found under the Blacksmith’s shop.”

We stepped into the next room, and I whistled.  That was about all I could do.  The room was similarly metal, with odd bars placed everywhere on the floor.  The whole thing was a major tripping hazard.  That was of little consequence, though.  In the middle of the room sat a large object.  It was about the size of an oil drum, with a massive, dimly glowing crystal on top.  Thick cables, seemingly full of liquid shadows, ran through the floor. 

I activated Heightened Senses for the power’s Mana Sight and looked around.  Typically, Mana was just about everywhere on Ordinal.  Wherever you looked, you could always see slight amounts of it.  There was a large concentration of Mana on the far wall, but not nearly as much as the ground.  In this room, the floor was rife with Mana; however, as it hit the center of the room, the magic just stopped.  The contraption in the middle seemed to drink up all the Mana.

“What needs to be done?” I asked.  Badgelor pointed to what appeared to be a large cable.

“Charles always said you needed to unplug it and plug it back in,” stated Badgelor.

“An incomprehensibly powerful, magical artifact basically works the same as a computer?  That’s great,” I grumbled, grabbing the cord.  Of course, it didn’t just pull out.  At a glance, the connector revealed that it needed to be turned 90 degrees clockwise.  It was a ‘righty loosey' situation that hopefully wasn’t repeated on all Progenitor connections.

As I pulled the cable out, I started counting the full fifteen in my head. That was the general timeframe for when you really needed to power something down.  The cord was a hybrid between an electrical cable and a hose.

“What are these prongs made of?” I asked Shart.

“Orichalcum, it’s a high-level gold metal,” stated the little demon.  “Very rare and hard to make.”  That was well over my Smithing skill, so I nodded and reinserted the cable.  Turning it left caused it to click loudly.

The sound that followed was almost like water flowing through a pipe.  It stopped as soon as it started, and nothing else happened.  I glanced up at the device and found a small screen.  Alien words flowed across it in an incomprehensible language.

“That usually worked,” stated Badgelor.

“I could try it again,” I offered, looking down at the cable and then back at the screen.  I tapped my finger on it.  Nothing happened.  I started looking for a keyboard but paused.

Activating my Engineering skill, I examined the device again.  This time, I got several indicators floating over the device, showing Mana pressure and compression rates.  More importantly, I got a floating keyboard.  Even better, when I touched the keyboard, it had just the slightest amount of tactile feedback.

“That’s kind of cool,” I said.

“We have the Engineering skill, don't we?” stated Badgelor, as he activated the skill and looked around.  Growling, the badger stated, “I never saw any of this before.”

“The Engineer skills were almost unheard of back in Grebthar’s day,” explained Shart.

“I know Charles looked for someone to teach him that skill, but we couldn’t ever find a Progenitor for the lessons.  He eventually gave up,” stated Badgelor.

I understood Engineering to be a recently redeveloped skill.  The fact that Charles had been unable to discover it was interesting.  I presumed he knew what Engineering was from Earth, but he must have lacked whatever class was required to earn the ability.  With my Unbound trait, all I’d had to do was look at an impossible bridge and wonder how it worked.  That’s what triggered the skill for me the first time.

Looking at the machine, I could tell that the issue involved how the Mana flowed into the unit.  It poured in slowly, before vanishing.  I clicked the keyboard.  A screen appeared, again only visible because I had the Engineering skill.

“That’s handy,” I said, flipping through the screens.  Finally, I found what I wanted.  “It looks like the Manaconvertinator isn’t convertinating Mana.”

I hated this place sometimes.

“Really, that’s what they call it,” said Shart, rummaging through my mind with the strength of my ring.  “Well, shit, I guess Hansa isn’t crazy.”

“I always figured she was just making those weird names up,” I grumbled.

“Does it say why it's not working?” asked Badgelor.

“I’m guessing that’s what all those characters are for, but I can’t read them,” I responded, gesturing toward the invisible screen.  “Shart, do you have any ideas?”

“Your Engineering isn’t high enough,” stated Shart.  “So, you only see it in 2d.  As a 3d image, that shape would be a Cultivation form.”

“Cultivation?” I asked.

“Yee, gods, this thing uses Cultivation?” groaned Badgelor.

“I’m afraid so,” replied Shart.  “It looks like there was a Cultivation matrix here that convertinateded Mana into a form of energy the barrier could use.”

“Can’t it just use Mana directly?” I asked.

“No, direct manipulation of Mana is magic.  Engineering items cannot use magic,” stated Shart.  “It converts the Mana into something else that the structure can use.  It's horribly inefficient, but a Source powers it.  It doesn’t need to be very efficient to work.”

I touched the crystal that had, at one point, held the Cultivation matrix.  Using Mana Control, I forced some Mana into it.  The crystal absorbed the Mana like a sponge, but it didn’t seem to do anything else.

“Feeding it Mana isn’t going to help,” said Shart.  “We need to infuse it with refined Mana.”

“Like Shadow Mana?” I asked.  Refined Mana was Mana fed through a Mana Core and turned into an aspected Mana, like Shadow Mana.  I understood things.

“Probably not directly,” replied Shart absently.  “We have Shadow Mana.  We would still need something to direct that Shadow Mana into the Cultivation process.”

I ran through the higher Mana forms and considered my options.  Holy opposed Shadow, so that was right out.  I couldn’t manipulate Plasma, but that didn’t seem to be a suitable type anyway.  Then, I figured it out.  “It was Void Mana!  That was Grebthar’s specialty.”

“That’s probably right,” said Badgelor, “but, Charles had multiple specializations.”

“Good to know.  I can’t do Void Magic,” I said.

“I can,” replied Badgelor.

I looked at him blankly.  Then, I remembered his glowing purple eyes whenever he used Destructive Gaze.  That talent punched perfect holes through things.  “So, do we fire laser vision into the crystal?”

Badgelor groaned, “You can’t be this freaking stupid all the time.”

“Seriously, Dum Dum, leave the thinking to the badger.  He’s better at it,” stated Shart.

“Fine, how do we get the Cultivated Void Mana into the crystal?” I asked.

“Could you do an infusion?” replied Badgelor.

“I don’t-” I started to reply.

“He’s talking to me, Dum Dum,” stated Shart.  “No, nitwit’s form can’t handle it.  Even as a Tier 2 Super Human, he doesn’t have nearly enough Mana Control to handle any of my essence.”

“I was talking about me,” replied Badgelor.  “I’m a Tier 3 Ultimate Badger.”

Shart inhaled.  “A Tier 3 form?  How the hell did you manage that?”

“I gained access to Jim’s Unbound trait.  An evolved body is one of the choices,” stated Badgelor.  “Unlike Jim, I wasn’t stupid.  I went straight for the powerful shite.” 

“Shit, it would be,” stated Shart.  “Well, you should be able to handle it.  Hey, Dum Dum, I don’t see us having many choices.  I’m going to Cultivate the Mana and pass it through the connection I have with Badgelor.  After that, he’s going to Cultivate it further and give it to you.  When he does, you will be able to use the Demonic Badger Mana to power up the barrier.”

“It's hardly Mana once you’re done with it,” grumbled Badgelor.

“Fine!  Demonic Badger Energy,” grumbled Shart.

“Wait, if you are giving it to Badgelor, wouldn’t it be Badger Infused Demonic Energy?” I asked.

“Infusing something is an action, Dum Dum,” grumbled Shart.  “Oh, and I don’t care.  Just let me give him the power, so we can finish this.”

Badgelor expanded to his Ultimate Form, and I felt a frightening amount of power slam into him.  Badgelor’s body transformed into some half-demon, half-badger monstrosity.  The massive demon badger grunted, as his body tried to process the enormous amount of power.  For a few moments, I was sure Badgelor was going to explode.  Finally, he opened his glowing purple eyes.

“Get ready,” yelled Badgelor.

I felt the Badger Demonic Energy flow into me.   I swelled up into Badger Rage 2 form, growing larger and more powerful.  It was almost like going Super Saiyan or something.  My body seemed to tense and grow.  The veins on the side of my neck began to throb. “So much power!”

“Quick, your skull can’t contain that much energy for long,” yelled Shart.

“I think I can hold it!” I yelled back.

“No, it’s overpowering you!  If you don’t use it soon, you are going to be overwhelmed,” called out Badgelor.

“I’m fine,” I growled, energy racing through my skull.

“Your head is going to explode,” yelled Shart.  I opened my eyes and realized that my head was actually glowing brighter than a 100-watt bulb.

Grumbling, I grabbed the crystal.  Despite how close I was, I couldn’t release the power.  “It's stuck?”

“Shit, his pathways aren’t developed enough to pass that much power,” yelled Shart.

“What the hell?” I screamed.

“Our bond is attached to the top of your Mana network.  The Mana tap connects through the top of your spine.  None of the pathways from your spine are wide enough to directly pass that much energy,” said Shart.             

“Throw it into a Magical core,” yelled Badgelor.  I knew that was the correct answer. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a big enough road between my spine and my hands, where I could actually expel the power.  However, I did have a connection that large between my spine and my Mana Cores.  The cores had the necessary connections to discharge the energy. 

I sensed the wealth of energy, a power so great that it threatened to overwhelm me.  I tried to perceive its nature.  If I put it in the wrong core, I was a goner.  I needed to shove it someplace in my network that could handle the strain.  Focusing, I could sense the enormous heat radiating from it.  I needed to use my Fire Core.

Focusing on Mana Control, I looked at my atrophied Mana network. Then, I started pushing the Badger Demon Energy down my spine.  It was the only channel I had capable of handling that much raw power.

My Biological Aeromancy Core was in my intestines, but I pushed straight past it. I knew it was the wrong core.  Even its proximity to the power caused the core to swell dangerously.  Continuing to delve deeper, I pushed the energy through the base of my spine.  I couldn’t quite place the powerful stirring I felt.  Finally, I pushed the power all the way down, forcing it to pool in my Fire Core.  Instantly, I felt the pressure start to wane.  I’d managed to get it located somewhere capable of storing that amount of power.  The power settled there, and I could feel my core begin to process it.

“I have the BDE!” I yelled, as I held my magical sword aloft.  Then, I swaggered over to the matrix.

“The BDE is so powerful,” muttered Shart.  “You need to channel it into the crystal!”

Grabbing the matrix with both hands, I focused my will.  The BDE began to flow from me, into the matrix.  Despite its ability to absorb unimaginable amounts of Mana, the BDE was too much for it.  The Matrix began to glow.

“I have to push to get the rest of the power in there,” I yelled.

“Keep thrusting,” ordered Shart.

“We might be damaging it,” I screamed back.

“Keep going.  Once you go badger, you never go back,” added Badgelor.

“You have too much BDE for it,” said Shart.  To my horror, he was correct.  Cracks were beginning to form on the ancient crystal.  I immediately stopped the flow and waited.  The cracks didn’t go away, but they also didn’t get any larger.  After a long moment, I pushed the crystal matrix back into the machine and clicked the activation button.

“I need a cigarette,” I groaned, as the machine rebooted.  The flow of Shadow Mana resumed, causing the barrier to reform.  I was hollowed out. This must be how my wife always felt.

Suddenly, I felt a jarring pain.  I lurched forward, tumbling to my knees. 

●     Mana network detected.  Magical Cores:  Fire and Biological Aeromancy detected.  Class: Mage Knight, unlocked.

●     Max Level Increased!  Your absorption of frankly insane amounts of power have expanded your Max Level to 69.9

That was too much.  I fell face-first onto the ground and passed out. 

Chapter 48 - Quiet Night, Unholy Night

After the fiasco on the front porch, Julia had sought other accommodations within the city.  Lutal rather bluntly suggested that Julia stay at the local inn.  “You know, like a normal adventurer.”  While the delivery had been just shy of obstinate, the idea of staying at an inn had been both novel and entertaining.

Then, Julia had encountered Hansa and Rose, which was, of course, quite fun.  They reminisced about the journey on the ship for far too long.  Pretty soon, Julia had attracted a host of well-mannered young ladies from across Windfall, or so she’d thought.  She’d quickly learned that all of them were Hansa’s sisters, though Julia doubted that any of them were blood relations.

Still, that had led to a meal at the Golden Badger.  Conversations had centered on Falcon, adventuring, and what exactly Julia was doing with the Mayor.  Their opinion of Jim was entirely at odds with Julia’s mental picture.  Their Jim was an accomplished, noble adventurer.  Each girl took great pains to ensure Julia that he was nowhere near the level of their father, the illustrious Sir Dalton.

Sir Dalton, of course, was known to the court of Falcon.  He was a highly skilled Knight with a towering reputation.  Just ask him.

When Julia mentioned that she needed to turn in, the daughters had all glanced at each other for a moment.  They’d promptly and mutually agreed to offer her a room at their place.  Julia was of two minds on that.  As the princess-heir, she had never been to a sleepover at someone else's house.  These entertaining and engaging young ladies seemed perfect for the first attempt.

On the other hand, Julia was flatly exhausted.  She had tried to turn down their offer, but the innkeeper informed her there were no vacancies. Of course, that never happened in the stories.  An adventurer could always find room at an inn, or, if not the inn, the stable.  However, Julia hated being close to most animals.  Instead of trying to bargain, she’d taken up the sisters’ offer for a sleepover.

In Julia’s efforts to avoid sleeping at the mayor's house, she had made a critical error.  She had skipped right past Jersey and into Newark.  Then, she’d gotten a room.

First, there was the singing.  The singing was followed by the dancing.  Then, they were back to more singing.  Plus, every small woodland creature in the world seemed to have a spot to sleep inside the house.  It was a fecking zoo.  A proper princess wanted nothing to do with small woodland creatures.  They even had a little dog named Jim that kept trying to sleep at the foot of her bed.  

One Jim was enough. 

If Julia hadn’t been given Margwal’s perfectly made bed, she would have refused.  That had occurred before the post-dinner songs, the pre-bath songs, and the post-bath songs.  Then, there had been singing when they’d all gone to bed.  Next, came the singing of the lullabies. How these girls didn’t all constantly have sore throats was beyond the princess.  It was well after midnight when Julia had finally gotten into bed, ready to pass out.  Then, the rain had started again.  She would have mocked Jim, but that would have required getting up.  That was simply out of the question.  She was so tired she just wanted to die.

About fifteen minutes later, she’d woken up to a blood-curdling scream.  It was a scream of terror, loud enough to wake the dead.

Wiping her right eye, Julia hastily threw on her armor.  If the screamer wasn’t in danger now, she would be shortly.

Julia shoved her way into Lutal’s room, where the girl was consoling one of her sisters.  The sister was a sobbing wreck.

“What happened?” asked Julia, using her Voice of Command to overpower the gaggle of girls.

Lutal glanced up.  “My sister is just having night terrors.  I woke up to her screaming, and I’m trying to comfort her.”

Julia blinked a few times.  All the girls were in the same room.  They were milling over everything.  Julia couldn’t even figure out who was who in the near darkness.

“She probably just got scared because the rain started and stopped,” said one.

“I told you the barrier would short out,” said Hansa.  “It’s the same problem they had in Fillydelphia a few years back.”

“Didn’t King HarCharles personally have to quest to the forbidden continent to get it working again?” asked another sister.

Oh, that’s the lie they were peddling.

“Well, we have the Mayor, and he is almost as impressive as Daddy,” said Lutal, eyeing Julia critically.  Then, she continued consoling her sibling.  Yup, she was still mad.

One of the girls started sobbing harder.  Julia couldn’t make out who it was in the darkness.  She prepared to cast Light but realized that would probably attract pigeons in this room.

“That’s unfortunate,” said Julia, as everyone started to calm down.  When they all finally settled, Julia would be able to go back to sleep.

“We are all going to sing a song to cheer her up,” replied. . .several of the girls.

“Maybe we should wake up the animals,” added another.

“Of course, we should.  What should we sing?” added a third.

All hope was lost

“I’m going to check on the Mayor,” said Julia huffily.

***

“I have no idea,” said Badgelor, as I walked over to the large locker on the other side of the room.  Shart was monitoring the barrier, but, by that point, I was confident it would hold.  “Charles found it and moved it here, but he was never able to get it working.”

I pulled open the container and looked inside.  “It’s armor.”

“Yup, it weighs a ton and requires a specific skill to use,” stated Badgelor.  “Charles never learned the skill to be able to get it to work.”

“That’s an impressive suit of powered armor,” I said, bringing up my Engineering skill, “For a bird.”

The armor looked like some sort of hybrid science fiction armor.  It varied between Space Marine, Fallout, and StarCraft marine armor, but the wearer would have to be a bird.  The wings were a dead giveaway.  Plus, even if I had possessed a set of chicken legs when I was younger, there was no way I would have ever fit my legs into those pants.  It looked like it was for an ostrich.  I felt a cold chill run down my spine.   

“With that armor, their victory would have been a resounding one,” I said, a bit in awe.

“Who?” asked Shart.

“There was a great war on my world, a battle so fierce that it is still spoken of almost a century later,” I intoned.  “The land down under fought a battle against their most powerful foe, the emu.  There were no winners, but there were plenty of losers.  If the damn birds had acquired this armor, they would have cleared the continent, possibly the world.”

“Well, birds are more evolved than humans,” stated Shart.

“Seriously?” I replied.

“Yeah, in most settings.  It goes dinosaurs, then birds, then, finally, the various monkey races,” stated Shart.  “Did you not have dinosaurs?”

“A meteor killed them,” I said.

“That makes sense.  If the dinosaurs were still around, there’s no way you would have evolved so quickly,” stated Shart.

I blinked at that.  Shart could lie to me now, but I knew him well enough to know when he was bullshitting me.  At the moment, he wasn’t.  That was an interesting tidbit of universal knowledge.  I supposed if all the dinosaurs had survived, one of them would have eventually evolved into an intelligent species.  That was what Shart, and therefore the <system>, expected.

With Engineering still active, I turned back to the armor.  I was ready for a detailed examination.  The armor was heavily Damaged, with multiple components listed as being entirely broken.  I could fix some bits with my Smithing skill, but most of the problems were engineer-based.  I lacked sufficient skill to resolve those.  I could bypass the need for specialized Engineering tools. However, I could not bypass my total lack of understanding of how to fix it.  I would have to wait for Beakatrix.

“Were all the Progenitors birds?” I asked.

“Yes, Dum Dum, remember the order I just went over?  In most worlds, it’s dinosaurs, then birds, then some form of a monkey,” stated Shart.  “Before you ask, they were just as varied as the humanoid races.”

“So, chicken Progenitors were like elves?” I asked.

“More like orcs.  The cockatars were quite massive,” stated Shart.

“Well, cock-a-doodle-doo to you, too,” I grumped and sighed.  “By the way, on the evolutionary scale, I’m an ape, not a monkey.”

“Who cares?” groaned Shart.  “Both species are known to fling their poo at their enemies.”

“Just shut up,” I growled.  I was very good at throwing.

Shart yelled, “You were going to make a key out of poop, and we both know it!”

Well, that was also true.

With that decided, I started to leave the chamber.  Badgelor scurried up my shoulder, and we walked back into the properly refrigerated cellar.  I picked up a piece of debris and covered the doorway as best I could.  I’d have to come back down to add a proper secret door later.  I absolutely did not want that workshop to get as cold as it had been in the cellar.  Even on Ordinal, cold air went down.

“Don’t do a shutdown on the barrier again,” said Shart.  “At least, not until Beakatrix has a chance to look at it.”

“We kludged it back together that badly?” I questioned.

“It was being held together with spit and wire before.  Now, it's more like snot and prayers,” replied the demon.

“I’ll be careful,” I said, “but it works for now.  That’s what’s important.”

That resolved, I walked upstairs, ditching Badgelor at the fireplace.  When I got to my room, I stripped off my armor and collapsed into bed, only to find someone else in there with me.

“Will no one just let me sleep?” groaned Julia.

“I thought you were at Dalton’s place,” I sighed.

“No, they won’t shut up.  Badgelor gave me door access, so I came back here” replied Julia.

I’d had several complaints about that from the girls’ neighbors.  I didn’t know how Dalton could sleep through all that noise, but then I realized that Dalton could sleep through just about anything.

“How do you want to do this?” I asked, turning my head to face her.

“I’m a princess.  Do you really think a woman of my station would trade sex for a decent night's sleep?” she asked.

“Noooo,” I began, “and I’m not asking.”

“Thank goodness, because I totally would have.  I’m exhausted, and someone volunteered me to perform the big cathedral ceremony tomorrow.  Your bed is soft.  Find another one,” responded Julia, turning over and going right to sleep.

“She is the worst princess ever,” stated Shart.

Chapter 49 - What’s Love Got to Do With It?

“Morning, Mar,” I said, walking out of my office and into the main room.

“You came to work this early?” asked the somewhat confused Administrator.

“I remembered I had a cot in my office,” I said flatly.  Mar looked shocked.  He had launched a campaign to get me to stop using the office as my personal apartment.  By all accounts, he’d been successful.  This reverse was enough to give him pause.

“Hey, dimples, I brought beignets,” said Blots, walking in from the other entrance.  He stopped when he bumped into me.  Blots looked at me for a moment, appearing terrified.

“Thanks,” I said, grabbing a sweet treat.  “I appreciate it, jawline.”

I did not understand Blot’s customs at all.  I hoped that nickname wasn’t offensive.  I also didn’t know why he was calling me dimples.  Mar was the only person in the room with dimples.

Wait a second!

“Mister Mayor, check this out!” yelped Mar, dragging me away.

I found myself in Mar’s office, looking over a large town map.  It was the latest creation of the town cartographer.  The fact that we had a town cartographer was kind of new.  Blots vouched for him, though, so I ran forward into our bright new world.

“Now that the masons are freeing up, we can begin construction on the new Adventurer’s Guild,” stated Mar, gesturing to a point on the map.  “I have selected a few potential site locations in the eastern half of the city.”

I glanced down at the eastern half of Windfall, which was still sparsely populated. The few people that lived there stayed along the main roads.  The southeastern section of town was the magical district, where Windfall’s virtually non-existent magical crafters practiced.  The northeastern area was underpopulated, on account of it mainly being destroyed.

Unsurprisingly, given the open land, Mar had selected two possible locations in the northeastern part of town, with a backup option in the south.  There were pros and cons with each site.  Mainly, it was just a question of preference.  We could modify an existing building in the magical district, but it would ultimately be too small for my plans.  Any of those buildings would also require extensive modifications.

The real deciding factor was the proximity to the various town gates.  The north gate had better access to the woods, so low-level adventurers could get to monster killing faster.  The east gate had better access to the main highway that stretched through the province, meaning adventurers could get further away quicker.

“East gate,” I said, finally.

“Why?” asked Mar, more out of curiosity than anything else.

“It’s closest to the quarries and closest to the castle.  We also don’t have a solid defensive structure on that side of town.  Having a bunch of adventurers there would probably put a stop to just about anything,” I said.

Blots nodded.  “We still need the License, the Quest Log, and someone to run the place.”

“I figured I’d run it myself,” I said.  “I am a Remort.”

Blots and Mar looked at each other for an uncomfortable period.  Finally, Mar replied, “If you think that’s best.  It's going to take time to get the building finished anyway.”

“Is there a problem?” I asked.

“It's just that there is a treaty that prevents too many adventurers from being trained.  Your plan seems to go entirely against that,” stated Mar.  “Some of the townsfolk are afraid there will be problems.”

“What is this treaty?” I asked.  “I mean, I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never been given any concrete information.”

Blots thought that for a moment.  “I’ve checked into it.  About 700 years ago, the northern and southern provinces broke away from Falcon.  Those are presently the Kingdoms of TimSimons and HarCharles.”

“Julia mentioned something about that,” I said.

Mar looked like he was about to ask a question, but Blots plowed ahead.  “Anyway, the provinces had a bunch of higher-level equipment, as well as lots of adventurers.  When they started fighting, a ridiculous amount of damage occurred.  Falcon attempted to pacify both provinces but failed.  In the end, the Falconian queen was unable to project enough power to reclaim the provinces.”

“So, they made a treaty to reduce the number of adventurers?” I asked.

“That happened later.  After a series of Falconian royalty attempts to reclaim the provinces, the casualties were becoming immense.  Finally, there was a conjunction, and the monster populations exploded.  Falcon had depleted its forces so badly that there were monster strikes throughout the Falconian kingdom.  The northern and southern kingdoms fared better, mainly because they were built to resist monster attacks.  However, so many adventurers had perished in the wars that there weren’t enough of them to deal with monster threats like they needed to,” continued Blots.

“Anyway,” said Mar, “by the end of the Wars of Independence, everyone was just about sick of war.  The kingdoms negotiated a treaty with Falcon that said no one nation could have more than 300 adventurers total.”

“So, there are only 900 adventurers on the whole continent?”

“Hardly, the nations cannot have more than 300, but there are always people like you.  People who aren’t beholden to any of the kingdoms.  Not to mention the elves and dwarves, who don’t care about human treaties,” replied Blots.

“But the answer isn’t much higher than that.  Adventurers were never very common, and the kingdoms shut down most of the serious academies that turned adventurers out in significant numbers,” stated Mar.

“You figure with all the monster attacks, people would want more adventurers,” I said.

Mar frowned.  “An organized militia can deal with most monsters.  Dungeons are quarantined, and you can avoid the more heavily monster-infested areas with a map.”

Blots rolled his eyes but said nothing.  There was an odd political dichotomy between Mar and Blots.  Mar was decidedly anti-adventurer.  He believed that people could manage their affairs on their own, without the help of a bunch of wanna-be action heroes.  Meanwhile, Blots felt that adventurers were responsible for protecting the common folk, so they could lead their best lives.

To my old Earth way of thinking, it was very classist to think that person A was inherently better than person B.  On Ordinal, an adventurer was better than a non-adventurer by any and all measurable factors.  There were societal issues there that I didn’t even want to consider, so I didn’t.

Mar and Blots started talking between themselves.  I decided to check my character sheet.

●     Jim, BFF of Sir Dalton

●     Mage Knight 14

●     Cleric 14, Level up, you have an unassigned perk.

●   HP: 1375/1375

●   Mana: 770/770

●   Stamina: 1375/1375

New perks were always fun.  I glanced through my list of new Clerical perks and considered my options.  There was a Shadow Resistance perk in the resist disease tree that looked useful.  That would stack with my Dragon Scales perk to render me mostly immune to Shadow spells.  I was already highly resistant to those, though, and Charles was big into Void Magic. The main thing speaking for it was that it was very deep into the tree.  You needed to be nearly level 60 to take it. 

Glossing over that, I brought up Smite-related perks.  I could see several new Smite perks after my selection of Divine Smite.  Divine Smite was expensive and did a new Damage type.  That left me in a bit of analysis paralysis, while I tried to figure out how I wanted to proceed.

Instead, I spent a moment checking my notifications.  I had another Great General notification, so I opened it.  It was a report from Glorious Robert.  He wished to inform me that they had finished mounting three additional ballistae onto the Nosebleed.  It was written professionally, in a manner indicative of his position as the captain.

●     Hey, wanker, I installed the other three ballista.  Twinkle is begging me to sail him to the LOOK OUT!  It's your boat.  You make the call.

Well, he wasn’t much for military polish, and I didn’t care very much.  Then, I recalled that the elven lands were near the dead dragon.  Sailing by ship was the fastest way to get there.

There was a peal of thunder, and I glanced out the window.  While it was still raining onto the barrier, the amount was far less than before.  It had gone from a typhoon to a gentle spring shower.  It was kind of nice.

“Do we have time for anything else?” I asked.

Blots considered that for a moment.  “I doubt it.  The bell will be ringing soon.”

As if on cue, the bell at Windfall Cathedral began to ring.

●     You have been summoned to the church for a ceremony.

I reached over and grabbed my purple hat, adjusting the feather.  I was wearing a formal suit for the first time on Ordinal.  I looked pretty spiffy, if I did say so myself.  My clothing consisted of bright purple pants and topcoat, with a leopard print shirt and several large gold and silver chains completing the ensemble.

I loved my mayoral outfit.

Blots, meanwhile, had put on something that resembled a classic suit, save that it was dayglow orange.  His outfit was accessorized with a top hat.  Mar’s suit was similar, including the top hat, but in a pastel blue color instead.

“Hurry up, Harry and Lloyd.  We don’t want to be late,” I said.  Strangely, they both understood the reference.  Charles had added many Earth references to Ordinal’s culture, though the results were typically dumb and dumber.

Both the men threw on a silver chain as we left the town hall.  The chains were symbols of authority; the more chains you had, the more important you were.  I was the Mayor, so I had three, two gold and one silver.  I also had a ceremonial cane, but I didn’t typically carry it.  Today, I had my sword belted to my side.

The repaired cathedral was breathtaking.  It was similar to a classic Catholic cathedral with bright stone blocks.  The single, massive stained glass window was designed to catch as much sun as possible.

The inside of the church was reasonably ordinary. There wasn’t much you could do to get as many people sitting in a building as possible.  I had half expected to see bleachers.  Instead, it was just long row after long row of pews.  I had a box on the floor near one of the exits, where the Mayor and his guests sat.  There was a second box for adventurers, where Zorlando already sat attentively.

His version of church clothes was his glorious, golden armor, accented with a fine cape.  The elaborate embroidery of the cape was done in gold thread.  I could just make out the head of a t-rex from his seated position.  Zorlando straightened his mustache with two fingers, before standing and nodding at me.  Seated next to his box were a full dozen members of the town militia, along with several members of the Dashing Dandies.

Every member of the militia was decked out in well-tailored, blue uniforms with purple trim.  They had placed their spears at the cathedral entrance, close enough to be available but far enough away to not be in the way.  The Dashing Dandies were decked out in gold-trimmed uniforms that gave Zorlando a run for his money.  They were just tame enough to let Zorlando stand out.  As I passed, both groups nodded at me.             

I nodded back and sat in my chair.  There was a place for Badgelor in the box, but I wasn’t expecting him to attend.  Imagine my surprise when I found the little bugger asleep on a small, purple cushion.

Mar nodded.  I overheard him say to Blots, “Even Badgelor is blessing this.  She would have wanted it this way.”

Julia had sequestered herself in the cathedral all morning.  Now, I knew why.  Two children stepped from a room off the main nave.  They were wearing polka-dotted robes and carrying braziers of incense.  The polka dots symbolized all people of all races.  It was a sweet tribute, far less cliche than it sounded.  Julia followed closely after them.

“As this is a marriage between two members of the Grebtharian Reformed Church, I have agreed to read from the revised book of Grebthar,” said Julia dispassionately.  She paused for a moment, letting the fact that we were all heathens sink in.  Finally, she continued, “And what does the revised book say about marriage?”

She actually had to open the book, because her Religion skill didn’t apply to the revised text of Grebthar.  Julia finally found the passage.  “The good book says that marriage is, above all else, about. . .LOVE?”

It went downhill from there.

***

“That was a unique ceremony.  Thank you, Mayor,” said ShaMolly, the blushing bride.  She curtsied and walked over to take her place at the head of the receiving line with her new husband.  As she walked past, she didn’t say a word to the stunned Julia.  The new wife did not quite harrumph the perplexed princess, but you could tell she wanted to.

“I always thought weddings were kind of like pizza.  You couldn’t botch it badly enough for it to ever really matter,” I said, glancing over at Julia.  “Boy, did you prove me wrong.”

“What about the contract?” said Julia, as people began walking the receiving line toward the happily married couple.

“Contracts aren’t as important to these people as their love for each other,” I replied, shaking the hand of HaroldBruce.  He was shaking my hand, but he wasn’t looking at me.  He was glaring at Julia.

The outright hostility of the attendants wasn’t lost on her.  “I didn’t do that bad a job.”

“When you began talking about how love was what mattered most, you rolled your eyes,” I replied.

“Well, of course, I did!  It's silly!  I mean, imagine having everything you wanted in the palm of your hand, and you turn it all down for love,” Julia exclaimed, as she reached her hand out to the next guest.  They, too, rudely brushed past her.

“I think the part where you flubbed the wedding vows was probably the best,” I said, nodding at EstherSasha.  The older woman looked super bored.  I smiled at her, but she looked back at me impassively.  Just shaking her hand brought a tremor of nausea to my stomach.  I was glad I hadn’t invited her over to cook.

“Love, honor, and cherish?” groaned Julia.  She shook her head and tried to remain unobtrusive.  “Who in their right mind thinks that’s worthwhile.”

“I thought they were good vows,” I replied.

“For richer OR poorer?” asked Julia, shaking her head.  “It's ‘For richer’.  No one should have to stay married to someone destitute.”

“Well, I’d love to see a large Falcon wedding,” I stated.

“Wait for the actual Mayor.  Then, I’ll show you a massive one,” promised Julia, as the line continued to move.

“So, you’d just marry the real Mayor, sight unseen?” I asked.

“Of course!  That’s what any real princess would do,” she replied.  “Love is nonsense for children.”

There were a lot of guests, but most of them had already left for the reception.  Julia paused.  “Is there a party after this?”

“Um, I dunno, maybe.  If there is, it will be a boring, peasant thing.  You’d get bored,” I replied.

“They disinvited me because I laughed at their rings, didn’t they?” asked Julia.

“Basically,” I replied.  “The rings were nice.”

Julia groaned, tilting her head back.  She could handle associating with the masses, but, as soon as religion got involved, she was a dyed-in-the-wool Falconian conservative.  The only reason she’d officiated was because of the awards granted by the cathedral for its first use in centuries.  The only reason the people had let her officiate was because Julia was the only Divine casting class in town that wasn’t me.

The stragglers began streaming out of the cathedral, leaving only Julia and me in the building.  Julia groaned, took off her headpiece, threw it on top of a pew, and took several steps around the restored cathedral.

“It's just Badgelor and us?” she asked after a moment.

“Just us.  Badgelor has been asleep since before the ceremony,” I said, gesturing toward the unconscious badger.  Julia gave me a mischievous look and glanced over at the statue of Toomen.  As I stared blankly at her, she waggled an eyebrow at me.

“You can’t be serious.  We are in a church,” I said.

“That’s what makes it fun,” she replied, sighing.  “Look, I need to get my pipes cleaned, and OttoSherman’s schedule is full for the next two days.”

Freaking town bicycle.

“Looks like you'll be waiting for two more days,” I said.  Julia stuck her tongue out at me.

“Spoilsport, do you have any idea how many men would love to spend some quality time with the Princess of Falcon?” she snorted.  “I could command you.”

“I can resist your Word of Command,” I replied.

“Which makes it even more fun,” she pouted.  “I’d have to seduce you.”  Part of me was old-fashioned and disliked how open Ordinal was about relationships between consenting adults.  However, with a total lack of disease and no chance of unwanted pregnancy, casual sex was exceedingly common among everyone.

“You know my pecker doesn’t work,” I said, repeating the old rumor.

“That is a bald-faced lie,” growled Julia.  We had once been stuck in a closet for a few hours, a bored Julia pressed firmly up against me.  I had tried mightily, but she had still known. 

Julia lowered her head and fluttered her eyelashes at me.  I gazed steadily back.  Finally, she just groaned.  “Fine!  I’ll wait for OttoSherman.  I didn’t want to show you the golden bikini trick anyway.”

“Wait, what?” I asked, as Julia walked over and examined the statue of Toomen.  When they had finished repairing the church, they had cleaned the statue.  With the roof patched, the stone had stopped collecting bird shit.

“It’s a passible likeness, but I always imagined him with a full beard,” I stated, trying to get the conversation going in a different direction.

“Toomen Masterbrooke?  Hardly,” replied Julia.  “He was a Master Paladin, an exemplar of what it means to be a Paladin.  He finished his Path on his journey.  He frequently had shaggy stubble, because he’d forgotten to stop his hair from growing.  A full beard was totally out of the question, though.”

“I dunno, he just looks like the kind of guy with a full, shaggy beard.  In any case, he’s still a prime physical specimen,” I said.

“No, this is a very idolized sculpture,” replied Julia, glancing at it again.  “Toomen was well known for not caring much about his physical appearance.  He wasn’t nearly this buff.”

“But he’s a Chosen One.  That’s a Tier 3 Remort class,” I said.

“Yes,” replied Julia before sighing, “He fought the Dark Overlord with Grebthar.”

“Was he the most important companion?” I asked.

“Grebthar had over a dozen significant allies.  Depending on the stories, you only hear about a handful.  Most of them were temporary, or we just don’t have much information about them.  Heck, the only one that was there from start to finish was Baby Badgelor over there,” replied Julia dismissively.

“Charles found you when you were a baby?” I chuckled.  Badgelor yawned and groaned.

“I found Charles when I was very young.  I saved him.  Then, he became my companion.  He needed someone to watch his back,” explained Badgelor.

Julia frowned at that.  “I’ll grant that your Badgelor is about the best informed ‘Badgelor’ I’ve ever encountered.  However, the actual Badgelor wouldn’t have gotten his ass kicked by anyone.”

Badgelor growled.  “HarDragon was a Dragon Protector.  Every scrap of gear he carried was built for the sole purpose of killing War Badgers.”

“Really?” I questioned.

Julia considered that for a moment.  “I suppose.  War Badgers are the natural enemies of dragons.”

“I keep hearing that, but I haven’t found any dragons to test him against,” I chuckled.

“Well, that’s the legend anyway.  The history is debatable,” stated Julia.

“I’ve killed a bunch of dragons,” responded Badgelor defensively.

“Sure you have, with Grebthar,” chided Julia.

For an instant, Badgelor’s eyes glowed purple.  Julia stepped back.  Her body began to turn a golden color, as her barriers folded in around her.  I wondered if she had enough perks to resist Badgelor’s Destructive Gaze.  Then, I remembered where we were.  It wasn’t worth testing in a church.

“Hey, look at the statue,” I said.

Badgelor’s eyes stopped glowing, and he hopped down.  “Screw you guys.  I’m going home.”  He paused for a moment by the statue, looking up at it and sighing.  Then, he continued toward the party.

“I heard you and Glorious Robert on the ship.  You really think this is the actual Toomen?” chuckled Julia, looking at the statue more carefully.  When she reached up and touched it, something flaked off.  She yanked her hand back and sniffed it.

“What’s up?” I asked.

Ignoring me, Julia walked around the statue, casting several spells.  Initially, her expression was dismissive, but it rapidly changed from concern to wonder.  “This is the Curse of Stone!  That really is Toomen Masterbrooke!  We need to find a Curse Breaker!”

“I’m a Curse Breaker,” I replied.

“This is, at the very least, a Master ranked curse,” stated Julia.

“It takes 600 Mana to break,” I said, remembering my earlier efforts to break the curse.  To put it mildly, they had been utter failures.  My first attempt had caused my first Mana Crash. Later efforts were, likewise, unsuccessful.

“It takes 600 Mana for an attempt,” Julia said absently, pulling out the Walker Orb.  She muttered a quick incantation.  Suddenly, a transparent image of Shart, his full power beast mode activated, appeared before us.

“Greetings, most awesome Mayor of Noobtown, whose very presence causes the world to quake,” stated Shart, “And your companion.”

When Shart wanted to twist the knife, he could get it stuck deeply.  Julia was back to counting to ten.  Finally, she reverently asked, “Sir, what can you tell me about this curse?”

“I am not obligated to assist you with general trivia, girly,” stated Shart.  Julia inhaled again and began counting.  I’d never seen Shart quite that intentionally dismissive of someone.  Sure, he didn’t care who lived or died, but that was general apathy.  He was finding all Julia’s buttons and jumping up and down on them.

“You will answer with more respect,” stated Julia, after she calmed down.

“Or what, doll face?” asked Shart.

“I’ll turn off the minibar and turn up the time dilation there by a factor of fifty,” she said flatly.

Shart was an Elder Demon, a being of almost incomprehensible power.  He lasted about three whole seconds. “It's a Curse of Stone.  The Dark Overlord cast it.  It's got a 600 Mana minimum to even try to break it.”

“Good.  Can Jim break it?” she asked confidently.

“Maybe, probably not,” stated Shart.  “I don’t know anyone else nearby who could, though.”  Shart wasn’t quite groveling, but it was a close thing.  Julia made the orb vanish, and, consequently, so did Shart.

“She restocked the bar!  Thank the <admins>,” cried Shart.

“That’s terrifying,” I said.

“I'm the princess,” she stated.  “I assume that even a Remort doesn't have 600 Mana at level 14.”

“That would be quite a bit,” I replied.  Julia raised her eyebrows.

“Strange that I can’t get a good read on your stats,” she said.

“I am a Remort,” I replied.

Julia frowned at that.  “I suppose we could give it a try.  Do you know of the Rituals skill?  It allows casters to share their Mana pools when using spells or skills,” stated Julia.

●     You have learned the skill Rituals.  You can use this skill to share your Mana pool with others when using spells or skills.  You are unskilled.

“I think I have it,” I replied.  Julia just shook her head.

“Fine, I will attempt to share my much larger Mana pool with you, so you can attempt to break the curse,” she stated, placing her hand on my shoulder.  I didn’t feel any Mana flowing.  Julia watched me for a long moment.  “Fine. I’ll pick it.”

I was about to ask what she meant when words came to me, unbidden.  “Habba, Habba, Zut, Zut.”  In case you were wondering, Ritual required us to sing the entire time.

Ordinal was weird.

Groaning, I watched my Mana pool slowly swell, as the effect took several seconds to lock in.  I grinned.  I had less than 100 Mana the last time I had tried this.  Now, it should be easy.  The first thing I did after focusing on the statue was create my magical avatar within the curse.  It looked like me, at least on the top half.  I didn’t need to walk, so this form was legless.

In some ways, the curse was like my mind space.  It was a series of wriggling eels that surrounded the power source of the curse.  All I needed to do was untie the eel knot, and I would break the curse.  The slow-moving curse had been easy so far.  I was amped up with more Mana than I knew what to do with, and I knew this was going to be child’s play.

I reached into the curse, aiming for the first eel of dark magic.  As I reached for one, they all reacted so quickly that I didn’t have time to blink.  They snaked up my avatar’s body and wrapped around my virtual neck.  Only a blast of Mana from the massive pool I had kept them from tearing virtual me’s head straight off.

“The feck!” I yelled, jerking away.  Thankfully, the curse seemed to be tied to the power source and didn’t attempt to follow me.

“What?” asked a calm and collected Shart.

“That curse was insanely fast compared to other curses,” I replied.

“Of course, it was, Dum Dum,” Shart semi-slurred.  “You’ve always operated on an enhanced timescale whenever you’ve tried this.  Now, you are reacting to them at their speed, and you are chronically under-skilled.”

Great.  I knew from experience that, as I leveled up my skill, the eels would somehow become much more manageable.  My avatar would become more muscular, or the eels would move slower.  At their present speed, I wasn’t able to grab them in an effort to break the curse.  That meant I wasn’t even going to get any Skill Points for the attempt.

“Wait, it's all just numbers.  How does your time dilation thing work?” I asked.

“Oh, it's just a skill, man,” stated Shart.

●     You have learned the <admin> skill <menutime>.  This is an <admin> only skill.  You must be qualified, as you have earned an <admin> skill!  Good luck!

“Ashes and Fire,” stated Shart.  “You didn’t.”

“Um, I’m going to try to break that curse again,” I stated.  I felt the connection I had with drunk Shart snap shut.  He was pissed.

The <system> decided on the names of skills.  I had referred to my previous time dilation effect under Shart “menutime.”  The <system> had kept that name.  I hoped it worked the same as before.

I shifted the focus from my magical senses to my ordinary senses and glanced around.  As I expected, everything was moving at a much slower pace than it had been.  However, it was not the same 200 to 1 ratio as before.  If I had to guess, I would have said it was 20 to 1.  Additionally, this version of menutime wasn’t free.  While I used it, my Stamina was dropping.  It was a slow drop, though it was not so slow that I could afford to spend hours in subjective time.

It occurred to me that I’d never seen Shart’s Stamina pool.  I had no idea if my current actions were depleting his pool or not.  He could have had a ton of Stamina.  More likely, he had a perk that nullified the cost.

In any case, this <admin> skill affected me when I was Curse Breaking.  I swung into my magical vision and strolled back toward the power source.

“It's time to show that curse who’s boss!”

Chapter 50 – Cursebreaker

“The curse,” I groaned, as I collapsed onto a pew over two hours later.

“You were only at Journeyman,” hissed Julia, her migraine the only thing keeping her from screaming at me.  Badgelor was trying to fan her with, of all things, a scrap of someone’s dress.  He’d returned from the wedding reception a combination of full and drunk that you seldom saw in a badger.

‘I hadn’t been when we started, but I am now.  That thought needed to stay unsaid.  Afterall, I wanted to live. 

I hadn’t broken many curses, so I wasn’t aware of all the particulars of the art.  For example, unless your Cursebreaker rank was higher than the curse, you were limited in the Mana you used to make the attempt.  That meant that, despite my larger pool of Mana, as well as Julia’s still even larger pool of Mana, I could still only use the 600 points I brought with me to break the curse. 

On my last attempt, I’d almost had it.  By the time I had wrestled five eels into submission, I had spent only 480 of the 600 Mana.  Like any good boss, the curse had a second stage.  Young Jim would have tried to fight that super curse, but old Jim was way more practical.  I bolted as soon as it started changing.  It only managed to tear off one of my magical arms before I’d escaped.

Seeing as Julia was providing the Mana for that magical arm, the results had been less than pleasant all around.

I’d gotten a perk at Journeyman, and I’d chosen Armored Avatar.  It fully encased my magical avatar in the form of magical armor out of my personal Mana, as opposed to the Mana tied up in the curse.  One of the things it was meant to do was protect against limb removal.  The perk also provided flaps to defend other parts of your mystical body.  That protection would prove useful in cases where a curse tried to wedge an eel into painful parts of your avatar anatomy.

“That wasn’t sexual in nature?” I questioned Shart.

“Why would it be sexual? It's a magical curse,” growled the demon.

“It just seemed like it was trying to, you know. . .” I began.

“If the eel managed to violate your avatar, it could have done some real damage.  You have Mental Resistance.  Not to mention, the further away the magic gets from the statue, the weaker it becomes,” stated Shart.

“But it still tried,” I argued, involuntarily puckering up.

“Curses do that, Dum Dum,” said Shart.

“I need more Mana,” I groaned

“That can be arranged.  However there are alternatives, depending on how far you want to go down the rabbit hole,” stated Shart.  Suddenly, I got a prompt.

●     Mana Network: Expert perk available: Cultivate Mana.  Your Mana network can be upgraded.  You can now easily filter your Mana through your Mana Cores to change your Mana’s aspect.  Aspected Mana increases the power of compatible spells but is useless when powering other spells.  Would you like to enable this perk? <Yes/No>

“Feck,” I thought.  That presented a number of tactical options that I currently lacked.  It also followed the pattern I was beginning to suspect.  Mainly, that bigger numbers were not always better.  All Mana was not created equal.  With this perk, I wouldn’t have to treat it all the same. 

“That’s still not going to give me enough Mana,” I said.

“Well, if the reason I offered you that perk was increasing your Mana pool, you’d be correct,” said Shart.  “Guess what, Dum Dum?  That’s not the reason I did it.  You see, what that perk really does is expand and harden your Mana network.  It allows you to pass more Mana through your body with less seepage.”

“And I still have BDE,” I said out loud.

Julia groaned at me.

Activating my Cursebreaker skill, I started using Mana Control to find the dregs of the Badger Demonic Energy stored in my body.  It took a moment, but I eventually found bits of it clinging to the inside of my network.  Now that I’d reinforced my Mana channels, I could move the BDE much more easily around my body.  It didn’t take long for me to cultivate it into one large mass and bring it into my palms.

Using the BDE, I used Armored Avatar and formed the magical armor all over my virtual body.  In this magical headspace, the new armor was thicker.  It was also more reinforced than anything I’d ever created before.  Then, I used the last dregs of energy to force my way through the curse’s barrier and into the virtual chamber, where the abomination representing the curse stood.

Next, I activated my <menutime> skill and slowed time.  With all my practice in the last battle, I was up to twenty-six times the regular speed, though the drain on my Stamina was even higher than it used to be.  That meant I would have to be very quick about this.

Finally, I continued cultivating my Mana into a specific type.  With my new and improved Mana network, I could cultivate Mana by running it through my Mana Cores.  Usually, this wasn’t a good idea, as typed Mana limited what you could do with it.  However, I had an idea.

With myself armored up and time slowed, I walked toward the curse.  It appeared as a more lifelike version of the figure, but with massive black shadows wrapped around it.

As I approached the curse, the eels tore off and began snapping at me.  The first time I’d tried to break the curse, one had almost torn my head off, right at the start of the battle.  I’d managed to prevent that but had lost some magical fingers in the exchange.

With my increased speed, I simply dodged around the creature. Then, when I had the chance, I locked both my hands onto the back of the eel and yanked.  The beast screamed, trying to stay attached to the curse.  However, he had miscalculated, and I was operating much faster than he expected.  In practical terms, that meant I was able to pull against it hard enough to tear it free. It didn’t have a chance to get itself sorted back out.

I tossed it aside, and the eel shriveled up.  Without the Mana from the curse, the fragments of the curse had no power.  The other two eels tried to attack as a pair, but I managed to get them to bite into each other.  As they attempted to burrow into each other’s souls, I tore them free and tossed them, as well.

“So far, this is easy,” I said to Shart, as I waited for the second form to unlock.  That is what had gotten me in the previous attempt.  I’d barely managed to defeat the first form, and the second form had nearly torn me to bits.  The eels were attacking me, but they weren't having much luck with my heightened speed and mystical armor.

Now that I was ready for it, I was curious about the second form.  Fighting the curse was like a video game.  I knew the pattern of the first stage of the boss but not the second.  Due to low health, I had retreated before the fight got serious last time.  This time, my Mana Armor was at full strength, and I was ready to go.

The curse cracked open, and a shadowy ichor poured out onto the ground.  I flexed my hand, causing the Mana Armor at my side to form into a sword.  I took a step toward the pool, pointing my blade at it.  Then, I concentrated and willed the sword to extend.  As the blade shot out like Goku’s staff, the ichor bunched up and dodged to the side.

I attempted to pull the weapon back, but it was now far too long and ungainly.  It forced me to focus on shrinking it down to a reasonable size.  While it shrank, the ichor grew into a larger, more man-shaped entity.

Leveling my shield at the creature, I took a step toward it, resolving to keep my sword at a wieldable size.  The shadows congealed into a definitive form, and the creature's head turned to face me.  It was all teeth and two glowing red eyes.  The eyes were quite familiar.

“Shart, who did you say created this curse?” I asked, as I gripped my sword tighter.

“Let me show you a trick,” said the creature, holding up his hand and extending two fingers.  I let my Evasion perk take me to the side, as the ground underneath opened up to swallow me.

“So fast,” cackled the shadow.  “So many have tried to remove this curse.  None have succeeded.  Do you know why?”

I launched myself off the ground, as the next barrage of shadow sought to claim me.  Tentacles tore from the ground, each trying to drag me into the abyss.  I avoided each of them, as they formed a net to surround me.  My Blazing Sword was the only reason they failed.  I landed in a roll and threw a Firebolt straight at the creature’s face.  As a testament to the power of the creature, my spell failed mid-flight.

“You are testing my patience,” growled the shadow.  It began to work more Mana, causing globs of shadow to fly at me from all angles.  “Do you have any idea what I’m about to do to you?”

I forced Biological Aeromancy into my Mana Armor’s shield. Unfortunately, it was less efficient than normal Mana.  The glowing tower shield shrank down to a smoky green buckler.  Swinging the buckler into the shadowy mass caused it to repel the shield like water off a phoenix’s back.

The Shadow was getting more and more upset with me.  “Normally, there is a bit more banter than this.”

“Potato,” I replied.

“What?” asked the shadow, momentarily stunned by my ability as a conversationalist.  I activated Thrust, launching my Blazing Sword straight at its torso.  The shadow lurched backward, avoiding the strike by inches.  It finally managed to wrap a tentacle around my leg.

“Now, can you guess who I am, you puny mortal?”

“Charles,” I answered.  “Specifically, some crappy clone of Charles who’s about to get his brains bashed out.”

“Well, that’s partially correct,” responded the shadow.  “Though no one has ever gotten this far before, I will still not be defeated.”

“Jim, be careful,” stated Shart.  “I got his stat sheet!”

●     Dark Overlord’s Simulacrum, Level 60

●     Mana: 140/800

“Oh, thank goodness, your Mana is running low,” I said, now ready for some witty back and forth.

“It doesn’t matter.  I’ll just drain yours,” hissed the shadow in response.

“You never even asked me my name,” I replied.  “Don’t you think we should get to know each other first, before we start draining things.”

“Oh, really?” laughed the shadow.  “You think I care?  I’ll drain all your Mana and eject you from this arena as a withered husk.”  With that, he attempted to make good on his promise, wrapping my body in tentacles.  Each latched on in an attempt to drain me of precious Mana.

Of course, as soon as I realized that would be an issue, I began cultivating my Mana pool, using my Biological Aeromancy Core.  The process took a while and prevented me from using most of my spells, not that they were much use anyway.  What it left me with was an entire Mana pool filled with Biological Aeromancy aspected Mana.  For an average person, that just made someone a bit gassy.  Of course, that was for an average person.             

Charles’ shadow spent precious seconds attempting to devour my Mana.  Every bite was like eating a poorly prepared turnip.  Each tentacle jerked back.  Several broke apart, as they swallowed the incompatible Mana.

Finally, Charles’ shadow had had enough.  He snarled, “Who are you?”

“I’m the Kool-Aid man,” I replied.

“What?”

“Oh, yeah!” I declared, as I activated Hack and Slash.  This time, I had my sword full of Biological Aeromancy Mana.  My Blazing Sword crackled with energy that was an anathema to Shadow.  The existing tentacles were too weak to hold me after their snack, so I cut them all free and drove the sword directly into Charles’ skull.  The shadow looked up in shock, as the blade hammered through his brainpan.   I pulled the weapon free and continued smashing his skull.  Finally, Charles’ head was at the feet of the Toomen statue.

“This won’t kill me,” shrieked Charles.

“I said I was going to bash your brains in,” I replied, holding up my buckler and slamming it into the shadow’s head over, and over, and over again.

I must have been at it for a while.  When I finally recognized Shart’s voice, he was yelling quite urgently. “Nimrod, as cathartic as this is, you are running out of Mana and Stamina.”

“What?” I hissed, looking down at the smoldering remains of Charles.  I wished with every fiber of my being that it had been the real thing.

“How long have I been at this?” I questioned, checking my stat sheet and whistling.

“Well, I was singing B-52 songs while I waited.  I made it all the way through ‘Give Me Back Grebthar’, ‘Is that you Badgelor?’, ‘Rock Badger’, and ‘Roam’,” replied Shart.

“Roam has the same title on Earth,” I grunted.

“Is it about searching dusty trails, rocking through the world, and killing the Dark Overlord?” asked the demon.

“No,” I replied, looking around.

“What does it fecking matter, then?” hissed Shart.  “Just find the curse focus and crush it, preferably before goober over their reforms.”

I walked over to the statue, admiring my handiwork. Unfortunately, my spirit sword had broken at some point.  I was betting it had something to do with Charles’ head.  However, it had been worth it.  The damage to Charles had left a large and impressive dent in the side of the statue.  Through a small crack, I could see the focus hidden there.  Using what little Mana I had left, I formed a magical crowbar and began pulling the figure apart.

Soon, I held the small, glowing stone in my hand.  I crushed it in my palm, and the curse collapsed.

Instantly, I was fully back in the cathedral.  A very annoyed Julia walked over and glared down at me.  The reception appeared to have ended.  A steady procession of Windfallians were filing into the cathedral, curious to see what was up.  As I lay exhausted, Julia found her moment.               

“It's still a statue,” stated Julia, as she frowned down at me.  Her hair was out of her buns, and she looked tired.  “You know, you almost had me convinced for another moment.  I thought you’d pull something out of your rear end and do the impossible.  I guess you are just Jim after all.”

“Look, your worshipfulness-” I began, but she cut me off.

“No, that’s a sacred phrase among my people.  The real Mayor would know that,” she growled.  “I can’t believe I almost fell for it.  The real Mayor couldn’t fail, could he?  You need to stop pretending and wait for Grebthar.”  Julia glared at me imperiously.  The people in the cathedral began to talk amongst themselves.  I continued to lay on the ground. 

“Nah, Jim broke the curse,” said Badgelor.  “I’d stake my reputation on it.”

“You are delusional if you think that badger is the real Badgelor,” said Julia, turning on the crowd.  “Look, I get that Jim is a Remort, quite powerful and all, but he is NOT the Mayor. That is NOT the real Badgelor.”

“You are probably going to want to stop soon,” began Badgelor.

“Hardly, I’m just getting started,” stated Julia aggressively.  I am Julia Angela Claudia Carrington Ewing Gioberti Napa Ewing, Crown Princess of Falcon’s Union of Crest and Kingdom.  I stand before all of you in this house of Grebthar to declare that this mayor of Windfall is not Grebthar.”

“Duh,” said someone.  “That’s Jim.” There was a chorus of agreement.

“Yeah,” replied a second.  “Jim’s the mayor.”  There was another chorus of agreement.

“And his willy doesn't work,” said a small boy.  Unfortunately, there was a third chorus of agreement.

Julia facepalmed and began counting.  I tried unsuccessfully to rouse myself.  The Curse Breaking had simply taken too much out of me.  Before Julia could manage to collect herself for another go, the sound of a badger growling diverted all eyes to Toomen’s statue.

Badgelor rolled his eyes and tapped the statue’s foot several times with a claw.  Finally, he spoke an incantation.  “Yo, dumbass, get your holier than thou ass up before I bite you.”

Suddenly, Toomen’s head turned.  Loud popping sounds filled the church, as rock and hundreds of years of fossilized pigeon shit started shattering around his body.

“I thought that was all rock,” I said.

“Nope, lots of bird poop,” replied Shart, as the room turned to face Toomen.

“The Master Paladin,” intoned Julia in shock.

“The Chosen One,” muttered Shart, as the man took his first step off his pedestal.  He was quite a bit shorter and thinner than I had imagined.  When combined with his shaggy beard, he sported an oddly malnourished look.

No.

“Zoinks, Badgie, did I oversleep?” asked the statue, as more and more of the shell fell away.

“He did not sound like that in the story,” I exclaimed.

“He didn’t sound like a woman pretending to do a man’s voice?” replied Shart.  “I mean, to me, you mortals all sound like the same voice is speaking for all of you, just doing different impressions.”

“Aren’t you afraid someone could say the same thing about you?” I growled.

“I sound nothing like these cretins,” denied Shart.  “My voice is unique.  It’s one of a kind.”

“Sure,” I replied, happy that I, at least, had a normal voice.  Sometimes, I mentally expected Shart to sound a bit more like Gilbert Gottfried.  However, imagining SueLeeta sounding like that actor was outright terrifying.

“Don’t fix what ain’t broken.”

“Like, I’m starving, man.  What happened here?” asked Toomen.

“He sounds like Shaggy,” I groaned, as the Master Paladin finally broke himself completely free.  He promptly collapsed onto the ground.  Julia rushed over to help Toomen to his feet.  Without all the pigeon crap bulking him up, Toomen wasn’t exactly buff. 

“This can’t be right,” the princess muttered, glaring over at me.

Badgelor sat next to me and shook off the dust from his fur.  “What do I know? I’m just a normal badger.”

“I’m not understanding all of this,” said Julia.  “Why is the Master Paladin, the Chosen One, talking like a stoner?”  I shrugged.

“Jinkies, Toomen, are you, like, hungry?” I asked.

“Ah, yeah, man,” replied Toomen.  “I could really go for a Badgie Snack.”

I was in hell.

I looked down at Badgelor.  He stood and walked over to Toomen and said out loud, “Rokay!”

“The hell?” I exclaimed.  “That wasn’t Badger.  You can talk like us?”

“I can grunt in passable human, if that’s what you’re asking,” replied Badgelor, going back to his native Badger.

“You can grunt out words, and Toomen went around having adventures,” I grumbled.            

“Oh, yeah, like I don’t know he sounds like Shaggy from Scooby-doo,” stated Badgelor.  “I lived with Charles for 200 years.  I know tons of stupid crap about Earth.”

“Let's get back to the whole thing where you are able to talk,” I replied.

“I can grunt eloquently,” explained Badgelor.  “You speak War Badger.  Why would I ever try to use your gutter language when I can speak normally?”  Badgelor shuddered.

“And Toomen?” I asked.

“Doesn’t speak a word of War Badger.  He never has, but he always knows where to find the best food.  Back then, I didn’t usually carry a wallet,” stated Badgelor.  “Speaking of. . .”

“Badgie, let's go get something to eat.  I’m starved,” stated Toomen.  He headed out of the cathedral, as the princess looked googly-eyed.

“Rokay,” grinned Badgelor and trampled off after Toomen.

“Lord Badgelor, who will attempt to bite you if you accidentally disrespect him, answers to Badgie,” I said, shaking my head.

“How could this get any worse?” groaned Julia, as Badgelor and Toomen disappeared from view.

“Look to the sky.  It's a bird,” someone yelled.

“It's a plane,” said a second.

“No, it’s definitely a bird,” replied the first voice.

“What the hell is a plane?” yelled someone.

“It's an engineering contraption that lets you fly through the air,” I said, stepping out of the cathedral.  The aforementioned bird was on her final approach.  I considered catching Beakatrix, but, at the last moment, she pulled up for a perfect two-point landing.  She was holding her mechanical glider for dear life.

If you are curious, a giant bird flying around on what amounted to a hang glider was just as absurd as you’d think.

The glider itself was interesting.  It was a hang glider that had been modified for someone that had wings.  Flapping in it must have been terribly inefficient.  At the same time, with the large glider wing base, Beakatrix wouldn’t need to be very efficient to stay airborne.

“Chosen One,” chirped Beakatrix.

“Like, yes?” replied Toomen.

“Not you, Chosen One.  The other Chosen One,” said the Progenitor.

“Zoinks, he’s, like, totally not a Chosen One,” said Toomen.  “He’s, like, the Mayor of Windfall.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO,” screamed Julia, before going completely catatonic. 

Chapter 51 - The Bird is Always the Word

After I spoke to Toomen, the Master Paladin headed to the Golden Badger.  Food was a far more pressing concern for him than ancient races.  I walked into the square to check on Beakatrix.  She was busy fielding questions from various people in town while trying to avoid scaring the children.  That woman loved kids; that was for certain. 

“Beakatrix, it is good to see you,” I said, as I walked over and plucked her from the crowd. 

“Mayor, it is good to see you,” she cawed out happily, switching to her native tongue.

“Neat glider,” I said.  Beakatrix clucked and pulled it out of storage.

“A gift,” she said, handing it to me.

“I don’t know what to say,” I replied.

“It is garbage now.  I already figured out a better pattern to use for the next one,” replied Beakatrix. 

“Well, thanks for the garbage, then,” I replied, trying to keep chipper.  Beakatrix was a bit too direct at times, but I figured it was just part of who she was.  You can’t blame a dog for barking or a Progenitor for telling you exactly what they think. 

We walked a moment in silence.  I watched her stretch out her long neck.  As the light caught her feathers, I realized they were duller than the last time I’d seen her.  I changed our course and headed toward the fountain. 

“A friend of mine has suffered a grievous injury that no magic or skill can fix.  We are rather hopeful that you can do something with Engineering,” I stated.

“Possibly,” she replied.  “My skill in BioEngineering is limited.  As long as it's not overly complicated, I should be able to assist him.”

“His spine is destroyed,” I said.

“Well, fuck me,” she replied, rolling her head to examine me with one massive eyeball.  “I mean, I guess I could try.  I warn you; it's not going to look pretty.”

“At this point, cosmetics is the least of his concerns,” I stated flatly.

“Glorious,” said Beakatrix.

“He’s still on the boat,” I replied, causing Beakatrix to look at me questioningly.  We reached the fountain, where Julia had waded in and sat down. 

The princess was quietly thumping her head against the large statue part of the cascading fountain.  Her hair was loose.  She was letting water stream down over her head and into the basin below.  I took off my boots and walked over, thankful that no one still used the fountain for drinking water. 

Stepping on the grate, I paused, as I felt the water being drawn away from the fountain.  My Engineering skill didn’t kick off, so it had to be magical.  I checked for runes that created water but surmised they were probably stuffed into the top of the fountain.  They wouldn’t have been seen from there.  I’d have to examine that in more detail later. 

“Are you feeling better, Princess?” I asked.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” she replied to herself.  “He must be a fake.”

“Hey, if you want to challenge Toomen Masterbrooke, Chosen of the Sky, to a duel, go for it,” I replied.

Julia sighed.  “No, even if he was only using one percent of his power, I’d still get annihilated.”

“You’d probably do better than that,” I offered.  Julia put her head back in the large stream of water.

“With all these clouds, you have great faith in me,” chuckled Julia, straightening up.  “I should be talking to the Progenitor.”

“She’s right over there,” I said, pointing to Beakatrix.  The bird was splashing in the fountain’s water.  Apparently, seeing me take off my boots and walk in was all the motivation she’d needed.  She had hopped in and was splashing herself with wild abandon. 

“Progenitors like birdbaths,” I chuckled. 

Julia nodded.  “Well, I suppose you would know.”

“Are you okay?” I asked.  Julia was out of sorts.  I thought she’d be happy that I’d gotten Toomen Masterbrooke back and had the Progenitor here.  Those things seemed positively Mayorish. 

“I’m fine,” answered Julia defeatedly.  “What do you plan on having her do?”

“Oh, I asked her to swing by to fix Fenris,” I replied casually. 

“She might be able to succeed where I have failed,” said Julia, sounding depressed.  I didn’t quite get why the normally headstrong young woman was having an existential crisis, but I figured I’d have to do something to counteract it.  “The fate of my line is to fail when we are most needed.”

That was a larger wound than expected.  She had previously mentioned something about Leia of Falcon failing when challenging the Dark Overlord.  Apparently, that hit deeper than I’d thought. 

“Would you like a sandwich?” I asked finally.  I was still a man.  When I got upset, I ate.  I also ate at all other emotional levels, because eating was good.  Julia babbled something.

“Come on, Princess,” I urged.  “Remember, you actually found the real Mayor of Windfall.  That’s got to mean something.”

“Did I?” she replied. 

I was bad at cheering people up. 

After a quick Endure Elements to dry Julia’s hair off, we headed back to my place.  Beakatrix followed her new quest and headed toward Fenris’ house.

“What about the Golden Badger?” Julia repeated, now free of water.

“Toomen and Badgelor have eaten everything there,” I replied, looking around.  “Didn’t you hear Toomen burp for almost thirty seconds straight?  It scared the shit out of several people in the square.  He’s passed out in the common room now, and MaGetty can’t wake him up.  Badgelor even got fed up and left him.”

“He’s supposed to be so awesome,” stated Julia, sadly looking back at the inn.

“I believe he is.  I mean, he ate all the food in the joint, while you were pounding your head on the fountain.  They couldn’t have been in there for more than five minutes,” I replied.  “That really is incredible.”  As we reached the house, I dragged Julia toward the kitchen, sitting her down on Dalton’s stool. 

I plopped down across from her at the kitchen table, grabbing the bread, meat, veggies and spices.  Suddenly, the hair on the back of my neck stood up, causing me to drop the cilantro.

“Puma check?” asked Julia.

“Guess I’m a little high strung today,” I replied, gathering up more ingredients. 

Julia sighed.  “I need to take this stupid robe off.  I'm going to use your bathroom to take a bath.  If you want to surprise me with some wine and a sandwich, I would appreciate it.”

That was an invitation if I’d ever heard one. 

At that, Ashe stepped in from the cellar, looking wide-eyed at both of us.

“Ordinal is weird,” said Julia, as she headed to the staircase.   

Swallowing loudly, Ashe poked her head out of the kitchen and asked, “We have a decent selection of wines.  What would you like?”

“Three,” smiled Julia from the living room.  Ashe turned to stare at me.

“Is she okay?” Ashe asked. 

“She’s fine, just an exciting day,” I calmly said, grabbing the bread and reaching for a knife.  You had to ask for sliced bread at the bakery, and Ashe never did.  She preferred to cut her own pieces.  She saw me reaching and pulled a knife from somewhere.  Then, she tried to hand it to me.  “Thanks, but no.  I know what you do with your knives.”

“What happened?” asked Ashe.

“Don’t you pay attention to what goes on outside?” I asked.

“I was busy in the cellar,” replied Ashe.  She frowned slightly, but, a moment later, the knife vanished.  She examined my table full of meat and vegetables.  “So, just a sandwich?  You want me to make it for you?”

“I promised I’d make it myself,” I said, finding a knife and carving three slices of bread from the loaf.  When Ashe turned away, I threw the crust in the garbage.  She hated to waste food. 

Ashe walked over to the stove and lit it.  “Would you like some soup to go with that?”

I was about to refuse, but I recognized the body language.  She was concerned for me.  Ashe was the kind of person who showed care by feeding someone.  She would keep offering until someone accepted something, so I nodded.  Worst case, I could eat the soup myself. 

She immediately began throwing various food items into the pot.  On Earth, soup would take quite a while to prepare.  On Ordinal, with Ashe’s Cooking skill, it would be ready in a few minutes. 

“What happened?” Ashe asked again. 

She had gotten bolder.  Then again, she was sleeping with one of my better friends.  Ashe probably thought that made us close.  She was probably right.  Ashe might try to stab me from time to time, but she was normally concerned about my health.

“Mayor stuff,” I said, causing Ashe to raise her eyebrow.  “I broke the curse on the statue of Toomen Masterbrooke and the Progenitor has finally arrived in Windfall.  You know, Mayor stuff.”

Her knife briefly stopped its brisk pace.  Ashe looked like she was going to need a minute to recover.  Toomen Masterbrooke was a mythical figure on Ordinal, around the level of Moses on Earth.  Just casually mentioning that he was in town would have been enough to jar anyone. 

“Have you seen Badgelor?” I asked. 

“He came back just before you, looking like he was full to bursting.  He muttered something about an old friend in town and needing to sleep something off,” said Ashe curiously.  “Am I to assume the old friend was Toomen?”

“Yup,” I replied.  The meat on Ordinal wasn’t in easy, sandwich-style slices, so I had to carefully carve it with the knife.  It was a bit more of an ordeal than I wanted to admit, because it was governed by my Cooking skill, not my Knife skill.  None of the pieces were even, but, by the time I was done, my hand was a little steadier.

“I suppose you found my little business in the cellar,” stated Ashe, as she chopped vegetables.  “Do you care?”

“Not really,” I replied.  Ashe was a hustler.  She had a dozen people working for her as maids, plus a few dozen others doing various things.  If she saw a chance to make money, she took it.  If I’d been smart, I’d have realized the cold cellar could have made me some money.  “Just leave some room down there for my food.”

“Alright,” she replied, going back to cutting her vegetables.  “I saw some damage to the wall.  Do I need to have someone repair that?”

“No, but steer clear,” I said, looking up to see her merrily stirring a large pot of soup.  Never one to miss an opportunity, she had made enough soup for Julia, Zorlando, herself, and me.  There was probably enough to take some home to her sisters, as well.  She had done all that in the time it took me to make a sandwich. 

Plus, the soup smelled great.

“Why?” she asked, watching the steam waft over the pot.

“Grebthar stuff,” I said after a moment.  I didn’t need to explain everything to her.  She understood that, at one point, the house had been Grebthar’s. 

I started placing vegetables on the sandwich, trying to make it as fancy as possible. Considering how good the soup smelled, I knew there was no way for me to compete, though.  As I was reaching for seasonings, I saw the cilantro squished between a chair and the table.  I threw it on with a final flourish.  The sandwich looked halfway decent, and I got a prompt showing an actual success. 

Ashe set a large bowl of soup down and sat across from me.  She was watching me intently, probably trying to judge if I liked the soup or not.  I sniffed it and realized there was a 100 percent chance of deliciousness.  It looked a lot more appetizing than my scrawny sandwich. 

Still, it was Ashe.  I cut the sandwich in two and handed her half.  She looked at the sandwich like it was a dead rat.  There was no way I could feed Julia my embarrassing effort. 

“I tried really hard, and I don’t want to waste it,” I said, taking a bite from my half.  It wasn’t terrible.  With my ingredients and skill level, it was a very good example of a sandwich.  If I’d gone to a restaurant and paid five bucks for that sandwich, I would have gotten my money’s worth.  Not seven dollars, though.  It wasn’t that good.

Ashe, who was at least a Journeyman cook, nibbled at her half and frowned. 

“It's not that bad,” I offered.

“It is,” she said, sticking out her tongue.  “It tastes like soap.”

I looked at her for a long moment.  “Well, that sucks.  I tried really hard.”

“You know what?  If you really want to learn to Cook, I’ll be happy to teach you,” smiled Ashe.  “I taught most of my sisters, and I really like helping people learn.”

“Really?” I asked, smiling.  “I’d appreciate that.”

“No problem,” smiled Ashe. 

I reached down and picked up the bowl of soup, smelling it.  It really did smell great.  I felt my belly rumble, just as I kicked the underside of the table.  The massive hunk of wood flipped end over end, straight into Ashe. 

Chapter 52 - Maggie Strikes

I exhaled.  I was right.  I had to be.  I wasn’t on fire, because the barrier hadn’t reacted. 

Julia rushed into the room.  Her eyes bulged as she saw Ashe’s flattened body.  One leg was still kicking slightly from under the table.  “What did you do?”

“She was Maggie!  She was the Assassin,” I proclaimed, glancing at the steaming pot of soup on the stove.  It still smelled great.  Then, I realized Julia was still wearing her earlier outfit.  She had been in such a hurry to leave the room, take off her robes, and bathe.  I twisted abruptly, emptying my bowl directly at Julia’s face.  She pivoted and Dodged out of the way.  I closed with her. 

As I closed, her concerned expression changed to one of fury.  Daggers flicked from both her wrists, and she flung them at me.  I Dodged one and used the bowl to deflect the other with my Parry skill.  Julia tried to Dodge backward, but I slammed the open bowl directly onto her head, blocking her sight. 

I prepared to execute a One Punch, but the hair on the back of my neck suddenly stood up.  Instead, I simply punched the bowl with human degrees of force.  In response, I received a massive slash to the belly. 

●        Hidden Counter:  You have taken 29 points of Retaliation Damage!

Julia flew backward into the living room. 

Glancing back at the table, I noticed Ashe’s body was gone.  At the same moment, she came in from the side, daggers swinging.  Still, despite her best efforts, I was able to keep away from her.  Then, I felt a sharp pain in my side.  I turned to see Julia grinning at me.  My Poisoner perk flared, as the full-strength doses of her poisons hit me. 

“Did that hurt?” simpered Fake Ashe, grinning.

“It looked like it hurt,” said Fake Julia, circling me.

“The barrier should be burning you two alive,” I said.  I spent a moment in menutime.  Reviewing the log, I saw that Fake Julia was now being targeted by the barrier.  I smiled at her. She watched me patiently. 

“Well, it is burning one of us,” grinned Fake Julia. 

It took a second for me to realize what she meant.  The alert I got helped.  The barrier was very powerful, but it was not omniscient.  It was confusing the real Julia with the Assassin.  That meant that the princess was upstairs, burning to death.  My eyes flicked up.  Fake Ashe dove toward me, her daggers flashing. 

Again, I Dodged out of the way, only to find Fake Julia in my blind spot.  She jammed a dagger into my calf and twisted.  I rolled away from her.  I was able to make it to the stairs and began dashing up them.  I was inhumanly fast, but so was the Assassin.  Fake Ashe jumped right in front of me.  Fake Julia vanished again. 

Fake Ashe smiled wickedly, bringing both daggers around in a series of swings.  I didn’t even bother Dodging.  I grabbed her wrists and flung her behind me, right into Fake Julia.  She wasn’t able to get out of the way in time. 

Both girls went tumbling down the stairs.  I smashed through my own doorway and ran straight into a golden barrier.  It was violently shaking, tearing divots out of my floor.  I tried to Counterspell it, but I didn’t have the time.  Fake Ashe and Fake Julia charged into my bedroom.

“Only Julia is attacking, so the barrier is targeting her.  You aren’t Julia, though.  You’re Maggie,” I said. 

“I see you figured that out,” Fake Julia grinned.  “You gave me the idea, actually.  I wonder how long she’s going to last until she is a burnt husk.”

“Shart,” I mentally screamed, slamming my fist onto the barrier.

“Dum Dum, I can barely hear you,” yelled the demon.  “She’s in agony, and the pain is reinforcing her barrier.”  Because she was a Zealot, her Casting was driven by her emotions. Her go-to defense against anything was a magical barrier.  With the amount of pain she was in, this was probably the strongest barrier she had ever managed in her entire life. 

I didn’t have time.  I was sure there was a better way to do this.  There was some way to fix this that wouldn’t involve anything catastrophic.  There had to be a better, prepared person to manage a plan for this very scenario.  Someone had to know an archaic, long-forgotten method of helping someone when they were accidentally caught by the barrier.  That person was not me, and I didn’t have time.

I brought up the menus, slowing time as much as I could.  I found the emergency shutdown feature and clicked “Yes”.

The house shook.  The whole house bucked on its foundation.  It felt like we were having some sort of earthquake.  That saved me from Fake Julia, who was knocked away from me.  The floor jumped up, and she was sent flying into the air.  My Sailor skill activated, and I found myself able to move against the rocking floor.  I got right under Fake Julia.

●        Basstown Headbutt: Damage, 19 points of Damage, knockback 3 logs.

She went flying out the window, and I felt two daggers plunge into my back.  I twisted my head around to see Ashe’s face.  She was grinning at me, but her smile never reached her eyes. 

“You turned off the barrier!  Now, I get to play,” she screeched.

I spun around, trying to throw her off my back.  Surprisingly, it worked.  Fake Ashe lost her grip and smashed into Julia’s barrier.  She growled and stood back up, holding a fresh pair of conjured daggers. 

Then, I heard a scream from outside. 

Ashe frowned.  With the real Julia’s barrier still intact, I decided to beat a hasty retreat.  I jumped out the window, grabbing at the exposed rafter just outside.  Flipping onto the roof, I began desperately casting a spell. 

The sight below was rather horrible. 

When Fake Julia had been tossed from the window, she had landed on the spear of one of the town militia.  As an adventurer, that shouldn’t have killed her.  It would have left a ghastly wound, but it would have been recoverable.  However, she had landed on it in the absolute worst way.  The spear had gone through her back and up, all along her rib cage.  Her constitution was just high enough for her to madly paw at the spear, but the Damage was done. 

“Clever,” growled Fake Ashe, as she climbed next to me on the roof.  “I didn’t figure you for the kind of person to have Luck.  I should have known better.”

“Is Ashe dead?” I commanded.

Maggie’s features flicked over Ashe’s face for an instant.  She immediately calmed down.  “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

I gripped the whip I’d pulled from my dimensional storage.  “Tell me, or I will break you.”

Maggie hissed, stepping back.  She remembered my whip.  Her eyes darted around for a moment, and she looked back at me.  “Clever, the roof where there aren't any shadows I can use.”

“Where is Badgelor?” I asked next, stepping forward. 

Maggie frowned.  “He was easy.  I poisoned him.  I actually had to use quite a lot.  Fortunately, he likes those jars that the new alchemist dropped off.  I put enough poison in them to knock out a dragon.  He’ll be out for hours.”

I stepped forward again, and Maggie finally took a step back. 

“Figure out a poison that doesn’t show up to the barrier?” I questioned.

“Bingo!  Barriers are smart, but they aren’t perfect.  I guess you’d know that, wouldn’t you?” grinned Maggie. 

“Where is Ashe?” I asked, stepping forward again.

“Maybe I killed her,” stated Maggie with a rictus grin.

“If you had, you wouldn’t have been worried about the barrier picking the wrong target.  You need her alive for some reason,” I said, causing Maggie to flinch.  “Tell me where, or I will break you.”

Maggie stiffened, “You know what, that’s just cute.  I get that you think you are the actual, real Mayor of Windfall, but I’d like to see you try.  I’d like to watch that knot of confidence in your heart die.  Toodles, I just need a little bit more time, and then your whole city burns!”

With that, Maggie tossed down a smoke bomb.  It exploded, covering much of the roof in shadow.  Then, she jumped away.

●        Quick Binding Hack and Slash

My whip sought her out.  She was quick, but not quick enough.  I simply attacked everything in a broad swath through the smoke.  With my Hack and Slash skill, I just kept going.  Finally, I hit something.  As soon as the whip found her, it wrapped around her.  It was a perfect example of the rare skill, Binding Weapon. 

I yanked her back, causing her entire body to snap backward.  She managed to twist around and get her daggers ready for me.  I simply Sidestepped her.  Instead of attacking me, she bounced off the roof. 

I executed a Powerful Blow down the whip.  Powerful Blow didn’t work when you were just whipping someone.  However, if you managed to get a person bound, you could send a powerful wave down the whip.  It would lift them several logs into the air and slam them back down. 

Tiles shattered where she impacted. 

Maggie bent unnaturally, trying to get at the whip.  I yanked on her again, bringing her back toward me.  Instead of bringing up her daggers, she got ready to roll with the impact.  I arm barred her, sending her spinning to the ground again. 

She finally remembered her shadow techniques and managed to dislodge my whip.  She rolled over, bringing up her daggers for a counterattack.  All that hadn’t really done much Damage, but I wasn’t trying to do much Damage.  Not yet.

The Assassin lost me in the rapidly dissipating smoke.  She twisted around, throwing a full spread of daggers behind her.  Using Ariel Control, I adjusted my trajectory and came down from above.  I landed knee-first onto her shoulder with an audible crack. 

“You bastard!” she screamed.

“I will break you,” I replied. 

“Stop saying that!” she shrieked. 

Her other arm came around, trying to drive her dagger into my throat.  I caught the arm with one hand and brought my other hand under her elbow.  An absolutely brutal crack echoed around the city.  She stared at the bone protruding from her arm.  I Spartan kicked her off the roof.  That wasn’t a skill.  She just deserved it. 

Maggie bounced off my neighbor’s wall before tumbling the rest of the way down.  To her credit, she managed to land on her feet, mostly.  Then, she began running toward the street.  The look of utter horror in her eyes, as I landed directly in front of her, was something I would treasure always, for about a quarter of a second.

Then, darkness took me.  Well, it wasn’t total darkness.  It was just someone’s hand, someone’s massively large hand. 

“What are you doing to my Ashe?” bellowed a voice one did not want to hear.  An instant later, Sir Dalton, even larger than I remembered him from before, picked me up and flung me across the street.  I landed in Blots’ living room. 

Blots’ house did not have a door leading directly to his living room, at least not before.  It did now.  I had Mitigate, along with a host of other skills and perks designed to reduce Damage.  They didn’t negate attacks that powerful, though. 

●        You are stunned for 30 - 21 seconds.  9 seconds total.

I didn’t have a chance to recover.  Dalton grabbed me by the ankle and slammed me face-first back onto the street.  I didn’t have enough Stamina to resist the combination of poison, Damage, and stun effects. 

Looking around, I saw Zorlando glaring at me.  Fake Ashe was taking comfort in his arms.  SueLeeta was there, as well.  Her new armor was far stealthier than before.  She held my crossbow, a heavy bolt aimed directly at my eye.

A far more immediate concern, however, was Sir Dalton.  He appeared to be expanding past his magical armor’s ability to contain him.  He had a look of pure, unalloyed rage in his eyes. 

“It is only because you were my best friend that I don’t kill you right now,” choked up the big man. 

“She’s an imposter,” I grunted through broken teeth.

“I know my daughters,” stated Sir Dalton, unsheathing his sword.  “Who is this?”  He gestured to the dead Fake Julia.  I actually wondered that myself.  I knew Maggie could make clones of herself, but I didn’t know what the capabilities were.  I learned they were capable of leaving a body, though.

“It's Julia, my dear friend,” stated Fake Ashe.  “She came with Jim.”

Zorlando looked upset.  “I do not understand!  Jim gets angry, but I don’t think he would just try to kill you like this, my heart.”

Fucking Mental Magic. I had Mental Resistance, so I could feel the pressure Maggie exerted on everyone around her.  It made everything she said sound much more believable.  She wasn’t on Bashara’s level, but she didn’t need to be.  By now, a large crowd had formed.  To them, she was a commoner being attacked by an adventurer. 

All she needed to do was tell them something plausible, and I was doomed.

“Please, don’t make me say it, Daddy,” sniffed Maggie.  Her Ashe was perfect.  She looked so betrayed and so hurt that even I felt a twinge. 

Sir Dalton gripped his sword so hard his knuckles turned white.  The look of malice in his eyes was death.  SueLeeta yelled out, “We need to know!  Why did Jim do this to you, Ashe?”

Maggie looked at SueLeeta for a moment.  Finally, she spoke.  “I’m so sorry, Zorlando.  Jim and I were having an affair before he left.  He wanted to pick things back up with Julia and me.  I told him I was with you, but he was insistent.  There was a fight, and she was flung out the window.”

The street was utterly silent for a long moment.  Eventually, a young boy broke the silence.  “Mom, you said that if I didn’t eat my vegetables, my wiener wouldn’t work, just like the Mayor’s.”

His mother nodded.

Fake Ashe glanced around and noticed that Zorlando had stepped back.  His sword was no longer pointing at me.  Sir Dalton's head swiveled around toward Ashe.  “Everyone knows that Jim’s bait and tackle are defective.  Only an imposter wouldn’t know that.”

“No, we had sex all the time,” said Ashe, stepping away.  She bumped into the latest batch of crates that the alchemist had left in my yard.  She looked at the label, read “Erectile Dysfunction Cream”, and turned white.  Her form shifted back into Maggie’s.  “Wait, that isn’t badger food?”

SueLeeta slammed the butt of her crossbow into the back of Maggie’s head.   

Chapter 53 - Finding the Perp

Julia just stared at her corpse.  They had removed it from the spear and broken off the tip, but the results were ghastly.  Of course, the real Julia didn’t look much better.

“So, Julia was able to use her control over Barrier spells to push the town’s barrier away from her,” explained Shart.  I looked over at her.  I was surprised she was walking.  Dumping a ton of Healing Magic into a person did miraculous things.  The problem was that she had done it while the barrier was roasting her.  There were side effects. 

“This is your fault,” she rasped.  Julia’s entire body looked kind of melty but not in a good way.  I know what you are thinking.  “How could there be a good way?”  Trust me, this was worse.  The eye she wasn’t totally blind in focused on me.

She looked like a burned-out shell.  Her hair was gone.  Her skin had been boiling while she healed herself, and it hadn’t come back well.  She reminded me of a burn victim that had died, and a very drunk, unsuccessful mortician had tried their best.  She also smelled horrendous.

I brought up my Regeneration spell and checked the options.  So far, I’d been looking at the trunk of the spell tree.  In any skill tree, the trunk held the skills that took you to the next rank of branches.  For most people, you’d have to pick a branch next, because the next tier was level capped.  I didn’t have level caps.  I was just running down the line until I reached Combat Regeneration.

I was at the Regeneration tier and had earned a few Talent Points from leveling up.  Glancing through the branches, I found True Regeneration and considered it for a moment. 

●        True Regeneration: Regeneration heals all injuries true, restoring Cosmetic Damage, as well as Physical Damage.

I specifically didn’t need that power.  As part of my second-tier body, I always healed true, no matter what.  Since I’d upgraded, the handful of scars I’d picked up on Ordinal had been steadily vanishing.  Now, I looked photoshopped but in a good way. 

Julia would need to find a Cosmetic Healer, which Windfall didn’t have. 

“How many Clerics have True healing?” I asked.

“Aside from Clerics of Logan?” asked Shart.  “None.  Logan only had it because his Clerics tended to run into combat.  They weren’t smart enough to heal themselves after they got out.”

That kind of cinched it.  People always say looks don’t matter, but people lie.  In particular, going from pretty to walking burnt corpse was a big stretch.  Furthermore, this was Ordinal.  I was concerned that someone would see her and mistake her for a zombie.  I selected the option and activated my Treatment skill on Julia.  She frowned or smiled.  I literally could not tell. 

●        Julia: Cleric 44

●        Left eye: 200 point injury, blind.

●        Right arm: 150 point injury, Nerve Damage, -20% sensitivity

Then, I saw something new.

●        Skin, melted: 350 points of healing, persistent injury

●        Fingers, fused: 150 points of healing, persistent injury

●        Hair, removed: 40 points of healing per inch restored.

The cost to heal injuries was always high.  With Regeneration, it wasn’t as high as I remembered.  Fenris’ spine was still in the range of hundreds of thousands of points of healing, well above what I could manage in any realistic timeframe. 

Treatment allowed me to cast Healing spells on specific injuries, but, until now, it hadn’t listed cosmetic ones.   With my new ability in Regeneration, I had gained a greater capacity with Treatment.  I glanced around at SueLeeta and Zorlando.  Both had several three and five point scars. 

I cast Regeneration on Julia, and she started to recover.  I targeted her eye first. 

●        Regeneration: Heals 3 + 3 Endurance, + 10 Charisma (doubled due to perk) per tick.  Tick 5.5 seconds.

It took the better part of two minutes, but, by the end, her eyes were back to their usual hazel color.  She sighed.  I activated Treatment and selected her skin, only to have the <system> kick back that her fingers needed to be treated first. 

In order to heal injuries using True Regeneration, I actually had to touch where I was healing.  I grabbed Julia’s hand and focused on it.  All the fingers had healed together, fusing into one chunk of beefy flesh.  By the time the spell had finished, her hand looked normal.  The effect began running down the rest of her body. 

Her blistered, melted head began to reassemble itself back to normal.  As I had to fix Nerve Damage, the effect slowed.  Even that was just another minute of me concentrating, while the nerves worked themselves out. 

To the people who hadn’t met Julia before, of which there were many, it very much looked like I was copying the body of the corpse.  I distinctly heard some muttering to that effect.

“Jim,” stated SueLeeta, after I’d finished restoring Julia to a healthy, attractive, totally bald, young woman.  “Cueball.”

Julia’s fierce smile vanished, as she slapped her palm onto her head.  “Oh, come on.”

I glanced down at the unconscious Maggie.  Sir Dalton was standing nearby, holding his sword and trying to figure out what to do.  He wanted to kill her, but he also wanted to know where Ashe was.  He could accomplish neither of those things while she was unconscious.

“Zorlando, tie her up,” I said finally.  The former Mercenary Captain did not move.  I stepped toward him, catching the most horrible expression on his face.  I signaled to SueLeeta and moved closer to Zorlando.  “What’s wrong?”

“How long do you think she was impersonating my Ashe?” asked Zorlando, trying to keep his voice smooth.

“Probably several days now,” I responded.  “I'm sure Ashe is still alive, Zorlando.  We will find her.”

“I know she is still alive,” stated Zorlando harshly.  “I mean, I have been sleeping with that for the past several days.”

“Oh,” I said.

“I promised my Ashe that I would never cheat on her,” cried the captain of the Dashing Dandies.  He looked miserable.  “I have broken my word and my Ashe’s heart.”

Part of me wanted to tell Zorlando that Ashe would certainly forgive him.  I knew she would, but I realized something when I looked into his bleak eyes.  He wasn’t saying why he was actually upset.  He hadn’t willingly or knowingly cheated on Ashe.  Maggie had taken advantage of him.   

“You didn’t know.  You couldn’t have known,” I said bluntly.  “Frankly, there is nothing for Ashe to forgive you for.  This didn’t happen because you wanted it to happen.  You were tricked, and it wasn’t your fault.”

Zorlando just looked at me.

“She’s a murderous evil Assassin.  She takes pleasure in causing pain to others.  If she sees you the least bit upset over this, it will give her great joy,” I replied after a moment.  “She will win.  Don’t let her win.” 

He nodded, looked over to SueLeeta, and said, “Give me the rope.  I’m tying this one up.”  That wasn’t going to fix the wounds Maggie had caused Zorlando, but he wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that. 

Chapter 54 - The Rescue

“Those knots seem a bit snug,” said SueLeeta, as I used some herbs and the Treatment skill to reawaken Badgelor.

“Yeah,” I replied, slapping the badger on the side of his face.  After a half-dozen not so gentle slaps, he bit down hard on my finger. 

“You’re lucky I’m letting you keep that,” growled Badgelor. 

“So, Maggie was copying Ashe,” I said conversationally to the badger.

“I figured that out,” stated Badgelor, each word crescendoing, “After she poisoned me!”

“That means we need to find the real Ashe.  You think you can manage that?” I asked.

“She smelled exactly like the real Ashe.  This is going to be a chore,” answered Badgelor. 

“Hey, Dum Dum, why don’t you check the town map?” asked Shart.

Two minutes later, we were moving toward EstherSasha’s house.  I use the term “moving” due to the variety of methods being employed.  Zorlando was sprinting as fast as his newly enhanced adventurer’s legs could take him.  Sir Dalton had hopped on his horse and was moving faster than even Zorlando.  SueLeeta had jumped to the top of a roof and was busily racing, in more or less a straight line, toward the house on the west side of town.

That left Maggie, Julia, and me riding on Badgelor.

“This is right stupid,” growled the badger.

“I agree, but we have to get there quickly,” I replied.

“If you really meant that, you’d be letting me use my Spider Climb amulet,” stated Badgelor.

“When you jump from rooftop to rooftop, you cause an enormous amount of property damage,” I explained. 

“I’ve got that aspect under control now,” stated the badger.

“I bet,” I replied.

We skidded around a corner and came face to face with a street full of people.  We bowled them over, quite literally.  The glowing, golden orb surrounding Badgelor was designed to mold around people without hurting them.

It just so happened that, while running in it, Badgelor looked like a giant gerbil.

“I bet you guys are having a ball,” stated Shart.

“I’m going to kill you,” growled Badgelor.

“See if she’ll give you some sunflower seeds,” chuckled Shart.

“Slowly,” stated Badgelor.

“Shart, quit hampstering it up,” I said, as we turned the final corner and skidded to a stop in front of EstherSasha’s house.  She was relaxing on the front porch.  As Zorlando declared what was going on, her tranquility quickly turned to shock.

However, it was Zorlando.  Even when he was in a hurry, he had to talk.  I hopped off Badgelor and offered my arm to Julia.  She gave me an odd look and hopped down, landing easily. 

“What was that for?” she asked.

“To help you down like a lady,” I replied. 

She burst out laughing.

“You nitwit.  She’s an adventurer.  Offering her a way down is kind of insulting to both of you,” stated Shart.  I rolled my eyes and grabbed for Maggie, which is how I got a dagger in my eye.  Dragon Scales, along with my inherent toughness, left the wound as little more than a cornea laceration.  On Ordinal, it was a quick heal with Regeneration.   

Maggie had been searched for real daggers.  With both her arms broken, I had wrongly assumed that was the end of it.  Unfortunately, I had neglected to check her for shadow forged daggers.  It turned out that she could produce one at will. 

Maggie didn’t stop, though.  She flipped off Badgelor and rushed straight toward the front door of the house.  EstherSasha screamed, as a dagger flew toward her.  Sir Dalton jumped into the path of the weapon, which glanced harmlessly off his armor.

That still didn’t stop the Assassin.  She slid between his horse's legs and continued toward the door.  She finally staggered, as a crossbow bolt slammed through her thigh.  As she stumbled to the ground, Zorlando rammed his sword straight into her belly.  He paused for a moment, then twisted the blade and tore upward.  As he ripped his sword out, most of Maggie’s guts spilled onto the ground.

As Maggie twitched violently, the former Mercenary looked down on her.  With one great furious slice, Zorlando decapitated her.  The body heaved one final twitch, before both sections dissolved like leaves, blowing away in the wind. 

SueLeeta looked at me.  I was pretty sure she was waiting for some moral statement about killing prisoners.  However, it was Maggie, so I just shrugged.  “Good downstroke?”

Shaking her head, SueLeeta walked toward the door, speaking gently to EstherSasha as we passed. 

“Ashe said that she wanted to store something in the room upstairs.  I can’t go up there because of my knees,” stated EstherSasha.  SueLeeta and I looked at the stairs.  Several traps glowed bright in my vision. 

“I’ll go first.  It's trapped,” I said.  Zorlando frowned, but, if nothing else, his military bearing gave him some degree of patience.  I walked over to the first trap and examined it.  It was nothing complicated.  It wasn’t even lethal. 

The step behind it was damaged, though.  When I tried to put weight on it, the step collapsed.  I was forced to catch myself on the railing, which proceeded to crack.  I grumbled, glancing at the stairs with my Engineering skill.

“She’s rigged the entire staircase to collapse,” I stated.

Julia walked up next to the stairs and started praying.  An instant later, the entire staircase glowed golden.  All the Durability Damage vanished from my vision.  “Sabotage skill,” said Julia.  “Mend is a strong counter to it, unless the person using the skill is very careful.”

“Check the basement,” I said to SueLeeta, as Julia and I started creeping up the stairs.  Zorlando was right behind us.  SueLeeta nodded and headed toward the nearby doorway, followed by Badgelor.  Both vanished into the depths. 

“I’ll check the first floor,” Sir Dalton stated.  “I will find my Ashe!”

I hopped over the missing step and continued upward.  Reaching the landing, I saw two doors, each leading to opposite sides of the house.  I pulled open the closest door, and Zorlando pushed past me.  In the middle of the room was a struggling figure.  Before I could do anything, a golden aura covered most of the room.  Julia was casting a powerful Mend spell at it. 

With a closer glance, I discovered the figure was a woman, tied to a chair.  It looked like Ashe had been tied with a bag over her head for God knows how long.  Zorlando was cutting her free.  The sobbing girl was clinging to him for dear life, muffled by the bag.  As Zorlando pulled out his dagger for the delicate work of removing the hood, I felt a pang of jealousy.  Part of me wanted to be the hero, but she was Zorlando’s girl.  By the bro code, I had to let him save his girlfriend from imminent peril.  God knew these Ordinal women did damsel in distress terribly.

Especially Jarra.      

I stepped out to the landing with Julia and sighed.  Ashe was safe, and everything was looking up.  Glancing around, I realized that I could no longer hear Sir Dalton’s massive footsteps from downstairs.  Then, SueLeeta began yelling something from the cellar. 

“Jim, this isn’t Ashe!  It’s EstherSasha,” gasped the former Mercenary. 

“Ashe is tied up down here,” yelled SueLeeta from the cellar.  She was wisely staying clear until someone could check for traps.   

Sir Dalton appeared at the base of the stairs, another Ashe clinging desperately to his arm. 

“Oh, come the fuck on!” I yelled. 

Chapter 55 - Tale of Two Ashes

“So, Maggie can break into at least three forms,” I said.

“Based on her level, along with how far she is into her Path, that is the most probable number.  I can’t check without better access to an actual console,” said Shart.  There was the one he’d built in my head, but, while I could technically access it, I didn’t have anything approaching the same degree of skill he had. 

I dropped out of menutime and spoke to everyone.  “Maggie was making copies of Ashe, Julia, and EstherSasha.  She can change her form on the fly, but doing so costs a large amount of Stamina and Mana.  Based on what we saw, she was always Ashe and EstherSasha.  However, she probably shifted from Julia to other forms while she was causing damage to the city.”

“So, with her Ashe and Julia forms dead,” began SueLeeta, “She changed from EstherSasha into one of these Ashes?”

Twinkle nodded from his spot on the crow’s nest.  I had used my Great General perks to project an image of him in the room.  He was an elf, wise and knowledgeable in all things.  I wanted his perspective, before we picked the wrong person and someone caught fire. 

“That was a desperate move to prevent capture,” Twinkle explained.  “She’s trying to recover her Mana while we waste time figuring out who is who.”  Julia frowned at that.  Her princess magic failed to quickly determine who was who, and she was not taking that defeat well. 

“She uses Mana?” asked Dalton.  It was actually not a stupid question.  Most physical classes used Stamina.  She had grown out of a Rogue class, so she should be using Stamina for most of her abilities.

“Shadow Assassin is a path that allows Rogues to use Shadow Mana,” said Twinkle, and everyone present hissed.  Julia and Dalton made the sign of Grebthar to ward off the Shadow.  Shadow Mana was, for lack of a better word, evil. 

In the simplest possible terms, Shadow Mana opposed Holy Mana.  Holy Mana was spiritual in nature.  It was, more or less, what your soul was composed of.  Shadow Mana was the opposite of that.  It didn’t just want you dead; it wanted your very essence ground into nothingness.  Normally, living people couldn’t access Shadow Mana at all.  For Maggie to cultivate it, she had done some truly awful things in her life. 

“Could I just drain her of Shadow Mana?” I sent to Shart. 

“I’m sure there is a Path that could.  Your jury-rigged Magical Absorption skill is not developed enough to do it safely,” said Shart.

“Meaning?” I asked.

“If you picked the wrong girl, you would likely tear out their soul,” replied the demon. 

“Great, let’s keep thinking then,” I said. 

We had marched back to the town hall, depositing both Ashes in the main hall.  It would have been impossible to do an investigation in EstherSasha’s house.  The entire building was no longer structurally sound.  At least we’d been able to free EstherSasha.  On the way to the hall, we had procured her a room at the Golden Badger.  She was safe and resting.   

Both Ashes were sitting in town councilor chairs, glaring at each other.  Zorlando and Sir Dalton were taking turns grilling them.  Julia was casting some high-level detection spell, and I had Enhanced Senses active.  Badgelor was even sniffing both of them with Hunting Dog 33, SueLeeta’s latest pet. 

“So, nothing,” I hissed at Shart.

“Look, I don’t have access to many tools back here, and Maggie is a Shadow Assassin.  They make perfect clones,” he said.  “Her mid-level class abilities are to make a perfect, undetectable clone of another person.  How is this that hard to understand?” 

“It can’t be perfect!  Nothing is perfect,” I replied.

“Well, then, as close to perfect as possible,” stated Shart.  “Look, she’s had Ashe long enough to download her character sheet.  She doesn’t even know she’s Maggie anymore.”

“What?” I asked.

“She’s totally let Ashe dominate her personality,” stated Shart.  “It's a trick for when you get captured.  Even detailed mind reading would only show Ashe’s personality.  The effect wears off after a while, but, by then, the heat is usually off.”

“Can anything trigger the spell to wear off?” I asked.

“Usually, some mental trigger causes a lapse, like when she knows she’s safe or when she is in significant danger,” said Shart.

“Can we use the dead clones for anything?” I asked.

“No, Dum Dum.  If one of them was alive, you might be able to contrast and compare.  With both clones dead, you are going to have to do this the hard way,” said Shart.

“Could we just torture one of them?” I asked very reluctantly.

“No,” replied Badgelor.  “First off, you’d crack before she did, and she knows that.  Secondly, the amount of Damage you’d have to do to break Maggie would be lethal to Ashe.”

“Third, you’d need to do them both at the same time,” continued Shart.  “That way, you could inflict the least amount of Damage before they broke.”  I glanced at Zorlando and Dalton.  Even I wasn’t stupid enough to broach that idea.  I started wracking my brain for another way to reveal the real Ashe.   

“So, how did we get here?” asked SueLeeta, plopping down next to me. 

“Maggie the Assassin was here to kill me,” I responded. 

SueLeeta nodded like it was the most natural statement in the world.  “You attracted another Assassin?”

“Yup, but she was actually a good one,” I said.  “One of her abilities allowed her to split into three copies.  Two of them apparently looked like Ashe and Julia.  She had a third running around as EstherSasha.”

“I should have known,” sighed SueLeeta.  I raised an eyebrow, so she continued.  “When we got back to town, the first thing Dalton wanted was some reasonable food.  Our first stop was EstherSasha’s.  Ever since we left Windfall, he has been pining for her eggs.  Well, she took forever to prepare the food.  Then, she abruptly finished and sent us to your place.”

“Maggie had to have had one clone that changed shapes.  It was the only way to get into places she shouldn’t,” I ventured.

“She’s a Shadow Assassin.  Changing shapes is taxing, unless you are very familiar with the shape,” said Julia, walking over.  “It's common practice to pick a shape and stick with it.  If you keep it long enough, you don’t have to pay a Stamina cost to maintain it.”

“Boy, we sure did miss some excitement,” stated SueLeeta.  “I’m assuming the accidents around town are all related to this?”

“You’ve heard about those?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s all anyone in town can talk about.  That, and you bringing freakin Toomen Masterbrooke back,” she answered.  “You’ve certainly had a busy day or two.”

“Yeah, I guess I have,” I responded, smiling shyly.  “The accidents can be put down to bad luck.”

“That seems unlikely,” said SueLeeta.

“No, I mean literally.  She can manifest Bad Luck as an ability,” I replied.

“Well, that sucks,” stated SueLeeta, fiddling with the Scorpow.

“You aren’t giving that back, are you?” I asked, indicating my bow.

“No, you keep losing things,” she replied, grinning.  Julia smiled slightly at that, causing SueLeeta to frown at her.  Both women spent a moment glaring at each other, before SueLeeta went to talk to Zorlando.

“I do not like that woman,” said Julia.

“You don’t seem to like any other woman,” I replied.

“She has something else planned,” stated the princess, watching SueLeeta walk over to one of the Ashes.  The Hunter whispered something in her ear.  Nothing happened.  As she continued to whisper, Ashe finally screamed.  Her hands went quickly for SueLeeta’s throat.

SueLeeta caught them and waved down Zorlando.  “I don’t think she is the imposter.”

“What is she whispering?” asked Julia

Sir Dalton frowned.  “Something private.”

SueLeeta walked over to the other Ashe and repeated the process, taking longer this time.  Finally, the other Ashe screamed and tried to strangle SueLeeta. 

SueLeeta looked imploringly at me.  Her gambit had failed.  “Feck!”

Zorlando was beside himself.  “I have asked her about all our most intimate moments.  I was careful to ensure that each version only heard part of our whirlwind romance story.  I thought that surely only one could fill in the details.  Both know everything.  I, Zorlando, am at a total loss.”

“Are shadow clones a skill or magic?” I asked.

“A bit of both,” replied Julia.  “She has a Mana pool, but, until her actual shape changes, the Mana is pooled into her own body.”

“And you can’t Counterspell Mana,” I groaned.  The Counterspell skill affected magic, which was the product of worked Mana.  Basically, Counterspell would reach into a spell and damage the conversion process.  That typically made the spell less effective or caused it to fail outright.  By infusing the Mana directly into her body, it never really left her Mana network.  There was nothing for me to counter.

SueLeeta plopped down next to me, still keeping her eyes on the twins.  She looked taller than I remembered, indicating that she’d gained a few more levels since I’d last seen her.  PVP was the fastest way to power level on Ordinal, and she’d been in a war zone.     

●        SueLeeta: Hunter, Level 39, Path of the Pack

“Path of the Pack?” I asked.

SueLeeta frowned.  “I do so love that you can read my status bar, but I cannot read yours.”

“Annoying, isn’t it?” asked Julia.  “Lofty Remorts are far more capable than us lesser mortals.”

SueLeeta considered that for a moment and nodded.  “That would explain a lot, actually.  So, was your first Remort before you claimed Windfall, or was this just the next step on your journey?” 

Julia glanced over at SueLeeta with barely concealed interest.  Then, she looked at me.  I, of course, said nothing. 

“It has to have been several,” stated Julia finally.  “There is no other way to explain all the skills he possesses.”

SueLeeta opened her mouth to say something, then seemed to remember Julia was there.  She promptly closed it with an audible click.  That was not lost on Julia, who’s nose crinkled at the obvious omission.  The princess frowned, waiting for more information.  She looked over at me consideringly.  The obvious “We’ll talk later,” look she gave SueLeeta closed the subject.  The door swung open, and a gaggle of girls strolled into the town hall.  They all paused, looking askance at their newfound twin sisters. 

Julia twitched as one of the girls started to sing, but Dalton stopped her.  We already knew Ashe’s skills carried over to Maggie.  A song wasn’t going to help this time.  While the girls began peppering the Ashes with questions, I noticed that SueLeeta’s attention had focused entirely on Sir Dalton.  She wasn’t even looking at him like a piece of meat anymore.  I thought I saw concern in her eyes.  She didn’t get along with Ashe or any of the other Dalton daughters, but she didn’t bear them any significant animosity either.  They were just obstacles in her path.

Rose was busy trying to herd young women, as they each began the earnest questioning of Ashes.  I glanced through all of them and noticed only Hansa missing.  I slowed time and examined my map, finding her still on the Nosebleed with Glorious Robert and the crew. 

“Why are you back?” I asked SueLeeta. 

SueLeeta glanced over at that.  “The Storm King came onto the field.  Most of TimSimon’s army broke.”

“Is he fighting all by himself now?” I asked.

“Of course, he is.  Mind you, as soon as the Storm King actually started fighting, his own army fell back as well,” stated SueLeeta.

“How bad is it?” I asked.

“Seriously?  You see the storm, right?” she asked.

“The tropical storm?” I questioned, realizing that all the unusual weather was the first time I had seen any kind of weather change on Ordinal.  “Wait, he summoned the entire storm?”

“He has Toomen’s hammer,” said Julia.  “That’s just one of its powers.  If you use the hammer in combat, it summons storms to amplify its lightning-based powers.”

“I wonder if there are any other surprises.  I suppose we could ask Toomen.  He’s asleep in the Golden Badger,” I said.  According to Shart, that was a side effect of being turned into stone for a thousand years.

SueLeeta’s eyebrows raised.  “Yeah, because napping in an inn would be first on my to-do list after being reawakened.  Seriously, I can’t believe you raised Toomen Masterbrooke.  He’s the man with the million-gold-piece body.”

“He is the Mayor of Windfall,” said Sir Dalton confidently. 

“Point,” replied SueLeeta.  Julia sighed.

“That hammer sounds like Mjölner,” I said.

SueLeeta looked at me, and Julia’s eyes narrowed.  The princess sighed.  “Yup, that would be the name of the unpronounceable hammer.  My favorite part of hanging around with you is when you bring up all the ancient knowledge known only to the royal family.  I like when you casually drop it into conversations.  It’s fun.”

“Seriously?  He didn’t even know what Grebthar Day was,” said SueLeeta.

“I think he has a skill designed to give me grey hairs,” stated Julia, shaking her head. 

“Preach, sister,” grinned SueLeeta, as Julia raised an eyebrow.  SueLeeta spotted the robe, and her eyes went wide.  She realized she’d stepped in it.  “Or not.”

“Would you like to know more about our lord and savior?” smiled Julia, causing SueLeeta to flinch away uncomfortably.  Julia responded by looking questioningly at her.

“I had a crisis of faith recently,” SueLeeta responded.  Sir Dalton looked sad for a moment.  Then, his resolve kicked back in, full force. 

“I don’t see Hansa,” I said, looking around.  I already knew where she was, but I was hoping it would start a conversation that I could gain more facts from.

“She stayed on ze ship.  Gloriouz Robert iz still doing a final inzpection before he put ze Nozebleed into drydock.  Ze ship haz zome damage,” explained Rose, as she leaned against the nearby railing.

SueLeeta’s eyebrows furrowed.  “Wasn’t the ship named the Baldwin?”

“Jim repaired ze Precurzor vezzel,” said Rose.

“He is the Mayor,” replied SueLeeta, causing Julia to sigh again.  She was quickly developing a problem with sighing.

“How did the war go?” I asked, and SueLeeta rolled her eyes.

“Wars are always stupid, if that’s what you’re asking,” responded SueLeeta, reaching down to fiddle with her crossbow.  “It went badly.  It was far more deadly than we had any right to expect.  I mean, I know HarCharles is crazy, but I think he’s trying to capture the sword.  Not even Toomen could wield the hammer and sword, so what he’s doing is beyond crazy.”

“Is he that crazy?” I asked.

“Only a god could wield both simultaneously,” said SueLeeta. 

“Ah,” I said.  We didn’t have time for this, then. 

“How many adventurers were killed?” asked Julia uncomfortably.

“Planning another conquest?” asked SueLeeta.  Julia frowned deeply, but SueLeeta continued.  “Too many.  I doubt either nation will be able to recover from this for a generation.”

Julia started calculating.  I asked, “Are you seriously planning on conquering them?”

Julia rolled her eyes.  “Jim, there are monsters.”.

That was the part of Ordinal that always messed me up.  There should be more people, trade, cities, and every other thing that represented human civilization.  However, there wasn’t, and it was all because of the monsters.  Mystical Lore had provided me with some answers that Shart had declined to give.  It summed up that some areas were just much more likely to spawn monsters. 

“The people are going to get overrun,” I said. 

“It's going to be bad,” stated Julia, adopting a faraway look.  “Because there will be no one to deal with the monsters, they will start overrunning the smaller settlements inside a year.  The larger cities will be under siege in two.

“So, it's like the drop bears all over again,” I said.  When I’d first respawned, we’d found a mountain covered in drop bears.  They were vicious little challenges then, but the current me could wipe them out in massive numbers.  Yet, despite that, no adventurers had bothered to try, due to the Falconian Civil War.  Because no one was pruning them down, the drop bears had overrun the entire mountain, threatening to spill out into the city. 

That was just one mountain.  We were talking about the entire continent.

“What’s with the elf?” asked SueLeeta.  

“That would be Twinkle,” I replied.

“He iz trying to convinze Gloriouz Robert to head to the LOOK OUT!” stated Rose.

“I figured as much,” I replied.  When Twinkle hadn’t offered to come with me, I knew he was angling for something.  After all, Glorious Robert was the captain.  If Twinkle could pay for the trip, I was sure the Man at Arms would happily sail that far.

The problem with letting a ship rot in harbor was that you could be out using it.  I was sure Blots could come up with something we could sell over at the LOOK OUT! 

I glanced over and watched the girls go after the Ashes in a dozen different ways.  None of them worked.  Little songs, anecdotes, and even secrets that they shared provided no insight on which was the real Ashe.  I spotted their father brooding, as he tried to ponder his way out of our predicament.  

“Dalton,” I said, walking over.  Concern didn’t fit well onto the typically pompous man, and I almost felt sorry for him.  No, scratch that.  I did feel sorry for him.  He wasn’t worried about himself at all.  He was worried about his kid. 

“Jim,” stated Dalton, sounding almost defeated.  “I need your help.”

“Of course,” I replied, letting Dalton lead me a few feet away.  His daughters’ conversation had abruptly ended, and all of them were looking in any direction except ours.  When he was sure we couldn’t be overheard, he began.

“Jim, I don’t know how to deal with failure,” stated Dalton, and my heart felt for the guy.  He continued, “You fail all the time, so I know you must be used to it.  How do you handle it?”

“I don’t fail all the time,” I replied stiffly.

“Okay, almost all the time,” stated Dalton, “Like, right now.  I’m asking for help, and you are failing to give it.”

“He’s got you there, Dum Dum,” griped Shart. 

I sighed.  Dalton was impossible.  “Okay, why do you think you are failing?”

“I, Detective Dalton, am unable to crack this case,” stated Dalton sadly.  “I love each of my daughters with all of my enormous heart, and my attention to detail is known throughout the land.”

“No one spots small little things like Dalton,” I chorused.

“We all know the song,” stated Dalton quickly.  “It's just, each Ashe is so perfect.  Even with my stupendous Perception, I cannot tell the difference.”

“I can’t, either,” I said.

“Well, of course you can’t,” said Dalton.  “However, I am me.  I should be able to tell.  The feats of Sir Dalton are legendary, yet I cannot discern something so important.  I have failed as a father.”

I was about to say something cutting, but one look at Dalton’s sad, beautiful eyes stopped me.  I realized that if I did, I’d LeFook this up badly.  It was just impossible to stay mad at someone so earnest.  “Do you have any ideas?”

Dalton looked down.  “I don’t know.  We’ve tried skills, spells, and even heartfelt questions.  Heck, the girls even sang a song with both of them.”

“What’s left?” I asked.

“I wonder if one of them has a contraption?”

●        Status Effect: You are suffering from a brain aneurysm caused by sheer stupidity.

“That’s not a real status message,” I spat at Shart.

“Dalton figured it out before you,” replied the demon. 

I sighed, turning to Julia.  “Is Maggie’s copy of Ashe exact?”

“Yeah, I guess,” replied the princess.  “It's based on her own memories and Mana flows.”

“That’s not exact then,” I said.  “She’s not going to remember every single part of her own body, and the Mana flows of a non-caster aren’t particularly stable.”

“They are also not very strong,” stated Julia.  “Trust me, a woman knows every part of her own body that she can see.  That’s all it takes for that skill to make a perfect clone.”

“What about the back of her own head?” I asked.

“Jim,” said SueLeeta, slapping at my arm.

“I mean, if we had an exact copy of Ashe’s head, we could use the hat measuring thingy to figure out which one isn’t the real Ashe,” I explained.

“It's going to conform to whichever head gets put in first,” said Julia.

“That’s true, unless she had one of those dummy heads made.  Ashe always liked to help Hansa,” I said, turning to Lutal.  “Did Hansa make a copy of Ashe’s head?”

“I don’t know.  You’d have to ask Margwal; she knows more about it than I do,” stated Lutal. 

“What?” questioned the eternally pale woman.  “I get that Hansa is a bit special, but I doubt she has copies of peoples’ heads just lying around.”

“What about using the hat measureometer?” I asked.  “Copies can be made with it.”

Margwal looked at me like I was crazy.  Lutal chimed in, “It's based on your watermelon device.”

“Oh, yes, I remember Hansa talking about that,” smiled Margwal.  Suddenly, her eyes shot open.  “Wait, she built the measureometer out of my huskatron?  That thing was designed to remove the outer layer of whatever you put into it!  No one would be stupid enough to put their head inside something like that,” said Margwal.

Julia looked over at me and shook her head. 

“You’d have to be a total idiot,” I replied, “but does she have them?”

“I suppose she could have some, given what I now know.  Wait, did you put your head into that thing?  Willingly?” asked Margwal. 

“Yeah, I’m not bright,” I answered.  I could hear Shart guffawing.  I didn’t mention that Lutal had said several of Hansa’s sisters also had their heads measured.  The reason for that was actually quite simple. Hansa was weaponized cuteness.  She could convince Quagmire to put his business into a cigar trimmer.  Convincing her sisters to get their heads measured would have been simple compared to that. 

Turning back to SueLeeta and Julia, I said, “All we need to do is get Ashe’s dummy head.  We put it into the machine and calibrate it.  Then, the real Ashe gets a close shave, and the fake Ashe gets-”

“It's going to rip off the outer layer of her skull,” stated Margwal.  “There will be blood and brains everywhere.

“Blood and brains?  I’m in,” stated Badgelor.

“Lutal, go get me the fake head and the measureometer.  In a few minutes, we’ll have this mystery solved.” 

Once again, technology was solving my problems.  I sighed, stretching out my back.  I looked over at the rest of Dalton’s daughters.  Even now, they were grilling both Ashes.  They weren’t having any success, but things were still looking up.

●        Army of Windfall: Priority Notice.

Damn it.

I brought up the message.  An image of Glorious Robert appeared before me.  As he appeared, Dalton and Zorlando walked over to us.

“What’s up?” I asked, as Julia blinked at the image. 

“We have a problem, Mayor,” said Glorious Robert.  He didn’t like calling me Jim when important stuff was happening.  “We just spotted at least four ships heading toward our harbor.  You might want to bring the barrier back up.”

“I can’t.  It's broken,” I replied.

“Oh,” said Glorious Robert, “I see.  Then, you might want to tell Zorlando to get the army ready.  They aren’t friendly.”

Chapter 56 - It’s a Jim Thing

“Cut the damn lines,” called Glorious Robert, as he strolled across the deck of his ship.  They had been preparing the Nosebleed to go into dry dock.  Now was not the time he wanted to be thrown into action. 

He spotted Hansa, trying to get the starboard turrets unpacked and reassembled.  With the ship about to dock, he’d had them pulled for a reworking.  Inside the barrier, it wouldn’t have mattered.  With the barrier down, his ship was totally unarmed.

“We are going straight into combat,” said Glorious Robert.  “I need you off the ship.”

“You won’t be able to get these turrets readied without me,” stated Hansa.

“We’ll manage,” replied the captain.

Hansa looked around, watching the crew briskly move.  Everyone had their hands full, getting the ship ready for action.  She had been helping the same crew ever since the keel of the Baldwin was laid down.  Hansa glared at Glorious Robert in a thoroughly uncute way.  “I’m staying.  If you want me off the ship, you’ll have to throw me overboard.”

For a moment, he considered it.  He knew better than to actually do it.  No one knew his weapons like she did, and they were going into combat.  However, if anything happened to Hansa, Splendid Gloria would kill him.  Despite any issues she had with Hansa’s unusual tendencies, she loved that girl like a daughter.

“Fine, just keep yourself safe,” agreed Glorious Robert.  “Stay out of any fighting on deck.” 

“Hawk riders,” called out a watchman from the crow’s nest.  “There are dozens of them in the distance.” 

“Elf, if you help me fight them off, I’ll agree to your quest,” yelled the old Fisherman. 

Twinkle stopped his slink down the dock.  He considered his options.  Sighing, he turned around and hopped back on the boat.  Of course!  I’d be happy to help.”

“Yeah,” grumbled Glorious Robert.  Elves were nothing if not cowards.  They were nearly immortal beings who didn’t like fighting for human causes.  The elf had spent the entire sailing trip trying to convince Glorious Robert to take him to the LOOK OUT!  If that wasn’t feasible, he was willing to settle for as close as possible.  Glorious Robert had not been inclined to agree.  It would take too long and keep him away from his hot, young wife.  However, if it was a choice between the LOOK OUT! and having his boat sunk in battle, he’d just have to miss her for a while. 

Heck, maybe she’d come along.  He would probably have to get a proper bed installed, but it was a possibility.  If nothing happened to Hansa, Sir Dalton wouldn’t even pull his spine apart.  If he was very lucky, he might even get to use his unharmed anatomy with his splendid wife.

As Glorious Robert watched, two of the three wings of hawks headed north.  They were flying overland, toward the city.  The final flight moved to block him from advancing on the rest of the fleet, as if he’d do that.  Unless that fleet had a bunch more marines than was sane to have, they couldn’t do anything to Windfall. 

***

“And you said I was insane,” purred the queen, as her boytoy frowned.

“I said it was insane to pick up that many marines,” Stormwind groused. 

“You aren’t upset about the number.  You are upset over how much we are paying them,” she chuckled.

He frowned.  “All those bonuses are coming out of our treasure, love.”

“You don’t get good Falconian boys to burn down Windfall on the cheap,” she replied. “Plus, if we can occupy it-”

Someone knocked on the door, and a young sailor entered.  “Queen, we have positively identified the ship in the harbor.  It is of Progenitor make.”  The queen nodded, and the sailor exited her cabin.

“How did they get a Progenitor ship sailing?” grumbled the Druid.

The queen hushed him.  “Love, it is Windfall, Land of Legend.  They were bound to have a few tricks in their arsenal.  It’s fine.  It's not like the Mayor is there.”

Not that it would matter.  We need that orb.  We are far too committed now.

Stormwind cinched a belt and looked at the queen levelly.  They didn’t have much of a choice.  They had sunk everything they had into this.  On one roll of the die, the queen was either going to upend eight centuries of Falconian succession or she was going to die trying. 

“Fine,” he replied.

His queen let her mask slip.  She grabbed the large man and gave him a powerful kiss. “This will go fine.  It's a simple smash and grab, unless things go very well.”

Stormwind rolled his eyes.  “We are attacking Windfall.  Our men don’t like it.”

“It's not like we are going to be fighting the real Dashing Dandies, building by building,” she chuckled.

Stormwind smiled.  “I suppose.  After all, they aren’t troll fighters.  Those squatters won’t know what hit them.”

***

“You idiot!’ stated Julia.  “You broke your own barrier.”

“To save you,” I replied.

Julia paused at that.  After a moment, she shook her head and shouted, “Windfall is more important than I am!”

“Maybe,” I replied coolly, “but I didn’t know it was an either-or scenario when I decided.  Besides, they aren’t going to be able to take the town.”

Julia glared at me.  “You said their forces outnumber yours.  They are going to have troop ships, and my cousin is with them.  I’m also fairly positive they have a rookery.” 

Sometimes having too much information was a bad thing.  My detailed map showed the incoming fleet with entirely too much detail.  There was the massive ship at the center of the formation and multiple troop carriers on either side. 

“So, they are going to land troops.  We’ll handle them,” I stated.

“I saw two ships.  That should be about 500 marines.  You can bet that every one of them is a veteran,” Julia glowered.

“I have the Dashing Dandies,” I replied.

“Oh, you think your men can fight trolls. . .” Julia trailed off.  They, in fact, could.

“Zorlando, why does she insist on bringing up trolls?” I asked.

“Because I, Zorlando, have trained the Dandies to fight trolls,” stated Zorlando.  I blinked at him. Gonna just have to let that one go. 

“It's Jim,” stated SueLeeta, leaving unsaid the part about explaining things like you are talking to an idiot from the sticks. 

“Wow, really?” exclaimed Zorlando, smoothing his moustache.  “Veteran companies of men say they can fight the undead.  Elite units say they can fight trolls.”  With that, he put his hands on his hips.  His cape fluttered behind him in a non-existent breeze.  That has to be a skill. 

“It's not a brag,” said Zorlando peevishly.  “The Dashing Dandies can fight trolls.  We are not worried about marines.”

“Can many Falconian units fight trolls?” I asked.

“Some, a few,” stated Julia, “Okay, just the King’s Guard.”

“There are 100 soldiers in the King’s Guard,” said Zorlando helpfully.

“They have been training for years,” smiled Julia.  “Would you care to explain how your men have done this so quickly?”

“Well, Jim is the Mayor of Windfall,” began Zorlando.  Julia rolled her eyes.  “We have been fighting trolls exclusively for the past several weeks.  Also, Jim is a Great General.”

“Ha,” said Sir Dalton, “You had me going there, friend.  If Jim was a Great General, he’d be able to project a Battle Map.”

I didn’t know I could do that.  By focusing on the ground, I caused a large, blue, glowing 3D map to appear.  The positions of all units were highlighted on the field.  Sir Dalton’s jaw dropped, and Julia looked like she was about to explode.  SueLeeta put a hand on the princess’ shoulder.  “It's a Jim thing.”

Chapter 57 - The Battle for Windfall

Glorious Robert growled.  The Nosebleed had finally gotten under sail, sliding out of the harbor far slower than he would have liked.  Hansa was still working on the number three turret, and the crew was antsy.  Glorious Robert wasn’t, though.  The old Basstowner had been in more than a few fights with other ships.  Thankfully, he was armed for it this time.

Another bolt glanced off the hull, as the Nosebleed moved further toward the open sea.  The most important issue with shipboard armaments was deciding how you wanted to divvy up your storage.  You needed to figure out how much ammunition you should have to fight monsters and how much you needed to deal with humans.  The Nosebleed had a hold stuffed with a dozen types of anti-monster shot.  It was nearly worthless against the hardened armor a ship carried.

However, Glorious Robert wasn’t a fool.  He’d had Hansa crafting bolts specifically designed to deal with Pirates ever since they’d boarded the Nosebleed.  Anyone stupid enough to attack his boat was going to get a broadside of anti-ship bolts.  Hansa’s additions would, hopefully, be enough to turn the tide.

He doubted it, though.  The Pirates' two fishing boats were angling toward him, while the larger transport ships were heading to the shore.  The fishing boats were smaller and less nimble than his Progenitor ship, but they appeared more heavily armed.  He couldn’t reply effectively at this range.  

“Incoming,” someone yelled, as another bolt came winging toward them.  This one had just enough loft to head straight into the crowded deck.  Just as the bolt reached the ship, the elf materialized next to it.  He quickly slapped both palms into the projectile.  That changed the angle it came in slightly, causing the shot to slam into Glorious Robert’s day cabin.  From there, it bounced off the metal structure.

Glorious Robert was about to laugh at the folly of attacking a Precursor vessel with ballista bolts.  Then, he heard a disturbing, hissing sound.  Stepping over to the noise, he saw a troubling sight.  The tip of the ballista bolt was eating into the deck of the ship, its acid payload bubbling loudly. 

Shaking his head, Glorious Robert considered his options.  They could use firefighting equipment on it, diluting the acid enough to stop it from harming the hull.

Hansa looked at the blot on her perfect hull and yelled, “How in the hell?”

“An acid bolt for use against metal sea monsters,” growled Glorious Robert.  “They probably have piles of them in their hold.”

“I was counting on us being able to outlast them,” whispered Hansa. 

Gesturing toward the sea, Glorious Robert yelled, “We’ll get sunk if we stay here, and we can’t do anything about those transports.  Windfall is on its own!  Let's see if we can deal with their fishing boats in open water!”

***

“Unopposed,” laughed the queen, “So much for the Grand Fleet of Windfall.”  She was watching her two fishing boats square off against Windfall’s single defender.  The enemy ship had more speed than either of her fishing boats, but her ships were able to crowd it out.  They had enabled her landing ships to get into position. 

She missed Stormwind, but, given the nature of the battle, there was little benefit to having him with her.  If she had to go ashore, everything was in the pot already.  Windfall was just far enough inland that they would have to land and deploy ground forces.  It was the only way to occupy the area.  Windfall’s singular dock looked unsafe for a mass landing, but they had come up with a solution. 

As the two transports grew closer, she saw Stormwind gathering clouds above him.  He was drawing power away from them and the ocean.  Once his spell activated, both transport ships would be locked in ice. 

To the unenlightened, that might have seemed problematic.  However, the ships would break free when the magical ice expired.  The men, on the other hand, were already sliding down the sides of the ship and landing on the ice.  Instantly, they began running toward the shore, covering the distance far faster than a longboat could manage.  They were also able to move in greater numbers. 

The big guy was on deck now, a half-dozen of the queen’s sailors holding the massive chains attached to his neck.  One very unfortunate man pressed the key into the collar’s lock.  The chains snapped free, and the creature dashed forward.  He launched himself off the deck of the ship and, in one massive leap, crossed halfway to the shore. 

“Stormwind’s luck better hold up,” she prayed. 

***

“They landed,” I said, gesturing toward the Battle Map.  The pale red dots of enemy units were still visible at our range, though they were somewhat obstructed by the fog of war.  The Dashing Dandies were already formed up. 

“If you bring in your militia, you’ll significantly outnumber them,” stated Julia, watching the map.

“Our militia would be cut down in great numbers,” replied Zorlando.  The forces I had in Windfall consisted of the Dashing Dandies, the officers, and the militia.  The Dashing Dandies were a professional military organization, fully ready to stare death in the face.  The militia was composed of any Windfall citizen who wanted to practice militia skills for the Hit Point boost. 

The new component, the Army of Windfall, was about a day out.  In practical terms, they might as well have been on the far side of the moon. 

The officers were another wildcard.  The additional buildings I had added to the barracks made them extremely effective warriors in their own right.  In fact, Ashe, Margwal, and several more of Dalton’s daughters were included in the Windfall officer core, as NCOs of various stripes. 

Jarra had been the head of our healer corp. 

I exhaled, scanning the field and shaking my head.  “There is no need.  The Dashing Dandies can defeat their forces with ease.”

Zorlando slowly turned his head and coughed.  “I, Zorlando, appreciate your confidence in the Dashing Dandies and their glorious, handsome leader.  Perhaps we should consider bringing in at least some militia forces when we fight them in the field.”

“We aren’t fighting them in the field,” I said, glancing down at the location Zorlando was proposing.

“Jim, we have a wall,” stated Zorlando lamely.

“They have a Druid.  He just froze all the water from their ships to the shore,” I replied. “Our wall will be meaningless.”

“Well, then?” questioned Julia.  “Where are you going to fight them?”

“In Windfall,” I replied.

“That’s insane,” stated Julia.  “How do you expect that to work?”

“Because I’m the Mayor of Windfall,” I replied, “And I will make it work.”

***

The queen glanced down at her Battle Map and nodded.  The magical Battle Map had cost her a pretty penny, but it was as close to real time as she could get.  The information it showed her was invaluable.  She could use it to send orders to her men, thus allowing them to respond more quickly.  That close communication loop had allowed her marines to sack more than one coastal town, long before the defenders could even get their own forces into position.

“This was worse,” she thought. 

Windfall wasn’t ready at all.  Her hawk riders were in position and beginning to pepper the city with light munitions.  They didn’t carry enough weapons to deal a decisive blow.  Instead, they spent their time observing troop movements, which further increased the details on her map. 

Even now, scattered squatters armed with bows were getting to the walls.  Windfall was old enough to have turrets located throughout the city, keeping airborne attacks somewhat limited.  That restricted some of her hawks’ movements, but they were high enough that she was unconcerned.  The queen had never intended for the hawks to do much more than observe. 

As Stormwind reached the southern wall, he caused massive earthen ramps to appear.  The queen’s men ran straight up to and over the wall.  This particular wall hadn’t even been defended yet.  Her hawks had placed the south as being mostly uninhabited.  Getting past the walls with no casualties told her that there was no competent force to defend the town.

She wasn’t positive yet, so she kept her own forces somewhat concentrated.  Even with her Battle Map, it was a monumental challenge to keep all her forces perfectly aligned.  For one thing, the map was flat.  For another, the real time info was based on what her hawks could actually see.  She had several flying over the area her forces were deployed in, but there were always places that lacked a good line of sight. The regular marines were not scouts, so they couldn’t transmit information back to her map.

All in all, she still had a much better view of what she was doing than most field commanders.  Her quest had just updated, so she knew her target was in the town somewhere.  As her forces plowed through the city, she was almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.

***

I glanced down at my 3D Battle Map, waiting patiently.  In Windfall, my map was perfect, showing everything.  All my soldiers were shown, all the enemy soldiers were shown, and all the hawks flying above were shown. 

Sparing a moment, I glanced at Julia.  She was staring directly at me.  I thought she was trying to project an image of calmness.  However, as they’d entered the town proper, the marines had started a few fires.  I thought that had jangled her nerves. 

The information I had told me a few things.  For one, the enemy commander’s communication loop was less than thirty seconds.  Also, I knew the enemy commander was relying on those hawks to keep her appraised of the battle.  Finally, the commander was heading directly to the town square, meaning she probably was coming to rescue Maggie. 

Armed with that knowledge, all I had to do was wait until her forces got to the herb garden.

***

“One point to starboard!  I want that boat,” yelled Glorious Robert.  The Nosebleed began to shift, bringing one of the Pirates’ fishing boats in line with two of its remaining turrets.  In an effort to pull his teeth, the damnably accurate pirates had already destroyed the other two turrets.  The Pirates had four turrets on each of their sides, and they had brought everything they could to bear as he closed. 

“Wait for it,” he said confidently.  He sounded far more certain than he felt.  He was hoping to spook the enemy ship into firing a bit early, but he didn’t have any real confidence in that.  The longer the range, the more of a power drop ballistas suffered, and he didn’t have Jim there to supercharge the shots. 

He also didn’t have Julia to put up barriers.  His precious ship was going to get destroyed.

Suddenly, Hansa’s arm shot up.  She had the long-range thingamadoo out and was watching the enemy ship.  She was trying to gauge the optimal range and aiming of the Nosebleed’s shots.  The hand was the first part of her signal.  All at once, the enemy ship fired a full broadside of their ballista.

“Release,” replied Glorious Robert.  By no means were ballista bolts magical arrows.  They took time to travel the distance.  It was better to get his shots off before his ship took damage. 

One of the Pirates’ shots went wide, slamming through waves and vanishing into the ocean.  The second slammed low into the Nosebleed’s hull, lacking enough power to do more than dent the metal.  The acid was washed away by the sea before it could do any harm.  The third bolt bounced off the deck, catching an unfortunate sailor on the hip.

An adventurer might survive hundreds of points of Damage.  The Nosebleed’s sailor just exploded.

After bouncing off the water, the final bolt came in.  It, too, was aiming for the deck, straight where Hansa was overseeing the ballista reloading.  Time seemed to slow down.  The projectile tracked toward the young woman, who’s bright red hair shone like fire over the sea.

It was too close.  It was far too close.  She was going to die.  At the last possible second, Twinkle slammed his palm into the bolt, sending it upward.  It flew over Hansa’s head, past the Nosebleed, and into the ocean.  As the acid melted Twinkle's flesh, his palms began to smoke.  The poor elf looked like he was about to scream.  Hansa simply smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

“Even elves aren’t immune to weaponized cuteness,” exhaled Glorious Robert.  He felt like he was on the verge of passing out.  Even in battle, that girl was going to be what killed him. 

An instant later, both the Nosebleed’s bolts slammed into the side of the enemy ship.  One glanced off, the slanted hull driving the bolt into the water, causing only a trifling amount of damage.  The second one smashed into the hull, just above the water line. 

“Minimal damage,” yelled Anderson, as the ships continued to close. 

“This isn’t going well,” grunted Glorious Robert.  “If they keep this up, they are going to melt the ship out from under us.”

***

“Shit, they have a Hunter,” hissed the queen, as several of her hawks were driven from the air.  They were flying high but, apparently, not high enough.  Whoever was making those shots was specifically targeting them, which boded poorly for her advanced forces.  The sudden death of her scouts could only mean an ambush. 

Her fishing boats were engaged with their singular ship, and the results were middling.  Sinking a ship with ballista was an arduous process.  It required lots of hits, unless one wanted to close and lead a boarding action. 

Typically.

The Windfall ship had multiple, extremely high-powered ballista.  Her damage reports were becoming steadily worse, as more and more shots were hitting home.  Meanwhile, her own heavy ballista bolts were melting through Windfall’s ship in regular succession.  The queen was certain an actual Basstowner was captaining her.  Even in the inner sea, their sailing skills were noteworthy.

Part of her wished that she had held back a wing for air support instead of sending it off to scout.  However, after the casualties in her armada’s last fight, she didn't have the ordinance to spare.   That was always the rub.  She could never get everything she needed. Not like Princess Julia. That golden bitch got everything handed to her. 

It was of no consequence.  After she pulled this off, everyone would finally respect her again.  All she needed was for her marines to hold the town center.  The orb had to be somewhere in Windfall.  They just needed to occupy the place long enough to get to the statue.  She just needed to have a scrap of luck, and she’d win this.   

Even as she sent out orders, the initial rush of her marines suddenly stopped, as they ran straight into a meat grinder. 

***

Zorlando slammed into the Pirate’s back, sending him sprawling to the ground.  His Pirate partner spun around, slashing his weapon.  Casually blocking the strike, Zorlando gave him one right back.  The Pirate stumbled, clutching his throat.  One of the Dashing Dandies drove a spear into his side. 

When Zorlando had received orders to hold at the herb garden, he hadn’t initially understood.  Jim’s orders had come fast, and Zorlando had found himself and most of the other troopers assigned to a building across the garden’s perimeter.  The fact that Jim had sent Badgelor to guide all of them through the underground to get to the garden was another thing he hadn’t understood at the time.  By the time they’d arrived at the building, he had figured it out.  

“If I am underground, the hawks cannot see Zorlando,” announced Zorlando. 

They had crept underground, traversing the first layer of catacombs under the city.  Finally, they had come out in a building, just south of the herb garden.  It looked like it had been a warehouse at some point.  Zorlando had walked past the building countless times on his trips to dearly departed Jarra’s hut, but he had never paid any attention to it.  Once inside, Badgelor had left them, heading back through the tunnel the way they had come.

The structure was an unassuming building, with arrow slits and stout doors.  Most of the unit was deployed there, in the middle of the city.  They had sprung their attack as soon as the Pirates had rushed past.   

The Pirates were separated into two groups.  One group was outside the redoubt, trying to smash their way through.  The much smaller, second group was inside with Windfall’s forces.  They had been allowed in, for the purpose of being mercilessly slaughtered.  Of course, Zorlando could have done better but only slightly.  

“It looks like the Mayor knew what he was doing,” said one of the Dandies, grinning.  A Pirate stepped up behind him, swinging a heavy axe.  The Dandy dodged the strike, even as Zorlando drove the tip of his sword into the Pirate’s face.

“Of course,” replied Zorlando.  “I would not serve a commander of any less renown than the Mayor of Windfall himself!”

***

“Wait, that’s a redoubt,” stated Julia, looking at the herb field and assorted structures.  All the southern roads in Windfall funneled through that spot, before leading to the town square.  Then, she saw it for the very first time.

“The town was built without a barrier,” I said.  “It has numerous structures built to be defensive choke points.  The town square is surrounded on all sides by heavily reinforced buildings, and there is a large water source in the middle.”

“It's a tiny fortress in the middle of the town,” said Julia, totally in awe of how well Grebthar had conceived and built the city. 

I rolled my eyes.  “Yes, and there are tunnels everywhere.  Of course, Badgelor knows them all.”

“Of course,” said Julia, studying me carefully.

***

The Pirates definitely had a significant numerical advantage.  Still, they were running into a series of skirmishes where the Dashing Dandies enjoyed individual numeric superiority.  Ten Pirates were repeatedly running into twenty Dashing Dandies, and those fights were extremely one-sided. 

Afterward, the Dandies would vanish into the tunnels below Windfall.  The Pirates would do one of two things.  Either they would spend time wandering the alleys, searching for their foes, only to get ambushed again, or they would continue toward the center of town in preparation for their next ambush.  

Furthermore, the Pirates lacked a medical unit.  The handful of injuries that the Dandies had suffered were being patched up.  Meanwhile, the Pirates had already lost 20% of their forces.

Zorlando liked it when battles actually went according to plan, but he doubted it would last much longer.  He glanced over at SueLeeta’s hound and nodded.  As long as that creature was calm, nothing surprising would happen.  Zorlando would have preferred Badgelor, but he had gone off somewhere else.  Zorlando assumed the badger was with SueLeeta, if the Hunter’s dog had come to him.  As one of the enemy adventurers grew closer, the ground began to vibrate.  The man in the golden armor concentrated for a moment.  His men nodded and moved into position. 

“That’s it!  Come meet with Zorlando,” said Zorlando confidently, as he smoothed his moustache.  “The Golden Captain will see you to your end.”

***

Stormwind continued down the street, his smaller form drawing no attention from the scouts or the soldiers.  Shape Shifting was one of his least favorite abilities, but being a dog seemed appropriate here.   

The marines had run into a meat grinder.  The Druid was not a great judge of this sort of battle, but they were probably significantly outnumbered.  That meant that sending the big guy into the main path was going to end poorly.  There was no doubt that the creature would win.  However, if he found that many warm bodies to tear apart, they would never get to the actual objective. 

‘Wherever did you find him, love?’ thought the dog, as he continued running.  Stormwind didn’t know exactly where the big guy had come from, but he fervently hoped his Charm spell would continue to work.  The trick was getting the big guy to follow the bright spot on the ground.  It wouldn’t work if he saw something shinier than it. 

As the big guy tore up the street leading to the town center, Stormwind finally got a notice from his queen.  She had spotted where the ambush was.  There was a warehouse that the hawk riders had spotted and promptly ignored.  In fact, that warehouse was designed to separate and funnel attackers taking the main road. 

If not for the queen’s notice, Stormwind would have missed it, too.  The big guy couldn’t go that way.  He was the blunt instrument needed to break into the heart of the town, past any of their really heavy hitters.

‘Easy enough,’ thought the Druid dog.  He focused, causing the small, glowing dot to appear next to an abandoned wagon.  With a mighty leap, the big guy launched himself onto the wagon and jumped to a nearby roof.  With him on a straight line to the town center, Stormwind decided he would have to deal with the ambush.

***

“Get us around!  Hard to port,” yelled Glorious Robert.  The deck clattered, as dozens of crossbow bolts slammed into the ship.  He needed to punch through and hit the rookery.  Maybe he could hit one of the troop ships.  Doing that required him to close with the other fishing boats. 

Hansa rushed out from below deck.  She was wearing her full militia armor, including the potion case she favored.  Unfortunately for his crew, she never carried very many healing potions.  Instead, she used it to store various gadgets. 

Still, she slapped a bandage onto a sailor and fed another a healing potion.  The Nosebleed continued to cut through the waves.  They were going to make it.  By cutting between the Pirates, he’d prevented them from cutting around him.  Soon, they would be in the clear. 

With the Nosebleed threatening their rookery, the enemy commander would have to pull some of her hawks back.  Their flaming ordinance would be of little use against his new ship.  With all but one of his ballistae out of commission, it was the best he could do for Windfall. 

As their ships passed each other, Glorious Robert waved at the enemy captains.  Both ships made hard turns to continue the merry chase. 

***

“By the Dark One’s inky beard,” Zorlando swore.  The impossibly large creature had decided to go roof to roof.  That was something Jim and SueLeeta could manage, but Zorlando wasn’t built for it.  Jim was sending out new orders to the scouts, attempting to contain the problem.  That left the Golden Captain to deal with the Pirates. 

The enemy didn’t have any good options.  Inside the walls, Windfall was mostly made of stone.  Starting fires would be tricky, especially given how wet everything was.  They could move to the east or the west and try to force entrance to the town center.  Alternatively, they could break off and fight street by street.  With Jim giving orders, either of those options would be certain death for the Pirates.  Their commander must have realized it.  They began trying to smash through the redoubt.   

“Another group!” called a scout.  “It’s a big one.”

Zorlando focused for a moment.  Thirty-seven Pirates were going to try to push through one of the gates.  It was one of the larger gates, but it was also one of the more well-defended ones.  The thirty-seven could only approach at six abreast, and Zorlando had thirty troopers with him.  Still, it was enough to merit his personal involvement. 

He ran to his men, his golden armor shining.  It would feel good to deal with some more of his anger in a straightforward manner.  Killing Pirates would do nicely.  As the formation adjusted to his presence, Zorlando took his spot next to the sergeant.  His Golden Captain Path talent allowed Zorlando to coordinate their movements. 

Zorlando had never imagined being an adventurer before.  Now that he had his class and, more importantly, his Path, he couldn’t imagine how he’d ever fought before.  His Path allowed him to perfectly coordinate the strikes of all his men.  That meant his well-trained soldiers could fight at unprecedented levels of skill.  They could all see from each other’s eyes, allowing them to defend their blind spots with ease.  It also allowed them to know each other’s intentions.  For example, a soldier would know that, if they Dodged, their buddy would stab their attacker in the face. 

These Pirates were good.  Without his talents, Zorlando would have lost troopers.  He disliked losing people, though not nearly to the same extent that Jim did.  Jim was a softy at heart except for when he wasn’t.  Ashe had often told him. . .

Suddenly, SueLeeta’s dog barked. 

***

“Fucking hell,” grumbled SueLeeta.  She dashed rooftop to rooftop, as explosions lit up the building behind her.  She again wished that she had all her summoned creatures available, but, at Jim’s insistence, Zorlando had gotten one of them.

Of course, she liked the trade-off.

Badgelor grunted, slapping her on the left shoulder.  SueLeeta Dodged left.  The rooftop she had been running to lit up, as several fire bombs detonated in unison.  An instant later, two purple beams shot into the sky.  They both narrowly missed one of the two adventurer hawk riders. 

The other rider was trying to deal with all three of SueLeeta’s hawks.  That gave her a moment to line up a shot.  The Hunter activated her latest ability, the well-named Hawk Seeking Shot.  Her single bolt curved straight toward the closest hawk rider. 

The rider spotted the bolt instantly and banked hard.  Even so, they were unable to avoid the shot.  The bolt thumped into the bird’s wing, causing it to rapidly lose altitude.  Unfortunately, the rider had some healing skill for their mount.  The hawk began flapping aggressively to recover.

SueLeeta looked up, as she received notifications that two of her pets had “died.”  Suddenly, a bomb landed at her feet.  It was a small thing, much the same as she had been Dodging for the past ten minutes or so.  This one, however, exploded in two stages.  The first blast was the smaller one that she was used to.  The second explosion tore off most of the roof and sent her flying backward into open air.  She spotted a nearby window and made for it.  She missed, slamming face-first into the wall a good two logs away.  From there, she began falling to the street below.

The hawk rider didn’t let up.  They swooped down and jumped toward SueLeeta, a pair of short swords drawn on her.  The Hunter tried to pull away, but melee fighting had never been her forte.  She earned several cuts, before her attacker managed to land a powerful boot to her chest.  SueLeeta was smashed to the ground below. 

“You’ve been very annoying,” growled Sev, the hawk rider.

“Jim told me to keep you distracted,” SueLeeta groaned.

“The curious puppy?  It seems I did a bit more damage than I meant to,” grinned Sev.  He strolled toward her, his hawk shrieking loudly behind him. 

“No, Badgelor was hungry,” said SueLeeta, getting to her feet.

Sev’s eyes shot open.  He had just received a notification that his pet’s Health was dropping like a stone.  SueLeeta took that moment to use the Scorpow’s web setting, pulling herself onto a nearby rooftop.  Sev was going to have an issue getting up, considering the snack Badgelor was having.

“I have got to come up with better plans,” groaned the Hunter.  She slammed back a healing potion and gingerly started to run again.    

***

In one step, Stormwind shifted from dog form to human.  As soon as he did, he threw a wave of force through the ground.  The front rank of the Dashing Dandies buckled, exactly like any other group of soldiers Stormwind had ever encountered.  He locked eyes with their commander. 

“An adventurer,” he chuckled.

“I am Zorlando,” replied Zorlando.  “You have attacked my men.  Prepare to die!”

Stormwind had six levels on the pissant, wannabe commander.  He pulled lightning to his hands, preparing to electrocute the idiot.  Without warning, a half-dozen arrows whizzed toward him, straight through the Dandies. 

“They didn’t even care about their own soldiers,” hissed Stormwind, as he brought up a wall of earth to blunt their hits.  The Druid turned back to the golden idiot, only to find him missing.  Scanning around, Stormwind watched the marines hammering on the Dandies.  The queen’s men seemed to be doing well.  He would finish this with one spell. 

Without warning, his earthen wall exploded, as Zorlando burst through it with his shield.  The wall was fast and cheap; it was good against arrows but not much else.  It was also large enough that the idiot finding the exact right spot to break through should have been far more difficult.  The shield smashed into his chest, sending the Druid flying backward. 

Swearing, Stormwind pulled deeper into the power of the earth, trying to bring up a mightier wave.  As he was doing so, one of the nearby Dandies drove a spear into his chest.  Meanwhile, the idiot had exposed his back to one of the marines, but the other Dandies had flowed in effortlessly to block the men’s attacks. 

Zorlando was on him again.  Stormwind growled, his forearm suddenly covered with thick walrus blubber, as a golden sword carved into his flesh.  Stormwind blocked another strike, drawing forth lightning to blast the warrior.  Unfortunately, the Druid backed into something and tumbled. 

While he was distracted, another Dandy got in his way.  Stormwind stood, trying to find his own men for cover.  That’s when he realized a simple truth.  There were fewer of his marines than there were Dandies.  Far fewer.  

Zorlando was on him again.  He had six levels on this warrior.  He should have been able to take him easily.  The problem was Windfall’s soldiers.  Every time Stormwind tried to do anything, one of them was in his way.  Even worse, despite the short skirmish, Stormwind was alone.  His marines were quickly being driven back.

A cold feeling surged in his gut.  It was so obvious.  The captain of the Dashing Dandies would have a Path that made his soldiers more efficient.

Grabbing a fragment of wood, Stormwind screamed, “Shillelagh!”  It was the oldest Druid spell.  A chunk of wood shaped itself into a cudgel.  He could use that to parry an attack.  He was convinced that a change in tactics was in order. 

Instead of one game-ending spell, Stormwind began using several quick spells.  He desperately blasted into the soldiers and their master, doing any damage he could.  It was too late, though.  Stormwind had screwed up.  He had approached the Dashing Dandies like they were a joke, and it was going to cost him dearly. 

“I have been told to allow you the opportunity to surrender,” stated the Golden Captain with some hesitancy.  The final scrabbling seconds of the battle had left a few of his men badly injured.  Even there, the Dashing Dandies were prepared.  Several medics were handing out healing potions.  His own forces lay bleeding and dying. 

Stormwind was surrounded.  A dozen Dashing Dandies held him at spear point, and archers were ready to fill him full of arrows.  If he tried to cast anything, the telltale hand gestures of spell casting would bring their wrath down upon him.  Fortunately, he had one option that didn’t use his hands.

●        Path skill activated: Primal Lighting

“Oh, poop,” muttered the captain of the Dashing Dandies. 

A blast of wind exploded from the druid like a storm.  A massive spear of lighting blasted down from the heavens, right on top of the enemy captain.  Zorlando managed to interpose his shield, but Stormwind’s path ability was designed for killing powerful, single targets. 

With the Dandies in disarray, Stormwind could, at the very least, get one kill.  Staggering to his feet, he stumbled over to the unconscious warrior.  Part of him was impressed that he was still alive.  One of the medics had already gotten to him and was pouring healing potions down Zorlando’s throat.  It didn’t matter. 

The medic turned to face Stormwind.  She wore an odd kind of serenity on her pale, white face.  Somehow, she had avoided all the dirt from the battle.  The medic reached into her healing bag and pulled out several stones.  Then, she tossed them at him.

‘Throwing rocks at a Druid?’ he asked idly.  He attempted to brush them aside with his power.  They kept coming.  When it was already too late, he realized they were actually tiny pieces of metal.  One impacted his chest and exploded, sending him backward and flat on his ass. 

***

“Zorlando?” I called out mentally.

“He’ll live,” came the response.

“Margwal?” I asked.  All the officers could hear me when I sent out mental commands.  Five of Dalton’s daughters were currently somewhere in the thick of battle.  Every one of them was an officer.  The only reason it wasn’t more was because three were too young, and one was on the Nosebleed. 

“Yes,” she replied.  “The Pirates just grabbed the Druid and are retreating.  I believe the Druid will make it.  I used a more stable recipe that doesn’t hit as hard as my sisters’.”

“Good work,” I replied. 

She cut the connection.

I scanned the field.  With their last advance blocked, the Pirates were starting to pull back.  Zorlando’s temporary incapacitation was not affecting the Windfallian troops.  They knew their orders.  There were still multiple enemy adventurers in the field, but most of them seemed content to not engage directly.  There was only one I was truly worried about.

“SueLeeta, do you have eyes on that big one?” I asked.

“Sort of,” she replied.  “He’s on the roofs, heading toward the town square.  I can’t intercept, though.  I’m trading shots with one of the hawk riders.”  That must have been one of the adventurers. 

I could see their big gun on my Battle Map.  I was attempting to figure out what I was actually looking at, but I didn’t have long to wonder.  He crossed over the last rooftop and leapt down into the town square.  He was at least nine feet of oddly shaped muscle.  It took me a moment to decide whether he was human or not.  Then, it took another moment to correct myself.

“What the hell is that?” I asked Shart.

“A half-ogre,” replied the demon.

“Eww, a human had sex with an ogre?” I gasped.

“What?  No,” said Shart.  “Is that how you think a half-ogre is created?  That’s disgusting.”

“Well, I mean, how else would you make one?” I asked.

“For one thing, human women are too small,” stated Shart, ignoring me.  “For another, how would they deal with the pincers?”

“Ogres have pincers?” I asked, examining the mostly naked ogre on my Battle Map.  It snapped at me. 

Ogres have pincers, and that was nightmare fodder.

“They reproduce kind of like Earth’s flatworms,” explained Shart.  “Through penis fencing!”

“Penis fencing?” I was so shocked I replied out loud.

“Oh, are there ogres out there?” questioned Julia.

“Just half of one,” I responded, watching the sky and ogre in equal parts.

“You don’t seem concerned,” the princess stated. 

“How is that a half-ogre?” I asked, as the massive beast stood up and started running toward the town hall.

“They get cut in half when they are born.  A full ogre has two heads,” hissed Julia, readying a barrier.  I stood there, gaping like an idiot.  “Aren’t you going to do anything?”

“No, I have this planned out,” I said.  The massive creature sprinted toward us, his heavy footfalls causing buildings to vibrate.

“Does a full ogre have two-” I began.

“Heads?  Yes,” said Julia dismissively.  “It also has two penises.  They tend to fight a lot.”

“Please tell me you mean with the heads?” I groaned.

“Would it make you happy if I said they used their heads?” asked Julia.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Noted,” said Julia, examining the map.  “How do you have a plan for an ogre charging a building?”  She brought up a second barrier.  “What could you possibly have to deal with this?”

As she finished readying her attempt to block the massive ogre, it lurched forward.  There was a mighty impact, and the ogre went bouncing away from the town hall.  Sir Dalton, sporting his new, gleaming, white armor, shown brilliantly upon his fiery steed. 

“Well, I tossed, and I turned, and I dreamed of what I needed,” I replied.

“A hero,” groaned Julia.

“He is larger than life,” I replied, which was true.  Dalton had eaten what I’d generously describe as all the eggs.  He’d gone to the Golden Badger and politely asked them to bring him the biggest plate of eggs possible.  They were all out, due to Toomen’s meal, so a kitchen aide had been sent to clear out the chicken coop.  I couldn’t imagine where he’d fit them all, but he had managed it.  He must have had room to spare, because, right before the battle, I’d seen him slurping down a raw egg or two. 

“Does his talent require him to eat raw eggs?” I asked.

“Kind of,” replied Shart.  “They contain more raw Life Energy.  Cooking them causes that energy to dissipate somewhat.”  That was an explanation I could understand.  I made a mental note to keep Beakatrix’s eggs away from Dalton.  Given how much she cared for them, I knew she would be utterly devastated if he happened to down her children in one gulp. 

“What is the ogre’s name?” I asked.  “It isn’t showing up on the map.” 

“Looks like Bigguay,” replied Shart.  Dalton and the ogre began circling each other.  “Oh, the ‘a’ is silent.”

I was directing the battle, so running over to fight was not ideal.  Even using my Menutime skill, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with everything.  The Dashing Dandies needed some sort of a commander if things went south at the redoubt.  With Zorlando out and Sir Dalton otherwise occupied, that left only me.  Since Zorlando was unconscious and not dead, he was still able to exert some control over the local battlefield.  I wasn’t certain how long that would last, though, and there was no telling when he might come to.

“It's a shame you don’t have more officers,” said Shart innocently.

“Crap,” I thought, focusing on Lorraine and Nick.

The upper torsos of the two captain generals popped up around the glowing map that I was still projecting in the middle of the room.  Both looked around for a moment.  When they spotted me, they saluted. 

“Mayor,” stated Lorraine, before spotting Julia.  She bowed awkwardly toward her, and I realized that the two must be on horseback.  I focused for a second, causing Nick to fully manifest.  I quickly banished everything below his chest again.  The horse was invisible, and he looked ridiculous.  He appeared as a man with hips thrown wide, angling backward.  He floated on his intangible steed, which caused him to gently sway front to back. 

“Man, that reminds me of my senior prom,” said Julia, glancing over at me.  Of course, Falcon would have proms.   

“I need my captains to manage a battle in Windfall for me.  There are some enemy adventurers I need to deal with,” I explained without preamble.

“Of course, Mayor,” Lorraine said.  Their skill in battle management was less than my own.  However, having both of them managing the Dashing Dandies would allow that unit to continue fighting at a much higher degree of skill than if they were totally unled.  Things were looking up.  I unsheathed my blade and got ready to assist Dalton.

“How do we use this?” asked Nick.  The controls were intuitive, just like any other RTS I’d ever played.  Naturally, they had no idea what was happening. 

Well, this will take a minute.

***

“We are in Windfall.  The Mayor is going to be here somewhere,” yelled one of the Pirates.

“Please,” replied his sergeant, “That’s all myths and legends.  The queen has said so herself. 

They continued flanking the main square, hoping to find another bridge that would lead them deeper into the town proper.  They had nearly been ambushed several times.  Once, they had managed to catch a scout out of position.  She had died quickly.  Then again, so had Joey.  Arrows through the heart tended to do that.   

“Are we going to loot anything?” asked Rachel.

Chandler considered that for a moment.  It was becoming obvious that they were not going to be holding Windfall.  No proper looting would occur, and that was going to hurt his pocketbook plenty. 

Gesturing toward a house by the creek, Chandler responded, “Let’s make a quick stop there to get our bearings.  If something falls into your pouch, all the better.”

The remains of his squad, each one his friend, went racing forward.  Rachel barely beat Monica up the stairs.  Suddenly, she was behind him, her torso a mangled ruin.  A large, angry man stood in the doorway. 

The adventurer was holding a shield that bore the crest of Windfall.  That alone would have been terrifying enough.  However, there seemed to be a light in his eye that pulsed back and forth.  A horrible monster snarled behind him. 

“It’s the Mayor and Badgelor,” screamed Monica, back-pedaling as fast as she could.  Chandler wanted to deny her, but a Progenitor stepped from the house.  The large bird creature held up a crossbow, and his heart froze.

Then, it exploded.  That’s what Beakatrix’s patented Freezing, Exploding Bolts did. 

***

Sir Dalton swung his horse around and lined back up on the ogre.  From there, he activated his Powerful Charge skill.  His charger picked up even more speed, as he squared his lance, lining it up on the horrible creature’s chest. 

“Calves, get it together,” grumbled Dalton, as the skill drove him back into his stirrups.  He angled for the best possible shot.  ‘Eyes, he’s fast.  We need to get this in one!’

He was still not fast enough.  The ogre’s hand slapped out, smashing the lance away.  He shoulder checked the horse, stopping the charger dead.  Dalton went flying head over heels.  He crashed into a wall, barely getting to his feet in time.  The ogre was on him again. 

‘Shoulders, right wrist, let's show him who the greatest Knight of all time is!’ said Sir Dalton.  He brought his sword around, cutting into the ogre’s wrist.  The creature tried to backhand him away. 

“No one cuts like Dalton,” grunted the Knight.  He stepped forward, slashing at the monster.  Each cut was a perfect example of how to do business.  There was no gap between strikes, giving the ogre no chance to slip a counterattack through. 

That wasn’t to say the ogre wasn’t a cagey fighter.  When he realized he was losing a straight up fight, he began backing up.  Then, he used skills to shatter paving stones in minor earthquakes.

‘Feet, get it together!  We can’t let up on him.  Lungs, good work!  Keep doing what you’re doing,’ instructed Dalton.  He continued to press forward, methodically carving through the ogre.  Finally, one of the ogre’s stomps caused Dalton to misplace his foot.  A less charitable person would say he stumbled, but no one walks toward their enemy as flawlessly as Dalton.

The ogre counterattacked, swinging arms like tree trunks at Dalton.  Each blow landed with incredible force, but the Knight was ready for them.  He blocked each attack in turn, as he readied himself for another counterattack.  Then, the ogre landed a telling blow.

●        Powerful Blow: Sir Dalton has received a Powerful Blow to the skull, 89 Damage, Knockback, 3 logs.

The blow to his face was enough to cause the Knight to recoil.  That gave him space.  At least no one could take a punch to the face like Dalton. 

***

Stormwind groaned.  His eyes fluttered open, and he became aware of the moaning of several nearby marines.  Whatever he had been hit with felt like a skill, but Medics weren’t supposed to have those.  Had he been at anything approaching full Health, it would have been a joke.  However, he was already badly banged up before the explosion had hit him.

The marines were still trying to force their way into the redoubt.  After he had dropped the captain of the Dashing Dandies, they had briefly started to gain ground.  That was how his marines had managed to get to him.  They had grabbed him and dragged him under cover.  Unfortunately, that must not have lasted long.  It was very possible that some primal force had caused the Dandies to start battling almost as well as they had before. 

His queen was looking down at him, her eyes filled with concern.  She had just dumped quite a bit of Healing Magic into him.  When he looked up at her, her mask came back on.  Suddenly, she was the Queen of the Inner Sea again, and he was just her subordinate.  He sighed.  None of their people cared about pomp and circumstance, but he wouldn’t love her if she wasn’t her.  The queen had been born and bred to that sort of public attitude.

“Glad to see you were worried,” hissed Stormwind, sitting up.

The queen spent a few more moments casting various healing spells into the crowd of marines. “You are all valuable resources.  We are still on track to achieve our objectives,” stated the queen pompously.

She was a good liar.  The plan never included her coming ashore at all, especially with the enemy captain out there.  Her fleet was without her Admiral Path perk, because she couldn’t administer it without being physically present.  Stormwind spent a moment trying to figure out why she had come ashore.  He quickly realized it must have had something to do with the burning hole in his chest. 

Druid Healing was all about regrowth.  It worked great, assuming you had a bit of time and didn’t mind scars.  However, if you had a sucking chest wound, all it would do was make the situation worse.  That was why the Divine classes were the best Healers.  Primal casters would have to compensate for their shortcomings by using potions.  His potion belt was currently charred black; no potions remained.  He supposed that was the reason for keeping them in a more secure location than a bandoleer on one’s chest.

Even if your chest was as great as his.

“What’s the new plan?” asked Stormwind.  From where he sat, he could see the marines continue to press the redoubt. 

“We are going to hammer through the adventurers at the town hall and kill them.  We can still do this,” stated the queen.

“That was the actual leader of the Dashing Dandies,” said Stormwind, causing the nearby marines to flinch. 

The queen glared at him, but, seeing no give in his eyes, she paused.  “Well, we’ll kill him, too.”

“I’m not worried about the leader of the Dashing Dandies,” said Stormwind.

“Why the hell not?” yelled one of the marines.  The queen glared at him.

“If the leader of the Dashing Dandies is here, then the Mayor of Windfall is in the middle of town,” explained Stormwind, causing every nearby marine to go pale.

“He’s a fake,” said the queen with surety.

“No, not after that,” replied Stormwind.

“I refuse to stop.  We are so close,” said the queen, standing.   

Stormwind looked at her for a long moment and shook his head.  “I’m using my veto.”

The queen gaped at him.  “You can’t be serious.”

“If we go into that town square, we are going to get killed,” stated Stormwind.

“Did you get your brain rattled?” she asked.

“I just fought with the captain of the Dashing Dandies.  I was nearly killed!” stated Stormwind, his voice rising with every word.  “Mark my words, the Mayor will be in that town square.”

Several of the nearby marines glanced at each other nervously.  The queen had recruited all of them at Falconian ports.  To say that they had grown up with tales of the legendary Mayor of Windfall was an understatement. 

“He’s a myth,” stated the queen, exasperated.

“So were the Dashing Dandies,” replied Stormwind.

“It's a myth,” repeated the queen harshly.  “It’s been nearly a thousand years.  Do you see a Dark Overlord?  He should have been back a hundred times by now, and he’s not.  If there is no Dark Overlord, why do you think there is a Mayor?”

“I know what I fought,” stated Stormwind.

“I know better than most that it's a myth,” growled the queen, standing to her full height. “It’s a myth from the Falconian royal family, designed to control the masses.  There is no Mayor, there is no Badgelor, and there is no Dark Overlord.  They all died a long time ago.  It's all a big fecking joke.  I’m sorry that you fell for it.”

With that, she turned away and started marching toward the town hall.  Her marines might have to fight through the redoubt, but she was an adventurer.  She could come up with her own way.  As she stormed off, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“You can bullshit the troops all you want.  I know better, and I believe you know better, too.  You believe in those stories,” the Druid stated with certainty. 

“I think you should go back to the ship,” the queen replied. 

“You do, don’t you?  You know them to be true.  It’s just me here.  You don’t have to always put on an act,” Stormwind said.

“Go back to the ship,” the queen ordered, turning on her way.  Stormwind caught up to her easily.

“I’m still coming with you,” he said.

“You used your veto,’ she replied, a single tear escaping her right eye.   

“Aye, I did.  Still, as long as I’m alive, I will be with you,” replied the Druid, kissing the tear away.  “Just promise me that we won’t kill the Mayor.  I don’t want my soul roasted for eternity if it can be avoided.”

Chapter 58 - The Knightly Mayor and his Sidekick Twitchy

“Okay, which one is the Mayor?” asked the queen, looking over at Stormwind.

“Well, we can rule out the girl,” replied the Druid.

“Obviously,” stated the queen.  Even from this range, she recognized a member of the royal house.  They had known one of the members of the family would be in Windfall.  It was just a question of which one.  The fact that she was named Julia meant absolutely nothing.  “Fecking unoriginal names.”

Stormwind gave her the side-eye but said nothing. 

“That leaves the man over there, looking like he’s having a seizure, or Sir Dalton,” stated Stormwind.  “You know, the one who has songs written about him.”

“No one ruins a perfectly good plot like Dalton.  If this was a story, we’d have our main character,” she said, pointing at Sir Dalton.  “You think the other two are the love interest and the sidekick?”

“I’m thinking more comic relief,” stated Stormwind, gesturing toward the seizure boy.  “His name is Jim.”

“Oh, really?” laughed the queen, rolling her eyes.  She examined the thoroughly forgettable man for another moment, realizing something.  “Wait, that was the nimrod who concussed himself on one of my rods.”

“So, maybe the twitching is from brain damage?” asked Stormwind. 

“Let’s just incapacitate Sir Dalton first.  Then, we’ll play it by ear.”

“I have a few ideas on that,” replied Stormwind, as Sir Dalton and the big guy continued to trade blows.

***

‘Spine, straighten up,’ thought Sir Dalton, as he continued circling the massive half-ogre.  The battle had gone almost as expected.  The only issue was that the Knight had taken more Damage than he wanted.  Sir Dalton’s Health was down to almost half.  There were few beings in the world that could do that to someone as mighty as he.

The half-ogre, on the other hand, was a bloody ruin.  Less than a quarter of his Hit Points remained.  The battle had turned when Sir Dalton severed the ogre’s arm above the elbow.  Without the arm, the creature had been much less effective in the fight.  The appendage was growing back, but it wouldn’t be an issue for several more minutes. 

Idly, Sir Dalton remembered he hadn’t talked with his elbow recently.  “We’ll catch up after the battle!”  Of course, his elbow didn’t acknowledge Sir Dalton.  Elbows didn’t have ears. 

Then, Sir Dalton’s heart noticed something that his eyes had missed.  Lutal was running into the town hall, holding Margwal’s old melon husker and a large sack.  He fervently hoped the sack contained after-battle snacks.  ‘That’s a good idea’, his stomach thought.  Dalton put his back to the town hall wall and stopped circling.  Even at a quarter health, the creature would be too much of a challenge for Jim.  It was best to keep him well-protected behind him. 

***

As I finished giving my last instructions, Lutal stumbled in.  The pirates had picked up their attacks, forcing me to not only command the Windfall forces but also instruct my Captains in the pros and cons of real time strategy tactics.  I left them to it and looked at the frazzled young woman.

“This thing is heavy,” she groaned, pulling out her bloody hand.  Julia casually healed it.  I grabbed the device and the sack, pouring its contents out.  The decapitated wooden heads of eight of Dalton’s daughters scattered, rolling across the floor. 

“How are we supposed to identify those?” asked Julia, staring at the unlabeled, faceless pile of heads I was making.  “If we use the wrong one, Ashe’s head is going to be ground into hamburger!”

“You are the worst princess,” I grumbled under my breath.  I picked up one of the heads and threw it over my shoulder.  Grabbing another, I placed it in a separate pile.  “Maybe that one is Rose’s?”

“How can you be sure?” asked Lutal.

“I have the Treatment and Scent skills,” I said, picking up the second head.  “Hansa.”

“This seems so creepy,” Lutal whispered to Julia.

Julia kind of shrugged.  I had sorted the fake heads into two piles.  I eliminated five and started to carefully examine the remaining three heads.  The problem was that all three heads were very similar.  It was almost as if the outlines were just traced from the same skull, despite the fact that each was clearly its own unique, individual person. 

That said, I only had two names to go with three heads.  I eliminated one and held up another.  “Lutal, which one of your sisters is always sleeping and keeps using the spinning wheel?”

“Battista?” she asked.  Seriously, there were entirely too many Dalton girls.  I held the head up for Lutal to judge.  Battista worked for Ashe making thread, among other things.  I was positive she was narcoleptic.  Margwal, Battista, and Ashe were all the same general height and head size, so anything I could do to eliminate a head was worth doing.

“This her?” I asked, examining the back of the head.  With Scent, I was trying to determine which of the two heads was Ashe.  Ashe loved to cook and loved to use spices.  Her hair always carried the slightest hint of one of her favorite herbs, cilantro.  Battista, on the other hand, wouldn’t be caught dead in a kitchen.   

However, I was running into a problem.  The device had originally been used as a melon husker, so the most overwhelming smell both heads were giving off was melon. 

“What are you doing?” asked Julia, as I continued to sniff the back of the dummy head. 

“I’m trying to figure out which one of these heads is Ashe’s, but I keep thinking about melons,” I grumbled.  For some reason, Julia slapped me.  “Hey, this is trickier than it looks.  I’m trying to pick out a girl without focusing on the melons!”

“That sounds challenging,” said Shart.

“Of course, it is!  Trying to figure out which girl you need to get a head from without judging her melons is next to impossible,” I replied.  Julia looked even more angry.

“Have you tried not focusing on the melons?” asked Shart.

“I love melons.  Maybe if I put my head between the two and focus on melons, I’ll be able to figure it out,” I said.  For absolutely no reason, Julia flicked a golden BB pellet into my face.

The princess looked furious.  Lutal looked shocked.  I couldn’t figure out why.

“They are probably hungry,” stated Shart. 

“Do you girls want a fruit salad or something?” I asked.  “I mean, I could get some bananas and grapes to go with the melons and-”

Julia slapped me in the skull with another golden BB.  The shot had the added effect of causing me to get a really good whiff of cilantro. 

“It's this one,” I hissed, rubbing my forehead.  I threw the other head aside. 

Taking the remaining head, I shoved it into the measureometer.  I quickly clicked the button and reset it to the correct size.  The device made several suitably grindy noises.  Both Ashes looked at me in a mixture of wonder and horror.

“Last chance to give yourself up,” I said, taking the measureometer and walking over to the nearest Ashe.  Her expression changed from terror to solid determination.

“Do it,” she uttered.

“Which is exactly what Ashe would say.  Therefore, the copy might say it, too,” I thought, as I clamped the device down and got ready to push the button.  I heard the chair behind me rattle against the floor.  An instant later, I turned to see a vicious looking Maggie, completely bound up in golden bands of energy. 

“Good guess,” I said, glancing back at the real Ashe.  She was also totally wrapped up in golden bands.  “I guess there is something to thoroughness.”

Of course, now that we knew which one was actually Maggie, that left us with another problem.  What were we going to do with her?  Julia had a solution, though.  Stepping up with her old slave collar, she placed it around Maggie’s neck.  Julia carefully pulled out the key to lock it, causing an involuntary shudder to run through the Assassin’s body. 

Instantly, Maggie’s body contorted.  ‘The collar shrank to fit, and she was locked into her normal shape.  The collar halved her level.  With her level effectively sub-20, Maggie was no longer able to use her Shadow Mimic skill to appear as anyone else. 

Before I had a chance to do anything, Lutal was already releasing Ashe.  Glancing outside, I spotted Dalton knocking the ogre onto its ass, while Rose even managed to give her father a healing potion.  Then, I saw Julia, her expression curious.

“Why is she still smiling?” asked Julia, turning the key in the collar’s lock. 

“Give it time,” smiled Maggie.

I glanced outside, where nothing was happening. 

“Not right this second,” grumbled the Assassin.  “I couldn’t time it that perfectly.”

“Then, when?”

Chapter 59 - The Perfect Moment

At the moment, SueLeeta was hating life.  How was she supposed to keep the skies clear when it was beginning to storm so badly?  She could barely look up without getting a face full of water, and there were still hawks everywhere.  At least their firebombing had stopped, if only because wet timber didn’t burn very well. 

“We don’t have time for this,” grumbled the Hunter, as she started toward the southern wall. 

“I fecking know that,” replied Badgelor.  SueLeeta was beginning to realize the badger had a bit of a potty mouth.  Ever since she had leveled up and taken her Pack Hunter Path, she had been recognizing more and more of what Badgelor said.  She now understood some of Jim’s behaviors around the creature.  Badgelor was kind of a jerk. 

Suddenly, a hawk exploded, and Badgelor cackled.  He was a very powerful jerk.

***

“We need to help Sir Dalton.  If we take out the half-ogre, we’ll be free to deal with whatever Maggie’s threat is,” stated Julia, pushing through the rain.   

“Unless she’s counting on us being committed in that fight,” I grumbled.  I grabbed my sword and stepped into the town square.  Maggie was tied up properly and wearing the slave collar, so I expected she was as contained as we could possibly manage.  “I can’t find their adventurers on the Battle Map.  The outcome of this is not set in stone.”

“Aren’t we winning?” asked Julia, as golden spells began to wrap around her. 

“We are holding the town.  They still have a numerical advantage and hold the sky.  Even if we do win, we are going to suffer terrible casualties,” I replied.  I looked to see where the ogre and Dalton were still trading blows.  “Maggie is out of the battle.  I need to find the head of this snake and cut it off.”

“You can’t kill a member of the royal family,” said Julia aghast.

“Yes, I can.  The only reason we are in this mess is because I didn’t just kill Maggie earlier,” I said solemnly, remembering Maggie, beaten and at my mercy. 

“The only reason you are still here is because you let Twinkle live,” replied Julia.  I frowned at that.  If I’d just killed Twinkle, I’d have exploded at the Ruined Temple.   

I considered it.  “Maybe I’ll just beat them to within an inch of their lives then.”

“You act like it's that simple,” said Julia.

I stared silently at her.  For a moment, she hesitated. 

“So, kill the ogre first?” asked Julia, looking at the massive creature.  “It’s certainly something the Mayor would do, but you may be biting off more than you can chew.”

“I have more power than you can possibly imagine,” I said confidently, as I took a step toward the ogre.  “Shart?”

“Seriously, you get Mage Knight back, and that’s your go to,” grumbled the demon.  “Let me check.  His biology is weird, but he has a digestive system.”

“Hey, I was just asking,” I chuckled, before connecting mentally with Dalton.

“Block, dang it, right arm,” cursed the Knight.  “I don’t care how badly you’ve been struck.  Sir Dalton does not give a single inch!”

“Hey, Dalton,” I said.

“Elbow?” replied the Knight happily.  “Thank goodness!  I thought we were still at odds with one another.”

Inhale, exhale.  “Yup, I think the little buddy is going to run in and help!”

“Jim?” replied Sir Dalton.  “I’m not sure he’s going to be of much use.  This is a serious fight.  If I’m careful about it, I can probably protect him.

That was a confidence builder right there.  It was hard to stay mad at Sir Dalton, though.  He meant well.  Plus, he was nearly as tough as he claimed to be.  He was still in the fight, even if the ogre had knocked him senseless a few times.  Then again, how could anyone possibly be able to tell? 

I sheathed my sword and held out my palm.  Gathering my Mana together, I formed a unique spell of ultimate power.  Then, I cut left, appearing just behind Dalton.  That gave the ogre two different targets.  The creature snarled, tearing out a chunk of cobblestone and pulling his arm back to throw it.  I cast my most potent spell.

“Hoopie!”

●        You have cast Break Wind.  Target has failed to resist the spell.  You have invested 200 Mana into the spell.  The effect is a critical success.

What happened next was new.  The ogre paused for a moment, as the green field surrounded him, unbound him, and forced every bit of gas from his body.  However, the spell itself was magical.  When the amount of gas he had proved insufficient, the magic created more gas and still more after that.  The effect was grand.

The power of his own rear-facing exhaust was so great that even the massive creature couldn’t stay stationary.  Instead, he stumbled forward, toward Dalton.  Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, because he probably wouldn’t know what to look for, Dalton slashed upward.  It looked like some sort of rising dragon strike that horribly injured the ogre. 

I took that moment to lash out with my whip, wrapping it around the still flatulating ogre’s neck.  I yanked him backward with all my considerable force.  The ogre, already off balance, fell backward and landed with a bone-jarring thud. 

Sir Dalton continued his attack, leaping into the air, sword held high.  Just as he brought his weapon down to finish the creature, a golden rod appeared between him and the beast.  The sword bounced off it with a mighty gong sound.  Sir Dalton hit with enough force that he lost the grip on his mighty weapon.  It tumbled uselessly to the ground. 

The half-ogre recovered and started running away from us.  He headed to a building across the street. 

“Hey, there they are!  Right over there,” I said, pointing.  Now that I’d found them, we could try to talk some sense into them.  There appeared to be just two.  I recognized the woman as the same one I’d fought under the water.  Accompanying her was a very exposed man.  Judging by his appearance, I assumed he must be a Chippendales dancer. 

“Where?” asked Julia, scanning where I pointed.

“Camouflaged in all the Stealth Magic,” I said. 

“How?” she asked, still not seeing them.

“You failed your puma check,” I replied and started off toward the rooftop. 

***

“That didn’t take him very long,” growled the queen, as Stormwind prepared to blast the absolute crap out of mister twitchy.  While they weren’t invisible, they had done nothing that should have drawn instant attention, either.  That man must be horribly paranoid. 

“I don’t know!  I had us wrapped up in stealth spells,” grumbled Stormwind.  “Puma’s Camouflage is the best spell to use when ambushing someone.”

“You know one spell that’s not sea-based, and it sucks,” said the queen, as she prepared a barrier for any return fire.  The twitchy idiot was yelling something at them.  Despite the storm, the wind, and the distance, she could have sworn she understood him.  “He’s demanding our surrender?”

“Lots of confidence there, but that’s not the plan,” stated Stormwind.  He proceeded to cast his spell, causing the entire town square to be bathed in lightning.  “I’ll keep them controlled.  You deal with the Mayor.”

“I know,” said the queen, watching the massive knight.  I’ll incapacitate him.  Then, we can. . .talk.”

***

The overcast sky darkened substantially.  For a moment, I hoped that the darkening of the sky would be all that happened.  I didn’t have any real confidence in that, though, considering the enormous amount of lightning that was gathering in the clouds.  That’s when I noticed the hair on the back of my neck starting to stand up.  With Endure Elements active, light moisture pretty much just slid off me.  Despite the constant, low-level rain, I was relatively dry. 

Now, all my hair was standing on end, which I interpreted as a bad thing.  The sky began to pulse with massive flashes of lightning, concentrating over me.  Suddenly, the rain just stopped.

I managed to erect a barrier with my Mage Knight class and jammed it over my head.  Lightning glanced off the greenish barrier.  It was damaged, but I was mostly healthy.  Julia did likewise, her massive dome protecting her from the electrical barrage.

That just left Dalton.  He had managed to find himself next to a small amount of cover. Without any hesitation whatsoever, he jammed Rose into it.  Lightning wracked the Knight’s body.  He knew he could take it.  He also knew Rose could not.  As the lightning worked through him, his Health slowly sank.  I knew he would be fine, though.  Dalton had a massive pool of Hit Points, and he had just been healed multiple times.  As long as they didn’t focus on him, Dalton would survive.

All at once, a golden rod flashed down from the rooftop.  Dalton twisted his fist, and a blade very much like Rose’s sprang from his gauntlet.  He swung the short blade into the rod, cleaving it in two.  Luckily, he had managed the slice just before the rod struck him.  An instant later, two more rods flew down, merged together by a golden chain.  They began striking at the big man.

“She’s summoning nunchucks now?” asked Shart.

“I think it's a chain shot to deal with sails,” I replied.

“Well, it apparently also works on big, dumb Knights,” commented Shart. 

“Jim!” called Dalton.  For the first time in my life, I heard panic in the man’s voice.  That didn’t make any sense to me.  Dalton was almost too stupid to be afraid of anything.  Then, I realized Rose was right behind him.  If Dalton fell, she would most certainly die.  That was not something Dalton could handle.  

I launched a Fireball at the attackers, but, in the rain and wind, the spell lacked the range to get too far.  I quickly considered my options.  Julia was already moving toward Dalton.  My best strategy for pulling attacks off him was to get closer. 

Turning to face the two attackers, I realized we were going to have to do this the hard way. 

I started dashing toward them, using Sprint and Flash Steps to close the distance.  I arrived at their perch far more quickly than I think they expected.  The lightning field around me started to thicken.  The bolts crossed closer, and the shock ripped the wet ground apart.  With Dragon Scales and Badger’s Toughness, I mostly ignored those lesser effects. 

When the ground erupted into a pair of massive hands, I had my first problem.  As my foot landed, the ground seemed to melt underneath it.  A stone hand gripped my calf.  I broke free, but another hand grabbed my other leg.  Then, more hands began pulling me into the ground.

“So, are you in trouble yet?” asked Shart nonchalantly, as I threw all my strength against the hands grabbing me.  When that didn’t work, I used my Counterspell skill as an aura and let it push into the magic woven inside the rock.  It succeeded in breaking the magical effect on the stone.  I exploded free of the hands and started charging toward the building again.

While I’d been busy, one of the attackers had begun firing cannonball-sized, golden orbs directly at Sir Dalton.  The Knight was desperately trying to block them with his sword gauntlet.  Each hit caused an orb to smash into the ground, where they erratically spun away.  He was being pressed, because, instead of a tight parry designed to conserve Stamina, he was smashing them away to protect Rose. 

The lightning around him faded, as the Druid turned to focus on me.  While I had been buried, he had targeted Dalton.  Even now, several long, electric snakes were heading toward the Knight.  However, Stormwind seemed prepared to turn his attacks to me. 

As the snakes closed, Sir Dalton decapitated one of them.  The next snake locked onto his arm.  The big man yanked his arm free, only to have a golden orb slam into his chest.  The Knight was sent sprawling to his knees.  A second orb slammed into him, causing Dalton to fly backward.  A third bounced off the cobblestones, skipping low toward the man.  Dalton spread out his arms, giving the final shot a clear target that was not Rose.  He was bracing himself for the impact when, suddenly, a golden barrier snapped up.  The orb was deflected away harmlessly. 

Julia stood behind the barrier, glowing sawblades raised high.  She was now engaged with one of the enemy casters.  The caster was erecting glowing rods and, as the sawblades crossed the distance, they smashed into the immovable objects and shattered.  Unlike a real saw, when Julia’s blades broke there was very little left of them. 

That just left the Druid for me.  The buildings surrounding us were three stories, which was about 13 logs in height.  That was a bit more Stamina intense than I could accept.  Of course, outside of a D&D battle mat, you could always find something to work as a springboard.  In my case, I used HankAlvin’s shop sign.  First I leapt onto it, then I leapt straight onto the roof, much to the detriment of the sign.

The Druid, at least, expected me to get up there.  As I landed, a lightning lash wrapped around my neck.  That wouldn’t have bothered me much, but he had connected it to the street in front of the Blacksmith’s. The lash wrapped insanely tight around my neck, going taunt before my Counterspell had a chance to weaken it.  

As if propelled by a rubber band, I flew back down.  I landed hard enough that several nearby shop signs swayed. 

●        You have suffered 49 points of Falling Damage

“Ouch,” I groaned.  To be clear, 49 points of Damage was enough to kill any normal human.  I just wasn’t a normal human.  As I laid there, I cast Regenerate. 

“See, it's impressive stuff like this that shows your quality as the true Mayor of Windfall,” said Shart.

“I think I landed on a cobblestone,” I grunted, pulling the shattered rock from the small of my back.

“Heads up,” chuckled the demon.  I looked up and quickly rolled to the side.  That asshole Druid dropped a brick chimney on the exact spot I had just been.

“What the feck was that?” HankAlvin screamed.

“Well, HankAlvin still has one chimney.  That’s all anyone really needs,” I groaned. 

Rolling to my feet, I glanced around and sighed.  Then, realizing something, I grabbed a couple of bricks.  I didn’t need to do all this in one powerful jump. 

While all the buildings were adjacent to each other, there were gaps.  Here and there, one stuck out into the town square slightly farther than its neighbor.  I spotted two such buildings nearby and dashed over.  Leaping, I latched on to a first-story window.  Then, I leapt up to the opposite building’s second-story window.  That is where the plan fell apart.  There wasn’t a third-story window, and I’d been counting on one. 

I slammed into the wall.  Luckily, the dent I caused gave me enough purchase to leap again.  I launched myself toward the rooftop, flinging a handful of bricks at the Druid and summoning my sword.  He casually batted the bricks away.  I landed, and the lightning lash again appeared around my neck.

“That’s a new strategy.  Keep doing the same thing over and over again,” said Shart.  “Eventually, it has to work.”

I grunted, driving my sword into the roof.  That was going to cause one heck of a leak for HankAlvin.  The lash pulled, but I held firm.  The roof tiles began to shatter, and I was pulled slowly toward the street below.

My Counterspell perks allowed me to use the skill without focusing on it, so I applied it to the lash.  The Druid frowned at that, shifting all his casting toward me.  His hands started waving again, so I flung another handful of bricks at him.  Unlike the first throw, this time I applied Powerful Blow to the toss. 

The first handful I’d thrown had amounted to about five pounds of bricks and cement, thrown by a very strong man.  The second throw, by comparison, was about the same mass but had so much more force.  They launched as if I’d fired them out of a cannon.  The Druid could easily deflect it with his skill, but he waited too long to invoke it.  A brick slammed into his chest, sending him flying off the roof.

The caster didn’t even notice.  She was a tall brunette, with short, cropped hair and a bandanna mask that covered most of her face.  She was wearing full, black, leather armor, looking about as much of a Pirate Queen as I thought she could.  That was totally appropriate, because her name showed simply as “The queen.”

“You can just name yourself a queen?” I asked, as Julia flung two more sawblades at the Pirate.  She easily deflected them with her immovable rods. 

“No, it's a title,” stated Shart.  “She is The Queen of the Inner Sea.  She can shorten it to the queen, kind of like Mayor of Windfall, or Fenris of the Northern Wilds.”

“Wait-” I started, but the queen was done with Julia.  She turned to face me, her eyes looking angry.  The queen opened both hands, causing a horde of small, marble-like objects to appear between them. “I want to talk,” I hastily said. 

“Talk to this,” she replied, casting a spell.  Dozens of orbs the size of oranges fired conically.  They were all heading in my general direction.  The D&D player in me was impressed.  I’d often wondered what a cone effect would look like.  It was far more terrifying in real life.

I activated Fancy Footwork.  For good measure, I threw up my Hardened Barrier.

●        Barrier Shattered:  Your barrier has suffered 9 x 45 points of Damage.

●        Fancy Footwork: You have Dodged 7 of 9 Grape Shot.  You suffer 50 points of Damage from 2 strikes.  Magical Knockback, 27 logs, Mitigate Reduces distance by 12 logs.

“Grape shot?” I asked.  “The queen must be from Falcon.”  Freaking wine drinkers.

I bounced repeatedly on my way toward the edge of the roof.  My sword went flying with me.  My efforts to grab at tiles in an attempt to arrest my movement had only one result.  HankAlvin’s neighbors suffered an incredible amount of damage to their roofs.

I’m a one-man hailstorm.

Nearly going over the edge, I found a convenient chimney and used it to block my fall.  The chimney of HankAlvin’s neighbor did not fare well.  It flew into the next neighbor’s roof, shattering tiles everywhere.  I was certain this would come up in the next town meeting.  It was like when Badgelor patrolled the city all over again.

“Did you figure out what you did wrong?” asked Shart.

“Orbs that hit the barrier cause Knockback.  I should have just Dodged,” I grunted, realizing the Druid was already back in place.  He was glaring at me and waving his hands.  That could only mean one thing.  I was about to get enspelled again. 

I activated Flash Steps, driving toward him far faster than should have been reasonable.  Summoning my sword, the blade twirled through the air and slapped into my palm.  In the same moment, the Druid let fly with a blast of lightning. 

The last time I’d walked through lightning, it hadn’t ended well.  This time, I had a barrier.  I flung it as forcefully as I could into the path of his spell.  When it became obvious that the lightning wouldn’t drill through my barrier, he aborted.  While he was doing that, I managed to close on him.  Bringing up my sword, I activated Falling Star Strike.

●        You have been struck in the barrier by 3 Grape Shot.  You suffer 9 logs of Knockback.  You are airborne.  You cannot use Mitigate to resist Knockback of this type.

“Hacks,” I screamed, as I was unceremoniously flung off the side of the building by the queen’s second barrage of orbs. 

“Good job, my love,” stated the Druid.  I lashed out with my whip, wrapping it around his neck.  One quick tug later, I was heading back toward the rooftop, and he was flying past me.  As we passed each other, I caught sight of a very surprised expression. 

I landed right when I heard the boom of his landing.  I realized that, once again, a fruit stand had given its life for battle.  Oddly, the neighboring stand, which sold cabbages, survived to sell cabbages another day.  Somehow, that just seemed wrong.

“Druids love fruit.  I’m sure he’s thrilled,” commented Shart.

I strolled toward the queen, as the rain continued to pour around us. 

“I want to talk,” I growled. 

“Well, Curious Puppy, I see that the Mayor chooses his bodyguards well.  Just give me a few more seconds.  Then, I’ll be happy to have a little chat,” she said, sending two massive rods toward Julia.

Julia’s barrier was damn near impregnable, so, when the first rod punched through the outer shell, I was surprised.  The second rod followed up, smashing through her second barrier.  The shocked princess was exposed.  The follow up shot smashed into her chest, sending Julia through the air like a ragdoll and leaving Dalton exposed. 

The queen flicked her hand, and golden barriers snapped around me.  I was pinned in place, as a new rod formed.  It hovered and spun over her palm.  “What I don’t understand, twitchy, is all the fuss.  For the Mayor of Windfall, he doesn’t seem all that impressive.”

Dalton had no sword, and his Health bar was a sliver of what it should have been.  The next shot was going to kill him.  Even now, he was scrambling to keep Rose protected.  He was a capable warrior, but he was too far away.  He was totally exposed. 

“Hold on.  You think he is the Mayor of Noobtown?” I asked.

The queen nodded.  “It can only be him.”

“He’s not the Mayor of Noobtown,” I said.

“Well, it can’t be Julia,” stated the queen, studying Sir Dalton.  “Why isn’t it him?”

“Because you don’t fuck with the Mayor of Noobtown,” I said coldly, flexing my Counterspell skill against her barriers.  They shattered.  The queen turned to face me, totally shocked.  She ceased charging her spell and attempted to empower her remaining barriers.

The queen’s eyes went wide, as “Curious Puppy” vanished and the “Mayor of Windfall” title burned in her vision. 

I took a step toward her, as she prepared another cluster of orbs.  Now that I knew what to do, I waited for her to cast.  She actually looked surprised that I let her get that far, but, as the orbs rained toward me, I activated a skill. 

●        Fancy Footwork: You have Dodged 14 of 16 orbs.  You suffer 50 points of Damage and suffer 6 Logs of Knockback, negated by Mitigate.

“You need to do better than that,” I said, stepping toward her again.  The queen backpedaled.  I doubted if that spell had ever failed to give her breathing room.  With my Intimidate skill focused on her, I was honestly surprised she was still standing. 

Then I stopped, as the tiles in the roof seemed to be sprouting vines.  They wrapped around my legs, all the way up to my torso.  I glanced over my shoulder to see a very annoyed Druid glaring at me.

“Thanks for all the seeds.  I didn’t know what I was going to do to hold you, but you helpfully provided the raw material,” growled the bloody Druid. 

The Druid was clever.  He had magically enhanced fruit seeds to sprout, and the foliage was entangling me.  Without an ability to move very quickly, I was going to be unable to Dodge what happened next.

“I’m getting annoyed,” I said, as the queen's hands glowed golden with power.  Another swarm of orbs flashed toward me. 

Going through my limited number of options, I decided that the only way I could manage was the anime way.  If the counter to multiple sword strikes was multiple sword strikes, the counter to multiple orb strikes must be multiple sword strikes, as well.

Given that I didn’t have any other options, it all made some degree of sense.

●        Hack and Slash plus Quick Strikes vs Golden Grape Shot.  13 of 13 projectiles blocked.

“No way,” hissed the queen.  That had been more luck than anything.  She had backed about 20 logs away, and there was no ability in her spell to tighten the cone.  I’d been hit with the thirteen projectiles she could focus on at that range, or I would have been.  My Hack and Slash had improved with my new body, as had my Quick Strikes.  I was capable of throwing out exactly thirteen strikes, which allowed me to shatter each grape as it came in. 

“I am getting annoyed,” I repeated, pulling my leg free of a vine.  With the roots not being magical, I could just spend Stamina on Power Lift to break free.  However, I pulled enough of the roof up to get a glimpse inside HankAlvin’s house.

“Oh, that’s where OttoSherman keeps that stuff,” said Shart.  I paused, momentarily considering the efficacy of beating someone, but not for fun, with a cat o’ nine tails.   

The queen, on the other hand, was living up to the motto of “Go big or go home.”  She was focusing all her magic into a single, large, glowing orb.  The orb began spinning in her hands, and the Druid walked up next to her.  He smiled at me.

“Sorry,” he said, watching the orb swell under her power.

“No, you’re not,” I replied.

The queen released the orb, which covered the distance between us in the blink of an eye.  A regular parry wouldn’t work against it; the magic was too heavy.  Fortunately, I had a skill.  I executed a Powerful Parry, which was capable of sending the orb away.

Unfortunately for them, I also had a bunch of what the <system> classified as sports skills.  They included the run-of-the-mill stuff like Catching and Throwing.  There were also some odd ones like Volleyball.  Sports skills, unlike combat skills, usually did not require very many Skill Points to level up.  Generally, they were also not very helpful outside whatever sport they were specifically used for.

One skill I’d taken time to develop was Baseball.  Smacking anything with a bat was enough to grant experience for that great game.  Given that the distance from the pitcher’s mound to home plate was sixty feet, six inches, or about twenty logs on Ordinal, I was perfectly positioned to swat away the orb.  My Baseball skill was high enough to pick my own target.

I batted the orb straight at the queen.  In the nick of time, the Druid pushed her out of the line of attack.  He took the shot straight in his chest, spinning through the air and vanishing over the edge. 

“My cabbages!” yelled someone from below.

“Is that your best?” I asked.  The queen dropped to her knees, panting.  She’d thrown everything she had into that last shot.  She glared at me and stood slowly.  With her mask gone, she looked like an older version of Julia.   

“You should want my help,” she growled, as a glowing rod appeared in each of her hands.  She bent down slightly, striking both against the ground with enough force that I could feel it from where I was standing.  HankAlvin was going to be pissed.

With the queen’s Mana mostly depleted, it was a good time to finish her.  I didn’t like killing people, but I didn’t think I was going to have a choice.  Then, I heard Julia. 

“Cousin, please, you must surrender,” yelled the princess from behind me.  Sir Dalton stood next to her, his massive, two-handed sword propped against his shoulder.  His Health had mostly recovered, and his “BFF of Jim” title was bright overhead.  They looked like a well-worn pair of adventurers.  I doubted that the three of us versus the queen was going to be much of a fight. 

“Stay out of this, betrayer” stated the queen, glaring at Julia with eyes full of pure hatred.  “This is my boss fight.”

I was apparently the city's boss to her. 

“You know you are the city’s boss, right?” asked Shart.

Oh, yeah.

“I’m sorry you feel that I betrayed you.  However, my father did legitimately depose yours,” stated Julia.  Suddenly, everything fit into place.  Julia’s cousin, also named Julia because that was the Victoria or Elizabeth equivalent of Falconian nobility, was pissed that she’d lost her throne.  Julia had glossed over what happened to her cousin after the coup.  I was guessing the queen wasn’t thrilled with the result. 

“And exiled us?” the queen shouted.  “I had been raised from childhood to be the next Queen of Falcon.  Suddenly, I’m not only out of the line of succession, but I’m also banished to a squalid island out east?”

“Your father wasn’t playing by the rules,” said Julia, trying to calm her down.

“The rules are insane!  We fight these pointless show wars for what?  Ratings?” hissed the queen.  “What the hell are ratings?  My father had good ideas, and an entire nation didn’t realize it.  We needed to get out of the cycle of endless wars!”

“The wars keep the country intact,” spat back Julia. 

“You know why I’m doing this.  You know why my father was exiled,” yelled the queen.  “We need a strong ruler in place to prepare for the Dark Overlord!  I told you he was coming back.”

Julia’s head bowed.  “I was just a child.”

“I told you my father’s research in confidence.  I told you that the Dark Overlord would return, and what did you do?  You ratted him out to your father,” yelled the queen.  “The Falconian nobles don’t want to fight against the Dark Overlord.  They want to relax in the comfort of their own power.  When they learned that my father was planning to prepare the country for the Mayor’s arrival, they laughed at him.  They laughed at me.”

“Your father was planning on declaring himself the Mayor!” screamed Julia. 

“Of course, he was.  None of the rest of the family was going to do anything,” stated the queen.  “Not even the threat of the Dark Overlord was enough to rouse the family to anything other than their petty bullshit.  You figured that out at least.”

Julia looked away.

“And the worst part,” continued the queen, “Is that you know he was right.  Oh yes, I’ve heard of the troubled Julia, the foolish princess who believes in ancient myths.  I planted that seed in your mind myself.  Now, you are here to take all the credit with your fake Mayor.”

Julia stared straight into the eyes of her cousin.  “Jim is not a fake.  He is the real Mayor of Windfall.”

The queen paused, evaluating the statement.  Sneering, she responded, “If that is true, he should be begging for my help.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I know how to find the crown,” she replied.  Julia inhaled sharply.  “I can either take it for myself and destroy the Dark Overlord, or I can partner up with the Mayor.”

“You wouldn’t,” gasped Julia.

“I would.  Then, I’d declare myself the Mayor,” spat the queen, glaring at Julia.  “If I had the crown, no one would be able to contest me.”

“Where is it?” asked Julia.

“You can’t believe I’d tell you that,” said the queen, looking at me.  “What is your answer, Mayor?”  By that point, Stormwind and the ogre had both gotten back on the rooftop.  She had been stalling. 

I considered it.  “You think I can just take the crown, but you need the orb.”

“What is your answer?” repeated the queen. 

“Jim, she knows,” said Julia quietly.  The princess had some truth telling magic, and, frankly, I also believed the queen. 

In fantasy stories, these things were always so easy.  The queen wasn’t trying to manipulate me.  She wasn’t crazy, and she may not have even been a terrible person.  She knew what she wanted, saw a path to get there, and was willing to do what was necessary to achieve it.  I needed the crown to avenge Jarra.  That meant that I needed the information the queen had. 

“Fine, I’ll partner with you,” I said through clenched teeth.  She’d killed my troops, but, if I didn’t have that crown, the Dark Overlord would kill far more. 

“You’ll marry me,” said the queen triumphantly. 

I paused and turned my head just enough to see Julia’s falling expression in my peripheral vision.  I was about to protest, but I suddenly realized what she meant.  The queen’s idea of marriage was much the same as Julia’s.  It would involve a contract.  Marriage was a binding deal, with both sides agreeing to the outcome.  The queen’s idea of marriage was a loveless one.

I could live with that.

“Fine,” I spat out. 

“Jim, you just met this person.  You cannot possibly love him,” said Sir Dalton.  He frowned.  “Sorry, I’m used to giving that speech to Hansa.  Switch the pronoun.  I swear that girl will get married the second she turns eighteen.”

I gave him a weak smile.

Dalton facepalmed.  “She got engaged again, didn’t she?”

“Again?” I replied, bringing out the marriage contract.  It was the only copy I had.  Julia had negotiated it, so it was bound to be pretty good.  I used my Lawyer skill to change the names on it and signed it.  Then, I sent it over to the queen.

Julia stepped closer to me.  “You shouldn’t have signed it until she had a chance to read it.  A contract is locked in for seven days after you sign it.”

I shrugged slightly.

“It basically means ‘My way or the Silverado,’,” said Julia.  Upon seeing my clueless expression, she added, “It means you aren’t willing to negotiate.”

“She gets a princess cut diamond and a dress budget,” I said coldly.  “I think she’ll be fine.”

***

The feeling of palpable relief that washed through her when the Mayor accepted was euphoric.  She had put her odds of winning that fight at less than 1 in 10.  That was before her cousin claimed he was the real Mayor.  Actually incapacitating the real Mayor would have been a trick.   

She stepped away to review the contract.  She didn’t get right to it, though.  There was a more pressing discussion she needed to have.  “I’m sorry,” the queen said, looking remorsefully at Stormwind.

“For what, love?” the Druid asked.

“Not telling you.  I couldn’t admit the truth out loud.  It was too painful.” she explained.  “My time in exile was too painful.”

“You act as if I didn’t know,” Stormwind replied.  “I may not know all the details, but I know your beliefs, and I could guess at your motives.”

The queen’s eyes lit up with love for her Druid.  It was an expression she quickly erased.  There would be nothing to give away her thoughts, as she began to review the marriage contract.  Keeping her face passive was hard.  There was a princess cut diamond and a beach house in this thing.  She already knew where she would build it.

“The point?” asked Stormwind, grinning.

“And I know who’s going to be my cabana boy,” grinned the queen, before straightening her expression.  She had initially been upset about the whole contract being thrown in her face, but the queen didn’t think she could have negotiated for half as much herself.

“The workshop?” asked Stormwind.

“I’m assuming I’m supposed to gift it back to him,” replied the queen, as she continued scanning down the page.”

“Weird customs,” stated Stormwind. 

“I’m just waiting for the wine to sour,” responded the queen, scanning the rest of the document.  Each passage was good.  There was enough political power invested in her to ensure she would be the Mayor’s second.  Should anything unfortunate happen to him, her path to the title of Mayor would be clear.

He was going to fight the Dark Overlord.  It was not a given that even the Mayor would survive. 

The queen was almost to the bottom of the page, when Stormwind’s expression shattered.  As she read the last sentence, she knew why.  She had to be faithful to the Mayor.  Only producing heirs with him was a given, but no side pieces?

“It's alright,” said Stormwind sadly.  “It's what you’ve always wanted.”

“Ever since I was a little girl,” whispered the queen, as she looked sternly at the document.  She had grown up knowing she would either be the Mayor or marry him.  If she married the Mayor, they would fight the Dark Overlord together.  That was her destiny, and there was nothing she would ever do to compromise that. 

Stormwind smiled weakly at her, as she held her hand over the cursor.  The queen felt her face burn.  She yanked her hand away and touched her right cheek, where one single tear had broken free of her self-control.  It took her a long moment to realize what was happening.  The moment she saw Stormwind’s sad smile, she knew. 

Destiny was just another cage. 

“I’m sorry, but I’m not a little girl anymore,” she said, clicking <No> on the contract. “We’re going to have to kill him.”

Chapter 60 - Prenuptial Disputes

For the barest of moments, I thought things were going well.  Then, it all went so badly that it rounded the bend, found good, beat its ass, and started all over again.  She led off with another chain shot attack.  I cleaved it in half with my sword, but the queen was basically trying to get me to stay in one spot.  Suddenly, the Druid pointed toward me, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

“Oh, poop,” I muttered, as a massive bolt of lightning flashed down at me.  Julia held up her hand.  A golden barrier sprang into existence.  She had finally activated her Path ability, Impervious Barrier, which. . .turned out to not be so impervious.  As jets of lightning flashed down, it shattered, despite her best efforts.

“He’s further down his Path than I am,” she said through gritted teeth.

As the queen prepared another big spell, I slipped into menutime.  It wasn’t perfect, but it gave me a moment.  I needed to have a quick chat with Shart.  “She wasn’t this tough before.”

“Back then, she was trying to capture you alive, Dum Dum” said Shart.  “You know, holding all her super lethal attacks back and such.”

“And now I’m trying to capture her alive,” I groaned, returning to real time.  I dashed forward, running smack into Julia’s barrier.  Grunting, I was about to ask her to drop it, but the queen beat me to it.  She launched herself into the air, coming down with both her Immovable Rods.  The lightning bolt faded, and the barrier shattered. 

Dalton did a Rising Dragon slash against her, but she caught the Knight’s blade between both her golden rods.  Sir Dalton’s weapon simply stopped in midair.  Despite Dalton's impossibly strong grip, he was facing too much energy.  The Knight was forced to release his weapon, freeing up the queen.  She came straight at me. 

I Dodged.  I knew how those rods worked.  I wasn’t going to be able to just beat through them.  Switching to a stance that favored thrusts and lunges, I rapidly discovered that the queen’s defenses were comparable to Julia’s.  The handful of scratches I was able to score didn’t do much more than annoy her. 

She finally tagged me.  The rods were moving too fast and too erratically for even me to be able to Dodge forever.  The impact was hard enough to send me reeling backward.  She flung one of the rods at me in a shot that should have buried the rod in my bellybutton.  However, once the rod left her hand, I was able to swat it aside using Counterspell and my sword. 

The Damage from her rods was a combination of Bludgeoning and Holy Energy.  It stressed my resistances, but I could handle it. 

“Well, enough fun and games,” I announced, pointing my palm at her.  “Hoopie.”

●        Spell fails:  target has activated a ward against flatulence.

“Seriously?” she asked, summoning a new rod to replace the one I had destroyed.  “I saw you do that one already.”

“I had to try,” I replied.

***

Julia growled.  She was the princess.  She was supposed to be the main character in any story.  That’s how it worked in all the history books.  Unless the Mayor was involved.

She growled again, blocking another duo of lightning bolts.  The Druid worked to batter her with frigid air.  That was actually harder to counter with a barrier.  You didn’t want your barrier to block all airflow, and Julia was not used to having to deal with frigid winds on balmy days. 

Her own Wind’s Sawblades, named after Windfall’s sawmill, was having little luck penetrating the walls of clay that the Druid kept forming.  Julia spared a moment to feel regretful about the person's roof that they were standing on.  It was going to be a total loss.  Jim was probably going to catch hell in the next town meeting over it.  Darkly, Julia realized she was going to have to tank him for a bit.  That would force the Druid to waste enough Mana for her to power through him.

As the two casters jockeyed for position, Julia noticed Dalton’s sword.  She spied the Knight going toe-to-toe with the massive half-ogre.  That problem was one she could handle.  Sparing a moment, she gripped his sword with a prayer and flung it back down to the Knight. 

Turning back to face the Druid, she realized her mistake.  The air in front of her was ionizing in a long channel, leading straight to Stormwind’s open palm.  He grinned, as he activated another one of his Path talents.  A gigantic bolt of lightning rumbled toward Julia. 

There was no time to get her barrier properly built to block that sort of a hit.  If it didn’t kill her outright, it was going to put her out of the fight.  Julia had one way out.  She erected the barrier anyway and prepared to activate her Bloodline trait.  It was her one and only win button to save herself from an attack. 

Jim was right.  She really was the worst princess.  In the stories, whenever a princess had to use the Bloodline talent, it was always to save a city or an army.  They didn’t write stories about women who used it selfishly.

Time seemed to slow, as the lightning bolt erupted from Stormwind’s hand.  It was every bit as horrible as she suspected it would be, and her barrier was going to stop less than half of it.  An instant before she invoked the power that would damn her to obscurity, a bolt of green lightning slammed into the side of Stormwind’s bolt.  His attack was pushed to the side just far enough that her barrier was able to deflect it.

“Focus,” yelled the Mayor, as he continued battling her cousin.  Both were moving so quickly that the poor princess could barely keep up.  Her cousin was striking so purposefully that Julia knew she would have folded in seconds.  Yet, Jim was not only keeping up but pressing her cousin back a bit.  Julia actually felt a small part of herself die.  She was a side character in Jim’s story. 

***

Sir Dalton paused, as the massive bolt of lightning engulfed the half-ogre.  Unlike the casters, the Martial classes had the Hit Points to withstand those strikes.  In theory, they could take it and keep going.

“Alright, brain, try to figure out what just happened,” said Dalton.  After all, he was a detective.  This should be simple.  Stormwind was over there.  Julia was standing between him and Stormwind.  It was a smart strategy, because she could block all his attacks. 

Brain couldn’t figure it out.  That meant it was a problem for the ages.  Suddenly, his ears reported something.  Dalton held up his hand, wondering if his amazing skill had played its part in this.  As he did so, his sword slapped into his palm. 

“Just like Jim,” said Dalton, realizing that he must have learned the Mage Knight blade return technique just by thinking about it.  “No one is as unquestionably skilled as Dalton.”

***

The queen hit the ground and rolled, letting one of her rods orbit behind her.  It was spinning so fast that it looked like one of her cousin’s meager disks.  It shattered, of course, and the queen struggled to keep her emotions in check. 

The Mayor was every bit as powerful as she’d ever dreamed.  He seemed to know all the defensive skills.  On top of that, he also had every damned Resistance perk.  She had trained to be the Mayor ever since she was exiled.  Part of her was thrilled to see it paying off.  The most powerful human in existence had been fighting evenly with her.

Then, he casually blasted away Stormwind’s lightning in the middle of one of her attacks. 

“He’s fucking with me,” thought the queen, her coolness starting to fray under yet another insult.  The Mayor thinks this is all a game!  “I’ll show you a fecking game.”

***

I heard the queen snarl something at me, as I Dodged yet another one of her attacks.  They were technically spells, and I’d finally figured out the right balance to avoid them with a minimum amount of effort. 

“She isn’t wielding the rods like normal weapons.  She’s just holding onto them, using her magic to direct them,” I said to Shart.

“Figure that out all on your own?” asked the demon.  “Did you also figure out that her control is much greater when she’s touching the spell?”

“She’s down to one rod.  I’m going to see if I can trick her out of that one as well,” I told the demon.  Her weakness was simple.  It took her a few moments of concentration to resummon the rod.  If I could get rid of both and stay on her, she would be doomed. 

She released her rod and leapt back.  That was an interesting tactic.  Should I shatter the rod and hope to close before she got another set built, or should I just go after her while the rod was out of position.  I decided for the latter, moving past the rod and preparing to thrust into her chest.  The rod suddenly and inexplicably grew as thick as a tree trunk.

“Oh, she has another Path talent,” said Shart, as the rod extended toward me.  The width was too great for my Dodge to work.  Instead, I tried to use my Parry Anything and Powerful Parry skills to shatter the attack.  My sword carved into the rod like an axe into soft wood.  Also much like an axe into soft wood, my sword got stuck.

Not that it mattered.  The rod expanded more, flinging me off the roof and into the town square.  I was okay.  The statue in the town fountain broke my fall.  I got my feet under me and dug my heels into the thick soil.  Then, I activated Power LIft. 

As I lifted against it, the massive, golden rod flexed.  Whatever magic made it immovable didn’t work at its current size.  With considerable effort, I managed to push it back, despite the resistance of the queen.

“She’s not resisting you,” said Shart.

I prepared to Dodge whatever her follow up attack was, but she wasn’t preparing an attack.  She was staring at the fountain’s statue which, despite losing its entire base, was still hovering perfectly in place.

The queen stretched out her hand, and the statue began to move.  It was quite slow at first, but it gained speed steadily.  When it reached a good rate of speed, she flung it at me.  I leapt over the flying stone, even as I realized her rod was just hovering beside me, totally ignored. 

When the queen brought the statue in for a second strike, I dove under the rod an instant before the statue struck it.  The stone exploded away, revealing a small dark orb at the center of the statue.  It didn’t seem to care that there was an impossibly strong magical rod between us. 

I flung myself out of the way.  The orb blasted past me, close enough that a chunk of my armor vanished.  The Orb of Annihilation certainly lived up to its name, destroying everything it came into contact with.  As the orb flew, it left a thin stream of darkness behind.

“Uh, Shart, any ideas?” I questioned.  I executed a series of flips and Dodges, trying to keep away from the horrid little thing.  After my first close call, I was, at the very least, capable of Dodging it.  I quickly learned that magic didn’t affect it.  The orb simply ate the spell.  Physical objects didn’t slow it; the orb didn’t even notice the wall to HankAlvin’s shop. 

“Don’t get hit,” said the demon.

“What about those lines?” I asked.  The trails left by the orb kept taking longer and longer to vanish. 

“They are Shadow Energy.  The <system> will fix them.  Concentrate on Dodging,” Shart answered. 

I risked time and took a glance at the queen.  She was obviously controlling the orb.  It appeared that she had to focus on it to control it.  She had initially reached out her hand, but that had stopped once she’d gotten full control over the object from hell. 

She flung it at me again.  I took aim and blasted her with BioLightning.  She casually tossed up a barrier, blocking the strike.  All the fact-finding was nice, but I continued to lose ground.  The queen continued to fling the sphere at me.  Suddenly, the tiny ball stopped in midair.

Then, the orb raced off.  It headed to the rooftop where the queen was standing, along with Julia and Sir Dalton. 

***

“Finally,” thought Julia, as the Druid’s Mana began to ebb.  She had been peppering him with blades for a while.  One finally got through, leaving the Druid a bloody mess. 

Sir Dalton bellowed, rushing toward the Druid.  That gave Julia a moment to consider her targets.  With Stormwind occupied and the decapitated half-ogre very dead, Julia was seriously contemplating striking at the rear of her holier-than-thou cousin. 

When you were a high-level Zealot, taking someone alive was easy, especially if you could reattach limbs.  At least that’s what Julia told herself.  Sometimes, when you removed a few limbs, the person didn’t make it.

Raising her hands to bring a dozen or so sawblades down on the queen, Julia received a surprise.  The queen was looking straight at her.  According to the party roster, Jim was still alive, though he was farther away than Julia expected.

“Oh, no,” thought Julia, as her cousin gestured at her.  The small ball of nothing raced straight toward the princess at an incredible speed.  Julia flung all her blades at the orb and generated two barriers.  The sphere reached her, because nothing slowed it.  The ball moved unerringly toward her head.

The instant before it got to her face, the orb suddenly stopped.

***

“Yup, it was those runes,” I said, gripping the orb in my mental hand.  I’d managed to copy the only runes I recognized on the Ring of Protection.  While they objectively increased your ability to mentally communicate with anyone, they had been designed specifically to interface with the orb. 

I yanked hard, pulling it away from Julia and toward the queen.  Realizing what was happening, the queen focused her own Will and slowed the orb.  I began walking toward her, as we both struggled for control of the ball.  Each push and pull caused the sphere to lash out violently, tearing massive holes in the roof.  Eventually, the orb snapped between us like there was an invisible line connecting us. 

We were forty logs apart.  Unfortunately for the queen, the orb had started off within an arm’s length of her.  We were about to play sudden death football, and I was starting at her five-yard line.   

For a moment, I considered my options.  The queen had information I needed, but I might be able to get it through Shart.  If she was running loose with the orb, someone was going to die.  That someone was probably me.  Even my momentary distraction allowed her to push the orb several logs closer to me.

There was no getting around it.  I wouldn’t have another Maggie.  I exhaled, focused my Will, and pressed the orb back at her.  I used every trick that the mental bonds I shared with Shart and Badgelor had taught me.  It didn’t take long. 

The queen struggled and screamed.  Then, she wept.  She held out her ring and begged the orb to stop.  Genetically, she looked close enough to Julia that a piece of my heart broke.  Still, she had killed my people, and I had to do this.  Stormwind blasted Sir Dalton away with the most powerful, desperate wind spell he could manage.  He ran to the queen and enfolded her in his arms.  All I could see was his broad back and her hand jutting out.  I pressed firmly against the orb, breaking through the last bits of her bolstered Will.  Only then did the orb slam squarely into her outstretched palm, where it promptly ran into a protective shell. 

“Oh, that's why she was trying to get the ring first.  The Ring of Protection protects you against the Orb of Annihilation,” said Shart.  “That explains why those runes are there.”

“That’s good to know,” I said calmly, as the queen placed one protected hand around the orb.  Stormwind turned to face the queen, while the queen laughed.  It was not a good laugh.  It was the laugh of a mad woman.  She wiped away a tear, before turning to face me head-on.

For an instant, everything held.  Then, Stormwind let out a ragged breath and slumped slightly.  He had been confident that she was going to die and was unwilling to go on without her.  That would have been fine with me.  I had been ready to kill them both.  I watched, as the queen came to that conclusion herself.  Her face darkened, and her eyes began to glow with a golden aura.   

“Do you know why my family line has been in charge of Falcon since its inception?” she asked in an unearthly voice.  “It is because we have a unique power.  Each and every member of the family can access one of the greatest powers on Ordinal and amplify its results.  It's called Force, and you shall feel its wrath.”

“Wait,” I thought, checking my character sheet, “I have one Force Point.  I can use that to resist her Force Power!”

“Well, if it was just the Dark Overlord, sure,” said Shart carefully, “But she’s a member of the royal line.  Their trait is Improved Force.”

“That’s bad,” I said, remembering that I got my Force from perks.  Traits were better than perks, especially focused traits.

“Yeah, each member of the Falcon royal line gets one Force Point that they can use on any skill or perk.

“I call shenanigans,” I groaned, as she gripped the orb and began to focus her Will. 

“What?  They are the most powerful family on Ordinal.  Did you think that was a fluke?” asked Shart.

The queen’s eyes glowed brighter than a noonday sun, and a floodgate of power was released.  I preemptively activated my Mental Resistance and used a Force Point.  She then began pushing into my Will.

Before, the act of pushing the ball was akin to an adult dragging along a pissed off Labrador.  They might not want to come, but they weren’t able to stop you from dragging them around.  Now, I was pushing against a boulder, and it was rolling straight toward me. 

The initial push, while she was still holding it, was almost enough to shatter my Will.  It was like trying to stop a charging semi with your bare hands, and I wasn’t fond of semis.  My mind reeled, but I was able to regain my focus.  However, the boulder was already rolling downhill, straight toward me. Once she released the orb, it only got harder to resist.

All my efforts were useless.  I could barely slow the thing.  There was no way for me to stop it.  My attempts to push it back were causing the sphere to vibrate mightily.  That, in turn, caused the dark lines it left behind to become so thick you couldn’t see through them.  I tried to come up with a new skill, some sort of Power Lift for the mind, but nothing came to me. 

Furthermore, with the mental connection we were sharing with the sphere, it had a straight path between us.  It was either going to go into my chest or hers, and she was pushing much harder than I was. 

“Wait,” I thought, as my hand jerked to the side from the force of the push.  It wasn’t going toward my chest.  I snatched the ring from my finger.  The orb was attracted to my mental bond, and the mental bond was conducted through the ring.  I tossed the ring into the sky.  Instantly, the sphere flew past me, following the ring.  The ball rapidly caught up to and swallowed the ring. 

The queen grinned, looking down at me.  She began to reassert her grip on the orb, only to loudly gasp in shock.  One of Julia’s disks carved through the Ring of Protection’s barrier and severed her hand. 

Unfortunately, the power of her Will was still being exerted.  With no control over it, the tiny black orb vanished into the clouds.  I leapt up to the rooftop and found Julia holding the queen’s hand.  She slipped off the ring and threw the hand back to the queen. 

“Where did it go?” I thought to Shart.  Without my ring, my communication range to the demon was vastly reduced.  Luckily, Julia was right there. 

“Space, I guess,” replied the demon.

“Can we get it back?” I asked.

“Probably not for a book or two,’ replied Shart. 

“What?”

“I mean, not for a while, Dum Dum” replied the demon. 

Shaking my head, I looked over to the queen and Stormwind.  The queen had reattached her hand and was using her remaining Mana on the Druid.  His wounds were sealing up, but, without additional healing, he was going to die.  Julia had already patched up the worst bits on Sir Dalton.  Aside from some missing skin, I was fine.  

The queen was becoming increasingly desperate, as Stormwind’s Health continued to drop. 

“Elven rules,” I said.

The queen stared at me and nodded.  “I accept your healing.”  I cast Regenerate on the Druid.  It wasn’t flashy, but the effect was persistent.  He would be back at full Health in a few minutes.  More importantly, it did wonders to stop all his internal injuries. 

“Jim, what’s that?” asked Julia, gesturing to the square.  I stared at it for a long moment.  The shadow lines from the orb were not clearing up.  Several of them were getting darker. 

My Mystical Lore supplied me with the term and the meaning behind it.  “It's a rupture.  The orb cut through the Holy Energy that binds the world together, leaving the shadow underneath.  Something is trying to push through.”

“How is that possible?” asked Julia.

“The Dungeon Core exploded in the fast lanes,” I said, causing her expression to go from questioning to wide-eyed horror.  The square below us tore open, and thousands of shadowy beetles began to spill forth from the wounds. 

That alone would have been bad enough, but there was more.  A scant moment later, a finger reached out from one of the rends in reality. 

The Walker of Siers was breaking free.

Chapter 61 - You’re the Mayor

●        Quest: World Boss, Walker of Siers is escaping his prison in the space beyond worlds.  You must defeat him, or he will lay waste to the mortal realm.

“Well, shit,” I said, pretty much summing up the attitude of every single bug-eyed adventurer on the rooftop.  Since all the queen’s forces had quit the field, Zorlando had taken the time to join us.  He didn’t look great, but I was content he would survive.  He really didn’t need to be getting into another fight, though.  I had chosen to stand behind my good friend, mister chimney.  I doubted the brick would do much, but every little bit helped. 

Actually, I’m not sure that ‘quit the field’ carried enough umph.  The queen’s forces had run screaming from the trans-dimensional horror that was going to devour their souls.

SueLeeta gracefully landed on the rooftop with Badgelor.  She took a moment to stare at the fingers protruding from the rip in space and yelled, “What the hell did you do now?”

“Hey, it was all her fault,” I said, pointing to the queen.

“Rule one, it is ALWAYS Jim’s fault,” shouted SueLeeta.  I found Rose, Zorlando, and Dalton all nodding. 

“And if it iz your fault, you have to fix it,” said Rose, as if she was imparting special wisdom.  Sir Dalton smiled at her.  The young woman finished handing out more healing potions and scurried from the roof. 

“Any ideas?” I asked Badgelor.  Or course, he already had one.

The badger hopped off SueLeeta’s shoulder and walked over to the edge of the roof. As he grew to his full, Ultimate Form, I groaned.  Unlike last time, he didn’t sink into the rooftop.

“New talent?” I asked.

“I told you I had the issue under control.  It's called I Am the Night.  For some reason, it's in the bat tree.  It prevents me from damaging architecture when I jump between rooftops.  I’m trying to be more respectful,” the badger explained.  He turned and growled in Badger at the top of his lungs.  “Yo, Toomen, you scrawny piece of jerky, come out here!  You need to do your lightning thing and send this Walker back to his prison.”

“He has lightning powers?” I asked.

“Yes, the Chosen of the Sky has lightning powers.  Who’d have thought it?” snarked Badgelor.

“Not Jim,” replied Shart.

As Badgelor waited for Toomen, a few more fingers poked out.  Next came a large tentacle.  In anime, tentacles looked kind of silly.  On Ordinal, they were definitely troubling.  I turned to point it out to Julia, but she had already taken precautions.  Her sensitive parts were protected with a golden bikini of power.

“I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going,” she whispered to me sagely.  The queen was, likewise, garbed in protective pieces.  I glanced over to find SueLeeta also protected. 

“They are thorough,” I thought to Shart.

“Don’t they have hentai on Earth?” asked the demon.

“Should the men be protected?” I asked, turning to spot Dalton, Zorlando, and Stormwind.  Each was protected by a large, golden bikini.

“I feel so free,” said Dalton, obviously checking out his stat sheet.  “This has a higher defensive value than my normal armor.”

“I’ve been wearing four and a half belts too many,” said Stormwind, removing several articles of clothing.  “To think, all it took was finding a tentacle demon.”

“This is amazing,” began Zorlando, “But my mustache is unprotected.”  Julia groaned but flicked over a small mustache guard.  It's reputation would not be sullied.

“What about me? asked.

“You’re the Mayor,” replied Julia.  “You don’t need any help.”

“Not my assessment,” Shart stated. 

“I am not a one-man army,” I replied, ignoring the red zit.

SueLeeta groaned.  “This is just like when we fought the Dark Overlord last time.  We were all a team, except it was Team Jim and you did most of the work.”

Stormwind looked over at me.  Then, he glanced at the queen.

“He’s the Mayor.  Of course, he’s going to fight the Dark Overlord,” she stated.

“The Dark Overlord really is back,” stated Stormwind.  He paused, letting that fact truly wash over him for the first time.  It was a lot to take in.  “He’s actually returned.”

“He most certainly has, on my honor as a Knight,” stated Dalton, before glancing around conspiratorially.  “Worse, the Dark Overlord can block the blessings of Grebthar himself.”

Stormwind’s eyes went wide, but Julia and the queen were worse.  They were both good Falconian girls, which meant they were devout practitioners of the Grebtharian faith.  The notion of a being so vile that it could suspend the blessings of Grebthar was enough to shake their faith to its core.

“Tell me what he’s saying is impossible,” stated Julia, glaring at me.

“Would me telling you that it’s impossible make you feel better?” I asked.

“Yes,” she responded, taken aback.

“Noted,” I replied.

I walked over to Badgelor, who was having a constructive discussion with a tavern.

“If you don’t come out right this moment, I’m going to Laser Vision the front of the bar clean off,” screamed Badgelor.  Suddenly, Toomen leapt out of the Golden Badger, landing flat on his face.

He lay unmoving.  In fact, upon reflection, it appeared that several older women may have tossed the ninety-pound man out of their establishment.

“Shart, why is the all-powerful Chosen One currently face down in the mud?” I asked.

“Checking,” said Shart.  ‘So, he was in a Curse of Stone for approximately 800 years.  His Mana pool is all screwy.”

“Well, that’s useless,” I said, as a massive hand pushed itself all the way out of the Fast Lanes and into reality.  I considered that for a moment.  “Why is no one attacking the hand?”

SueLeeta glanced over at me, rolling her eyes.  “None of us want to attract the attention of the World Boss.  We were waiting on you.”

Everyone else nodded.

“Fecking Mayor,” I grumbled.  Calling over to Stormwind, I said, “Hey, blast him with lightning.”

“Ouch,” yelled Sir Dalton.

“My roof!” called HankAlvin.

“No, the guy ass-up over there.  He’s in the market square, in front of the Golden Badger,” I ground out.

Stormwind shrugged and fired a bolt of lightning from his palm.  Aside from making Toomen twitch, not much happened. 

“Did you think that would work?” asked Shart.

“I figured Toomen Masterbrooke would absorb the lightning,” I replied.

Stormwind’s eyes grew wide.  “That’s the Chosen of the Sky?  The Master Paladin, Toomen Masterbrooke?”

“Yes, he was a statue yesterday,” I said, holding out my palm and blasting him with BioLightning.

“Wrong kind of magic.  You need to use a Primal Lightning bolt,” yelled Shart.  “That’s real lightning directed by magic.  Your magical lightning is never going to work.”

“Hey, you know your super big lightning attack that melts everything it touches?” I asked Stormwind.  The Druid nodded.  “I need you to use it on that poor, defenseless guy laying over there in the mud.”

“Toomen Masterbrooke?” asked Stormwind.  “The one the legend says the sun always shines on?”

“Yeah, him.  The guy sleeping in the mud puddle.  Light him up,” I stated, gesticulating. “Try to melt his teeth.”

Stormwind looked back at the queen, his eyes wide with horror.  She just nodded.  “He’s the Mayor.  He knows what he’s doing.”

She does not know me at all.

Holding up both hands to the sky, Stormwind activated his Path talent.  A massive lightning bolt erupted from the heavens.  The lightning flashed down toward the overfed, unconscious beatnik.  Right before it hit Toomen, his hand shot up.  The lightning flashed into his palm and vanished.

The lightning bolt continued blasting down for long seconds, as more and more power flowed into the Chosen One.  He stood, his hand still held high.  The lightning continued to flow into him.  It was only then that I noticed the sky was getting clearer. 

“Clouds aren’t the same here, are they?” I asked.

“Clouds are the same everywhere, Dum Dum,” said Shart exasperatedly.  “They are fonts of magical power that hold lightning-tainted Mana.  If you drain all the lightning, the clouds will dissipate, just like a normal cloud.”

“Seriously, Jim, it's like talking to an unintelligent child half the time,” added Badgelor. 

“You and Charles must have talked about clouds at some point,” I said.

“I never paid much attention,” replied the badger.  “As soon as he mentioned cumulonimbus, I checked out.”

“That’s not a real word,” chuckled Shart. 

By now, the rain had stopped, and a shaft of sunlight was bathing Toomen in all his glory.  The scrawny man was now a beast.  He was at least three feet taller and swole to an almost comical point. 

“He Roshi-ed,” I said, thinking of the Dragon Ball character. 

“There it is again,” said Julia groaning.  “He doesn’t know what clouds are, but he does know all the obscure arcane terms.”

“I said that out loud?” I asked. . .out loud.

“You talk to yourself, a lot,” said Julia.  SueLeeta nodded.

“He’s some sort of savant when it comes to annoying people,” said SueLeeta, watching Toomen for a moment.  “Is he smart in that form?”

“He was called a genius by many,” replied Julia, staring at the rock-hard man.

SueLeeta rolled her eyes and looked back over to Dalton. 

The clouds evaporated, leaving a clear sky in a massive circle around Windfall.  As the final cloud dissipated, the last bits of fabric in the net holding Walker back from reality tore free.  The Walker of Siers seemed to pour into reality, his body forming almost instantly.  He oozed into a massive, four-story tall monstrosity. 

His body was a mass of writhing shadow insects, all bound together by some unholy power.  His outer skin appeared to be made mainly of hard-shelled beetles with terrible pincers. They sank into their nearby cohorts, forming an armored shell.  Under those were the tentacles. They seemed to be wound together in bundles, functioning as muscles.  Finally, the bones of creatures lost in the Fast Lanes had been pulled through as well, serving as the skeleton for the terrible creature. 

The insects flowed together, causing the creature to develop a ghastly, shadow face.  He looked like a horrible combination of man and ugly. 

“I have returned to this world to claim my right,” bellowed a mental voice.  I shrugged it off with Mental Resistance, as did Julia.  Badgelor looked okay, though I wasn’t certain if that was because he was a badger or because he had access to my perk.  Everyone else bent over in pain, as the massive psychic shout entered their minds.  Toomen was the other exception.  He seemed unbothered by the voice.

“Like, Walker, it seems you escaped, man,” bellowed the Chosen of the Sky. 

“He bound me to this place once.  I shall have my revenge,” screamed the mental voice of the Walker.  Even Julia flinched.  Everyone but Toomen, Julia, Badgelor, and I collapsed. 

“Okay, but that didn’t go well for you last time, man,” stated Toomen.  He stretched out both his hands, as lightning started to form on them.  The first bolt was so excessively gigantic that it made Stormwind’s attacks seem paltry in comparison. 

The lightning bolt flashed across Walker’s chest.  Hundreds of beetles burned away, as a torrent of electricity flooded through the creature.  With that, Walker took a single step forward.  “Your powers are weak, old man.”

“All the better to blast you with,” stated Toomen, firing off a second lightning bolt.

“That should have been a Star Wars reference,” I said.  Shart grumbled.  I rolled my eyes.  Everything should always be Star Wars references.

“Are we just supposed to stand here and watch Toomen and Walker battle?” asked Julia.

“Do you have anything in your arsenal that could damage it?” I replied.

Julia frowned.  “I don’t, at least, not significantly.  I don't expect we’ll see anyone with Plasma spells around here.”

“Well, I suppose. . .” I said, considering my options. 

“You can’t be serious.  You can’t ‘Jim up’ Plasma,” said Julia, as she tried to keep calm.  Plasma was one of the harder to use magical types.  Practitioners were rare, even among the stratified heights of Falconian nobility. 

I brushed her off and turned to the Druid.  “Stormwind, do you have an enlarge animal spell?”  He was a Druid.  It seemed likely.

“Of course,” replied Stormwind, as he watched Toomen wielding his chosen element in a manner that made his own efforts look pathetic. “It only works on sea creatures, though.”

“I was thinking of having you use it on Badgelor,” I replied.

“Perhaps you misheard,” Stormwind stated.  He raised his voice.  “It only works on sea creatures.”

“It's Badgelor,” shot back the queen.  “You know, the one that every sea shanty ever written is about.”

Stormwind glanced over at Badgelor.  He had shrunk back down to his traveling size and was back on my shoulder.  Badgelor smiled, “How you doin?”

Placing his hand gently on the badger, Stormwind began casting the spell.  Instantly, my foot shot through the roof below, as Badgelor grew expansively.  He pushed away from me, landing hard on all four paws.  The badger continued to expand, until he was finally slightly larger than his Ultimate Form.  Instead of looking like a horse in size, he now resembled an elephant.

“What is your problem with my roof?’ screamed HankAlvin.

“Sorry,” I yelled down.

“I don’t see how this is going to help.  You are still far too small to battle with Walker,” Julia stated doubtfully. 

Badgelor chuckled darkly.  “I was in my smallest form when he cast the spell.  When I expand to my full size, I’ll be as big as the old wizard.”

“That doesn’t help us if no one can actually damage the Walker,” said Stormwind. 

I glanced at my prompts.  I’d been busy and had steadfastly ignored them for quite a while.  It was time to see what was up.

Chapter 62 - Preparations for the Final Battle

●        You have gained two levels in Great General!  You have unspent talent points!

●        You have gained two levels in Swashbuckler!  You have unspent talent points!

●        You have gained one level in Mage-Knight!  Please select your Path!

“I didn’t think I could level up multiple times,” I said, checking the points.

“The second-tier classes based on armies and boats follow a slightly different rule set,” explained Shart.  “Your army level is based on how much you advance the army, and you just earned enough points to raise it twice.”

“And the Swashbuckler class is based on the boat,” I thought, considering my options.  Aside from increases to my various pools, those classes were all but worthless.  Great General didn’t add any combat ability. Or did it.  I was an officer in my own army.  That gave me some Hit Points, but I already had a bunch of those.  Swashbuckler had an ability that I could buy to make me a better fighter on uneven surfaces.  I took it. 

Both of those classes were too specialized to help here.

Next, I glanced at Mage Knight and realized it was finally at leave 15.  I had to choose a Path.

“So, what are you thinking?” asked Shart.  Your Path options were based on how your skills developed.  With my UnBound trait, I had an eclectic mess of skills. 

“Well, there is Plasma Mage,” I said, glancing at that Path.  It focused on using Plasma-based magic.  Ordinarily, it would have been perfect.  However, I’d already hit Charles with a very powerful blast of Plasma, and he was apparently still alive.  Additionally, I would have totally annihilated Badgelor, had he not been resistant to the effects of Plasma.  Taking the Path would probably increase my control, but did I really want to risk turning innocent bystanders into jelly?  Furthermore, I was guessing that the Sier would counteract that weakness as best he could.  I didn’t know if I wanted a Path specializing in a subschool of magic while fighting the literal god of magic.

Then, I saw a Path that formed out of my Counterspell skill.

●        Mage Breaker: This path specializes in the destruction of magical spells and equipment.  You will become exceedingly resistant to magic and gain special benefits when fighting opponents that use magic.

That was a no brainer, if a bit more limited than it appeared.  While Charles used magic extensively, Maggie just used Mana, which the <system> considered a whole different thing.  Then again, my endgame was Charles.  I could deal with people like Maggie conventionally, so to speak.   

The Path had three branches, focusing on Counterspells, Resistances, and Draining.  The base Path abilities involved using a sword and, strangely enough, activating Mana cores.  I asked Shart.   

“Activating new Mana cores is pretty normal when you get into your Path trees,” explained Shart.  “It's related to the Drain abilities.  You need to drain the spell and dump it somewhere.  That somewhere is usually your own internal Mana pool.”

“And I need the cores to convert it,” I said.

“Yes.  Unlike Sorcerers and Wizards, Mages only start with one core activated.  Thus, for Mages, being able to activate your cores is particularly useful.  However, the Drain branch comes with a downside.  You can make the absorption process more efficient, but it will make the manifestation process weaker.”

“Is this compatible with my Font Draining ability?” I asked.

Shart inhaled mightily.  “You mean the ability I jury-rigged into your character sheet?”

“I didn’t think so,” I grumbled, wondering if Resistance would be a better tree to start with.

“Hey, just because it’s not supposed to work, doesn’t mean it can’t!” stated the demon. “Through the magic of Shart, I will rebuild the ability, faster and stronger-”

“Awesome,” I interrupted.

“-once we Remort,” finished the demon.  “Seriously?  I’m in a ball.  I’m coming to the conclusion that all the alcohol here is really the same magical spirit.”

“That hasn’t stopped you from sampling it,” I said.

“Every single bottle,” replied the demon.

Activating the Drain tree, I took the first talent, Mana Absorption.

●        Mana Absorption: Your Counterspell skill will now drain Mana from cast spells. This will reduce their effectiveness on a percentage basis.  Note: You need to have a working Mana Core to drain the Mana.  Alternative cores will drain all types of Mana at reduced efficiency.   You can Drain: Fire, Air, Life. 

I tried to drain the Life Mana from the air, but, of course, it didn’t work.  Magic was worked Mana, and the raw stuff was essentially immune to my power.  Healing spells used Holy Mana, which didn’t normally have a core.  Neither did Shadow, which was about to become very relevant.

I glanced at my talents and realized I had enough points to buy a few more options.  Because there was a huge Shadow monster in front of me, I took the Shadow Core perk.  For a moment, something felt like it was tearing a hole in my insides.  Then, I got a prompt. 

●        <System update>!  Shadow Core Online.  Purchased through talent selection.  Alignment: Unchanged.

“Did you just bring up a Shadow Core?” asked Shart.

“Yes, and I got an alert message,” I replied.

“Most mortals can’t activate a Shadow Core.  If they do, it's typically through some sort of low-level hack into the <system>,” stated Shart.

“Maggie has a Shadow Core,” I said.

“Like Jersey she does,” growled the demon.  “Maggie has directly infected herself with Shadow Mana like a proper, evil little troglodyte.  You, on the other hand, now have a core reserved for Liches, Necromancers, and, apparently, Curious Puppies.”

“Har har,” I said.  “In for a penny.”  I didn’t have enough points to activate everything, but I did have enough to activate my Holy, Plasma, Earth, and Water cores. 

The pain was so great I subconsciously activated my Badger Rage form to mitigate it.  Several of the nearby roof tiles actually lifted off the roof, as I engaged Mana Core after Mana Core.  Finally, all four were activated.

After taking a moment to recover, I activated my Biological Aeromancy core and my Fire core.  I brought my hands together for a moment, watching a barrage of sparks form.  Since they were both from my Mage powers, I didn’t get the terrific Plasma surge I had gotten before. 

I needed to use my Plasma core for that.  There were gasps, as I held up my palm and caused a small glowing ball of Plasma to form.  It was the furnace of a star in my hand, gesturing at Walker and.. .

“Shart, I don’t know any Plasma spells,” I said.  I had cast a BioPlasma Bolt before, but that had been me holding on to the tiger’s tail and praying. 

“Form Blazing Sword?” asked Shart.

I activated that talent.  Immediately, my sword blazed with the power of pure Plasma.  There was a massive exhale.

“Thank Grebthar!  For a moment, you looked like you had no idea what you were doing,” said Julia.

“Hardly,” I replied, realizing that, with my Weapon Master Path, I didn’t need to restrict myself to just my blade.  I drew my whip and concentrated, causing the glowing blue field to extend down the entire whip.  It laid coiled on the ground, next to my feet.

For about a second.

I gripped the handle tightly.  The body of the whip fell straight down, until it was fully extended.  The roof was no impediment to its form.

“Noooo,” screamed HankAlvin.  It was a scream that rivaled Walker’s.  It was a scream that echoed through my core.  It was a scream of loss so great that it tore at my soul.  I could hear the pathetic sobbing of a man who’d lost everything.  “My gimp suit.”

Chapter 63 - Overcoming Insurmountable Loss

“Look, I’m fine with how normal this sort of thing is, but it's just an outfit,” I growled, as Badgelor leapt down into the market square.  Stormwind began chanting.

“That was his favorite thing in the whole world,” said Sir Dalton sagely.

“He has a kid,” I grumbled.

“And how do you think he got her?” asked SueLeeta, rolling her eyes.  She looked more disappointed than anything.   

I sent myself a quest to have the town’s specialty Leatherworker make him a new suit.  Hopefully, that would work.  Satisfied, I turned to face everyone.  “If that’s settled, can we just fight the monster now?”

“Fine,” said Dalton, even though he was looking at me disapprovingly. 

I switched my title over to “BFF of Sir Dalton”, which caused him to grin slightly.  “It's going to be okay,” I said. 

I turned, stepped off the third story roof, and walked down Badgelor.  Normally, he would have complained about it like a little bitch, but the badger was practically stamping his feet.  “Hurry up, you assholes.  I want to kill this thing!”

Stormwind looked tired.  Half his Mana was gone.  The queen walked over to him, stopping just short of hugging him.  Instead, she pressed her forehead up against the Druid for a long moment.  Then, she turned back to face the monster.

A peel of thunder sounded next to me.  Suddenly, Toomen was standing there.  In this new form, he dwarfed Sir Dalton.  I was a mere afterthought.  “Mayor, I’ve been hitting him with everything I’ve got.  The foe will not be vanquished.”

“Trying to fight a World Boss all by yourself?” I chuckled.  “The rest of us would like some experience, too.”

Toomen stared at me for a moment.  Eventually, he laughed, slamming his palm onto my back hard enough that I had to activate Mitigate.  “You Mayors are all cut from the same cloth.  I’ll tell you now what I told Grebthar back in the day.  ‘You got this!  I believe in you.”

It was going to be one of those days.

“Dalton, take the wheel,” I said, gesturing to Badgelor’s neck.

“He doesn’t have wheels.  He has paws,” replied the Knight.

“If this is another attempt at a bad handjob. . .” yelled Badgelor.

“Damn it, use your Charge skill on Badgelor,” I shouted. 

“Oh, that makes sense,” nodded Sir Dalton.

“Just say that, then,” screamed Badgelor.  Dalton walked to the nape of Badgelor’s neck.  He placed one hand in the badger’s fur and focused.

“This will drain most of my Stamina,” Dalton warned, as Toomen blasted Walker with another massive eruption of power.  Julia and the queen were both erecting fields of barriers, trying to divert Walker’s return blasts.  One of the stray blasts from Walker slammed into the front of the tanner’s shop, obliterating the entire structure.   

“Do it!” I yelled, activating my Sea Legs Path talent and applying it to Badgelor. 

“Hold on tight,” yelled Dalton.  Badgelor went from zero to 120 in the blink of an eye, slamming into Walker and knocking the kaiju from the central market.  He landed all the way inside the burnt section of town.  The ground underneath us cracked.  Badgelor’s charge continued, pushing Walker backward.  Eventually, they hit the city wall, leaving a fifty-foot hole in the fortification.

Walker fell, slamming into the ground with an earthquake-like force.  Badgelor’s charge was based on Dalton’s skill and didn’t allow him to stop.  We all raced past the creature until the effect ended.  That only occurred when Badgelor ran face-first into the Ironpass Mine.  The badger promptly threw up everywhere.

“I feel funny,” moaned Kaiju Badgelor. 

“He’s too big,” yelled Shart.  “His Mana flows are going crazy.”

“He’s out of the city.  We can shrink Badgelor down,” I stated, but stopped.  The mine was only a ten-minute walk from town, around half a mile for Earthlings.  At Badgelor’s current size, that was a piddly distance. 

Walker got to his feet slowly, having been knocked hundreds of logs past the town wall.  He turned around and started right back toward the market square.

Half a dozen magical spells exploded on the Walker’s back, but he continued walking forward.  At that range, the spells’ effects were limited, save for Toomen’s more powerful blasts.  The Paladin was busily absorbing more clouds to power his spells.  Even the remaining hawk riders were swooping in and dropping whatever incendiary packages they had left.

Beetles were falling off Walker’s back by the thousands, but it wasn’t enough.     

“Badgelor, get ready for another charge,” I said to the wobbly badger.  Going through the town the other direction was going to be messy, but we couldn’t leave Walker there.

“Sure,” croaked Badgelor, “I just got to make sure my legs are ready to go.”

“Jim, I don’t have enough Stamina.  I need to recover,” yelled the Knight.

“Oh, thank the gods,” muttered Badgelor.  Walker suddenly stopped, just short of the city wall.  On that wall was a man, riding a wolf.  Beakatrix stood next to the pair. 

“Fenris,” hissed SueLeeta.

“He’s alive,” stated Sir Dalton.

“He’s mobile,” added Zorlando.

“Hey, Dum Dum, do you think that truce you have with AvaSophia is going to hold?” Shart asked. 

AvaSophia was going to be pissed.  Her husband had just been healed, yet there he sat, ready for battle.  He was holding the bright purple banner of Windfall.  

“Hopefully, she will focus on the fact that he is alive,” I answered.

“You’re assuming he is going to stay that way,” replied Shart. 

“What the hell is that next to him?” asked SueLeeta.

“A Progenitor,” responded Dalton quickly. 

“How do you know that?” questioned Zorlando. 

“Eggs,” replied Sir Dalton.  “If there is a creature that lays eggs, I know about it.” 

Suddenly, Walker bellowed, bringing a massive hand down on top of the wall. 

Fenris and Kappa leapt from the wall and into the field.  From there, they headed toward the harbor.  The Walker of Siers followed.

“He’s leading it away,” pointed out Sir Dalton, obviously.

Badgelor shrank down to his normal size.  “Carry me,” he moaned, holding out his little front paws.  I sighed but placed him on my shoulder.  With Badgelor incapacitated, everyone had to run toward the harbor.  Even Toomen, who was still drawing in more lightning.  Whatever he had drained at the city was gone.  Now, he was desperately trying to recover it. 

Beakatrix flew overhead.  Mayor, I have fixed your friend, but he is an idiot.”

“What did he do?” I yelled.

“He found out I can make a temporary name changer and insisted I put one together for him,” she replied.  “He is your biggest fan.  He said he wanted to use your name.”

It clicked.

“Toomen, why was Walker locked up?” I yelled.

“He upset Grebthar,” replied Toomen.  From the histories I’d read, that sounded like an understatement.  Walker was a monster long before he’d been banished.

“He’s not after the town.  He’s after the Mayor,” I realized.  I had been standing behind a damn chimney the entire time, so the monster hadn’t seen me.  I had also changed my title to “BFF of Sir Dalton” right before I’d stepped out. 

This realization happened as we all raced after the Walker.  For most of us, that simply meant running.  It was impressive what a group of adventurers could muster when it came to pure speed. 

Others cheated.  The queen generated a large rod, leapt onto it with Stormwind, and launched them toward the harbor, Mercenary Tao-style.  Dalton whistled, and the sound of a horse whinny could be heard from town.  It raced toward Dalton.  The Knight hopped onto his steed without the animal ever slowing down.  My normal mode of transport was groaning on my shoulder, leaving me to my feet. 

Thankfully, I had the Sprint skill.

While I usually just used it for the short-range teleport it offered, the more mundane use of the skill allowed me to run fast.  With my upgraded body, that speed was scary.  Before my upgrade, I could sprint at speeds in excess of thirty miles an hour for short periods.  Now, I could sprint nearly forty miles an hour, but doing so caused my Stamina bar to plunge.

Beakatrix was even having trouble keeping up, despite her ability to fly.  I opened my palm and cast BioLightning at Walker’s back. . .the back of his leg. . .the back of his calf.  Okay, his ankle, I shot him in the damn ankle.  Walker did not care.

“I already tried that,” stated Toomen.  He was sitting on a flying cloud.  “The outer shell of beetles is too powerful for conventional magic.”

“Beakatrix, do you have any engineering attacks you can use?” I grunted out, while continuing to sprint. 

“Just one.  I brought a Dragon with me,” stated Beakatrix.

“Dragon?” muttered Badgelor, lifting his head and looking around.

“I’m sorry, Lord Badgelor,” said the Engineer.  “It is only named after the mythical monsters of yore.  It is a tube that shoots out an explosive.”

“Lame,” groaned Badgelor.

“Okay, fire it at the creature's back.  Toomen, aim for whatever she hits,” I yelled. 

As a massive tube materialized on her shoulder, Beakatrix looked unperturbed.    She must have pulled it from her dimensional storage.  The weight caused her flight to become unsteady, but she found her aim point and fired anyway.

She missed what she was aiming for.  I could tell that by all the swearing, but Walker was massive.  The rocket still slammed into him, hitting his upper left arm and burying itself in beetles.  I was about to ask if that was all it was supposed to do, but there was a sudden, bright flash.  Beetles went flying in all directions. 

Underneath the beetles were at least two other kinds of insects, as well as the bones Walker was using for a skeleton.  That’s what Toomen aimed for when he fired his massive lightning blast.  The blast struck mid-humerus.  Without the protective shell, the limb couldn’t take that much power.  The bone shattered, and the entire limb fell off.  Walker smashed into the ground. 

All the detached insects promptly turned and rushed right back toward Windfall.  The rest of the body stood and continued after Fenris.

“Those bugs aren’t controlled anymore,” I said, coming to a stop.  The tightly packed ball of shadow insects exploded into thousands of individuals.  They were cockroaches the size of terriers, and they loved to eat the flesh off the living.  Mystical Lore was just full of horrible information. 

Dalton and Julia rode up next to me.  Zorlando turned and rushed back to town.  In the silence that surrounded me, I realized everyone was waiting for me to tell them what to do.  A bit of me bristled at their presumption. 

It was only a small bit. 

“Julia, I need you, SueLeeta, and Toomen to stay back with Zorlando.  Clear Windfall of those shadow spawn.  If you don’t, they will kill all the people and set Windfall up as a Shadow Nexus,” I said, digging into Mystical Lore to justify my statement.  “Beakatrix, make another one of those dragons.”

Beakatrix launched herself into the air and gracefully raced to Windfall.  That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. 

“So, a Shadow Source does run under Windfall,” stated Julia knowingly. 

“Yes,” I responded, “and if enough Shadow Mana congeals on the surface, it will merge with the Shadow Source.  It will tear open a portal to the Shadow Realm, a place where nothing living can survive.”

Toomen simply nodded.  Julia watched the torrent of insects for a moment, a look of solid determination crossing her face.  “Alright, Mayor, we got this.”

As she turned to go, I said, “Give me the orb.”

Julia hesitated, then slowly reached down and produced the orb.  “My family has held onto this since Grebthar’s time.”

“You held it for me, and I need it now,” I said unflinchingly. 

Julia nodded.  “Of course.  I did just what I was supposed to do.”

I took the orb and leapt up onto Dalton’s horse, checking the nametag and sighing.  “Your daughters named your horse?” I asked.

“Of course.  They helped me raise him to be the greatest warhorse in the world.”

I nodded.  “Sparkleberry Supreme, show us the meaning of haste.”

Even as fast as I could run, Sparkleberry was still faster.  His powerful hooves tore into the earth.  Combined with Dalton’s talents, the horse launched itself after Walker like a drag racer. 

Every bit of land that the Walker had passed through was dead.  All the trees were stripped of their leaves.  All the grass was just gone.  You could see the parched soil underneath.  Everything the Walker touched died.

I checked the orb, seeing that it was set to contain one powerful entity.  Then, I released Shart, causing him to appear back on my shoulder.

“Why did you do that?  I’m going to be burned alive!” screamed the demon, who was not even smoldering.  “Are you using your Counterspell skill to push all the Mana away from your shoulder.”

“Every last bit.  Now, what the hell do I do to stop the Walker of Siers?” I yelled, as we rode toward the harbor. 

“I don’t know!  I never checked his stats.  He was locked up in the Fast Lanes,” said Shart.  “He’s just supposed to be a powerful wizard who hates Grebthar.”

“He’s full of Shadow Mana.  Nothing living could survive that much Shadow Mana,” I said. 

“Okay, then, he’s a powerful dead wizard who hates Grebthar,” replied Shart. 

“You are the worst demon,” I muttered.  “I’m guessing I can’t just orb him?”

“Of course not!  That's the Walker of Siers.  He’s even resistant to his own orb,” Shart stated.  I grumbled, switching the dial on the orb to lots of small creatures. 

As we got to the rise, I looked down into the harbor.  Once the queen and Stormwind joined us in a battle against our shared enemy, their fleet had stood down.  The Nosebleed had docked, just not for long.  A handful of people were running down the dock and jumping onto the Nosebleed, where sailors dragged them to safety.  I caught sight of Splendid Gloria, the last person fleeing the dock.  A wave of beetles was hot on her trail. 

The Nosebleed was already moving, and she couldn’t make the jump.  That didn’t stop her from trying.  She leapt with every bit of force she could muster, but it wasn’t nearly enough.  A cannonball of a man swung down, snatching her from the water and spinning onto the deck.

“Impressive,” stated Dalton, as the Walker of Siers stopped at the water’s edge.  He glared at Fenris, as the ship pulled into open water.  Suddenly, the Walker buckled, as a burning elf smashed into the back of his knee.

The effect was temporary, as Twinkle was swarmed by the beetles.  They dragged him into the body of the creature.  Suddenly, there was a flash.  Twinkle flew from the creature’s flesh, wisely giving it distance.  The elf’s Hit Points had taken a huge hit.   

“Well, kicking it doesn’t seem to work,” I said.

“I was planning on lancing it,” replied Dalton, storing his sword in his dimensional scabbard and producing his lance.  Ordinal played fast and loose with physics, but the speed and mass of his horse had to count for something. 

“The problem is the other shell ablates all the attacks.  We need to hit it really hard in a vital spot,” I yelled, “Like its brain.”

“The brain is hardly a vital organ,” stated Dalton.  “You should aim for its heart.  That’s where all the blood and vigor is.”

Dalton was still an idiot, but maybe he had a point.  Could we bleed it dry?

The Nosebleed had gotten some distance, bringing its ballista to bear.  While the ship’s complement of anti-shipping bolts was pretty low, Glorious Robert had brought every kind of monster-killing bolt he could find.  Hansa was getting them loaded as fast as she possibly could. 

Acid and fire bolts slammed into the creature, followed by explosives.  Then, more acid came.  His outer shell rippled, as more and more of the beetles were shredded.  The Walker’s body screamed.  He stopped following the coastline and stepped one leg into the harbor.

That was the moment Dalton chose to attack.  He couched his lance and aimed toward the leg still on land, bringing the point of the lance toward the creature’s knee.  Dalton’s full-power impact did slightly over 900 points of Damage to the Walker’s knee, knocking the limb free from the body.  Sparkleberry didn’t stop.  He continued down the coastline at top possible speed, as Dalton discarded his destroyed lance.  The Knight pulled out his sword, while dozens of beetles and worse chased after them.

Of course, I didn’t want to be shown up.

●        Blazing Sword Activated, Plasma Sword engaged.

My sword glowed with the power of the sun, as I smashed into the back of the Walker.  I was carrying so much speed that I was stuck there for a moment, as the beetles attempted to latch onto me.  One slammed into my thigh, its pincers making short work of my armor.  It quickly reached the flesh below.

●        Mana drain active: Shadow Spawn Beetle is draining 10 points of Mana per second.  Shadow Spawn Beetle is taking 20 Damage per second from absorbing Life-tainted Mana.  Shadow Spawn Beetle Dies.

I had been cultivating all my Mana through my Biological Aeromancy core.  That tainted my Mana with Life Energy.  While I could still use that Mana to power my BioPlasma, a Shadow Spawn creature would die from absorbing any amount of it. 

Other nearby beetles shrank back.  I found my footing, driving my Plasma sword into the Walker’s back and up his spine.  Beetles fell off in droves, until I finally got to the monster’s fetid head.  I leapt off the top of his skull and activated Falling Star Strike.  The Plasma, when combined with the force of the attack, blasted the entire top of Walker’s head clean off.  It must be said.  It was one cataclysmic display of awesomeness.

I leapt clear, trying to keep away from his flailing limbs.  Before I had a chance to figure out what was happening, an arm as wide as a semi smashed into me.  I spun off into oblivion, and Walker’s head reformed. 

I hit the water so hard, I bounced.  Skipping like a stone for a perilous moment, I finally slowed down enough for the ocean to claim me.  At least, it tried.  With Shart on my shoulder, I couldn’t possibly go under. 

“What is our next brilliant plan?” I croaked.

“I got some good reads on it,” said Shart.  “There is a centralized cluster in there.  He had to move it to fix the Damage you caused with your strike, but he moved away before you could attack it.”

“More Damage,” I groaned, shaking my head to clear the cobwebs.  “Badgelor, any ideas.”

“My Mana is shot.  I’m on so many cooldowns, I won’t be of any use until after the battle,” said Badgelor.  “I’m stuck at this size, too.”

The Walker was already in the ocean, marching toward the Nosebleed.  The wind wasn’t favoring my ship.  Despite Glorious Robert’s best efforts, he wasn’t going to be able to stay away from the creature forever.

“This is where you ‘Jim’ something up,” said Twinkle, standing on the water next to me.  I glanced over at the drenched elf.  His face was mottled with bruises, and his hair was a wreck. As Twinkle turned his head, I noticed a patch of bare skin in the forest of the elf’s hair. Apparently male pattern baldness is universal. 

“I know.  I already sent two messages to the Nosebleed,” I responded.  “Ready to save the world?”

Twinkle stared at me for a moment, then laughed.  “You must be the bravest elf buddy ever.”  He stuck out his hand, and I grabbed it, standing on the water next to him.  Twinkle paused at that.  “I didn’t know you knew how to Water Walk.”

“I don’t.  I know how to ski,” I said, adjusting myself.  “Can you help Badgelor push me toward the Nosebleed?”

“I fucking hate you!” screamed my ski.  “You got me out of the orb just in case you needed to go on the water.  I knew it!  I knew it, but I trusted you!”

“Bravest ever,” said Twinkle, as we headed toward the ship.

***

Glorious Robert stared down at the message sent to him by the idiot and shook his head.  “He can’t be serious.”

“What did he say?” asked Splendid Gloria, from the safety of her husband’s cabin.  Jim had insisted that he read the message here, instead of on the deck. 

“He wants me to ram the creature,” said Glorious Robert.  “I’m not nearly crazy enough to try that.”

“The ship is metal.  Can’t it take it?” asked Splendid Gloria.

“Possibly, but there would be a million bugs crawling all over it,” responded Glorious Robert.  “We would certainly die.  Plus, I don’t even know if ramming the creature would actually kill it.”

“Jim probably has another plan,” soothed Splendid Gloria.  “He’s the Mayor.  He must have a plan.”

Glorious Robert thought for a long moment.  He thought about the battles they had fought.  He thought about the fight with the supposed Dark Overlord.  He thought about the Walker of Siers.  It was all too much.

“No, he can’t have a plan figured out that will actually work,” said Glorious Robert.  He walked to his cabin door and tried to open it. 

“The ship is turning,” said Splendid Gloria, as she heard her husband beating on the door. 

***

“Are you sure about this, Mister Fenris?” asked Andersen, as the welding compound Hansa had provided sealed the door shut. 

“I trust Jim.  He said it had to be this way,” stated Fenris.  “I have total confidence in him.” 

“It's not him I’m worried about,” said Andersen softly, as Hansa whipped the ship about.  She had that look in her eyes. 

The hysterical laughter wasn’t helping.

***

We motorboated toward the Nosebleed as Hansa, her bright, red hair flowing in the breeze, lined up the ship with Walker.  I was going to have a very narrow window for this to work. 

“Right behind the ship,” I said, as Twinkle and I both used our teleporting skills to increase my effective speed. 

Hansa had circled the ship around and was aiming straight for Walker's heart.  Walker began shooting torrents of insects toward the Nosebleed. 

As they closed, every ballista and crossbow fired continuously.  The insects were caught in waves of explosions.  It looked like there was nothing that would stop the Nosebleed.  Some sailors were leaping from the ship, but Hansa stood firmly at the helm.  She was still laughing, as the ship prepared for impact.

I had been counting the seconds as my sword warmed up.  Even with my expanded Mana pathways powering the spell, I had such a narrow window.  The timing needed to be exactly perfect. 

The moment before impact, I used Shart like a springboard.  Twinkle launched himself into a Rising Dragon Punch, which I just took.

●        Rising Dragon Punch: Damage, 208 points, Mitigate skill not activated.  Knockback Amplified, due to midair strike.  You are knocked back 20 logs.

I soared, sailing over the deck with my Flight skill.  The ship impacted hard, and the creature’s body began to writhe.  The Nosebleed’s bowsprit was all the way through Walker now.  Even the colossal fuckwad had to react to an attack such as that.  He stumbled, his main body unable to counter them.  Walker had to focus on repairing the Damage.

Not that it mattered much.  Hundreds of insects fell from the broken Walker, landing all over the deck of the ship.  Fenris saluted me as I passed, then continued slaying the bastard insects that were going after Hansa and Kappa.

As I closed the last few logs, I activated Heightened Senses.  It had to be now, or everything had been for naught.  As I continued searching, I slowed down time.  Each second dragged, as I scoured Walker for what I was looking for.

“There,” said Shart.

“I see it,” I stated.  Using Airborne Control, I aimed my sword straight at the putrid heart of Walker.  Power radiated from the blade.  Divine smite finally achieved full-power, and my aim was true.

***

Glorious Robert broke open the door and stepped onto the deck of his ship.  The entire cabin had gone dark from all the Shadow Spawn, but he wasn’t going to die locked in his cabin.  As he stepped onto the deck, he saw it was totally clear. 

Twisting around, Glorious Robert scanned the ocean but didn’t see Walker.  Only the massive damage to the front of the ship gave any indication that they had just rammed it. 

“How?” stammered Glorious Robert, as Fenris walked over.

“He’s the Mayor,” replied the Warden.  He was holding a small orb in his hand like it was the most valuable treasure in the world.

Glorious Robert fell to his knees.  “He is.”

***

The old Wizard glared at me with eyes full of mad hatred.  He was so far down his own simmering pit of rage that it had consumed every bit of him.  Perhaps he was even justified.

“How did you figure it out?” muttered Badgelor.

“It was just like the tailor.  He was just a very powerful Revenant, which meant that somewhere inside that mass of insects was the evil that controlled it,” I replied, watching the Wizard thrash against my blade. 

“You are not Grebthar,” he hissed, clutching at my sword.  It was still buried in his chest.  Once I’d had it, I kept right on going.  The amount of Holy Energy attached to my Divine Smite was enough to push away all the Shadow Spawn insects.  That just left the caster.

The shriveled, naked caster.

“He spent all his Mana bringing those Shadow Spawn with him,” said Shart. 

“Damn you, <Kevin>!  It is your brother, <Michael>’s, fault that this happened,” coughed Walker.

“Care to explain?” I asked, sending my own Mana down the blade.  Walker jerked in agony.

“Grebthar is not of this world,” screamed the Walker of Siers.  “He could not handle this world, and he was corrupted!”

“By the Dark Overlord?” I asked.

“By <Michael>,” screamed Walker pitifully.  “I wanted to help save the world.”

I looked into Walker's mad, broken eyes and realized there was nothing there to save.  I nodded.  “You will.”  Placing my palm on the top of his head, I began searching.  I had already drained magical Fonts, so I should be able to handle this.  With the Walker of Siers drawing in Mana to replenish himself, his connection points were easy to find. 

When I felt the click, I began drawing all his power into myself, pouring it into my Shadow Core.  The process took several minutes.  When I pulled my hand away, the Walker of Sier’s body fell apart into dust.

●        You have learned the skill, Drain Other.  <error> This skill should not be available.

●        Max Level is now 73.5.

Chapter 64 - Epilogue

Lorraine was a noble adventurer, Captain General of the Army of Windfall, and certainly not a fangirl.  She absolutely, positively never squealed as she walked through the eastern gate of Windfall.  She told herself how mature and well-mannered she was with literally every step she took.  She had to.  She desperately needed the reminder.

Despite every effort, they had shown up late to the battle.  Four hours and she would have been able to fight with the Dashing Dandies against the Walker of Siers in an epic, world-changing combat.  She was in command, so she had to stay calm.  She could not geek out, even though every single member of the Army of Windfall was doing just that behind her. Lucky bastards.

The only ones who weren’t were Nick, because he was a stick in the mud, and the duke and duchess.   

They were disapproving of everything.  The repairs weren’t going fast enough.  How did the city get attacked when it had a barrier?  If Lorraine had to listen to one more lecture about how Jim couldn’t possibly be the Mayor of Windfall, or how Jim was a stupid name, she was going to kill them both herself.

She also decided that if she ever had a kid with someone, Nick, for example, she would name the child Jim, even if it was a girl.  If anyone had a problem with that, Nick could hold them while she beat the living crap out of them. 

Lorraine looked over at Nick’s entirely impassive face.  She thought she saw a twinkle in his eyes.  Her own narrowed, searching the windows to Nick’s soul.  Yes, they were twinkling.  He gestured with his head toward a purple door. . .with a badger door in it.

I must not geek out.

Geeking out is the mind-killer

Geeking out is the little death.  It brings total obliteration. . .

Lorraine blanked out the rest.  It probably wasn’t important anyway.

“Badger door,” she hissed, and Nick nodded before locking his head in the straightforward position.

“Please tell me you aren’t geeking out, young lady,” uttered the duke.  “When will we see this mayor of yours?  I’m curious to see how he managed to sway someone who is normally so level-headed.”

“Is that Julia?” asked the duchess, tisking.  “The princess?  Well, that explains a lot.  I wonder what the wanted felon and her partner, the mayor, are up to.” 

“Is that Julia?” asked the duke, gesturing toward the other member of the royal family currently in Windfall.  When the duchess glanced at him, he added, “The exiled one.”

“This keeps getting better and better,” said the duchess snidely.  Lorraine would have loved to put them in their places.  However, they had been power leveling for the war, so they were both in the high 40’s.  Of course, Lorraine had an army and knew how to use it. 

“Is that supposed to be Badgelor?” asked the duke, chuckling.  The War Badger grinned at him, his eyes glowing purple.  Lorraine nodded to Badgelor.  The Mayor’s companion nodded back, as was proper between two warriors.  The duke grumbled, “At least he’s in full Ultimate size.” 

“And look!  There’s an elf,” exclaimed the duchess.  “My, this mayor does have interesting friends.”

“Yes, and that one looks like a Toomen Masterbrooke cosplayer,” said the duke, far less confident than he had been a few moments ago.  The shaft of sunlight that seemed to cling to the man was a very impressive “cosplay”, Lorraine thought. 

“Is that the Progenitor?” asked the duchess, gesturing toward the large, beaked woman.  She appeared to be carrying some sort of Engineering contraption.  The Progenitor proceeded to clack her beak at the duchess before whispering something to the Mayor, who chuckled.  The duchess swallowed.  “It is probably time.”

Lorraine knew of their plan.  It was so obvious that she hadn’t even bothered with an attempt to counteract it.  The duke and duchess were going to use their soldiers to rise up against the false mayor.  They were hoping to arrest and execute him.  After all, while good Falconians were supposed to stand with the Mayor, they were also to dispose of false mayors with extreme prejudice. 

The duke nodded, sucking in a breath.  He was prepared to read the riot act to any believers of this nonsense.  He would order his forces to deal with this imposter.  The duke stopped marching and turned to face his soldiers.  These were the same soldiers that he’d started this dynastic conflict with.  These were the same soldiers that he’d explained the new plan to repeatedly.  The look on the duke’s face when he found every single one of them kneeling to the Mayor would go down as Lorraine’s fondest memory ever. 

***

Julia sat impassively.  The Mayor was explaining politely, but firmly, to her aunt and uncle how things were going to work from that point onward.  Both of them looked utterly shell shocked.  Julia couldn’t blame them.  Accepting that the Mayor was back in the world meant that the Dark Overlord would appear soon.  Her family believed in being devout and prepared. 

Watching her uncle flinch after Lorraine reported his behavior to the Mayor was something that the petty part of Julia could still enjoy.  However, she was far too concerned about the future to really savor it. 

In the medium term, the Dark Overlord was coming.  There were preparations to make, armies to mobilize, and supplies to store.  Falcon would be moving into full war footing.

That also meant that her aunt was going to begin pressuring her to marry the Mayor.  That’s not what should have bothered her, though.  Julia was never going to marry for love, and she knew it.  No, what should have bothered her was that Jim was going to prevent her from taking a lover on the side.

Imagine a husband so bitter that he would not even allow his wife the tiny sliver of happiness that a side piece would allow?

However, that did not bother Julia, even as the memories washed through her.  Despite her best efforts, she was forced to wipe away a single tear from her right eye.

“Damn you, Hardragon.”

From the Author

Thank you for reading Noobtown Book 6, Nautical Noobs.  This one was really a journey for me.  If you liked NN, please take the time to review it.  If you didn’t, then stay away from that ratings section!  Haha, I kid, I kid.  Seriously, you have no idea how much a rating can help an independent author like me.

Coming later in 2022:  Noobtown Book 7!  (Yes, I never really stop writing for Noobtown).  You can follow its progress on Noobtown’s Facebook page here. I’m very responsive and love to hear from my fans. Additionally, if you are so inspired to support me in any other way, please don’t hesitate to check out my Patreon page here. Thanks again for reading my writing!  Hope to hear from you soon.

Please check out all of my Noobtown Books!

Mayor of Noobtown  (Audio)

Village of Noobtown  (Audio)

Castle of the Noobs  (Audio)

Dungeons and Noobs  (Audio)

Noob Game Plus  (Audio)