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MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECT10NS

An Ace Book / published by arrangement with
Starblaze Editions of the Donning Company/Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Donning edition published 1987
Ace edition / November 1988

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1987 by Robert L. Asprin.
Cover art by Walter Velez.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,
by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.
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Chapter One:

"Nobody's seen it all!"

—MARCO POLO

THOSE OF YOU who have been following my mishaps know
me as Skeeve (sometimes Skeeve the Great) and that I grew
up in the dimension Klah, which is not the center of culture
or progress for our age no matter how generously you look
at it. Of course, you also know that since I started chronicling
my adventures, I've knocked around a bit and seen a lot of
dimensions, so I'm not quite the easily impressed bumpkin
I was when I first got into the magik biz. Well, let me tell
you, no matter how sophisticated and jaded I thought I had
become, nothing I had experienced to date prepared me for
the sights that greeted me when I dropped in on the dimension
Perv.

The place was huge. Not that it stretched farther than any
other place I had been. I mean, a horizon is a horizon.
Right? Where it did go that other places I had visited hadn't,
was up!

None of the tents or stalls I was used to seeing at the
Bazaar at Deva were in evidence here. Instead, massive

2              Robert Asprin

buildings stretched up into the air almost out of sight. Ac-
tually, the buildings themselves were plainly in sight. What
was almost lost was the sky! Unless one looked straight up,
it.wasn't visible at all, and even then it was difficult to
believe that little strip of brightness so far overhead was
really the sky. Perhaps this might have been more impressive
if the buildings themselves were pleasanter to look at. Un-
fortunately, for the most part they had the style and grace
of an oversized outhouse . . . and roughly the same degree
of cleanliness. I wouldn't have believed that buildings so
high could give the impression of being squat, but these
did. After a few moments' reflection, I decided it was the
dirt.

It looked as if soot and grime had been accumulating in
layers on every available surface for generations, give or
take a century. I had a flash impression that if the dirt were
hosed from the buildings, they would collapse from the loss
of support. The image was fascinating and I amused myself
with it for a few moments before turning my attention to
the other noteworthy feature of the dimension: The People.

Now there are those who would contest whether the den-
izens of Perv qualified as "people" or not, but as a resident
of the Bazaar I had gotten into the habit of referring to all
intelligent beings as "people," no matter what they looked
like or how they used their intelligence. Anyway, whether
they were acknowledged as people or not, and whether they
were referred to as "Per-vects" or "Per-verts," there was
no denying there were a lot of them!

Everywhere you looked there were mobs of citizens, all
jostling and snarling at each other as they rushed here and
there. I had seen crowds at the Big Game that I thought
were rowdy and rude, but these teeming throngs won the
prize hands down when it came to size and rudeness.

The combined effect of the buildings and the crowds

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS     3

created a mixed impression of the dimension. I couldn't tell
if I was attracted or repelled, but overall I felt an almost
hypnotic, horrified fascination. I couldn't think of anything
I had seen or experienced that was anything like it.

"It looks like Manhattan . . . only more so!"

That came from Massha. She's supposed to be my appren-
tice . . . though you'd never know it. Not only is she older
than me, she's toured the dimensions more than I have.
Even though I've never claimed to be a know-it-all, it irri-
tates me when my apprentice knows more than I do.

"I see what you mean," I said, bluffing a little. "At
least, as much as we can see from here."

It seemed like a safe statement. We were currently stand-
ing in an alley which severely limited our view. Basically,
it was something to say without really saying anything.

"Aren't you forgetting something, though. Hot Stuff?"
Massha frowned, craning her neck to peer down the street.

So much for bluffing. Now that I had admitted noticing
the similarities between Perv and Man-hat-tin . . . wherever
that was, I was expected to comment on the differences.
Well, if there's one thing I learned during my brief stint as
a dragon poker player, it's that you don't back out of a bluff
halfway through it.

" Give me a minute," I said, making a big show of looking
in the same direction Massha was. "I'll get it."

What I was counting on was my apprentice's impatience.
I figured she would spill the beans before I had to admit I
didn't know what she was talking about. I was right.

"Long word . . . sounds like disguise spell?"

She broke off her examination of the street to shoot me
a speculative glance.

"Oh! Yeah. Right."

My residency at the Bazaar had spoiled me. Living at the
trading and merchandising hub of the dimensions had gotten

Robert Asprin

me used to seeing beings from numerous dimensions shop-
ping side by side without batting an eye. One tended to
forget that in other dimensions, off-world beings were not
only an oddity, occasionally they were downright unwel-
come.

Of course, Perv was one of those dimensions. What
Massha had noticed while I was gawking at the landscape
was that we were drawing more than a few hostile glares
as passersby noticed us at the mouth of the alley. I had
attributed that to two things: the well-known Pervish temper-
ament (which is notoriously foul), and Massha.

While my apprentice is a wonderful person, her appear-
ance is less than pin-up-girl caliber . . . unless you get
calendars from the local zoo. To say Massha would look
more natural with a few tick-birds walking back and forth
on her would be an injustice . . . she's never tried to look
natural. This goes beyond her stringy orange hair and larger-
than-large stature. I mean, anyone who wears green lipstick
and turquoise nail polish, not to mention a couple of tattoos
of dubious taste, is not trying for the Miss Natural look.

There was a time when I would get upset at people for
staring at Massha. She really is a wonderful person, even
if her taste in clothes and makeup would gag a goat. I finally
reached peace with it, however, after she pointed out that
she expected people to look at her and dressed accordingly.

All of this is simply to explain why it didn't strike me
as unusual that people were staring at us. Similarly, Pervish
citizens are noted for not liking anyone, and off-worlders
in particular, so the lack of warmth in the looks directed at
us did not seem noteworthy.

What Massha had reminded me of, though it shouldn't
have been necessary, is that we were now on Perv, their
home dimension, and instead of an occasional encounter
we would be dealing with them almost exclusively. As I

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

said I should have realized it, but after years of hearing
about Perv, it was taking a while for it to sink in that I was
actually there.

Of course, there was no way we could be mistaken for
natives. The locals here had green scales, yellow eyes, and
pointed teeth, while Massha and I looked . . . well, normal.
In some way, I think it goes to show how unsettling the
Pervects look when I say that, by comparison, Massha looks
normal.

However, Massha was correct in pointing out that if I
hoped to get any degree of cooperation from the locals, I
was going to have to utilize a disguise spell to blend with
them. Closing my eyes, I got to work.

The disguise spell was one of the first spells I learned,
and I've always had complete confidence in it ... after the
first few times I used it, that is. For those who are interested
in technical details, it's sort of a blend of illusion and mind
control. Simply put, if you can convince yourself that you
look different, others will see it as well. That may sound
complicated, but it's really very simple and easy to leam.
Actors have been using it for centuries. Anyway, it's quite
easy, and in no time at all my disguise was in place and I
was ready to face Perv as a native.

"Nice work, Spell-slinger," Massha drawled with decep-
tive casualness. "But there's one minor detail you've over-
looked."

This time I knew exactly what she was referring to, but
decided to play it dumb. In case you're wondering, yes,
this is my normal modus operandi ... to act dumb when
I know what's going on, and knowledgeable when I'm totally
in the dark.

"What's that, Massha?" I said, innocently.

"Where's mine?"

There was a lot loaded into those two words, everything

6               Robert Asprin

from threats to a plea. This time, however, I wasn't going
to be moved. I had given the matter a lot of thought and
firmly resolved to stand by my decision.

"You aren't going to need a disguise, Massha. You aren't
staying."

"But, Skeeve ..."

"No!"

"But ..."

"Look, Massha," I said, facing her directly, "I ap-
preciate your wanting to help, but this is my problem. Aahz
is my partner, not to mention my mentor and best friend.
What's more, it was my thoughtlessness that got him so
upset he resigned from the firm and ran away. No matter
how you cut it, it's my job to find him and bring him back.''

My apprentice regarded me with folded arms and tight
lips.

"Agreed," she said.

"... So there's no point in your trying to ... what
did you say?"

"I said agreed," she repeated. "... As in, I agree it's
your job to bring Aahz back!"

That took me by surprise. I had somehow expected more
of an argument. Even now, it didn't look to me like she
had really given up the fight.

"Well, then ..."

"... And it's my job as your apprentice to tag along
and back your moves. By your own logic, Chief, I'm obli-
gated to you the same way you're obligated to Aahz."

It was a good argument, and for a moment I was tempted
to let her stay.

"Sorry, Massha," I said finally with real regret, "I can't
let you do it.''

"But ..."

"... Because you're going to be my stand-in when the

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS     7

rest of the team takes on Queen Hemlock."

That stopped her, as I thought it would, and she bit her
lip and stared into the distance as I continued.

"It's bad enough that the rest of the crew is going to
fight my battle for me, but to have both of us sit it out is
unthinkable. They're going to need all the help they can
get. Besides, part of the reason for having an apprentice is
so that I can be two places at once . . . isn't it?"

I figured that would end the discussion, but I underesti-
mated Massha's determination.

"Okay, then you lead the fight against Hemlock and /'//
fetch the Scaly Wonder."

I shook my head.

"C'mon, Massha. You know better than that. It was my
thoughtlessness that made him leave in the first place. If
anyone should, if anyone can make him come back it's got
to be me."

She muttered something under her breath that it's probably
just as well I didn't hear, but I was pretty sure it wasn't
wholehearted agreement. With one problem already at hand
from my lack of attentiveness to my associates' moods, I
thought it ill-advised to ignore the fact my apprentice was
upset.

"Look, can we take a few minutes and discuss what it
is that's really bothering you?" I said. "I'd just as soon we
didn't part company on an off note."

Massha pursed her lips for a few moments, then heaved
a great sigh.

"I just don't like the idea of your taking on this chore
alone, Skeeve. I know you know more magik than I do,
but this is one of the meanest of the known dimensions. I'd
feel better if you had a backup is all ... Even if it's just
a mechanic like me. These little toys of mine have helped
us out more than once in the past."

8              Robert Asprin

What she was referring to, of course, was her jewelry.
Nearly all the magik Massha used was of the gimmick variety
. . . magik rings, magik pendants, magik nose studs . . .
hence the nickname within the trade of "mechanic." She
was, however, polite enough to not stress too hard the fact
that her toys were often more effective and reliable than my
own "natural" form.

"You're right, Massha, and I'd love to have you along
. . . but you're needed more against Hemlock. Before you get
too worried, though, just remember I've handled some pretty
tough situations in the past."

"Those weren't on Perv and you usually had your partner
along to handle the rough stuff," she said bluntly. "You
don't even have a D-hopper along."

"I'll get it back from Aahz when I find him. If I'm
successful, we'll be along together. If not, I figure he'll
give me the D-hopper and set it for Klah just to be rid of me."

"... And if you can't find him at all?" Massha gestured
pointedly at the crowds on the street. "In case you haven't
noticed, this isn't going to be the easiest place to locate
someone."

For a change, I was confident when I answered.

"Don't worry about that. I'll find him. I've got a few
tricks up my sleeve for that chore. The trick is going to be
getting him to change his mind."

"Well, can you at least do one thing? As a favor to your
tired old apprentice?"

She tugged a ring off her left pinkie and handed it to me.

"Wear this," she said. "If you haven't shown up by the
end of the week, I'll come looking for you. This'll help me
locate you if you're still in this dimension ... or do you
want to run the risk of being stranded here?"

The ring fit loosely on my right thumb. Any larger, and
I would have had to wear it like a bracelet. Staring at it, a

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

9

sudden suspicion flitted through my mind.

"What else does it do?"

"Beg pardon?" Massha replied with such innocence I
knew I was right.

"You heard me, apprentice. What does it do besides
provide a beacon?"

"Wellll ... it does monitor your heartbeat and alert me
if there's a sudden change in your physical condition, like
say if you were injured. If that happens, I might just drop
in a little early to see what's wrong."

I wasn't sure I liked that.

"But what if my heartbeat changed for normal reasons . . .
like because I met a beautiful girl close up?"

That earned me a bawdy wink.

"In that case, High Roller, I'd want to be here to meet
her. Can't have you running around with just anybody, can
we?"

Before I could think of a suitable reply, she swept me
into a bone-crushing hug.

"Take care of yourself, Skeeve," she whispered with
sudden ferocity. "Things wouldn't be the same without
you."

There was a soft pop in the air, and she was gone. I was
alone in Perv, the nastiest of the known dimensions.

Chapter Two:

"They don't make 'em like they used to!"

—H. FORD

ACTUALLY, I WASN'T as worried as you might think I'd
be from the situation. Like I'd told Massha, I had an ace
up my sleeve . . . and it was a beaut!

A while back, I was part . . . heck, I was the instigator
of a plan to force the Mob out of the Bazaar at Deva. I felt
it was only fair, since I was the one who had given them
access to the Bazaar in the first place, and besides, the
Devan Merchants' Association had paid me well to get the
Mob off their backs. Of course that was before the Mob
hired me to run their interests at the Bazaar, and the Bazaar
agreed to give me a house and pay me a percentage of the
profits to keep the Mob at bay. Sound confusing? It was . . .
a little. Fortunately, Aahz had shown me how the two assign-
ments weren't mutually exclusive and that it was ethically
possible to collect money from both sides . .. well, possible,
anyway. Is it any wonder that I prize his counsel so highly?
However, I digress.

During the initial skirmishes of that campaign, I had ac-

11

12

Robert Asprin

quired a litle souvenir that I had almost forgotten about until
I was getting ready for this quest. It wasn't much to look
at, just a small vial with its stopper held in place by a wax
seal, but I figured it just might mean the difference between
success and failure.

I probably could have mentioned it to Massha, but frankly
I was looking forward to taking the credit for having pulled
off this chore by myself. Smirking confidently, I glared
around to be sure I was unobserved, then broke the seal and
removed the stopper.

Now to really appreciate the full impact of this next bit,
you have to realize what I was expecting. Living at the
Bazaar, I had gotten used to some really showy stuff . . .
lightning bolts, balls of fire . . . you know, special effects
like that. It's a tight market, and glitz sells. Anyway, I was
braced for nearly anything, but I was expecting a billowing
cloud of smoke and maybe a thunderclap or a gong for

emphasis.

What I got was a soft pop, the same as you get pulling
a cork out of a bottle of flat soda, and a small puff of vapor
that didn't have enough body to it to make a decent smoke
ring. End of show. Period. Das ist alles.

To say I was a little disappointed would be like saying
Deveels dabbled in trade. Understatement to the max. I was
seriously considering whether to throw the bottle away in
disgust or actually try to get a refund out of the Deveel who
sold it to me, when I noticed there was something floating
in the air in front of me.

Actually, I should say it was someone floating in the air,
since it was clearly a figure ... or to be accurate, half a
figure. He was bare to the waist, and possibly beyond. I
couldn't tell because the image faded to invisibility below
his navel. He was wearing a fez low on his forehead so it
hid his eyes, and had his arms folded across his chest. His

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    13

arms and torso were pretty muscular, and he might have
been impressive ... if he weren't so small! I had been
expecting something between my height and that of a three-
story building. What I got would have been maybe six to
eight inches high if all of him was visible. As it was, head
and torso only measured about three inches. Needless to
say, I was underwhelmed. Still, he was all I had and if
nothing else, over my various trials and adventures, I had
learned to make do with what was available.

"Kalvin?" I said, unsure of the proper form of address.

"Like, man, that's my name. Don't wear it out," the
figure replied without emerging from under his hat.

Now, I wasn't sure what our exact relationship was sup-
posed to be, but I was pretty sure this wasn't it, so I tried
again.

"Ummm ... do I have to point out that I am your Master
and therefore Ruler of your Destiny?"

"Oh, yeah?"

The figure extended one long finger and used it to push
the fez back to a point where he could look at me directly.
His eyes were a glowing blood red.

"Do you know what I am?"

The question surprised me, but I rallied gamely.

"Ah, I believe you're a Djin. Specifically a Djin named
Kalvin. The Deveel I bought you from said you were the
latest thing in Djins."

The little man shook his head.

"Wrong."

"But ..."

"What I am is drunk as a skunk!"

This last was accompanied by a conspiratorial wink.

"Drunk?!" I echoed.

Kalvin shrugged.

"What do you expect? I crawled into the bottle years

14 Robert Asprin

ago. I guess you could say I'm a Djin Rummy."

Whether my mouth was open from astonishment or to
say something, I'm not sure but I finally caught the twinkle
in his eye.

"Djin rummy. Cute. This is a gag, right?"

"Right as rain!" the Djin acknowledged, beaming at me
with a disarming smile. "Had you going for a minute, didn't
I?"

I started to nod, but he was still going strong.

"Thought we might as well get started on the right foot.
I figure anyone who owns me has got to have a sense of
humor. Might as well find out first thing, ya know? Say,
what's yer name, anyway?"

He was talking so fast I almost missed the opening. In
fact, I would have if he hadn't paused and looked expectantly
at me.

"What? Oh! I'm Skeeve. I ..."

"Skeeve, huh? Funny name for a Pervert."

My response was reflexive.

"That's Per-vect. And I'm not. I mean, I'm not one."

The Djin cocked his head and squinted at me.

"Really? You sure look like one. Besides, I've never
met anyone who wasn't a Perver . . . excuse me, Pervect
. . . who would argue the difference."

It was sort of a compliment. Anyway, 1 took it as one.
It's always nice to know when your spells are working.

"It's a disguise," I said. "I figured it was the only way
to operate on Perv without getting hassled by the natives.''

"Perv!"

Kalvin seemed genuinely upset.

"By the gods, Affendi, what are we doing here?"

"Affendi?"

"Sure. You're the Affendi, I'm the Offender. It'stradition
among Djins. But that's beside the point. You haven't

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    15

answered my question. How did an intelligent lad such as
yourself end up in this godforsaken dimension?"

"Do you know Perv? Have you been here before?" I
said, my hopes rising for the first time since I opened the
bottle.

"No, but I've heard of it. Most Djins I know avoid it
like the plague."

So much for getting my hopes up. Still, at least I had
Kalvin talking seriously for a change.

"Well, to answer your question, I'm here looking for a
friend of mine. He ... well, you might say he ran away
from home, and I want to find him and bring him back.
The trouble is, he's . . . a bit upset at the moment."

"A bit upset?" The Djin grimaced. "Sahib, he sounds
positively suicidal. Nobody in their right mind comes to
Perv voluntarily . . . present company excepted, of course.
Do you have any idea why he headed this way?"

I shrugged carelessly.

"It's not that hard to understand. He's a Pervect, so it's
only natural that when things go wrong, he'd head for..."

"A Pervect?"

Kalvin was looking at me as if I'd just grown another head.

"You have one of these goons for a friend? And you
admit it? And when he leaves you try to get him back?"

Now, I couldn't speak for any of the other citizens of
Perv, but I knew Aahz was no goon. That's fact, not idle
speculation. I knew the difference because I had two goons,
Guido and Nunzio, working for me. I was about to point
this out when it occurred to me that I wasn't required to
give Kalvin any kind of explanation. I was the owner, and
he was my servant.

"I rather think that's between my friend and me," I said
stiffly. "As I understand it, your concern is to assist me in
any way you can."

16             Robert Asprin

"Right-o," the Djin nodded, not seeming to take offense
at my curtness. "Business it is. So what chore brings you

to summon one of my ilk?"

"Simple enough. I'd like you to take me to my friend.''
"Good for you. I'd like a pony and a red wagon, myself."
It was said so smoothly it took a moment for me to register

what he had said.

"I beg your pardon?"

Kalvin shrugged.

"I said, 'I'd like a pony and . . .' "

"I know. I mean, I heard what you said," I interrupted.
"I just don't understand. Are you saying you won't help

me?"

"Not won't . . . can't. First of all, you've never even

gotten around to telling me who your friend is."

"Oh, that's easy. His name is Aahz, and he's ..."
"... And second of all, it's not within my powers.

Sorry."

That stopped me. I had never paused to consider the

extent of a Djin's power.

"It's not? But when I summoned you, I thought you were

supposed to help me."

"... Any way I can," Kalvin finished. "Unfortunately

for you, that doesn't cover a whole lot. How much did you

pay for me, anyway?"

"A silver . . . but that was a while ago."
'' A silver? Not bad. You must be pretty good at bargaining

to get a Deveel to part with a registered Djin for that price.''
I inclined my head at the compliment, but felt obliged to

explain.

"He was in a state of shock at the time. The rest of his

stock had been wiped out."

"Well, don't feel too proud," the Djin continued. "You

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    17

were still overcharged. I wouldn't pay a silver for my ser-
vices."

This was sounding less and less assuring. My easy solution
to the problem seemed to be disappearing faster than a
snowball on Deva.

"I don't get it," I said "I always thought Djins were
supposed to be heavy hitters in the magik department."

Kalvin shook his head sadly.

"That's mostly sales hype," he admitted regretfully.
"Oh, some of the big boys can move mountains . . . literally.
But those are top-of-the-line Djins and usually cost more
than it would take to do the same things non-magikally.
Small fry like me come cheaper, but we can't do whole
bunches, either."

"I'm sorry, Kalvin. None of this makes any sense. If
Djins actually have less power than, say, your average magi-
cian for hire, why would anybody buy them at all?"

The Djin gestured grandly.

' 'The mystique . . . the status ... do you know anything
at all about Djinger?"

"Ginger? As in ginger beer?"

"No, Djin-ger . . . with a 'D' . . . As in the dimension
where Djins and Djeanees come from."

"I guess not."

"Well, once upon a time, as the story goes, Djinger had
a sudden disastrous drop in its money supply."

This sounded a little familiar.

"An economic collapse? Like on Deva?"

The Djin shook his head.

"Embezzlement," he said. "The entire Controller's of-
fice for the dimension disappeared, and when we finally
found someone who could do an audit, it turned out most
of the treasury was gone too.

18              Robert Asprin                 I

"There was a great hue and cry, and several attempts to 
track the culprits, but the immediate problem was what to '
do for money. Manufacturing more wouldn't work, since
it would simply devalue what we did have. What we really
needed was a quick influx of funds from outside the dimen- •

sion.                                                '
"That's when some marketing genius hit on the 'Djin In

A Bottle' concept. Nearly everyone in the dimension who
had the least skill or potential for magik was recruited for
service. There was resistance, of course, but the promoters
insisted it called for temporary contracts only, so the plan
went into effect. In fact, the limited contract thing became
a mainstay of the sales pitch . . . the mystique I was men-
tioning. That's why most Djins have conditions attached ...
three wishes only or whatever, though some are more ethical
than others about how the wishes are fulfilled."
A thought suddenly occurred to me.
"Um, Kalvin? How many wishes do I get from you?
Like I said, the Deveel was a bit shell-shocked and never

said anything about limitations."

"... On wishes or powers, eh?" the Djin winked. "Not

surprising. Shell-shocked or not, Deveels still know how to
sell. In their own way they're truly amazing."

"How many?"
"What? Oh. I'm afraid my contract only calls for one

wish, Skeeve. But don't worry, I'll play it clean. No tricks,
no word traps. If you're only going to get one for your
money, it's only fair that it's legit."

"I see," I said. "So what can you do?"
"Not much, actually. What I'm best at is bad jokes."

"Bad jokes?"
"You know, like 'How do you make a djin fizz?"

"I don't think ..."
"Drop him in acid. How do you ..."

19

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

"I get the picture. That's it? You tell bad jokes?"

"Well, I give pretty good advice."

"That's good. I think I'm going to need some."

"I'll say. Well, the first piece of advice I've got for you

is to forget about this and head for home before it's too late.''
For a moment the thought was almost tempting, but I

shook it off.

"Not a chance," I said firmly. "Let's go back to my
original request. Can you advise me on how to find Aahz?''

"I might have a few ideas on the subject," the Djin
admitted.

"Good."

"Have you tried a phone book?"

By now suspicion had grown into full-blown certainty.
My hidden ace had turned out to be a deuce ... no, a
joker. If I was counting on Kalvin for the difference between
success and failure, I was in a lot of trouble.

Until now I had taken finding Aahz for granted, and had
only been worrying about what to say once we were face-to-
face. Now, looking at the streets and skyscrapers of Perv,
I was painfully aware that just finding Aahz was going to
be harder than I thought . . . a lot harder!

Chapter Three:

'It's not even a nice place to visit!"

—FODOR'S Guide To Perv

EVEN AFTER GETTING used to the madness that was the
Bazaar at Deva, the streets of Perv were something to behold.
For one thing, the Bazaar was primarily geared for pedestrian
I   traffic, the Merchants' Guild being strong enough to push
through ordinances that favor modes and speed of travel
that almost forced people to look at every shop and display      !
they passed. My home dimension of Klah was a pretty
backward place, and I had rarely seen a vehicle more ad-
vanced or faster than an oxcart.

Perv, on the other hand, had thoroughfares split between
foot and vehicle traffic, and, for an unsophisticated guy like
me, the vehicle traffic in particular was staggering. Literally
hundreds of contraptions of as many descriptions jostled
and snarled at each other at every intersection as they clawed
for a better position in the seemingly senseless tangle of
streets through which the torrent surged. Almost as incred-
ible as the variety of vehicles was the collection of beasts
which provided the locomotive power, pushing or pulling

22 Robert Asprin

their respective burdens while adding their voices to the
cacophony which threatened to drown out all other sounds
or conversation. Of course, they also added their contribu-
tion to the filth in the streets and smells in the air. It might
be the metropolitan home of millions of beings, but Perv
had the charm and aroma of a swamp.

What concerned me most at the moment, however, was
the traffic. Walking down the street on Perv was a little like
trying to swim upstream through a logjam. I was constantly
having to dodge and slide around citizens who seemed intent
on walking through the space I was already occupying. Not
that they seemed to be trying to hit me deliberately, mind
you. It's just that nobody except me seemed to be looking
where they were going. In fact, just making eye contact
was apparently a rare occurence.

"This friend of yours must really be something for you
to put up with this," Kalvin commented drily.

He was hovering in the vicinity of my shoulder, so I had
no difficulty hearing him over the din. I had worried about
how it would look having a Djin tagging along with me,
but it seems that while they're under control Djins can only
be seen and heard by their owner. It occurred to me that this
was fairly magikal and therefore in direct contrast to the
line Kalvin was selling me about how powerless he was.
He in turn assured me that it was really nothing, simply
part of a Djin's working tools that would be no help to me
at all. I wasn't assured. Somehow I had the feeling he wasn't
telling me everything about his abilities or lack thereof, but
having no way to force additional information out of him,
I magnanimously decided to let it ride.

"He's more than a friend," I said, not realizing I was
slipping into the explanation I had decided earlier not to
give. "He was my teacher, and then my business partner

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    23

as well. I probably owe him more than any other person in
my life."

"... But not enough to respect his wishes," the Djin
supplied carelessly.

That brought me to a dead stop, ignoring the crush and
jostling of the other pedestrians.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's true, isn't it? This guy Aahz obviously wants
to be left alone or he wouldn't have walked out on you, but
you're determined to drag him back. To me that doesn't

sound like you really care much about what's important to
him."

That hit uncomfortably close to home. As near as I could
tell Aahz had left because I had been rather inconsiderate
in my dealings with him. Still, I wasn't going to turn back

now. At the very least I wanted a face-to-face talk before
I let him disappear from my life.

"He was a bit upset and throwing a snit-fit at the time,"
I muttered, avoiding the question of my motives completely.

"I just want him to know that he's welcome if he wants to
come back."

With that I resumed my progress down the street. Half a

dozen steps later, however, I realized the Djin was laughing
ruefully.

"Now what?"

"Skeeve, you're really something, you know?" Kalvin
said, shaking his head. "Perverts . . . excuse me, Pervects
. . . are feared throughout the dimension for their terrible,
violent tempers. But you, you not only describe it as a
snit-fit, you're willing to show up on Perv itself just to make
a point. You're either very good or an endangered species.''

It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't making as much
use of my Djin as I might. I mean, he had said that one of

24             Robert Asprin

the things he was good at was advice, hadn't he?

"I don't know, Kalvin. I've never had much trouble with
them. In fact, one of the things Aahz told me was that
Pervects manufacture and spread a lot of the bad rumors
about themselves just to discourage visitors."

"Oh, yeah?"

The Djin seemed unconvinced.

"Well, let's see then. Could you share some of the things

you've heard about this dimension with me?"

Kalvin shrugged.
' 'If you want. I remember hearing about how one of your

buddy's fellow citizens ripped off some guy's head and spit

down his throat . . . literally!"

I ducked around a heavyset couple who were bearing

down on me.

"Uh-huh. I heard the same rumor, but the one doing the

ripping was a Troll, not a Pervect. Nobody actually saw
that one, either. Besides, right now I'm more interested in
information about the dimension than hearing tales of indi-
vidual exploits."

I thought I lost Kalvin for a moment when I flattened

against a wall to avoid a particularly muscular individual
and the Djin didn't make the move with me, but when I
stepped out again he was back in his now-accustomed place.

"Well, why didn't you say so, if that's what you wanted
to hear?'' he said as if there had been no interruption.'' About
Perv itself. Let me think. There's not that much information
floating around, but what there is ... Ah! Got it!"

He plucked a thick book out of thin air and started leafing
through it. I was so eager to hear what he had to say that
I didn't comment on that little stunt at the moment, but I
also vowed anew to inquire further into Kalvin's "meager
powers" when the opportunity presented itself.

"Let's see . . . Parts . . . P'boscus . . . Perv! You want

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    25

the statistics or should I skip to the good part?''

"Just give me the meat for now."

"Okay. It says here, and I quote, 'Perv: One of the few
dimensions where magik and technology have advanced
equally through the ages. This blend has produced a culture
and lifestyle virtually unique in the known dimensions. Per-
verts are noted for their arrogance, since they strongly be-
lieve that their dimension possesses the best of everything,
and they are extremely vocal in that belief wherever they
go. This is despite ample proof that other dimensions which
have specialized in magik or technology exclusively have
clearly surpassed Perv in both fields. Unfortunately, Per-
vects are also disproportionately strong and are notorious
for their bad tempers and ferocity, so few care to argue the
point with them.' End quote."

Coming from Klah, a dimension which excelled at neither
magik nor technology, I found the writeup to be pretty
impressive. Kalvin, on the other hand, seemed to find end-
less amusement in it.

"... 'Despite ample proof . . . ' I love it!" he chortled.
"Wait'11 the next time I see that blowhard."

For some reason, I found this vaguely annoying.

"Say, Kalvin," I said, "what does your book say about
Djinger?''

"What book?"

"The one you ..."

I took my eyes off the foot traffic and glanced at him.
He was dusting his hands innocently. The book was nowhere
in sight.

I was opening my mouth to call him on his little disappear-
ing act when something piled into me and sent me careening
into a wall hard enough to make me see stars.
"Where do you think you're goin'. Runt?"
This last came from the pudgy individual I had just col-

26             Robert Asprin

lided with. He had stopped to confront me and stood with
his fists clenched, leaning slightly forward as if being held
back by invisible companions. Fat or not, he looked tough

enough to walk through walls.

"Excuse me . . . I'm sorry," I mumbled, shaking my
head slightly to try to clear the spots that still danced in

front of my eyes.

"Well . . . watch it next time," he growled. He seemed

almost reluctant to break off our encounter, but finally spun
on his heel and marched on down the sidewalk.

"You shouldn' t let that fat lug bluff you like that," Kalvin

advised. "Stand up to him."

"What makes you think he was bluffing?" I said, resum-
ing my journey, taking care to swerve around the other
Pervects crowding the path.' 'Besides, there's also the minor
detail that he was big enough to squash me like a bug."

"He raised a good point, though," the Djin continued
as if I hadn't spoken. "Just where are we going, anyway?"

"Down the street."
"I meant, 'what's our destination?' I thought you said

the phone book was no help."

Despite its millions of inhabitants, the Pervish phone book
we found had turned out to have less than a dozen pages.
Apparently unlisted phone numbers were very big in this
dimension, just one more indication of the social nature of
the citizens. Of course, leafing vainly through it, it had
occurred to me that Aahz had been with me off-dimension
for so long that it was doubtful he would have been in the
book even if it contained a full listing.

"I repeat, we're going down the street," I repeated.
"Beyond that, I don't know where we're going. Is that what

you wanted to hear?"

"Then why are we moving at all?" the Djin pressed.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    27

"Wouldn't it be better to wait until we decided on a course
of action before we started moving?"

I dodged around a slow-moving couple.

"I think better when I'm walking. Besides, I don't want
to draw unnecessary attention to us by lurking suspiciously
in alleys while I come up with a plan."

"Hey, you! Hold it a minute!"

This last was blasted with such volume that it momentarily
dominated the street noise. Glancing behind me, I saw a
uniformed Pervect who looked like a giant bulldog with
scales bearing down on me with a purposeful stride.

"What's that?" I said, almost to myself.

Of course, unlike the direct questions I had put to him,
Kalvin decided to answer this one.

"I believe it's what you referred to as 'unnecessary atten-
tion' . . . also known in some dimensions as a cop."

"I can see that. I just can't understand what he wants
with me."

"What did you say?" the cop demanded, heaving to a
halt in front of me.

"Me? Nothing," I replied, barely remembering in time
that he couldn't see or hear Kalvin. "What's the trouble,
officer?"

"Maybe you are. We'll see. What's your name?"
"Don't tell him!" Kalvin whispered in my ear.
"Why?" I said, the words slipping out before I had a
chance to think.

"Because it's my job to keep track of suspicious charac-
ters," the cop growled, taking my question as being directed
at him.

"Me? What have I done that's suspicious?"
"I've been following you for a couple of blocks now,
and I've seen how you keep swervin' around folks. I even

Robert Asprin

28

saw you apologize to someone and . . . say, I'll ask the
questions here. Now, what's your name?"

"Tell him to bag it!" Kalvin advised. "He doesn't have

a warrant or anything."

"Skeeve, sir," I supplied, desperately trying to ignore
the Djin. All I needed now was to. get in trouble with the
local authorities. "Sorry if I'm acting strange, but I'm . . .
not from around here and I'm a little disoriented."

I decided at the last moment to try to keep my off-dimen-
sion origins a secret. The policeman seemed to be fooled
by my disguise spell, and I saw no point in enlightening

him unless asked directly.

"You're being too polite!" the Djin whispered insistantly.
"That's what made him suspicious in the first place, re-
member?"

"Not from around here, eh?" the cop snarled. "So

tell me, Mr. Can't-Walk-Like-Normal-Folks-Skeeve, just
where is it you're from . . . exactly^"
'So much for keeping my origins a secret.
"Well, I was born on Klah, but lately I've been living

at the Bazaar at Deva where I ..."

"From off-dimension! I might have known. I suppose
comin' from Deva that you're going to try to tell me you're

here on business."

"Well, sort of. I'm here looking for my business partner."

"Another one from off-dimension! Any more and we'll

have to fumigate the whole place."

The cop's mouth was starting to get on my nerves, but 1
thought it wise to keep a rein on my temper, despite the

warning from Kalvin.

"Actually, he's from here. That is, he's a Pervect."
"A Pervect? Now I've heard everything. A fellow from

off-dimension who claims to have a Pervect for a business

partner!"

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    29

That did it.

"That's right!" I barked. "What's more, he happens to
be my best friend. We had a fight and I'm trying to find
him and get him to rejoin the company. What's it to you,
anyway?"

The cop gave ground a little, then scowled at me.

"Well, I guess you're tellin' the truth. Even someone
from off-dimension could come up with a better lie than
that. Just watch your step, fella. We don't like outsiders
much on Perv."

He gave me one last hard glare, then wandered off, glanc-
ing back at me from time to time. Still a little hot under the
collar, I matched him glare for glare.

"That's better," Kalvin chortled, reminding me of his
presence. "A Klahd, huh? That explains a few things.."

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

Like I said, I was still a little miffed.

' 'Like why we've been wandering around without a plan.
You aren't used to metropolises this size, are you?"

Mad as I was, I couldn't argue with that.

"Well ..."

"If you don't mind, could I offer you a little advice
without your asking for it?"

I shrugged non-committally.

"It's obvious to me this little search of yours could take
some time. It might be a good idea if we hunted up a hotel
to use for a base camp. If that cop had asked where you
were staying on Perv, things might have gotten a little awk-
ward."

That made sense. It also brought home to me just how
much of a stranger in a strange land I was. On most of my
adventures I had either slept under the stars or had housing
provided by friends or business associates. Consequently,
I had remarkably little experience with hotels. .. like none.

30             Robert Asprin

"Thanks, Kalvin," I said, regaining a bit of my normal
composure. " So how do you recommend we find a hotel?''

"We could hail a cab and ask the driver."
Terrific. The Djin was being his normal, helpful self. I
was beginning to feel some things weren't going to change.

Chapter Four:

"Taxis are water soluble."

-G. KELLY

"I'LL TELL YA, this would be a pretty nice place, if it
weren't for all the Perverts."

The taxi driver said this the same way he had made all
his comments since picking us up: over his shoulder while
carelessly steering his vehicle full tilt through the melee of
traffic.

I had ignored most of his chatter, which didn't seem to
bother him. He apparently didn't expect a response, but this
last comment caught my interest.

"Excuse me, but aren't you a Pervert ... I mean, a
Pervect?"

The driver nodded vigorously and half turned in his seat
to face me.

"There. See what I mean?"

Frankly, I didn't. If there was logic in his statement, it
escaped my comprehension. What I did see, however, was
that we were still plunging forward without slacking our
speed. There was a tangle of stopped vehicles ahead which

31

32             Robert Asprin

the driver seemed obliyious to as he tried to make his con-
versational point. A collision seemed inescapable.

"Look out!'' I shouted, pointing frantically at the obstruc-
tions.

Without losing eye contact, the driver's hand lashed out

and smashed down on the toy stuffed goose that was taped
down in front of him. The thing let out a harsh, tremendous
"HONK!!" that would have gotten it named king of the

geese if they ever held an election.

"Anyway, that's what I'm talkin' about." The driver
finished and turned his attention forward again.

The traffic jam had miraculously melted away before he
had finished speaking, and we sailed through the intersection

unscathed.

"Relax, Skeeve," Kalvin laughed. "This guy's a profes-
sional."

"A professional what?" I muttered.

"How's that?" the driver said, starting to turn again.

"NOTHING! I ... nothing."

I had been unimpressed with the taxi since it had picked
us up. Actually, 'picked us up' is much too mild a phrase
and doesn't begin to convey what had actually happened.

Following Kalvin's instructions, I had stepped to the curb

and raised my hand.

"Like this?" 1 said, making the mistake of turning my

head to ask him directly.

Facing away from the street, I missed what happened
next, which is probably just as well. The normal traffic din
suddenly erupted with shrieks and crashes. Startled, I jerked
my hand back and jumped sideways to a spot a safer distance
from the street. By the time I focused on the scene, most

of the noise and the action had ceased.

Traffic was backed up behind the vehicle crouched at the
curb beside us, and blocked drivers were leaning out to

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    33

shout and/or shake their fists threateningly. There may have
been a few collisions, but the condition of most of the
vehicles on the street was such that I couldn't be certain
which damages were new and which were scars from earlier

skirmishes.

"That's right," Kalvin said, apparently unruffled by the
mayhem which had just transpired. "Get in."
"You're kidding!"

The vehicle which had stopped for us was not one to
I inspire confidence. It was sort of a box-like contraption
| hanging between two low-slung, tailless lizards. The reptiles
| had blindfolds wrapped around their head obscuring their
! eyes, but they kept casting from side to side while their
i tongues lashed in and out questing for data on their surround-
ings. Simply put, they looked powerful and hungry enough
for me to want to keep my distance.

"Maybe we should wait for another one," I suggested
hopefully.

"Get in," the Djin ordered. "If we block traffic too long
the cop will be back."

That was sufficient incentive for me, and I bravely entered
the box and took a seat behind the driver, Kalvin never
leaving my shoulder. The interior of the box seemed safe
| enough. There were two seats in the rear where I was sitting,
and another beside the driver, although the latter seemed
filled to overflowing with papers and boxes that would oc-
casionally spill to the floor when we took a corner too fast
... which was always. There were notes and pictures pinned
and taped to the walls and ceiling in a halo around the
driver, and a confusing array of dials and switches on the
.panel in front of him. Basically, one had the suspicion the
jdriver lived in his vehicle, which was vaguely reassuring.
|;I mean, the man wouldn't do anything to endanger his own
phome, would he?

34 Robert Asprin

"Where to?" the driver said, casually forcing his vehici
back into the flow of traffic.
"Urn, just take me to a hotel."

"Expensive . . . cheap . . . what?"

"Oh, something moderate, maybe a bit on the inexpensive
side."

"Right."

I was actually pretty well set financially. A money belt
around my waist had over two thousand in gold I had brought
along to cover expenses on my search. Still, there was no
sense throwing it away needlessly, and I figured since
didn't plan to spend much time in my room, I wouldn'
need anything particularly grand.

Within the first few blocks, however, I had pause to
reconsider the wisdom of my choice of vehicles. As far as
I could tell, the lizards were blindfolded to prevent their
animal survival instinct from interfering with the driver's
orders. I couldn't figure out how he was controlling them
but he seemed determined to maintain a breakneck pace
regardless of minor considerations like safety and common
sense.

"So, have you two been on Perv long?"

The driver's voice dragged me back to the present my
mind had been trying so desperately to ignore.

"Just got here today. In fact."

Suddenly, I zeroed in on what he had said.

"Excuse me, did you say 'you two'T'

The driver bobbed his head in acknowledgment.

"That's right. It isn't often I get a Klahd or a Djin, much
less one of each in the same fare."                     .

He not only knew how many we were, he had spotted!
what we were! Needless to say, the news was not welcome. \

"What the ..." Kalvin started, but I silenced him with
a gesture.                                              |

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECHONS    35

"Before I answer, do you mind my asking how you
knew?" I said, casually glancing around to see if there was
a way we could exit rapidly if necessary.

"Scanned you when you got in," the driver said, pointing
briefly to a small screen amidst the clutter of his other
devices. "A cabbie can't be too careful these days . . . not
with the crime rate the way it is. We're moving targets for
every amateur stick-up artist or hijacker who needs a quick
bankroll. I had that baby installed so I'd know in advance
what was sittin' down behind me."
He shot me a quick wink over his shoulder.
"Don't worry, though. I won't charge you extra for the
Djin. He don't take up much space. So far as I can tell,
you two are harmless enough."

That reassured me, at least to a point where I no longer
considered jumping from the moving vehicle.

"I take it you don't share the general low opinion of folks
from off-dimension?"

"Don't make no never mind to me, as long as you pay
your way," the driver waved. "As far as I can tell, you
got enough money on ya that I don't think you'll try to
welch on anything as piddling as a cab fare. Keep up the
disguise, though. Some of the merchants around here will
raise their prices at the sight of someone from off-dimension

just to make you feel unwelcome . . . and things are already
priced sky-high."

"Thanks for the warning."

"... And you might be careful carrying so much cash.
Everything you've heard about crime on the streets in this
place is true. In fact, you'd probably be best off hiring
yourself a bodyguard while you're here. If you want, I can
recommend a couple good ones."

"You know, that might not be a bad idea," Kalvin said.
"In case I hadn't mentioned it, Djinger is a pretty peaceful

36             Robert Asprin

dimension. I won't be much help to you in a fight."

I ignored him as the cabbie continued, apparently unable
to hear the Djin despite his various devices. Remembering
some of the dangers I had faced in my adventures, the idea
of hiring someone to guard me just to walk down the street

seemed a little ludicrous.

' 'I appreciate your concern, but I'm pretty good at looking

out for myself."

"Suit yourself, it was just a suggestion. Say, you want

something to eat? I sell snack packs."

He used one hand to pick up a box from the seat beside
him and shove it in my direction. It was filled with small

bags with stuff oozing through the sides.

"Uh . . . not just now, thanks," I said, trying to fight

down the sudden queasiness I felt.
The driver was not to be daunted. He tossed the box back

onto the seat and snatched up a booklet.

"How about a guidebook, then? I write and print 'em
myself. It's better'n anything you'll find on the stands . . .

and cheaper, too."

That might have come in handy, but glancing at it I could

see the print was a series of squiggles and hieroglyphics
that were meaningless to me. I always travel with a translator
pendant to get around the language barrier, but unfortunately

its powers don't extend to the written word.
"I don't suppose you have a Klahdish translation, do

you?"

"Sorry," he said, tossing the booklet in the same general

direction the box had gone. "I'm takin' a few courses to
try to leam some other languages, but Klahdish isn't one ;

of them. Not enough demand, ya know?"             I

Despite my continuing concern over his attention to his
driving, the cabbie was beginning to interest me.

"I must say you're enterprising enough. Cab driver, pub-

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    37

lisher, cook, translator... is there anything else you do?''

"Oh, I'm into a lot of things. Photography, tour guide .. .
I even draw a little. Some of these drawings I did. I'd be
willing to part with them for the right price."

He gestured at some of the sheets adorning the interior,
and the cab veered dangerously to the right.

"Ah . . . actually, I was interested in something else you
said just now."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Tour guide."

"Oh, that. Sure. I love to when I get the chance. It's
sweet money. Beats the heck out of fighting the other hacks
for fares all day long."

I glanced at Kalvin and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Go ahead," he said. "We could use a guide, and you
seem to be getting along with this guy pretty well. You
know what they say, 'Better the Deveel you know.' "

Obviously the Djin's knowledge did not extend to De-
veels, but this wasn't the time or place to instruct him. I
turned my attention back to the driver.

"I was thinking of hiring you more as a guide than a tour
guide. How much do you make a day with this cab?"

' 'Well, on a good day I can turn better than a hundred.''

"Uh-huh," I said. "How about on an average day?"

That earned me another over-the-shoulder glance.

"I gotta say, fella, you sure don't talk like a Klahd."

"I live at the Bazaar at Deva," I smiled. "It does wonders
for your bargaining skills. How much?"

We haggled back and forth for a few minutes, but even-
tually settled on a figure. It seemed fair, and I wasn't exactly
in a position to be choosy. If the device the cabbie had used
was widespread in his profession, my disguise would be
blown the second I stepped into a cab, and there was no
guarantee the next driver would be as well disposed toward

Robert Asprin

38

off-dimensioners as our current junior entrepreneur.

"Okay, you've got yourself a guide," the driver said at
last. "Now, who am I working for?"

"I'm Skeeve, and the Djin with me is Kalvin."

"Don't know about the Djin," the cabbie shrugged.
"Either he don't talk much or I can't hear him. Pleased to
meetcha, though, Mr. Skeeve. I'm Edvik."

He extended a hand into the back seat, which I shook
cautiously. I had encountered Pervish handshakes before
and could still feel them in my joints in wet weather.

"So, where do you want to go first?"

That seemed like a strange question to me, but I answered

it anyway.

"To a hotel, same as before."

"Uh-uh."

"Excuse me?" I said, puzzled.

"Hey, you hired a guide, you're going to get one. You're

about to check into a hotel, right?"

"That's right."
"Well, you try to check into a Pervish hotel the way you

are, without luggage, and they're going to give you a rough
time whether they figure you're from off-dimension or not.
They'll be afraid that you're trying to get access to a room
to steal the furniture or maybe to try to break into other

rooms on the same floor."

That was a new concept to me. While I had a fairly

extensive wardrobe at home, I usually traveled light when
I was working . . . like with the clothes I was wearing and
money. It had never occurred to me that a lack of luggage
would cause people to be suspicious of my intentions.

"What do you think, Kalvin?"

"Beats me," the Djin shrugged "I've never run into the
problem. Of course, I travel in a bottle and people can't

see me anyway."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    39

"Well, what do you recommend, Edvik?"

"Let me take you by a department store. You can pick
up a small bag there and maybe some stuff to put in it.
Believe me, it'll pay in the long run in dealing with a hotel.''

I pondered the point for a moment, then decided it was
senseless to hire a guide, then not listen to his advice.

"All right," I said at last. "How far is it to this store
you were talking about?"

"Oh, not far at all. Hang on!"

This last warning was a bit late, as he had already thrown
the cab into a tight U-tum which scrambled the traffic around
us and sent me tumbling across the seat. Before I could
recover my balance we were well on our way back in the
direction we had come from.

As accustomed as I was to madcap excursions, it occurred
to me that this one was quickly becoming more complex
than anything I had previously experienced. I hoped the
education would prove to be more enjoyable and beneficial
than it had been so far.

Chapter Five:

"I just need to pick up a few things."

—I. MARCOS

I'VE MADE NUMEROUS references to the Bazaar at Deva,
where I make my home. For the benefit of those who do
not travel the dimensions or read these books, it's the largest
market center in the known dimensions. Anything you can
imagine, as well as many an item you can't, is for sale
there. Competition is stiff, and the Deveel merchants will
turn themselves or their customers inside out before they'll
let a sale get away.

I mention this so that everyone following this adventure
will realize what a shock shopping on Perv was to me. The
differences were so many, it was almost hard to accept that
the same activity was underway in both instances.

For openers, there was the basic layout. The Bazaar is
an endless series of stalls and shops that stretch over the
horizon in all directions. There are various concentrations
of specialty shops, to be sure, but no real pattern and, more
important, no way of finding anything without looking. In
direct contrast, Pervish shopping is dominated by what Edvik

41

42             Robert Asprin                 |

referred to as "department stores." One store could take
up an entire city block with as many as six stories crammed
full of merchandise. The goods are organized into sections
or "departments" and carefully controlled so as not to be
in competition with each other. Signs are prominently dis-
played to tell shoppers where everything is-, though it is still
relatively easy to get lost in the maze of aisles and counters.
Of course, it also helps if you can read Pervish.

Perhaps the biggest difference, however is in the general
attitude toward customers. This was apparent when I made

my first stop in the luggage department.

There was a good selection of bags and cases there, and
the displays were laid out well enough so that I could distin-
guish between the magikal and non-magikal bags without
being able to read the signs. It wasn't even that hard to
make my selection. There was a small canvas suitcase
roughly the size of a thick attache case which caught my
eye both from the simplicity of. the design and the fact that
it was magikally endowed. That is, it had a permanent spell
on it which made it about three times as large on the inside
as it showed on the exterior. It occurred to me it might be
a handy item to have, and if I was going to buy something
to check into a hotel with, it might as well be something I
could actually get some use out of later. The difficulties

started when I was ready to make my purchase.

Up to this point, I had been pleasantly surprised that the

sales help had left me alone. On Deva,I would have been
approached by the proprietor or one of his assistants as soon
as I set foot in the display area, and it was kind of nice for
a change to browse leisurely without being pressured or
having whatever overstock was on sale that day touted to
the heavens. Once I had made my selection, however, I
found that getting the attention of one of the salesmen was
astoundingly difficult.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

43

Standing by the display which featured the bag I wanted,
I looked toward the cash register where two salesmen were
engrossed in conversation. On Deva, this would have been
all that was necessary to have the proprietor swoop down
on me, assuming he had given me any room to start with.
Here, they didn't seem to notice. Slightly puzzled, I waited
a few moments, then cleared my throat noisily. It didn't
even earn me a glance.

"Are you coming down with something, Skeeve?" Kal-
vin said anxiously. "Anything contagious, I mean?"

"No, I'm just trying to signal for one of the salesmen.''

"Oh."

The Djin floated a few feet higher to peer toward the cash
register.

"It doesn't seem to be working."

"I can see that, Kalvin. The question is, what will?"

We waited a few more moments and watched the salesmen
in their discussion.

"Maybe you should go over there," the Djin suggested
at last.

It seemed strange to pursue a salesman to get him to take
my money, but lacking a better idea I wandered over to the
sales counter.

. . . And stood there.

The salesmen finished their discussion of sports and
started on dirty jokes.

. . . And stood there.

Then the subject was the relative merits of the women
they were dating. It might have been interesting, not to
mention instructional, if I hadn't been getting so annoyed.

"Do you get the feeling I'm not the only one who's
invisible?" Kalvin muttered sarcastically.

When a Djin who's used to sitting in a bottle for years
starts getting impatient, I figure I'm justified in taking action.

44 Robert Asprin

"Excuse me," I said firmly, breaking into the conversa-
tion. "I'd like to look at that bag over there? The small
magik one in green canvas?"

"Go ahead," one of the salesmen shrugged and returned
to his conversation.

I stood there for a few more moments in sheer disbelief,
then turned and marched back over to the bag.

"Now you're starting to move like a Pervect," the Djin
observed.

"I don't care,'-' I snarled. "And that's Pervert! I've tried
to be nice . . . didn't want to mess up their display . . .
but, if they insist ..."

For the next several minutes I took my anger out on the
bag, which was probably the safest object to vent my spleen
on. I hefted it, swung it over my head, slammed it against
the floor a couple times, and did everything else to it I could
think of short of climbing inside. I've got to admit the thing
was sturdily made. Then again, I was starting to see why
goods on Perv had to be tough. The salesmen never favored
me with so much as a glance.

"Check me on this, Kalvin," I panted, my exertions
finally starting to wear on my endurance. "The price tag
on this bag does say 125 gold, doesn't it?"

I may not be able to read many written languages, but
numbers and prices have never given me any trouble. I
guess it comes from hanging around with Aahz as long as
I have . . . not to mention Tananda and Bunny.
"That's the way I read it."

"I mean, that's not exactly cheap. I've seen clerks treat
10-copper items with more concern and respect than these
guys are showing. Don't they care?"

"Not so's you'd notice," the Djin agreed.
'' Do you think they' d notice if I tried to just tuck it. under
my arm and walk out without paying? It would be nice to

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    45

know something can get to these guys."
The Djin glanced around nervously.
' 'I really don't know, but I don't think you should try."
That cooled me down a bit. I was still in strange territory

on a mission, and it was no time to start testing security
systems.

"Okay," I growled. "Let's try this again."
This time, when I approached the sales counter, I figured
I had learned my lesson. No more Mr. Nice Guy. No more
waiting around for them to end their discussion.
"I'd like to buy that green magik bag, the small canvas

one," I said, bursting into their conversation in mid-sen-
tence.

"All right."

The salesman I had first spoken with was halfway to the
display before I realized what he was doing. Now that I had
his attention, my normal shopping instincts cut in.

"Excuse me. I'd like a new case rather than the floor
display... and is there any chance you have it in black?"

The salesman gave me a long martyred look.

"Just a moment, I'll have to check."

He went slouching off while his partner began wandering
aimlessly through the section straightening displays.

"If you don't mind my saying so, Skeeve, I think you're
pushing your luck," Kalvin observed.

"Hey, it's worth asking," I shrugged. "Besides, however
inconsiderate the help is, this is still a store. There's got to
be some interest in giving the customer what he wants."

Fifteen minutes later, the salesman still hadn't reappeared
and I found my temper was starting to simmer again.

"Um ... is it time to say 'I told you so' yet?" the Djin
smirked.

Ignoring him, I intercepted the second salesman.
"Excuse me, how far is it to the storeroom?"

Robert Asprin

46

"Why do you ask?" he blinked.
"Well, your partner was checking on something for me,

and it's been a while."

The salesman grimaced.                              I
"Who? Him? He's gone on break. He should be back in

an hour or so if you'd like to wait."

"What??"
"I suppose I could go look for you, if you'd like. What

was it you wanted?"

As I've said before, I may be slow, but I do learn. This

was the last salesman in the section and I wasn't about to

let him out of my sight.

"Forget it. I'll take the small green magik bag over there.

The one in canvas."

"Okay. That'll be 125 in gold. Do you want to carry it

or shall 1 give you a sack?"

Before I could think, my Bazaar reflexes cut in.
"Just a second. That's 125 for a new bag. How much

will you knock off the price for one that's been used for a

floor display?"

Kalvin groaned and covered his eyes with one hand.

"I don't set the prices," the salesman said, starting to
turn away. "If you don't like it, shop somewhere else."
The thought of starting this fiasco all over again defeated

me.

"Wait a minute," I called, fumbling with my money

belt. "I'll take it. But can I at least get a receipt?"

Shopping for clothes turned out to be a trial of a different
sort. There were magik lifts that carried me up two floors
to the clothing section, which fortunately gave me time to

think things through.

The trouble was that I was disguised as a Pervect. Because

of their build, this made me appear much more heavyset

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

47

than I really was. If I bought clothes to fit my disguised
form, they'd hang on the real me like a tent. If I went for
my real size, however, it would be a dead giveaway when
I asked to try them on.

What I finally decided to do was to shop in the kids'
section, which would be the best bet for finding my real
size anyway, and say I was buying them for my son. I had
gotten pretty good at eyeballing clothes for size, so the fit
probably wouldn't be too bad.

I needn't have worried.

It seems a lot more people shop for clothes than shop for
luggage. A lot more.

Not being able to read the signs, I couldn't tell if there
was a sale on or if this was the normal volume of customers
the section got. Whatever the case, the place was a
madhouse. Throngs of shoppers, male and female, jostled
and clawed at each other over tables heaped with various
items of apparel. To say angry voices were raised fails to
capture the shrieks and curses which assaulted my ears as
I approached the area, but I- could make out the occasional
sounds of cloth tearing. Whether this was from items on
sale being ripped asunder by rival shoppers; or the rival
shoppers themselves being ripped asunder I could never tell
for sure. It was like watching a pileup at the Big Game,
but without teams and without breaks between plays.

"Don't tell me you're going into that!" Kalvin gasped.
"Without armor or artillery?"

It seemed a strange question for someone from a sup-
posedly peaceful dimension to ask, but I was busy concen-
trating on the task ahead.

"This shopping thing is already taking too long," I said
grimly. "I'm not going to lose any more time by having
Edvik hunt us up another store . . . especially since there's

48              Robert Asprin

no guarantee it will be any better than this one. I'm going
to wade in there, grab a couple of outfits, and be done with

it once and for all."

Good taste and a queasy stomach at the memory prevent

me from going into detail on how the next half hour went.
Suffice it to say that Kalvin abandoned me and hovered
near the ceiling to watch and wait until I was done. Now
I've knocked around a bit, and been knocked around more
times than I care to recall, but if there's any memory that
compares to holding my own against a mob of Pervish
shoppers, my mind has successfully suppressed it. I elbowed
and shoved, used more than a little magik when no one was
looking and called on most of the dirty tricks I learned in
the Big Game, and in the end 1 had two outfits I wasn't
wild about but was willing to settle for rather than enter the
fracas anew in search of something better. I also had a
lingering fondness for the fat Pervish lady I hid behind from

time to time to catch my breath.

Having sat out the battle, Kalvin was in good shape to

guide me back to the exit. That was fortunate, since the
adrenalin drop after emerging from the brawl was such that
I could barely see straight, let alone walk steadily.

I don't know where Edvik was waiting, but his cab
materialized out of the traffic as soon as we emerged from
the store and in no time we were back in the safety of the
back seat. It wasn't until later that I realized what a commen-
tary it was on department stores that the cab now seemed

safe to me.

"Can we go to the hotel now?" I said, sinking back in

the seat and shutting my eyes.

"Like that? Don't you want to change first?"
"Change?" Somehow I didn't like the sound of that.
"You know, into a conservative suit. Business types al-
ways get the best service at hotels."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    49

Kalvin groaned, but he needn't have worried. If there
was one thing I knew for sure, it's that I wasn't heading
back to that store.

"Tell you what, Edvik. Describe a suit to me."

The cabbie rubbed his chin as he plotted his way through
the traffic.

"Well, let's see. They're usually dark grey or black . . .
three piece with a vest . . . thin white pinstripes closely
spaced . . . and, you know, the usual accessories like a
white shirt and a striped tie."

Just as I thought. The same as was worn on Deva . . .
and every other dimension I've met businessmen on. I closed
my eyes again and made a few adjustments to my disguise
spell.

"Like this?"

The cabbie glanced over his shoulder, then swiveled
around to gape openly.

"Say! That's neat!" he exclaimed.

"Thank you," I said smugly. "It's nothing really. Just
a disguise spell I use."

"So why didn't you use that to fake the new outfits and
the luggage instead of hassling with the stores?"

' 'I was about to ask the same thing,'' Kalvin murmured.

For the life of me, I couldn't think of a good answer.

Chapter Six:

There's no place like home!"

—H. JOHNSON

ONCE WE FINALLY arrived at the hotel Edvik had chosen
to recommend, I was a bit put off by the sight. It had a sign
that declared it to be The New Inn, but it looked like most
of the other buildings we had seen so far, which is to say
it was old, dilapidated, and covered with soot. Then again,
even if its appearance had been better, the neighborhood it
was in would have given me pause. Between the garbage
in the streets and the metal shutters on the store windows,
it wasn't an area in which I would normally be inclined to
get out of the cab, much less rent a room. I was about to
comment on this to my driver/guide, when I noticed the

uniformed doorman and decided to make my inquiry a bit
more gentle.

"Ah . . , this is the low-price hotel you've been figuring
on?"

"It's about as low as you can go without ending up in a
real dive," the cabbie shrugged. "Actually, it's a little nicer
than most in the same price range. They've had to lower

51

52             Robert Asprin

their prices because of the trouble they've been having."

"Trouble?"
"Yeah. There's an ax murderer loose around here that

the police haven't been able to catch. He's been killing
about one a week . . . last week he got one right in the

lobby."

"Ax murderer??!"
"That's right. You don't have to worry about it, though."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's been going on for a month now, and since
you're just checking in, and you've never been here before,
there's not much chance they'll try to blame you for it."

Actually, that hadn't been my worry. I had been more
concerned with my odds on being the next victim. Before
I could clarify this to Edvik, however, the doorman had
jerked open the door of the cab and snatched up my bag.

"You'd better follow your bag and keep an eye on it,"
the driver advised. "I'll be by in the morning to pick you
up. Oh, and be sure to tip the baggage handler. Otherwise
it may not be recognizable by the time you get it back."

The lizards were already starting to move as he imparted
this last piece of wisdom, so I dove for the door before the
vehicle gathered too much momentum and I ended up per-
manently separated from my luggage. Needless or not, I
had gone through far too much to get it to lose it now.
Before I had pause to think that I was losing touch with my
guide and advisor for this dimension, the cab had turned a

corner and disappeared.

"I think this guy wants a tip," Kalvin said, gesturing

toward the doorman. At least I still had the Djin with me.
I had to acknowledge his point. The uniformed Pervect
was standing stuffily, with his palm up and a vague sneer
on his face that would probably pass for a smile locally. I
only hesitated a second before slipping him some loose

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS     53

change. Normally, I would expect someone to wait until
after he had performed a service before hinting for a tip,
but obviously things differed from dimension to dimension.
This was probably what Edvik had been warning me about
. . . that the doorman would want money before moving
my bag, and that if the juice wasn't big enough, it was
"Goodbye luggage!" In a way, it made sense.

My speculation on this philosophy was cut short when I
noticed another person, a bellhop this time, picking up my
bag and heading inside with it, leaving the doorman outside
weighing the tip I had just given him in his hand. I began
to smell a rat.

"Where is he going?" I said to the smug doorman, as
casually as I could manage.

"To the front desk, sir."

"But he has my bag."

"Yes. I suggest you follow him closely. He's not to be
trusted, you know."

"But . . . Ohhh . . .!"

I knew when I had been outmaneuvered. Apparently, all
the doorman did was open cab doors and off-load the bag-
gage . . . not carry the bags inside. Of course, the fact that
I had tipped him assuming he would perform that service
was my fault, not his. Defeated, I trailed after the bellhop,
who was waiting inside with his hand out in the now all-too-
familiar gesture that means "Pay or you'll never see the
end of me." This time, however, I was more than happy
to pay him off. Whatever Edvik had said, I had decided I
would be better off handling my own luggage from here on
out.

Kalvin muttered something in my ear about not paying
the help until they had finished their work, but the bellhop
seemed to understand what it was all about, since he disap-
peared as soon as I paid him. Ignoring Kalvin's grumbles,

54 Robert Asprin

I turned my attention to the hotel interior.

The reception area wasn't much larger than the space we
used for similar purposes back at M.Y.T.H. Inc., except
the furnishings were dominated by a huge counter which I
assumed was what the doorman had referred to as the front
desk. Of course, to my mind this made the lobby rather
small since, as a hotel, this place was supposed to get more
public traffic than our consulting offices did. Personally, I
felt it boded ill for the size of the rooms. Then again, I had
told Edvik to take us somewhere inexpensive. I supposed I
couldn't expect low rates and stylish accomodations, and
given a choice ...

"May I help you?"

This last came from the Pervect behind the front desk. It
might read polite, but the tone of his voice was that of one
addressing someone who just walked through the front door
with a box of garbage.

"Yes," I said, deciding to give pleasant one last try.
"I'd like a room, please. A single."

The desk clerk looked as if I had just spat on the floor.

"Do you have reservations?"

The question surprised me a little, but I decided to stick
with honesty.

"Well, I'm not wild about the neighborhood . . . and
then there's the rumor about the ax murderer ..."

"Skeeve . . . SKEEVE!!" Kalvin hissed desperately.
"He means, 'Do you have a reservation for a room?"

So much for honesty. I shot a look at the desk clerk, who
was staring at me as if I had asked him to sell his first-bom
into slavery.

"... But, um, if you're asking if I reserved a room in
advance, the answer is no," I finished lamely.

The clerk stared at me for a few more moments, then ran
a practiced finger down a list on the desk in front of him.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    55

"I'm afraid that all we have available at this time is one
of our Economy Rooms. You really should reserve in ad-
vance for the best selection."

"An Economy Room will be fine," I assured him. "I'll
need it for about a week."

"Very well," the clerk nodded, pushing a form at me
across the desk, "If you'll just fill this out, the rate will be
a hundred in gold."

I was glad I had been warned about prices on Perv. A
hundred in gold seemed a bit steep to me, but having been
forewarned I managed to hide my surprise as I reached for
the form.

"... A day. Payable in advance, of course."

My hand stopped just short of the form.

' 'A hundred in gold a day?'' I said as carefully as I could.

"Skeeve!" Kalvin yipped in my ear. "Remember, you
were warned things were expensive here! This is a low-
priced hotel, remember?"

"Payable in advance," the clerk confirmed.

I withdrew my hands from the desk.

"How much time do you want to spend looking for a
room, Skeeve?" the Djin continued desperately. "The cab
won't be back until morning and it's getting dark out. Do
you really want to walk these streets at night?"

I took a hundred in gold from my money belt and dropped
it on the desk, then started filling out the form.

"I assumed that each day is payable in advance, consid-
ering the interest rates," I said calmly. "Oh, yes, I'd like
a receipt for that, as well."

The desk clerk whisked the form from under my pen and
glanced at it almost before I had finished signing it.

"Quite right, Mr. . . Skeeve. I'll have a receipt for you
in a moment."

It was nice to know some Pervects were efficient, once

56 Robert Asprin

you had met their price. The hundred in gold had already
disappeared.

The desk clerk slipped the receipt across the desk, a key
held daintily in his other hand. I claimed the receipt and
was starting to go for the key when h& casually moved it
back out of my reach, slapping his palm down on a small
bell that was on the desk.

"Front!"

Before I could ask what this little declaration was sup-
posed to mean, a bellhop had materialized at my side . . .
a different one than before.

"Room 242," the desk clerk declared, handing the bell-
hop my key.

"Yessir. Is this your luggage?"

"Well, yes. It's ..."

Without waiting for me to finish, the bellhop snatched
up my bag and started for the stairs, beckoning me to follow.
I trailed along in his wake. At this point, I had had it with
Pervects and hotels and tips. If this clown thought I was ...

"Going to tip him?" Kalvin asked, floating around to
hang in the air in front of me. Fortunately, he was translucent
enough for me to see through him.

I gave him my toothiest smile.

"If that means 'No' like I think it does, you'd better
reconsider.''

Whether I needed to hear this or not, I definitely didn't
want to. I deliberately let my gaze wander to the ceiling
and promptly tripped over a step.

"Remember what Edvik said," the Djin continued insis-
tently. "You need all the allies you can get. You can't
afford to get vindictive with this guy."

Slowly, my irritation began to give way to common sense.
Kalvin was right. If nothing else, I had heard that bellhops
were prime sources of local information, and if being nice

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    57

to this character would speed my search for Aahz, thereby
shortening my stay on Perv, then it would definitely be
worth at least a decent tip. Taking a deep breath, I caught
the Djin's eye and gave a curt nod, whereupon he subsided.
It occurred to me it was nice to deal with someone who
would let an argument drop once he'd won it.

The bellhop unlocked a door and ushered me into my
room with a flourish. The first view of my temporary head-
quarters almost reversed my mind all over again.

The room was what could only be politely referred to as
a hole . . . and I wasn't in a particularly polite mood. For
openers, it was small . . . smaller than most of the closets
in my place back at the Bazaar. There was barely enough
space to walk around the bed without scooting sideways,
and what little room there was was cramped further by a
small bureau which was missing the knob on one of the two
drawers, and a chair which looked about as comfortable as
a bed of nails. The shade of the bedside lamp was askew,
and the wallpaper was torn with one large flap hanging loose
except where it was secured by cobwebs. I couldn't tell if
the texture of the carpet was dust or mildew, though from
the smell I suspected the latter. The ceiling had large water-
stains on it, but you couldn't tell without looking hard be-
cause the light in the place was dim enough to make a
vampire feel claustrophobic. All this for a mere hundred in
gold a night.

"Great view, isn't it?" the bellhop said, pulling the shades
aside to reveal a window that hadn't been washed since the
discovery of fire. At first I thought the curtain rod was
sagging, but closer examination showed it had actually been
nailed in place crooked.

"This is what you call a great view?"

That comment kind of slipped out despite my resolve. I
had just figured out that it wasn't that the window was so

58             Robert Asprin

dirty I couldn't see out of it. Rather, the view consisted of
a blank stone wall maybe an arm's length away.
The bellhop didn't seem the least put out by my rhetorical

question.

"You should see the view from the first floor," he

shrugged. "All the rooms there look out onto the courtyard,
which includes the garbage dump. At least this view doesn't

have maggots."

My stomach tilted to the left and sank. Swallowing hard,

I resolved not to ask any more questions about the room.
"Could you lay off about the view?" Kalvin whined

desperately.

"Way ahead of you," I replied.
'' How' s that again?'' the bellhop said, turning to face me.
"I said, 'I'll settle for this view,' " I amended hastily.
"Thought you would. No, sir, you don't see many rooms

this good at these prices."

I realized he was looking at me expectantly for confirma-
tion.

"I . . .I've never seen anything like it."

He kept looking at me. I cast about in my mind for
something vaguely complimentary to say about the room.

"The tip, Skeeve! He's waiting for a tip!"

"Oh! Yes, of course."

I fumbled a few more coins out of my money belt.

"Thank you, sir," the bellhop nodded, accepting my
offering. "And if you have any more questions, the name's

Burgt."

He was heading for the door when it occurred to me I

might make further use of his knowledge.

"Say . . . um, Burgt."

"Yes, sir?"

"Is there someplace around here I can get a bite to eat?
Maybe someplace that specializes in off-dimension food?"

59

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

"Sure. There's a little place about half a block to your
left as you come out of the main entrance. It's called Bandi's.
You can't miss it."

That was worth a few extra coins to me. It also gave me
an idea.

"Say, Burgt, I've heard you bellhops have a bit of an
information network. Is that true?"

The bellhop eyed the coins I was pouring back and forth
from hand to hand.

"Sort of," he admitted. "It depends on what kind of
information you're looking for."

"Well, I'm looking for a guy, name of Aahz. Would
have hit town in the last couple of days. If you or any of
your friends should find out where he is and let me know,
I'd be real appreciative. Get me?"

I let the coins pour into his uniform pocket.

"Yes, sir. Aahz, was it? I'll spread the word and see
what we can turn up."

He departed hastily, shutting the door firmly but quietly
behind him.

"You did that very well, Skeeve," Kalvin said.

"What? Oh. Thanks, Kalvin."

"Really. You looked just like a gangster paying off an
informant."

I guess my work with the Mob had influenced me more
than I had realized. It wasn't a line of conversation I wanted
to pursue too far, though.

"Just something I picked up," I said casually, pocketing
the room key. "Come on. Let's try to find something eatable
in this dimension."

Chapter Seven:

"... On the street where you live."
-QUOTE FROM AN ANONYMOUS EXTORTION NOTE

I HAD THOUGHT the streets of Perv were intimidating walk-
ing or riding through them by day. At night, they were a
whole new world. I didn't know if I shoud be frightened
or depressed, but one thing I knew I wasn't was comfortable.

It wasn't that I was alone. There were a lot of Pervects
on the street, and of course Kalvin was still with me. It's
just that there is some company to which being alone is
preferable. Kalvin's company was, of course, welcome
. . . which should narrow it down for even the most casual
reader as to exactly what the source of my discomfort was.

The Pervects. (Very good! Move to the head of the class.)
Now, saying one felt uncomfortable around Pervects may
sound redundant. As has been noted, the entire dimension
is not renowned for its sociability, much less its hospitality.
What I learned on the streets that night, however, is that
there are Pervects and there are Pervects.

Most of the natives I had dealt with up to this point had
been just plain folk . . . only nasty. In general, they seemed

61

Robert Asprin

64

"If my mother cooked like that, we would have gotten
rid of her . . . even earlier than we did," Kalvin declared

bluntly.

Curious comment, that.

"You can't tell me you like this," he insisted. "I mean,
you may be a little strange, but you're still a sentient being.''

"So are the Pervects."

"I'm willing to debate that. . . more than ever, now that
I'm getting a feel for what they eat. You're avoiding the
question, though. Are you really going to eat any of this

stuff?"

I decided the joke had gone far enough.

"Not on a bet!" I admitted in a whisper. "If you watch
closely, you'll see that some of the food actually crawls out

of the bowl."

"I'd rather not!" Kalvin said, averting his eyes. "Seri-
ously, Skeeve, if you aren't going to eat anything, why are

we here?"

' 'Oh, I'm going to try to get something to eat. Just nothing

they would prepare for the natives. That's why I was hunting
for a place that served food from—and therefore, hopefully,
stomachable by—off-world and off-worlders."

The Djin was unimpressed.

"I don't care where the recipe comes from. You're telling
me you're going to take something that's been prepared in
this kitchen and been in proximity with other dishes that
stink the way these do, and then put it in your mouth?
Maybe we should debate your qualifications as an intelligent

being."

Looking at it that way, he had a point. Suddenly I didn't

feel as clever as I had a few moments before.

"Cahn I help you, sirT'

The Pervect who materialized at my elbow was as stiffly
formal as anything I'd seen that wasn't perched on a wedding

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    65

cake. He had somehow mastered the technique of being
subservient while still looking down on you. And they say
that waiters can't be trained!

"Well, we ... that is, I . . ."

"Ah! A Tah-bul for one!"

Actually, I had been preparing to beat a retreat, but this
guy wasn't about to leave me that choice.

Chairs and tables seemed to part in his path as he swept
off through the diners like a sailing ship through algae,
drawing me along in his wake. Heads turned and murmurs
started as we passed. If they were trying to figure out where
they had seen me before, it could take a lot of talking.

"I wish I had thought to dress," I murmured to Kalvin.
"This is a pretty classy place. I'm surprised they let me in
without a tie."

The Djin shot me a look.

"I don't know how to say this, Skeeve, but you are
dressed, and you are wearing a tie."

"Oh! Right."

I had forgotten I had altered my disguise spell in the taxi.
One of the problems with the disguise spell is that I can't
see the results myself. While I've gotten to a point where
I can maintain the illusion without giving it a lot of conscious
thought, it also means I occasionally forget what the appear-
ance I'm maintaining really is.

I plopped down in the chair being held for me, but waved
off the offered menu.

"I understand you serve dishes from off-dimension?"

The Pervect gave a little half-bow.

'' Yas. Ve haff a wide selection for the most discriminating
taste."

I nodded knowingly.

"Then just have the waiter bring me something Klahdish
. . . and a decent wine to go with it."

66

Robert Asprin

"Very good. Sir."

He faded discreetly from view, leaving me to study our
fellow diners. It was too much to hope that coincidence
would lead Aahz to the same dining room, but it didn't hurt
to look.

"You handled that pretty smoothly."

"What's that, Kalvin? Oh. The ordering. Thank you."

"Are you really that confident?"

I glanced around at the nearby tables for eavesdroppers
before answering.

"I'm confident that I couldn't even read the menu," I
said quietly. "Trying to fake it would only have made me
look like a bigger fool. I just followed the general rule of
'When in doubt, rely on the waiter's judgment.' It usually
works."

"True enough," Kalvin conceded. "But the waiter's not
usually Pervish. It's still braver than I'd feel comfortable
with, personally."

The Djin had a positive talent for making me feel uneasy
about decisions that had already been made.

Fortunately, the wine arrived just then. I fidgeted through
the tasting ritual, then started in drinking with a vengeance.
A combination of nerves and thirst moved me rapidly
through the first three glasses with barely a pause for breath.

"You might go a little easy on that stuff until you get
some food in you," Kalvin advised pointedly.

"Not to worry," I waved. "One thing Aahz always told
me: If you aren't sure of the food on a dimension, you can
always drink your meals."

"He told you that, huh? What a buddy. Tell me, did it
ever work?"

"Howzat?"

"Drinking your meals. Did it ever do you any good, or
just land you in a lot of trouble?"

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    67

"Oh, we've had lots of trouble. Sometime lemme tell
you about the time we decided to steal the trophy from the
Big Game.

"You and Aahz?"

"No. Me and ... um ... it was ..."

For some reason, I was having trouble remembering
exactly who had been with me on that particular caper. I
decided it might be wisest to get the subject of conversation •
off me until my meal arrived.

"Whoever. Speaking of bottles, though, how long had
you been waiting before I pulled the cork on that one of
yours?"

"Oh, not long for a Djin. In fact, I'd say it hadn't been
more than ..."

"Tananda!"

"Excuse me?"

"It was Tananda who was with me when we tried for the
trophy ... the first time, anyway."

"Oh."

"Glad that's off my back. Now, what was it you were
saying, Kalvin?"

"Nothing important," the Djin shrugged.

He seemed a little distracted, but I thought I knew why.

"Kalvin, I'd like to apologize."

He seemed to relax a little.

"Oh, that's okay, Skeeve. It's just that . . ."

"No, I insist. It was rude of me to order without asking
if you wanted something to eat, too. It's just that it would
have been awkward trying to order food for someone no
one else could see. Understand what I'm trying to say?"

"Of course."

I seemed to be losing him again.

"It wasn't that I had forgotten about you, really," I
pressed. "I just thought that as small as you are, you

68             Robert Asprin

wouldn't eat much and we could probably share my order.
Now I can see that that's rather demeaning to you, so if
you'd like your own order ..."

"Sharing your meal will be fine. Okay? Can we drop the

subject now?"

Whatever was bothering the Djin, my efforts to change
his mood were proving woefully inadequate. I debated let-
ting it go for the moment, but decided against it. Letting
things go until later was how the situation with Aahz had
gotten into its current state.

"Say ... um ... Kalvin?"

"Now what?"

"It's obvious that I've gotten you upset, and my trying
to make amends is only making things worse. Now, it wasn't
my intent to slight you in any way, but it seems to have
happened anyway. If I can't make things better, can you at
least tell me what it was I did so that I don't fall into the

same trap again?"

"The wine doesn't help."

I nodded at Kalvin's terse response. He was right. The
wine was hitting me harder than I had expected, making it
difficult to focus on him and what he was saying.

"It doesn't help . . . but that's not the whole problem,"
I said. "All alcohol does is amplify what's there already.
It may make my irritating habits more irritating, but it isn't

causing them."

"True enough," he admitted grudgingly.

"So lay it on me," I urged. "What is it about me that's
so irritating? I try to be a nice guy, but lately it hasn't been
working so well. First with Aahz, and now with you."

The Djin hesitated before answering.

"I haven't really known you all that long, Skeeve. Any-
thing I could say would be a snap judgment."

"So give me a snap judgment. I really want to . . ."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    69

"Your dinner. Sir!"

The Pervect who had first seated me was hovering over
my table again, this time with the waiter in tow. That latter
notable was staggering under a huge covered platter which
had steam rising from it enticingly.

I was desperately interested in hearing what Kalvin had
to say, but the sight of the platter reminded me that I was
desperately hungry as well. Apparently the Djin sensed my
dilemma.

"Go ahead and eat, Skeeve," he said. "I can hold until
you're done."

Nodding my thanks, I turned my attention to the waiting
Pervect.

"It smells delicious," I managed, honestly surprised.
"What is it?"

"Wan uf ze House Specialties," he beamed, reaching
for the tray cover. "From Klah!"

The tray cover disappeared with a flourish, and I found
myself face-to-face with someone else from my home dimen-
sion of Klah. Unfortunately, he wasn't serving the meal. . .
he was the meal! Roasted, with a dead rat in his mouth as
a garnish.

I did the only sane thing that occurred to me.

I fainted.

Chapter Eight:

"There's never a cop around when you need
one!"

—A. CAPONE

"SKEEVE!"

The voice seemed to come from far away.
"C'mon, Skeeve! Snap out of it! We've got trouble!"
That caught my attention. I couldn't seem to get oriented,
but if there was one thing I didn't need it was more trouble.
More trouble? What . . . later! First, deal with whatever^
going on now!
I forced my eyes open.

The scene which greeted me brought a lot of the situation
back with a rush. I was in a restaurant ... on the floor, to
be specific ... a Pervish waiter was hovering over me . . .
and so was a policeman!

At first I thought it was the same one we had encountered
earlier, but it wasn't. The similarities were enough that they
could have come out of the same litter ... or hatching.
They both had the same square jaw, broad shoulders and
potbelly, not to mention a very hard glint in their otherwise
bored-looking eyes.

71

72

Robert Asprin

I struggled to sit upright, but wobbled as a wave of diz-
ziness washed over me.

"Steady, Skeeve! You're going to need your wits about
you for this one!"

Kalvin was hovering, his face-lined with concern.

"W . . . what happened?" I said.

Too late I remembered that I was the only one who could
see or hear the Djin. Ready or not, I had just opened the
conversation with the others.

"It seems you fainted, boyo," the policeman supplied.

"I theenk he just does not vant to pay for zee food he

ordered."

That was from the Pervect who had seated me, but his
words brought it all back to me. The special dish from Klah!

'' He served me a roast Klahd on a platter!'' I said, leveling
a shaky but accusing finger at the Pervect.

"Is that a fact now?"

The policeman cocked an eye at the Pervect, who became
quite agitated.

' 'Non-sense! Eet is against the law to serve sentient beings
without a li-cense. See for yourself, Offi-sair! Thees is a
replica on-ley."

Sure enough, he was right! The figure on the platter was
actually constructed on pieces of unidentifiable cuts of meat
with what looked like baked goods filling in the gaps. The
rat seemed to be authentic, but I'll admit I didn't look close.
The overall effect was, as I can testify, horrifyingly real.

The policeman studied the dish closely before turning his
attention to the waiter once more.

"Don't ya think it was a trifle harsh, servin' the lad with
what seemed to be one of his own?"

"But he deed not look like thees when he came in! I
on-ley served heem what he asked for . . . sometheeng from
Klah!"

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    73

That's when I became aware of the fact that my disguise
spell was no longer on. I must have lost control of it when
I fainted. When it disappeared, however, was not as impor-
tant as the fact that it was gone! I was now seen by one and
all as what I really was ... a Klahd!

The policeman had now turned his gaze on me and was
studying me with what I felt was unhealthy interest.

"Really, now," he said. "Perhaps you could be tellin'
how it is you come to be wearin' a disguise in such a fine
place? It couldn't be that you were plannin' to skip out
without payin' fer yer meal, could it?"

"No. It's just that..." I paused as a wave of dizziness
passed. "Well, I've heard you can get better service and
prices on Perv if folks don't know you're from off-dimen-
sion."

"Bad answer, Skeeve," Kalvin hissed, but I had already
figured that out.

The policeman had gone several shades darker, and his
head almost disappeared into his neck. Though his tone was
still cordial, he seemed to be picking his words very care-
fully.

"Are ya tryin' to tell me you think our whole dimension
is full of clip joints and thieves? Is that what yer sayin'?"

Too late I saw my error. Aahz had always seemed to be
proud of the fact that Pervects were particularly good at
turning a profit. It had never occurred to me that to some,
this might sound like an insult.

"Not at all," I said hastily. "I assumed it was like any
other place,, . . that the best prices and services were reserved
for locals and visitors got what was left. I was just trying
to take advantage of normal priorities, that's all."

I thought it was a pretty good apology. The policeman,
however, seemed unimpressed. Unsmiling, he produced a
notepad and pencil.

74

Robert Asprin

"Name?"

His voice was almost flat and impersonal, but managed
to still convey a degree of annoyance.

"Look. I'll pay for the meal, if that's what the problem

is."

"I didn't ask if you were payin' for the meal. I asked
you what your name is. Now are you going to tell me here,
or should we be talkin', down at the precinct station?"

Kalvin was suddenly hovering in front of me again.

"Better tell him, Skeeve," he said, his tone matching
his worried expression. "This cop seems to have an Eath
up his Yongie."

That one threw me.

"A what up his what?"

The policeman looked up from his notepad.

"And how are ya spellin' that, now?"

"Umm . . . forget it. Just put down 'Skeeve.' That's my

name."

His pencil moved briskly, and for a moment I thought I
had gotten away with my gaffe. No such luck.

"... And what was that you were sayin' before?"

"Oh, nothing. Just a nickname."

Even to me, the explanation sounded weak. Kalvin
groaned as the policeman gave me a hard look before scrib-
bling a few more notes on his pad.

"An alias, is it?',' he murmured under his breath.

This was sounding worse all the time.

"But ..."

"Residence?"

"The New Inn."

My protests seemed to be only making things worse, so
I resolved to answer any other questions he might have as
simply and honestly as possible.

"A hotel, eh?" The pencil was moving faster now. "And

T

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    75

where would your regular residence be?''
"The Bazaar at Deva."

The policeman stopped writing. Raising his hand, he
peered at me carefully.

"Now I thought we had gotten this matter of disguises
settled," he said, a bit too casually. "So tell me, Mr.
Skeeve, are you a Klahd ... or a Deveel masquerading as
one?"

"I'm a Klahd . . . really!"

"... Who lives on Deva," the policeman finished
grimly. "That's a pretty expensive place to be callin' home,
boyo. Just what is it you do for a livin' that you can afford
such an extravagant address ... or to pay for expensive
meals you aren't going to eat, for that matter?"

"I uh, work for a corporation . . . M.Y.T.H. Inc. . . .
It's a co-op of magik consultants."

"Is that a fact?" The policeman's skepticism was open.
"Tell me, boyo, what is it you do for them that they had
to hire a Klahd instead of one of their local lads?"

Maybe I was recovering from passing out, or maybe his
sarcasm was getting to me, but I started to get a bit annoyed
with the questions.

"I'm the president and founder," I snapped, "and since
I personally recruited the staff, they didn't have whole
bunches to say about my qualifications."

Actually, they had had a lot to say. Specifically, they
were the ones who railroaded me into my current lofty
position. Somehow, though, this didn't seem to be the time
to try to point that out.

"Really?" The policeman was still pushing, but he
seemed a lot more respectful now. "It's clear that there's
more to you than meets the eye, Mister Skeeve."

"Steady, Skeeve," the Djin said quietly. "Let's not get
too aggressive with the representatives of the local law."

76

Robert Asprin

It was good advice, and I tried to get a handle on my

temper.

"You can check it out if you like," I said stiffly.

"Oh, I intend to. Would you mind tellin' me what the
president of a corporation from Deva is doin' in our fair
dimension? Are you here on business?"

"Well ... I guess you could say that."

"Good. Then I'm sure you won't mind givin' me the
names of our citizens you're dealin' with."

Too late I saw-the trap. As a businessman, I should have
local references. This may seem like a silly oversight to
you, but you'll have to remember my background up to this
point. Most of my ventures into the various dimensions have
been more of the raider or rescue mission variety, so it never
occurred to me there was another way of doing business.
Of course, admitting this would probably do little toward
improving the impression I was making on this stalwart of

the law.

I considered my alternatives. I considered trying to lie
my way out of the predicament. Finally, I decided to give

the truth one last try.

"There isn't anyone specifically that I'm dealing with."
I said carefully. "The fact of the matter is that I'm looking

for someone."

"Oh? Then you're hirin' for your corporation? Out to
raid some of our local talent?''

That didn't sound too good either.

"It's not a recruiting mission, I assure you. I'm trying
to find my ... one of our employees."

The policeman straightened a bit, looking up from his

notebook once more. .

"Now, that's a different matter entirely," he said. "Have
you been by a station to fill out a missing person report?''

I tried to imagine Aahz's reaction if I had the police pick

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    77

him up. Mercifully, my mind blocked the image.

"Are you kidding? I mean ... no, I haven't."

"... Or do you think you're better at locatin' folks than
the police are?"

I was getting desperate. It seemed that no matter what I
said, it was getting twisted into the worst possible interpre-
tation.

"He's not really missing. Look, officer, I had a falling
out with my old partner, who happens to also be the co-foun-
der of the corporation and a Pervect. He left in a huff,
presumably to return here to Perv. All I want to do is locate
him and try to convince him to come back to the company,
or at least make amends so we can part on more agreeable
terms. In short, while it's business related, it's more of a
personal matter."

The policeman listened intently until I had finished.

"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, lad?"
he scowled, flipping his notebook shut. "I'll have you know
my time's too valuable to be wastin' chattin' with everybody
who wants to tell me his life story."

"Nice going, Skeeve!" Kalvin winked, flashing me a
high sign. "I think we're off the hook."

I ignored him. The policeman's comment about wasting
his time had reignited my irritation. After all, he had been
the one who had prolonged the interrogation.

"Just a moment," I said, as he started to turn away.
"Does this mean you won't be running that check on me?''

"Skeeve!" the Djin warned, but it was too late.

"Is there any reason I shouldn't?" the policeman said,
turning back to me again.

"It's just that you've taken up so much of your valuable
time asking questions about a simple fainting, I'd hate to
see you waste any more."

' 'Now don't go tryin' to tell me how to do my job. Mister

78

Robert Asprin MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS 79

Skeeve," he snarled, pushing his face close to mine. "Per
yer information, I'm not so sure this is as simple as you try
to cut it out to be."

"It isn't?"

That last snappy response of mine was sort of squeaked
out. I was suddenly aware that I was not as far out of the
woods as I had believed.

"No, it isn't. We have what seems to be a minor distur-
bance in a public restaurant, only the person at the center
of it turns out to be travelin' in disguise. What's more, he's
from off-dimension and used to usin' aliases, and even
though he claims to be an honest businessman, there doesn't
seem to be anyone locally who can vouch for him, or any
immediate way of confirmin' his story. Now doesn't that
strike you as bein' a little suspicious?"

"Well, if you put it that way ..."

"I do! However, as I was sayin', we're pretty busy down
at the station, and for all yer jabberin' you seem harmless
e.nough, so I don't see much point to pursuin' this further.
Just remember, I've got you down in my book, boyo, and
if there's any trouble you'll find I'm not so understandin'

next time!"

With that, he turned on his heel ,and marched out of the

restaurant.

' 'That was close,'' Kalvin whistled.' 'You shouldn't have

mouthed off that last time."

I had arrived at much the same conclusion, but nodded
my agreement anyway.

The waiter was still hovering about, so I signaled him
for our check. The last thing I needed to do now would be
to forget and try to walk out without paying.

"So where do we go from here?" the Djin asked.

"I think we'll settle up here and head back to the hotel
for some sleep. Two run-ins with the police in one day is

about all the excitement I can handle."

"But you haven't eaten anything."

"I'll do it tomorrow. Like I said, I don't relish the thought
of risking another brush with the law... even accidentally."

Despite his advice to go easy with the police, the Djin
seemed unconcerned.

"Don't worry. So far it's been just talk. I mean, what
can they do to you? There's no law against being polite on
the sidewalk or fainting in a restaurant."

"They could run that check on me. I'm not wild about
having the police poking around in my affairs."

The Djin gave me a funny look.

"So what if they do? I mean, it's annoying, but nothing
to worry about. It's not like you have a criminal record or
have connections with organized crime or anything."

I thought about Don Bruce and the Mob. Suddenly, my
work with them didn't seem as harmless as it had when I
first agreed to take the position as the Mob's representative
on Deva. Fortunately, no one on Deva except my own crew
was aware of it, and they weren't likely to talk. Still, with
the way my luck had been running lately, there was no
point in risking a police check. Also, I could see no point
in worrying Kalvin by letting him know what kind of a
powder keg I might be sitting on.

Chapter Nine:

"... You gotta start somewhere."

-S. MCDUCK

I HAD PLANNED to sleep late the next morning. I mean, I
was eager to locate Aahz and all that, but it was rare that
I had the opportunity to lounge in bed a couple extra hours.
Business had been brisk enough that I usually headed into
the offices early to try to get some work done before the
daily parade of questions and problems started. Even when
I did decide to try to sleep in, the others would be up and
about, so I felt pressured to rise and join in for fear I might
be excluded from an important or interesting conversation.
Consequently, now that I had a chance to laze about I fully
intended to take advantage of it. Besides, between the res-
taurant and the police it had been a rough night.

Unfortunately, it seemed the rest of the world had different
ideas about my sleeping habits.

I had had trouble dozing off anyway, what with the unac-
customed traffic noise and all. When I did finally manage
to get to sleep, it seemed I had barely closed my eyes when
there was a brisk knocking at the door of my room.

81

82             Robert Asprin

"Wazzit?" I called, struggling to get my eyes open far

enough to navigate.

In response, the door opened and the bellhop who had
brought my luggage up the day before came bustling into ,

the room.

"Sorry to bother you so early, Mr. Skeeve, but

there's ..."

He stopped abruptly and peered around the room. I was
still trying to figure out what he was looking for when he
returned his attention to me once more.

"Mr. Skeeve?" he said again, his voice as hesitant as

his manner.

"Yes?" I responded, trying to hold my annoyance in
check. ' 'You had something to tell me? Something I assume
couldn't wait until a decent hour?"

If I had hoped to rebuff him, I failed dismally. At the
sound of my voice his face brightened and he relaxed visibly.

"So it is you. You had me going there for a minute.
You've changed since you checked in."

It took me a second to realize what he was talking about.
Then I remembered I hadn't renewed my disguise spell since
I had my run-in with the law the night before. I suppose it
could be a little jarring to expect to find a Pervect and end
up talking to a Klahd instead. I considered casting the spell
again, then made a snap decision to leave things the way
they were. The Pervect disguise seemed to be causing me
more trouble than it was averting. I'd try it for a day as a
Klahd and see how things went.

"Disguise," I said loftily. "What is it?"
' 'Well, there's... Is this the disguise or was the other?"
"This is the real me, if it matters. Now what is it?"
"Oh, it doesn't matter to me. We get folks from all sorts
of strange dimensions here at the hotel. I always say, it

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    83

doesn't matter where they're from, as long as their gold
is ..."

"WHAT IS IT??"

I have found that my tolerance for small talk moves in a
direct ratio to how long I've been awake, and today was
proving to be no exception.

"Oh, sorry. There's a cabbie downstairs in the loading
zone who says he's waiting for you. I thought you'd like
to know."

I felt the operative word there was "waiting," but it
seemed to have escaped the bellhop entirely. Still, I was
awake now, and my search wasn't going to get any shorter
if I just sat around my room.

"Okay. Tell him I'll be down in a few minutes."

"Sure thing. Oh . . . the other thing I wanted to ask you
... Is it okay if this guy Aahz finds out you're looking for
him?"

I had to think about that for a few moments. Aahz had
left without talking to me, but I didn't think he was avoiding
me to a point where he'd go into hiding if he knew I was
on Perv.

"That shouldn't be a problem. Why?"

"I was thinking of running an ad in the personal section
of the newspaper, but then it occurred to me that he might
owe you money or something, so I thought I'd better check
first."

"The personal section?"

"It's a daily bulletin board the paper prints," Kalvin
supplied as he joined us in mid-yawn. "Notes from people
to people . . . birthday greetings, messages from wives to
wayward husbands, that sort of thing. A lot of people read
them faithfully."

Somehow that didn't sound like Aahz's cup of tea, but

84 Robert Asprin

there was always a chance that someone who knew him
would see it and pass on the information. In any case, it
couldn't hurt.

"Oh, right. The personal ads. Sorry, I'm still waking up.
Sounds like a good idea," I said, rummaging around for
some loose change. "How much does it cost?"

To my surprise, the bellhop held up a restraining hand.,
"I'll go the cost on my own if you don't mind, Mr.
Skeeve."
"Oh?"

"Sure. That way, if it works, there won't be any doubt
who gets that reward you mentioned."

With that, he flashed me a quick grin and left. It occurred
to me that I should start watching my spending to be sure
I'd have enough to actually pay a reward if the bellhop or
one of his friends managed to locate Aahz for me.
"So what's the plan for today, Skeeve?"
Kalvin followed me into the bathroom and asked his ques-
tion as I was peering at my face in the mirror. Things were
getting to a point where I had to shave, but only occasionally
. . . and I decided today wasn't one of those occasions. It's
funny, when I was younger I used to look forward to shaving,
but now that it was fast upon me I tended to see it as the
nuisance it was. I began to understand why some men grew
beards.

"Well, I don't think we should just sit around here waiting
for Aahz to answer the bellhop's personal ad," I said. "Be-
sides, it won't produce any results today, anyway. I figure
we should do a little looking on our own."

As soon as I said it, I realized how simplistic that sounded.
Of course we were going to go looking for Aahz. That's
what we would have done if the bellhop hadn't come up
with his "personal ad" idea. If Kalvin noticed, however,
he let me get away with it.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    85

"Sounds good to me. Where do we start?"

I had been giving that some thought. Unfortunately, the
end result was that I was embarrassed to realize how little
I knew about Aahz's background ... or the background of
any of my other colleagues, for that matter.

' 'The main things Aahz seems to specialize in are magik
and finances. I thought we'd poke around those circles a
while and see if anyone can give us a lead."

As it turned out, however, there was one small episode
which delayed the start of our quest.

We had just stepped out of the doors of the hotel and
were'looking around for Edvik when I noticed the street
vendors. They had been there the day before when we
checked in, but I had failed to really notice or comment on
them. Today, however, they caught my attention, if for no
other reason than their contrast to the hustlers who populated
the same area at night.

The night hustlers were an intense, predatory lot who
seemed willing to trade for some of your money only if they
felt like they couldn't simply knock you down and take it
all directly. The day people, on the other hand, seemed to
be more like low-budget retailers who stood quietly behind
their makeshift briefcase stands or blankets and smiled or
made their pitches to any passersby who chanced to pause
to look at their displays. If anything, their manner was
furtive rather than sinister, and they kept glancing up and
down the street as if they were afraid of being observed at
their trade.

"I wonder what they're watching for?" I said, almost to
myself. I say almost because I forgot for the moment that
Kalvin was hovering within easy hearing.

"Who? Them? They're probably watching for the
police."

"The police? Why?"

86 Robert Asprin

"For the usual reason ... what they're doing is illegal."

"It is?"

I had no desire to have another run-in with the police,
but I was genuinely puzzled. Maybe I was missing some-
thing, but I couldn't see anything untoward about the street
vendors' activities.

"I keep forgetting. You're from the Bazaar at Deva,"
the Djin laughed. "You see, Skeeve, unlike the Bazaar,
most places require a license to be a street vendor. From
the look of them, these poor souls can't afford one. If they
could, they'd probably open a storefront instead of working
the street."

"You mean this is it for them? They aren't distributing
for a larger concern?"

On Deva, most of the street vendors were employees of
larger businesses who picked up their wares in the morning
and returned what was unsold at the end of their shift. Their
specific strategy was to look like a small operation so that
tourists who were afraid of dickering at a storefront or tent
would buy, assuming they knew more and could get better
prices from a lowly street peddler. It never occurred to me
that the street vendors I had been seeing really were small,
one-person operations.

"That's right," Kalvin was saying. "What you see is
what you get. Most of those people have their life savings
tied up in ... Hey! Where are you going?"

I ignored him, stepping boldly up to one of the vendors
I had noticed the day before. He was in the same spot as
yesterday, squatting behind a blanket full of sunglasses and
cheap bracelets. What had caught my eye yesterday was
that he was young, even younger than I was. Considering
the longevity of Pervects, that made him very young indeed.

"See anything you like?" he said, flashing an expanse

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    87

of pointed teeth I would have found unnerving if I hadn't
gotten used to Aahz's grins.

"Actually, I was hoping you could answer a few questions
for me."

The smile disappeared.

"What are you? A reporter or something?"

"No. Just curious."

He scowled and glanced around.

"I suppose it's all right, as long as it doesn't interfere
with any paying customers. Time's money, ya know."

In response, I tossed a gold coin into his blanket.

"So call me a customer who's buying some of your time.
Let me know when that's used up."

He made a quick pass with his hand and the coin disap-
peared as his smile emerged from hiding.

' 'Mister, you just got my attention. Ask your questions."

"Why do you do this?"

The smile faded into a grimace.

"Because I'm independently wealthy and get my kicks
sitting in the rain and running from the cops . . . why do
you think? I do it for the money, same as everybody else.''

"No. I meant why do you do this for money instead of
getting a job?"

He studied me for a moment with his Pervish yellow
eyes, then gave a small shrug.

"All right," he said. "I'll give you a straight answer.
You don't get rich working for someone else . . . especially
not at the kind of jobs I'd been qualified for. You see, I
don't come from money. All my folks gave me was my
name. After that I was pretty much on my own. I don't
have much school to my credit, and, like I say, my family
isn't connected. I can't get a good job from an old pal of
my dad's. That means I'd start at the bottom . . . and

88 Robert Asprin

probably end there, too. Anyway, I gave it a good long
think, and decided I wanted more out of life."

I tried to think of a tactful way of saying that this still
looked pretty bottom of the barrel to me.

"... So you think this is better than working at an
entry-level job for someone else?"

His head came up proudly.

"I didn't say that. I don't figure to be doing this forever.
This is just a way to raise the capital to start a bigger
business. I'm risking it all on my own abilities. If it works,
I get all the profits instead of a wage and I can move on to
better things. What's more, if it works well enough, I've
got more to pass on to my kids than my parents did. If it
doesn't . . . well, I'm no worse off than when I started."

"You've got kids?"

"Who, me? No ... at least, not yet. Maybe someday.
Right now, the way things are going. I can't even afford a
steady girlfriend, if you know what I mean."

Actually, I didn't. I had plenty of money personally, but
no girlfriend. Therefore, I didn't have the vaguest idea what
the upkeep on one would be.

"Well, I'd say it's a noble cause you have there . . .
wanting to build something to leave for your kids."

At that he laughed, flashing those teeth again.

"Don't try to make me sound too good," he said. "I
won't kid you. I'd like a few of the nicer things in life
myself . . . like staying at fancy hotels and driving around
in cabs. I'd use up some of the profits before I passed them
on to my kids."

I was suddenly aware of the differences in our economic
standing . . . that what he was dreaming about I tended to
take for granted. The awareness made me uncomfortable.

"Yeah . . . well, I've got to be going now. Oh! What
was it, anyway?"

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    89

"What was what?"

"The name your parents gave you."

"It wasn't that hot, really," he said, making a face. "My
friends just call me J. R."

With that, I beat a hasty retreat to my waiting cab.

"What was that all about?" Edvik said as I sank back
into my seat.

"Oh, I was just curious about what made the street ven-
dors tick."

"Them? Why bother? They're just a bunch of low-life
hustlers scrabbling for small change. They're never going
to get anywhere."

I was surprised at the sudden vehemence in his voice.
There was clearly no love lost there.

It occurred to me that Edvik's appraisal of the street
vendors pretty much summed up my initial reaction to his
own enterprising efforts with his cab and self-publishing
company.

It also occurred to me, as I reflected on my conversation
with J. R., that I had been even more lucky than I had
realized when I had taken to studying magik . . . first with
Garkin and then with Aahz. It didn't take the wildest stretch-
ing of the imagination to picture myself in the street vendor's
place... assuming I had that much initiative to begin with.

All in all, it wasn't a particularly comforting thought.

Chapter Ten:

''All financiers are not created equal!"

—R.CORMAN

"So WHERE ARE we off to today, Mr. Skeeve?"

Edvik's words interrupted my thoughts, and I fought to
focus my attention on the problem at hand.

"Either to talk with the magicians or some financial
types," I said. "I was hoping that as our trusty native guide
you'd have some ideas as to which to hit first . . . and it's
just 'Skeeve,' not 'Mr. Skeeve.' "

The "Mr. Skeeve" thing had been starting to get to me
with the bellhop, but it hadn't seemed worth trying to correct.
If I was going to be spending the next few days traveling
with Edvik, however, I thought I'd try to set him straight
before he got on my nerves.

"All right. Skeeve it is," the cabbie agreed easily. "Just
offhand, I'd say it would probably be easier to start with
the financial folks."

That hadn't been what I had hoped he'd say, but as I've
noted before, there's no point in paying for guidance and
then not following it.

91

92 Robert Asprin

"Okay. I'll go along with that. Any particular reason,
though?"

"Sure. First of all, there are a lot of people in the magik
business around here. We got schools, consultants, co-ops,
entertainers, weather control and home defense outfits . . .
all sorts. What's more, they're spread out all over. We could
spend the next year trying to check them out and still have
barely scratched the surface. There aren't nearly as many
financiers, on the other hand, so if they're on your list I
figured we could start with them. Maybe we'll get lucky
and not have to deal with the magik types."

I was a little staggered by his casual recitation. The enor-
mity of what I was trying to do was just starting to sink in.
I had only allowed a week to find Aahz and convince him
to come back. At the moment, it seemed next to impossible
to accomplish that in so short a time, yet I couldn't take
any longer with the rest of the crew taking on Queen Hem-
lock without me. With an effort, I tried to put my doubts
out of my mind. At the very least, I had to try. I'd face up
to what to do next at the end of the week . . . not before.

"What's the other reason?"

"Excuse me?"

"You said 'First of all. . . . ' That usually implies there's
more than one reason."

The cabbie shot me a glance over his shoulder.

"That's right. Well, if you must know, I'm a little uncom-
fortable around magicians . . . current company excepted,
of course. Never had much call to deal with 'em and just
as happy to keep it that way. I've got a buddy, though,
who's a financier. He just might be able to help you out.
Most of these finance types know each other, you know.
Leastwise, I can probably get you in to see him without an
appointment."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    93

Kalvin was waving a hand at me, trying to get my atten-
tion.

"I probably don't have to remind you of this," he said,
"but your time is rather limited. I didn't say anything about
your chatting with that scruffy street vendor, but are you
really going to blow off part of a day talking to a supposed
financier who hangs out with cab drivers?"

"How did you meet this guy?" I queried, trying desper-
ately to ignore the Djin's words ... or, to be exact, how
closely they echoed my own thoughts.

"Oh, we sort of ran into each other at an art auction."

"An art auction?"

I didn't mean to let my incredulity show in my voice,
but it kind of slipped out. In response, Edvik twisted around
in his seat to face me directly.

"Yeah. An auction. What's the matter? Don't you think
I can appreciate art?''

Left to their own devices, the lizards powering our vehicle
began veering toward the curb.

"Well . . . no. I mean, I've never met an art collector
before. I don't know much about art, so it surprised me,
that's all. No offense," I said hurriedly, trying not to tense
as the cab wandered back and forth in our lane.

"You asked. That's where we met."

The cabbie returned his attention to the road once more,
casually bringing us back on course.

"Were you both bidding on the same painting?"

"No. He offered to back half my bid so I could stay in
the running . . . only it wasn't a painting. It was more what
you would call literary."

Now I was getting confused.

"Literary? But I thought you said it was an art auction.''

"It was, but there was an author there who offered to

94 Robert Aspirin

auction off an appearance in his next book. Well, I knew
the author ... I had done an interview with him in one of
the 'zines I publish ... so I thought it would be kind of
neat to see how he would do me in print. Anyway, it came
down to two of us, and the bidding got pretty stiff. I thought
I was going to have to drop out.''

"That's when the financier offered to back your bid?"

"Actually, he made the offer to the other guy first. Lucky
for me the other bidder wanted the appearance for his wife,
so he wouldn't go along with the deal. That's when the
Butterfly turned to me."

"Wait a minute. The Butterfly?"

"That's what he calls himself. It's even on his business
cards. Anyway, if he hadn't come in on the bid, you'd be
spending a couple chapters talking to some guy's winsome
but sexy wife instead of ..."

At that point I was listening with only half an ear as
Edvik prattled on. A financier named Butterfly who backs
cabbies' bids at auctions. I didn't have to look at Kalvin to
tell the Djin was rolling his eyes in an anguished "I told
you so." Still, the more I thought about it, the more hopeful
I became. This Butterfly just might be offbeat enough to
know something about Aahz. I figured it was at least worth
a try.

Strange as it may sound, I was as nervous about meeting
the Butterfly as Edvik claimed to be about dealing with
magicians. Magicians I had been dealing with for several
years and knew what to expect ... or if my experiences
were an accurate sample, what not to expect. Financiers,
on the other hand, were a whole different kettle of fish. I
had no idea what I was getting into or how to act. I tried
to reassure myself by remembering that this particular finan-
cier had dealt with Edvik in the past, and so could not be

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS

95

too stuffy. Still, I found myself straightening my disguise
spell nervously as the cabbie called up to the Butterfly from
the lobby. I was still traveling as a Klahd, but had used my
disguise spell to upgrade my wardrobe a bit so that I at least
looked like I was comfortable in monied circles.

I needn't have worried.

The Butterfly did not live up to any of my preconceived
notions or fears about what a financier was like. First of
all, instead of an imposing office lined with shelves full of
leatherbound books and incomprehensible charts, it seemed
he worked out of his apartment, which proved to be smaller
than my own office, though much more tastefully furnished,
Secondly, he was dressed quite casually in a pair of slacks
and a pastel-colored sweater, that actually made me feel
uncomfortably overdressed in my disguise-spell generated
suit. Fortunately, his manner itself was warm and friendly
enough to put me at my ease almost immediately.

"Pleased to meet you . . . Skeeve, isn't it?" he said,
extending a hand for a handshake.

"Yes. I ... I'm sorry to impose on your schedule like
this ..."

"Nonsense. Glad to help. That's why I'm self-employed
... so I can control my own schedule. Please. Have a seat
and make yourself at home."

Once we were seated, however, I found myself at a loss
as to how I should begin the conversation. But, with the
Butterfly watching me with attentive expectation, I felt I
had to say something.

"Um . . . Edvik tells me you met at an art auction?"

"That's right . . . though I'll admit that for me it was
more of a whim than anything else. Edvik is really much
more the collector and connoisseur than 1 am."

The cabbie preened visibly under the implied praise.

"No. I just dropped by out of curiosity. I had heard that

96

Robert Asprin

this particular auction had a reputation for being a lot of
fun, so I pulled a couple thousand out of the bank and
wandered in to see for myself. The auctioneers were amus-
ing, and the bidding was lively, but most of the art being
offered didn't go with my current decor. So when that one
particular item came up . . ."

I tried to keep an interested face on, but my mind wasn't
on his oration. Instead, I kept pondering the easy way he
had said "... so I pulled a couple thousand ..." Clearly
this was a different kind of Pervect than Aahz was. My old
partner would have been more willing to casually part with
a couple pints of his blood than with gold.

"... But in the long run it worked out fine."

The Butterfly was finishing his tale, and I laughed duti-
fully along with him.

"Tell him about your friend, Skeeve."

"That's right. Here I've been rattling on and we haven't
even started to address your problem,'' the financier nodded,
shifting forward on his chair. "Edvik said you were trying
to locate someone who might have been active in our finan-
cial circles."

"I'm not sure you'll be able to help," I began, grateful
for not having to raise the subject myself. "He's been off-
dimension for several years now. His name is Aahz."

The Butterfly pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"The name doesn't ring any bells. Of course, in these
days of nesting corporations and holding companies, names
don't really mean much. Can you tell me anything about
his style?"

"His style?"

"How would you describe his approach to money? Is he
a plunger? A dabbler?"

I had to laugh at that.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    97

"Well, the words 'tight-fisted' and 'penny-pinching' are
the first that come to mind."

"There's 'tight-fisted' and there's 'cautious,' " the But-
terfly smiled. "Perhaps you'd better tell me a little about
him, and let me try to extract and analyze the pertinent
parts."

So I told him. Once I had gotten started, the words seemed
to come rushing out in a torrent.

I told him about meeting Aahz when he got stranded on
my home dimension of Klah after a practical joke gone awry
robbed him of his magikal powers, and how he took me on
as an apprentice after we stymied Isstvan's plan to take over
the dimensions. I told him about how Aahz had convinced
me to try out for the position of Court Magician for the
kingdom of Possiltum, and how that had led to our confron-
tation with Big Julie's army as well as introducing me to
the joys of bureaucratic in-fighting. He clucked sympathet-
ically when I told him about how Tananda and I had tried
to steal the trophy from the Big Game as a birthday present
for Aahz. and how we had had to put together a team to
challenge the two existing teams after Tananda got caught.
He was amused by my rendition of how I got stuck mas-
querading as Roderick, the king, and how I got Massha as
an apprentice, though he seemed most interested in the part
about how we broke up the Mob's efforts to move into the
Bazaar at Deva and ended up working for both sides of the
same brawl. I even told him about our brief sortie into
Limbo when Aahz got framed for murdering a vampire, and
my even briefer career into the arena of professional Dragon
Poker which pitted my friends and me against the Sen-Sen
Ante Kid and the Ax. Finally, I tried to explain how we
expanded our operation into a corporation, ending with how
Aahz had walked out, leaving a note behind stating that,

98

Robert Asprin

without his powers, he felt he was needless baggage to the

group.

The Butterfly listened to it all, and, when I finally ground
to a halt, he remained motionless for many long minutes,
apparently digesting what he had heard.

"Well, one thing I can tell you," he said at last. "Your
friend isn't a financier . . . here on Perv, or anywhere else,
for that matter."

"He isn't? But he's always talking about money."

"Oh, there's more to being a financier than talking about
money," the Butterfly laughed. "The whole idea is to put
one's money to work through investments. If anything, this
Aahz's hoarding techniques would indicate that he's pretty
much an amateur when it comes to money. You, on the
other hand, by incorporating and diversifying through hold-
ings in other businesses, show marked entrepreneurial ten-
dencies. Perhaps sometime we might talk a bit about mutual
investment opportunities."

I suppose it was all quite flattering, and under other cir-
cumstances I might have been happy to chat at length with
the Butterfly about money management. Unfortunately, I
couldn't escape the disappointment of the bottom line . . .
that he wouldn't be able to give me any information that
would help me locate Aahz.

"Thanks, but right now I think I'd better focus on one
thing at a time, and my current priority is finding my old
partner."

"Well, sorry I couldn't have been of more assistance,"
the financier said, rising to his feet. "One thing, though,
Skeeve, if you don't mind a little advice?"

"What's that?"

"You might try to take a bit more of an active role in
your own life. You know . . . instead of reactive?"

That one stopped me short as I was reaching for the door.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    99

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. It was just a thought."

"Well, could you elaborate a little? C'mon, Butterfly!
Don't drop a line like that on me without some kind of an
explanation to go with it."

"It's really none of my business," he shrugged, "but I
couldn't help but notice during your story that you seemed
to be living your life reacting to crisis rather than having
any real control over things. Your old partner and mentor
got dropped in your lap and the two of you teamed up to
stop someone who might try to assassinate either of you
next. It was Aahz who forced you to try for the job as court
magician, and ever since then you've been yielding to pres-
sure, real or perceived, from almost everybody in your life:

Tananda, Massha, the Mob, the Devan Chamber of Com-
merce . . . even whatzisname, Grimble and that Badaxe
have leaned on you. It just seems to me that for someone
as successful as you obviously are, you really haven't shown
much gumption or initiative."

His words hit me like a bucket of cold water. I had been
shouted out by experts, but somehow Butterfly's calm criti-
cism cut me deeper than any tonguelashing I had ever re-
cieved from Aahz.

"Things have been kind of scrambled ..." I started,
but the financier cut me off.

"I can see that, and I don't mean to tell you how to run
your life. You've had some strong-willed, dominating
people who have been doing just that, though, and I'd have
to say the main offender has been this fellow, Aahz. Now,
I know you're concerned about your friendship, but if I
were you, I'd think long and hard about inviting him back
into my life until I had gotten my own act together."

Chapter Eleven:

"How come I get all the hard questions?"

—0. NORTH

"SKEEVE! HEY, SKEEVE! Can ya ease up for a bit?"

The words finally penetrated my self-imposed fog and I
slackened my pace, letting Kalvin catch up with me.

"Whew! Thanks," the Djin said, hovering in his now-
accustomed place. "I told you before I'm not real strong.
Even hovering takes energy, ya know. You were really
moving there."

"Sorry," I responded curtly, more out of habit than any-
thing else.

In all honesty, the Djin's comfort was not a high priority
item in my mind just then. I had had Edvik drive us back
to the hotel after we left the Butterfly's place. Instead of
going on up to my room, however, I had headed off down
the sidewalk. The street vendor I had spoken to earlier
waved a friendly greeting, but I barely acknowledged it with
a curt nod of my head. The Butterfly's observations on my
life had loosed an explosion of thoughts in my mind, and
I figured maybe a brisk walk would help me sort things out.

101

102 Robert Asprin

I don't know how long I walked before Kalvin's plea
snapped me out of my mental wheel-spinning. I had only
vague recollections of shouldering my way past slower-
moving pedestrians and snarling at those who were quick
enough to get out of my path on their own. The police
would have been pleased to witness it ... only on Perv
two days and already I could walk down the street like a
native.

"Look, do you want to talk about this? Maybe some
place sitting down?''

I looked closer at the Djin. He really did look tired, his
face streaked with sweat and his little chest heaving as he
tried to catch his breath. Strange, I didn't feel like I had
been exerting myself at all.

"Talk about what?" I said, realizing as I spoke that the
words were coming out forced and tense.

"Come on, Skeeve. It's obvious that what the Butterfly
said back there has you upset. I don't know why, it sounded
like pretty good advice to me, but maybe talking it out
would help a bit."

"Why should I be upset?" I snapped. "He only chal-
lenged all the priorities I've been living by and suggested
that my best friend is probably the worst thing in my life.
Why should that bother me?"

"It shouldn't," Kalvin responded innocently, "unless,
of course, he's right. Then I could see why it would bother
you."

I opened my mouth for an angry retort, then shut it again.
I really couldn't think of anything to say. The Djin had just
verbalized my worst fears, ones I didn't have any answers
for.

"... And running away from it won't help! You're
going to have to face up to it before you're any good to
yourself ... or anyone else, for that matter."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    103

Kalvin's voice came from behind me, and I realized I
had picked up my pace again. At the same moment, I saw
that he was right, I was trying to run away from the issues,
both figuratively and literally. With that knowledge, the
fatigue of my mental and physical efforts hit me all at once
and I sagged, slowing to a stop on the sidewalk.

"That's better. Can we talk now?"

"Sure. Why not? I feel like getting something in my
stomach, anyway."

The Djin gave a theatrical wince.

"Ootch! You mean we're going to try to find a restaurant
again? Remember what happened the last time?"

In spite of myself I had to smile at his antics.

"As a matter of fact, I was thinking more on the order
of getting something to drink."

While I spoke, I was casting about for a bar. One thing
about Perv I had noticed, you never seemed to be out of
sight of at least one establishment that served alcoholic
beverages. This spot proved to be no exception, and now
that I was more attuned to my environment, I discovered
just such a place right next to where we were standing.

"This looks like as good a spot as any," I said, reaching
for the door. "C'mon, Kalvin, I'll buy the first round."

It was meant as a joke, because I hadn't seen the Djin
eat or drink anything since I released him from the bottle.
He seemed quite agitated at the thought, however, hanging
back instead of moving with me.

"Wait, Skeeve, I don't think we should ..."

I didn't dally to hear the rest. What the heck, this had
been his idea... sort of. Fighting a sudden wave of irritation,
I pushed on into the bar's interior.

At first glance, the place looked a little seedy. Also the
second and third glances, though it took a moment for my
eyes to adjust to the dim light. It was small, barely big

104 Robert Asprin

enough to hold the half-dozen tiny tables that crowded the
floor. Sagging pictures and clippings adorned the walls,
though what they were about specifically I couldn't tell
through the grime obscuring their faces. There was a small
bar with stools along one wall, where three tough-looking
patrons crouched hunched forward in conversation with the
bartender. They ceased talking and regarded me briefly with
cold, unfriendly stares as I surveyed the place, though
whether their hostility was because I was a stranger or be-
cause I was from off-dimension I wasn't sure. It did occur
to me that I was still wearing my disguise spell business
suit which definitely set me apart from the dark, weather-
beaten outfits the other patrons wore almost like a uniform.
It also occurred to me that this might not be the wisest place
to have a quiet drink.

"I think we should get out of here, Skeeve."

I don't know when Kalvin rejoined me, but he was there
hovering at my side again. His words echoed my own
thoughts, but sheer snorkiness made me take the opposite
stance.

"Don't be a snob, Kalvin," I muttered. "Besides, sitting
down for a while was your idea, wasn't it?"

Before he could answer, I strode to one of the tables and
plopped down in a seat, raising one hand to signal the
bartender. He ignored it and returned to his conversation
with the other drinkers.

"C'mon, Skeeve. Let's catch a cab back to the hotel and
have our conversation there," Kalvin said, joining me.
"You're in no frame of mind to start drinking. It'll only
make things worse."

He made a lot of sense. Unfortunately, for the mood I
was in, he made too much sense.

"You heard the Butterfly, Kalvin. I've been letting too
many other people run my life by listening to their well-

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   105

meaning advice. I'm supposed to start doing what I want
to do more often . . . and what I want to do right now is
have a drink . . . here."

For a moment I thought he was going to argue with me,
but then he gave a sigh and floated down to sit on the table
itself.

"Suit yourself," he said. "I suppose everyone's entitled
to make a jackass out of themselves once in a while."

"What'll it be?"

The bartender was looming over my table, saving me
from having to think of a devastating comeback for Kalvin's
jibe. Apparently, now that he had established that he
wouldn't come when summoned, he wanted to take my
order.

"I'll have ..."

Suddenly, a glass of wine didn't feel right. Unfortunately,
my experience with drinks was almost as limited as my
experience with members of the opposite sex.

"... Oh, just give me a round of whatever they're
drinking at the bar there."

The bartender gave a grunt that was neither approving
nor disapproving and left, only to return a few moments
later with a small glass of liquid which he slammed down
on the table hard enough for some- of the contents to slop
over the edge. I couldn't see it too clearly, but it seemed
to be filled with an amber fluid with bubbles in it that
gathered in a froth at the top.

"Ya gotta pay by the round," he sneered, as if it were
an insult.

I fished a handful of small change out of my pocket and
tossed it on the table, reaching for the glass with the other
hand.

Now, some of you might be wondering why I was so
willing to experiment with a strange drink after everything

106

Robert Asprin

I've been saying about food on Perv. Well, truth to tell, I
was son of hoping this venture would end in disaster. You
see, by this time I had cooled off enough to acknowledge
that Kalvin was probably right about going back to the hotel,
but I had made such a big thing out of making an independent
decision that changing my mind now would be awkward.
Somewhere in that train of thought, it occurred to me that
if this new drink made me sick, I would have an unimpeach-
able reason for reversing my earlier decision. With that in
mind, I raised the glass to my lips and took a sip.

The icy burst that hit my throat was such a surprise that
I involuntarily took another swallow . . . and another. I
hadn't realized how thirsty I was after my brisk walk until
I hit the bottom of the glass without setting it down or taking
a breath. Whatever this stuff was, it was absolutely marvel-
ous, and the vaguely bitter aftertaste only served to remind
me I wanted more.

"Bring me another of these," I ordered the bartender,
who was still sorting through my coins. "And can you bring
it in a larger container?"

"I could bring you a pitcher," he grumbled.

"Perfect... and pull a little extra there for your trouble."

"Say . . . thanks."

The bartender's mood and opinion of me seemed to have
improved as he made his way to the bar. I congratulated
myself for remembering what Edvik had said about tipping.

"I suppose it would be pushy to try to point out that
you're drinking on an empty stomach," the Djin said drily.

"Not at all," I grinned.

For once I was ahead of him and raised my voice to call

the bartender.

"Say! Could you bring me some of that popcorn while

you're at it?"

Most of the bar snacks that were laid out seemed to be

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   107

in mesh-covered containers to keep them from crawling or
hopping away. Amidst these horrors, however, I had spotted
a bin of popcorn when I came in, and had made special
note of it; thinking that at least some forms of junk food
appeared to be the same from dimension to dimension.

"Happy now?"

"I'd be happier if you picked something that was a little
less salty," Kalvin grimaced, "but I suppose it's better than
nothing."

The bartender delivered my pitcher along with a basket
of popcorn, then wandered off to greet some new patrons
who had just wandered in. I tossed a handful of the popcorn
into my mouth and chewed it while I refilled my glass from
the pitcher. It was actually more spicy than salty, which
made me revise some of my earlier thoughts about the uni-
versality of junk food, but I decided not to mention this
discovery to Kalvin. He was fussing at me enough already.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" I said, forcing
myself not to immediately wash down the popcorn with a
long drink from the glass.

The Djin leaned back and cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Well, your mood seems to have improved, Imt I was
under the impression you might want to talk about the But-
terfly's advice this afternoon."

As soon as he spoke, my current bubble of levity popped
and my earlier depression slammed into me like a fist. With-
out thinking I drained half the contents of my glass.

"I don't know, Kalvin. I've got a lot of respect for the
Butterfly, and I'm sure he meant well, but what he said has
raised a lot of questions in my mind . . . questions I've
never really asked myself before."

I topped off my glass casually, hoping the Djin wouldn't
notice how fast I was drinking the stuff.

"Questions like . . . ?"

108            Robert Asprin

"Well, like . . . What are friends . . . really? On the
rare occasions the subject comes up, all people seem to talk
about is the need to be needed. All of a sudden I'm not sure

I know what that means."

Somehow, my glass had gotten empty again. I refilled it

as I continued.

"The more I look at it, the more I think that if you really

need your friends, it's either a sign of weakness or laziness.
You either need or want people to do your thinking for you,
or your fighting for you, or whatever. Things that by rights
you should be able to do for yourself. By rights, that makes
you a parasite, existing by leeching off other people's

strength and generosity."

I started to take a drink and realized I was empty. I
suspected there was a leak in the glass, but set it aside,
resolving to let it sit there for a while before I tried refilling

it again.

"On the other hand, if you don't need your friends, what

good are they? Friends take up a big hunk of your time and
cause a lot of heartache, so if you don't really need them,
why should you bother? In a sense, if they need you, then
you're encouraging them into being parasites instead of de-
veloping strength on their own. I don't know. What do you

think, Kalvin?"

I gestured at him with my glass, and realized it was full

again. So much for my resolve. I also realized the pitcher

was almost empty.

"That's a rough one, Skeeve," the Djin was saying, and

I tried to focus on his words. "I think everybody has to
reach their own answer, though it's a rare person who even
thinks to ask the question. I will say it's an over-simplifica-
tion to try to equate caring about someone with weakness,
just as I think it's wrong to assume that if we can leam
from our friends, they're actually controlling our thinking."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   109

He stopped and stared at my hand. I followed his gaze
and realized I was trying to fill my empty glass from an
empty pitcher.

"I also think," he sighed, "that we should definitely
head back to the hotel now. Have you paid the tab? Are we
square here?"

"Thass another thing," I said, fighting to get the words
out past my tongue, which suddenly seemed to have a mind
of its own. "What he said about money. I haven't been
using my money right."

"For cryin' out loud, Skeeve! Lower your voice!"

"No, really! I've got all thissh money ..."

I fumbled my moneybelt out and emptied the gold onto
the table.

"... And has it made ME happy? Has it made ANY-
BODY happy?"

When no answer came, I blinked my eyes, trying to get
Kalvin back into focus. When he finally spoke, he seemed
to be very tense, though his voice was very quiet.

"I think you may have just made someone happy, but I
don't think it'll be you."

That's when I noticed the whole bar was silent. Looking
around, I was surprised to see how many people had come
in while we were talking. It was an ugly-looking crowd,
but no one seemed to be talking to each other or doing
anything. They just stood there looking at me . . . or to be
more exact, looking at the table covered with my money.

Chapter Twelve:

"HOLY BATSHIT, FATMAN! I mean . . ."

—ROBIN

"I ... THINK I'VE made a tactic . . . tad ... an error,"
I whispered with as much dignity as I could muster.

"You can say that again," Kalvin shot back mercilessly.
"You forgot the first rule of survival: Don't tease the ani-
mals. Look, Skeeve, do you want to get out of here, or do
you want to get out with your money?"

"Want . . . my money." I wasn't that drunk ... or
maybe I was.

The Djin rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"I was afraid of that. That's going to be a little rougher.
Okay, the first thing you do is get that gold out of sight. I
don't think they'll try anything in here. There are too many
witnesses, which means too many ways to split the loot."

I obediently began to pick up the coins. My hands seemed
to lack the dexterity necessary to lead them back into my
moneybelt, so I settled for shoving them into my pockets
as best I could.

Ill

112            Robert Asprin

The bar was no longer silent. There was a low murmur
going around that sounded ominous even in my condition
as various knots of patrons put their heads together. Even
without the dark looks they kept shooting in my direction
it wasn't hard to guess what the subject of their conversation

was.

"The way I see it, if there's going to be trouble, it will

hit when we leave. That means the trick is to leave without
their knowing it. Order another pitcher."

That's when I realized how much I'd already had to drink.
For a moment there, I thought the Djin had said . . .

"You want me to ..."
"... Order another pitcher, but whatever you do, don't

drink any of it."

That made even less sense, but I followed his instructions

and gestured at the bartender who delivered another pitcher

with impressive speed.

I paid him from my pocket.
-"I don't get it," I said. "Why should I order a pitcher

when you say I shouldn't ..."

"Shut up and listen," Kalvin hissed. "That was so every-
body watching you will think you're planning to stick around
for a while. In the meantime, we move."

That made even less sense than having some more to

drink.

"But, Kalvin . . . most of them are between us and the

door! They'll see me ..."

' 'Not out the front door, stupid! You see that little hallway

in back? That leads to the restrooms. There's also an exit
back there which probably opens into an alley. That's the

route we' re taking."

"How do you know there's an exit back there?" I said

suspiciously.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   113

"Because one of the things I do when I come into a new
bar is count the exits," the Djin retorted. "It's a habit I
suggest you develop if you're going to keep drinking."

' 'Don't want any more to drink,'' I managed, my stomach
suddenly rebelling at the thought.

"Good boy. Easy now. Nice and casual. Head for the
restrooms."

I took a deep breath in a vain effort to clear my head,
then stood up ... or at least I tried to. Somewhere in the
process, my foot got tangled in my chair and I nearly lost
my balance. I managed not to fall, but the chair went over
on its side noisily, drawing more than a few snickers from
the roughnecks at the bar.

"That's all right," Kalvin soothed, his voice seeming to
come from a great distance. "Now just head down the
hallway."

I seemed to be very tall all of a sudden. Moving very
carefully, I drew a bead on the opening to the hallway and
headed in. I made it without touching the walls on either
side and felt a small surge of confidence. Maybe this scheme
of Kalvin's would work after all! As he had said, there was
an exit door in the wall just short of the restrooms. Without
being told, I changed course and pushed out into the alley,
easing the door shut behind me. I was out!

"Oops."

I frowned at the Djin.

"What do you mean, 'Oops!'? Didn't you say I
should ..."

"Nice of you to drop by, mister!"

That last was said by a burly Pervect, one of six actually
who were blocking our path down the alley. Apparently our
little act hadn't fooled everybody.

"Skeeve, I ..."

Robert Asprin

114

"Never mind, Kalvin. I just figured out for myself what

'Oops' means."

"Of course, you know this here's what you'd call a toll-
alley. You got to pay to use it."

That was the same individual talking. If he noticed me
talking to Kalvin, which to him would look like talking to
thin air, he didn't seem to mind or care.

"That's right," one of his cronies chimed in. "We figure
what you got in your pockets ought to just about cover it."

"Quick! Back inside!" Kalvin hissed.

"Way ahead of you," I murmured, feeling behind myself

for the door.

I found it ... sort of. The door was there, but there was
no handle on this side. Apparently the bar owners wanted
it used for exits only. Terrific.

"... The only question is: Are you gonna give it to us
quietly, or are we gonna have to take it?"

I've faced lynch mobs, soldiers, and sports fans before,
but a half-dozen Pervish plug-uglies was the most frightening
force I've ever been confronted with. I decided, all by my-
self, that this would be an excellent time to delegate a

problem.

"C'mon, Kalvin! Do something!

"Like what? I told you I'm no good in a fight."

"Well, do SOMETHING! You're supposed to be the

Djin!"

I guess I knew deep inside that carping at Kalvin wouldn't

help matters. To my surprise, however, he responded.
"Oh, all right!" he grimaced. "Maybe this will help."
With that, he made a few passes with his hands and...
. , . And I was sober! Stone-cold sober!

I looked at him.
"That's all I can do for you," he shrugged. "From here,

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   115

you're on your own. At least now you won't have to fight
'em drunk."

The thugs were starting to pick up boards and pieces of
brick from the alley.

"Time's up!" their leader declared, starting for me.

I smiled at Kalvin.

"I think your analysis of friendship was only a little short
of brilliant," I said, "There are a couple of points I'd like
to go over, though."

"NOW?" the Djin shrieked. "This is hardly the time to
. . . Look out!"

The leader of the pack was cocking his arms to take a
double-handed swing at me with a piece of lumber he had
acquired somewhere along the way. As the wood whistled
toward its target, which is to say, my head, I made a circular
gesture in the air between us with my hand ... and the
board rebounded as if it had struck an invisible wall!

"Magikal ward," I informed the gape-mouthed Djin.
"It's like a force field, only different. I did mention I was
a magician, didn't I!"

The gang stopped dead in their tracks at this display; a
few had even retreated a few steps.

"Oh, before I forget, thanks for the sobering-up job,
Kalvin. You're right. It does make it a lot easier to focus
the mind. Anyway, as I was saying, I've gotten a lot of
mileage out of wards. They can be used like I just did,- as
a shield, or . . ."

I made a few quick adjustments to the spell.

"... You can widen them out into a wall or a bubble.
Coming?"

I had expanded the ward and was now starting to push
the gang back down the alley ahead of us. It was a minor
variant of the trick I used to break up a fight at the Big

Robert Asprin

116

Game a while back, so I had reason to have confidence in
it. I figured we would just walk out of the alley keeping
the thugs at a respectful distance, then hail a cab to get us

the heck out of there.
The gang leader had turned and trotted out ahead of the

others a few paces.

"Cute. Real cute," he called, turning to face me again.
"Hadn't figured you for magik. Well, let's see how you
handle this, wise guy!"

With that, he pulled what looked like a couple of
blackboard erasers from the pocket of his jacket. At first,
I thought he was going to try to throw them at me, but
instead he clapped them together over his head, showering
himself with what appeared to be white chalk dust. It would
have been funny ... if he hadn't looked so grim as he

started for me again.

Just to be on the safe side, I doubled up on the ward in
front of him . . . and he walked right through it!

"That's what I thought!" he called to his cronies, pausing
once he had penetrated my defenses. "Real low level stuff.
Go to Class Two or heavier, guys ... in fact, the heavier

the better!"

I should have seen it coming . . . maybe would have if
I had more time to think. In a dimension that used both
magik and technology, there were bound to be counter-
magik spells and weapons available. Unfortunately, it
seemed I was about to leam about them first hand!

The other gang members were all reaching into their
pockets and producing charms or spray cans. I had a bad
• feeling that my magikal ward wasn't going to protect me
much longer. Apparently Kalvin was of the same opinion.

"Quick, Skeeve! Have you got any other tricks up your

sleeve?''

"I've always figured that, in times of crisis, it's best to

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   117

play through your strongest suit. Still hoping to avoid any
actual violence, I pulled my energy out of the wards and
threw it into a new disguise: an over-muscled Pervect easily
half again as tall as I really was.

"Do you boys really want me to get rough?" I shouted,
trying as best as I could to make my voice a threatening bass.

I had thought of making myself look like a policeman,
but had discarded the idea. With my luck they probably
would have surrendered, and then what would I have done
with them? I wanted them to run ... as far out of my life
as possible!

It didn't work.

I had barely gotten the words out when a large chunk of
brick ripped through the air just over my head . . . passing
through what would have been the chest of the disguised me.

"Disguise spell!" the thrower called. "Go for him like
we saw him before!"

To say the least, I figured it was time for the better part
of valor. Trying to keep my mind under control, which is
harder to do than it sounds with half a dozen bully-boys
charging down on you, I slapped on a levitation spell and
took to the skies.

... At least, I tried to.

I was barely airborne when a vise-like grip closed on my
ankle.

"I've got him!"

The grip hurt, which made it difficult to concentrate on
my spell. Then, too, it seemed the day had taken a lot more
out of me than I had realized. Normally, I can, and have,
levitated as many as two people besides myself . . . count
that as three since one of them was Massha. In the scramble
of the moment, however, I was hard pressed to lift myself
and the guy who was holding my ankle. I struggled to get
him into the air, then something bounced off my head and...

118

Robert Asprin

The ground slammed into me at an improbable angle,
and for a moment, I saw stars. The pressure seemed to be
gone from my ankle, but when I opened my eyes, the leader
was standing over me with his trusty board in his hands.

'' Nice try, wise guy!" he sneered." But not good enough.
Now give me the ..."

Suddenly he went sprawling as someone piled into him
from behind.

"Quick, Mr. Skeeve! Get up!"

It took me a moment to realize it was the street vendor
I had spoken to that morning. He crouched over me, facing
down the circling gang.

"Hurry up! I can't hold these guys off by myself!"

I wasn't sure I could get up if I wanted to, but at this
point I was willing to abandon any hopes of a non-violent
solution to our problems. Propping myself up on one elbow,
I reached out with my mind, grabbed a garbage can, and
sent it sailing through the gang's formation.

"What the . . ."

"Look out!"

If they wanted physical, I'd give it to them. I mentally
grabbed two more trash cans and sent them into the fray,
keeping all three flying back and forth in the narrow confines
of the alley.

"Cripes! I'm on your side! Remember?'' the street vendor
cried, ducking under one of my missiles.

I summoned up a little more energy and threw a ward
over the two of us. Somehow, I didn't think anyone had
thought to use their anti-magik stuff on a garbage can.

A few more swings with the old trash cans, and it was

all over.

Heaving a ragged breath, I dropped the ward and brought
my makeshift weapons to a halt. Pour of my attackers lay

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   119

sprawled on the ground, and the other two had apparently
taken to their heels.

"Nice work, Skeeve," Kalvin crowed, appearing from
wherever it was he had taken cover when the fracas started.

' 'Are you all right, Mr. Skeeve?'' the street vendor asked,
extending a hand to help me to my feet.

"I think so... yes... thanks to you ... J.R., isn't it?"

"That's right. I was walkin' home when I saw these
jokers pilin' into you. It looked a little uneven, so I thought
I'd lend a hand. Cheez! I didn 't know you wuz a magician!''

"A mighty grateful magician right now," I s'aid, digging
into my pocket. "Here, take this. Consider it my way of
saying thank you."

"Excuse me," the Djin drawled, "but didn't we just get
into this whole brawl so you could keep your money?"

He needn't have worried. J.R. recoiled from the gold as
if I had offered him poison.

"I didn't help you for money!" he said through tight
lips. "I know you don't mean . . . Cripes! All you rich
guys are the same. You think your money . . . Look! I
work for my money, see! I ain't no bum lookin' for a
handout!"

With that he spun on his heel and marched away, leaving
me with an outstretched hand full of gold.

It would have been a beautiful exit, if the alley hadn't
suddenly been blocked by a vehicle pulling in ... a vehicle
with blue and red flashing lights on top.

Chapter Thirteen:

"Who? Me, Officer?"

—J. DILLINGER

"I STILL DON'T see why we should be detained."

It seemed like hours that we had been at the police station,
we being myself, J.R., and, of course, Kalvin, though the
police seemed unaware of the latter's existence and I, in
turn, was disinclined to tell them. Despite our protests, we
had been transported here shortly after the police had arrived.
The thugs had been revived and placed in a separate vehicle,
though I noticed they were handled far less gently than we
were. Still, it was small consolation to being held against
our will.

"You don't? Well, then we'll have to go over it all again
slowly and see if you can get a hint."

This was spoken by the individual who had been conduct-
ing our interrogation since we arrived. From the deferential
way the other policemen treated him, I assumed he was a
ranking officer of some sort. He possessed bad breath, a
foul disposition, and what seemed to be an endless tolerance

121

122 Robert Asprin

for repetition. As he launched into his oration, I fought an

impulse to chant along with the now-familiar words.
"We could charge you with Being Drunk in Public."
"I'm stone cold sober," I interrupted, thanking my lucky

stars for Kalvin's assistance. "If you don't believe it, test

me."

"There are a lot of witnesses who said you were falling

down drunk in the bar."
"I tripped over a chair."

"Then there's the minor matter of Assault . . ."
"I keep telling you, they attacked me! It was self-de-
fense!"

"... And Destruction of Private Property ..."
"For cryin' out loud, it was a garbage can! I'll pay for

a new one if that's ..."

"... And, of course, there's Resisting Arrest."
"I asked them where we were going. That's all."
"That's not the way the arresting officers tell it."
Realizing I was getting nowhere in this argument, I did

the next most logical thing: I took out my frustration on an

innocent bystander. In this case, the nearest available target

happened to be J.R., who seemed to be dozing off in his

chair.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" I demanded.

"You're in this too, you know."
"There's no need," the street vendor shrugged. "It's not

like we were in trouble or anything."

"That's funny. I thought we were in a police station."
"So what? They aren't really serious. Are you. Captain?"
The Pervect who had been arguing with me shot him a

dark look, but I noticed he didn't contradict what had been

said.

"I'll bite J.R.," I said, still watching the captain. "What

are you seeing that I'm not in this situation?"

*»

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   123

"It's what isn't happening that's the tip-off," he winked.
"What isn't happening is we aren't being booked. We've

been here a long time and they haven't charged us with any
crimes."

"But the Captain here said ..."

"He said they could charge us with etc., etc. You notice
he hasn't actually done it. Believe me, Mr. Skeeve, if they
were going to jail us, we'd have been behind bars an hour
ago. They're just playing games to stall for a while."

What he said seemed incredible considering the amount
of grief we were being put through, yet I couldn't find a

hole in his logic. I turned to the captain and raised an
eyebrow.

"Is that true?" I said.

The policeman ignored me, leaning back in his chair to
stare at J.R. through half-closed eyes.

"You seem to know a lot about police procedure, son.
Almost as if you've been rousted before."

A sneer spread across the street vendor's face as he met
the challenge head on.

"Anyone who works the streets gets hassled," he said.
"It's how you police protect the upstanding citizens from
merchants like me who are too poor to afford a storefront.
I suppose it is a lot safer than taking on the real criminals
who might shoot back. We should be grateful to our defen-
ders of the law. If it wasn't for them, the dimension would

probably be overrun with street vendors and parking vio-
lators."

I should have been grateful for the diversion after being
on the hot seat myself for so long. Unfortunately, I had also
logged in a fair amount of time as the Great Skeeve, and
as such was much more accustomed to being hassled than
I was to being overlooked.

"I believe the question was 'Are we or are we not being

124            Robert Asprin

charged with any crimes?' " I said pointedly. "I'm still

waiting for an answer."
The captain glowered at me for a few moments, but when

I didn't drop my return gaze, he heaved a sigh.

"No. We won't be bringing any charges against you at

this time."

"Then we're free to go?"
"Well, there are a few more questions you'll have to

answer first. After that, you're free to ..."

"That's 'more' as in new questions, not the same ones

all over again. Right?"
The policeman glared at me, but now that I knew we

were in the clear, I was starting to have fun with this.
"That's right," he said through gritted teeth.

"Okay. Shoot."
I suddenly realized that was an unfortunate use of words

in a room full of armed policemen, but it escaped unnoticed.
The captain cleared his throat noisily before continuing.
"Mister Skeeve," he began formally, "do you wish to

press charges against the alleged attackers we currently have

in custody?"

"What kind of a silly question is that? Of course I want

to."

Kalvin was waving frantically at me and pointing to J.R.

The street vendor was shaking his head in a slow, but firm,

negative.

"... Um . . . before I make up my mind on that,

Captain," I hedged, trying to figure out what J.R. was
thinking, "could you tell me what happens if I don't press

charges?''

"We can probably hold onto them until tomorrow mom-
ing for questioning, but then we'll let them go."

That didn't sound like particularly satisfying treatment
for a gang that had tried to rob me. Still, J.R. seemed to

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    125

know what he was doing so far, and I was disinclined to
go against his signaled advice.

"... And if I DO press charges?" I pressed, trying to
sort it out.

"I'm not a judge," the captain shrugged, "so I can't say
for sure ... but I can give you my best guess."

"Please."

"We'll charge them with Attempted Robbery and Assault
with Intent To Do Great Bodily Harm ... I don't think we
could make Attempted Murder stick."

That sounded pretty good to me, but the policeman wasn't
finished.

"... Then the court will appoint a lawyer—if they don't
already have one—who will arrange for bail to be set. They'll
probably raise the money from a bondsman and be back on
the streets before noon tomorrow."

"What? But they ..."

' 'It'll take a couple of months for the trial to be scheduled,
at which point it'll be your word against theirs . . . and
they're not only locals, they have you outnumbered."

I was starting to see the light.

"... That is, if it gets to trial. More than likely there'll
be some plea bargaining, and they'll plead guilty to a lesser
charge, which means a smaller sentence with an earlier
parole—if the sentence isn't suspended as soon as it's handed
down ..."

"Whoa! Stop! I think I'll just pass on pressing charges."

"Thought you would," the captain nodded. "It's prob-
ably the easiest way for everybody. After all, you weren't
hurt, and you've still got your money."

"Of course, the next person they jump may not be quite
so lucky" I said drily.

"I didn't say it was the best way to handle it, just the
easiest."

Robert Asprin

126

Before I could think of a witty answer to that one, a
uniformed policeman rapped at the doorframe, entered the
room, and passed a sheet of paper to the captain. Something
about the way the latter* s lips tightened as he scanned the

sheet made me nervous.

"Well, well, Mis-tet Skeeve," he said at last, dropping

the paper onto the desk in front of him. "It seems this isn't
the first time you've dealt with the police since arriving in

this dimension."

"Uh-oh," Kalvin-exclaimed, rolling his eyes, "here it

comes!"

"What makes you say that, Captain?"

I had a hunch it wouldn't do any good to act innocent.
Unfortunately, I didn't have any other ideas about how to act.

"What makes me say that is the report I just received. I
thought I should check with the other precincts to see if
they had heard of you, and it seems they have."

"That's why they've been stalling," J.R. put in. "To
wait until the reports came in. It's called police efficiency."

The captain ignored him.
"According to this, you've had two run-ins with the police

already. First for acting suspicious on the public streets ..."

"I was being polite instead of barreling into people!" I
broke in, exasperated. "I'm sorry, I was new here and
didn't know 'rude' was the operative word for this dimen-
sion. You should put up signs or something warning people
that being polite is grounds for harassment on Perv!"
The captain continued as if I hadn't spoken.
"... And later that same day, you tried to get out of

paying for a pretty expensive meal."

"I fainted, for Pete's sake! As soon as I came to, I paid

for the meal, even though I hadn't eaten a bite."

'' Now that in itself sounds a little suspicious," the captain

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   127

said, pursing his lips. "Why would you order a meal you
couldn't, or wouldn't, eat?"

"Because I didn't know I couldn't eat it when I ordered
it, obviously. I keep telling you . . . I'm new here!"

"Uh huh," the policeman leaned back and studied me
through slitted eyes. "You've got a glib answer for every-
thing . . . don't you. Mister Skeeve."

"That's because it's true! Would I be less suspicious if
I didn't have answers for your questions? Tell me, Captain,
I really want to know! I know I'm not a criminal, what does
it take to convince you?"

The captain shook his head slowly.

"Frankly, I don't know. I've been on the force for a long
time, and I've learned to trust my instincts. Your story
sounds good, but my instinct tells me you're trouble looking
for a place to happen."

I could see I was playing into a stacked deck, so I aban-
doned the idea of impressing him with my innocence.

"I guess the bottom line is the same as before that sheet
came in, then. Are you going to press charges against me
... or am I free to go?"

He studied me for a few more moments, then waved his
hand.

"Go on. Get out of here . . . and take your little street
buddy with you. Just take my advice and don't carry so
much cash in the future. There's no profit in teasing the
animals."

If I had been thinking, I would have let it go at that.
Unfortunately, it had been a long day and I was both tired
and annoyed ... a dangerous combination.

"I'll remember that, Captain," I said, rising to my feet.
"I had been under the impression that the police were around
to protect innocent citizens like me . . . not to waste every-

Robert Asprin

128

body's time harassing them. Believe me, I've learned my

lesson."

Every policeman in the room suddenly tensed, and I

realized too late that there was also no profit in critiquing

the police.

"... And if we don't check on suspicious characters
before they make trouble, then all we're good for is filling
out reports AFTER a crime had been committed," the cap-
tain spat bitterly. "Either way, 'innocent citizens' like you
can find something to gripe about!"

"I'm sorry. Captain. I shouldn't have . . ."

I don't know if he even heard my attempted apology. If
he did, it didn't make a difference.

"You see, I've learned my lesson, too. When I first
joined the force, I thought there was nothing better I could
do with my life than to spend it protecting innocent citizens
. . . and I still believe that. Even then I knew this would
be a thankless occupation. What I hadn't realized was that
'innocent citizens' like you are not only ungrateful, the
tendency is to treat the police like they're enemies!"

I decided against trying to interrupt him. He was on a
roll, lecturing about what seemed to be his favorite subject.
Opening my mouth now would probably be about as safe
as getting between my pet dragon, Gleep, and his food dish.

"Everybody wants the crooks to be in jail, but nobody
wants a prison in their community ... or to vote in the
taxes to build new jails. So the prisons we have are over-
crowded, and the 'innocent citizens' scream bloody murder
every time a judge suspends a sentence or lets an offender

out on parole."

He was up and pacing back and forth now as he warmed

to his subject.

"Nobody sees the crimes that aren't committed. We can
reduce the crime rate 98%, and the 'innocent citizens' blame

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   129

US for that last 2% ... as if we were the ones committing
the crimes! Nobody wants to cooperate with the police or
approve the tax allocations necessary to keep up with infla-
tion, so we can't even keep'abreast of where we are, much
less expand to keep up with the population growth."
He paused and leveled an accusing finger at J.R.
"Then there are 'innocent citizens' like your buddy here,
who admits he's running an illegal, unlicensed business.
What that means, incidentally, is that he doesn't have to
pay any taxes, even the existing ones, although he expects
the same protection from us as the storekeepers who do,
even though most of them cheat on their taxes as well."

"So we're supposed to keep the peace and apprehend
criminals while we're understaffed and using equipment
that's outdated and falling apart. About all we have to work
with is our instincts . . . and then we get hassled for using
that!"

He came to a halt in front of me, and pushed his face
close to mine, treating me to another blast of his breath. I
didn't point it out to him.

"Well this time we're going to see just how good my
instincts are. I'm letting you go for now, but it occurs to
me it might be a good idea to run a check on you on other
dimensions. If you're just an innocent businessman like you
claim, we won't find anything ... but if I'm right," he
gave me a toothy grin, "you've probably tangled with the
law before, and we'll find that too. I'm betting you've left
a trail of trouble behind you, a trail that leads right to here.
If so, we'll be talking again . . . real soon. I don't want
you to switch hotels or try to leave the dimension without
letting me know, understand? I want to be able to find you
again, MISTER Skeeve!"

Chapter Fourteen:

'Parting is such sweet sorrow."

—FIGARO

THE POSSIBILITY OF an extensive check on my off-dimen-
sion background worried me, but not so much that I forgot
my manners. J.R. had saved my skin in the alley fight,
and, throughout the police grilling, a part of my mind had
been searching for a way to repay him. As we left the police
station, I thought I had the answer.

"Say, J.R.," I said, turning to him on the steps, "about
that business you want to start . . . how much capital would
you need to get started?"

I could see his neck stiffening as I spoke.

"I told you before, Mr. Skeeve, I won't take a reward
for saving your life."

"Who said anything about a reward? I'm talking about
investing in your operation and taking a share of the profits.''

That one stopped him in his tracks.

"You'd do that?"

"Why not? I'm a businessman and always try to keep an
eye open for new ventures to back. The trickiest thing is

131

Robert Asprin

132

finding trustworthy principals to manage the investments.
In your case, you've already proved to me that you're
trustworthy. So how much would you need for this plan of

yours?"
The street vendor thought for a few moments.

"Even with backing I'd want to start small and build.
Figuring that. . . yeah. I think about five thousand in gold
would start things off right."

"Oh," I said, intelligently. I wasn't about to question
his figures, but the start-up cost was higher than I had
expected. I only had a couple thousand with me, and most
of that was going to cover Edvick's services and the hotel
bill. So much for a grand gesture!

"I'll ... uh ... have to think about it."

J.R.'s face fell.

"Yeah. Sure. Well, you know where to find me when you

make up your mind."

He turned and strode off down the street without looking
back. It was silly to feel bad about not fulfilling an offer I

didn't have to make, but I did.

"Well, I guess it's time for us to head back to the hotel
. . . right Skeeve?" Kalvin chimed in.

I had botched the job with J. R., but I resolved that this
one I was going to do right.

"No," I said.

"No?" the Djin echoed. "So where are we going in-
stead?"

"That's the whole point, Kalvin. We aren't going any-
where. I'm going back to the hotel. You're going back to

Djinger."
He floated up to eye level with me, frowning as he cocked

his head to one side.

"I don't get it. Why should I go back to Djinger?"
"Because you've filled your contract. That means you're

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   133

free to go, so I assume you're going."

"I did?"

"Sure. Back in the alley. You used a spell to sober me
up before I had to fight those goons. To my thinking, that
fulfills your contract."

The Djin stroked his beard thoughtfully.

"I dunno," he said. "That wasn't much of a spell."

"You never promised much," I insisted. "As a matter
of fact, you went to great lengths to impress me with how
little you could do."

"Oh, that," Kalvin waved his hand deprecatingly.
"That's just the standard line of banter we feed to the cus-
tomers. It keeps them from expecting too much of a Djin.
You'd be amazed at some of the things folks expect us to
do. If we can keep their expectations low, then they're easier
to impress when we strut our stuff."

"Well it worked. I'm impressed. If you hadn't done your
thing back there in the alley, my goose would have been
cooked before J.R. hit the scene."

"Glad to help. It was less dangerous than trying to lend
a hand in the fight."

"Maybe, but by my count it still squares things between
us. You promised one round of minor help, and delivered
it at a key moment. That's all your contract called for . . .
and more."

The Djin folded his arms and stared, frowning into the
distance for several moments.

"Check me on this, Skeeve," he said finally, "I've been
helpful to you so far, right?"

"Right,'' I nodded, wondering what he was leading up to.

"And I've been pretty good company, haven't I? I mean,
I do tend to run off at the mouth a bit, but overall you
haven't seemed to mind having me around."

"Right again."

134 Robert Asprin

"So why are you trying to get rid of me?"

Suddenly, the whole day caught up with me. The well
meant advice from the Butterfly, the drinking, the fight, the
head-butting with the police all swelled within me until my
mind and temper burst from the pressure.

"I'M NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU!!" I
shrieked at the Djin, barely aware my voice had changed.
"Don't you think I want to keep you around? Don't you
think I know that my odds of finding Aahz on my own in
this wacko dimension are next to zip? Damn-lit, Kalvin, I'M
TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU!!!"

"Um . . . maybe you could be a little less nice and quit
shouting?"

I realized that I had backed him across the sidewalk and
currently had him pinned against the wall with the force of
my "niceness." I took a long, deep breath and tried to bring
myself under control.

"Look," I said carefully, "I didn't mean to yell at you.
It's just ..."

Something trickled down my face and it dawned on me
that I was on the verge of tears. On the verge, heck! I was
starting to cry. I cleared my throat noisily, covertly wiping
away the tear as I covered my mouth, hoping Kalvin
wouldn't notice. If he did, he was too polite to say anything.

"Let me try this again from the top."

I drew a ragged breath.

"You've been a big help, Kalvin, more than I could have
ever hoped for when I opened your vial. Your advice has
been solid, and if I've been having trouble it's because I
didn't listen to it enough."

I paused, trying to organize my thoughts.

"I'm not trying to get rid of you . . . really. I'd like
nothing better than to have you stick around at least until I
found Aahz. I just don't want to trade on our friendship. I

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   135

got your services in a straightforward business deal. . . one
you had no say in, if your account of how Djinger works
is accurate. If I sounded a bit cold when I told you I thought
our contract was complete, it's because I was fighting against
begging you to stay. I was afraid that if I did, it would put
you in a bad position . . . actually, it would put me in a
bad position. If I made a big appeal to you and you said
no, it would leave us both feeling pretty bad at the end of
what otherwise has been a mutually beneficial association.
The only thing I could think of that would be worse would
be if you agreed to stay out of pity. Then I'd feel guilty as
long as you were around, knowing all the while that you
could and should be going about your own business, and
would be if I weren't so weak that I can't handle a simple
task by myself."

The tears were running freely now, but I didn't bother
trying to hide them. I just didn't care anymore.

"Mostly what you've done," I continued, "is to keep
me company. I've felt scared and alone ever since I hit this
dimension ... or would have if you hadn't been along.
I'm so screaming afraid of making a mistake that I'd prob-
ably freeze up and do nothing unless I had somebody in
tow to applaud when I did right and to carp at me when I
did wrong . . . just so I'd know the difference. That's how
insecure I am ... I don't even trust my own judgment as
to whether I'm right or not in what I do! The trouble is, I
haven't been doing so well in the friendship department
lately. Aahz walked out on me, the M.Y.T.H. team thinks
I've deserted them . . . heck, I even managed to offend
J.R. by trying to say thanks with my wallet instead of my
mouth."

It occurred to me I was starting to ramble. Making a
feeble pass at my tear-streaked face with my sleeve, I forced
a smile.

Robert Asprin

136

"Anyway, I can't see imposing on you, either as a friend
or a business associate, just to hold my hand in troubled
times. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what you've
done or that I'm trying to get rid of you. I'd appreciate it
if you stuck around but I don't think I have any right to ask

you to."

Having run out of things to say, I finished with a half-
hearted shrug. Strangely enough, after bearing my soul and
clearing my mind of the things which had been troubling
me, I felt worlds better.

"Are you through?"

Kalvin was still hovering patiently with his arms folded.
Perhaps it was my imagination, but there seemed to be a
terse edge to his voice.

"I guess so. Sorry for running on like that."

"No problem. Just as long as I get my innings."

"Innings?"

"A figure of speech," he waved. "In this case, it means
it's my turn to talk and your turn to listen. I've tried before,
but it seems like every time I start, we get interrupted . . .
or you get drunk."

I grimaced at the memory.

"I didn'tmean to get drunk. It's just thati've never..."

"Hey! Remember? It's my turn," the Djin broke in. "I
want to say . . . just a second."

He made a sweeping gesture with his hand and . . . grew!
Suddenly he was the same size I was.

"There, that's better!" he said, dusting his hands to-
gether. "It'll be a littler harder to overlook me now."

I was about to ask for a full accounting of his "meager"
powers, but his last comment had stung me.

"I'm sorry, Kalvin. I didn't mean to . . ."

"Save it!" he ordered, waving his hand. "Right now it's
my turn. There'll be lots of time later for you to wallow in

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   137

guilt. If not, I'm sure you'll make the time."

That had a nasty sound to it, but I subsided and gestured
for him to continue.

"Okay," he said, "first, last, and in between, you're
wrong, Skeeve. It's hard for me to believe such a right guy
can be so wrong."

It occurred to me that I had already admitted my confi-
dence in my perception of right and wrong was at an all
time low. I didn't verbalize it, though. Kalvin had said he
wanted a chance to have his say, and I was going to do my
best to not interrupt. I owed him that much.

"Ever since we met, you've been talking about right and
wrong as if they were absolutes. According to you, things
are either right or they're wrong . . . period. 'Was Aahz
right to leave?' . . . Are you wrong to try to bring him
back? . . . Well, my young friend, life isn't that simple.
Not only are you old enough to know that, you'd better
learn it before you drive yourself and everyone around you
absolutely crazy!"

He began to float back and forth in the air in front of me
with his hands clasped behind his back. I supposed it was
his equivalent of pacing.

"It's possible for you, or anyone else to not be right and
still not be wrong, just as you can be right from a business
standpoint, but wrong from a humanitarian viewpoint. The
worlds are complex, and people are a hopless tangle of
contradictions. Conditions change not only from situation
to situation.and person to person, but from moment to mo-
ment as well. Trying to kid yourself that there's some master
key to what's right and wrong is ridiculous . . . worse than
that, it's dangerous, because you'll always end up feeling
incompetent and inadequate when it eludes you."

Even though I was having trouble grasping what he was
saying, that last part rang a bell. It described with uncom-

138 Robert Asprin

fortable accuracy how I felt about myself more often than
not! I tried to listen more closely.

"You've got to accept that life is complicated and often
frustrating. What's right for you may not be right for Aahz.
There are even times when there is no right answer . . .
just the least objectionable of several bad choices. Recognize
that, then don't waste time and energy wondering why it is
or railing that it's unfair . . . accept it."

"I ... I'll try," I said "but it's not easy."

"Of course it's not easy!" the Djin shot back. "Who
ever said it was easy? Nothing's easy. Sometimes it's less
difficult than at other times, but it's never easy. Part of your
problem is that you keep thinking things should be easy, so
you assume the easy way is the right way. Case in point:

You knew it would be hard to ask me to stay on after I had
fulfilled the contract, so you decided the right thing to do
was not to ask . . . ignoring how hard it would be for you
to keep hunting for Aahz without me."

"But if it would be easier for me if you stayed ..."

"That's right. It's a contradiction," Kalvin grinned.
"Confusing, isn't it? Forget right and wrong for a while.
What do you want?"

That one was easy.

"I'd like you to stay and help me look for Aahz," I said
firmly.

The Djin smiled and nodded.

"Not a chance," he replied.

"What?"

"Did I stutter? I said ..."

"I know what you said!" I cut him off. "It's just that
you said ... I mean before you said ..."

"Oh, there's no problem in your asking me ... or in
your terms. I'm just not going to stay."

By now my head was spinning with confusion, but I tried

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   139

to maintain what little poise I had left.
" ... But I thought... Oh, well. I guess I was mistaken."

"No you weren't. If you had asked me in the first place,
I would have stayed.

"Then why . . ."I began, but the Djin waved me into
silence.

"I'm sorry, Skeeve. I shouldn't tease you with head
games at a time like this. What changed my mind was
something you said while you were explaining why you
didn't ask. You said you were scared and insecure, which
is only sane, all things considered. But then you added
something about how you were afraid to trust your own
judgment and therefore needed someone else along to tell
you whether you were right or not."
He paused and shook his head.

"I can't go along with that. I realized then that if I stayed,
I'd fall into the same trap all your other colleagues have . . .
of inadvertently doing your thinking for you when we ex-
press our own opinions. The sad thing is that we aren't,
really. You decide yourself what advice you do and don't
listen to. The trouble is, you only remember when you go
against advice and it goes wrong . . . like when you got
drunk tonight. Any correct judgment calls you assume were
made by your 'advisors.' Well, you've convinced me that
you're a right guy, Skeeve. Now all you have to do is
convince yourself. That's why I'm going to head on back
to Djinger and let you work this problem out on your own.
Right or wrong, there'll be no one to take the credit or share

the blame. It's all yours. I'm betting your solution will be
right."

He held out his hand. I took it and carefully shook hands
with this person who had been so much help to me.

"I ... well, thanks, Kalvin. You've given me a lot to
think about."

140

Robert Asprin

"It's been a real pleasure, Skeeve . . . really. Good luck
in finding our friend. Oh, say ..."

He dug something out of his waistband and placed it in
my hand. As he released it, it grew into a full-sized business

card.

"That's my address on Djinger. Stay in touch . . . even
if it's just to let me know how this whole thing turns out."

"I will," I promised. "Take care of yourself, Kalvin . . .
and thanks again!"

"Oh, and one more thing . . . about your having problems
with your friends? Forget trying to be strong. Your real
strength is in being a warm, caring person. When you try
to be strong, it comes across as being cold and insensitive.
Think about it."

He gave one last wave, folded his arms, and faded from
view.

I stared at the empty space for a few moments, then
started the walk back to my hotel alone. I knew where it
was . . . what I didn't know was where Djinger was.

Chapter Fifteen:

"Easy credit terms available ..."

—SATAN

"I HEAR YOU got jumped last night."

I paused in mid-move of easing myself into the cab's
back seat to give the cabbie a long stare.

"... And good morning to you, too, Edvick," I said
drily. "Yes, thank you, I slept very well."

My sarcasm was not lost on the driver ... a fact for
which I was secretly grateful. Sometimes I have cause to
wonder about my powers of communication.

"Hey! Nothing personal. It's just that people talk, ya
know?''

"No, I don't . . . but I'm learning."

It seemed that however large and populated Perv appeared
to be, there was a thriving network of gossip lurking just
out of sight.

I had come down early, hoping to have a chance to talk
with J.R., but between my room and the front door I had
been stopped by two bellhops and the desk clerk, all of
whom knew that I had been in a fight the night before. Of

Robert Asprin

142

course, they each expressed their sympathies ... in varying
degrees. As I recall, the desk clerk's sympathy went some-
thing like "You're, welcome to use the hotel safe for your
valuables, sir ... but we can't accept responsibility for any

losses."

Terrific!!

I had rapidly discovered that I wasn't wild about the idea
of my escapade being discussed by the general populace.
Especially not since it ended with a session with the police.

Even though he had noted my displeasure at discussing
the prior night's incident, Edvick seemed determined not to
let the subject die as we started on our way.

"I told you you should have gotten a bodyguard," he
lectured. "Carrying that kind of cash around is just askin'

for trouble."

"Funny, the police said the same thing . . . about the

cash, I mean."

"Well they're right... for a change. Things are danger-
ous enough around here without drawing unnecessary atten-
tion to yourself."

I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes. I hadn't
slept well, but the brief time I had spent in a horizontal
position had allowed my muscles to tighten, and I ached all

over.

"So, I discovered," I said. "Oh well, it's over now.
Besides, I didn't do such a bad job of taking care of myself."

"The way I heard it, someone showed up to help bail
you out," Edvick pointed out bluntly, "and even then it
was touch and go. Don't kid yourself about it being over,
though. You'd just better hope your luck holds the next

time."

Suddenly, my aching muscles were no longer the main

claim to my attention.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   143

"Next time?" I said, sitting up straight. "What next
time?"

"I don't want to sound pessimistic," the cabbie shrugged,
"but I figure it's a given. Those guys you messed up are
going to be back on the street today, and will probably
devote a certain amount of their time and energy trying to
find you for a rematch."

"You think so?"

"Then again, even if I'm wrong, the word is out that
you're carrying a good sized wad around with you. That's
going to make you fair game for every cheap hoodlum
looking to pick up some quick cash."

I hadn't stopped to consider, it, but what Edvick was
saying made sense. All I needed to make my mission more
difficult was to have to be watching my back constantly at
the same time!

"I'm sorry, what was that again?" I said, trying to con-
centrate on what the driver was saying.

"Huh? Oh, I was just sayin' again that what you should
really do is hire a bodyguard . . . same as I've been sayin'
right along."

He had been saying that all along, and Kalvin had agreed
with him. I had poo-pooed the idea originally, but now I
was forced to reexamine my stance on the matter.

"Nnnnno," I said, finally, talking to myself. "I can't
doit."

"Why not?" Edvick chimed in, adding his two cents to
the argument drawing to a close in my mind.

"Well, the most overpowering reason is that I can't afford
one."

The cabbie snorted.

"You've got to be kidding me. With the money you've
got?"

144 Robert Asprin

"It may seem like a lot, but nearly all of it is already
committed to you and the hotel."

The cab swerved dangerously as Edvick turned in his seat
to stare at me.

"You mean that's all the money you have? You're carry-
ing your whole bankroll?"

As upset as I was, that thought made me laugh.

"Not hardly," I said. "The trouble is that most of my
money is back on Deva. I only brought some of it along
for pocket expenses. Unfortunately I badly underestimated
what the prices would be like here, so I have to keep an
eye on my expenses."

"Oh, that's no problem," the cabbie retorted, turning
his attention to the road again. "Just open a line of credit
here."

"Do what?"

' 'Talk to a bank and borrow what you need against your
assets. That's how I came up with the money for this cab
. .-. not to mention my other ventures. Sheese! If everybody
tried to operate on a cash basis, it would ruin the dimension's
economy!"

"I don't know," I hesitated. "Nobody on this dimension
really knows me. Do you really think a bank would be
willing to trust me with a loan?"

"There's only one way to find out," Edvick shrugged.
"Tell you what . . . there's a branch of my bank not far
from here. Why don't you pop in and talk to them. You
might be surprised."

The bank itself was not particularly imposing; a medium-
sized storefront with a row of teller windows and a few
scattered desks. Some doors in the back wall presumably
led to offices and the vault, but they were painted assorted
bright colors and in themselves did not appear particularly
ominous. Still, I realized I felt no small degree ofnervous-

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   145

ness as I surveyed the interior. There were small clues here
and there which bespoke a seriousness which belied the
studied casualness of the decor. Little things, like the
machines mounted high in the comers which constantly
swept the room as if monitoring the movements of both
tellers and customers. The tellers themselves were secure
behind high panes of innocent-looking glass, doing business
through an ingenious slot and drawer arrangement at each
station. An observant person such as myself, however, could
not help but notice that if the degree of distortion were any
indication, the glass was much thicker than it might first
appear. There were also armed guards scattered around the
room draped with an array of weapons which did not look
at all ceremonial or decorative. There was a great deal of
money here, and an equally great effort was being made to
be sure no one decided to simply help themselves to the
surplus.

I had a hunch the kind of business I had in mind would
not be handled over the counter by a teller, and, sure enough
when I inquired, 1 was ushered immediately through one of
• the brightly painted doors into a private office.

The individual facing me across the desk rose and ex-
tended a hand in greeting as I entered. He was impeccably
dressed in a business suit of what could only be called, a
conservative cut. . . particularly for a Pervect, and he oozed
a sincere warmth that bordered on oily. Green scales and
yellow eyes notwithstanding, he reminded me ofGrimble,
the Chancellor of the Exchequer I had feuded with back at
Possiltum. I wondered briefly if this was common with
professional money guardians, everywhere . . . maybe it
was something in a ledger paper. If so, it boded ill for my
dealing today . . . Grimble and I never really got along.

"Come in, come in," the individual purred. "Please,
have a seat Mister . . . ?"

146 Robert Asprin

"Skeeve," I said, sinking into the indicated chair. "And
it's just 'Skeeve,' not Mr. Skeeve."

I had never been wild about the formality of "Mister"
title, and after having it hissed at me by the police the night
before, I was developing a positive aversion to it.

"Of course, of course," he nodded, reseating himself.
"My name is Malcolm."

Perhaps it was his similarity to Grimble, but I was finding
his habit of repeating himself to be a growing annoyance.
I reminded myself that I was trying to court his favor and
made an effort to shake the feeling off.

"... And how can we be of service to you today?"

"Well, Malcolm, I'm a businessman visiting here on
Perv," I said, aware as I spoke that I was unconciously
falling into a formal speech pattern. "My expenses have
been running a bit higher than I anticipated, and frankly my
ready cash supply is lower than I find comfortable. Someone
suggested that I might open a line of credit with your bank,
so I stopped in to see if there was any possibility we might
work something out."

"I see."

He ran his eyes over me, and much of the warmth went
out of the room. I was suddenly acutely aware of how I
was dressed.

After overdressing for my interview with the Butterfly,
I had decided to stick with my normal, comfortable, informal
appearance. I had anticipated that bankers would be more
conservative than financiers, and that a bank would probably
be equipped to detect disguise spells, so it would be wisest
if I was as open and honest as possible. Courtesy of a crash
course by Bunny, my administrative assistant, on how to
dress, my wardrobe was nothing to be embarrassed about,
but I probably didn't look like most of the businessmen
Malcolm was used to dealing with. His visual assessment

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   147

of me reminded me of the once-over I would get when
encountering a policeman . . . only more so. I had a feeling
the banker could tell me how much money I had in my
pockets down to the loose change.

"What line of work did you say you were in. Mister
Skeeve?"

I noted that the "Mister" had reappeared, but wasn't up
to arguing over it.

"I'm a magician . . . Well, actually I'm the president of
an association of magicians ... a corporation."

I managed to stop there before I started babbling. I've
noticed a tendency in myself to run on when I'm nervous.

"... And the name of your corporation?"

"Urn . . . M.Y.T.H. Inc."

He jotted the information down on a small notepad.

"Your home offices are on Klah?"

"No. We operate out of Deva ... At the Bazaar."

He glanced up at me with his eyebrows raised, then caught
himself and regained his composure.

"Would you happen to know what bank you deal with
on Deva?"

"Bank? I mean, not really. Aahz and Bunny . . . our
financial section usually handles that end of the business."

Any hope I had of a credit line went out the window. I
didn't know for sure we did any banking. Aahz was a stickler
for keeping our funds readily available. I couldn't imagine
a bank wanting to deal with someone who didn't trust banks,
or to take my word for what our cash holdings were . . .
even if I knew what they were.

The banker was studying his notes.

"Of course you understand, we'll have to run a check
on this."

I started to rise. At this point all I wanted was out of his
office.

Robert Asprin

148

"Certainly," I said, trying to maintain a modicum of
poise. "How long will that take, just so I'll know when to
contact you again?''

Malcolm waved a casual hand at me as he turned to a
keyboard at the side of his desk.

"Oh, it won't take any time at all. I'll just use the com-
puter to take a quick peek. I should have an answer in a
couple of seconds."

I couldn't make up my mind whether to be astonished or
concerned. Astonished won out.

"... But my office is on Deva," I said, repeating
myself unnecessarily.

"Quite right," the banker responded absently as he ham-
mered busily on the keys. "Fortunately, computers and cats
can see and work right through dimensional barriers. The
trick is to get them to do it when you want them to instead
of when they feel like it."

Of the assorted thoughts which whirled in my mind at
this news, only one stood out.

"Do the police have computers?"

"Not of this quality or capacity." He favored me with a
smug, tight-lipped smile. "Civil services don't have access
to the same financial resources that banks do ... Ah! Here
we go."

He leaned forward and squinted at the computer's screen,
which I couldn't see from where I sat. I wondered if it was
coincidence that the view was blocked from the visitor's
chair, then decided it was a silly question.

"Impressive. Very impressive indeed." He shot a glance
at me. "Might I ask who handles your portfolio?"

"My portfolio? I'm not an artist. I'm a magician . . .
like I told you."

"An artist. That's a good one, Skeeve . . . you don't
mind if I call you Skeeve, do you?" The banker laughed as

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   149

if we shared a mutual joke. "I meant your portfolio of
stocks and investments."

His original warmth had returned . . . and then some.
Whatever he had seen on the screen had definitely improved
his opinion of me.

"Oh. That would be Bunny. She's my administrative
assistant."

"I hope you pay her well. Otherwise some other outfit
might be tempted to swoop down and hire her away from
you."

From his tone, I could make a pretty good guess as to
which outfit might be interested in doing just that.

"Among other things, she holds stock in our operation."
I said pointedly.

"Of course, of course. Just a thought. Well Mis . . .
Skeeve, I'm sure we can provide you with adequate financial
support during your stay on Perv. What's more I hope you'll
keep us in mind should you ever want to open an office
here and need to open a local account."

Pervects have an exceptional number of teeth, and Mal-
colm seemed determined to show all of his to me without
missing a syllable. I was starting to get impressed myself.
I had known our operation was doing well, but had never
stopped to assess exactly how well. If the banker's reaction
was an accurate gauge, however, we must have been doing
very well indeed!

"If you'll give me just a moment here, Skeeve," he said,
lunging out of his seat and heading for the door, "I'll get
the staff started while we fill out the necessary paperwork.
We should be able to have some imprinted checks and one
of our special, solid gold credit cards ready for you before
you leave."

"Hold it, Malcolm!"

Things were suddenly starting to move uncomfortably

150 Robert Asprin

fast, and I wanted a bit of clarification before they went
much further.

The banker stopped as if he had hit the end of an invisible
leash.

"Yes?"

"As you can probably tell, I'm not as at home with
financial terms as I should be. Would you mind defining
' adequate financial support' to me ... in layman' s terms?''

The smile vanished as he licked his lips nervously.

"Well," he said, "we should be able to cover your day-to-
day needs, but if you were to require substantial backing
. . .say, over seven figures, we'd probably appreciate a

day's warning."

Seven figures! He was saying the bank was ready to
supply me with up to ten million . . . more if I gave them
warning. I resolved that when I got back to the office, I
was going to have to have Bunny go over our exact financial
condition with me!

Chapter Sixteen:

"You can judge the success of a man by his
bodyguards!"

—PRINCE

EDVIK WAS VISIBLY impressed by my success with the
bank. That was all right. I was impressed, too.

"Gee! A solid gold card! I've heard about those, but I've
never really seen one before," he exclaimed as I proudly
displayed my prize. "Not bad for a guy who didn't think
the bankers would want to even talk to him."

"It's my first time to deal with a bank," I said loftily.
"To be honest with you, I didn't even know about credit
cards until Malcolm explained them to me."

A cloud passed over the cabbie's face.

"You've never had a credit card before? Well, watch
your step is all I can say. They can be a dangerous habit,
and if you get behind, bankers can be worse than Deveels
to deal with."

"Worse than Deveels?"

I didn't like the sound of that. Deveels were a devil I
knew ... if you'll pardon the pun. Now I was starting to
wonder if I should have asked a few more questions before

151

Robert Asprin

152

accepting the bank's services.

"Don't worry about it," Edvick said, giving my back a
hearty slap. "With your money, you can't go wrong. Now
then, let's see about finding you a bodyguard."

"Urn ... excuse me, but something just occurred to me."

"What's that?"

"Well, now that I have checks and a credit card, I don't
have to carry a lot of cash around."

"Yeah. So?"

"So if I'm not carrying a lot of cash, what do Ineed a
bodyguard for?" The cabbie rubbed his chin thoughtfully
before answering.

"First of all, just because you and I and the bank know
you aren't carrying a big wad anymore doesn't mean the
muggers know it."

"Good point. I ..."

"Then again, there's the gang that might still be after
you for roughing them up last night ..."

"Okay. Why don't we ..."

"... And there's still an ax murderer loose somewhere
around your hotel ..."

"Enough! I get the picture! Let'sgofindabodyguard."

It occurred to me that if I listened to Edvick long enough,
I'd either want more than one bodyguard or decide not to
set foot outside my room at all.

"Good," my guide declared, rubbing his hands together
as the cab commenced its now familiar swerving. "I think
I know just the person."

Settling back in my seat, it occurred to me that Edvick
would probably get a kickback from this bodyguard he was
lining me up with. That would explain his enthusiasm to
get us together. I banished the thought as a needless suspi-
cion.

The alert reader may have noticed that with the exception

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   153

of a vague reference to the fat lady in the department store,
I have said absolutely nothing about female Pervects.
There's a reason for that. Frankly, they intimidate me.

Now don't get me wrong, male Pervects are quite fear-
some, as can be ascertained by my accounts of my friend
and partner, Aahz. On the whole, they are big and muscular
and would just as soon break you in two as look at you.
Still, they possess a certain rough and tumble sense of
humor, and are not above blustering a bit. All in all, they
remind me of a certain type of lizard: the kind that puffs
itself up and hisses when it!s threatened ... it can give a
nasty bite, but it would probably prefer you to back down.

Female Pervects seem to be cut from a whole different
bolt of cloth. Their eyes are narrower and set further back
on the head, making them look more . . . well, reptilian.
They never smile or laugh, and they don't ever bluff. In
short, they look and act more dangerous than their male
counterparts.

Some of you may wonder why I am choosing this point
of the narrative to expound on the subject of female Pervects.
The rest of you have already figured it out. For the former,
let it suffice to say that the bodyguard Edvick introduced
me to was a female.

We found her in a bar, a lounge, actually, which the
cabbie informed me she used as an office between jobs.
She didn't move or blink as we approached her table, which
I came to realize meant she had been watching us from the
moment we walked through the door. Edvick slid into a
vacant chair at her table without invitation and motioned
me into another.

"This is Skeeve ... the Klahd I was telling you about,"
he announced, then fumed to me. "Skeeve, this here's the
bodyguard I'd recommend for you. There may be some
better at doing what she does, but if so, I don't know 'em.

154 Robert Asprin

For protection against physical or magikal attacks, she's top
of the line."

With that, he leaned back in his chair, letting us size each
other up like two predators meeting over a fresh kill.

Female Pervects seem to come in two body types. I'll
tell you about the other type later, but the kind the bodyguard
was was the lean, wiry variety. Even sitting down I could
tell she was tall, taller than me, anyway. Where Pervish
males, as typified by Aahz, were generally built like walls,    |
she was as slender and supple as a whip ... a rapier to
their ax. I've mentioned that the men reminded me of lizards,    |
well, she made me think of a poisonous snake . . . graceful
and beautiful without being attractive. She was wearing a
dark waist-length cape that was almost a poncho except it
was open in front, revealing a form-fitting jumpsuit under-
neath. Even a violence know-nothing like me could tell the
cape would be perfect for producing and vanishing weapons
with unsettling ease. Overall, she impressed me as being
the most deadly woman I had ever met . . . realizing I
haven't met that many green, bald, scaly women.

'' I hear you drink,'' she said bluntly, breaking the silence.

"Not well... and, after last night, not often," Ireturned.

That earned me a curt nod.

"Good. A girl's got to watch her reputation."

It never even occurred to me that she might be referring
to her way with me. She was stating quite simply that if
anything happened to me while she was on guard, her pro-
fessional status would suffer. What's more, she didn't want
to risk that reputation on a fool. As one inclined to talk too
much, I was impressed with how much she could communi-
cate with so few words.

"Ever work with a bodyguard before?"

"Yes. I have two back on Deva. They were . . . busy
elsewhere, so I came to Perv alone."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   155

There was a flicker in her eye and a slight tightening of
her lips, which was as close as she came to expressing her
opinion of bodyguards who let their principal come to Perv
unescorted, then she continued with the subject at hand.

"Good. That means you already know the basic drill.
The way I work, I go where you go and sleep where you
sleep. I go through any door ahead of you unless I'm cov-
ering your exit, and I taste everything before you put it in
your mouth. Clear?"

"I don't think you have to worry about poison on this
one," Edvick said, "just muggers and ..."

She cut him off with a glance.

"If he pays for the full treatment, he gets the full treat-
ment. Clear, Skeeve?"

"On covering my exit . . . how do we handle it if we
don't know what's on the other side of the door?"

I was thinking of how I got mousetrapped sneaking out
of the last bar I was in.

"I cover you as far as the door, then you stand beside
me while I check the exit. If there's trouble, I'll tell you
which way to move . . . in or out."

"Clear."

"Any other questions?"

"Just if you'll be available for anywhere from a few days
to a week, "I said. "If so, I'd like to retain your services."

"Don't you want to know what I charge?"

I shrugged. "Why? I'm impressed. I'm ready to pay
whatever it costs." I paused, then smiled. "Besides, you
don't strike me as the type to either up the cost for a well-
heeled client or to haggle over prices."

That earned me a brief, flat stare.

"I'll take the job," she said finally. "And you're right. I
don't haggle or pad the bill. Those are two of my more
endearing traits."

Robert Asprin

156

I wasn't sure if that last was intended as a joke or not,
but decided it was as close as she was apt to get, and
chuckled appreciatively.

"One more thing . . . what's your name?"

"Pookanthimbusille."

"Excuse me?" I blinked.

She gave a small shrug.

"Just call me Pookie. It's easier."

"Pookie?"

At first it struck me as a ridiculously silly name for her.
Then I ran my eyes over her again, and allowed as how she
could be called anything she wanted to be called. If anyone
laughed, it wouldn't be me.

"Pookie it is then . . . just checking to be sure I had the
pronunciation right. Shall we go?"

I had Edvick drive us back to the hotel. While I hadn't
gotten a lot accomplished today toward finding Aahz, what
I had done had left me feeling a little drained. Besides,
there was another little matter I wanted to take care of.

For a change, luck seemed to be with me. As the cab
pulled up in front of the hotel I could see J.R. at his usual
place by the entrance. I figured that was fortunate since I
wouldn't have known where to find him otherwise. I caught
his eye through the window and waved him over. Unfortu-
nately, Pookie didn't see me wave. All she saw was a street
vendor moving to intercept us as we emerged from the cab.

"Pookie! NO!"

I was barely in time.

My bodyguard had a sinister looking weapon out and was
drawing a bead on J.R. almost before I could say anything.
At the sound of my warning, however, all movement froze
and she shot me a vaguely quizzical look.

"It's all right," I said hastily. "He's a friend of mine.
He' s coming over because I waved at him as we pulled up."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   157

The weapon vanished as she gave the street vendor a
hard, appraising look.

"Interesting friends you have."

"He was the one who saved my bacon-in last night's
encounter with the local wildlife. Hang on a few ... I've
got a little business to transact with him."

Pookie nodded and began scanning the immediate area
with a watchful eye as I turned to J.R.

"Interesting friends you've got," he said, staring at my
bodyguard.

"Funny, she was just saying the same thing about you.
She's my new bodyguard. After last night, it seemed like
a good idea. Incidentally, sorry about that welcome. I forgot
to warn her you were coming over."

"No problem. What's up?"

"I paid a little visit to the bank today," I explained,
holding up my checkbook. "Now I've got the funding for
that little venture of ours."

"Hey! That's terrific! That's all I need to start making
us some real money."

"Not so fast," I cautioned. "Let's settle the details and
paper this thing first."

. "What for? You've already said you trust me and I sure
trust you."

"It's cleaner this way. Contracts are the best way to be
sure we're both hearing the same thing in this arrangement
... not to mention it documents the split at the beginning
instead of waiting until we're arguing over a pile of profits.''

He was still a bit- reluctant, but I managed to convince
him and we scribbled down the details in duplicate on some
pieces of paper he produced from one of his many pockets.
I say 'we' because I couldn't read or write Pervish, and he
was equally ignorant of Klahdish, so we each had to make
two copies of the agreement in our own language. To say

Robert Asprin

158

the least, I didn't drive a particularly hard bargain . . . 25%
of the profits after expenses. I figured he would be doing
all of the work, so he should get the bulk of the reward.
All I was doing was funding him. I even put in a clause
where he could buy out-my share if things went well. When
it was done, we each signed all the copies and shook hands.

' 'Thanks, Skeeve," the vendor beamed, stuffing one copy
of each translation into a pocket. "Believe me, this is a
sure money maker."

"Any idea yet where your storefront is going to be?"

"No. Remember I said I was going to start out small?
Well, I figure to start by supplying the other street vendors,
then using the profits from that to lease and stock the store-
front. It'll probably be three weeks to a month before I'm
ready for that move."

A month wasn't too bad for start-up time. I admired his
industry and confidence.

"Well, good luck!" I said sincerely. "Be sure to leave
word for me at the bank when you have a permanent address.
I'll be in touch."

He gathered his wares and headed off down the street as
I joined Pookie once more.

"I'd like to apologize for that mix-up," I said. "I should
have let you know he was coming over."

"I figured he was okay," the bodyguard replied, still
watching the street. "He didn't move like a mugger. It just
seemed like a good time for a little demonstration, so I did

my thing."

"You really didn't have to put on a demonstration for
me. I don't have any doubts about your abilities."

Pookie glanced at me.

"Not for you," she corrected. "For them . . . the folks
watching here on the street. It was my way of announcing

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   159

that you're covered now and they should keep their dis-
tance."

That possibility had never occurred to me.

"Oh," I said. "Well, I guess I should stick with my
business and let you handle yours."

"Agreed," she nodded, "though I'll admit the way you
do business puzzles me a bit. Sorry, but I couldn't help but
overhear your dealings there."

' 'What? You mean my insisting on a contract? The reason
I pushed for it there and not for our deal is that it was a
long-term investment as opposed to a straight-forward pur-
chase of services."

"That isn't it."

"What is it then .
little more generous
is ..."

the contract terms? Maybe I was a
than I had to be, but the situation

I broke off as I realized the bodyguard was staring hard
at me.

"What I meant," she said flatly, "was that before I put
money into a business, I'd want to know what it was."

"You heard him. It's a wholesale/dealer operation."

"Yes, but what's he selling?"

I didn't answer that one because I didn't have an answer.
In my eagerness to do J.R. a good turn, I had completely
forgotten to ask what kind of business he was starting!

Chapter Seventeen:

"Bibbity . . . bobbity ..."

—S. STRANGE, M.D.

BRIGHT AND EARLY the next morning, I launched into the
next phase of my search for Aahz. The Butterfly had con-
vinced me it was unlikely I'd find him traveling in financial
circles. That left the magicians.

As Edvick had warned, the sheer volume of Pervects in
the magik business made the task seem almost impossible.
It was my last idea, though, so I had to give it a try and
hope I got lucky. By the time I had visited half a dozen or
so operations, however, I was nearly ready to admit I was
licked.

The real problem facing me was that the market glut had
made the magicians extremely competitive. No one was
willing to talk about any other magicians, or even acknowl-
edge their existence. What I got was high-powered sales
pitches and lectures on "the layman's need for magikal
assistance in his day-to-day life". Once I admitted I was in
the business myself, I either got offered a partnership or
was accused of spying and thrown out of the office. (Well,

161

162 Robert Asprin

a couple of them threatened, but thanks to Pookie's presence
I got to walk out with dignity.) What I didn't get was any
leads or information about Aahz.

Despite my growing despair of succeeding with my quest,
it was interesting to view magikal hype as an outsider.
Kalvin had admonished me for being too insecure and down-
playing my abilities. What I learned that day after sitting
through several rounds of bragging in close succession, was
that the louder someone blew his own horn, the less im-
pressed the listener, in this case, me, was apt to be. I thought
of the quiet confidence exuded by people such as the But-
terfly and Pookie, and decided that, in general, that was a
much wiser way to conduct oneself in business situations .. .
or social ones for that matter. As far as I could tell, the
goal was not to impress people, but rather to be impressive.
In line with that, I resolved to not only discourage the
"Mister Skeeve" title, but to also drop "The Great Skeeve"
hype. I had never really believed it anyway. What I was
was "Skeeve," and people could either be impressed or
not by what I was, not by what I called myself.

If this seems like a sudden bolt from the blue to you, it
isn't. The area of Perv I was covering was large enough
that I was spending considerable time riding back and forth
in Edvick's taxi, and it gave me lots of time to think and
reflect on what I was seeing and hearing. What's more, the
advice given me by the Butterfly and Kalvin, not to mention
the questions I had to ask myself about trying to fetch Aahz,
had given me cause to reexamine my own attitudes and
priorities, so I had plenty to think about.

Dealing with what seemed to be an endless parade of
people who had never heard of me before, much less met
me, gave me a unique chance to observe how people in-
teracted. More and more I found myself reflecting on how
I reacted to them and they reacted to me.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   163

Pervects had a reputation for being nasty and vicious, not
to mention arrogant. There was also ample evidence that
they could be more than slightly rude. Still, I had also
encountered individuals who had been helpful and gentle,
such as the Butterfly, and even those like J.R. who would
risk themselves physically for a near stranger who was in
trouble. Clearly there was danger in stereotyping people,
though it was interesting to observe the behavior patterns
which had developed to deal with a crowded, competitive
environment. Even more interesting was noting those who
seemed immune to the environmental pressure that ruled
the others about them.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to see
pieces of myself reflected in the Pervish behavior. Kalvin
had commented on my actively trying to be strong ... of
being cold and ruthless in an effort to hide my own feared
weaknesses. Was it all that different with the blustering
Pervects who would rather shout than admit they might be
wrong? Were my own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy
making me insensitive and closed to the very people who
could help me?

The thought was enough to inspire me to voice my frust-
rations to Edvick and ask if he had any thoughts as to
alternate methods of searching the magikal community.

"I was just thinking about that, Skeeve," he said over
his shoulder,' "but I didn't figure it was my place to say
anything unless you asked."

"Well, I'm asking. After all, there's no shame in admit-
ting you know this dimension better than I do."

That last was said as much to myself as to Edvick, but
the cabbie accepted it in stride.

"Too true. Well, what I was thinking was that instead
of working to get magicians to talk about potential com-
petitors, maybe you should try checking the schools."

164 Robert Asprin

"The schools?"

"Sure. You know, the places that teach these spell-
slingers their trade. They should have some kind of records
showing who's learned what. What's more, they should be
willing to share them since you're not a competitor."

That made sense, but it seemed almost too easy.

"Even if that's true, do you think they would bother to
keep current addresses on their old students?"

"Are you kidding?'' the cabbie laughed. "How else could
the old Alma Mater be able to solicit donations from their
alumni? This may not be Deva, but do you think a Pervect
would lose track of a revenue source?"

I felt my hope being renewed as he spoke.

"That's a great idea, Edvick! How many magik schools
are there, anyway?"

"Not more than a dozen or so of any note. Nowhere near
the number of businesses. If I were you, I'd start with the
biggest and work your way down."

"Then that's what we'll do. Take me to the top Of the
list and don't spare the lizards... and Edvick? Thanks.''

The grounds of the Magikal Institute of Perv (MIP) oc-
cupied an entire city block. I say grounds because much of
it was well trimmed lawns and bushes, a marked contrast
to the closely packed buildings and alleys that seemed to
compose the majority of Perv. Stately old buildings of brick
or stone were scattered here and there, apparently oblivious
to the bustling metropolis that screeched and honked scant
yards from their tranquility. Looking at them, one could
almost read their stoic thoughts: that if they ignored it long
enough, maybe the rest of the world would go away.

There was an iron fence surrounding the school in token
protection from intrusion, but the gate stood wide open. I
peered out the windows of the cab in curiosity as we drove

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   165

up to what Edvick said was the administration building,
hoping to catch a glimpse of the students practicing their
lessons, but was disappointed. The people I saw were much
more interested in being young—skylarking and flirting with
each other—than in demonstrating their learning to a casual
visitor. I did, however, notice there were more than a few
students from off-dimension in their number. Either the
school was much more tolerant of off-worlders than the rest
of the dimension, or they simply weren't as picky about
who they accepted money from. I never did get a chance
to find out which it really was.

After a few inquiries, I was shown into the office of the
head record keeper. That individual listened carefully to my
story, though he was so still and outwardly calm that I found
myself fighting a temptation to make a face at him in mid-
sentence just to see if he was really p'aying attention. I have
a hunch I would not do well in a formal educational environ-
ment.

"I see," he said, once I had ground to a halt. "Well,
your request seems reasonable. Aahz . . . Aahz ... I don't
recall the name off-hand, but it does ring some sort of a
bell. Oh well, we can check it easily enough. GRETTA!?"

In response to his call, a young female Pervect appeared
in the office door. She glanced quickly at Pookie who was
leaning against the wall behind me, but except for that
ignored my bodyguard as completely as the record keeper
had.

"Yes sir?"

"Gretta, this is Mr. Skeeve. He's trying to locate someone
who might have been a student here. I'd like you to help
him locate the appropriate file in the archives . . . if it
exists. Mr. Skeeve, this is Gretta. She's one of the appren-
tices here who helps us ... is something wrong?"

166 Robert Asprin

I had suddenly drawn back the hand I had been extending
to shake hands with Gretta, and the record keeper had noted
the move.

"Oh, nothing . . . really," I said embarrassed. I quickly
reached out and shook the offered hand. "It's a ... bad
habit I learned from Aahz. I really should break it. You
were saying?"

The record keeper ignored my efforts to cover the social
gaff.

"What bad habit is that?"

"It's silly, but ... Well, Aahz, back when he was my
teacher, wouldn't shake hands with me once I became his
apprentice. When we first met and after we became partners
it was okay, but not while I was his student. I don't shake
hands with apprentices he used to say ... only louder. I
hadn't realized I had picked it up until just now. Sorry,
Gretta. Nothing personal."

"Of course . . . Aahzmandius!"

The record keeper seemed suddenly excited.

"Excuse me?" I said, puzzled.

"Gretta, this won't require a file search after all. Bring
me the file on Aahzmandius ... it will be in the dropout
file ... three or four centuries back if I recall correctly."

Once the apprentice had scampered off, the record keeper
returned his attention to me once more.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Skeeve. I just managed to recall the
individual you're looking for. Refusing to shake hands with
apprentices was the tipoff. It was one of his least objection-
able quirks. Aahzmandius! After all these years I can still
remember him."

After searching so long I was reluctant to believe my luck.

"Are you sure we're talking about the same person?
Aahz?"

"Oh my, yes. That's why the name rang a bell. Aahz

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   167

was the nickname Aahzmandius would use when he was
exercising his dubious love of practical jokes ... or doing
anything else he didn't want reflected on his permanent
record, for that matter. There was a time when that name
would strike terror into the hearts of any under-classman on
campus."

"I take it he wasn't a particularly good student?" I said,
trying to hide my grin.

"Oh, on the contrary, he was one of the brightest students
we've ever had here. That's much of why the faculty and
administration were willing to overlook the . . . um, less
social aspects of his character. He was at the head of his
class while he was here, and everyone assumed a bright
future for him. I'm not sure he was aware of it, but long
before he was slated to graduate, there was a raging debate
going on about him among the faculty. One side felt that
every effort should be made to secure him a position with
the institute as an instructor after he graduated. The other
felt that with his arrogant distaste for inferiors, placing him
in constant contact with students would . . . well, let's just
say they felt his temperament would be better suited to
private practice, and the school could benefit best by simply
accepting his financial contributions as an alumni . . . pre-
ferably mailed from far away."

I was enthralled by this new insight into Aahz's back-
ground. However, I could not help but note there was some-
thing that didn't seem to fit with the record keeper's oration.

"Excuse me," I said, "but didn't I hear you tell Gretta
to look in the dropout file for Aahz's records? If he was
doing so well, why didn't he graduate?"

The Pervect heaved a great sigh, a look of genuine pain
on his face.

"His family lost their money in a series of bad invest-
ments. With his financial support cut off, he dropped out

168 Robert Asprin

of school . . . left quietly in the middle of a semester even
though his tuition had been paid in full for the entire term.
We offered him a scholarship so that he could complete his
education . . . there was even a special meeting held specifi-
cally to get the necessary approvals so he wouldn't be kept
dangling until the scholarship board would normally con-
vene. He wouldn't accept it, though. It's a shame, really.
He had such potential."

"That doesn't sound like the Aahz I know," I frowned.
"I've never known him to refuse money. Usually, he
wouldn't even wait for it to be offered ... not nailing it
down would be considered enough of an invitation for him
to help himself. Did he give any reason for not accepting
the scholarship?"

"No, but it was easy enough to understand at the time.
His family had been quite well off, you see, and he had
lorded his wealth over the less fortunate as much or more
than he had harassed them with his superior abilities. I think
he left school because he couldn't bear to face his old cronies,
much less his old victims, in his new cash poor condition.
Basically, he was too proud to be a scholarship student after
having established himself as a campus aristocrat. Aahzman-
dius may not refuse money, but I think you'll find he has
an aversion to charity ... or anything that might be construed
as such."

It all made sense. The portrait he was painting of Aahz,
or as he was known here, Aahzmandius, seemed to confirm
the Butterfly's analysis of my old mentor's financial habits.
If he had suffered from embarrassment and seen his plans
for the future ruined because of careless money management,
it stood to reason that he would respond by becoming ultra-
conservative if not flat out miserly when it came to ac-
cumulating and protecting our cache of hard cash.

"Ah! Here we are."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   169

I was pulled out of my musings by the record keeper's
exclamation at Gretta's return. I felt my anticipation rise as
he took the offered folder and began perusing its contents.
For the first time since arriving on Perv, I was going to
have a solid lead on how to find Aahz. Then I noticed he
was frowning.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Skeeve," the record keeper said, glanc-
ing up from the folder. "It seems we don't have a current
address for your associate. The note here says Traveling.'
I guess that, realizing his financial situation, we haven't
been as diligent about keeping track of him as we've been
with our other alumni."

I fought against a wave of disappointment, unwilling to
believe that after everything I had been through, this was
going to turn out to be another dead end.

"Didn't he have a school or business or something? I
met one of his apprentices once."

The Pervect shook his head.

"No. That we would have known about. He may have
been willing to instruct a few close friends or relatives . . .
that's not uncommon for someone who's studied here. But
I think I can say for sure that he hasn't been doing any
formal teaching here or on any other dimension. We would
have heard, if for no other reason than his students would
have contacted us to confirm his credentials."

Now that he mentioned it, I did recall that Rupert, the
apprentice I had met, had specifically been introduced as
Aahz's nephew. Overcome with a feeling of hopelessness,
I almost missed what the record keeper said next.

"Speaking of relatives. We do have an address for his
next of kin ... in this case, his mother. Perhaps if you
spoke to her, you might find out his current whereabouts.''

Chapter Eighteen:

" 'M' is for the many things she taught me..."

—OEDIPUS

THE SEARCH FOR the address the record keeper had given
me led us onto some of the dimension's side streets which
made up the residential areas. Though at first Perv seems
to be composed entirely of businesses, there is also a thriving
neighborhood community just a few steps off the main busi-
ness and transportation drags.

I'll admit to not being thrilled by the neighborhood Aahz's
mother lived in once we found it. Not that it looked particu-
larly rough or dirty ... at least no dirtier than the rest of
the dimension. It's just that it was . . . well, shabby. The
buildings and streets were so run-down that I found it de-
pressing to think anyone, much less the mother of a friend
of mine, would live there.

"I'll wait for you here on the street," Pookie announced
as I emerged from the taxi.

I looked at her, surprised.

"Aren't you coming in?"

"I figure it's more important to guard your escape route,"

171

Robert Asprin

172

she said. "I don't think there's any danger inside, unless
the place falls down when you knock on the door ... and
I couldn't help there anyway. Why? Are you expecting more
trouble than you can handle from one old lady?"

Since I didn't have a snappy retort for that, I proceeded
up the porch steps to the door. There was a list of names
with a row of buttons beside them. I found the name of
Aahz's mother with no difficulty, and pressed the button
next to it.

A few moments later, a voice suddenly rasped from the
wall next to my elbow.

"Who is it?"

It only took a few seconds for me to figure out that it
"was some kind of speaker system.

"It's .. . I'ma friend of your son, Aahz... Aahzmandius,
that is. I was wondering if I might talk to you for a few
moments?"

There was a long pause before the reply came back.

"I suppose if you're already here I might as well talk to
you. Come right up."

There was a sudden raucous buzzing at the door. I waited
patiently, and in a few moments it stopped. I continued
waiting.

"Are you still down there?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Why?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why didn't you open the door and come in when I
buzzed you through?"

"Oh, is that what that was? I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Could you . . . buzz me through again?"

"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a remote lock
before?"

I suppose it was meant as a rhetorical question, but my

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    173

annoyance at being embarrassed prompted me to answer.

"As a matter of fact, I haven't. I'm just visiting this
dimension. We don't have anything like it back on Klah.''

There was a long silence, long enough for me to wonder
if it had been a mistake to admit I was from off-dimension.
The buzzer went off, somehow catching me unaware again
even though I had been expecting it.

This time, I managed to get the door open before the
buzzing stopped, and stepped through into the vestibule.
The lighting was dim, and got downright dark after I let the
door shut. I started to open it again to get my bearings, but
pulled my hand back at the last minute. It might set off an
alarm somewhere, and if there was one thing I didn't need
right now it was more trouble.

Slowly my eyes adjusted to the shadowy dimness, and I
could make out a narrow hall with an even narrower flight
of stairs which vanished into the gloom above. "Come right
up" she had said, so I took her literally and started up the
stairs . . . hoping all the while I was right.

After ascending several flights, this hope was becoming
fervent. There was no sign of habitation on any of the halls
I passed, and the way the stairs creaked and groaned under
me, I wasn't at all sure I wasn't heading into a condemned
area of the building.

Just when I was about to yield to my fears and retreat to
the ground floor, the stairs ended. The apartment I was
looking for was right across the hall from where I stood,
so I had little choice but to proceed. Raising my hand, I
knocked gently, afraid that anything more violent might
trigger a catastrophic chain reaction.

"Come in! It's open!"

Summoning my courage, I let myself in.

The place was both tiny and jammed with clutter. I had
the impression one could reach out one's arms and touch

174 Robert Asprin

the opposing walls simultaneously. In fact, I had to fight
against the impulse to do exactly that, as the walls and their
contents appeared to be on the brink of caving in. I think
it was then I discovered that I was mildly claustrophobic.

"So you're a friend of that no-account Aahzmandius. I
knew he'd come to no good, but I never dreamed he'd sink
so low as to hang around with a Klahd."

This last was uttered by what had to be Aahz's mother. . .
it had to be because she was the only person in the room
besides myself! My eye had passed over her at first, she
was so much a part of the apartment, but once she drew
my attention, she seemed to dominate the entire environ . . .
if not the whole dimension.

Remember when I said that Pookie was one of two types
of females I had noted on Perv? Well, Aahz's mother was
the other type. While Pookie was sleek and muscular in an
almost serpentine way, the figure before me resembled noth-
ing so much as a huge toad ... a green, scaly, reptilian
toad. (I have since had it pointed out to me that toads are
amphibians and not reptiles, but at the time that's what she
made me think of.)

She was dressed in a baggy housecoat which made her
seem even more bloated than she really was. The low,
stuffed chair she was sitting in was almost obscured from
view by her bulk, which seemed to swell over the sides of
the chair and flow onto the mottled carpet. There was a
tangle of white string on her lap which she jabbed at viciously
with a small, barbed stick she was holding. At first, it gave
the illusion she was torturing string, but then I noticed there
were similar masses draped over nearly every available flat
surface in the apartment, and concluded that she was in-
volved in some kind of craft project, the nature of which
was beyond my knowledge or appreciation.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. ..."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    175

"Call me Duchess," she snapped. "Everyone does.
Don't know why, though . . . haven't had royalty on this
dimension for generations. Beheaded them all and divvied
up their property . . . those were the days!"

She smacked her lips at the memory, though of royalty
or beheadings I wasn't sure, and pointed vaguely at the far
wall. I looked, half expecting to see a head mounted on a
plaque, then realized she was pointing at a faded picture
hanging there. I also realized I couldn't make it out through
the dust and grime on its surface.

"It's the maid's day off," the Duchess said sharply,
noting my expression. " Can' t get decent work out of domes-
tics since they outlawed flogging!"

I have seldom heard such an obvious lie ... about the
maid, I mean, not the flogging. The cobwebs, dust, and
litter which were prevalent everywhere could not have ac-
cumulated in a day ... or in a year for that matter. The
shelves and cases throughout the room were jammed with
the tackiest collection of bric-a-brac and dustcatchers it had
ever been my misfortune to behold, and every dustcatcher
had caught its capacity and more. I had no idea why the
Duchess felt it necessary to imply she had servants when
she obviously had little regard for me, but there was no
point in letting her know I didn't believe her.

"Yes. Well . . . Duchess, I've been trying to locate your
son, Aahz . . . mandius, and was hoping you might have
some information as to his whereabouts."

"Aahzmandius? That wastrel?" Her narrow yellow eyes
seemed to glow angrily. "If I had any idea where he was,
do you think I'd be sitting here?"

"Wastrel?"

I was starting to wonder if we were talking about the
same Aahz.

"What would you call it?" she snapped. "He hasn't sent

176 Robert Asprin

me a cent since he left school. That means he's spending
so much on himself there's nothing left to share with the
family that nurtured him and raised him and made him what
he is today. How does he expect me to maintain the lifestyle
expected of our family, much less keep up my investing,
if he doesn't send me any money?"

"Investing?" I said, the light starting to dawn.

"Of course. I've been doing all the investing for our
family since my husband passed on. I was just starting to
get the hang of it when Aahzmandius quit school and disap-
peared without a cent ... I mean a trace. I'm sure that if
I just had a few million more to work with I'd get it right
this time."

"I see."

"Say, you wouldn't by any chance have access to some
venture capital, would you? I could invest it for you and
we could split the profits . . . except it's best to put your
money to work by reinvesting it as soon as you get it."

t was suddenly very aware of the weight of the checkbook
in my pocket. The conversation was taking a decidedly
uncomfortable turn.

"Um . . . actually I'm a little short right now," I hedged.
"In fact, I was looking for . . . Aahzmandius because he
owes me money."

"Well, don't you have any friends you could borrow a
million or two from?"

"Not really. They're all as poor as I am. In fact, I've
got to go now. Duchess. I've got a cab waiting downstairs
and every minute I'm here is costing more than you'd im-
agine."

I suppose I should have been despairing as Edvick drove
Pookie and me back to the hotel. My last hope for finding
Aahz was gone. Now that tracking him down through the
magicians had proved to be futile, I had no idea how to

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    177

locate him other than knocking on every door in the dimen-
sion . . . and I just didn't have the energy to attempt that
even if I had the time. The mission was a bust, and there
was nothing to do but pay off Edvick and Pookie, check
out of the hotel, and figure out how to signal Massha to
pick me up and take me to Klah. I hoped that simply remov-
ing the ring she had given me would bring her running, but
1 wasn't sure. Maybe I would be more effective at stopping
Queen Hemlock than I had been in finding Aahz. I should
have been despairing as I wrote out the checks for my driver
and bodyguard in preparation for our parting, but I wasn't.
Instead, I found myself thinking about the Duchess.

My first reaction to her was that she was a crazy old lady
trying to live in the past by maintaining an illusion of wealth
that nobody believed except her. Ideally, someone who cared
should give her a stem talking to and try to bring her back
into contact with reality so she could start adjusting to what
was instead of what had been or should be. I guess, on
reflection, I found her situation to be more sad than irritating
or contemptible.

Then, somehow, my thoughts began wandering from her
case to my own. Was I as guilty as she was of trying to run
my life on was and should be instead of accepting and
dealing with reality? I had been an untraveled, untrained
youth, and that self-image still haunted me in everything I
said and did. I felt I should be a flawless businessman and
manager, and treated both myself and others rather harshly
pursuing that goal. What was my realityl

Even before coming to Perv, many of my associates,
including Aahz, had tried to convince me I was something
more than I felt I was. Time and time again, I had discounted
their words, assuming they were either trying to be nice to
'the Kid', or, in some cases, trying to badger me into grow-
ing up faster than I was ready to.

178 Robert Asprin

Well, maybe it was time I decided I was ready to grow
up, mentally at least. The physical part would take care of
itself. One by one, I started knocking down the excuses that
had been my protective wall for so long.

Okay, I was young and inexperienced. So what? "Inex-
perienced" wasn't the same as "stupid." There was no
reason to expect myself to be adept or even familiar with
situations and concepts I had never encountered before. It
was crucial not to dwell on my shortcomings. What was
important was that I was learning, and learning fast . . .
Fast enough that even my critics and enemies showed a
certain degree of grudging admiration for what I was. They,
like the Pervects I had encountered on this mission, didn't
care what I didn't know last year or what I still had to learn,
they reacted to what I was now. Shouldn't I be doing the
same thing?

Speaking of 'learning, I had always been self-conscious
about what I didn't know, yet I planned to keep on learning
my whole life. I always figured that if I ever stopped learn-
ing, it would either mean that I had closed my mind, or
that I was dead. Putting those two thoughts together, it
occurred to me that in being ashamed of what I didn't know,
I was effectively apologizing for being alive! Of course
there were things I didn't know! So what? That didn't make
me an outsider or a freak, it gave me something in common
with everyone else who was alive. Instead of wasting my
energy bemoaning what I didn't know, I should be using
what I did know to expand my own horizons.

The phrase "Today is the first day of the rest of your
life" was almost a cliche across the dimensions. It occurred
to me that a better phrasing would be "Your whole life to
date has been training for right now!" The question wasn't
what I had or didn't have so much as what I was going to
do with it!

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   179

I was still examining this concept when we pulled up to
the curb in front of the hotel.

"Here we are, Skeeve," Edvick said, swiveling around
in his seat. "Are you sure you aren't going to need me
anymore?"

"There's no point," I sighed, passing him his check.
"I've run out of ideas and time. I'd like to thank you for
your help, though. You've been much more than a driver
and guide to me during my stay here. I've added a little
extra onto the check as a bit more tangible expression of
my gratitude."

Actually I had added a lot more onto it. The cabbie glanced
at the figure and beamed happily.

"Hey, thanks, Skeeve. I'm sorry you couldn't find your
friend."

"That's the way it goes sometimes," I shrugged. "Take
care of yourself, Edvick. If you ever make it to Deva, look
me up and I'll show you around my dimension for a change.''

"I just might take you up on that," the cabbie waved as
I let myself out onto the street.

Pookie had popped out of the taxi as soon as we stopped,
so it seemed I was going to have to settle accounts with her
out in the open.

"Pookie, I ..."

"Heads up, Skeeve," she murmured, not looking at me.
"I think we've got problems."

I followed her gaze with my eyes. Two uniformed police-
men were bracketing the door to my hotel. At the sight of
me, they started forward with expressions of grim determi-
nation on their faces.

Chapter Nineteen:

''I am not a crook!"

—ANY CROOK

"ZAT EES HEEM! Ze third from ze right!"

Even with the floodlights full in my face, I had no diffi-
culty recognizing the voice which floated up to me from
the unseen area in the room beyond the lights. It was the
waiter I had clashed with the first night I was on Perv. The
one who claimed I had tried to avoid paying for my meal
by fainting.

I wasn't surprised by his ability to identify me in the
lineup. First of all, I had no reason to suspect his powers
of observation and recall were lacking. More important, of
all the individuals in the line up, I was the only one who
wasn't a Pervect. What's more, all the others were uniformed
policemen! Nothing like a nice, impartial setup, and this
was just that . . . nothing like a nice, impartial setup.

What did surprise me was that I didn't seem to be the
least bit upset by the situation. Usually, in a crisis like this,
I would either be extremely upset or too angry to care. This
time, however, I simply felt a bit bemused. In fact, I felt

182 Robert Asprin MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS 183

so relaxed and in control of myself and the situation, I
decided to have a bit of fun with it ... just to break the
monotony.

"Look again, sir. Are you absolutely sure?"

I knew that voice, too. It was the captain who had given
J.R. and me so much grief the last time I had the pleasure
of enjoying police hospitality. Before the waiter could re-
spond, I used my disguise spell and switched places with
the policeman standing next to me.

"I am sure. He ees the third . . .no, the second from
the right!"

"What?"

Resisting the urge to grin, I went to work again, this time
changing everyone in the lineup so they were identical im-
ages of me.

"But . . . but thees ees imposs-ible!"

"MISTER Skeeve. If you don't mind?"

"Excuse me, captain?" I said innocently.

"We'd appreciate it a lot if you'd quit playing games
with the witnesses!"

"That makes us even," I smiled. "I'd appreciate it if
you quit playing games with me! However, I think I've
made my point."

I let the disguise spell drop, leaving the policemen in the
lineup to glare suspiciously at each other as well as at me.

"What point is that?"

"That this whole lineup thing is silly. We'll ignore the
bit with putting all of your colleagues up here with me for
the moment and assume you were playing it straight. My
point is that I'm not the only one who knows how to use a
disguise spell. Anyone who's laid eyes on me or seen a
picture of me could use a disguise spell well enough to fool
the average witness. That invalidates the lineup identifica-
tion as evidence. All you've established is that someone

with access to my image has been seen by the witness . . .
not that I personally, was anywhere near him."

There was a long silence beyond the lights.

"You're denying having had any contact with the witness?
I take "it you recognize his voice."

"That's a rather transparent catch question. Captain," I
laughed. "If I admit to recognizing his voice, then at the
same time I'm admitting to having had contact with him.
Right?"

I was starting to actually enjoy myself.

"As a matter of fact, I'm willing to admit I've had dealings
with your witness there. Also with the doorman and bellhop,
as well as the other people you've dragged in to identify
me. I was just questioning the validity of your procedure.
It seems to me that you're putting yourself and everyone
else through a lot of trouble that, by itself, won't yield any
usable results. If you want information about me and my
movements, why don't you just ask me directly instead of
going through all this foolishness?"

The floodlights went out suddenly, leaving me even more
blinded than when they had been on.

"All right. Mister Skeeve. We'll try it your way. If you'll
be so good as to follow me down to one of our 'interview'
rooms?"

Even "trying it my way'' was more hassle than I expected
or liked. True, I was out from in front of the floodlights,
but there were enough people crowded into the small "inter-
view room'' to make me feel like I was still on exhibition.

"Really, Captain," I said, sweeping the small crowd
with my eyes. "Is all this really necessary?"

"As a matter of fact, it is," he retorted. "I want to have
witnesses to everything you say as well as a transcript of
our little conversation. I suppose I should inform you that
anything you say can and may be used against you in court.

184 Robert Asprin MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS 185

What's more, you're entitled to an attorney for advice during
this questioning, either one of your choice or one of those
on call to the court. Now, do we continue or shall we wait
for a legal advisor?"

My feeling of control dimmed a bit. Somehow, this
seemed much more serious than my last visit.

"Am I being charged with anything?"

"Not yet," the captain said. "We'll see how the question-
ing goes."

I had been thinking of trying to get in touch with Shai-ster,
one of the Mob's lawyers. It occurred to me, however, that
just having access to him might damage the image I was
attempting to project of an innocent, injured citizen.

"Then I'll give the questioning a shot on my own," I
said. "I may holler for legal help if it get's too rough,
though."

"Suit yourself," the policeman shrugged, picking up the
sheaf of papers he had brought in with him.

Something in his manner made me think I had just made
the wrong choice in not insisting on having a lawyer. Nerv-
ously, I began to chatter, fishing for reassurance that things
really weren't as bad as they were starting to seem.

"Actually, Captain, I'm a little surprised that I'm here.
I thought we had covered everything pretty well my last
visit."

The police who had picked me up in front of my hotel
and delivered me to the station had been extremely tight-
lipped. Beyond the simple statement that' 'The captain wants
to see you," they hadn't given the slightest indication of
why I was being pulled in.

"Oh, the IDs were just to confirm we were dealing with
the right person," the captain smiled. "A point you have
very generously conceded. As to why you're here, it seems

there are one or two minor things we didn't cover the last
time we chatted."

He picked up one of the sheets, holding it by his fingertips
as if it were extremely fragile or precious.

"You see, just as I promised, we've run a check on you
through some of the other dimensions."

My confidence sank right along with my heart . . . deep
into the pit of my stomach.

"For the record," the captain was saying, "you are
Skeeve, sometimes known as 'the Great Skeeve' . . . orig-
inally from Klah with offices on Deva?"

"That's right."

"Now it seems you were somehow involved in a war a
while back , . . somewhere around Possiltum?''

There was nothing for me to duck there.

"I was at that time employed as Court Magician of Pos-
siltum. Helping to stop an invading army was simply a part
of my duties."

"Really? I also have a report from Jahk that says you
were part of a group that stole the Trophy from the Great
Game. Was that part of your duties, too?"

"We won that fair and square in a challenge match," I
flared. "The Jahks agreed to it in advance . . . and darn
near beat our brains out before we won."

"... Which you did with much the same team as you
used to stop the aforementioned invading army," the captain
commented drily.

"They're friends of mine," I protested. "We work to-
gether from time to time, and help each other out when one
of us gets in a jam."

"Uh-huh. Would you describe your relationship with the
Mob the same way? You know, friends who work together
and help each other out of jams from time to time?"

186 Robert Asprin

Whoops! There it was. Well, now that the subject was
on the table, it was probably best to deal with it openly and
honestly.

"That's different," I dodged.

"I'll say it is!" the captain snarled. "In fact, I don't
think different begins to describe it! In all my years on the
force I've never heard of anything like it!"

He scooped up a handful of paper and held it up dramat-
ically.

"From Klah, we have conflicting reports. One source
says that you were instrumental in keeping the Mob from
moving in on Possiltum. Another has you down as being a
sub-chieftan in the Mob itself!"

He grabbed another handful.

"That's particularly interesting, seeing as how Deva re-
ports that you stopped the Mob from moving into that dimen-
sion. What's more, you're being paid a fat retainer to main-
tain the defenses against the Mob, even though it seems
that much of that retainer is going toward paying off your
staff . . . which includes two bodyguards from the Mob and
the niece of the current head of the Mob! All of which, of
course, has nothing to do with the fact that you own and
operate a combination hotel and casino and are known to
associate with gamblers and assassins. Just what kind of
game are you playing, MISTER Skeeve? I'm dying to hear
just how you define 'different!' "

I considered trying my best to explain the rather tangled
set of relationships and circumstances that define my life
just now. Then I considered saving my breath.

"First, let me cheek something here. Captain. Does your
jurisdiction extend to other dimensions? To put it another
way, is it any of your business what I do or don't do away
from Perv, or did you just pull me in here to satisfy your
curiosity?"

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   187

Pursing his lips, the Pervect set the papers he was holding
back on the table and squared them very carefully.

"Oh, I'm very' curious about you. Mister Skeeve," he
said softly, "But that's not the reason I sent for you."

"Well then, can we get down to what the problem really
is? As much as I'd like to entertain you with my life story,
there are other rather pressing demands on my time."

The policeman stared at me stonily.

"All right. We'll stick to cases. Do you know a street
vendor named J.R.?"

The sudden change of subject threw me off-stride.

"J.R.? Sure I know him. Don't you remember? The last
time I was here he was sitting ..."

"How would you describe your relationship with the in-
dividual in question?" the captain interrupted.

"I guess you'd say we're friends," I shrugged. "I've
been chatting with him off and on since I arrived on Perv,
and, as you know, he helped me out that time I got into a
fight."

"Anything else?"

"No . . . except we're going into business together. That
is, I've put up the money for a venture of his."

The captain seemed taken aback.

"You mean you admit it?" he said.

A little alarm started to ring in the back of my head.

"Sure. I mean, what's so unusual about a businessman
investing in a new enterprise?"

"Wait a minute. What kind of an enterprise did you think
you were buying into?"

"He said he was going to open a retail storefront," I said
uneasily. "But he did say something about supplying the
other street vendors for a while to build up his operating
capital. Exactly what he was supplying I was never really
sure."

188 Robert Asprin

"You weren't sure?".

"Well, the truth is I was in a hurry and forgot to ask.
Why? What was he ..."

"We just picked him up for smuggling! It seems your
buddy and business partner was using your funds to buy
and sell contraband!"

Needless to say, the news upset me. It had occurred
to me that, in his enthusiasm, J.R. would go outside the
law for the sake of quick profits.

"How serious is it. Captain? Can I post bail for him . . .
or arrange for a lawyer?"

"Don't worry about him," the Pervect advised. "It turns
out he has some information on the ax murderer we've been
looking for and is willing to share it with us if we drop the
smuggling charges. No, you should be more worried about
yourself.''

"ME?"

"That's right. You've admitted you're his partner in this,
which makes you just as guilty as he is."

' 'But I didn't know what he was going to do! Honest!''

Now I was worried. The whole thing was absurd, but I
was starting to think I should have insisted on having a
lawyer after all.

"That's what you say," the captain said grimly. "Would
you like to see what he was smuggling?"

He gestured at one of the other policemen in the room
who held up several plastic bags with small items in them.
I recognized them at a glance, a fact which did nothing for
my peace of mind.

' 'Those are all products of the Acme Joke and Novelty
Company," the captain intoned. "A company I believe
you've worked with in the recent past?"

"A team of my employees did some work there on a
pilferage case," I mumbled, not able to take my eyes off

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    189

the items in the bags. "Are those things really illegal on
Perv?"

"We have a lot of ordinances that try to keep the quality
of life on Perv high. We haven't been able to stop pom,
but we have managed to outlaw trashy, practical joke items
like Rubber Doggie Doodle with Realistic Life-Like Aroma
that Actually Sticks to Your Hand."

It seemed like a very minor achievement to me, consid-
ering the crime on the streets I had already been exposed
to. I didn't think that it was wise to point this out just now,
though.

"Okay, Captain, let me rephrase my question," I said,
looking at the floor. "How much trouble am / in? I mean,
what's really involved here... a fine, a jail term, what?''

The Pervect was so silent I finally raised my head to meet
his gaze directly. He was looking at me with a flat, appraising
stare.

"No charges. I'm letting you go," he sighed, finally,
shaking his head.

"But I thought ..."

"I said it depended on how the questioning went! Well,
I just can't believe you'd be stupid enough to get involved
in this smuggling thing knowingly. If you had, you'd have
protected yourself better than you did. What you did was
dumb . . . but just dumb enough to ring true."

"Gee, thanks, Captain. I . . ."

"No thanks necessary. Just doing my job. Now get outta
here . . . and Mister Skeeve?"

"I know," I smiled, "don't change hotels or leave the
dimension without ..."

"Actually," the captain said drily without a trace of
warmth in his voice. "I was going to suggest the exact
opposite . . . that you leave the dimension . . . say, by
tomorrow morning?"

190 Robert Asprin

"What?"

"I still think you smell of trouble, and these reports con-
firm it. The smuggling thing just seems like too much small
potatoes for you to bother with. I'd rather see you gone
than put you in jail on a piddling charge like that . . . but
it's going to be one or the other, get me?"

I couldn't believe it! Perv was the nastiest, roughest di-
mension around and / was being thrown off as an undesir-
able!!

Chapter Twenty:

"Were you looking for me?"

—DR. LIVINGSTONE

I WAS SURPRISED to find Pookie waiting for me when I got
back to the hotel. The police had been nice enough to wait
until I had given her her check before hauling me off, so I
had thought I'd never see her again.

"Hello, Pookie. What brings you here?"

"I wanted to talk a little business with you," she said.
"It didn't seem the right time before, so I waited."

"I.see."

After my last experience, I wasn't wild about the idea of
doing business with Pervects . . . especially ones who didn't
want to talk in front of the police. Still, Pookie had given
me no reason to distrust her.

"Okay. Come on upstairs and say what's on your mind.
It seems I'm leaving ... on request."

If my statement seemed at all strange to her, she never
let on. Instead, she fell in step with me as I entered the hotel.

"Actually, what I have .to say shouldn't take too long.
If I understand correctly, you're on your way off-dimension

191

192 Robert Asprin

to rejoin your regular crew in a campaign against someone
named Queen Hemlock. Right?"

"That's a fair summation," I nodded. "Why?"

"I thought I'd offer my services to you for the upcoming
brawl. I can give you a special discount for work away from
Perv because off-dimension prices are lower. That keeps
my overhead down."

She flashed me a smile that was gone almost as soon as
it appeared.

For some reason, it had never occurred to me to hire her
for the Hemlock campaign. Still, the idea had merit.

"I don't know, Pookie," I said, trying to weigh the pluses
and minuses without taking too much time. "I've already
got a couple of bodyguards waiting for me."

"I know," she nodded. "I can do more than bodyguard,
and from the sound of the odds you can probably use a little
extra help."

"I can use a lot of help!" I admitted.

"Well, even though you couldn't find your friend, it does
show that you and yours don't mind working with Pervects.
Besides, I can travel the dimensions well enough to get us
to Klah directly."

That settled it. I had been unsure that my plan to simply
remove my monitor ring would be an effective way to signal
Massha for a pickup, and Pookie had just come up with a
good way to get there. Whatever Massha was doing right
now, I wasn't wild about her dropping everything just to
provide me with transport.

"All right. You've got yourself a job," I announced.
"Just give me a minute to get things together and we'll be
off."

That was my original plan, but as I opened the door to
my room, I realized I had a visitor.

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    193

"Well, don't just stand there with your mouth open. Are
you coming or going?"

If there was any doubt in my mind as to who my visitor
was, that greeting banished it.

"AAHZ!"

After all my searching—and soul-searching—I couldn't
believe my mentor, friend, and partner was finally in front
of my eyes, but there he was!

"That's right. I heard you wanted to talk to me ... so
talk."

"I suppose it's reassuring to know that some things never
change, Aahzmandius . . . like you."

That last came from Pookie as she slipped past me into
the room.

"Pookie!? Is that you?"

For the moment, Aahz seemed to be as dumbstruck as I
was.

"You two know each other?"

Surprised and off-stride, I returned to familiar patterns
and asked a redundant question.

"Know each other?" Aahz laughed. "Are you kidding?
We're cousins!"

"Distant cousins," Pookie corrected without enthusiasm.

"Really? Why didn't you say anything, Pookie?"

"You never asked."

"But . . . you knew I was looking for him!"

"Actually, it took me a while to put it together, and when
I did, I didn't know where he was either. Besides, to tell
you the truth, from what I recall, I figured you'd be better
off without him."

"Well, well. Little Pookie! Still have the razor tongue,
I see."

"Not so little any more, Aahzmandius," the bodyguard

194 Robert Asprin

said, a dangerous note creeping into her voice. "Try me
sometime and you'll see."

It was clear the two of them weren't on the best of terms.
I felt it best to intercede before things got ugly.

"How did you get into my room?"

"Bribed the bellhop," my old partner said, returning his
attention to me. "Those guys would sell the key to their
mother's store if there was a big enough tip in it for them.

An awkward silence followed. Desperately, I cast about
for something to say.

"So how have you been, Aahz?" I ventured, realizing
how lame it sounded. "You look great."

"Oh, I've been swell . . . just swell," he spat. "As a
matter of fact, it's a good thing I saw your ad in the personals
when I did. I was about to head off-dimension. I had forgot-
ten how high the prices are around here."

I made a mental note to pay off the bellhop. It looked
like his idea of placing an ad had paid off better than all
my running around.

'' You can say that again," I agreed. " I sure got ambushed
by the cost. Of course, I've never been here before, so I
couldn't know ..."

I broke off, realizing he was staring at me.

"Which brings us back to my original question, Skeeve.
What are you doing here and why do you want to talk to
me?"

My moment had come, and if Aahz's mood was any
indication, I had better make my first pitch good. I probably
wouldn't get a second chance. Everything I had considered
saying to him the next time we met face to face whirled
through my head like a kaleidoscope, mixing randomly with
my recent thoughts regarding myself.

My search had given me new insight into Aahz. Seeing

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   195

the dimension that spawned and shaped him, having learned
about his schooldays, and having met his mother, I had a
much clearer picture of what made my old partner tick.
While I was ready to use that information, I resolved never
to let him know how much I had learned. Someday, when
he was ready, he might share some of it with me voluntarily,
but until then I felt it was best to let him think his privacy
was still unbroached. Of course, that still left me groping
for what to say here and now. Should I beg him to come
back with me? Should I play on our friendship ... or use
the campaign against Queen Hemlock to lure him back for
just one more job?

Suddenly, Kalvin's advice came back to me. There was
no right or wrong thing to say. All I could do was try, and
hope that it was good enough to reach my alienated friend.
If not ...

Taking a deep breath, I gave it my best shot.

"Mostly, I came to apologize, Aahz."

"Apologize?"

My words seemed to startle him.

"That's right. I treated you rather shabbily . . . back
before you left. I've got no right to ask you to come back,
but I did want to find you to offer my apology and an
explanation, for what it's worth. You see ..."

Now that I had started, my words poured out in a rush,
popping out without conscious thought on my part.

"I was so afraid in my new position as head of M.Y.T.H.
Inc. that I went overboard trying to live up to what I thought
everybody expected of me. I tried to cover up my own
weaknesses ... to appear strong, by doing everything with-
out any help from anybody. I wouldn't even accept the same
help that had been given to me before I accepted the position,
and either ignored or snapped at any offers of advice or

196 Robert Asprin

assistance because I saw them as admissions of my own
shortcomings."

I looked at him steadily.

"It was a dumb, immature, jackass way to act, but worst
of all it hurt my friends because it made them feel useless
and unwanted. That was bad enough for Tananda and Chum-
ley and the others, and I'll be apologizing to them, too, but
it was an unforgivable way to treat you."

Licking my lips, I went for it.

"I've never been all that good with words, Aahz, and I
doubt I'll ever be able to tell you how much you mean to
me. I said I couldn't ask you to come back, and I won't.
but I will say that if you do come back, you'll be more than
welcome. I'd'like a chance to show you what I can't find
the words to say ... that I admire you and value the wisdom
and guidance you've always given me. I can't promise that
I'll be able to change completely or immediately, but I'm
going to try ... whether you come back or not. I do know
it'll be easier if you're there to box my ears when I start to
slip. I wish . . . well, that's all. It doesn't start to even
things out, but you've got my apology."

I lapsed into silence, waiting for his response.

"You know, Skeeve, you're growing up. I think we both
forget that more often than we should."

Aahz's voice was so soft I barely recognized it as his.

"Does this mean you'll come back?"

"I . . . I'll have to think about it." he said, looking
away.' 'Let me get back to you in a couple of days. Okay?''

"I'd like to, but I can't," I grimaced. "I've got to leave
tonight."

"I see," Aahz's head snapped around. "You could only
allow so much time for this little jaunt, huh? Work piling
up back at the office?''

An angry, indignant protest rose to my lips, but I fought

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS    197

back. From what he knew, Aahz's assumption wasn't only
not out of line, it was a logical error.

"That's not it at all," I said quietly. "If you must know,
the local police have told me to be off-dimension by mom-
ing."

"What!!?? You've been tossed off Perv?"

My old partner's eyes fixed on Pookie with cold fury.

"What have you two been up to that could get you tossed
off a dimension like this?"

"Don't look at me, cousin! This is the first I've heard
of it. The last thing I knew he was heading off-dimension
because he couldn't find you."

"That was before my last interview with the police," I
supplied. "Really, Aahz, Pookie had nothing to do with it.
It's a little mess I got into on my own over ... the details
aren't really important right now. The bottom line is that I
can't hang around while you make up your mind."

"Well some day I want to hear those 'unimportant de-
tails,' "Aahz growled. "In the meantime, I suppose you
can go on ahead and I'll catch up with you after I've thought
things out."

"Um . . . actually, if you decide to come, I'll be over
on Klah, not Deva."

I tried to make it sound casual, but Aahz caught it in a
flash.

"Klah? What would take you back to that backwater
dimension?"

There was no way around the direct question. Besides,
my old mentor's tone of voice called for a no-nonsense
answer.

"Well, there's a problem I've got to deal with there.
Remember Queen Hemlock? It seems she's on the move
again."

"Hemlock?" Aahz frowned. "I thought you cooled her

198 Robert Asprin

jets with a ring that wouldn't come off."

I decided it wasn't the time to ask what a jet was.

"I did," I acknowledged. "She sent it back to me ...
finger and all. It looked like a pretty clear announcement
and a warning that she was all set to launch her world
conquest plans again . . . and wasn't about to put up with
any interference."

"... And you're about to go up against her alone?
Without even mentioning it to me?"

"I ... I didn't think it would be fair to try to pressure
you with it, Aahz. Face it, the way things seem to go there
will always be some kind of trouble cropping up. You can't
be expected to spend your life covering my tail every time
I get in a scrape. Besides, I'm not going to try to take her
on myself. In fact, the rest of the team is already there. I
sent them on ahead while I came back to look for you."

I was expecting an explosion and a lecture. Instead, Aahz
seemed to be studying my face.

"Let me see if I've got this right," he said, finally.
"Your home dimension is under attack . . . and instead of
leading the team in the campaign, you put it all on hold to
come looking for me?"

When he put it that way, it did sound more than a little
irresponsible.

"Well . . . yes," I stammered. "But I told Massha to
come pick me up at the end of a week. I figured that I'd
have to go and pitch in at that point, whether I had found
you or not."

Aahz started to say something, then shook his head. Heav-
ing a great sigh, he tried again. •

"Skeeve . . . don't worry about not being able to find
the right words. I think you've given me a pretty good idea
of what I really mean to you."

MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS   199

"I did?"

He nodded.

"Enough that I've decided I don't need any more time
to make up my mind. Grab your stuff, partner. Let's get
going. Are you square with the hotel, or do you still have
to settle accounts?"

"I'm all set on that front," I said. "There's no balance
. . . since they made me pay in advance."

"That figures," Aahz grumbled. "Unless you're a VIP
or something, everybody gets the same treatment."

It was just too good an opening to pass up, and I yielded
to the temptation.

"Of course, it'll probably be easier for me next time
around. .. now that I have a line of credit and a credit card.''

"What next time around? I thought you said the po-
lice ..."

His train of thought stopped abruptly as he turned to loom
over me.

"CREDIT CARD? What credit card? Who's been teach-
ing you about credit cards?''

That wasn't exactly the reaction I had been expecting.

"The bank suggested it, actually," I explained. "They
said ..."

"What bank? How did you know what to look for in a
bank?"

"Well, it was recommended to me by Edvick, he's the
cabbie I hired while I was here, and ..."

"That you hired? Why didn't you . . ."He paused and
seemed to regain a bit of control. "It sounds like you've-
got quite a bit to discuss with me ... when we have the
time. Right, partner'1.'"'

"Right, Aahz," I said, glad to be off the hook for the
moment.

200            Robert Asprin

' 'Is there anything that has to be done before we leave?''

"Well, I've got to get some money to the bellhop. I
promised him ..."

"Spare me the details . . . for the moment anyway. Any-
thing else?"

"No, Aahz."

"All right. Finish packing while I hunt up this bellhop
for you. Then, we're off for Klah ... if I can find the
settings on the D-hopper, that is. It's been a while, and..."

"Save the batteries, cousin," Pookie said. "I think I can
handle getting us all there without help."

"You? Since when were you coming along?" Aahz
gaped.

"Since I hired on with Skeeve here," the bodyguard
countered. "While we're on the subject, since when did
you need a D-hopper to travel through the dimensions?''

"Um ... if the two of you don't mind," I said, stuffing
my dirty clothes into my new bag, "could we save all that
until later? Right now, we've got a war to catch!"