This Ace Fantasy Book contains the complete
text of the original trade edition.
It has been completely reset in a typeface
designed for easy reading, and was printed
from new film.

MYTH DIRECTIONS

An Ace Fantasy Book / published by arrangement with
Starblaze Editions of The Donning Company / Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Starblaze edition published 1982
Ace edition / June 1985
Second printing / September 1985

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1982 by Robert L. Asprin
Cover art by Walter Velez

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,
by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.
For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers
5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.

ISBN: 0-441-55527-6

Ace Fantasy Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,
200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Chapter One:

"Dragons and Demons and Kings,
Oh my!"

—THE COWARDLY KLAHD

"THIS place stinks!" my scaly mentor snarled, glar-
ing out the window at the rain.

"Yes, Aahz," I agreed meekly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped,
turning his demon's speckled gold eyes on me.

"It means," I gulped, "that I agree with you. The
Kingdom of Possiltum, and the palace specifically,
stink to high heaven—both figuratively and liter-
ally."

"Ingratitude!" Aahz made his appeal to the ceil-
ing. "I lose my powers to a stupid practical joker,
and instead of concentrating on getting them back, I
take on some twit of an apprentice who doesn't have
any aspirations higher than being a thief, train him,
groom him, and get him a job paying more than he
could spend in two lifetimes, and what happens? He
complains! I suppose you think you could have done
better on your own?"

2            Robert Asprin

It occurred to me that Aahz's guidance had also
gotten me hung, embroiled in a magik duel with a
master magician, and recently, placed in the unen-
viable position of trying to stop the world's largest
army with a handful of down-at-the -heels demons. It
also occurred to me that this was not the most tactful
time to point out these minor nerve-jangling in-
cidents.

"I'm sorry, Aahz," I grovelled. "Possiltum is a
pretty nice kingdom to work for."

"It stinks!" he declared, turning to the window
again.

I stifled a sigh. A magician's lot is not a happy one.
I stole that saying from a tune Aahz sings off and on
. . . key. More and more, I was realizing the truth of
the jingle. As the court magician to my king I had
already endured a great deal more than I had ever
bargained for.

Actually the king of Possiltum isn't my king. I'm
his royal magician, an employee at best.

Aahz isn't my demon, either. I'm his apprentice,
trying desperately to learn enough magik to warrant
my aforementioned lofty title.

Gleep is definitely my dragon, though. Just ask
Aahz. Better still, ask anyone in the court of Possi-
ltum. Anytime my pet wreaks havoc with his playful
romping, I get the blame and J.R. Grimble, the
king's chancellor, deducts the damages from my
wages.

Naturally, this gets Aahz upset. In addition to
managing my magik career, Aahz also oversees our
finances. Well, that's something of an understate-
ment. He shamelessly bleeds the kingdom for every
monetary consideration he can get for us (which is
considerable) and watches over our expenses. When
it comes to spending our ill-gotten wealth, Aahz

MYTH DIRECTIONS          3

would rather part with my blood. As you might
guess, we argue a lot over this.

Gleep is understanding though; which is part of the
reason I keep him around. He's quite intelligent and
understanding for a baby dragon with a one word vo-
cabulary. I spend a considerable amount of time tell-
ing him my troubles, and he always listens attentively
without interrupting or arguing or shouting about
how stupid I am. This makes him better company
than Aahz.

It says something about one's lifestyle when the
only one you can get sympathy from is a dragon.

Unfortunately, on this particular day I was cut off
from my pet's company. It was raining, and when it
rains in Possiltum, it doesn't kid around. Gleep is to
big to live indoors with us, and the rain made the
courtyard impassable, so I couldn't reach the stables
where he was quartered. What was more, I couldn't
risk roaming the halls of the castle for fear of run-
ning into the king. If that happened, he would
doubtless ask when I was going to do something
about the miserable weather. Weather control was
not one of my current skills, and I was under strict
orders from Aahz to avoid the subject at all costs. As
such, I was stuck waiting out the rain in my own
quarters. That in itself wouldn't be so bad, if it
wasn't for the fact that I shared those quarters with
Aahz.

Rain made Aahz grouchy, or I should say
grouchier than usual. I'd rather be locked in a small
cage with an angry spider-bear than be alone in a
room with Aahz when he's in a bad mood.

"There must be something to do," Aahz grum-
bled, begging to pace the floor. "I haven't been this
bored since the Two Hundred Year Siege."

"You could teach me about dimension travel," I
suggested hopefully.

4

Robert Asprin

MYTH DIRECTIONS

5

This was one area of magik Aahz had steadfastly
refused to teach me. As I mentioned earlier, Aahz is a
demon, short for "dimension traveler." Most of my
close friends these days were demons, and I was eager
to add dimension traveling to my meager list of skills.

"Don't make me laugh, kid." Aahz laughed
harshly. "At the rate you're learning, it would take
more than two hundred years to teach it to you."

"Oh," I said, crestfallen. "Well—you could tell
me about the Two Hundred Year Siege."

"The Two Hundred Year Siege," Aahz murmured
dreamily, smiling slightly to himself. Large groups of
armed men have been known to turn pale and trem-
ble visibly before Aahz's smile.

"There isn't much to tell," he began, leaning
against a table and hefting a large pitcher of wine.
"It was me and another magician, Diz-Ne. He was a
snotty little upstart... you remind me a bit of him."

"What happened?" I urged, anxious to get the
conversation away from me.

"Well, once he figured out he couldn't beat me flat
out, he went defensive," Aahz reminisced. "He was
a real nothing magikally, but he knew his defense
spells. Kept me off his back for a full two hundred
years, even though we drained most of the magik
energies of that dimension in the process."

"Who won?" I pressed eagerly.

Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me over the lip of the
wine pitcher.

"I'm telling the story, kid," he pointed out. "You
figure it out."

I did, and swallowed hard.

"Did you kill him?"

"Nothing that pleasant," Aahz smiled. "What I
did to him once I got through his defenses will last a
lot longer than two hundred years—but 1 guarantee
you, he won't get bored."

"Why were you fighting?" I asked in a desperate

effort to forestall the images my mind was manufac-
turing.

"He welshed on a bet," my mentor shrugged,
hefting the wine again.

"That's all?"

"That's enough," Aahz insisted grimly. "Bet-
ting's a serious matter—in any dimension."

"Urn—Aahz?" I frowned. "Weren't Big Julie and
his men running from gambling debts when we met
them?"

That's the army I mentioned earlier. Big Julie and
his men were currently disguised as happy citizens of
Possiltum.

"That's right, kid," Aahz nodded.

"Then that's why you said the loansharks would
probably come looking for them," I declared trium-
phantly.

"Wrong," Aahz said firmly.

"Wrong?" I blinked.

"I didn't say they'd probably come looking," he
corrected. "I said they would come looking. Bank on
it. There are only two questions involved here: When
are they coming, and what are you going to do about
it?"

"I don't know about the 'when,' " I commented
with careful deliberation, "but I've given some
thought to what I'm going to do."

"And you've decided—" Aahz prompted.

"To grab our money and run!" I declared.
"That's why I want to learn dimension travel. I
figure there won't be anywhere in this dimension we
could hide, and that means leaving Klah for greener,
safer pastures."

Aahz was unmoved.

"If push comes to shove," he yawned, "we can
use the D-Hopper. As long as we've got a mechanical
means of traveling to other dimensions, there's no
need for you to learn how to do it magically."

6 Robert Asprin

"C'mon, Aahz!" I exploded. "Why won't you
teach me? What makes dimension traveling so hard
to learn?"

Aahz studied me for a long moment, then heaved a
big sigh. "All right, Skeeve," he said. "If you listen
up, I'll try to sketch it out for you."

I listened. With every pore, I listened. Aahz didn't
call me by my given name often, and when he did, it
was serious.

"The problem is that to travel the dimensions,
even using pentacles for beacons—gateways—re-
quires knowing your destination dimension . . .
knowing it almost as well as your home dimension. If
you don't, then you can get routed into a dimension
you aren't even aware of, and be trapped there with
no way out."

He paused to take another drink from the wine
pitcher.

"Now, you've only been in one dimension besides
Klah," he continued. "That was Deva, and you only
saw the Bazaar. You know the Bazaar well enough to
know it's constantly changing and rearranging. You
don't know it well enough to have zeroed in on the
few permanent fixtures you could use to home in on
for a return trip, so effectively, you don't know any
other dimensions well enough to be sure of your
destination if you tried to jump magikally. That's
why you can't travel the dimensions without using
the D-Hopper! End of lecture."

I blinked.

"You mean the only reason I can't do it magikally
is because I don't know the other dimensions?" I
asked.

"That's the main reason," Aahz corrected.

"Then let's go!" I cried, leaping to my feet. "I'll
get the D-Hopper and you can show me a couple new
dimensions while we're waiting for the rain to stop."

"Not so fast, kid!" Aahz interrupted, holding up a

MYTH DIRECTIONS          7

restraining hand." Sit down."

"What's wrong?" I challenged.

"Do you really think that possibility hadn't oc-
curred to me?" he asked, an edge of irritation creep-
ing into his voice.

I thought about it, and sat down again.

"Why don't you think it's a good idea?" I queried
in a more humble tone.

"There are a few things you've overlooked in your
enthusiasm," he intoned dryly. "First of all, remem-
ber that in another dimension, you'll be a demon.
Now, except for Deva which makes its money on
cross-dimension trade, most dimensions don't greet
demons with flowers and red carpets. The fact is, a
demon is likely to be attacked on sight by whoever's
around with whatever's handy."

He leaned forward to emphasize his words. "What
I'm trying to say is, it's dangerous! Now, if we went
touring and ran into trouble; what do we have to de-
fend ourselves? I've lost my powers and yours are
still so undeveloped as to be practically non-existent.
Who's going to handle the natives?"

"How dangerous is it?" I asked hesitantly.

"Let me put it to you this way, kid," Aahz sighed.
"You spend a lot of time griping about how I keep
putting your life in jeopardy with my blatant disre-
gard for danger. Right?"

"Right." I nodded vigorously.

"Well, now I'm saying the trip you're proposing is
dangerous. Does that give you a clue as to what
you'll be up against?"

I leaned back in my chair and stretched, trying to
make it look nonchalant.

"How abut sharing some of that wine?" I sug-
gested casually.

For a change, Aahz didn't ignore the request. He
tossed the pitcher into the air as he rose and strode to
the window again. Reaching out with my mind, I

8

Robert Asprin

gently grabbed the pitcher and brought it floating to
my outstretched hand without spilling a drop.

As I said, I am the court magician of Possiltum.
I'm not without powers.

"Don't let it get you down, kid," Aahz called
from the window. "If you keep practicing, someday
we can take that tour under your protection. But
until you reach that level, or until we find you a
magikal bodyguard, it'll just have to wait."

"I suppose you're right, Aahz," I conceded. "It's
just that sometimes..."

There was a soft BAMF! as the ether was rent
asunder and a demon appeared in the room. Right

there! In my private quarters in the Possiltum royal
palace!

Before I could recover from my surprise or Aahz
could move to intervene, the demon plopped itself
onto my lap and planted a big, warm kiss full on my
mouth.

"Hi, handsome!" it purred. "How's tricks?"

Chapter Two:

"When old friends get together,
everything else fades to insignifi-
cance."

—WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE,
AND DEATH

"TANDA!" I exclaimed, recovering from shock suffi-
ciently to fasten my arms around her waist in an
energetic hug.

"In the flesh!" she winked, pressing hard against
me.

My temperature went up several degrees, or maybe
it was the room. Tananda has that effect on me—and
rooms. Lusciously curvaceous, with a mane of light
green hair accenting her lovely olive complexion and
features, she could stop a twenty-man brawl with a
smile and a deep sigh.

"He isn't the only one in the room, you know,"
Aahz commented dryly.

"Hi, Aahz!" my adorable companion cried, un-
tangling herself from my lap and throwing herself
into Aahz's arms.

The volume of Tananda's affections is exceeded
only by her willingness to share them. I had a secret

10 Robert Asprin

belief, though, that Tananda liked me better than she
liked Aahz. This belief was tested for strength as
their greeting grew longer and longer.

"Um . . . what brings you to these parts?" I inter-
rupted at last.

That earned me a dark look from Aahz, but
Tananda didn't bat an eye.

"Well," she dimpled, "I could say I was just in the
neighborhood and felt like dropping by, but that
wouldn't be true. The fact is, I need a little favor."

"Name it," Aahz and I declared simultaneously.

Aahz is tight-fisted and I'm chicken, but all bets
are off when it comes to Tananda. She had helped us
out of a couple of tight spots in the past, and we both
figured we owed her. The fact she had helped us into
as many tight spots as she had helped us out of never
entered our minds. Besides—she was awfully nice to
have around.

"It's nothing really," she sighed. "I have a little
shopping to do and was hoping I could borrow one
of you two to help me carry things."

"You mean today?" Aahz frowned.

"Actually, for the next couple days," Tananda in-
formed him. "Maybe as long as a week."

"Can't do it," Aahz sighed. "I have to referee a
meeting between Big Julie and General Badaxe
tomorrow. Any chance you could postpone it until
next week?"

"Ummm . . . you weren't the one I was thinking
of, Aahz," Tananda said, giving the ceiling a casual
survey. "I was thinking Skeeve and I could handle
it."

"Me?" I blinked.

Aahz scowled.

"Not a chance," he declared. "The kid can't play
step-and-fetch-it for you. It's beneath his dignity."

"No, it isn't!" I cried. "I mean, if it wouldn't be
beneath you. Aahz, how could it be beneath me?"

MYTH , DIRECTIONS          11

"I'm not the court magician of Possiltum!" he
argued.

"I can disguise myself!" I countered. "That's one
of my best spells. You've said so yourself."

"I think your scaly green mentor is just a lee-tie bit
jealous," Tananda observed, winking at me covertly.

"Jealous?" Aahz exploded. "Me? Jealous of a
little ..." He broke off and looked back and forth
between Tananda and myself as he realized he was
being baited.

"Oh—I suppose it would be okay," he grumbled
at last. "Go ahead and take him—even though it's
beyond me what you expect to find in this backwater
dimension worth shopping for."

"Oh, Aahz!" Tananda laughed. "You're a card.
Shopping in Klah? I may be a little flighty from time
to time, but I'm not crazy."

"You mean we're headed for other dimensions?" I
asked eagerly.

"Of course," she nodded. "We have quite an
itinerary ahead of us. First, we'll hop over to—"

"What's an itinerary?" I asked.

"Stop!" Aahz shouted, holding up a hand for si-
lence.

"But I was just—"

"Stop!"

"We were—"

"Stop!"

Our conversation effectively halted, we turned our
attention to Aahz. With melodramatic slowness, he
folded his arms across his chest.

"No, "he said.

"No?" I shrieked. "But, Aahz ..."

" 'But, Aahz' nothing," he barked back. "I said
'No'and I meant it."

"Wait a minute," Tananda interceded, stepping
between us. "What's the problem, Aahz?"

"If you think I'm going to let my apprentice go

12 Robert Asprin

traipsing around the dimensions alone and unpro-
tected—"

"I won't be alone," I protested. "Tananda will be
there."

"—a prime target for any idiot who wants to bag a
demon," Aahz continued, ignoring my outburst,
"just so you can have a beast of burden for your
shopping jaunt, well, you'd better think again."

"Are you through?" Tananda asked testily.

"For the moment," Aahz nodded, matching her
glare for glare.

"First of all," she began, "as Skeeve pointed out,
if you'd bothered to listen, he won't be alone. I'll be
with him. That means, second of all, he won't be un-
protected. Just because I let my membership with the
Assassins Guild expire doesn't mean I've forgotten
everything."

'' Yeah, Aahz,'' I interjected.

"Shut up, kid," he snapped.

"Third of all," Tananda continued, "you've got
to stop thinking of Skeeve here as a kid. He stopped
Big Julie's army, didn't he? And besides, he is your
apprentice. I assume you've taught him something
over the last couple of years."

That hit Aahz in his second most sensitive spot.
His vanity. His most sensitive spot is his money
pouch.

"Well... " he waivered.

"C'mon, Aahz," I pleaded. "What could go
wrong?"

"The mind boggles," he retorted grimly.

"Don't exaggerate, Aahz," Tananda repri-
manded.

"Exaggerate!" my mentor exploded anew. "The
first time I took Mr. Wonderful here off-dimension,
he bought a dragon we neither need nor want and
nearly got killed in a brawl with a pack of cut-
throats."

MYTH DIRECTIONS         13

"A fight which he won, as I recall," Tananda

observed.

"The second time we went out," Aahz continued
undaunted, "I left him at a fast-food joint where he
promptly recruited half the deadbeats at the Bazaar
for a fighting force."

"They won the war!" I argued.

"That's not the point," Aahz growled. "The point
is, every time the kid here hits another dimension, he
ends up in trouble. He draws it like a magnet."

"This time I'll be there to keep an eye on him,"
Tananda soothed.

"You were there the first two times," Aahz

pointed out grimly.

"So were you!" she countered.

"That's right!" Aahz agreed. "And both of us
together couldn't keep him out of trouble. Now do
you see why I want to keep him right here in Klah?"

"Hmm," Tananda said thoughtfully. "I see your
point, Aahz."

My heart sank.

"I just don't agree with it," she concluded.

"Damn it, Tananda ..." Aahz began, but she
waved him to silence.

"Let me tell you a story," she smiled. "There was
this couple see, who had a kid they thought the world
of. They thought so much of him, in fact, that when
he was born they sealed him in a special room. Just to
be sure nothing would happen to him, they screened
everything that went into the room; furniture, books,
food, toys, everything. They even filtered the air to
be sure he didn't get any diseases."

"So?" Aahz asked suspiciously.

"So—on his eighteenth birthday, they opened the
room and let him out," Tanda explained. "The kid
took two steps and died of excitement."

"Really?" I asked, horrified.

"It's exaggerated a bit," she admitted, "but I

14           Robert Asprin

think Aahz gets the point."

"I haven't been keeping him sealed in," Aahz
mumbled. "There've been some real touch-and-go
moments, you know. You've been there for some of
them."

"But you have been a little overprotective, haven't
you, Aahz?" Tananda urged gently.

Aahz was silent for several moments, avoiding our
eyes. "All right," he sighed at last. "Go ahead, kid.
Just don't come crying to me if you get yourself
killed."

"How could I do that?" I frowned.

Tananda nudged me in the ribs and I took the hint.

"There are a few things I want settled before you

go," Aahz declared brusquely, a bit of his normal

spirit returning.

He began moving back and forth through the
room, gathering items from our possessions.

"First," he announced, "here's some money of
your own for the trip. You probably won't need it,
but you always walk a little taller with money in your
pouch."

So saying, he counted out twenty gold pieces into
my hands. Realizing I had hired a team of demons to
fight a war for five gold pieces, he was giving me a
veritable fortune!

"Gee, Aahz ..." I began, but he hurried on.

"Second, here's the D-Hopper." He tucked the
small metal cylinder into my belt. "I've set it to bring
you back here. If you get into trouble, if you think
you're getting into trouble, hit the button and come
home right then. No heroics, no jazzy speeches. Just
hit and get. You understand me?"

"Yes, Aahz," I promised dutifully.

"And finally," he announced, drawing himself up
to his full height, "the dragon stays here. You aren't
going to drag your stupid pet along with you and
that's final. I know you'd like to have him with you,

MYTH DIRECTIONS          15

but he'd only cause problems."

"Okay, Aahz," I shrugged.

Actually, I had figured on leaving Gleep behind,
but it didn't seem tactful to point that out.

"Well," my mentor sighed, sweeping us both with
a hard gaze, "I guess that's that. Sorry I can't hang
around to see you off, but I've got more pressing

things to do."

With that he turned on his heels and left, shutting
the door behind him more forcefully than was neces-
sary.

"That's funny," I said, staring after him. "I
didn't think he had anything important to do. In
fact, just before you showed up, he was complaining

about being bored."

"You know, Skeeve," Tananda said softly, giving
me a strange look, "Aahz is really quite attached to

you."

"Really?" I frowned. "What makes you say

that?"

"Nothing," she smiled. "It was just a thought.

Well. are you ready to go?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," I declared confidently.
"What's our first stop? The Bazaar at Deva?"

"Goodness, no!" she retorted, wrinkling her nose.
"We're after something really unique, not the com-
mon stuff they have at the Bazaar. I figure we're
going to have to hit some out-of-the-way dimensions,
the more out-of-the-way the better."

Despite my confidence, an alarm gong went off in
the back of my mind at this declaration.

"What are we looking for, anyway?" I asked casu-
ally.

Tananda shot a quick glance at the door, then
leaned forward to whisper in my ear.

"I couldn't tell you before," she murmured con-
spiratorially, "but we're after a birthday present. A
birthday present for Aahz!"

Chapter Three:

"That's funny, I never have any
trouble with service when I'm shop-
ping."

—K. KONG

EVER since he took me on as an apprentice, Aahz has
complained that I don't practice enough. He should
have seen me on the shopping trip! In the first three
days after our departure from Klah I spent more time
practicing magik than I had in the previous year.

Tananda had the foresight to bring along a couple
of translator pendants which enabled us to under-
stand and be understood by the natives in the dimen-
sions we visited. That was fine for communications,
but there remained the minor detail of our physical
appearance. Disguises were my job.

Besides flying Aahz had taught me one other spell
which had greatly enhanced my ability to survive
dubious situations; that was the ability to change the
outward appearance of my own, or anyone else's,
physical features. Tagging along with Tananda, this
skill got a real workout.

The procedure was simple enough. We would ar-

16

MYTH DIRECTIONS         17

rive at some secluded point, then creep to a spot
where I would observe a few members of the local
population. Once I had laid eyes on them I could
duplicate their physical form for our disguises and we
could blend with the crowd. Of course, my nerves
had to be calmed so I wouldn't jump out of my skin
when catching a passing glance of the being standing
next to me.

If from this you conclude that the dimensions we
visited were inhabited by people who looked a little
strange . . . you're wrong. The dimensions we visited
were peopled by beings who looked very strange.

When Tananda decides to tour out-of-the-way di-
mensions, she doesn't kid around. None of the places
we visited looked normal to my untraveled eyes but a
few in particular stand out in my memory as being
exceptionally weird.

Despite Tananda's jokes about rental agencies,
Avis turned out to be populated with bird-like crea-
tures with wings and feathers. In that dimension I not
only had to maintain our disguises, I had to fly us
from perch to perch as per the local method of trans-
portation. Instead of traversing their market center
as I had expected, we spent considerable time viewing
their national treasures. These treasures turned out to
be a collection of broken pieces of colored glass and
bits of shiny metal which to my eye were worthless-
but Tananda studied them with quiet intensity.

To maintain our disguises, we had to eat and drink
without hands—which proved to be harder than it
sounded. Since the food consisted of live grubs and
worms, I passed on any opportunity to sample the lo-
cal cuisine. Tananda, however, literally dove into (re-
member—no hands!) a bowlful. Whether she licked
her lips because she found the fare exceptionally tasty
or if she was attempting to catch a few of the wriggly
morsels that were trying to escape their fate was not
important; I found the sight utterly revolting. To

18

MYTH DIRECTIONS         19

Robert Asprin

avoid having to watch her, I tried the local wine.

The unusual drinking style meant that I ended up
taking larger swallows than I normally would, but
that was okay as the wine was light and flavorful.
Unfortunately, it also proved to be much stronger
than anything I had previously sampled. After I had
nearly flown us into a rather large tree Tananda
decided it was time for us to move to another dimen-
sion.

As a footnote to that particular adventure, the
wine had two side effects: first, I developed a colossal
headache, and, second, I became violently nauseous.
The latter was because Tananda gleefully told me
how they make wine on Avis. To this day I can't hear
the name Avis without having visions of flying
through the air and a vague tinge of air-sickness. As
far as I'm concerned, when rating dimensions on a
scale of ten, Avis will always be a number two.

Another rather dubious dimension we spent con-
siderable time in was Gastropo. The length of our
stay there had nothing to do with our quest. Tananda
decided, after relatively few stops, that the dimension
had nothing to offer of a quality suitable for Aahz's
present. What delayed us was our disguises.

Let me clarify that before aspersions are cast on
my admittedly limited abilities, the physical appear-
ance part was easy. As I've said, I'm getting quite
good at disguise spells. What hung us up was the
manner of locomotion. After flying from tree to tree
in Avis, I would have thought I was ready to get from
point A to point B in any conceivable way. Well, as
Aahz has warned me, the dimensions are an endless
source of surprises.

The Gastropods were snails—large snails, but
snails none the less. Spiral shells, eyes on stalks—the
whole bit. I could handle that. What I couldn't get
used to was inching my way along with the rest of the
local pedestrians—excuse me, pod-estiians.

"Tanda," I growled under my breath. "How long
are we going to stay in this god-awful dimension?"

"Relax, handsome," she chided, easing forward
another inch. "Enjoy the scenery."

"I've been enjoying this particular hunk of scenery
for half a day," I complained. "I'm enjoying it so
much I've memorized it."

"Don't exaggerate," my guide scolded. "This
morning we were on the other side of that tree."

I closed my eyes and bit back my first five or six
responses to her correction. "How long?" I re-
peated.

"I figure we can split after we turn that corner."

"But that corner's a good twenty-five feet away!"
I protested.

"That's right," she confirmed. "I figure we'll be
there by sundown."

"Can't we just walk over there at normal speed?"

"Not a chance; we'd be noticed."

"By who?"

"Whom. Well, by your admirer, for one."

"My what?" I blinked.

Sure enough, there was a Gastropod chugging
heroically along behind us. When it realized I was
looking at it, it began to wave its eye-stalks in slow,
but enthusiastic, motions.

"It's been after you for about an hour," Tananda
confided. "That's why I've been hurrying."

"That does it!" I declared, starting off at a normal
pace. "C'mon, Tanda, we're getting out of here."

Shrill cries of alarm were being sounded by the
Gastropods as 1 rounded the corner, followed,
shortly, by my guide.

"What's the matter with you?" she demanded.
"We could—"

"Get us out—now!" I ordered.

"But—"

"Remember how I got my dragon?" I barked. "If

20

MYTH DIRECTIONS          21

Robert Asprin

I let an amorous snail follow me home, Aahz will
disown me as his apprentice. Now, are you going to
get us out of here, or do I use the D-Hopper and head
for home?"

"Don't get your back up," she soothed, beginning
her ritual to change dimensions. "You shouldn't
have worried though, we're looking for cargo—not
S-cargo."

We were in another dimension before I could ask
her to explain why she was giggling. So it went,
dimension after dimension until I gave up trying to
predict the unpredictable and settled for coping with
the constants. Even this turned out to be a chore. For
one thing, I had some unexpected problems with
Tananda. I had never noticed it before, but she's
really quite vain. She didn't just want to look like a
native—she wanted to look like an attractive native.

Anyone who thinks beauty is a universal concept
should visit some of the places we did. Whatever
grotesque form I was asked to duplicate Tananda
always had a few polite requests for improving her
appearance. After a few days of "the hair should be
more matted," or "shouldn't my eye be a bit more
bloodshot?" or "a little more slime under the arm-
pits," I was ready to scream. It probably wouldn't
have been so annoying if her attention to detail had
extended just a little bit to my appearance. All I'd get
was—"You? You look fine." That how I know she's
vain; she was more interested in her own appearance
than mine.

That wasn't the only thing puzzling about Tan-
anda's behavior. Despite her claim that we were on a
shopping trip, she steadfastly avoided the retail sec-
tions of the dimensions we visited. Bazaars, farmers'
markets, flea markets and all the rest were met with
the same wrinkled nose (when there was a nose) and
"we don't want to go there." Instead she seemed to
be content as a tourist. Her inquiries would invar-
iably lead us to national shrines or the public displays
of royal treasures. After viewing several of these we
would retire to a secluded spot and head off for the
next dimension.

In a way this suited me fine. Not only was I getting
a running, flying, and crawling tour of the dimen-
sions, I was doing it with Tananda. Tananda is
familiar with the social customs of over a hundred
dimensions and in every dimension she was just
that—familiar. I rapidly learned that in addition to
beauty, morality varied from dimension to dimen-
sion. The methods of expressing affection in some of
the dimensions we visited defy description but in-
variably make me blush at the memory. Needless to
say, after three days of this I was seriously trying to
progress beyond the casual friendship level with my
shapely guide. I mean, Tananda's interpretation of
casual friendship was already seriously threatening
the continued smooth operation of my heart—not to
mention other organs.

There was a more pressing problem on my mind,
however. After three days of visiting strange worlds,
I was hungry enough to bite my own arm for the
blood. They say if you're hungry enough you'll eat
anything. Don't you believe it. The things placed
before me and called food were unstomachable
despite starvation. I know; I tried occasionally, out
of desperation, only to lose everything else in my
stomach along with the latest offering. Having
Tananda sitting across from me, joyfully chewing
tentacled things that oozed out of her mouth and
wriggled didn't help.

Finally I expressed my distress and needs to Tan-
anda.

"I wondered why you hadn't been eating much,"
she frowned. "But I thought maybe you were on a
diet, or something. I wish you'd spoken up sooner."

"I didn't want to be a bother," I explained lamely.

22

Robert Asprin

"It isn't that," she waved. "It's just that if I had
known two dimensions ago there were half a dozen
humanoid dimensions nearby that we could have
hopped over to. Right now, there's only one that
would fit the bill without us having to go through a
couple of extra dimensions along the way."

"Then let's head for that one," I urged. "The
sooner I eat the better off we'll be." I wasn't exag-
gerating. My stomach was beginning to growl so
loudly it was a serious threat to our disguises.

"Suit yourself," she shrugged, pulling me behind a
row of hedges that tinkled musically in the breeze.
"Personally, though, it's not a dimension I normally
stop in."

Again the alarm sounded in the back of my head,
despite my hunger. "Why not?" I asked suspi-
ciously.

''Because they're weird there—I mean, really
weird," she confided.

Images flashed across my mind of the beings we'd
already encountered. "Weirder than the natives
we've been imitating?" I gulped. "I thought you said
they'd be humanoid?"

"Not weird physically," Tananda chided, taking
my hand. "Weird mentally. You'll see."

"What's the name of the dimension?" I called des-
perately as she closed her eyes to begin our travels.
The scenery around us faded, there was a rush of
darkness, then a new scene burst brightly and noisily
into view.

"Jahk," she answered, opening her eyes since we
were there.

Chapter Four:

" 'Weird' is a relative, not an absolute
term."

—BARON FRANK N. FURTER

You recall my account of our usual modus operandi
on hitting a new dimension? How we would arrive in-
conspicuously and disguise ourselves before mingling
with the natives? Well, however secluded Tananda's
landing point in Jahk might be normally—it wasn't
when we arrived.

As the dimension came into focus it was apparent
that we were in a small park, heavily overgrown with
trees and shrubs. It was not the flora of the place
which caught and held my attention, however, it was
the crowd. What crowd? you might ask. Why, the
one carrying blazing torches and surrounding us, of
course. Oh—that crowd!

Well, to be completely honest, they weren't actu-
ally surrounding us. They were surrounding the con-
traption we were standing on. I had never really
known what a contraption was when Aahz had used

23

24

MYTH DIRECTIONS         25

Robert Asprin

the word in conversation, and being Aahz he
wouldn't define the word when I asked him to. Now
that I was here, however, I recognized one on sight.
The thing we were standing on had to be a contrap-
tion.

It was some sort of wagon—in that it was large and
had four wheels. Beyond that I couldn't tell much
about it, because it was completely covered by tufts
of colored paper. That's right, I said paper—light
fluffy stuff that would be nice if you had a cold,
runny nose. But this paper was mostly yellow and
blue. Looming over us was some kind of monstrous,
dummy warrior complete with helmet—also covered
with tufts of blue and yellow paper.

Of all the things that had flashed across my mind
when Tananda warned me that the Jahks were weird,
the one thing that had not occurred to me was that
they were blue-and-yellow-paper freaks.

"Get off the float!"

This last was shouted at us from someone in the
crowd.

"I beg your pardon," I shouted back.

"The float! Get off of it!"

"C'mon, handsome," Tananda hissed, hooking
my elbow in hers.

Together we leaped to the ground. As it turned out
we were barely in time. With a bloodthirsty howl,
the crowd surged forward and tossed their torches
Onto the contraption we had so recently abandoned.
In moments it was a mass of flames the heat of which
warmed the already overheated crowd. They danced
and sang, joyfully oblivious to the destruction of the
contraption.

Edging away from the scene, I realized with horror
that it was being duplicated throughout the park.
Wherever I looked there were bonfires set on con-
traptions, and jubilant crowds.

"I think we arrived at a bad time," I observed.

"What makes you say that?" Tananda asked.

"Little things," I explained, "like the fact they're
in the middle of torching the town."

"I don't think so," my companions shrugged.
"When you torch a town you don't usually start with
the parks."

"Okay, then you tell me just what they're doing."

"As far as I can tell, they're celebrating."

"Celebrating what?"

"Some kind of victory. As near as I can tell, every-
one's shouting—we won! we won!"

I surveyed the blazes again. "I wonder what they'd
do if they lost?"

Just then a harried-looking individual strode up to
us. His no-nonsense, business-like manner was an
island of sanity in a sea of madness. I didn't like it.
Not that I have anything against sanity, mind you.
It's just that up 'til now we had been pretty much ig-
nored. I feared that was about to change.

"Here's your pay," he said brusquely, handing us
each a pouch. "Turn in your costume at the Trophy
Building." With that he was gone, leaving us open-
mouthed and holding the bags.

"What was that all about?" I managed to say.

"Beats me," Tananda admitted. "They lost me
when they called that contraption a float."

"Then I'm right! It is a contraption," I exclaimed
with delight. "I knew they had to be wrong; a float is
airtight and won't sink in water."

"I thought it was made with ice cream and ginger-
ale?" Tananda frowned.

"With what and what?" I blinked.

"Great costumes—really great!" someone shouted
to us as they staggered by.

"Time to do something about our disguises,"
Tananda murmured as she waved to the drunk.

"Right,"'! nodded, glad we could agree on some-
thing.

26           Robert Asprin

The disguises should have been easy after my re-
cent experience in other dimensions. I mean the
Jahks were humanoid and I had lots of ready models
to work from. Unfortunately I encountered prob-
lems.

The first was pride. Despite the teeming masses
around us, I couldn't settle on two individuals whose
appearance I wanted to duplicate. I never considered
myself particularly vain; I've never considered myself
as being in top physical condition—of course, that
was before I arrived in Jahk.

Every being I could see was extremely off-weight—
either over or under. If a specific individual wasn't
ribs-protruding thin to the point of looking brittle,
he was laboring along under vast folds of fat which
bunched and bulged at waist, chin and all four
cheeks. Try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to
alter Tananda or myself to look like these wretched

specimens.

My second problem was that I couldn't concen-
trate, anyway. Disguise spells, like any other magik,
require a certain amount of concentration. In the
past I've been able to cast spells in the heat of battle
or embarrassment. In our current situation I couldn't
seem to get my mind focused.

You see there was this song—well, I think it was a
song. Anyway the crowd acted like it was singing a
rhythmic chant; the chant was incredibly catchy.
Even in the short time we'd been there I'd almost
mastered the lyrics—which is a tribute to the infec-
tious nature of the song rather than any indication of
my ability to learn lyrics. The point is that every time
I tried concentrating on our disguises, I found myself
singing along with the chant instead. Terrific!

"Any time you're ready, handsome."

"What's that, Tananda?"

"The disguises," she prompted, glancing about

MYTH DIRECTIONS          27

nervously. "The spell will work better when you
aren't humming."

"I—er, urn—I can't seem to find two good
models," I alibi'd lamely.

"Are you having trouble counting up to two all of
a sudden?" she scowled. "By my count you've got a
whole parkful of models."

"But none I want to look like—want us to look
like," I amended quickly.

"Check me on this," Tananda said, pursing her
lips. "Two days ago you disguised us as a pair of
slimy slugs, right?"

"Yes, but—"

"And before that as eight-legged dogs?"

"Well, yes, but—"

"And you never complained about how you
looked in your disguise then, right?"

"That was different," I protested.

"How? "she challenged.

"Those were—well, things! These are humanoids
and I know what humanoids should look like."

"What they should look like isn't important," my
guide argued. "What matters is what they do look
like. We've got to blend with the crowd—and the
sooner the better."

"But—" I began.

"Because if we don't," she continued sternly,
"we're going to run into someone who's both sober
and unpreoccupied—which will give us the choice be-
tween being guest-of-honor at the next bonfire they
light or skipping this dimension before you've had
anything to eat."

"I'll try again," I sighed, scanning the crowd once
more.

In a desperate effort to comply with Tananda's
order, I studied the first two individuals my eyes fell
on, then concentrated on duplicating their appear-

28 Robert Asprin

ance without really considering how they looked.

"Not bad," Tananda commented dryly, surveying
her new body. "Of course, I always thought I looked
better as a woman."

"You want a disguise, you get a disguise," I grum-
bled.

"Hey, handsome," my once-curvaceous comrade
breathed, laying a soft, but hairy, hand on my arm.
"Relax, we're on the same side. Remember?"

My anger melted away at her touch—as always.
Maybe someday I'll develop an immunity to Tan-
anda's charms. Until then I'll just enjoy them.
"Sorry, Tanda," I apologized. "Didn't mean to
snap at you—log it off to hunger."

"That's right," she exclaimed, clicking her fin-
gers, "we're supposed to be finding you some food.
It completely slipped my mind again what with this
racket going on. C'mon, let's see what the blue-plate
special is today."

Finding a place to eat turned out to be more of a
task than either of us anticipated. Most of the restau-
rants we came across were either closed or only serv-
ing drinks. I half-expected Tananda to suggest that
we drink our meal, but mercifully that possibility
wasn't mentioned.

We finally located a little sidewalk cafe down a
narrow street and elbowed our way to a small table,
ignoring the glares of our fellow diners. Service was
slow, but my companion sped things up a bit by
emptying the contents of one of our pouches onto the
tabletop thus attracting the waiter's attention. In
short order we were presented with two bowls of
steaming whatever. I didn't even try to identify the
various lumps and crunchies. It smelled good and
tasted better and after several days of enforced
fasting, that was all that mattered to me. I glutted
myself and was well into my second bowl by the time
Tananda finished her first. Pushing the empty dish

MYTH DIRECTIONS         29

away she began to study the crowd on the street with
growing interest.

"Have you figured out yet what's going on?" she
asked.

"Murppg!" I replied through a mouthful of food.

"Hmmm?" she frowned.

"I can't tell for sure," I said, swallowing hard.
"Everybody's happy because they won something,
but darned if I can hear what they won."

"Well," Tananda shrugged. "I warned you they
were weird."

Just then the clamor in the streets soared to new
heights, drowning out any efforts at individual con-
versation. Craning our necks in an effort to locate
the source of the disturbance, we beheld a strange
phenomenon. A wall-to-wall mob of people was
marching down the street, chanting in unison and
sweeping along, or trampling, any smaller groups it
encountered. Rather than expressing anger or resent-
ment at this intrusion, the people around us were
jumping up and down and cheering, hugging each
other with tears of pure joy in their eyes. The focus
of everyone's attention seemed to be sitting on a litter
borne aloft by the stalwarts at the head of the crowd.
I was fortunate enough to get a look at it as it passed
by—fortunate in that I could see it without having to
move. The crowds were such that I couldn't move if
I'd wanted to, so it was just as well that it passed
close by.

To say they carried a statue would be insufficient.
It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life and
that included everything I'd just seen on this trip with
Tananda. It was small, roughly twice the size of my
head, and depicted a large, four-legged toad holding
a huge eyeball in its mouth. Along its back, instead
of warts, were the torsos, heads and arms of tiny
Jahks intertwined in truly grotesque eroticism. These
figures were covered with the warty protrusions one

30 Robert Asprin

would expect to have found on the toad itself. As a
crowning touch, the entire thing had a mottled gold
finish which gave the illusion of splotches crawling
back and forth on the surface.

I was totally repulsed by the statue, but it was ob-
vious the crowd around me did not share these feel-
ings. They swept forward in a single wave, joining
the mob and adding their voices to the chant which
could still be heard long after the procession had
vanished from sight. Finally we were left in relative
quiet on a street deserted save for a few random
bodies of those not swift enough to either join or
evade the mob.

"Well," I said casually, clearing my throat. "I
guess we know what they won, now. Right?"

There was no immediate response. I shot a sharp
glance at my companion and found her staring down
the street after the procession.

"Tanda," I repeated, slightly concerned.

"That's it," she said with sudden, impish glee.

"That's what? "I blinked.

"Aahz's birthday present," she proclaimed.

I peered down the street, wondering what she was
looking at. "What is?" I asked.

"That statue," she said firmly.

"That statue?" I cried, unable to hide my horror.

"Of course," she nodded, "it's perfect. Aahz will
have never seen one, much less owned one."

"How do you figure that?" I pressed.

"It's obviously one-of-a-kind," she explained. "I
mean, who could make something like that twice?"

She had me there, but I wasn't about to give up the
fight. "There's just one little problem. I'm no expert
on psychology, but if that pack we just saw is any de-
cent sample, I don't think the folks around here are
going to be willing to sell us their pretty statue."

"Of course not, silly," she laughed, turning to her

MYTH DIRECTIONS         31

food again. "That's what makes it priceless. I never
planned to buy Aahz's present."

"But if it isn't for sale. how do we get it?" I
frowned, fearing the answer.

Tananda choked suddenly on her food. It took me
a moment to realize she was laughing. "Oh,
Skeeve," she gasped at last, "you're such a kidder."

"I am?" I blinked.

"Sure," she insisted, looking deep into my eyes.
"Why do you think it was so important for you to
come along on this trip. I mean, you've always said
you wanted to be a thief."

Chapter Five:

"Nothing is impossible. Anything can
be accomplished with proper prepa-
ration and planning."

— PONCEDELEON

IT was roughly twelve hours later, the start of a new
day. We were still in Jahk. I was still protesting. At
the very least, I was sure this latest madcap project
was not in line with Aahz's instructions to stay out of
trouble.

Tananda, on the other hand, insisted that it would
not be any trouble—or it might not be any trouble.
We wouldn't know for sure until we saw what kind
of security the locals had on the statue. In the mean-
time, why assume the worst?

I took her advice. I assumed the best. I assumed
the security would be impenetrable and that we'd
give the whole idea up as a lost cause.

So it was, with different but equally high hopes, we
set out in search of the statue.

The town was deathly still in the early morning
light. Apparently everyone was sleeping off the prior
night's festivities—which seemed a reasonable pas-

32

MYTH DIRECTIONS         33

time, all things considered.

We did manage to find one open restaurant, how-
ever. The owner was wearily shoveling out the rubble
left by the celebrating crowds, and grudgingly agreed
to serve us breakfast.

I had insisted on this before setting out. I mean,
worried or not. it takes more than one solid meal to
counterbalance the effects of a three-day stretch
without food.

"So," I declared once we were settled at the table.
"How do we go about locating the statue?"

"Easy," Tananda winked. "I'll ask our host a few
subtle questions when he serves our food."

As if summoned by her words, the owner appeared
with two steaming plates of food, which he plopped
on the table in front of us with an unceremonious
klunk.

"Thanks," I nodded, and was answered with an
unenthusiastic grunt.

"Say, could we ask you a couple questions?"
Tananda purred.

"Such as?" the man responded listlessly.

"Such as where do they keep the statue?" she
asked bluntly.

I choked on my food. Tananda's idea of interroga-
tion is about as subtle as a flogging. I keep forgetting
she's a long standing drinking partner of Aahz's.

"The statue?" our host frowned.

"The one that was being carried up and down the
streets yesterday," Tananda clarified easily.

"Oh! You mean the Trophy,19 the man laughed.
"Statue. Hey, that's a good one. You two must be
new in town."

"You might say that," I confirmed dryly. I had
never been that fond of being laughed at—particu-
larly early in the morning.

"Statue, trophy, what's the difference," Tananda
shrugged. "Where is it kept?"

34 Robert Asprin

"It's on public display in the Trophy Building, of
course," the owner informed us. "If you want to see
it, you'd best get started early. After five years,
everyone in the city's going to be showing up for a
look-see."

"How far is it to—" Tananda began, but I inter-
rupted her.

"You have a whole building for trophies?" I asked
with forced casualness. "How many trophies are
there?"

"Just the one," our host announced. "We put up
a building especially for it. You two must really be
new not to know that."

"Just got in yesterday," I confirmed. "Just to
show you how new we are, we don't even know what
the trophy's for."

"For?" the man gaped. "Why, it's for winning the
Big Game, of course."

"What big game?"

The question slipped out before I thought. It burst
upon the conversation like a bombshell, and our host
actually gave ground a step in astonishment. Tan-
anda nudged my foot warningly under the table, but
I had already realized I had made a major blunder.

"I can see we have a lot to learn about your city,
friend," I acknowledged smoothly. "If you have the
time, we'd appreciate your joining us in a glass of
wine. I'd like to hear more about this Big Game."

"Say, that's nice of you," our host declared,
brightening noticeably. "Wait right here. I'll fetch
the wine."

"What was that all about?" Tananda hissed as
soon as he had moved out of earshot.

"I'm after some information," I retorted. "Spe-
cifically, about the Trophy."

"I know that," she snapped. "The question is
'Why?' "

"As a thief," I explained loftily, "I feel I should

MYTH DIRECTIONS         35

know as much as possible about what I'm trying to
steal."

"Who ever told you that?" Tananda frowned.
"All you want to know about a target item is how big
it is, how heavy it is, and what it will sell for. Then
you study the security protecting it. Learning a lot
about the item itself is a handicap, not an advan-
tage."

"How do you figure that?" I asked, my curiosity
aroused in spite of myself.

My companion rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"Because it'll make you feel guilty," she ex-
plained. "When you find out how emotionally at-
tached the current owner is to the item, or that he'll
be bankrupt without it, or that he'll be killed if it's
stolen, then you'll be reluctant to take it. When you
actually make your move, guilt can make you
hesitate, and hesitant thieves either end up in jail or
dead."

I was going to pursue the subject further, but our
host chose that moment to rejoin us. Balancing a bot-
tle and three glasses in his hands, he hooked an extra
chair over to our table with his foot.

"Here we go," he announced, depositing his load
in front of us. "The best in the house—or the best
that's left after the celebrations. You know how that
is. No matter how much you stock in advance, it's
never enough."

"No, we don't know," I corrected. "I was hoping
you could tell us."

"That's right," he nodded, filling the glasses.
"You know I still can't believe how little you know
about politics."

"Politics?" I blinked. "What does the Big Game
have to do with politics?"

"It has everything to do with politics," our host
proclaimed mightily. "That's the point. Don't you
see?"

36 Robert Asprin

"No," I admitted bluntly.

The man sighed.

"Look," he said, "this land has two potential cap-
itals. One is Veygus, and this one, as you know, is
Ta-hoe."

I hadn't known it, but it seemed unwise to admit
my ignorance. I'm slow, but not dumb.

"Since there can only be one capital at any given
time," our host continued, "the two cities compete
for the privilege each year. The winner is the capital
and gets to be the center of government for the next
year. The Trophy is the symbol of that power, and
Veygus has had it for the last five years. Yesterday we
finally won it back."

"You mean the Big Game decides who's going to
run the land?" I exclaimed, realization dawning at
last. "Excuse my asking, but isn't that a bit silly?"

"No sillier than any other means of selecting gov-
ernmental leadership," the man countered, shrug-
ging his bony shoulders. "It sure beats going to war.
Do you think it's a coincidence that we've been play-
ing the game for five hundred years and there hasn't
been a civil war in that entire time?"

"But if the Big Game has replaced civil war, then
what—" I began, but Tananda interrupted.

"I hate to interrupt," she interrupted, "but if
we're going to beat the crowds, we'd better get going.
Where did you say the Trophy Building was, again?"

"One block up and six blocks to the left," our host
supplied. "You'll know it by the crowds. I'll set the
rest of the bottle aside and we can finish it after
you've seen the Trophy."

"We'd appreciate that," Tananda smiled, paying
him for our meal.

Apparently she had succeeded in using the right
currency, for the owner accepted it without batting
an eye and waved a fond farewell as we started off.

"I was hoping to find out more about this Big

MYTH DIRECTIONS         37

Game," I grumbled as we passed out of earshot.

"No, you weren't," my guide corrected.

"I wasn't? "I frowned.

"No. You were getting involved," she pointed out.
"We're here to get a birthday present, not to get em-
broiled in local politics."

"I wasn't getting involved," I protested. "I was
just trying to get a little information."

Tananda sighed heavily.

"Look, Skeeve," she said, "take some advice
from an old dimension traveler. Too much informa-
tion is poison. Every dimension has its problems, and
if you start learning the gruesome details, it occurs to
you how simple it would be to help out. Once you see
a problem and a solution, you feel almost obligated
to meddle. That always leads to trouble, and we're
supposed to be avoiding trouble this trip, remem-
ber?"

I almost pointed out the irony of her advising me
to avoid trouble while en route to engineer a theft.
Then it occurred to me that if the theft didn't bother
her, but local politics did, I might be wise to heed her
advice. As I've said, I'm slow, but not dumb.

As predicted, the Trophy Building was crowded
despite the early hour. As we approached, I marveled
anew at the physique of the natives—or specifically,
the lack thereof.

Tananda did not seem to share my fascination with
the natives, and threaded her way nimbly through the
throng, leaving me to follow behind. There was no
organized line, and by the time we got through one of
the numerous doors, the throng was thick enough to
impede our progress. Tananda continued making her
way closer to the Trophy, but I stopped just inside
the door. My advantage of height gave me a clear
view of the Trophy from where I was.

If anything, it was uglier seen plainly than it had
been viewed from a distance.

38 Robert Asprin

"Isn't it magnificent?" the woman standing next
to me sighed.

It took me a moment to realize she was speaking to
me. My disguise made me look shorter, and she was
talking to my chest.

"I've never seen anything like it," I agreed lamely.

"Of course not," she frowned. "It's the last work
done by the great sculptor Watgit before he went
mad."

It occurred to me that the statue might have been
done after he went mad. Then it occurred to me that
it might have driven him mad—especially if he had
been working from a live model. I became so lost in
the horrible thought that I started nervously when
Tananda reappeared at my side and touched my arm.

"Let's go, handsome," she murmured. "I've seen
enough."

The brevity of her inspection gave me hope.

"There's no hope, eh?" I sighed dramatically.
"Gee, that's tough. I had really been looking for-
ward to testing my skills."

"That's good," she purred, taking my arm.
"Because I think I see a way we can pull this caper
off."

I wasn't sure what a caper was, but I was certain
that once I found out I wouldn't like it. I was right.

Chapter Six:

"Now you see it, now you don't."

—H. SHADOWSPAWN

"ARE you positive there-was no lock on the door?" I
asked for the twenty-third time.

"Keep it down," Tananda hissed, laying a soft
hand on my lips, though none too gently. "Do you
want to wake everybody?"

She had a point. We were crouched in an alley
across from the Trophy Building, and as the whole
idea of our waiting was to be sure everyone was
asleep, it was counterproductive to make so much
noise we kept them awake. Still, I had questions I
wanted answered.

"You're sure? " I asked again in a whisper.
"Yes, I'm sure," Tananda sighed. "You could
have seen for yourself if you had looked."
"I was busy looking at the statue," I admitted.
"Uh-huh," my partner snorted. "Remember what
I said about getting over-involved with the target?
You were supposed to be checking security, not play-
ing art connoisseur."

39

40           Robert Asprin                                     MYTH DIRECTIONS

41

"Well, I don't like it," I declared suspiciously,
eager to get the conversation off my shortcomings.
"It's too easy. I can't believe they'd leave something
they prize as highly as that Trophy in an unlocked,
unguarded building."

"There are a couple things you've overlooked,"
Tanda chided. "First of all, that statue's one of a
kind. That means any thief who stole it would have
some real problems trying to sell it again. If he even
showed it to anyone here in Ta-hoe, they'd probably
rip his arms off."

"He could hold it for ransom," I pointed out.

"Hey, that's pretty good," my guide exclaimed
softly, nudging me in the ribs. "We'll make a thief of
you yet! However, that brings us to the second thing
you overlooked."

"Which is?"

"It's not unguarded," she smiled.

"But you said—" I began.

"Sshh!" she cautioned. "I said there would be no
guards in the building with the Trophy."

I closed my eyes and regained control of my
nerves, particularly those influenced by blind panic.

"Tanda," I said gently. "Don't you think it's
about time you shared some of the details of your
master plan with me?"

"Sure, handsome," she responded, slipping an
arm around my waist. "I didn't think you were in-
terested."

I resisted an impulse to throttle her.

"Just tell me," I urged. "First off, what is the se-
curity on the Trophy."

"Well," she said, tapping her chin with one finger,
"as I said, there are no guards in the building. There
is, however, a silent alarm that will summon guards.
It's triggered by the nightingale floor."

"The what?" I interrupted.

"The nightingale floor," she repeated. "It's a

fairly common trick throughout the dimensions. The
wooden floor around the Trophy is riddled with de-
liberately loosened boards that creak when you step
on them. In this case, they not only creak, they trip
an alarm."

"Wonderful!" I grimaced. "So we can't set foot
in the room we're supposed to steal something out
of. Anything else?"

I was speaking sarcastically, but Tananda took me
seriously.

"Just the magikal wards around the statue itself,"
she shrugged.

"Magikal wards?" I gulped. "You mean there's
magik in this dimension?"

"Of course there is," Tananda smiled. "You're
here."

"I didn't set any wards," I exclaimed.
"That wasn't what I meant," Tanda chided.
"Look, you tapped into the magikal force lines to dis-
guise us. That means there's magik here for anyone
trained to use it—not just us, anyone. Even if none
of the locals are adept, there's nothing stopping
someone from another dimension from dropping in
and using what's here."

"Okay, okay," I sighed. "I guess I wasn't think-
ing. I guess the next question is, how are we supposed
to beat the funny floor and the wards?"

"Easy," she grinned. "The wards are sloppy.
Someone set up a fence instead of a dome when they
cast the wards. All you have to do is levitate the
Trophy over the wards and float it across the floor
into our waiting arms. We never even have to set foot
in the room."

"Whoa!" I cautioned, holding up a hand.
"There's one problem with that. I can't do it."

"You can't?" she blinked. "I thought levitation
was one of your strongest spells."

"It is," I conceded. "But that statue's heavy. I

42 Robert Asprin

couldn't levitate it from a distance. It has something
to do with what Aahz calls leverage. I'd have to be
close, practically standing on top of it."

"Okay," she said at last. "We'll just have to
switch to Plan B."

"You have a Plan B?" I asked, genuinely im-
pressed.

"Sure," she grinned. "I just made it up. You can
fly us both across th& floor and over the wards. Then
we latch onto the Trophy and fly back to Klah from
inside the wards."

"I don't know," I frowned.

"Now what's wrong?" my guide scowled.

"Well, flying's a form of levitation," I explained.
"I've never tried flying myself and someone else, and
even if I can do it, we'll be pushing down on the floor
as hard as if we were walking on it. It might set the
alarm off."

"If I understand flying," Tanda pondered, "our
weight would be more dispersed than if we were
walking, but you're right. There's no point in taking
the extra risk of flying us both across the floor."

She snapped her fingers suddenly.

"Okay. Here's what we'll do," she exclaimed,
leaning forward. "You fly across to the Trophy
alone while I wait by the door. Then, when you're in
place, you can use the D-Hopper to bring yourself
and the Trophy back to Klah, while I blip back
magikally."

For some reason, the thought of dividing our
forces in the middle of a theft bothered me.

"Say... um, Tanda," I said, "it occurs to me that
even if we set off the alarm, we would be long gone
by the time the guards arrived. I mean, if they
haven't had war for over five hundred years, they're
bound to be a little sloppy turning out."

"No," Tananda countered firmly. "If we've got a
way to completely avoid alerting the guards, we'll

MYTH DIRECTIONS

43

take it. I promised Aahz to keep you out of trouble,
and that means—"

She broke off suddenly, staring across the street.
"What is it?" I hissed, craning my neck for a bet-
ter look.

In response, she pointed silently at the darkened
Trophy Building.

A group of a dozen cloaked figures had appeared
from the shadows beside the building. They looked
briefly up and down the street, then turned and dis-
appeared into the building.

"I thought you said there wouldn't be any guards
in the building!" I whispered frantically.

"I don't understand it," Tananda murmured,
more to herself than to me. "It's not laid out for a
guard force."

"But if there are guards, we can't—" I began, but
Tananda silenced me with a hand on my arm.

The group had reemerged from the building. Mov-
ing more slowly than when we had first seen them,
they edged their way back into the shadows and
vanished from sight.

"That's a relief," Tananda declared, letting out a
pent-up breath. "It's just a pack of drunks sneaking
an after-hours look at the Trophy."

"They didn't act like drunks," I commented
doubtfully.

"C'mon, handsome," my guide declared, clapping
a hand on my shoulder. "It's time we got this show
on the road. Follow me."

Needless to say, I didn't want to go, but I was even
more reluctant to be left behind. This left me no
choice but to follow as she headed across the street.
As I went, though, I took the precaution of fumbling
out my D-Hopper. I didn't like the feel of this, and
wanted to be sure my exit route was at hand in case of
trouble.

"In you go.'" Tananda ordered, holding the door

44 Robert Asprin

open. "Be sure to sing out when you're in position. I
want to be there to see Aahz's face when you give
him the Trophy."

"I can't see anything," I protested, peering into
the dark building.

"Of course not!" Tananda snapped. "It's dark.
You know where the Trophy is, though, so get
going."

At her insistence, I reached out with my mind and
pushed gently against the floor. As had happened a
hundred times in practice, I lifted free and began to
float toward the estimated position of the statue.

As I went, it occurred to me I had neglected to ask
Tananda how high the wards extended. I considered
going back or calling to her, but decided against it.
Noise would be dangerous, and time was precious. I
wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. In-
stead, I freed part of my mind from the task of flying
and cast about in front of me, seeking the tell-tale
aura of the magikal wards. There were none.

"Tanda!" I hissed, speaking before I thought.
' 'The wards are down!"

"Impossible," came her response from the door.
"You must be in the wrong spot. Check again."

I tried again, casting about the full extent of the
room. Nothing. As I peered about, I realized my eyes
were acclimating to the darkness.

"There are no wards," I called softly. "I'm right
over the pedestal and there are no wards."

Something was tugging at my consciousness.
Something I had seen was terribly wrong, but my at-
tention was occupied scanning for the wards.

"If you're over the pedestal," Tananda called,
"then drop down and get the Trophy. And hurry! I
think I hear someone coming."

I lowered myself to the floor, gently as I remem-
bered the creaky boards, and turned to the pedestal.
Then it burst upon me what was wrong.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         45

"It's gone! "I cried.

"What?" Tananda gasped, her silhouette appear-
ing in the doorway.

"The Trophy! It's gone!" I exclaimed, running my
hands over the vacant pedestal.

"Get out, Skeeve," Tananda called, suddenly full
volume.

I started for the door, but her voice stopped me.

"No! UsetheD-Hopper. Now!"

My thumb went to the activator button on the
device I had been clutching, but I hesitated.

"What about you?" I called. "Aren't you com-
ing?"

"After you're gone," she insisted. "Now get
go-"

Something came flying out of the dark and struck
her silhouette. She went down in a boneless heap.

"Tanda!" I shouted, starting forward.

Suddenly the doorway was filled with short sil-
houettes swarming all over Tananda's prone form.

I wavered for a moment in indecision.

"There's another one inside!" someone called.

So much for indecision. I hit the button.

There was the now familiar rush of darkness . . .
and I was back in my quarters on Klah.

Aahz was seated at a table with his back to me, but
he must have heard the KAMF of my arrival.

"It's about time!" he growled. "Did you enjoy
your little—"

He broke off as he turned and his eyes took in the
expression on my face.

"Aahz," I cried, stumbling forward. "We're in
trouble."

His fist came down in a crash which splintered the
table.

"I knew it!" he snarled.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         47

Chapter Seven:

"A friend in need is a pest."

-FAFHRD

"Now let's see if I've got this straight," Aahz grum-
bled, pacing the length of the room. "You got away
without a scratch, but Tanda got caught. Right?"

"I couldn't help it!" I moaned, shaking my head.
"They were all over her and you said—"

"I know, I know," my mentor waved. "You did
the right thing. I'm just trying to get a clear picture of
the situation. You're sure this was in Jahk? The
weird dimension with the short, pale guys? Skinny or

overweight?"

"That's right," I confirmed. "Do you know it?"
"I've heard of it," Aahz shrugged, "but I've never

gotten around to visiting. It's talked around a bit on

the gambling circuit."

"Must be because of the Big Game," I suggested

brightly.

"What I can't figure," Aahz mused, ignoring my
comments, "is what you two were doing there."

46

"Urn ... it was sort of because of me," I admitted
in a small voice.

"You?" Aahz blinked, halting his pacing to stare
at me. "Who told you about Jahk?"

"No one," I clarified hastily. "It wasn't that I
asked to go to Jahk specifically. I was hungry, and
Tanda said Jahk was the closest dimension where I
could find something to eat."

"I know how that is," my mentor grimaced. "Eat-
ing is always a problem when you're traveling the
dimensions—even the humanoid ones."

"It's even rougher when you aren't even visiting
humanoid dimensions," I agreed.

"Is that a fact?" Aahz murmured, eyeing me sus-
piciously. "Which dimensions did you visit, any-
way?"

"Um ... I can't remember all the names," I
evaded. "Tanda—um—felt there would be less
chance of trouble in some of the out of the way
dimensions."

"What did the natives look like?" Aahz pressed.

"Aren't we getting off the subject?" I asked
desperately. "The real issue is Tanda."

Surprisingly, the ploy worked.

"You're right, kid," Aahz sighed. "Okay. I want
you to think hard. You're sure you don't know who
jumped her or why?"

My conversational gambit had backfired. The
question placed me in a real dilemma. On the one
hand, I couldn't expect Aahz to come up with a
rescue plan unless he knew the full situation. On the
other, I wasn't particularly eager to admit what we
were doing when Tananda was captured.

"Um ..." I said, avoiding his eyes. "I think I can
remember a few things about those other dimensions
after all. There was one where ..."

"Wait a minute," Aahz interrupted. "You were
the one who said we should focus on Tanda's prob-

48 Robert Asprin

lem. Now don't go straying off..."

He stopped in mid-sentence to examine me closely.
"You're holding out on me, kid," he announced in a
cold voice that allowed no room for argument.
"Now give! What haven't you told me about this
disaster?"

His words hung expectantly in the air, and it oc-
curred to me I couldn't stall any longer.

"Well..." I began, clearing my throat. "I'm not
sure, but I think the ones who grabbed Tanda were
the city guardsmen."

"Guardsmen?" Aahz frowned. "Why would they
want to put the grab on Tanda? All you were doing
was getting a bite to eat and maybe a little shop-
ping."

I didn't answer, taking a sudden interest in study-
ing my feet in close detail.

"That is all you were doing, wasn't it?"

I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come.

"What were you doing?" Aahz growled. "Come
on. Out with it. I should have known it wasn't just
... Hey! You didn't kill anyone, did you?"

Strong hands closed on my shoulders and my head
was tossed about by a none too gentle shaking.

"We didn't kill anyone!" I shouted, the process
difficult because my jaw was moving in a different
direction than my tongue. "We were just steal-
ing ... "

"Stealing!?!"

The hands on my shoulders released their grip so
fast I fell to the floor. Fortunately, I had the presence
of mind to break my fall with my rump.

"I don't believe it! Stealing!" Aahz made his ap-
peal to the ceiling. "All this because you tried to steal
something."

My rump hurt, but I had other more pressing mat-
ters to deal with. I was desperately trying to phrase

MYTH DIRECTIONS          49

my explanation when I realized with some astonish-
ment that Aahz was laughing.

"Stealing!" he repeated. "You know, you really
had me going for a minute there, kid. Stealing! And I
thought it was something important."

"You mean, you aren't mad?" I asked incred-
ulously.

"Mad? Naw!" he proclaimed. "Like the old say-
ing goes, 'you can take the boy out of thieving' . . .
Heck! Most demons are thieves. It's the only way to
get something if you don't have any native coinage."

"I thought you'd really be upset," I stammered,
still unwilling to believe my good fortune.

"Now, don't get me wrong, kid," my mentor
amended sternly, "I'm not overjoyed with your ven-
ture into thievery. You're supposed to be studying
magik . . . the kind that will get you a raise as a court
magician, not the kind that ends up with you running
down a dark alley. Still, all things considered, you
could have done a lot worse on your first solo trip
through the dimension."

"Gee, thanks, Aahz," I beamed.

"So, let's see it," he smiled, extending a palm.

"See what? "I blinked.

"What you stole," he insisted. "If you came here
direct from the scene of the crime, I assume you still
have it with you."

"Umm . . . actually," I gulped, avoiding his eyes
again. "I—that is, we didn't get it. It's still back in
Jahk somewhere."

"You mean to say you went through all this hassle,
got Tanda captured, and came running back here
with your tail between your legs, and you didn't even
bother to pick up what you were trying to steal?"

The storm clouds were back in Aahz's face. I
realized I was on the brink of being in trouble again.

"But you said ..." I protested.

50 Robert Asprin

"I know you aren't supposed to be a thief!" my
mentor roared. "But once you set your hand to it, I
expect you to at least be a successful thief! To think
an apprentice of mine can't even put together a
workable plan..."

"It was Tanda's plan," I offered weakly.

"It was?" Aahz seemed slightly mollified. "Well,
you should have checked it over yourself before you
joined in."

"I did," I protested. "As far as I can tell it should
have worked."

"Oh, really?" came the sarcastic reply. "All right.
Why don't you tell me all about this plan that didn't
work after you okayed it."

He dragged up a chair and sat in front of me, leav-
ing me little option but to narrate the whole story. I
went over the whole thing for him; the plan, the
nightingale floor, the magik wards, everything—ex-
cept what we were trying to steal, and why. By the
time I had finished, his jeering smile had faded to a
thoughtful frown.

"You're right, kid," he admitted at last. "It
should have worked. The only thing I can figure is
that they moved your target somewhere else for
safekeeping—but that doesn't make sense. I mean,
why would they set up all the security arrangements if
the target was going to be kept somewhere else? And
that group hanging around the building before you
went in sounds a bit suspicious."

He thought for a few more minutes, then sighed
and shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, well," he pro-
claimed. "Nobody wins all the time. It didn't work
and that's that. C'mon, kid. Let's get some sleep."

"Sleep?" I gasped. "What about Tanda?"

"What about her?" Aahz frowned.

"They're holding her prisoner in Jahk!" I ex-
claimed. "Aren't we going to try to rescue her?"

"Oh, that!" my mentor laughed. "Don't worry

MYTH DIRECTIONS         51

about her. She'll be along on her own in a little
while."

"But they're holding her prisoner!" I insisted.

"You think so?" Aahz grinned. "Stop and think a
minute, kid. How are they going to hold her? Re-
member, she can hop dimensions any time she wants.
The only reason she didn't come back at the same
time you did is that she got knocked cold. As soon as
she wakes up, she'll be back. Mark my words."

Something about his logic didn't ring true, but I
couldn't put my finger on it.

"What if they execute her before she wakes up?" I
asked.

"Execute her-?" Aahz frowned. "For what? The
heist didn't work, so they've still got their whatever.
I can't see anyone getting upset enough to have her
executed."

"I dunnp, Aahz," I said. "The whole city seemed
pretty worked up over the Trophy, and ..."

"Trophy?" Aahz interrupted. "You mean the
Trophy from the Big Game? What does that have to
do with anything?"

"That's . . . um, that's what we were trying to
steal," I explained.

"The Trophy?" Aahz exclaimed. "You two didn't
aim small, did you? What did you want with—no, on
second thought don't tell me. That woman's logic
always makes my head hurt."

"But now you see why I'm afraid they might
execute her," I pressed, secretly relieved at not hav-
ing to disclose the motive for our theft.

"It's a possibility," Aahz admitted, "but I still
think they'd let her wake up first. Public trials are
dramatic, especially for something as big as trying to
steal the Big Game Trophy. Heck, Tanda's enough
of a sport that she might even stick around for the
trial before popping back here."

"You really think so?" I pressed.

52 Robert Asprin

"I'm sure of it," Aahz declared confidently.
"Now let's get some sleep. It sounds like it's been a
long day for you."

I grudgingly retired to my bed, but I didn't go to
sleep immediately. There was still something eluding
my mental grasp—something important. As I lay
there, my mind began wandering back over my
trip—the sights, the smells, the strange beings ...

"Aahz!" I shouted, bolting upright. "Aahz!
Wake up!"

"What is it?" my mentor growled sleepily, strug-
gling to rise.

"I just remembered! I was handling our disguises
for the whole trip."

"So what?" Aahz growled. "It's good practice for
you,but..."

"Don't you see?" I insisted. "If I'm here and
Tanda's unconscious in Jahk, then she hasn't got a
disguise! They'll be able to see she isn't one of them
—that she's a demon!"

There was a frozen moment of silence, then Aahz
was on his feet, looming over me.

"Don't just sit there, kid," he growled. "Get the
D-Hopper. We're going to Jahk!"

Chapter Eight:

"Once more into the breach..."
—ZARNA, THE HUMAN CANNONBALL

FORTUNATELY, there was a setting for Jahk on our
D-Hopper though Aahz had to search a bit to find it.

I wanted to go armed to the teeth, but my mentor
vetoed the plan. Under cross-examination I had had
to admit that I hadn't seen anyone in that dimension
wearing arms openly except the city guards, and that
was that. My ability to disguise things was weak
when it came to metal objects, and swords and knives
would have made us awfully conspicuous walking
down the street. As Aahz pointed out, the one time
you don't want to wear weapons is when they're
more likely to get you into trouble than out of it.

I hate it when Aahz makes sense.

Anyway, aside from a few such minor squabbles
and disputes, our departure from Klah and our sub-
sequent arrival at Jahk was smooth and uneventful.
In hindsight, I realize that was the last thing to go
right for some time.

53

54 Robert Asprin

"Well, kid," Aahz exclaimed, looking about him
eagerly, "where do we go?"

"I don't know," I admitted, scanning the horizon.

Aahz frowned. "Let me run this by you slowly,"
he sighed. "You've been here before, and I haven't.
Now, even your limited brain should realize that that
makes you the logical guide. Got it?"

"But I haven't been here before," I protested.
"Not here! When Tanda and I arrived, we were in a
park in Ta-hoe!"

At the moment, Aahz and I were standing beside a
dirt road, surrounded by gently rolling meadows and
a scattering of very strange trees. There wasn't even
an outhouse in sight, much less the booming metro-
polis I had visited.

"Don't tell me, let me guess," Aahz whispered,
shutting his eyes as if in pain. "Tanda handled your
transport on the way in the first time. Right?"

"That's right," I nodded. "You made me promise
to keep the D-Hopper set for Klah, and...."

"I know, I know," my mentor waved impatiently.
"I must say, though, you pick the damnedest times
to be obedient. Okay! So the D-Hopper's set for a
different drop zone than the one Tanda uses. We'll
just have to dig up a native guide to get us oriented."

"Terrific!" I grimaced. "And where are we sup-
posed to find a native guide?"

"How about right over there?" Aahz smirked,
pointing.

I followed the line of his extended talon. Sure
enough, not a stone's throw away was a small pond
huddled in the shade of a medium sized tree. Seated,
leaning against the tree, was a young native. The only
thing that puzzled me was that he was holding one
end of a short stick, and there was a string which ran
from the stick's other end to the pond.

"What's he doing?" I asked suspiciously.

"From here, I'd say he's fishing," Aahz pro-
claimed.

MYTH DIRECTIONS          55

"Fishing? Like that?" I frowned. "Why doesn't
he just... "

"I'll explain later," my mentor interrupted.
"Right now we're trying to get directions to Ta-hoe.
Remember?"

"That's right!" I nodded. "Let's go."

I started forward, only to be stopped short by
Aahz's heavy hand on my shoulder.

"Kid," he sighed, "aren't you forgetting some-
thing?"

"What? "I blinked.

"Our disguises, dummy," he snarled. "Your lazy
old teacher would like to be able to ask our questions
without chasing him all around the landscape for the
answers."

"Oh .'Right, Aahz."

Embarrassed by the oversight, I hastily did my
disguise bit, and together we approached the dozing
native.

"Excuse me, sir," I began, clearing my throat,
"can you tell us the way to Ta-hoe?"

"What are you doing out here?" the youth
demanded, without opening his eyes. "Don't you
know the land between Veygus and Ta-hoe is a no-
man's-land until the war's over?"

"What did he say?" Aahz scowled.

"What was that?" the youth asked, his eyes snap-
ping open.

For a change, my mind grasped the situation in-
stantly. I was still wearing my translator pendant
from my travels with Tananda, but Aahz didn't have
one. That meant that while I could understand and
be understood by both Aahz and the native, neither
of them could decipher what the other was saying.
Our disguise was in danger of being discovered by the
first native we'd met on our rescue mission. Terrific.

"Umm. Excuse me a moment, sir," I stammered
at the youth.

Thinking fast, I removed the pendant from around

56 Robert Asprin

my neck and looped it over my arm. Aahz under-
stood at once, and thrust his hand through the pen-
dant, grasping my forearm with an iron grip. Thus,
we were both able to utilize the power of the pendant.

Unfortunately, the native noticed this by-play. His
eyes, which had opened at the sound of Aahz's voice,
now widened to the point of popping out as he
looked from one of us to the other.

"Fraternity initiation," Aahz explained con-
spiratorially, winking at him.

"A what? "I blinked.

"Later, kid," my mentor mumbled tensely. "Get
the conversation going again."

"Right. Ummm ... what was that you were saying
about a war?"

"I was saying you shouldn't be here," the youth
replied, regaining some of his bluster, but still eyeing
the pendant suspiciously. "Both sides have declared
this area off-limits to civilians until after the war's
over."

"When did this war start?" I asked.

"Oh, it won't actually start for a week or so," the
native shrugged. "We haven't had a war for over five
hundred years and everyone's out of practice. It'll
take them a while to get ready—but you still
shouldn't be here."

"Well, what are you doing here?" Aahz chal-
lenged. "You don't look like a soldier to me."

"My dad's an officer," the youth yawned. "If a
Ta-hoer patrol finds me out here, I'll just tell 'em
who my father is and they'll keep their mouths
shut."

"What if a patrol from Veygus finds you?" I
asked curiously.

"The Veygans?" he laughed incredulously.
"They're even more unprepared than Ta-hoe is.
They haven't even got their uniforms designed yet,
much less organized enough to send out patrols."

MYTH DIRECTIONS          57

"Well, we appreciate the information," Aahz an-
nounced. "Now if you'll just point out the way to
Ta-hoe, we'll get ourselves off your battlefield."

"The way to Ta-hoe?" the youth frowned. "You
don't know the way to Ta-hoe? That's strange."

"What's strange?" my mentor challenged. "So
we're new around here. So what?"

The youth eyed him passively.

"It's strange," he observed calmly, "because that
road only runs between Veygus and Ta-hoe. Perhaps
you can explain how it is that you're traveling a road
without knowing either where you're going or where
you're coming from?"

There was a moment of awkward silence, then I
withdrew my arm from the translator pendant.

"Well, Aahz," I sighed, "how do we talk our way
out of this one?"

"Put your arm back in the pendant," Aahz hissed.
"He's getting suspicious."

"He's already suspicious," I pointed out. "The
question is what do we do now?"

"Nothing to it," my mentor winked. "Just watch
howl handle this."

In spite of my worries, I found myself smiling in
eager anticipation. Nobody can spin a lie like Aahz
once he gets rolling.

"The explanation is really quite simple," Aahz
smiled, turning to the youth. "You see, we're magi-
cians who just dropped in from another world. Hav-
ing just arrived here, we are naturally disoriented."

"My, what a clever alibi," I commented dryly.

Aahz favored me with a dirty look.

"As I was saying," he continued, "we have come
to offer our services to the glorious city of Ta-hoe for
the upcoming war."

It occurred to me that that last statement was a
little suspicious. I mean, we had clearly not known
about the war at the beginning of this conversation.

58 Robert Asprin

Fortunately, the youth overlooked this minor detail.

"Magicians?" he smiled skeptically. "You don't
look like magicians to me."

"Show him, kid," Aahz instructed.

"Show him? "I blinked.

"That's right," my mentor nodded. "Drop the
disguises, one at a time."

With a shrug, I slipped my arm back into the trans-
lator pendant and let my disguise fall away.

"I am Skeeve," I announced, "and this"—I
dropped Aahz's disguise—"is my friend and fellow
magician, Aahz."

The effect on the youth couldn't have been greater
if we had lit a fire under him. Dropping his pole, he
sprang to his feet and began backing away until I was
afraid he'd topple into the pond. His eyes were wide
with fright, and his mouth kept opening and shut-
ting, though no sounds came forth.

"That's enough, kid," Aahz winked. "He's con-
vinced."

I hastily reassembled the disguises, but it did little
to calm the youth.

"Not a bad illusion, eh, sport?" my mentor leered
at him.

"I ... I ..." the youth stammered. Then he
paused and set his lips. "Ta-hoe's that way."

"Thanks," I smiled. "We'll be on our way now."

"Not so fast, kid," Aahz waved. "What's your
name, son?"

"Griffin ... sir," the youth replied uneasily.

"Well, Griffin," Aahz smiled, "how would you
like to show us the way?"

"Why? "I asked bluntly.

"Wake up, kid," my mentor scowled. "We can't
just leave him here. He knows who and what we
are."

"I know," I commented archly. "You told him."

"... and besides," he continued as if I hadn't

MYTH DIRECTIONS          59

spoken, "he's our passport if we meet any Army
patrols."

"I'd rather not... " Griffin began.

"Of course," Aahz interrupted. "There is another
possibility. We could kill him here and now."

"I insist you let me escort you!" the youth pro-
claimed.

"Welcome, comrade!" I beamed.

"See, kid?" my mentor smiled, clapping me on the
shoulder. "I told you you could settle things without
my help."

"Ummm . . . there is one thing, though," Griffin
commented hesitantly.

"And that is ..." Aahz prompted.

"I hope you won't hold it against me if your serv-
ices aren't accepted," the youth frowned.

"You doubt our powers?" my mentor scowled in
his most menacing manner.

"Oh, it's not that," Griffin explained quickly.
"It's just that.. . you see ... well, we already have a
magician."

"Is that all?" Aahz laughed. "Just leave him to
us."

When Aahz says "us" in regard to magik, he
means me. However bad things had gone so far, I
had an uncomfortable foreboding they were going to
get worse.

Chapter Nine:

"War may be Hell. .. but it's good for
business!"

—THE ASSOCIATION FOR
MERCHANTS, MANUFACTURERS,
AND MORTICIANS

TA-HOE was a beehive of activity when we arrived.
Preparations for the upcoming war were in full
swing, and everybody was doing something. Surpris-
ingly enough, most of the preparations were of a
non-military nature.

"What is all this?" I asked our native guide.

"I told you," he explained. "We're getting ready
for a war with Veygus."

"This is getting ready for a war?" I said, gazing in-
credulously about.

"Sure," Griffin nodded. "Souvenirs don't make
themselves, you know."

There wasn't a spear or uniform in sight. Instead,
the citizens were busily producing pennants, posters,
and lightweight shirts with "Win the War" em-
blazoned across them.

"It's the biggest thing to hit Ta-hoe in my life-
time," our guide confided. "I mean. Big Game sou-

60

MYTH DIRECTIONS         61

venirs are a stock item. If you design it right, you can
even hang on to any overstock and sell it the fol-
lowing year. This war thing caught everybody flat-
footed. A lot of people are complaining that they
weren't given sufficient warning to cash in on it.
There's a resolution before the council right now to
postpone hostilities for another month. The folks
who deal in knitted hats and stadium blankets are
behind it. They claim that declaring war on such
short notice will hurt their businesses by giving unfair
advantage to the merchants who handle stuff like
bumper stickers and posters that can be cranked out
in a hurry."

I couldn't understand most of what he was talking
about, but Aahz was enthralled.

"These folks really know how to run a war!" he
declared with undisguised enthusiasm. "Most dimen-
sions make their war profits off munitions and
weapons contracts. I'll tell you, kid, if we weren't in
such a hurry, I'd take notes."

It's a rare thing for Aahz to show admiration for
anyone, much less a whole dimension, and I'd never
before heard him admit there was anything he could
learn about making money. I found the phenomenon
unnerving.

"Speaking of being in a hurry," I interjected,
"would you mind telling me why we're on our way to
talk to Ta-hoe's magician?"

"That's easy," my mentor smiled. "For the most
part, magicians stick together. There's a loyalty to
others in the same line of work that transcends any
national or dimensional ties. With any luck, we can
enlist his aid in springing Tanda loose."

"That's funny," I observed dryly. "The magicians
I've seen so far were usually at each other's throats. I
got the definite impression they'd like nothing better
than to see competing magicians, and us specifically,
expire on the spot."

62

Robert Asprin

MYTH DIRECTIONS 63

"There is that possibility," Aahz admitted, "but
look at it this way. If he won't help us, then he'll
probably be our major opponent and we'll want to
get a fix on what he can and can't do before we make
our plans. Either way, we want to see him as soon as
possible."

You may have noticed Aahz's appraisals of a situa-
tion are usually far from reassuring. Some day I
might get used to that, but in the meantime I'm learn-
ing to operate in a constant state of blind panic.

For a moment, our path was blocked by a crowd
listening to a young rabble-rouser who spoke to them
from atop a jury-rigged platform. As near as I could
make out, they were protesting the war.

"I tell you, the council is withholding information
from us!"

A growl arose from the assemblage.

"As citizens of Ta-hoe, we have the right to know
the facts about this war!"

The response was louder and more fevered.

"How are we supposed to set the odds for this war,
much less bet intelligently, if we don't know the
facts?"

The crowd was nearing frenzied hysterics as we
finally edged past.

"Who are these people?" I asked.

"Bookies," Griffin shrugged. "The councii'd bet-
ter watch its step. They're one of the strongest lob-
bies in Ta-hoe."

"I tell you, it's awe-inspiring," Aahz murmured
dreamily.

"We've got to stand up for our rights! Demand the
facts!" the rabble-rouser was screaming. "We've got
to know the lineups, the battle plans, the... "

"They're barking up the wrong tree," Griffin
commented. "They haven't gotten the information
because the military hasn't devised a plan yet."

"Why don't you tell them?" I suggested.

Our guide cocked an eyebrow at me. "I thought
you were in a hurry to see the magician," he coun-
tered.

"Oh, that's right," I returned, a little embarrassed
by the oversight.

"Say, Griffin," Aahz called. "I've been meaning
to ask. What started the war, anyway?"

For the first time since we'd met him, our youthful
guide showed an emotion other than boredom or
fear.

"Those bastards from Veygus stole our Trophy,"
he snarled angrily. "Now we're going to get it back
or know the reason why."

For a change, I didn't need an elbow in the ribs
from Aahz to remember to keep quiet. I got one
anyway.

"Stole your Trophy, eh?" my mentor commented
innocently. "Know how they did it?"

"A pack of 'em pulled a hit-and-run raid the day
after the Big Game," Griffin proclaimed bitterly.
"They struck just after sundown and got away
before the guardsmen could respond to the alarm."

The memory of the group entering and leaving the
Trophy Building while Tananda and I waited flashed
across my mind. That explained a couple questions
that had been bothering me, like "where did the
statue go?" and "how did the guards arrive so fast?"
We hadn't triggered any alarms! The group from
Veygus had—inadvertently setting us up for the
guards!

"I'd think you'd take better care of the Trophy, if
it means so much to you," Aahz suggested.

Griffin spun on him, and I thought for a minute he
was actually going to throw a punch. Then, at the last
moment, he remembered that Aahz was a magician
and dropped his arms to his side. I heaved a quiet
sigh of relief. I mean, Aahz is strong! I was im-
pressed with his strength in my own dimension of

64 Robert Asprin

Klah, and here on Jahk, / looked strong compared to
the natives. If Griffin had thrown a punch, Aahz
would have ripped him apart ... literally!

"Our security precautions on the Trophy were
more than adequate," our guide announced levelly,
"under normal circumstances. The thieves had magi-
kal assistance."

"Magikal assistance?" I said, finally drawn from
my silence.

"That's right." Griffin nodded vigorously. "How
else could they have moved such a heavy statue
before the guards arrived?"

"They could have done it without magik," Aahz
offered. "Say, if they had a lot of strong men on the
job."

"Normally, I'd agree with you," our guide ad-
mitted, "but in this case, we actually captured the
demon that helped them."

For a long moment there was silence. Neither Aahz
nor I wanted to ask the next question. We were afraid
of what the answer might be. Finally, Aahz spoke.
"A demon, you say?" he asked, smiling his broad-
est. "What happened to it?"

His tone was light and casual, but there was a glint
in his eye I didn't like. I found myself in the unique
position of worrying about the fate of an entire
dimension.

"The demon?" Griffin frowned. "Oh, the magi-
cian's holding it captive. Maybe he'll let you see it
when you meet him."

"The magician? The one we're going to see?"
Aahz pressed. "He's got the demon?"

"That's right," our guide answered. "Why do you
ask?"

"Is she still unconscious?" I blurted.

The elbow from Aahz almost doubled me over this
time, but it was too late. Griffin had stopped in his
tracks and was studying me with a new intensity.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         65

"How did you know it was unconscious?" he
asked suspiciously. "And why do you refer to it as
•she'?"

"I don't know," I covered smoothly. "Must have
been something you said."

"I said we'd captured a demon," he argued, "not
how, and as far as its sex goes..."

"Look," Aahz interrupted harshly, "are we going
to stand around arguing all day, or are you going to
take us to the magician?"

Griffin stared at us hard for a moment, then
shrugged his shoulders.

"We're here," he announced, pointing at a door in
the wall. "The magician lives there."

"Well, don't just stand there, son," Aahz barked.
"Knock on the door and announce us."

Our guide heaved a sigh of disgust', but obediently
walked over and hammered on the indicated door.

"Aahz!" I hissed. "What are we going to say?"

"Leave it to me, kid," he murmured back. "I'll
try to feel him out a little, then we'll play it by ear
from there."

"What are we supposed to do with our ears?" I
frowned.

Aahz rolled his eyes. "Kid ..." he began.

Just then, the door opened, exposing a wizened old
man who blinked at the sunlight.

"Griffin!" he exclaimed. "What brings you
here?"

"Well, sir," our guide stammered, "I—that is,
there are two gentlemen who want to speak with you.
They say... Well, they're magicians."

The old man started at this and shot a sharp glance
in our direction before he covered his reaction with a
friendly smile.

"Magicians, you say! Well, come right in, gentle-
men. Lad, I think you'd better wait outside here.
Professional secrets and all that, you know."

66 Robert Asprin

"Urn . . . actually, I thought I'd be on my way
now," Griffin murmured uneasily.

"Wait here." There was steel in the old man's
voice now.

"Yes, sir," our guide gulped, licking his lips.

I tried to hide my nervousness as we followed the
magician into his abode. I mean, aside from the fact
that we didn't have the vaguest idea of this man's
power, and that we had no guarantee we'd ever get
out of this place alive, I had nothing to worry about.
Right?

"Aahz," I whispered. "Have you got a fix on this
guy yet?"

"It's a little early to say," my mentor replied sar-
castically. "In the meantime, I've got a little assign-
ment for you."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like, check his aura. Now."

One of the first things I had learned from Aahz
was how to check auras, the field of magik around
people or things. It seemed a strange thing to do just
now, but I complied, viewing our host with un-
focused eyes.

"Aahz," I gasped. "He's got an aura! The man's
actually radiating magik. I can't do anything against
someone that powerful."

"It's possible there is another explanation, kid,"
Aahz murmured. "He could be wearing a disguise
spell like we are."

"Do you think so?" I asked hopefully.

"Well," my mentor drawled, "he's wearing a
translator pendant, the same as we are. That makes
it a good bet that he's not from this dimension.
Besides, there's something familiar about his voice."

Our conversation ground to a halt as we reached
our destination, a small room sparsely furnished with
a large table surrounded by several chairs.

"If you'll be seated, gentlemen," our host said,

MYTH DIRECTIONS         67

gesturing to the chairs, "perhaps you'll be good
enough to tell me what it is you wish to speak to me
about."

"Not so fast," Aahz challenged, holding up a
hand. "We're used to knowing who we're dealing
with. Could you do us the courtesy of removing your
disguise before we start?"

The magician averted his eyes and began to fidget
nervously. "You spotted it, eh?" he grumbled. "It
figures. As you've probably guessed already, I'm
relatively new to this profession. Not in your class at
all, if you know what I mean."

An immense wave of relief washed over me, but
Aahz remained skeptical.

"Just take off the disguise, huh?" he insisted.
. "Oh, very well," our host sighed and began fum-
bling in his pocket.

We waited patiently until he found what he was
looking for. Then the lines of his features began to
waver ... his body grew taller and fuller . . . until at
last we saw...

"I thought so!" Aahz crowed triumphantly.

"Quigley!" I gasped.

"This is embarrassing," the demon hunter grum-
bled, slouching down into his chair.

Chapter Ten:

"Old heroes never die; they reappear
in sequels"

—M. MOORCOCK

PHYSICALLY, Quigley was unchanged from when we
first met him. Tall, long-boned and muscular, he still
looked as if he'd be more at home in armor swinging
a sword than sitting around in magician robes sipping
wine with us. However, here we were, gathered in a
conference which bore little resemblance to the for-
mal interview I had originally anticipated.

"I was afraid you two would be along when I
realized it was Tanda the guards captured," the ex-
demon hunter grumbled.

"Afraid?" I frowned, genuinely puzzled. "Why
should you be afraid of us?"

"Oh, come now, lad," Quigley smiled bitterly. "I
appreciate your efforts to spare my feelings, but the
truth of the matter is plain. My magikal powers don't
hold a candle next to yours. I know full well that now
that you're here you'll be able to take my job away
from me without much difficulty. Either that, or
make me look silly in front of my employers so that
they'll fire me outright."

68

MYTH DIRECTIONS         69

"That's ridiculous," I cried, more than slightly of-
fended. "Look Quigley, I promise you we'll neither
steal your job nor make you look silly while we're
here."

"Really?" Quigley asked, brightening noticeably.

"You're being a little hasty with your promises,
aren't you, kid?" Aahz interrupted in a warning
tone.

"C'mon, Aahz," I grimaced. "You know that
isn't why we're here."

"But, kid... "

I ignored him, turning back to Quigley.

"I promise you, Quigley. No job stealing, and
nothing that will endanger your position. The truth
is, I've already got a magician's job of my own. I'm
surprised Tanda hasn't told you."

Strangely enough, instead of relaxing, Quigley
seemed even more ill at ease and avoided my gaze.

"Well, actually, lad," he murmured uncomfort-
ably, "Tanda hasn't said anything since she was
turned over to my custody."

"She hasn't?" I asked, surprised. "That's funny.
Usually the trouble is getting her to stop talking."

"Quite right," Quigley laughed uneasily. "Except
this time—well—she hasn't regained consciousness
yet."

"You mean she's still out cold?" Aahz exclaimed,
surging to his feet. "Why didn't you say so? Come
on, Quigley, wheel her out here. This might be seri-
ous."

"No, no. You misunderstand," Quigley waved.
"She hasn't regained consciousness because I've kept
a sleep spell on her."

"A sleep spell?" I frowned.

"That's right," Quigley nodded. "Tanda taught it
to me herself. It's the first spell I learned, actually.
Really very simple. As I understand it, all members
of the Assassins Guild are required to learn it."

70 Robert Asprin

"Why?" Aahz interrupted.

"I never really gave it much thought," Quigley
blinked. "I suppose it would help them in their work.
You know, if you came on a sleeping victim, the spell
would keep him from waking up until after you'd
finished the job. Something like that."

"Not that!" Aahz moaned. "I know how assassins
operate better than you do. I meant, why are you
using a sleep spell on Tanda?"

"Why, to keep her from waking up, of course,"
Quigley shrugged.

"Brilliant," I muttered. "Why didn't we think of
that?"

"Shut up, kid," my mentor snarled. "Okay, Quig-
ley, let's try this one more time. Why don't you want
to wake her up? I thought you two got along pretty
well last time I saw you."

"We did," Quigley admitted, blushing. "But I'm
a working magician now. If I let her wake up ...
well, I don't flatter myself about my powers. There
would be nothing I could do to keep her from escap-
ing."

"You don't want her to escape?" I blinked.

"Of course not. It would mean my job," Quigley
smiled. "That's why I'm so glad you promised not to
do anything that would jeopardize my position."

My stomach sank.

"Smooth move, kid," Aahz commented dryly.
"Maybe next time you'll listen when! try to advise
you."

I tried to say something in my own defense, but
nothing came to mind, so I shut my mouth and used
the time to feel miserable.

"Well, gentlemen," Quigley beamed, rubbing his
hands together. "Now that that's settled, I suppose
you'll be wanting to get on your way to wherever
you're going."

"Not so fast, Quigley," Aahz declared, sinking

MYTH DIRECTIONS         71

back into his chair and propping his feet up on the
table. "If nothing else, I think you owe us an ex-
planation. The last time we saw you, you were a
demon hunter, heading off through the dimensions
with Tanda to learn more about magik. Now, I was
under the distinct impression you intended to use that
knowledge to further your old career. What brought
you over to our side of the fence?"

Quigley thought for a moment, then shrugged and
settled back in his own chair.

"Very well," he said. "I suppose I can do that,
seeing as how we were comrades-in-arms at one
point."

He paused to take a sip of wine before continuing.

"Tanda and I parted company with the others
shortly after we discovered your little joke. We
thought it was quite amusing, particularly Tanda,
but the others seemed quite upset, especially Isstvan,
so we left them and headed off on our own."

The demon hunter's eyes went slightly out of focus
as he sank back into his memories. "We traveled the
dimensions for some time. Quite a pleasant time, I
might add. I learned a lot about demons and a little
about magik, and it set me to thinking about my
chosen line of work as a demon hunter. I mean,
demons aren't such a bad lot once you get to know
them, and magik pays considerably better than
swinging a sword."

"I hope you're paying attention, kid," Aahz
grinned, prodding my shoulder.

I nodded, but kept my attention on Quigley.

"Then," the demon hunter continued, "circum-
stances arose that prompted Tanda to abandon me
without money or a way back to my own dimen-
sion."

"Wait a minute," Aahz interrupted. "That
doesn't sound like Tanda. What were these 'circum-
stances' you're referring to?"

72 Robert Asprin

"It was a misunderstanding, really," Quigley ex-
plained, flushing slightly. "Without going into lurid
details, the end result involved my spending a night
with a female other than Tanda."

"I can see why she'd move on without you," Aahz
frowned, "but not why she'd take your money."

"Well, actually, it was the young lady I was with at
the time who relieved me of my coinage," the demon
hunter admitted, blushing a deeper shade of red.

"Got it," Aahz nodded. "Sounds like along with
magik and demons, there are a few things you have
to learn about women."

I wouldn't have minded a few lessons in that de-
partment myself, but I didn't think this was the time
to bring it up.

"Anyway," Quigley continued hastily, "there I
was, stranded and penniless. It seemed the only thing
for me to do was to go to a placement service."

"A placement service?" Aahz blinked. "Just
where was this that you were stranded?"

"Why, the Bazaar at Deva, of course," the demon
hunter replied. "Didn't 1 mention that?"

"The Bazaar at Deva," my mentor sighed. "I
should have known. Oh, well, keep going."

"There's really not that much more to tell."
Quigley shrugged. "There were no openings for a
demon hunter, but they managed to find me this
position here in Jahk by lying about how much
magik I knew. Since then, things have been pretty
quiet—or they were before the guards appeared at
my door carrying Tanda."

I was starting to wonder if any court magician was
really qualified for his position.

"And you aren't about to let Tanda go. Right?"
Aahz finished.

"Don't misunderstand," Quigley insisted, gnaw-
ing his lip. "I'd like to let her go. If nothing else it
would do a lot for patching up the misunderstanding

MYTH DIRECTIONS         73

between Tanda and myself. Unfortunately, I just
don't see any way I could let her escape without los-
ing my job on grounds of incompetence."

"Say, maybe we could get you a job in Possil-
tum!" I suggested brightly.

"Kid," Aahz smiled, "are you going to stop that
tongue of yours all by yourself, or do I have to tear it
out by the roots?"

I took the hint and shut up.

"Thank you, lad," Quigley said, "but I couldn't
do that. Unlike yourself, I'm still trying to build a
reputation as a magician. How would it look if I left
my first job in defeat with my tail between my legs?"

"You haven't got a tail," Aahz pointed out.

"Figure of speech," Quigley shrugged.

"Oh," my mentor nodded. "Well, if you think a
hasty retreat from one's first job is unusual, my
friend, you still have a lot to learn about the magik
profession."

"Haven't I been saying that?" Quigley frowned.

I listened to their banter with only half an ear. The
rest of me was floating on Quigley's implied compli-
ment. I'm getting quite good at hearing indirect com-
pliments. The direct ones are few and far between.

Come to think of it, I was getting a reputation as a
magician. No one could deny we beat Isstvan at his
own game—and I had actually recruited and com-
manded the team that stopped Big Julie's army.
Why, in certain circles, my name must be ...

"Bullshit!" Aahz roared, slapping his hand down
on the table hard enough to make the chairs jump. "I
tell you she didn't steal the damn Trophy!"

I collected my shattered nerves and turned my at-
tention to the conversation once more.

"Oh, come now, Aahz," Quigley grimaced. "I
traveled with Tanda long enough to know she's not
above stealing something that caught her eye—nor
are you two, I'd imagine."

Robert Asprin

74

"True enough," Aahz admitted easily, "but you
can bet your last baseball card that if any of us went
after your Trophy, we wouldn't be caught after-
ward."

"My last what?" Quigley frowned. "Oh, no mat-
ter. Look, even if I believed you I couldn't do
anything. What's important is the council believes
Tanda was involved, and they wouldn't even con-
sider releasing her unless they got the Trophy back

first."

"Oh, yeah?" Aahz smiled, showing all his teeth.

"How many council members are there and how are

they guarded?"

"Aahz!" Quigley said sternly. "If anything hap-
pened to the council, I'm afraid I'd see it as a threat
to my job and therefore a direct violation of Master

Skeeve's promise."

My mentor leaned back in his chair and stared at
the ceiling. The heavy metal wine goblet in his hand
crumpled suddenly, but aside from that there was no
outward display of his feelings.

"Um . . . Quigley?" I ventured cautiously. I still
had a vivid image in my mind of my tongue in Aahz's
grasp instead of the wine goblet.

"Yes, lad?" Quigley asked, cocking an eyebrow at

me.

"What did you say would happen if the Trophy

were returned?"

Aahz's head swiveled around slowly until our
gazes met, but his gold speckled eyes were thoughtful

now.

"Well, I didn't say, actually," Quigley grumphed,
"but that would change everything. With the Trophy
back, the council would be ecstatic and definitely bet-
ter disposed toward Tanda. . . . Yes, if the Trophy
were returned, I think I could find an excuse to re-
lease her."

"Is that a promise?"

MYTH DIRECTIONS         75

I may be ignorant, but I'm a fast learner.

Quigley studied me for a moment before answer-
ing. "Very well," he said at last. "Why do you ask?"

I shot a glance at Aahz. One eyelid slowly closed in
a wink, then he went back to studying the ceiling.

"Because," I announced, relief flooding over me,
"I think I've come up with a way we can free Tanda,
protect your job, and stop the war in one fell
swoop."

MYTH DIRECTIONS         77

Chapter Eleven:

"What do you mean, 'You've got a
little job for meT"

—HERCULES

"STEAL the Trophy back from Veygus. Just like
that," Aahz grumbled for the hundredth time.

"We're doomed," Griffin prophesied grimly.

"Shut up. Griffin," I snarled.

It occurred to me I was picking up a lot of Aahz's

bad habits lately.

"But I keep telling you, I don't know Veygus," the
youth protested. "I won't be any help at all. Please,
can't I go back to Ta-hoe?"

"Just keep walking," I sighed.

"Face it, son," Aahz smiled, draping a casual arm
over our guide's shoulder. "We aren't going to let
you out of our sight until this job's over. The sooner
we get to Veygus, the sooner you'll be rid of us."

"But why?" Griffin whined.

"We've gone over this before," my mentor sighed.
"This heist is going to be rough enough without
Veygus hearing about it in advance. Now the only

»
76

way we can be sure you don't tell anyone is to keep
you with us. Besides, you're our passport through the
Ta-hoe patrols if we meet any."

"The patrols are easy to avoid," the youth in-
sisted. "And I won't tell anyone about your mission,
honest. Isn't there any way I can get you to trust
me?"

"Well," Aahz drawled judiciously, "I guess there
is one thing that might do the trick."

"Really?" our guide asked hopefully.

"What da ya think, Skeeve?" my mentor called.
"Do you feel up to turning our friend here into a
rock or a tree or something until the job's over?"

"A rock or a tree?" the youth gulped, wide-eyed.

"Sure," Aahz shrugged. "I wouldn't have sug-
gested it myself. There's always a problem finding
the right rock or tree to change back. Sometimes it
takes years of searching. Sometimes the magician
just gives up."

"Can't you guys walk any faster?" Griffin chal-
lenged, quickening his pace. "We'll never get to
Veygus at this rate."

"I guess that settles that," I smiled, winking at
Aahz to show I appreciated his bluff.

"Steal the Trophy from Veygus," my mentor
replied, picking up his witty repartee where he had
left it. "Just like that."

So much for changing the subject.

"C'mon Aahz, give me a break." I defended
glibly. "You agreed to this before I proposed it."

"I didn't say anything," he argued.

"You winked," I insisted.

"How do you know I didn't just get something in
my eye? "he countered.

"I don't," I admitted. "Did you?"

"No," he sighed. "I winked. But only because it
looked like the only way out of the situation you got
us into."

78

Robert Asprin

He had me there.

"How we got into this spot is beside the point," I
decided. "The real question is how are we going to
steal the Trophy."

"I see," Aahz grunted. "When you get us into
trouble, it's beside the point."

"The Trophy," I prompted.

"Well..." my mentor began slowly, rising to the
bait. "We won't be able to make any firm plans until
we see the layout and size up the guards. How 'bout
it. Griffin? What are we liable to be up against? How
good are these Veygans?"

"The Veygans?" our guide grimaced. "I wouldn't
worry about them if I were you. They couldn't guard
a pea if they swallowed it."

"Really inept, uh?" Aahz murmured, cocking an
eyebrow.

"Inept? They're a joke," Griffin laughed. "There
isn't a Veygan alive who knows how to spell strategy,
much less use it."

"I thought you said you didn't know anything
about Veygus," I commented suspiciously.

"Well ... I don't actually," the youth admitted,
"but I've seen their team play in the Big Game, and if
that's the best they can muster ..."

"You mean everything you've been saying was
speculation based on the way their team plays?"
Aahz interrupted.

"That's right," Griffin nodded.

"The same team that's been beating the pants off
Ta-hoe for the last five years?"

Our guide's head came up as if he had just been
slapped. "We won this year!" he declared fiercely.

"Whereupon they turned around and stole the
Trophy right out from under your noses," my men-
tor pointed out. "It sounds to me like they may not
be as inept as you'd like to think they are."

MYTH DIRECTIONS         79

"They get lucky once in a while," Griffin muttered
darkly.

"You might want to think it through a bit," I
advised. "I mean, do you really want to go around
claiming your team was beaten by a weak opponent?
If Ta-hoe is so good and Veygus is so feeble, how do
you explain five losses in a row? Luck isn't enough to
swing the Game that much."

"We got overconfident," our guide confided.
"It's a constant danger you have to guard against
when you' re as good as we are.''

"I know what you mean," Aahz nodded. "My
partner and I have the same problem."

Well, modesty has never been Aahz's strong suit.
Still it was nice to hear him include me in his brash
statements. It made me feel like my studies were
finally bearing fruit, like I was making progress.

"Aside from the military, what are we up
against?" my mentor asked. "How about the magik
you keep mentioning? Do they have a magician?"

"They sure do," Griffin nodded vigorously. "Her
name's Massha. If you have any troubles at all, it will
be with her. She's mean."

"Is that 'mean' in abilities, or in temperament?"
Aahz cross-examined.

"Both," our guide asserted firmly. "You know,
I've never been totally convinced our magician is as
good as he claims to be, but Massha's a real whiz. I
couldn't even start to count the fantastic things I've
seen her do."

"Um . . . what makes you think her temperament
is mean?" I asked casually, trying to hide my sagging
confidence.

"Well, let me put it this way," Griffin explained.
"If there was a messy job to be done, and you could
think of three ways to do it, she'd find a fourth way
that was nastier than the other three ways combined.

80 Robert Asprin

She has a real genius for unpleasantness."

"Terrific," I grimaced.

"How's that again?" our guide frowned.

"Skeeve here always likes a challenge," Aahz ex-
plained hastily, draping a friendly arm around my
shoulders.

I caught the warning, even without him digging his
talons in until they nearly drew blood. He did it
anyway, making it a real effort to smile.

"That's right," I laughed to hide my gasp. "We've
handled heavyweights before."

Which was true. What I neglected to mention and
tried hard not to think about was that we survived the
encounters by a blend of blind luck and bald-faced
deceit.

"Good," Griffin beamed. "Even if you don't
manage to steal the Trophy, if you can take Massha
out of action, Ta-hoe can win the war easily."

"You know. Griffin," Aahz commented, cocking
an eyebrow, "for someone who doesn't know Vey-
gus, you seem to know an awful lot about their magi-
cian."

"I sure do," our guide laughed bitterly. "She used
to be Ta-hoe's magician until Veygus hired her away.
I used to run errands for her and ..." He suddenly
stopped in mid-stride and mid-sentence simultane-
ously. "Hey! That's right," he exclaimed. "I can't
go along with you if you're going to see Massha. She
knows me! If the Veygans find out I'm from Ta-hoe,
they'll think I'm a scout. I'd get torn apart."

"Don't worry," I soothed, "we aren't going any-
where near Massha."

"Yes, we are," Aahz corrected.

"We are? "I blinked.

"Kid, do I have to explain it to you all over again?
We've got to check out the local magikal talent, the
same as we did when we hit Ta-hoe."

"And look where that got us?" I muttered darkly.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         81

"Look where who got us?" Aahz asked inno-
cently. "I didn't quite hear that."

"All right! All right!" I surrendered. "We'll go
see Massha. I guess I'll just have to whip up a dis-
guise for Griffin so he won't be spotted."

"She'll recognize my voice," our guide protested.

"Don't talk!" I ordered, without clarifying if it
was an immediate or future instruction.

"This time, I think he's right," Aahz interrupted
thoughtfully. "It would probably be wisest to leave
Griffin behind for this venture."

"It would?" I blinked.

"Hey! Wait a minute," Griffin interjected ner-
vously. "I don't want to be a rock or a stone."

"Oh, I'm sure we can work out something a bit
less drastic," my mentor smiled reassuringly. "Ex-
cuse us for a moment while we confer."

I thought Aahz was going to pull me aside for a
private conversation, but instead he simply slipped
off his translator pendant. After a bit of browbeat-
ing, Quigley had supplied us with an extra, so now we
each had one. Removing them allowed us to converse
without fear of being overheard, while at the same
time keeping Griffin within arm's length. I followed
suit and removed mine.

"What gives, Aahz?" I asked as soon as I was free
of the pendant. "Why the change in plans?"

"The job's getting a little too complex," he ex-
plained. "It's time we started reducing our vari-
ables."

"Our what? "I puzzled.

"Look!" Aahz gritted. "We're going to have our
hands full trying to elude the military and this
Massha gal without trying to keep an eye on Griffin,
too. He can't be any great help to us, and if he isn't a
help, he's a hindrance."

"He shouldn't be too much trouble," I protested.

"Any trouble will be too much trouble," my men-

82 Robert Asprin

tor corrected firmly. "So far, he's an innocent by-
stander we've dragged into this. That means if we
take him into Veygus, we should be confident we can
bring him out again. Now, are you that confident?
Or don't you mind the thought of leaving him
stranded in a hostile town?"

Aahz doesn't give humanitarian arguments often,
but when he does, they always make sense.

"Okay," I sighed. "But what do we do with him?
You know I can't turn him into a rock or a tree. Not
that I would if I could."

"That's easy," Aahz shrugged. "You put a sleep
spell on him. That should keep him out of mischief
until we get back here."

"Aahz," I said gently, closing my eyes. "I don't
know how to cast a sleep spell. Remember?"

"That's no problem," my mentor winked. "I'll
teach you."

"Right now?" I questioned incredulously.

"Sure. Didn't you hear Quigley? It's easy," Aahz
declared confidently. "Of course, you realize it isn't
really a 'sleep' spell. It's more like suspended anima-
tion."

"Like what? "I blinked.

"It's a magikal slowing of the body's metabol-
ism," he clarified helpfully. "If it were sleep as you
perceive it, then you'd run into problems of dehydra-
tion and..."

"Aahz!" I interrupted, holding up a hand. "Is the
spell easier than the explanation?"

"Well, yes," he admitted. "But I thought you'd
like to know."

"Then just teach me the spell. Okay?"

Chapter Twelve:

"Out of the frying pan, into derfire."
—THE SWEDISH CHEF

FORTUNATELY, the sleep spell was as easy to learn as
Aahz had promised, and we left Griffin snoozing
peacefully in a patch of weeds along the road.

We took the precaution of circling Veygus to enter
the city from a direction other than Ta-hoe. As it
turned out it was a pointless exercise. Everyone in
Veygus was too busy with their own business to even
notice us, much less which direction we were coming
from.

"This is really great!" Aahz chortled, looking
about the streets as we walked. "I could develop a
real fondness for this dimension."

The war activities in Veygus were the same as we
had witnessed in Ta-hoe, except the souvenirs were
being made in red and white instead of blue and gold.
1 was starting to wonder if anyone was ever going to
get around to actually fighting the war, or if they
were all too busy making money.

"Look at that, Aahz!" I exclaimed, pointing.

There was a small crowd gathered, listening to a

84 Robert Asprin

noisy orator. From what I could hear, their com-
plaint was the same one we heard back in Ta-hoe:

that the government's withholding information
about the war was hampering the odds-makers.

"Yeah. So?" my mentor shrugged.

"I wonder if they're bookies, too," I speculated.

"There's one way to find out," Aahz offered.

Before I could reply, he had sauntered over to
someone at the back of the crowd and engaged him in
an animated conversation. There was nothing for me
to do but wait... and worry.

"Good news, kid," he beamed, rejoining me at
last.

"Tell me," I pressed. "I could use some good
news right about now."

"They're giving three-to-one odds against Ta-hoe
in the upcoming war."

It took me a moment to realize that was the extent
of his information. "That's it?" I frowned. "That's
your good news? It sounds to me like we've badly
underestimated Veygus's military strength."

"Relax, kid," Aahz soothed. "Those are the same
odds they're offering in Ta-hoe against Veygus.
Local bookies always have to weight the odds in
favor of the home team. Otherwise no one will bet
against them."

Puzzled, I shook my head. "Okay, so they're ac-
tually evenly matched," I shrugged. "I still don't see
how that's good news for us."

"Don't you see?" my mentor urged. "That means
the bookies are operating independently instead of as
a combine. If we play our cards right, we could show
a hefty profit from this mess."

Even though annoyed that Aahz could be thinking
of money at a time like this, I was nonetheless in-
trigued with his logic. I mean, after all, he did train
me.

"By betting?" I asked. "How would we know
which side to bet for?"

MYTH DIRECTIONS         85

"Not 'bet for,' bet against," Aahz explained.
"And we'd bet equal amounts against both sides."

I thought about this a few moments, nodding
knowingly all the while, then gave up. "I don't get
it," I admitted. "Betting the same amount for—ex-
cuse me, against—both sides, all we do is break
even."

Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Think it
through, kid," he insisted. "At three-to-one odds we
can't do anything but win. Say we bet a thousand
against each team. If Ta-hoe wins, then we pay a
thousand in Ta-hoe and collect three thousand in
Veygus, for a net profit of two thousand. If Veygus
wins, we reverse the process and still come out two
thousand ahead."

"That's not a bad plan," I said judiciously, "but I
can see three things wrong with it. First, we don't
have a thousand with us to bet..."

"We could hop back to Klah and get it," Aahz
countered.

"Second, we don't have the time..."

"It wouldn't take that long," my mentor pro-
tested.

"Third, if our mission's successful, there won't be
a war."

Aahz's mouth was open for a response, and that's
where it stayed—open, and blissfully noiseless as he
thought about my argument.

"Got you there, didn't I, Aahz?" I grinned.

"I wonder what the odds are that there won't be a
war," he mused, casting a wistful eye at the crowd of
bookies.

"C'mon, Aahz," I sighed, tugging bravely at his
arm, "we've got a heist to scout."

"First," he corrected firmly, "we have to check
out this Massha character."

I had hoped he had forgotten, but then, this adven-
ture was not being typified by its phenomenally good
luck.

86 Robert Asprin

We picked our way across Veygus, occasionally
stopping people to ask directions, and arrived at last
outside the dwelling of the town magician. It was an
unimposing structure, barely inside the eastern limits
of the city, and exuded an intriguing array of
aromas.

"Not much of a hangout for a powerful magician,
eh, Aahz?" I commented, trying to bolster my sag-
ging courage.

"Remember where you were living when we first
met?" my mentor retorted, never taking his eyes
from the building.

I did. The one-room clapboard shack where I had
first studied magik with Garkin made this place look
like a veritable palace.

"What I can't figure out is why Massha settled for
this place," Aahz continued, talking as much to
himself as to me. "If what Griffin said is true, she
could have had any place in town to work from. Tell
you what, kid. Check for force lines, will you?"

I obediently closed my eyes and stretched out my
mind, searching for those invisible currents of
magikal power which those in the profession tap for
their own use. I didn't have to look hard.

"Aahz!" I gasped. "There are four . . . no, five
. . . force lines intersecting here. Three in the air and
two in the ground."

"I thought so," my mentor nodded grimly. "This
location wasn't chosen by accident. She's got power
to spare, if she knows how to use it."

"But what can we do if she's that powerful?" I
moaned.

"Relax, kid," Aahz smiled. "Remember, the
power's there for anyone to use. You can tap into it
as easily as she can."

"That's right," I said, relaxing slightly, but not
much. "Okay, what's our plan?"

"I don't really know," he admitted, heading for

MYTH DIRECTIONS         87

the door. "We'll just have to play this by ear."

Somehow that phrase rang a bell in my memory.
"Say—urn—Aahz," I stammered. "Remembering
how things went back in Ta-hoe, this time let's play it
by your ear. Okay?"

"You took the words right out of my mouth,"
Aahz grinned. "Just remember to check her aura as
soon as we get inside. It'll help to know if she's local
or if we're dealing with imported help."

So saying, he raised his hand and began rapping on
the door. I say "began" because between the second
and third rap, the door flew open with alarming
speed.

"What do you ... well, hel-lo there, boys."

"Are . . . um . . . are you Massha, the magician?"
Aahz stammered, both taken aback and stepping
back.

"Can you imagine anyone else fitting the descrip-
tion?" came the throaty chuckle in response.

She was right. I had not seen anyone in Jahk—
heck, in several dimensions—who looked anything
like the figure framed in the open door. Massha was
immense, in girth if not in height. She filled the door-
way to overflowing—and it wasn't that narrow a
door. Still, size alone doth not a pageant make.
Massha might have been overlooked as just another
large woman were it not for her garments.

Purple and green warred with each other across her
tent-like dress, and her bright orange hair draped
across one shoulder in dirty strings did nothing
toward encouraging an early settlement. And
jewelry! Massha was wearing enough in the way of
earrings, rings and necklaces to open her own store.
She wasn't a sample case, she was the entire inven-
tory!

Her face was nothing to write home about—unless
you're really into depressing letters. Bad teeth were
framed by fleshy chapped lips, and her pig-like eyes
peering from the depths of her numerous smile

88

Robert Asprin

wrinkles were difficult to distinguish from her other
skin blemishes.

I've seen some distinctive looking women in my
travels, but Massha took the cake, platter, and table-
cloth.

"Did you boys just come to stare?" the apparition
asked, "or can I do something for you?"

"We ... um ... we need help," Aahz managed.

I wasn't sure if he was talking about our mission or
our immediate situation, but either way I agreed with
him wholeheartedly.

"Well, you came to the right place," Massha
leered. "Step into my parlor and we'll discuss what
I 've got that you want—and vice-versa.''

Aahz followed her into the building, leaving me no
choice but to trail along. He surprised me, though,
by dropping back slightly to seek my advice.

"What's the word, kid?" he hissed.

"How about 'repulsive'?" I suggested.

That earned me another dig in the ribs.

"I meant about her aura. What's the matter, did
you forget?"

As a matter of fact, I had. Now that I had been so
forcefully reminded, though, I hurriedly checked for
magikal emanations.

"She's got—no, wait a minute," I corrected. "It
isn't her. it's her jewelry. It's magikal, but she isn't."

"I thought so," Aahz nodded. "Okay. Now we
know what we're dealing with."

"We do? "I asked.

"She's a mechanic," my mentor explained hur-
riedly. "Gimmick magik with her jewelry. Totally
different than the stuff I've been teaching you."

"You mean you think I could beat her in a fair
fight?"

"I didn't say that," he corrected. "It all depends
on what kind of jewelry she's got—and from what
we've seen so far, she's got a lot."

"Oh," I sagged. "What are we going to do?"

MYTH DIRECTIONS         89

"Don't worry, kid," Aahz winked. "Fair fights
havfr never been my specialty. As long as she doesn't
know you're a magician, we've got a big advantage."

Any further questions I might have had were
forgotten as we arrived at our destination. Having
just left Quigley's dwelling, I was unprepared for
what Massha used for an office.

To say it was a bedroom would be an understate-
ment. It was the gaudiest collection of tassels,
pillows, and erotic statues I had seen this side of the
Bazaar at Deva. Colors screamed and clawed at each
other, making me wonder if Massha were actually
colorblind. As fast as the thought occurred to me, I
discarded it. No one could select so many clashing
colors by sheer chance.

"Sit down, boys," Massha smiled, sinking onto
the parade-ground-sized bed. "Take off your things
and we'll get started."

My life flashed before my eyes. While I had
secretly dreamed of a career as a ladies' man, I had
never envisioned it starting like this! If I had, I might
have become a monk.

Even Aahz, with his vast experience, seemed at a
loss. "Well, actually," he protested. "We don't have
much time..."

"You misunderstand me." Massha waved, fan-
ning the air with a massive hand. "What I meant
was, take off your disguises."

"Our disguises?" I blurted, swallowing hard.

In reply, she held aloft her left hand, the index
finger extended for us to see. The third—no, it was
the fourth—ring was blinking a brilliant purple.

"This little toy says you're not only magicians,
you're disguised," she grinned. "Now, I'm as so-
ciable as the next person but I like to see who I'm do-
ing business with. In fact, I insist!"

As she spoke, the door behind us slammed shut
and locked with an audible click.

So much for our big advantage.

Chapter Thirteen:

'// you can't dazzle them with dex-
terity, baffle them with bullshit!"

—PROF. H. HILL

THERE was a long silent moment of frozen immobil-
ity. Then Aahz turned to me with an exaggerated
shrug.

"Well," he sighed, "I guess she's got us dead to
rights. There's no arguing with technology, you
know. It never makes mistakes."

I almost missed his wink, and even then I was slow
to realize what he was up to.

"With your permission, dear lady ..." Making a
half bow at Massha, he began making a series of
graceful passes with his hand in the air in front of
him.

It was all very puzzling. Aahz had lost all his
magikal powers back when . . . Then it hit me.
Massha thought we were both magicians! Aahz was
trying to maintain the illusion and could very well
pull it off—if I got busy and backed his move.

As inconspicuously as possible, I closed my eyes

90

MYTH DIRECTIONS         91

and got to work stripping away his disguise.

"A Pervert!" Massha crowed in tribute to my ef-
forts. "Well, whatdaya know. Thought you walked
funny foraJahk."

"Actually," Aahz corrected smoothly, "as a
native of Perv I prefer to be called a 'Pervect.' "

"I don't care what ya call yerself," she winked
lewdly, "I'm more interested in how ya act."

I was just beginning to enjoy my mentor's discom-
fort when Massha turned her attentions on me.

"How 'bout you, sport?" she pressed. "You don't
say much, let's see what yer hiding."

I resisted an impulse to clutch wildly at my clothes,
and instead set about restoring my normal appear-
ance.

"A Klahd—and a young one at that," Massha
proclaimed, cocking her head as she examined me.
"Well, no matter, by the time old Massha's through
with you . .. say!"

Her eyes suddenly opened wide and her gaze
darted to Aahz, then back to me.

"A Klahd traveling with a Pervert. . . your name
wouldn't be Skeeve, would it?"

"You've heard of me?" I blinked, both startled
and flattered.

"Heard of you?" she laughed. "The last time I
dropped into the Bazaar, that's all anyone was talk-
ing about."

"Really? What were they saying?" I urged.

"Well, the word is that you put together a team of
six and used 'em to stop a whole army. It's the most
effective use of manpower anyone's pulled off in cen-
turies."

"It was actually eight, if you include Gleep and
Berfert," I admitted modestly.

"Who? "She frowned.

"A dragon and a salamander," I explained. "It
was such a successful venture I'd like to be sure

92

Robert Asprin

everyone involved gets some credit."

"That's decent of you," Massha nodded approv-
ingly. "Most folks I know in the trade try to hog all
the glory when their plans work and only mention the
help if they need someone to blame for failure."

"If you know Skeeve, here," Aahz smiled, elbow-
ing his way into the conversation, "then surely you
know who I am."

"As a matter of fact, I don't," Massha shrugged.
"I heard there was a loudmouthed Pervert along, but
no one mentioned his name."

"Oh, really?" Aahz asked, showing a suspicious
number of teeth. "A loudmouthed Pervert, eh? And
just who did you hear that from?"

"Um ... in that case," I interrupted hastily,
"allow me to introduce my friend and colleague,

Aahz."

"Aahz?" Massha repeated, raising an eyebrow.
"As in..."

"No relation," Aahz assured her.

"Oh," she nodded.

"Mind if I have some wine?" my mentor asked,
gesturing grandly at the wine pitcher on a nearby
table. "It's been a long dry trip."

This time I was ready, and covertly levitated the
pitcher into his waiting hand. The thought of embar-
rassing him by leaving the wine where it was never
entered my mind. We were still in a tight spot, and
anything we could do to keep Massha off balance
was a good gambit.

"So, what are a pair of big leaguers like you doing
in Jahk?" Massha asked, leaning back into her silken
pillows. "You boys wouldn't be after my job, would

you?"

It occurred to me that all the employed magicians I
was meeting shared a common paranoia about losing

their jobs.

"I assure you," Aahz interjected quickly, "taking

MYTH DIRECTIONS          93

your job away from you is the furthest thing from
our minds. If nothing else, we couldn't pass the
physical."

I almost asked "The physical what?" but re-
strained myself. Verbal banter was Aahz's forte, and
for the time being my job was to give him room to
operate.

"Flattery will get you everywhere," Massha
chuckled appreciatively, "except around a direct
question—and you haven't answered mine. If you
aren't looking for work, what are you doing here?"

That was a good question, and thankfully Aahz
had an answer ready.

"We're just on a little vacation," he lied, "and
dropped by Jahk to try to make some of our money
back in the gambling set."

"Gambling?" Massha frowned. "But the Big
Game is over."

"The Big Game," Aahz snorted. "I'll level with
you. We don't know enough about spectator sports
to bet on 'em, but we do know wars—and we hear
there's one brewing. I figure if we can't bet more in-
telligently than a bunch of yokels who haven't seen a
war in five hundred years, we deserve to lose our
money."

"That explains what you're doing in Jahk,"
Massha nodded thoughtfully, "but it doesn't say
what you're doing here—'in my office' here. What
can I do for you you can't do for yourselves?"

"I could give you a really suggestive answer,"
Aahz smirked, "but the truth is, we're looking for in-
formation. From where we sit, magik could swing the
balance one way or the other in this war. What we'd
like is a little inside information as to how much of a
hand you expect to have in the proceedings, and if
you expect any trouble with the opposition."

"The opposition? You mean Ta-hoe's magician?"

She threw back her head and laughed, "I guaran-

94

Robert Asprin

tee you, boys, I can handle . . . what's his name . . .
Quigley . . . with one hand. That is, of course, pro-
viding that one hand is armed with a few of my
toys."

She wiggled her fingers to illustrate her point and
the ring colors glittered and danced like a malevolent

rainbow."

"That's fine for the war," Aahz nodded. "But
how about here in town? What's to keep Ta-hoe
from stealing the Trophy back before the war?"

"Oh, I've got a few gizmos over at the Trophy
Building that'll fry anyone who tries to heist it—
especially if they try to use magik. Any one of 'em
alone is fallible, but the way I've got 'em set, disarm-
ing one means setting off another. Nobody's taking
that Trophy anywhere without my clearing it."

"Sounds good," my mentor smiled, though I no-
ticed it was a little forced. "As long as you have total
control on the Trophy's security, it isn't likely any-
thing will go wrong."

"Not total control," Massha corrected. "The
army's responsible for it when it's on parade."

"Parade?" I blurted. "What parade?"

"I know it's dumb," she grimaced. "That's why I
refuse any responsibility for it. In fact, I had it writ-
ten into my contract. I don't give demonstrations and
I don't do parades."

"What parade?" Aahz repeated.

"Oh, once a day they carry the Trophy through the
streets to keep the citizens fired up. You'd think
they'd get tired of it, but so far everyone goes
screaming bonkers every time it comes in view."

"I assume it has a military escort," Aahz com-
mented.

"Are you kidding? Half the army tags along when
it does the rounds. They spend more time escorting
that Trophy around than they do drilling for the
war."

MYTH DIRECTIONS         95

"I see," my mentor murmured. "Well, I guess
that tells us what we need to know. We should be on
our way."

Before he could move, Massha was at the end of
the bed, clasping his leg. "What's the hurry?" she
purred. "Doesn't Massha get a little something in
return for her information?"

"As a matter of fact," Aahz said, struggling to ex-
tract his leg, "there is something that might be
valuable to you."

"I know there is," Massha smiled, pulling herself
closer to him.

"Did you know that Quigley has summoned up a
demon to help him?''

"He what?"

Massha released her hold on Aahz's leg to sit bolt
upright.

"That's right," Aahz nodded, moving smoothly
out of reach. "From what we hear, he's holding it
captive in his workshop. I can't imagine any reason
for his doing that unless he plans to use it in the
war."

"A demon, eh?" Massha muttered softly, staring
absently at the far wall. "Well, well, whatdaya
know. I didn't think Quigley had it in him. I don't
suppose you've heard anything about its powers?"

"Nothing specific," Aahz admitted, "but I don't
think he'd summon anything weaker than he is."

"That's true," Massha nodded. "Well, I should
be able to handle them both."

I recognized her tone of voice. It was the way I
sound when I'm trying to convince myself I'm up to
handling one of Aahz's plans.

"Say, Massha," my mentor explained, as if a
thought had just struck him. "I know we're sup-
posed to be on vacation, but maybe we can give you a
hand here."

"Would you?" she asked eagerly.

Robert Asprin

96 MYTH DIRECTIONS 97

"Well, it's really in our own best interest if we're
betting money on the war," he smiled. "Otherwise
we wouldn't get involved. As it is, though, I think we
can get the demon away from Quigley, or at least
neutralize it so it won't help him at all."

"You'd do that for me? As a favor?" Massha
blinked.

"Sure," Aahz waved. "Just don't be surprised at
anything we do and whatever you do, don't try to
counter any of our moves. I won't make any guaran-
tees, but I think we can pull it off. If we do, just
remember you owe us a favor someday."

Anyone who knew Aahz would have been im-
mediately suspicious if he offered to do anything as a
favor. Fortunately, Massha didn't know Aahz, and
she seemed both solicitous and grateful as she waved
goodbye to us at the door.

"Well, kid," Aahz grinned, slapping me on the
back. "Not bad for an afternoon's work, if I do say
so myself. Not only did we scout the opposition, we
neutralized it. Big bad Massha won't move against us
no matter what we do, for fear of disrupting our
plans against Quigley."

As I had restored our disguises before we emerged
onto the street, Aahz's back slap didn't arrive on my
back—and it hit me with more force than I'm sure he
intended. All in all, it did nothing to improve my
already black mood.

"Sure, Aahz," I growled. "Except for one little
detail."

"What's that?"

"We can't steal Tanda away from Quigley because
he'd lose his job and we promised we wouldn't do
anything to jeopardize his position. Remember?"

"Skeeve, Skeeve," my mentor chuckled, shaking
his head. "I haven't overlooked anything. You're the
one who hasn't thought things through."

"Okay," I snapped. "So I'm slow! Explain it to
me."

"Well, first of all, as I just mentioned, we don't
have to worry about Massha for a while."

"But—" I began, but he cut me off.

"Second of all," he continued, "I said 'free or
neutralize.' Now, we already know Quigley isn't
about to use Tanda in the war, so Massha's going to
owe us a favor whether we do anything or not."

"But we're supposed to be rescuing Tanda," I pro-
tested, ' 'and that means stealing the Trophy."

"Right!" Aahz beamed. "I'm glad you finally
caught on."

"Huh?" I said intelligently.

"You haven't caught on," my mentor sighed.
"Look, kid. The mission's still on. We're going to
steal the Trophy."

"But I can't bypass Massha's traps at the Trophy
Building."

"Of course not," Aahz agreed. "That's why we're
going to steal it from the parade."

"The parade?" I blinked. "In broad daylight with
half the army and the whole town watching?"

"Of course," Aahz shrugged. "It's the perfect
situation."

It occurred to me that either my concept of a per-
fect situation was way out of line, or my mentor had
finally lost his mind!

MYTH DIRECTIONS         99

Chapter Fourteen:

"As any magician will tell you—Myth
Directions is the secret of a suc-
cessful steal."

—D. HEMMING

"DON'T you see, kid? The reason it's a perfect situa-
tion is that everyone's sure it can't be stolen!"

It was the same answer Aahz had given the last ten
times I asked, so I gave him my usual rebuttal.

"The reason they're sure is because it can't be
stolen. At least half the population of Veygus will be
looking, Aahz, and they'll be looking right at the
Trophy we're trying to steal! Someone's bound to

notice."

"Not if you follow your instructions, they won't,"

my mentor winked. "Trust me."

I wasn't reassured. Not that I didn't trust Aahz,
mind you. His ability to get me into trouble is sur-
passed only by his ability to bail me out again. I just
had a hunch his bailing abilities were going to be
tested to their limits this time.

I was about to express this to Aahz when a roar
went up from the crowd around us, ending any hope
for conversation. The Trophy was just coming into
view.

We had chosen our post carefully. This point was
the closest the procession came to the North wall of
Veygus . . . and hence it was the closest the Trophy
came to the gate opening onto the road to Ta-hoe.

In line with Aahz's plan, we waved our fists in the
air and jumped up and down as the Trophy passed by
with its military escort. It was pointless to shout,
however. The crowd was making so much noise that
two voices more or less went unnoticed, and we
needed to save our lung power for the heist itself.
Working our way to the back of the mob also proved
to be no problem. By simply not fighting back when
everyone else elbowed in front of us soon moved us
to our desired position.

"So far, so good," Aahz murmured, scanning the
backs in front of us to be sure we were unobserved.

"Maybe we should quit while we're ahead," I sug-
gested hopefully.

"Shut up and start working," he snapped back in
a tone that left no room for argument.

With an inward sigh, I closed my eyes and began
making subtle changes in our disguises.

When I first learned the disguise spell, it was spe-
cifically to alter the facial features and body configu-
rations of a being to resemble another. Later, after
considerable practice, I learned to change the out-
ward appearance of inanimate objects, providing
they had once been alive. Aahz had seized this modi-
fication for a new application . . . specifically to
change the configuration of our clothes. By the time I
was done, we not only looked like Jahks, we were
dressed in the uniforms of Veygan soldiers.

"Good enough, kid," Aahz growled, clapping me
on the shoulder. "Let's go!"

With that, he plunged headlong into the crowd,
clearing a path for me to emerge on the street behind
the Trophy procession. Clearing paths through
moveable objects, like people, is one of the things
Aahz does best.

100 Robert Asprin

"Make way!" he bawled. "One side! Make way!"

Close behind him, I added my bellow to the din.

"Ta-hoers!" I called. "At the South wall! Ta-
hoers!"

That's one of the things I do best—scream in
panic.

For a moment, no one seemed to hear us. Then a
few heads turned. A couple voices took up my call.

"Ta-hoers!" they cried. "We're being attacked."

The word spread through the crowd ahead of us
like wildfire, such that when we reached the rear-
guard of the procession, it had ground to a halt. The
soldiers milled about, tangling weapons with bodies
around them as they tried simultaneously to scan the
crowd, rooftops, and sky.

"Ta-hoers!" I shouted, pushing in among them.

"Where?"

"The South wall."

"Where?"

"The South wall."

"Who?"

"Ta-hoers!"

"Where?"

This nonsense might have continued endlessly, ex-
cept for the appearance of an officer on the scene. He
was noticeably more intelligent than the soldiers
around him . . . which was to say he might have won
a debate with a turnip.

"What's going on here?" he demanded, his au-
thoritative voice silencing the clamor in the ranks.

"Ta-hoers, sir!" I gasped, still a bit out of breath
from my performance. "They're attacking in force at
the South wall!"

"The South wall?" the officer frowned. "But Ta-
hoe is north of here."

"They must have circled around the city," I sug-
gested hastily. "They're attacking the South wall."

"But Ta-hoe is north of here," the man insisted.
"Why would they attack the South wall?"

r

MYTH DIRECTIONS

101

His slow-wittedness was exasperating. It was also
threatening to totally disrupt our plan, which hinged
on momentum.

"Are you going to stand here arguing while those
yellow and blue idiots take the city?" Aahz de-
manded, shouldering his way past me. "If everybody
gets killed because of your indecision, the council will
bust you back to the ranks."

That possibility wasn't very logical, so, of course,
the fool took it to heart. Drawing his sword, he
turned to the men around him.

"To the South wall," he ordered. "Follow me!"
"To the South wall!"

The cry went up as the soldiers wheeled and dashed
back down the street.

"To the South wall!" I echoed, moving with them.
Suddenly, a powerful hand seized my shoulder and

slammed me against a wall hard enough to knock the

air out of my lungs.

"To the South wall!"

It was Aahz, leaning back to keep me pinned be-
tween him and the wall as he waved the soldiers past.

At last, he turned his head slightly to address me
directly.

"Where ya going?" he asked curiously.

"To the South wall?" I suggested in a small voice.

"Why?"

"Because the Ta-hoers ... oh!"
I felt exceptionally stupid. I also felt more than
slightly squashed. Aahz is no featherweight.

"I think better when I can breathe," I pointed out
meekly.

The ground slipped up and crashed into me as
Aahz shifted his weight forward.

"Quit clowning around, kid," he snarled, hauling
me to my feet. "We've still got work to do."

As I've said before, Aahz has an enviable grasp of
the obvious. A dozen soldiers were still clustered
around the Trophy, its litter now resting on the

Robert Asprin

102

ground. There was also the minor detail of the crowd
of onlookers still milling about arguing over this
latest change in events.

"What are we going to do, Aahz?" I hissed.
"Just leave everything to me," he retorted con-
fidently.

"Okay, "I nodded.

"Now here's what I want you to do ..."
"What happened to 'leave everything to you'?" I

grumbled.

"Shut up and listen," he ordered. "I want you to
change my face and uniform to match that officer we
talked to."

"But..."

"Just do it!"

In a moment the necessary adjustments were made
and my mentor was on his way, striding angrily
toward the remaining soldiers.

"What are you doing there?" he bawled. "Get to
the South wall with the others!"

"But... we were . . . our orders are to guard the
Trophy," the nearest soldier stammered in confu-
sion.

"Defend it by keeping the Ta-hoers out of the

city," Aahz roared. "Now get to the South wall!
Anyone who tries to stay behind I'll personally
charge with cowardice in the face of the enemy. Do
you know what the punishment for that is?"

Apparently they did, even if I didn't. Aahz's ques-
tion went unanswered as the soldiers sprinted off
down the street toward the South wall.

So much for the Trophy's military escort. I did
wonder, though, what my mentor planned to do
about the milling crowd.

"Citizens of Veygus," Aahz boomed, as if in
answer to my silent question. "Our fair city is under
attack. Now, I know all of you will want to volunteer
to help the Army in this battle, but to be effective you
must be disciplined and orderly. To that end, I want

MYTH DIRECTIONS         103

all volunteers to line up here in front of me for in-
structions. Any who are unable to serve should
return to their homes at this time, so the militia will
have room to maneuver. All right, volunteers assem-
ble!"

Within seconds, Aahz and I were left alone in the
street. The crowd of potential volunteers had evapo-
rated like water spilled on a hot griddle.

"So much for the witnesses," my mentor grinned,
winking at me.

"Where'd they all go?" I asked, craning my neck
to look around.

"Home, of course," Aahz smirked. "No one likes
the draft—particularly when it affects them person-
ally."

I wet my finger and tested the breeze. "There's not
that much wind today," I announced suspiciously.

For some reason, this statement seemed to annoy
my mentor. He rolled his eyes and started to say
something, then changed his mind.

"Look, let's just grab the Trophy, okay?" he
snarled. "That 'South wall' bit won't fool the Army
forever, and I for one don't want to be here when
they get back."

For once, we were in total agreement.

"Okay, Aahz," I nodded. "How do we get it out
of the city?"

"That's easy," he waved. "Remember, I'm not
exactly a weakling."

With that, he strode over to the Trophy and simply
picked it up and tucked it under his arm, balancing it
casually on his hip.

"But, Aahz ..." I began.

"I know what you're going to say," he admon-
ished, holding up a hand, "and you're right. It would
be easier to steal a cart. What you're overlooking is
that a cart is personal property, while the Trophy
belongs to the whole city."

"But, Aahz..."

104 Robert Asprin

"That means," he continued hastily, "that every-
one assumes someone else is watching the Trophy, so
we can walk away with it. If we stole a cart, the
owner would spot it in a minute and raise the alarm.
Now, having successfully liberated the Trophy, it
would be really dumb to get arrested for stealing a
cart, wouldn't it?"

"I didn't mean how are we going to move it!" I
blurted. "I meant how are we going to get it past the
guards at the North gate?"

"What's that?" Aahz frowned.

"They aren't going to let us just walk past them
carrying that Trophy, and I can't disguise it. It's a
metal!"

"Hmmm . . . you're right, kid," my mentor
nodded thoughtfully. "Well, maybe we can . . .
oh, swell!"

"What is it?" I asked fearfully.

"The soldiers are coming back," he announced,
cocking his head to listen. Aahz has exceptionally
sharp hearing. "Oh, well, we're just going to have to
do this the fast way. Break out the D-Hopper."

"The what? "I blinked.

"The D-Hopper!" he insisted. "We'll just take
this back to Klah with us."

I hurriedly fumbled the D-Hopper out of my
pouch and passed it to Aahz for setting.

"What about Tanda?"

"We'll use this gizmo to bring the Trophy back
later and spring her," Aahz mumbled. "I hadn't fig-
ured on using this just now. There's always a possi-
bility that... oh, well. Hang on, kid. Here we go."

I crowded close to him and waited as he hit the but-
ton to activate the Hopper.

Nothing happened,

Chapter Fifteen:

"—Or was it unlock the safe then
swim to the surface?"

—H. HOUDINI

"NOTHING happened."

"I know it," Aahz groaned, glaring at the D-
Hopper. "That's the trouble with relying on mechan-
ical gadgets. The minute you rely on them, they let
you down."

"What's wrong?" I pressed.

"The damn thing needs recharging," Aahz spat.
"And there's no way we can do it before the Army
gets here."

"Then let's hide until..."

"Hide where?" my mentor snapped. "Do you
want to ask one of the citizens to hide us? They might
have a few questions about the Trophy we're lugging
along."

"Okay, you suggest something!" I snarled.

"I'm working on it," Aahz growled, looking
around. "What we need is... there!"

Before I could ask what he was doing, he strode
into a nearby shop, tugged an animal skin off the

106 Robert Asprin

wall, and began wrapping^ around the Trophy.

"Terrific," I observed dryly. "Now we have a
furry Trophy. I don't think it will fool the guards."

"It will, once you disguise it," Aahz grinned.

"I told you, I can't," I insisted. "It's a metal!"

"Not the Trophy, dummy!" he snapped. "The
skin. Get to work! Change it to anything. No . . .
make it a wounded soldier!"

I wasn't sure it would work, but I closed my eyes
and gave it a try. One wounded soldier—complete
with a torn, bloodstained uniform and trailing feet.

"Not bad, kid," Aahz nodded, sticking the bundle
under his arm.

As usual, I couldn't see the effects of my work.
When I looked, I didn't see an officer of the guard
with a wounded comrade under his arm. I saw Aahz
holding a suspiciously lumpy package.

"Are you sure it's okay?" I asked doubtfully.

"Sure," Aahz nodded. "Just. . . oops! Here they
come. Leave everything to me."

That had a suspiciously familiar ring to it, but I
didn't have many other options at the moment. The
soldiers were in sight now, thundering down on us
with grim scowls set fiercely on their faces.

"That way! Quick! They're getting away."

Aahz's bellow nearly startled me out of my skin,
but I held my ground. I'm almost used to his unex-
pected gambits—almost.

"After them!" Aahz repeated. "Charlie's hit!"

"Who's Charlie?" I frowned.

"Shut up, kid," my mentor hissed, favoring me
with a glare before returning his attention to the
soldiers.

They had slowed their headlong dash and were
looking down the sidestreets as they came, but they
hadn't changed course. The only fortunate thing was
that the officer Aahz was impersonating was no-
where in sight.

MYTH DIRECTIONS        107

"Don't you understand?" Aahz shouted.
"They've got the Trophy! That way!"

That did it. With a roar of animal rage, the soldiers
wheeled and started off in the direction Aahz had in-
dicated.

"Boy," I murmured in genuine admiration. "I
wouldn't want to be holding that Trophy when they
caught up with me."

"It could be decidedly unpleasant," Aahz agreed.
"So if you don't mind, could we be on our way?
Hmmm?"

"Oh! Right, Aahz."

He was already on his way, eating up great hunks
of distance with his strong, hurried stride. As I
hastened to keep up with him, I resolved hot to ask
about his plans for getting past the guards at the
North gate. I was only annoying him with my con-
stant questions, and besides, the answers only un-
settled me.

As we drew nearer to the gate, however, my nerv-
ousness grew stronger and my resolve weaker.

"Ummm ... do you want me to change the
disguise on the Trophy?" I asked tentatively.

"No," came the brusque reply. "But you could
mess us up a little."

"Mess us up? "I blinked.

"A little dirt and blood on the uniforms," Aahz
clarified. "Enough to make it look like we've been in
a fight."

I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve, but I
hastened to adjust our disguises. That isn't as easy as
it sounds, incidentally. Try closing your eyes and
imagining dirty uniforms in detail while walking
down a strange street at a near-trot. Fortunately, my
life with Aahz had trained me to work under des-
perate conditions, so I completed my task just as we
were coming up on the gate.

As a tribute to my handiwork, the guard didn't

108 Robert Asprin

even bother to address us directly. He simply gaped
at us for a moment, then started hollering for the Of-
ficer of the Guard. By the time that member ap-
peared, we were close enough to count his teeth as his
jaw dropped.

"What's going on here?" he demanded finally,
recovering his composure.

"Fighting in the streets," Aahz gasped in a real-
istic imitation of a weary warrior. "They need your
help. We're your relief."

"Our relief!" the officer frowned. "But that
man's unconscious and you look like . . . fighting,
did you say?"

"We're fit enough for gate duty," Aahz insisted,
weakly pulling himself erect. "Anything to free a few
more able-bodied men for the fighting."

"What fighting?" the officer screamed, barely
suppressing an impulse to shake Aahz back to his
senses.

"Riots," my mentor blinked. "The bookies have
changed the odds on the war and won't honor earlier
bets. It's awful."

The officer blanched and recoiled as if he had been
struck. "But that means ... my life savings are bet
on the war. They can't do that."

"You'd better hurry," Aahz insisted. "If the mobs
tear the bookies apart, no one will get their money
back."

"Follow me! All of you!" the officer bellowed,
though it wasn't necessary. The guards were already
on their way. Apparently the officer wasn't the only
one with money in the bookies' care.

The officer started after them, then paused to
sweep us with an approving stare.

"I don't know if you'll get .a medal for this," he
announced grimly, "but I won't forget it. You have
my personal thanks."

"Don't mention it, turkey," Aahz murmured as
the man sprinted off.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         109

"You know, I bet he won't forget this .. . ever," I
smiled.

"Feeling pretty smug, aren't you, kid?" Aahz
commented, cocking a critical eyebrow at me.

"Yes," I confirmed modestly.

"Well, you should," he laughed, clapping me on
the back. "I think, however, we'd best celebrate at a
distance."

"Quite right," I agreed, gesturing grandly to the
open gate. "After you."

"No, after you!" he countered, imitating my ges-
ture.

Not wanting to waste additional time arguing, we
walked side by side through the now unguarded
North gate of Veygus, bearing our prize trium-
phantly with us.

That should have been it. Having successfully
recaptured the Trophy, it should have been an easy
matter to return to Ta-hoe, exchange the Trophy for
Tananda, and relax in a celebration party back at
Klah. I should have known better.

Any time things seem calm and tranquil, some-
thing happens to disrupt matters. If unforeseen out-
side complications don't arise, then either Aahz's
temper flares or I open my big mouth. In this case,
there were no outside complications, but there our
luck ran out. Neither one of us was to blame—we
both were. Aahz for his temper, me for my big
mouth.

We were nearly back to the place where he had hid-
den Griffin, when Aahz made an unexpected request.

"Say, kid," he said, "how about dropping the
disguises for a while?"

"Why?" I asked, logically.

"No special reason," he shrugged. "I just want to
look at this Trophy that's caused everyone so much
trouble."

"Didn't you see it back at Veygus?" I frowned.

"Not really," my mentor admitted. "At first I was

110 Robert Aspirin MYTH DIRECTIONS 111

busy chasing away the soldiers and the civilians, and
after that it was something big and heavy to carry. I
never really stopped to study it."

It took mere seconds to remove the disguises.
They're easier to break down than to build, since I
can see what the end result is supposed to look like.

"Help yourself," I announced.

"Thanks, kid," Aahz grinned, setting the Trophy
down and hastily unwrapping it.

The Trophy was as ugly as ever; not that I had ex-
pected it to change. If anything, it looked worse up
close, as Aahz was looking at it. Then he backed up
and looked again. Finally he walked around it, study-
ing the monstrosity from all angles.

For some reason, his silent scrutiny was making me
uneasy.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked, in an effort
to get the conversation going again.

He turned slowly to face me, and I noticed his
scales were noticeably darker than normal.

"That's it?" he demanded, jerking a thumb over
his shoulder at the statue. "That's the Trophy? You
got Tanda captured and put us through all this for a
dismal hunk of sculpture like that?"

Something clicked softly in my mind, igniting a
small ember of anger. I mean, I've never pretended
to admire the Trophy, but it had been Tananda's
choice.

"Yes, Aahz," I said carefully. "That's it."

"Of all the dumb stunts you've pulled, this takes
the cake!" my mentor raged. "You neglect your
studies, cost us a fortune, not to mention putting
everybody's neck on the chopping block, and for
what?"

"Yes, Aahz," I managed.

"And Tanda! I knew she was a bit dippy, but this!
I've got a good mind to leave her right where she is."

I tried to say something, but nothing came out.

"All I want to hear from you, apprentice, is why!"

He was looming over me now.

"Even feeble minds need a motive. What did you
two figure to do with this pile of junk once you stole
it? Tell me that!"

"It was going to be your birthday present!" I
shouted, the dam bursting at last.

Aahz froze stock-still, an expression of astonish-
ment spreading slowly over his face.

"My ... my birthday present?" he asked in a
small voice.

"That's right, Aahz," I growled. "Surprise. We
wanted to get you something special. Something no
one else had, no matter how much trouble it was.
Sure was stupid of us, wasn't it?"

"My birthday present," Aahz murmured, turning
to stare at the Trophy again.

"Well, it's all over now," I snarled savagely. "Us
feeble-minded dolts bit off more than we could chew
and you had to bail us out. Let's spring Tanda and go
home. Maybe then we can forget the whole thing—if
you'll let us."

Aahz was standing motionless with his back to me.
Now that I had vented my anger, I found myself sud-
denly regretful for having ground it in so mercilessly.

"Aahz?" I asked, stepping in behind him. "Hey!
C'mon, we've got to give it back and get Tanda."

Slowly he turned his head until our gazes met.
There was a faraway light in his eyes I had never seen
before.

"Give it back?" he said softly. "Whatdaya mean,
'Give it back'? That's my birthday present!"

Chapter Sixteen:

"... and then the fun began."

—N. BONAPARTE

I HAD attended war councils before. I hadn't been
wild about it as a pastime even then, but I had done
it. On those occasions, however, our side was the
only one with the vaguest skills in magik. This time,
all three sides would have magicians in attendance.
My joy knew definite bounds; in fact, I didn't want
to be there at all.

"Maybe they won't come," I suggested hopefully.

"With their precious Trophy on the line?" Aahz
grinned. "Not a chance. They'll be here."

"If they got the messages," I corrected. "Griffin
may have just headed for the horizon."

My mentor cocked an eyebrow at me. "Think back
to the days before you were an apprentice, kid," he
suggested. "If a magician gave you a message to
deliver, would you try to get away?"

"Well..." I conceded.

"They'll be here," he concluded firmly. "I just
hope Quigley gets here first."

112

MYTH DIRECTIONS         113

My last hope gone, I resigned myself to the
meeting and turned my attention to our immediate
surroundings.

"Can you at least tell me why we're meeting
here?" I asked. "Why not in the forest where we'd
have some trees to duck behind if things get ugly?
What's so special about this statatorium?"

"That's stadium, kid," my mentor corrected, roll-
ing his eyes. "And there're three good reasons to set
up the meeting here. First of all, both the Veygans
and the Ta-hoers know where it is. Second, they both
acknowledge it as neutral ground."

"And third?" I prompted.

"You said it yourself," Aahz shrugged. "There's
no cover. Nothing at all to hide behind."

"That's good?"

"Think it through, kid," my mentor sighed. "If
we can hide behind a tree, so could someone else. The
difference is, they have more people to hide."

"You mean they might try to ambush us?" I
blinked.

"It's a possibility. I only hope that having the
meeting in the open like this will lower the probabil-
ity."

One thing I have to admit about Aahz. Any time
I'm nervous, I can count on him to say just the right
thing to convert my nervousness to near-hysteric
panic.

"Urn .. . Aahz," I began carefully. "Isn't it about
time you let me in on this master plan of yours?"

"Sure," my mentor grinned. "We're going to have
a meeting with representatives from both Veygus and
Ta-hoe."

"But what are you going to say to them?" I
pressed.

"You're missing the point, kid. The reason I'm
meeting with both of them at once is because I don't
want to have to repeat myself. Now, if I explain
everything to you now, I'll only have to repeat myself

114 Robert Asprin

at the meeting. Understand?"

"No," I announced bluntly. "I don't. I'm sup-
posed to be your apprentice, aren't I? Well, how am I
going to help out if I don't know what's going on?"

"That's a good point," Aahz conceded. "I wish
you had raised it earlier. Because now it's too late.
Our guests are arriving."

I turned to look in the direction he was pointing
and discovered he was right. A small group had
emerged from one of the entrances halfway up the
side of the stadium and was filing down the stairs
toward the field where we were waiting. Watching
them descend, I was struck again by the enormity of
the stadium. I had realized it was large when we first
arrived and I saw the rows and rows of seats circling
the field. Now, however, seeing how tiny the group
looked in this setting made me all the more aware of
exactly how large the stadium really was. As we
waited, I tried to imagine the seats filled with thou-
sands upon thousands of people all staring down at
the field and the very thought of it made me uneasy.
Fortunately, the odds of my ever actually seeing it
were very, very low.

The group was close enough now for us to distin-
guish between individuals. This didn't do us much
good, though, as we didn't know any of the individ-
uals involved. I finally recognized Griffin in their
ranks, and from that figured out it was the Ta-hoe
delegation approaching. Once I realized that, I man-
aged to spot Quigley bringing up the rear. I would
have recognized him sooner, but he was disguised as
a Jahk, which threw me for a moment; Actually, it
made sense. I mean, Aahz and I were currently dis-
guised as Jahks, so it was only logical that Quigley
would also be hiding his extra-dimensional origins as
well. Sometimes it bothers me that I seem to habitu-
ally overlook the obvious.

"That's far enough!" Aahz boomed.

The group halted obediently a stone's throw away.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         115

It occurred to me it might be better if they were a
little more than a stone's throw away, but I kept
quiet.

"We're ready to discuss the return of the
Trophy," one of the delegates called, stepping for-
ward.

"We're not," my mentor retorted.

This caused a minor stir in the group and they
began to mumble darkly among themselves.

"Aahz!" I urged.

"What I mean to say," Aahz added hastily, "is
that what we have to say will wait until the other dele-
gation arrives. In the meantime, I wish a word with
your master magician."

There was a brief huddle, then Quigley came for-
ward to join us. Even at a distance I could see he was
upset.

"Hi. Quigley," Aahz grinned. "How's tricks?"

"I certainly hope you have an explanation for
this," the ex-demon hunter snapped, ignoring the
cordial greeting.

"Explanation for what?" my mentor countered in-
nocently.

"You promised ... or rather, Master Skeeve did
. . . that you two wouldn't do anything to endanger
my job."

"And we haven't," Aahz finished.

"Yes, you have!" Quigley insisted. "The council
expects me to use my magik to get the Trophy away
from you at this meeting. If I don't, I can kiss my job
goodbye."

"Don't worry," my mentor soothed. "We've
taken that into account."

"We have?" I murmured in wonder.

Aahz shot me a black look and continued.

"I guarantee that by the end of the meeting the
council won't expect you to perform any magik
against us."

"You mean you'll give the Trophy back voluntar-

116

MYTH DIRECTIONS         117

Robert Asprin

ily?" Quigley asked, brightening noticeably. "I must
say that's decent of you."

"No, it isn't," Aahz corrected, "and we're not
going to give it back. All I said was they wouldn't ex-
pect you to get it for them with magik."

"But—"

"The reason I wanted to talk with you," Aahz in-
terrupted, "was to clarify a little something from our
previous conversation."

"What's that?" Quigley frowned.

"Well, you promised to release Tanda if the
Trophy was returned. Now, if Ta-hoe has a chance to
take the Trophy back, and then doesn't do it, is the
deal still on? Will you let her go?"

"I ... I suppose so," the ex-demon hunter ac-
quiesced, gnawing his lip. "But I can't imagine them
not wanting it."

"Wanting something and being able to take it are
two different things," Aahz grinned.

"But I'm supposed to be helping them with my
magik!"

"Not this time, you aren't," my mentor corrected.
"I've already told you that—"

"Is this a private chat, boys? Or can anybody join
in?"

We all turned to find Massha lumbering towards
us. The rest of the Veygus delegation waited behind
her, having apparently arrived while we were talking
to Quigley.

"Good God! What's that?" Quigley gasped, gap-
ing at Massha's approaching bulk.

"That's Massha," I volunteered casually. "You
know, the Veygans' magician!"

"That's Massha?" he echoed, swallowing hard.

"If you'll excuse us for a moment," Aahz sug-
gested, "there are a few things we have to discuss
with her before the meeting."

"Of course, certainly."

The ex-demon hunter beat a hasty retreat, ap-

parently relieved at being able to avoid a face-to-face
meeting with his rival.

"The council there tells me that was Quigley you
were just talking to," Massha announced, tracking
his flight with her eyes. "Is that true?"

"Umm ... yes," I admitted.

"You boys wouldn't be trying to double-cross old
Massha, would you?" Her tone was jovial, but her
eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"My dear lady!" Aahz gasped. "You wound me!
Didn't we promise to neutralize Quigley's demon for
you?"

"You sure did."

"And it would be extremely difficult to engineer
that without at least being on speaking terms with
Quigley. Wouldn't it?"

"Well... yes."

"So no sooner do we start working on the project
than you accuse us of double-crossing you! We
should leave right now and let you solve your own
problems."

I had to suppress a smile. Aahz looking indignant
is a comical sight at best. Massha, however, swal-
lowed it hook, line and sinker.

"Now, don't be that way," she pleaded. "I didn't
mean to get ya all out of joint. Besides, do you blame
me for being a little suspicious after you up and made
off with the Trophy?"

Aahz sighed dramatically. "Didn't we say not to
be surprised at anything we did? Geez! I guess it's
what we should expect, trying to deal with someone
who can't comprehend the subtlety of our plans."

"You mean stealing the Trophy is part of your
plan to neutralize the demon?" Massha asked, wide-
eyed with awe.

"Of course!" Aahz waved. "Or it was. You see,
Quigley got the demon to help get the Trophy away
from Veygus. Now, if Veygus doesn't have the
Trophy, he doesn't need the demon, right?"

118

Robert Asprin

"Sounds a little shaky to me," the sorceress

frowned.

"You're right," Aahz acknowledged. "That's why
I was so glad when the k ... I mean, when Master
Skeeve here came up with this new plan."

"I did?"

Aahz's arm closed around my shoulders in an iron
grip which eliminated any thoughts of protest from
my mind.

"He's so modest," my mentor explained. "You've
heard what a genius tactician he is? Well, he's come
up with a way to neutralize the demon . . . and give
Veygus a good chance at retrieving the Trophy."

"I'm dying to hear it," Massha proclaimed
eagerly.

"Me, too," I mumbled. Aahz's grip tightened
threateningly.

"Then I guess we're ready to get started," he de-
clared. "You'd better rejoin your delegation.
Wouldn't want it to look like we're playing favorites.
And remember . . . agree with us no matter what we
say. We're on your side."

"Right!" she winked, and headed off.

"Say, um, Aahz," I managed at last.

"Yeah, kid?"

"If you're on Quigley's side and on Massha's side,
who's on my side?"

"I am, of course."

I had been afraid he was going to say something
like that. It was becoming increasingly clear that
Aahz was going to come out of this in pretty good
shape no matter how it ran. I didn't have much time
to ponder the point, though.

Aahz was beckoning the groups forward to start
the meeting.

Chapter Seventeen:

Tm sure we can talk things out like
civilized people."

—J. WAYNE

"I SUPPOSE you're all wondering why I called you
here," my mentor began with a grin.

I think he intended it as a joke. I've gotten so I
recognize his "waiting for a laugh" grin. Unfortu-
nately, he was trying it on the wrong crowd. Jahks
aren't generally noted for their sense of humor.

"I assume it's to talk about the Trophy," a distin-
guished individual from the Ta-hoe group observed
dryly. "Otherwise we're wasting our time."

"Oh, it's about the Trophy," Aahz assured him
hastily.

"Which you stole from us!" a Veygan contributed
venomously.

"After you stole it from us!" the Ta-hoer speaker
shot back.

"Only after you cheated us out of it at the Big
Game."

"That call was totally legal! The rules clearly
state...."

"That rule hasn't been enforced for three hundred

120

Robert Asprin

years. There are four rulings on record which have
since contradicted...."

"Gentlemen, please!" Aahz called, holding up his
hands for order. "All that is water under the draw-
bridge, as well as being totally beside the point. Re-
member, neither of you currently have the Trophy.
We do."

There was a moment of tense silence as both sides
absorbed this observation. Finally, the Ta-hoer
speaker stepped forward.

"Very well," he said firmly. "Name your price
for its return. The Ta-hoe Council is prepared to
offer..."

"Veygus will top any offer Ta-hoe makes."

"And Ta-hoe will double any offer that Veygus
makes," the speaker shot back.

This was starting to sound pretty good to me.
Maybe I've been hanging around with Aahz too long,
but the potential financial benefits of our situation
impressed me as being exceptionally good. The only
foreseeable difficulty was Aahz's insistence that he
was going to keep his birthday present.

"If you try anything, our magician will..."

"Your magician! We fired her. If she tries any-
thing, our magician will..."

The raging debate forced its way into my con-
sciousness again. That last bit sounded like it could
get very ugly very quickly. I snuck a nervous glance
at Aahz, but as usual he was way ahead of me.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen!" he admonished, raising
his hands once more.

"Who are you calling a gentleman?"

"And ladies," my mentor amended, squinting at
the source of the voice. "What-da-ya know. ERA
strikes again."

"What's an eerah?" the Ta-hoe spokesman
frowned, echoing my thoughts exactly.

"It seems," Aahz continued, ignoring the question
entirely, "that our motives have been misconstrued.

MYTH DIRECTIONS        121

We didn't appropriate the Trophy to ransom it.
Quite the contrary. It has been our intention all along
to see that it goes to its rightful owners."
An ugly growl arose from the Veygans.
"Excellent!" beamed the Ta-hoe spokesman. "If
you won't accept a reward, will you at least accom-
pany us back to town as our guests. There's sure to
be celebrating and..."

"I said 'the rightful owner.' " Aahz smiled, cut-
ting him off.

The spokesman paused, his smile melting to a dan-
gerous scowl. "Are you saying we aren't the rightful
owners?" he snarled. "If you thought Veygus had a
better claim, why did you steal it in the first place?"

"Let me run it past you one more time," my
mentor sighed. "The Trophy's going to its rightful
owner. That lets Veygus out, too."

That took the spokesman aback. I didn't blame
him. Aahz's logic had me a bit confused, too ... and
I was on his side!

"If I understand it correctly," Aahz continued
grandly, "the Trophy goes to the winning team—that
wins the Big Game—as their award for being the
year's best team. Is that right?"

"Of course," the spokesman nodded.

"Why do you assume the team that wins the Big
Game is the best team?" Aahz asked innocently.

"Because there are only two teams. So it follows
logically that.. ."

"That's where you're wrong," my mentor inter-
rupted. "There is another team."

"Another team?" the spokesman blinked.

"That's right. A team that neither of your teams
has faced, much less beaten. Now, we maintain that
until that team is defeated, neither Ta-hoe nor
Veygus has the right to declare their team the year's
best!"

My stomach did a flip-flop. I was getting a bad
feeling about this.

122 Robert Asprin

"That's ridiculous!" called the Veygus spokes-
man. "We've never heard of another team. Whose
team is this, anyway?"

"Ours," Aahz smiled. "And we're challenging
both your teams to a game, a three-way match, right
here in thirty days ... Winner takes all."

Bad feeling confirmed. For a moment, I con-
sidered altering my disguise and sneaking out with
one of the delegations. Then I realized that option
was closed. Both groups had stepped back well out of
ear-shot to discuss Aahz's proposal. That put them
far away, so that I couldn't join them without being
noticed. With nothing else to do, I turned on Aahz.

"This is your plan?" I demanded. "Setting us up
to play a game we know absolutely nothing about
against not one but two teams who've been playing it
for five hundred years? That's not a plan, that's a
disaster!"

"I figure it's our best chance to spring Tanda and
keep the Trophy, "my mentor shrugged.

"It's a chance to get our heads beaten in," I cor-
rected. "There's got to be an easier way."

"There was," Aahz agreed. "Unfortunately, you
eliminated it when you promised we wouldn't do
anything to endanger Quigley's job."

I hate it when Aahz is right. I hate it almost as
much as getting caught in my own stupid blunders.
More often than not, those two phenomena occur
simultaneously in my life.

"Why didn't you tell me about this plan before?"
I asked to hide my discomfort.

"Would you have gone along with it if I had?"

"No."

"That's why."

"What happens if we refuse your challenge?" the
Ta-hoe spokesman called.

"Then we consider ourselves the winners by
default," Aahz replied.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         123

"Well, Veygus will be there," came the decision
from the other group.

"And so will Ta-hoe," was the spontaneous re-
sponse.

"If I might ask," the Ta-hoe spokesman queried,
"why did you pick a date thirty days from now?"

"It'll take time for you to lay out a triangular
field," my mentor shrugged. "And besides, I
thought your merchants would require more than a
week to prepare their souvenirs."

There were nods in both groups for that reasoning.

"Then it's agreed?" Aahz prompted.

"Agreed!" roared Veygus.

"Agreed!" echoed Ta-hoe.

"Speaking of merchandizing," the Ta-hoe spokes-
man commented, "what is the name of your team?
We'll need it before we can go into production of the
souvenirs."

"We're called 'The Demons,' " Aahz said, wink-
ing at me. In a flash I saw that his plan really was.
"Would you like to know why?"

"Well ... I would assume it's because you play
like demons," the Ta-hoe spokesman stammered.

"Not 'like' demons!" my mentor grinned. "Shall
we show them, partner?"

"Why not?" I smiled, closing my eyes.

In a moment, our disguises were gone, and for the
first time the delegates had a look at what was oppos-
ing them.

"As I was saying," Aahz announced, showing all
his teeth, "not 'like' demons."

It was a good gambit, and it should have worked.
Any sane person would quake at the thought of tak-
ing on a team of demons. No sacrifice would be too
great to avoid the confrontation. We had overlooked
one minor detail, however. Jahks 'are not sane
people.

"Excellent," the Ta-hoe spokesman exclaimed.

"What?" Aahz blinked, his smile fading.

124 Robert Asprin

"This should keep the odds even," the spokesman
continued. "That's what we were discussing . . .
whether you could field a good enough team to make
a fight of it. But now . . . well, everyone will want to
see//usmatchup."

"You . . . aren't afraid of playing against
demons?" my mentor asked slowly.

Now it was the spokesman's turn to smile.

"My dear fellow," he chortled, "if you had ever
seen our teams play, you wouldn't have to ask that
question."

With that, he turned and rejoined his delegation as
the two groups prepared to withdraw from the meet-
ing.

"Didn't you listen in on their conversations?" I
hissed.

"If you'll recall," Aahz growled back, "I was
busy talking with you at the time."

"Then we're stuck," I moaned.

"Maybe not," he corrected. "Quigley! Could we
have a word with you?''

The ex-demon hunter lost no time in joining us.

"I must say," he chortled. "You boys did an ex-
cellent job of getting me out of a tight spot there.
Now it's a matter of pride for them to win the
Trophy back on the playing field."

"Swell," Aahz growled. "Now how about your
part of the deal? Ta-hoe has its chance, so there's no
reason for you to keep Tanda."

"Mmm ... yes and no," Quigley corrected. "It
occurs to me that if I release her now, then you'll
have the Trophy and Tanda, and would therefore
have no motive to return for the game. To fulfill your
promise, to give Ta-hoe a chance for the Trophy, the
game will have to take place. Then I'll release
Tanda."

"Thanks a lot," my mentor spat.

"Don't mention it," the ex-demon hunter waved
as he went to rejoin his group.

MYTH DIRECTIONS        125

"Now what do we do?" I asked.

"We form a team," Aahz shrugged. "Hey, Grif-
fin!"

"What is it now?" the youth growled.

"We have one more job for you," my mentor
smiled. "All you have to do is help us train our team.
There are ... a few points of the game that aren't
very clear to us."

"No," said Griffin firmly.

"Now look, short stuff. . ."

"Wait a minute, Aahz," I interrupted. "Griffin,
this time we aren't threatening you. I'm offering you
a job at good wages to help us."

"What!?" Aahz shrieked.

"Shut up, Aahz."

"You don't understand," Griffin interrupted in
turn. "Neither threats nor money will change my
mind. I helped you steal the Trophy from Veygus,
but I won't help you against my own team. I'd die
before I'd do that."

"There are worse things than dying," Aahz sug-
gested ominously.

"Let it drop, Aahz," I said firmly. "Thanks any-
way, Griffin. You've been a big help when we needed
you, so I won't fault you for holding back now.
Hurry up. The others are waiting."

We watched as he trotted off to join his delegation.

"You know, kid," Aahz sighed at last, "sometime
we're going to have to have a long talk about these
lofty ideals of yours."

"Sure, Aahz," I nodded. "In the meantime, what
are we going to do about this game?"

"What else can we do?" my mentor shrugged.
"We put together a team."

"Just like that," I winced. "And where are we
going to find the players, much less someone who can
tell us how the game is played?"

"Where else?" Aahz grinned, setting the D-
Hopper. "The Bazaar at Deva!"

Chapter Eighteen:

"What's the point-spread on World
War III?"

—R.REAGAN

AT several other points in this tale, I've referred to
the Bazaar at Deva. You may be wondering about it.
So do I... and I've been there!

Deva is the home dimension of the Deveels, ac-
knowledged to be the best traders anywhere. You
may find references to them in your folklore. Deals
with Deveels are usually incredible and frequently
disastrous. I've dealt with only two Deveels person-
ally. One got me hung (not hung-over from drink—
but hung up by the neck!) and the other sold me my
dragon, Gleep. I like to think that makes me even,
but Aahz insists I'm batting zero—whatever that
means.

Anyway, there is a year-round, rock-the-clock
Bazaar in that dimension where the Deveels meet to
trade with each other. Everything imaginable and
most things that aren't are available there. All you
have to do is bargain with the Deveels. Fortunately,

126

MYTH DIRECTIONS        127

the Bazaar is large enough that there is much duplica-
tion, and sometimes you can play the dealers off
against each other.

I had been here twice before, both times with
Aahz. This was, however, the first time I had been
here when it was raining.

"It's raining," I pointed out, scowling at the
overhanging clouds. They were a dark orange, which
was quite picturesque, but did nothing toward mak-
ing getting wet more pleasant.

"I know it's raining," Aahz retorted tersely.
"C'mon. Let's step in here while I get my bearings."

"Here," in this case, was some sort of invisible
bubble enveloping one stall which seemed to be doing
an admirable job of keeping the rain out. I've used
magik wards before to keep out unwelcome in-
truders, but it had never occurred to me to use it
against the elements.

"Buying or looking, gentlemen?" the proprietor
asked, sidling up to us.

I glanced at Aahz, but he was up on his tiptoes sur-
veying the surroundings.

"Um... looking, I guess."

"Then stand in the rain!" came the snarling reply.
"Force fields cost money, you know. This is a
display, not a public service."

"What's a force field?" 1 stalled.

"Out!"

"C'mon, kid," Aahz said. "I know where we are
now."

"Where?" I asked suspiciously.

"In the stall of the Bazaar's rudest dealer," my
mentor explained, raising his voice. "I wouldn't have
believed it if I hadn't heard him with my own ears."

"What's that?" the proprietor scowled.

"Are you Garbelton?" Aahz asked, turning his at-
tention on the proprietor.

"Well... yes."

128

MYTH DIRECTIONS        129

Robert Asprin

"Your reputation precedes you, sir," my mentor
intoned loftily, "and is devastatingly accurate.
Come, Master Skeeve, we'll take our business
elsewhere."

"But, gentlemen!" Garbelton called desperately,
"if you'll only reconsider ..."

The rest was lost as Aahz gathered me up and
strode off into the rain.

"What was that all about?" I demanded, breaking
stride to jump a puddle. Aahz stepped squarely on it,
splashing maroon mud all over my legs. Terrific.
• "That? Oh, just a little smokescreen to save face.
It isn't good for your reputation to get thrown out of
places . .. particularly for not buying."

"You mean you hadn't heard of him before? Then
how did you know his name?"

"It was right there on the stall's placard," Aahz
grinned. "Sure gave him a turn, though, didn't I?
There's nothing a Deveel hates as much as losing a
potential customer... except for giving a refund."

As much as I care for*Aahz and appreciate the
guidance he's given me, he can be a bit stomach-
turning when he starts gloating.

"We're still out in the rain," I pointed out.

"Ah, but now we know where we're going."

"We do?"

Aahz groaned, swerving to avoid a little old lady
who was squatting in the middle of the thoroughfare
chortling over a cauldron. As we passed, a large hairy
paw emerged from the cauldron's depth, but the lady
whacked it with her wooden spoon and it retreated
out 6f sight. Aahz ignored the entire proceedings.

"Look, kid," he explained, "we're looking for
two things here. First, we need to recruit some
players for our team."

"How can we recruit for the team when we don't
know the first thing about the game?" I interrupted.

"Second," my mentor continued tersely, "we have

to find someone who can fill us in on the details of
the game."

"Oh."

Properly mollified, I plodded along beside him in
silence for several moments, sneaking covert glances
at the displays we were passing. Then something oc-
curred to me.

"Say ... ummmm, Aahz?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"You never answered my question. Where are we
going?"

"To the Yellow Crescent Inn."

"The Yellow Crescent Inn?" 1 echoed, brightening
slightly. "Are we going to see Gus?"

"That's right," Aahz grinned. "Gus is a heavy
bettor. He should be able to put us in touch with a
reliable bookie. Besides he owes us a favor. Maybe
we can get him for the team."

"Good," I said, and meant it.

Gus is a gargoyle. He was part of the crew we used
to stop Big Julie's army and I trust him as much as I
do Aahz .. . maybe a little more. Anyone who's used
the expression "heart of stone" to mean insensitive
has never met Gus. I assume his heart is stone, the
rest of him is, but he's one of the warmest, most sym-
pathetic beings I've ever met. He's also without a
doubt the stablest being that I've met through Aahz.
If Gus joined our team, I'd worry a lot less . . . well,
a little less. Then again, he might be too sensible to
get involved in this madcap scheme. And as for the
bookies...

"Hey, Aahz," I blinked. "What do we need a
bookie for?"

"To brief us on the game, of course."

"A bookie from Deva is going to tell us how to
play the game in Jahk?"

"It's the best we can do," Aahz shrugged. "You
heard Griffin. Nobody in Jahk will give us the time

130 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 131

of day, much less help us put a team together. Cheer
up, though. Bookies are very knowledgeable in spec-
tator sports, and the ones here in Deva are the best."

I pondered this for several moments, then decided
to ask the question that had been bothering me since
the meeting.

"Aahz? When you issued the challenge, did you
really expect to play the game?"

My mentor stopped dead in his tracks and whirled
to face me.

"Do you think I'd issue a challenge without in-
tending to fight?" he demanded. "Do you think I'm
a big-mouthed bluffer who'd rather talk his way out
of trouble than fight?"
"It had crossed my mind," I admitted.
"Well, you're right," he grinned, resuming his
stride. "You're learning pretty fast—for a Klahd.
No, I really thought they'd back down when we
dropped our disguises. That and I didn't think Quig-
ley would see through the ploy and call our hand."

"He's learning fast, too," I commented. "I'm
afraid he could become a real problem."

"Not a chance," my mentor snorted. "You've got
him beat cold in the magik department."

"Except I've promised not to move against him,"
I observed glumly.

"Don't let it get you down," Aahz insisted, drap-
ing an arm around my shoulders. "We've both made
some stupid calls on this one. All we can do is play
the cards we're dealt."
"Bite the bullet, eh?" I grimaced.
"That's right. Say, you really are learning quick."
I still didn't know what a bullet was, but I was
picking up some of Aahz's pet phrases. At least now
I could give the illusion of intelligence.

The Yellow Crescent Inn was in sight now. I
expected Aahz to quicken his pace ... I mean, it
was raining. Instead, however, my mentor slowed

slightly, peering at a mixed group of beings huddled
under a tent-flap.

"Hel-lo!" he exclaimed. "What have we here?"

"It looks like a mixed group of beings huddled
under a tent-flap," I observed dryly, or as dryly as I
could manage while dripping wet.

"It's a crap game," Aahz declared. "I can hear the
dice."

Trust a Pervect to hear the sound of dice on mud at
a hundred paces.

"So?" I urged.

"So I think we've found our bookie. The tall fel-
low, there—at the back of the crowd. I've dealt with
him before."

"Are we going to talk to him now?" I asked
eagerly.

"Not 'we,' " Aahz corrected me. "Me. You get in
enough trouble in cleancut crowds without my taking
you into a crap game. You're going to wait for me in
the Inn. Gus should be able to keep an eye on you."

"Oh, all right."

I was disappointed, but willing to get out of the
rain.

"And don't stop to talk to anyone between here
and there. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, Aahz," I nodded, starting off at a trot.

"And whatever you do, don't eat the food!"

"Are you kidding?" I laughed. "I've been here

before."

The food at the Yellow Crescent Inn is dubious
at best. Even after dimension hopping with Tananda
and seeing what was accepted as food elsewhere, I
wouldn't put anything from that place in my mouth
voluntarily.

As I approached, I could see through the door that
the place was empty. This surprised me. I mean,
from my prior experience, there was usually a good-
sized crowd in there, and I would have expected the

132 Robert Asprin

rain to increase the number of loiterers.

Gus wasn't in sight, either; but the door was open,
so I pushed my way in, relieved to be somewhere dry
again. I shouldn't have been.

No sooner had I gained entry when something like
a large hand closed over the top of my head and I was
hoisted bodily from my feet.

"Little person!" a booming voice declared.
"Crunch likes little persons. Crunch likes little per-
sons better than Big Macs. How do you taste, little
person?"

With this last, I was rotated until I was hanging
face to face with my assailant. In this case, I use the
term "face" loosely. It had felt like I was being
picked up by a big hand because I was being picked
up by a big hand. At the other end of the big hand
was the first and only troll it had been my misfortune
to meet... and he looked hungry.

Chapter Nineteen:

"Why should I have to pay a troll just
to cross a bridge?"

—B. G. GRUFF

WHILE I had never seen a troll before, I knew that
this was one. I mean, he fit the description: tall,
scraggly hair in patches, long rubbery limbs, mis-
shapen face with runny eyes of unequal size. If it
wasn't a troll, it would do until something better—or
worse—came along.

I should have been scared, but strangely I wasn't.
For some time now I had been ducking and weaving
through some tight situations trying to avoid trouble.
Now, Big Ugly here wanted to hassle me. This time, I
wasn't buying.

"Why little person not answer Crunch?" the troll
demanded, shaking me slightly.

"You want an answer?" I snarled. "Try this!"

Levitation is one of my oldest spells, and I used it
now. Reaching out with my mind, I picked up a chair
and slammed it into his face.

He didn't even blink.

133

134 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 135

Then I got scared.

"What's going on out here?!" Gus bellowed,
charging out of the kitchen. "Any fights, and I'll...
Skeeve!!"

"Tell your customer here to put me down before I
tear off his arm and feed it to him!" I called, my con-
fidence returning with the arrival of reinforcements.

I needn't have said anything. The effect of Gus's
words on the troll was nothing short of miraculous.

"Skeeve?" my assailant gaped, setting me gently
on my feet. "I say. Bloody good to make your ac-
quaintance. I've heard so much about you, you
know. Chumly here."

The hand which had so recently fastened on my
head now seized my hand and began pumping it
gently with each adjective.

"Ummm ... a pleasure, I'm sure," I stammered,
trying vainly to retrieve my hand. "Say, weren't you
talking differently before?''

"Oh, you mean Crunch?" Chumly laughed.
"Beastly fellow. Still, he serves his purpose. Keeps
the riffraff at a distance, you know."

"What he's trying to say," Gus supplied, "is that
it's an act he puts on to scare people. It's lousy for
business when he drops in for a visit, but it does
mean we can talk uninterrupted. That's about the
only way you can talk to Chumly. He's terribly shy."

"Oh, tosh," the troll proclaimed, digging at the
floor with his toe. "I'm only giving the public what it
wants. Not much work for a vegetarian troll, you
know."

"A vegetarian troll?" I asked incredulously.
"Weren't you about to eat me a minute ago?"

"Perish the thought," Chumly shuddered. "Pres-
ently I would have allowed you to squirm free and
run . . . except, of course, you wouldn't. Quite a
spirited lad, isn't he?"

"You don't know the half of it," the gargoyle

answered through his perma-grin. "Why, when we
took on Big Julie's army..."

"Chumly!" Aahz exclaimed, bursting through the
door.

"Aahz," the troll answered. "I say, this is a spot
of all right. What brings you ..."

He broke off suddenly, eyeing the Deveel who had
followed Aahz into the inn.

"Oh, don't mind the Geek here," my mentor
waved. "He's helping us with some trouble we're
having."

"The Geek? "I frowned.

"It's a nickname," the Deveel shrugged.

"I knew it," Gus proclaimed, sinking into a chair.
"Or I should have known it when I saw Skeeve. The
only time you come to visit is when there's trouble."

"If you blokes are going to have a war council,
perhaps I'd better amble along," Chumly suggested.

"Stick around," Aahz instructed. "It involves
Tanda."

"Tanda?" the troll frowned. "What has that bit
of fluff gone and gotten herself into now?"

"You know Tanda?" I asked.

"Oh, quite," Chumly smiled. "She's my little
sister."

"Your sister?" I gaped.

"Rather. Didn't you notice the family resem-
blance?"

"Well... I, ah ... " I fumbled.

"Don't let him kid you," my mentor grinned.
"Tanda and Chumly are from Trollia, where the men
are Trolls and the women are Trollops. With men
like this back home, you can understand why Tanda
spends as much time as she does dimension hop-
ping."

"That's quite enough of that," Chumly instructed
firmly. "I want to hear what's happened to little
sister."

136 Robert Asprin

"In a bit," Aahz waved. "First let's see what in-
formation the Geek here has for us."

"I can't believe I let you pull me out of a hot crap
game to meet with this zoo," the Deveel grumbled.

"Zoo?" echoed Gus. He was still smiling, but
then, he always smiled. Personally, I didn't like the
tone of his voice.

Apparently Aahz didn't either, as he hastened to
move the conversation along.

"You should thank me for getting you out," he
observed, "before the rest of them figured out that
you'd switched the dice."

"You spotted that?" the Geek asked, visibly im-
pressed. "Then maybe it's just as well I bailed out.
When a Pervert can spot me ..."

"That's a Pervect!" Aahz corrected, showing all
his teeth.

"Oh! Yes ... of course," the Deveel amended,
pinking visibly.

For his sake, I hoped he had some good informa-
tion for us. In an amazingly short time he had man-
aged to rub everyone wrong. Then again, Deveels
have never been noted for their personable ways.

"So what can you tell us about the game on
Jahk?" I prompted.

"How much are you paying me?" the Geek
yawned.

"As much as the information's worth," Aahz sup-
plied grimly. "Probably more."

The Deveel studied him for a moment, then
shrugged.

"Fair enough," he declared. "You've always
made good on your debts, Aahz. I suppose I can trust
you on this one."

"So what can you tell us?" I insisted.

Now it was my turn to undergo close scrutiny, but
the gaze turned on me was noticeably colder than the

MYTH DIRECTIONS         137

one Aahz had suffered. With a lazy motion, the Geek
reached down and pulled a dagger from his boot and
tossed it aloft with a twirl. Catching it with his other
hand, he sent it up again, forming a glittering arch
from hand to hand, never taking his eyes from mine.

"You're pretty mouthy for a punk Klahd," he
observed. "Are you this mouthy when you don't
have a pack of goons around to back your move?"

"Usually," I admitted. "And they aren't goons,
they're my friends."

As I spoke, I reached out once more with my mind,
caught the knife, gave it an extra twirl, then stopped
it dead in the air, its point hovering bare inches from
the Deveel's throat. Like I said, I was getting a little
tired of people throwing their weight around.

The Geek didn't move a muscle, but now he was
watching the knife instead of me.

"In case you missed it the first time around," Gus
supplied, still smiling, "this 'punk Klahd's' name is
Skeeve.TheSkeeve."

The Deveel pinked again. I was starting to enjoy
having a reputation.

"Why don't you sit down. Geek," Aahz sug-
gested, "and tell the k . . . Skeeve . . . what he wants
to know?"

The Deveel obeyed, apparently eager to move
away from the knife. That being the case, I naturally
let it follow him.

Once he was seated, I gave it one last twirl and set
it lightly on the table in front of him. That reassured
him somewhat, but he still kept glancing at it nerv-
ously as he spoke.

"I ... urn ... I really don't have that much in-
formation," he began uncomfortably. "They only
play one game a year, and the odds are usually
even."

"How is the game played?" Aahz urged.

138

MYTH DIRECTIONS         139

Robert Asprin

"Never seen it, myself," the Geek shrugged. "It's
one of those get-the-ball-in-the-net games. I'm more
familiar with the positions than the actual play."

"Then what are the positions?" I asked.

"It's a five-man team," the Deveel explained.
"Two forwards, or Fangs, chosen for their speed and
agility; one guard or Interceptor, for power; a goal-
tender or Castle, who is usually the strongest man on
the team; and a Rider, a mounted player who is used
both for attack and defense."

"Sounds straightforward enough," my mentor

commented.

"Can't you tell us anything at all about the play?"

I pressed.

"Well, I'm not up on the strategies," the Geek
frowned. "But I have a general idea of the action.
The team in possession of the ball has four tries to
score a goal. They can move the ball by running,
kicking, or throwing. Once the ball is immobilized,
the try is over and they line up for their next try. Of
course, the defense tries to stop them."

"Run, kick, or throw," Aahz murmured.
"Hmmm . . . sounds like defense could be a prob-
lem. What are the rules regarding conduct on the

field?"
"Players can't use edged weapons on each other,"

the Deveel recited. "Any offenders will be shot down

on the spot."

"Sensible rule," I said, swallowing hard. "What

else?"
• ' 'That's it,'' the Geek shrugged.

"That's it?" Aahz exclaimed. "No edged weap-
ons? That'sit?"

"Both for the rules and my knowledge of the
game," the Deveel confirmed. "Now, if we can settle
accounts, I'll be on my way."

1 wanted to cross-examine him, but Aahz caught

my eye and shook his head.

"Would you settle for a good tip?" he asked.

"Only if it was a really good tip," the Geek
responded dourly.

"Have you heard about the new game on Jahk?
The three-way brawl that's coming up?"

"Of course," the Deveel shrugged.

"You have?" I blinked. I mean we had only just
set it up!

"I have a professional stake in keeping up on
these things."

"Uh-huh!" my mentor commented judiciously.
"How are the odds running?"

"Even up for Ta-hoe and Veygus. This new team is
throwing everyone for a loop, though. Since no one
can get a line on them, they're heavy underdogs."

"If we could give you an inside track on this dark-
horse team," Aahz said, looking at the ceiling,
"would that square our account?"

"You know about the Demons?" the Geek asked
eagerly. "If you do, it's a deal. With inside info, I
could be the only one at the Bazaar with the data to
fix the real odds."

"Done!" my mentor declared. "We're the
Demons."

That got him. The Geek sagged back in his chair
for a moment, open mouthed. Then he cocked his
head at us.

"You mean, you're financing the team?"

"We are the team ... or part of it. We're still put-
ting it together."

The Deveel started to say something, then changed
his mind. Rising silently, he headed for the door,
hesitated with one hand on the knob, then left with-
out saying a word.

Somehow, I found his reaction ominous.

"How 'bout that, kid," Aahz chortled. "I got the

140 Robert Asprin

information without paying a cent!"

"I don't like the way he looked," I announced,
still staring at the door.

"C'mon. Admit it! I just got us a pretty good

deal."

"Aahz?" I said slowly. "What is it you always
told me about dealing with Deveels?"

"Hmmm? Oh, you mean, 'If you think you've
made a good deal with a Deveel...!'"

He broke off, his jubilance fading.

" 'First count your fingers, then your limbs, then
your relatives!' " I finished for him. "Are you sure
you got a good deal?''

Our eyes met, and neither of us were smiling.

Chapter Twenty:

"What are friends for?"

—R. M. NIXON

WE were still pondering our predicament, when
Chumly interrupted our thoughts.

"You blokes do seem to be having a bit of diffi-
culty," he said, draping an arm around both of our
shoulders. "But if it wouldn't be too much trouble,
could you enlighten me as to what all this has to do
withTanda?"

Normally, this would sound like a casual request.
When one pauses to consider, however, that the
casual request was coming from a troll half again as
tall as we were, and capable of mashing our heads
like normal folks squash grapes, the request takes on
a high priority no matter how politely it's phrased.

"Well, you know this game we're talking about?"
Aahz began uneasily.

"Tanda's the prize," I finished lamely.

Chumly was silent. Then his grip on my shoulder
tightened slightly.

141

142          Robert Asprin

"Forgive me," he smiled. "For a moment there I
thought you said my little sister is the prize in some
primitive, spectator brawl."

"Actually," Aahz explained hastily, trying to edge
away, "the kid, here, was there when she was cap-
tured."

"But it was Aahz that got her involved in the
game," I countered, edging in the other direction.

"You chaps got her into this?" the troll asked
softly, his grip holding us firmly in place. "I thought
you were trying to rescue her."

"Whoa! Everybody calm down!" Gus ordered,
stepping into the impending brawl. "Nobody wrecks
this place but me. Chumly, let's all sit down and hear
this from the top."

I was pretty calm myself ... at least, I wasn't
about to start a fight. Still, Gus's suggestion was a
welcome change in direction from the one the conver-
sation was headed in.

This time, I needed no prompting to let Aahz do
the talking. While he gets trapped in oversights from
time to time, if given free rein, he can and has talked
us out of some seemingly impossible situations. This
was no exception. Though he surprised me by stick-
ing to the truth, by the time he was done, Chumly's
frozen features had softened to a thoughtful stare.

"I must say," the troll commented finally, "it
seems little sister has done it to herself this time. You
seem to have tried everything you could to effect her
release."

"We could give the Trophy back," I suggested.

Aahz kicked me under the table.

"Out of the question," Chumly snorted. "It's
Aahz's gift fair and square. If Tanda got herself in
trouble acquiring it, that's bloody well her problem.
You can't expect Aahz to feel responsible."

"Yes, I can," I corrected.

"No," the troll declared. "The only acceptable

MYTH DIRECTIONS        143

solution is to trounce these blighters soundly at their
own game. I trust you'll allow me to fill a position on
your team?"

"I'd had my hopes," my mentor grinned.

"Count me in, too," Gus announced, flexing his
stone wings. "Can't let you all go into a brawl like
this without my steadying influence.''

"See, kid?" Aahz grinned. "Things are looking up
already."

"Say, Aahz," I said carefully. "It occurs to me
. . . you know that Rider position? Well, it seems to
me we'd have a big psychological advantage if our
Rider was sitting on top of a dragon."

"You're right."

"Aw, c'mon, Aahz! Just because Gleep's a bit...
Did you say 'you're right'?"

"Right. Affirmative. Correct," my mentor
nodded. "Sometimes you come up with some pretty
good ideas."

"Gee, Aahz..."

"But not that stupid little dragon of yours," he in-
sisted. "We're going to use that monster we got with
Big Julie's army."

"But, Aahz. .."

"But, Aahz nothing! C'mon, Gus! Close up shop
here. We're heading for Klah to pick up a dragon!"

Now, Klah is my home dimension, and no matter
what my fellow dimension travelers say, I think it's a
pretty nice one to live in. Still, after spending exten-
sive time in some other dimensions, however pleas-
antly familiar the sights of Klah seem, they do look a
little drab.

Aahz had surprised me by bringing us well north of
Possiltum, instead of at our own quarters in the royal
palace. I inquired about this, and for a change my
mentor gave me a straight answer.

"It's all in how you set the D-Hopper," he ex-

144 Robert Asprin

plained. "You've got eight dials to play with, and
they let you control both which dimension you're go-
ing to as well as where you are when you arrive."

"Does that mean we could use it to go from one
place to another in the same dimension?" I asked.

"Hmmm," Aahz frowned. "I really don't know.
It never occurred to me to try. We'll have to check
into it sometime."

"Well then, why did you pick this arrival point?"

"That's easy," my mentor grinned, gesturing at
our colleagues. "I wasn't sure what our reception at
the palace would be like if we arrived with a troll and
a gargoyle."

He had me there. At the Bazaar disguises had been
unnecessary, and I had gotten so used to seeing
strange beings around me it had completely slipped
my mind that our group would be a strange sight to
the average Klahd.

"Sorry, Aahz," I flushed. "I forgot."

"Don't worry about it," my mentor waved. "If it
had been important I would have said something to
you before we left the Bazaar. I just wanted to shake
you up a little to remind you to pay attention to
details. The real reason we're here instead of at the
palace is, we want to see Big Julie, and I'm too lazy
to walk the distance if we could cover it with the D-
Hopper."

Despite his reassurances, I got to work correcting
my oversight. To redeem myself, I decided to show
Aahz I had been practicing during my tour with
Tananda. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on disguis-
ing Gus and Chumly at the same time.

"Not bad, kid," Aahz commented. "They're a
little villainous looking, but acceptable."

"I thought it would help us avoid trouble if they
looked a little mean," I explained modestly.

"Not bad?" Chumly snarled. "I look like a
Klahd!"

MYTH DIRECTIONS         145

"I think you look cute as a Klahd," Gus quipped.

"Cute? CUTE?" Chumly bristled. "Who ever
heard of a cute troll? I say, Aahz, is this really neces-
sary?"

"Unfortunately, yes," my mentor replied, his grin
belying his expression of sympathy. "Remember,
you aren't supposed to be a troll just now. Just a
humble citizen of this lower than humble dimen-
sion."

"Why aren't you disguised?" the troll asked
suspiciously, obviously unconvinced.

"I'm already known around here as the apprentice
of the court magician," Aahz countered innocently.
"Folks are used to seeing me like this."

"Well," Chumly grumbled, "there'll be bloody
Hell to pay if anyone I know sees me looking like
this."

"If anyone you know sees you like this, they won't
recognize you," I pointed out cautiously.

The troll thought about that for a moment, then
slowly nodded his head.

"I suppose you're right," he conceded at last.
"Let's off to find this Big Julie, hmmm? The less
time I spend looking like this, the better."

"Don't get your hopes too high," Aahz cautioned.
"We're going to do our training in this dimension, so
you might as well get used to being a Klahd for a
while."

"Bloody Hell," was the only reply.

True to his plans for retirement. Big Julie was
relaxing on the lawn of his cottage, drinking wine
when we arrived. To the casual observer, he might
seem nothing more than a spindly old man basking in
the sun. Then again, the casual observer wouldn't
have known him when he was commanding the
mightiest army ever to grace our dimension. This was
probably just as well. Julie was still hiding from a

146 Robert Asprin

particularly nasty batch of loan sharks who were very
curious as to why he and his men gave up soldiering
. . . and hence their ability to pay back certain old
gambling debts.

"Aye! Hello, boys!" he boomed, waving en-
thusiastically. "Long time no see, ya know? Pull up a
chair and have some wine. What brings you out this
way,eh?"

"A little bit of pleasure and a lot of business,"
Aahz explained, casually gathering to his bosom the
only pitcher of wine in sight. "We've got a little fa-
vor to ask."

"If it's mine, it's yours," Julie announced.
"Whatdayaneed?"

"Is there any more wine?" I asked hastily.

Long years of experience had taught me not to ex-
pect Aahz to share a pitcher of wine. One was barely
enough for him.

"Sure. I got lots. Badaxe is inside now getting
some."

"Badaxe?" Aahz frowned. "What's he doing
here?"

"At the moment, wondering what you're doing
here," came a booming voice.

We all turned to find the shaggy-mountain form of
Possiltum's general framed in the doorway of the
cottage, a pitcher of wine balanced in each hand.
Hugh Badaxe always seemed to me to be more beast
than man, though I'll admit his curly dark hair and
beard when viewed in conjunction with his favorite
animal skin cloak contributed greatly to the image.
Of course, beasts didn't use tools, while Badaxe
definitely did. A massive double-edged axe dangled
constantly from his belt, at once his namesake and
his favorite tool of diplomacy.

"We just dropped in to have a few words with Big
Julie here," my mentor replied innocently.

"What about?" the general demanded. "I thought

MYTH DIRECTIONS        147

we agreed that all military matters would be brought
to me before seeking Big Julie's advice. I am the
Commander of Possiltum's army, you know."

"Now, Hugh," Julie soothed, "the boys just
wanted to ask me for a little favor, that's all. If it in-
volved the army, they would've come to you. Right,
boys?"

Aahz and I nodded vigorously. Gus and Chumly
looked blank. We had overlooked briefing them on
General Badaxe and his jealousies regarding power.

"You see?" Julie continued. "Now, then, Aahz,
what sort of favor can I do for you?"

"Nothing much," my mentor shrugged. "We were
wondering if we could borrow your dragon for a little
while."

"My dragon? What do you need my dragon for?
You've already got a dragon."

"We need a big dragon," Aahz evaded.

"A big dragon?" Julie echoed, frowning. "It
sounds like you boys are into something dangerous."

"Don't worry," I interjected confidently, "I'll be
riding the dragon in the Game, so nothing ..."

"Game?" Badaxe roared. "I knew it. You're
going into a war game without even consulting me."

"It's not a war game," I insisted.

"Yes, it is," Aahz corrected.

"It is?" I blinked.

"Think about it, kid," my mentor urged. "Any
spectator sport with teams is a form of wargaming."

"Then why wasn't I informed?" Badaxe
blustered. "As commander of Possiltum's armed
forces, any war games to be held fall under my juris-
diction."

"General," Aahz sighed, "the game isn't going to
be played in this kingdom."

"Any military . . . oh!" Badaxe paused, confused
by this turn of events. "Well, if it involves any
members of my army ..."

148 Robert Asprin

"It doesn't," my mentor interrupted. "This exer-
cise only involves a five-man team, and we've filled it
without drawing on the army's resources."

A bell went off in my mind. I ran a quick check,
which only confirmed my fears.

"Um...Aahz..."Ibegan.

"Not now, kid," he growled, "You see, general,
all your paranoid fears were ..."

"Aahz!" I insisted.

"What is it?" my mentor snarled, turning on me.

"We haven't got five players, only four."

Chapter Twenty-One:

"We've got an unbeatable team!"

—SAURON

"FOUR?" Aahz echoed blankly.

"I count real good up to five," I informed him
loftily, "and you, me, Gus and Chumly only make
four. See? One, two, three..."

"All right! I get the message," my mentor inter-
rupted, scowling at our two comrades. "Say Gus! I
don't suppose Berfert's along, is he?"

"C'mon, Aahz," I chided, "we can't claim a sala-
mander as a team member."

"Shut up, kid. How 'bout it, Gus?"

"Not this time," the gargoyle shrugged. "He ran
into a ladyfriend of his, and they decided to take a
vacation together."

"A lady friend?" Aahz asked, arching an eye-
brow.

"That's right," Gus nodded. "You might say
she's an old flame."

149

MYTH DIRECTIONS         151

Robert Asprin

150

"An old flame," the troll grinned. "I say, that's

rather good."

For a change, / got the joke, and joined Gus and
Chumly in a hearty round of laughter, while Badaxe

and Julie looked puzzled.
Aahz rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"That's all I need," he groaned. "One member
short, and the ones I've got are half-wits. When
you're all quite through, I'm open to suggestions as
to where we're going to find a fifth team member."
"I'll fill the position," Badaxe said calmly.
"You?" I gulped, my laughter forgotten.
"Of course," the general nodded. "It's my duty."
"Maybe I didn't make myself clear," Aahz inter-
jected. "Possiltum isn't involved in this at all."

"But its magician and his apprentice are," Badaxe
added pointedly. "You're both citizens of Possiltum,
and rather prominent citizens at that. Like it or not,
my duty is to protect you with any means at my
disposal—and in this case, that means me."

I hadn't thought of that. In a way, it was kind of
nice. Still, I wasn't wild about the general putting
himself in danger on our account.

"Ummm ... I appreciate your offer, general," I
began carefully, "but the game's going to be played a

long way from here."
"If you can survive the journey, so can I," Badaxe

countered firmly.

"But you don't understand!"

"Kid," Aahz interrupted in a thoughtful tone,
"why don't you introduce him to his potential team-
mates?"

"What? Oh, I'm sorry. General Badaxe, this is

Gus, and that's Chumly."

"No," my mentor smiled. "I mean introduce

him."
"Oh!" I said. "General, meet the rest of our

team."

As I spoke, I dropped the disguise spell, revealing
both gargoyle and troll in their true forms.

"Gus!" Big Julie roared. "I thought I recognized
your voice."

"Hi, Julie!" the gargoyle waved. "How's retire-
ment?"

"Pretty dull. Hey, help yourself to some wine!"

"Thanks."

Gus stepped forward and took the two pitchers of
wine from the general's nerveless grip, passing one to
Chumly. It occurred to me that I was the only one of
the crew who wasn't getting a drink out of this.

The general was transfixed, his eyes darting from
gargoyle to troll and back again. He had paled
slightly, but to his credit he hadn't given ground an
inch.

"Well, Badaxe," Aahz grinned, "still want to join
the team?"

The general licked his lips nervously, then tore his
eyes away from Gus and Chumly.

"Certainly," he announced. "I'd be proud to fight
alongside such . . . worthy allies. That is, if they'll
have me."

That dropped it in our laps.

"What do you think, Skeeve?" Aahz asked.
"You're the boss."

Correction. That dropped it in my lap. Aahz had
an annoying habit of yielding leadership just when
things got sticky. I was beginning to suspect it wasn't
always coincidence.

"Well, Lord Magician?" Badaxe rumbled. "Will
you accept my services for this expedition?"

I was stuck. No one could deny Badaxe's value in a
fight, but I had never warmed to him as a person. As
a teammate ...

"Gleep!"

The warning wasn't soon enough! Before I could
brace myself, I was hit from behind by a massive

152

Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 153

force and sent sprawling on my face. The slimy
tongue worrying the back of my head and the accom-
panying blast of incredibly bad breath could only

have one source.

"Gleep!" my pet announced proudly, pausing
briefly in his efforts to reach my face.

"What's that stupid dragon doing here?" Aahz
bellowed, unmoved by our emotional reunion.

"Ask Badaxe," Julie grinned. "He brought him."

"He did?" my mentor blinked, momentarily

stunned out of his anger.

I was a bit surprised myself. Pushing Gleep away
momentarily I scrambled to my feet and shot a ques-
tioning glance at the general.

For the first time since and including our original
confrontation, Hugh Badaxe looked uncomfortable.
The fierce warrior who wouldn't flinch before army,
magician, or demon couldn't meet our eyes.

"He was . . . well, with you two gone he was just
moping around," the general mumbled. "No one
else would go near him and I thought.. . well, that is
... it seemed logical that..."

"He brought him out to play with my dragon,"
Julie explained gleefully. "It seems the fierce general
here has a weak spot for animals."

Badaxe's head came up with a snap. "The dragon
served the Kingdom well in the last campaign," he
announced hotly. "It's only fair that someone sees to
his needs—as a veteran."

His bluster didn't fool anyone. There was no
reason why he should feel responsible for my dragon.
Even if he did, it would have been easy for him to
order some of his soldiers to see to my petrather than
attending to it personally as he had done. The truth
of the matter was that he liked Gleep.

As if to confirm our suspicions, my pet began to
frolic around him, waggling head and tail in move-
ments I knew were reserved for playmates. The gen-

eral stoically ignored him . . . which is not that easy
to do.

"Um . . . general?" I said carefully.

"Yes?"

I was fixed by a frosty gaze, daring me to comment
on the dragon's behavior.

"About our earlier conversation," I clarified hast-
ily. "I'm sure I speak for the rest of the team when I
say we're both pleased and honored to have you on
our side for the upcoming war game."

"Thank you. Lord Magician," he bowed stiffly.
"I trust you will find your confidence in me is not
misplaced."

"Now that that's settled," Aahz chortled, rubbing
his hands together. "Where's the big dragon? We've
got some practicing to do."

"He's asleep," Julie shrugged.

"Asleep? "Aahz echoed.

"That's right. He got into the barn, ate up over
half the livestock in the place. Now he's sleepin' like
a rock, you know? Probably won't wake up for a
couple of months at best."

"A couple of months!" my mentor groaned.
"Now what are we going to do? The kid's got to have
something to ride in the game!"

"Gleep!" my pet said, rolling on the ground at my
feet.

Aahz glared at me.

"He said it, I didn't," I declared innocently.

"Don't think we've got much choice, Aahz," Gus
pointed out.

"If you aren't used to them, any dragon would
seem rather frightening," Chumly supplied.

"All right! All right!" Aahz grimaced, throwing
up his hands in surrender. "If you're all willing to
risk it, I'll go along. As long as he doesn't drive me
nuts by always saying ..."

"Gleep?" my pet asked, swiveling his head around

154          Robert Asprin

to see what Aahz was shouting about.

"Then we're ready to start practicing?" I asked

hastily.

"As ready as we'll ever be, I guess," Aahz grum-
bled, glaring at the dragon.

"I know this isn't my fight," Big Julie put in, "but
what kinda strategies have you boys worked up?"

"Haven't yet," my mentor admitted. "But we'll

think of something.''

"Maybe I can give you a hand. I used to be pretty
good with small unit tactics. You know what I
mean?"

The next few weeks were interesting. You notice I
didn't say "instructive," just interesting. Aside from
learning to work together as a team, there was little
development among the individuals of our crew.

You could argue that with the beings we had on the
team, there was little development to be done. That
was their opinion. Nor was it easy to argue with
them. With the exception of myself, their physical
condition ranged from excellent to unbelievable.
What was more, they were all seasoned veterans of
countless battles and campaigns. From what we had
seen of the Jahks, any one of our team was more
than a match for five of our opponents—and to-
gether ...

Maybe that's what bothered me: the easy assur-
ance on everyone's part that we could win in a walk. I
know it bothered Big Julie.

"You boys are over-confident," he'd scold, shak-
ing his head in exasperation. "There's more to
fighting than strength. Know what I mean?"

"We've got more than strength," Aahz yawned.
"There's speed, agility, stamina, and with Gus
along, we've got air cover. Then again, Skeeve there
has a few tricks up his sleeve as a magician."

MYTH DIRECTIONS         155

"You forgot 'experience,' " Julie countered.
"These other guys, they've been playing this game
for what? Five hundred years now? They might have
a trick or two of their own."

With that stubborn argument, Julie would
threaten, wheedle, and cajole us into practicing. Un-
fortunately, most of the practice centered around
me.

Staying on Gleep's back was rough enough. Try-
ing to keep my seat while throwing or catching a ball
proved to be nearly impossible. Gleep was no help.
He preferred chasing the ball himself or standing
stock still while scratching himself with a hind leg to
following orders from me. I finally had to cheat a
little, resorting to magik to keep me upright on my
mount's back. A little levitation, a little flying, and
suddenly my riding skills improved a hundred fold. If
Aahz suspected I was using something other than my
sense of balance, he didn't say anything.

The problem of catching and throwing the ball was
solved by the addition of a staff to my argument.
Chumly uprooted a hefty sized sapling, and the
general used his ever-present belt axe to trim away
branches and roots. The result was an eleven foot
club with which I could either knock the ball along
the ground or swat it out of the air if someone had
thrown or kicked it aloft. The staff was a bit heavier
than I would have liked, but the extra weight moved
the ball farther each time I hit it. Of course, I used a
little magik to steer the ball, too, so I didn't miss
often and it usually went where I wanted it to go.

Gleep, on the other hand, went where he wanted to
go. While my club occasionally helped both to set
him in motion and to institute minor changes in his
direction once he was moving, total control had still
eluded me when the day finally arrived for our depar-
ture.

156

Robert Asprin

The five of us (six including Gleep) gathered in the
center of our practice meadow and said our goodbyes

to Julie.

"I'm sorry I can't come with you, boys," he
declared mournfully, "but I'm not as young as I used
to be, you know?"

"Don't worry," Aahz waved, "we'll be back
soon. You can come to our victory celebration."

"There you go again," Julie scowled, "I'm warn-
ing you, don't celebrate until after the battle. After
five hundred years..."

"Right, Julie," Aahz interrupted hastily. "You've
told us before. We'd better get going now or we'll
miss the game. Wouldn't want to lose by default."

With that, he checked to see we were all in position
and triggered the D-Hopper.

A moment later, we were back in Jahk.

Chapter Twenty-Two;

"No matter what the game, no matter
what the rules, the same rules apply
to both sides!"

—HOYLE'SLAW

THE stadium had undergone two major changes since
the last time Aahz and I were here.

First, the configuration of the field had been
changed. Instead of a rectangle, the chalk lines now
outlined a triangle with netted goals at each corner. I
assumed that was to accommodate a three-way in-
stead of a two-way match.

The second change was people. Remember how I
said I didn't even want to imagine what the sta-
ium would be like full of people? Well, the reality
dwarfed anything my imagination could have con-
jured up. Where I had envisioned neat rows of people
to match the military precision of the seats, the
stands were currently a chaotic mass of color and
motion. I don't know why they bothered providing
seats. As far as I could tell, nobody was sitting down.

A stunned hush had fallen over the crowd when we
appeared. This was understandable. Beings don't ap-
pear out of thin air very often, as we had assembled.

At Aahz's instruction, I had withheld any disguises

157

158

Robert Asprin

MYTH DIRECTIONS 159

from our team in order to get maximum psychologi-
cal impact from our normal appearance. We got it.

The crowd gaped at us, while we gaped at the
crowd. Then they recovered their composure and a
roar trumpeted forth from a thousand throats simul-
taneously. The bedlam was deafening.

"They don't seem very intimidated," I observed
dryly.

I didn't expect to be heard over the din, but I had
forgotten Aahz's sharp ears.

"Ave Caesar. Salutes e moratorium. Eh, kid?" he
grinned.

I didn't have the foggiest what he was talking
about, but I grinned back at him. I was tired of star-
ing blankly every time he made a joke.

"Hey, boss. We've got company," Gus called,
jerking his head toward one side of the stadium.

"Two companies, actually," Chumly supplied,
staring in the opposite direction.

Swiveling my head around, I discovered they were
both right. Massha was bearing down on us from one
side, while old Greybeard was waddling forward
from the other. It seemed both Veygus and Ta-hoe
wanted words with us.

"Hell-o boys," Massha drawled, arriving first.
"Just wanted to wish you luck with your . . . ven-
ture."

This might have sounded strange coming from a
supporter of the opposition. It did to me. Then I
remembered that Massha thought we were out to
neutralize Quigley's "demon." Well, in a way we
were.

Aahz, as usual, was way ahead of me.

"Don't worry, Massha," he grinned. "We've got
everything well in hand."

It never ceases to amaze me the ease with which my
mentor can lie.

"Just be sure you stay out of it," he continued

smoothly. "It's a rather delicate plan, and any
miscellaneous moving parts could foul things up."

"Don't worry your green little head about that,"
she winked. "I know when I'm outclassed. I was just
kinda hoping you'd introduce me to the rest of your
team."

I suddenly realized that throughout our conversa-
tion, she hadn't taken her eyes off our teammates.
Specifically, she was staring sideways at Hugh
Badaxe. This didn't change as Aahz made the proper
introductions.

"Massha, this is Gus."

"Charmed, madam," the gargoyle responded.

"And Chum—er—Crunch."

"When fight? Crunch tikes fighting," Chumly de-
clared, dropping into his troll act.

Massha didn't bat an eye. She was busy running
both of them up and down the general's frame.

"And this is Hugh Badaxe."

With a serpentine glide, Massha was standing close
to the general.

"So pleased to meet cha, Hugh ... you don't mind
if I call you Hugh, do you?" she purred.

"Harmmph ... I... that is," Badaxe stammered,
visibly uncomfortable.

I could sympathize with him. Having Massha
focus her attention on one was disquieting to say the
least. Fortunately, help arrived just then in the form
of the Ta-hoe delegate.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen," he chortled, rub-
bing his hands together gleefully. "Hello, Massha."

"Actually," she returned icily, "I was just leav-
ing."

She leaned forward and murmured something in
the general's ear before departing for her seat in the
stands. Whatever it was, Badaxe flushed bright red
and avoided our eyes.

"We were afraid you wouldn't arrive in time,"

160

MYTH DIRECTIONS        161

Robert Asprin

Greybeard continued, ignoring Massha's exit.
"Wouldn't want to disappoint the fans with a de-
fault, would we? When are you expecting the rest of
your team?"

"The rest of our team?" I frowned. "I thought the
rules only called for five players plus a riding
mount."

"That's right," Greybeard replied, "but ... oh,
well, I admire your confidence. So there're only the
five of you, eh? Well, well. That will change the odds
a bit."

"Why?" I demanded suspiciously.

"Are the edges on that thing sharp?" the spokes-
man asked, spying the general's axe.

"Razor," Badaxe replied haughtily.

"But he won't use it on anyone," I added hastily,
suddenly remembering the "no edged weapons"
rule. I wasn't sure what the general's reaction would
be if anyone tried to take his beloved axe away from
him.

"Oh, I have no worries on that score," Greybeard
responded easily. "As with all games, the crossbow-
men will be quick to eliminate any player who
chooses to ignore the rules."

He waved absently at the sidelines. We looked in
the indicated direction, and saw for the first time that
the field was surrounded by crossbowmen, alter-
nately dressed in the blue and yellow of Ta-hoe and
the red and white of Veygus. This was a little wrinkle
the Geek had neglected to mention. He had told us
about the rules, but not how they were enforced.

At the same time, I noticed two things which I had
previously missed while scanning the stands.

The first was Quigley, sitting front and center on
the Ta-hoe side. What was more important was that
he had Tananda with him. She was still asleep, float-
ing horizontally in the air in front of him. Apparently
he didn't want to miss the game, and didn't trust us

enough to leave her unguarded back at his workshop.

He saw me staring and waved. I didn't wave back.
Instead, I was about to call Aahz's attention to my
find when I noticed the second thing.

Griffin was at the edge of the field, jumping up
and down and frantically waving his arms to get my
attention. As soon as he saw I was watching him, he
began vigorously beckoning to me.

Aahz was engrossed in conversation with the Ta-
hoe spokesman, so I ambled off to see what Griffin
wanted.

"Hello, Griffin," I smiled. "How'veyou been?"

"I just wanted to tell you," he gasped, breathless
from his exertions, "I've changed sides. If there's
anything I can do to help you, just sing out."

"Really?" I drawled, raising an eyebrow. "And
why the sudden change of heart, not to mention
allegiances?"

"Call it my innate sense of fair play," he grim-
aced. "I don't like what they're planning to do to
you. Even if my old team is involved, I don't like it."

"What are they planning to do to us?" I de-
manded, suddenly attentive.

"That's what I wanted to warn you about," he ex-
plained. "The two teams had a meeting about this
game. They decided that however much they hated
each other, neither side wanted to see the Trophy go
to a bunch of outsiders."

"That's only natural," I nodded, "but what..."

"You don't understand!" the youth interrupted
hastily. "They're going to double-team you! They've
declared a truce with each other until they've
knocked you off the field. When the game starts
you'll be up against two teams working together
against your one!"

"Kid! Get back here!"

Aahz's bellow reminded me there was another con-
ference going on.

162 Robert Asprin

"I've got to go. Griffin," I declared. "Thanks for
the warning."

"Good luck!" he called. "You're going to need
it."

I trotted back onto the field, to find the assem-
blage waiting for me with expectant expressions.

"They want to see the Trophy," Aahz informed
me with a wink.

"As per our original agreement," the Ta-hoe
spokesman added stiffly. "It should be here to be
awarded to the victorious team."

"It is here," I announced firmly.

"I beg your pardon?" Greybeard blinked, looking
around.

"Show him, kid," my mentor grinned.

"All right," I nodded, "everybody stand back."

In many ways it was harder to produce the statue
using magik than it would have been to do it with
physical labor. I had to agree with Aahz, though,
that this way was far more dramatic.

Stretching my levitation capacities to their utmost,
I went to work. A large hunk of turf was lifted from
the center of the field and set aside. Then the exposed
dirt was shoved aside, and finally the Trophy rose
into view. I let it hover in midair while I rearranged
the dirt and replaced the turf, then let it settle majes-
tically to rest in all its magnificent, ugly splendor.

The crowd roared its approval, though whether for
my magik or the Trophy itself I wasn't sure.

"Pretty good," Aahz exclaimed, slapping me
gently on the back.

"Gleep," my pet exclaimed, adding his slimy
tongue to the offered congratulations.

"Very clever," Greybeard admitted. "We never
thought to look there. A little rough on the field,
though, isn't it?"

"It'll get torn up this afternoon anyway," my

MYTH DIRECTIONS         163

mentor shrugged. "Incidentally, when's game
time?"

As if in answer to his question, the stands exploded
in bedlam. I hadn't thought the stadium could get
any noisier, but this was like a solid wall of sound
pressing in on us from all sides.

The reason for the jubilation was immediately ob-
vious. Two columns of figures had emerged from a
tunnel at the far end of the stadium and were jogging
onto the field.

The blue and yellow tunics of one column con-
trasted with the scarlet and white tunics of the other,
but served nicely to identify them as our opponents.
This, however, was not their most noteworthy fea-
ture.

The Ta-hoe team was wearing helmets with long,
sharp spikes on the top, while their counterparts
from Veygus had long, curved horns emerging from
either side of their helmets giving them an animalistic
appearance. Even more noticeable, all the players
were big. Bigger than any Jahk I had encountered to
date. Easily as big as Chumly, but brawnier with
necks so short their heads seemed to emerge directly
from their shoulders.

As I said earlier, I count real good up to five, and
there were considerably more than five players on
each team.

MYTH DIRECTIONS        165

Chapter Twenty-Three:

"Life is full of little surprises."

—PANDORA

AS I was prone to do in times of crises, I turned to my
mentor for guidance. Aahz, in turn, reacted with the
calm levelheadedness I've grown to expect.

Seizing the Ta-hoe spokesman by the front of his
tunic, Aahz hoisted him up until his feet were dan-
gling free from the ground.
"What is this!!" he demanded.
Glaah ... sakle..." the fellow responded.
"Urn . . . Aahz?" I intervened. "He might be a
little more coherent if he could breathe."

"Oh! Right," my mentor acknowledged, lowering
the spokesman until he was standing once more. "All

right. Explain!"

"Ex . . . explain what?" Greybeard stammered,
genuinely puzzled. "Those are the teams from our
respective cities. You can tell them apart by their

helmets and..."

"Don't give me that!" Aahz thundered. "Those

164

aren't Jahks. Jahks are skinny or overweight!"

"Oh! I see." the spokesman said with dawning
realization. "I'm afraid you've been misled. Not all
Jahks are alike. Some are fans, and some are
players—athletes. The fans are ... a little out of
shape, but that's to be expected. They're the workers
who keep the cities and farms running. The players
are a different story. All they do is train and so on.
Over the generations, they've gotten noticeably
larger than the general population of fans."

"Noticeably larger?" Aahz scowled, glaring down
the field. "It's like they're another species!"

"I've seen it happen in other dimensions," Gus
observed, "but never to this extent."

"Well, Big Julie warned us about over-confi-
dence," Chumly sighed.

"What was that?" Greybeard blinked.

"Want fight," Chumly declared, dropping back
into character. "Crunch likes fight."

"Oh," the spokesman frowned. "Very well. If
there's nothing else, I'll just..."

"Not so fast," I interrupted. "I want to know why
there are so many players. The game is played by
five-man teams, isn't it?"

"That's right." Greybeard nodded. "The extra
players are replacements . . . you know, for the ones
who are injured or killed during the game."

"Killed?" I swallowed.

"As I said," the spokesman called, starting off,
"I admire your confidence in only bringing five
players."

"Killed?" I repeated, turning desperately to Aahz.

"Don't panic, kid," my mentor growled, scanning
the opposition. "It's a minor setback, but we can
adapt our strategies."

"How about the old 'divide and conquer' gam-
bit?" Badaxe suggested, joining Aahz.

"That's right," Gus nodded. "They're not used to

Robert Asprin

166

playing a three-way game. Maybe we can play them

off against each other."

"It won't work," I declared flatly.

"Don't be so negative, kid," Aahz snapped.
"Sometimes old tricks are the best."

"It won't work because they won't be playing

against each other... just us."

I quickly filled them in on what Griffin had told
me earlier. When I finished, the team was uncom-
fortably silent.

"Well," Aahz said at last, "things could be

worse."

"How?" I asked bluntly.

"Gleep?"
My dragon had just spotted something the rest of

us had missed. The other teams were bringing their
riding beasts onto the field. Unlike the players, the
beasts weren't marked with the team colors . . . but
then, it wasn't necessary. There was no way they
could be confused with each other.

The Veygus beast was a cat-like creature with an
evilly flattened head—nearly as long as Gleep, it
slunk along the ground with a fluid grace which was
ruined only by the uneven gait of its oversized
hindlegs. Though its movements were currently slow
and lazy, it had the look of something that could
move with blinding speed when it wanted to. It also
looked very, very agile. I was sure the thing could

corner like ... well, like a cat.
The Ta-hoe mount was equally distinctive, but

much more difficult to describe. It looked like a
small, armored mound with its crest about eight feet
off the ground. I would have thought it was an over-
sized insect, but it had more than six legs. As a matter
of fact, it had hundreds of legs which we could see
when it moved, which it seemed to do with equal ease
in any direction. When it stopped, its armor settled to
the ground, both hiding and guarding its tiny legs. I

MYTH DIRECTIONS         167

couldn't figure out where its eyes were, but I noticed
it never ran into anything... at least accidentally.

"Gleep?"

My pet had pivoted his head around to peer at me.
If he was hoping for an explanation or instructions,
he was out of luck. I didn't have the vaguest idea
of how to deal with the weird creatures. Instead, I
stroked his mustache in what I hoped was a reassur-
ing fashion. Though I didn't want to admit it to my
teammates, I was becoming less and less confident
about this game . . . and I hadn't been all that confi-
dent to begin with.

"Don't look now," Gus murmured, "but I've
spotted Tanda."

"Where?" Chumly demanded, craning his neck to
see where the gargoyle was pointing.

Of course, I had seen Tananda earlier and had
forgotten to point her out to the others. I felt a little
foolish, but then, that was nothing new. To cover my
embarrassment, I joined the others in staring towards
Tananda's floating form.

Quigley noticed us looking his way and began to
fidget nervously. Apparently he was not confident
enough in his newfound powers to feel truly com-
fortable under our mass scrutiny. His discomfort af-
fected his magik ... at least his levitation. Tananda's
body dipped and swayed until I was afraid he was
going to drop her on her head.

"If that magician's all that's in our way," Gus
observed, "it occurs to me we would just sashay over
there and take her back."

"Can't," Aahz snapped, shaking his head. "The
kid here promised we wouldn't do anything to make
that magician look bad."

"That's fine for you two," the gargoyle coun-
tered, "but Chumly and I didn't promise a thing."

"I say, Gus," Chumly interrupted, "we can't go
against Skeeve's promise. It wouldn't be cricket."

Robert Asprin

168                                                            MYTH DIRECTIONS

169

"I suppose you're right," Gus grumbled. "I just
thought it would be easier than getting our brains
beaten out playing this silly game."

I agreed with him there. In fact, I was glad to find
something I could agree with. Chumly's argument
about crickets didn't make any sense at all.

"It occurs to me. Lord Magician," Badaxe rum-
bled, "that the promise you made wasn't the wisest
of pledges."

"Izzat so?" Aahz snarled, turning on him. "Of
course, general, you speak from long experience in
dealing with demons."

"Well... actually..."

"Then I'd suggest you keep your lip buttoned
about Lord Skeeve's wisdom and abilities. Remem-
ber, he's your ticket back out of here. Without him,
it's a long walk home."

Chastised, the general retreated, physically and
verbally.

"Gee, thanks, Aahz."

"Shut up, kid," my mentor snarled. "He's right.
It was a dumb move."

"But you said..."

"Call it reflex," Aahz waved. "A body's got to
earn the right to criticize my apprentice ... and that
specimen of Klahdish military expertise doesn't

qualify."

"Well... thanks, anyway," I finished lamely.

"Don't mention it."

"Hey, Aahz," Chumly called. "Let's get this . . .
Trophy out of the center of the field and put it
somewhere safe."

"Like where?" my mentor retorted. "We're the
only ones in the stadium I trust."

"How about in our goal?" Gus suggested, point-
ing to the wide net at our corner of the triangle.

"Sounds good," Aahz agreed. "I'll be back in a
second, kid."

I had gotten so used to the bedlam in the stadium
that I barely noticed it. As my teammates started to
move the Trophy, however, the chorus of boos and
catcalls that erupted threatened to deafen me. My
colleagues responded with proper aplomb, shaking
fists and making faces at their decriers. The crowd
loved it. If they loved it any more, they'd charge
down onto the field and lynch the-lot of us.

I was about to suggest to my comrades that they
quit baiting the crowd, when General Badaxe
beckoned me over for a conference.

"Lord Magician," he began carefully, "I hope
you realize I meant no offense with my earlier com-
ments. I find that I'm a trifle on edge. I've never
fought a war in front of an audience before."

"Forget it, Hugh," I waved. "You were right. In
hindsight it was a bad promise. Incidentally . . . it's
Skeeve. If we're in this mess together, it's a little silly
to stand on formality."

"Thank you . . . Skeeve," the general nodded.
"Actually I was hoping I could speak with you
privately on a personal matter."

"Sure," I shrugged. "What is it?"

"Could you tell me a little more about that
marvelous creature I was just introduced to earlier?"

"Marvelous creature?" I blinked. "What mar-
velous creature?"

"You know . . . Massha."

"Massha?" I laughed. Then I noticed the general's
features were hardening. "I mean, oh, that marvel-
ous creature. What do you want to know?"

"Is she married?"

"Massha? I mean ... no, I don't think so."
The general heaved a sigh of relief. "Is there a
chance she'll ever visit us in Possiltum?"

"I doubt it," I replied. "But if you'd like I could
ask her."

"Fine," the general beamed, bringing a hand

Robert Asprin

170

down on my shoulder in a bone-jarring display of
friendship. "I'll consider that a promise."
"A what?" I blinked. Somehow the words had a

familiar ring to them.

"I know how you honor your promises," Badaxe
continued. "Fulfill this pledge, and you'll find I can
be a friend to prize . .. just as I can be an enemy to be
feared if crossed. Do we understand each other?"

"But I..."

"Hey, kid," Aahz shouted. "Hurry up and get on
that stupid dragon! The game's about to start!"

I had been so engrossed in my conversation with
Badaxe I had completely lost track of the other ac-
tivities on the field.

The teams from Ta-hoe and Veygus had retired to
the sidelines, leaving five players apiece on the field.
The cat and the bug each had riders now, and were
pacing and scuttling back and forth in nervous an-
ticipation.

At midfield, where the Trophy had been, a Jahk
stood wearing a black and white striped tunic and
holding a ball. I use the word ball rather loosely here.
The object he was holding was a cube of what ap-
peared to be a black, spongy substance. A square
ball! One more little detail the Geek had neglected to

mention.

Without bothering to take my leave from the
general, I turned and sprinted for Gleep. Whatever
was about to happen, I sure didn't want to face it
afoot.

Chapter Twenty-Four:

"This contest has to be the dumbest
thing Fve ever seen."

—H. COSELL

I WAS barely astride Gleep when the Jahk at midfield
set the ball down and started backing toward the
sidelines.

"Hey, Aahz!" I called. "What's with the guy in
the striped tunic?"

"Leave him alone," my mentor shouted back.
"He's a neutral."

Actually, I hadn't planned on attacking him, but it
was nice to know he wasn't part of the opposition.

I was the last of the team to get into place. Aahz
and Chumly were bracketing me as the Fangs, Gus
was behind me, waiting to take advantage of his extra
mobility as Guard; and Badaxe was braced in the
mouth of the goal as Castle. We seemed about as
ready as we would ever be.

"Hey, kid! "Aahz called. "Where's your club?"

I was so engrossed in my own thoughts it took a
minute for his words to sink in. Then I panicked. For

171

172 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 173

a flash moment I thought I had left my staff back in
Klah. Then I spotted it lying in the grass at our entry
point. A flick of my mind brought it winging to
hand.

"Got it, Aahz!" I waved.

"Well, hang onto it, and remember..."

A shrill whistle blast interrupted our not-so-private
conference and pulled our attention down-field. The
cat and the bug were heading for the ball at their
respective top speeds, with the rest of their team-
mates charging along in their wakes.

The game was on, and all we were doing was stand-
ing around with our mouths open.

As usual, Aahz was the first to recover.

"Don't just stand there with your mouth open!"
he shouted. "Go get the ball."

"But I..."

"GLEEP!"

What I had intended to point out to Aahz was that
the cat was almost at the ball already. Realizing there
was no way I could get there first, I felt we should
drop back and tighten our defense. My pet, however,
had other ideas.

Whether he was responding to Aahz's command to
"get the ball" (which was unlikely), or simply eager
to meet some new playmates (which was highly prob-
able), the result was the same. He bounded forward,
cutting me off in mid-sentence and setting us on a
collision course with the cat.

The crowd loved it.

Me, I was far less enthusiastic. The cat's rider had
the ball now, but he and his mount were holding
position at midfield instead of immediately advanc-
ing on our goal. Presumably this was to allow his
teammates to catch up, so he could have some cover.
This meant he wouldn't have to venture among us
alone.

That struck me as being a very intelligent strategy.

I only wished I could follow it myself. Gleep's en-
thusiasm was placing me in the position I had hoped
to avoid at all costs—facing the united strength of
both of the opposing teams without a single team-
mate to support me. For the first time since our op-
ponents had taken the field, I stopped worrying
about surviving until the end of the game. Now I was
worried about surviving until the end of the first
play!

My hopes improved for a moment when I realized
we would reach the cat and its rider well ahead of
their teammates. The feeling of hope faded rapidly,
however, as my rival uncoiled his weapon.

Where I was carrying a staff, he had a whip ... a
long whip. The thing was twenty feet long if it was an
inch. No, I'm not exaggerating. I could see its length
quite clearly as the rider let it snake out toward my
head.

The lash fell short by a good foot, though it
seemed much closer at the time. Its sharp crack did
produce one result, however. Gleep stopped in his
tracks, throwing me forward on his neck as I fought
to keep my balance. An instant behind the whip at-
tack, the cat bounded forward, its teeth bared and
ears flat against its skull, and one of its forepaws
darted out to swat my dragon on the nose.

Though never noted for his agility, Gleep re-
sponded by trying to jump backwards and swap ends
at the same time. I'm not sure how successful he was,
because somewhere in the middle of the maneuver,
he and I parted company.

Normally such a move would not have unsettled
me. When Gleep had thrown me in practice, I had
simply flown clear, delicately settled to the ground at
a distance. This time, however, I was already off bal-
ance and the throw disoriented me completely.
Realizing I was airborne, I attempted to fly ... and
succeeded in slamming into the turf with the grace of

174

MYTH DIRECTIONS         175

Robert Asprin

a bag of garbage. This did nothing toward improving

my orientation.
Lying there, I wondered calmly which parts of me

would fall off if I moved. There was a distant roaring
in my ears, and the ground seemed to be trembling
beneath me. From far away, I could hear Aahz
shouting something. Yes, just lying here seemed like

an excellent idea.

"Up, kid!" came my mentor's voice. "Run!"
Run? He had to be kidding. My head was clearing
slowly, but the ground was still shaking. Rolling
over, I propped one eye open to get my bearings, and

immediately wished I hadn't.

It wasn't in my head! The ground really was shak-
ing! The bug was bearing down on me full tilt, dis-
playing every intention of trampling me beneath its
multiple tiny feet. It didn't even occur to me that this
would be a ridiculous way to go. All that registered
was that it was a way to go, and somehow that

thought didn't appeal to me.

I sprang to my feet and promptly fell down again.
Apparently I hadn't recovered from my fall as much
as I thought I had. I tried again and got as far as my
hands and knees. From there I had a terrific view of
my doom thundering down on me, and there was

nothing I could do about it!

Then Aahz was there. He must have jumped over
me in mid-stride to get into position, but he was
there, half-way between the charging bug and me.
Feet spread and braced, knees bent to a crouch, he
faced the charge unflinching. Unflinching? He threw
his arms wide and bared his teeth in challenge.
"You want to fight?" he roared. "Try me."
The bug may not have understood his words, but it
knew enough about body language to realize it was in
trouble. Few beasts or beings in any dimension have
the courage or stupidity to try to face down a Pervect

when it has a full mad on, and Aahz was mad. His
scales were puffed out until he appeared twice his
normal breadth, and they rippled dangerously from
the tensed muscles underneath. Even his color was a
darker shade of green than normal, pulsing angrily as
my mentor vented his emotions.

Whatever intelligence level the bug might possess,
it was no fool. It somehow managed to slow from a
full charge to a dead stop before coming within
Aahz's reach. Even the frantic goadings from its
rider's hooked prod couldn't get it to resume its
charge. Instead, it began to cautiously edge sideways,
trying to bypass Aahzcompletely.

"You want to fight?" my mentor bellowed, ad-
vancing toward the beast. "C'mon! I'm ready."

That did it! The bug put it into reverse, scuttling
desperately backward despite the frantic urgings of
its rider and the hoots from the crowd.

"I say, you lads seem to have things in hand here."

A powerful hand fastened on my shoulder and
lifted. In fact, it lifted me until my feet were dangling
free from the ground.

"Um ... I can walk now, Chumly," I suggested.

"Oh, terribly sorry," the troll apologized, setting
me gently on the ground. "Just a wee bit distracted is
all."

"Gleep!"

A familiar head snaked into view from around
Chumly's hip to peer at me quizzically.

"You were a big help!" I snarled, glad for the
chance to vent my pent-up nervous energy.

"Gleep," my pet responded, hanging his head.

"Here, now," the troll chided. "Don't take it out
on your mate, here. He got surprised, that's all.
Can't blame him for getting a little spooked under
fire. What?"

"But if he hadn't..." I began.

176           Robert Asprin                                      MYTH DIRECTIONS

177

"Now are you ready to get rid of that stupid
dragon?" Aahz demanded, joining our group.

"Don't take it out on Gleep," I flared back. "He
just got a little spooked under fire is all."

"How's that again?" my mentor blinked.

"Gleep!" proclaimed my pet, unleashing his
tongue in one of his aromatic, slimy licks. This time,    
to my relief Aahz was the recipient.

"Glaah!" my mentor exclaimed, scrubbing at his
face with the back of his hand. "I may be violently
sick!"

"The beast's just showing his appreciation for
your saving his master," Chumly laughed.

"That's right," I agreed. "If you hadn't..."

"Forget it," Aahz waved. "No refugee from a
wine-making festival's going to do his dance on my
apprentice while I'm around."

For once, I knew what he was talking about.
" 'Refugee from a wine-making festival'—that's
pretty good, Aahz," I grinned.

"No, it wasn't," my mentor snarled. "In fact, so
far this afternoon, nothing's been good. Why are we
standing around talking?"

"Because the first play's over," Chumly supplied.
"Also, I might add, the first score."

We all looked down field toward our goal. The
field was littered with bodies, fortunately theirs, not
ours. Whatever had happened, we had given a good
accounting of ourselves. Stretcher bearers and
trainers were tending to the fallen and wounded with
well practiced efficiency. The players still on their
feet, both on the field and on the sidelines, were dan-
cing around hugging each other and holding their
index fingers aloft in what I supposed was some sort
of religious gesture to the gods. Badaxe was sagging
weakly against one of our four goalposts while Gus
fanned him with his wings.

"The score," the troll continued casually, "is

nothing to nothing to one ... against us. Not the best
of starts, what?"

For one instant I thought we had scored. Then I
remembered that in this game, points are scored
against a team. Therefore "nothing to nothing to
one" meant we were behind by a point.

"Don't worry," Aahz snarled. "We'll get the
point back, with interest! If they want to play rough,
so can we. Right?"

"Quite right," Chumly grinned.

"Ummm ..." I supplied hesitantly.

"So let's fire up!" my mentor continued.
"Chumly, get Gus and Badaxe up here for a strategy
session. Kid, get back on that dragon—and this time
try to stay up there, huh?"

I started to obey, then turned back to him.
"Ummm .. . Aahz?"
"Yeah, kid?"

"I didn't say it too well a minute ago, but thanks
for saving me."
"I said forget it."

"No, I won't," I insisted defiantly. "You could
have been killed bailing me out, and I just wanted
you to know that I'll pay you back someday. I may
not be very brave where I'm concerned, but I owe
you my life on top of everything else and it's yours
anytime you need it."

"Wait a minute, kid," my mentor corrected.
"Any risks I take are mine, understand? That in-
cludes the ones I take pulling your tail out of the fire
once in a while. Don't mess up my style by making
me responsible for two lives."

"But, Aahz..."

"If I'm in trouble and you're clear, you skedaddle.
Got it? Especially in this game. In fact, here..."

He fumbled in his belt pouch and produced a
familiar object.

"Here's the D-Hopper. It's set to get you home.

178 Robert Asprin

You keep it and use it if you have to. If you see a
chance to grab Tanda and get out of here, take it!
Don't worry about me."

"But..."

"That's an order, apprentice. If you want to argue
it, wait until we're back in Klah. In the meantime,
just do it! Either you agree or I'll send you home
right now."

Our eyes locked for long moments, but I gave
ground first.

"All right, Aahz," I sighed. "But we're going to
have this out once we get home."

"Fine," he grinned, clapping me on the shoulder.
"For now though, get on that stupid dragon of yours
and try to keep him pointed in the right direction.
We've got some points to score!"

Chapter Twenty-Five:

"If you can't win fair, just winF

—U. S. GRANT

WE needed to score some points, and to do that, we
needed the ball.

That thought was foremost in my mind as we lined
up again. One way or another, we were going to get
that ball.

When the whistle sounded, I was ready for it.
Reaching out with my mind, I brought the ball wing-
ing to my grasp. Before our team could form up
around me, however, the whistle sounded again and
the Jahk in the striped tunic came trotting toward us
waving his arms.

"Now what?" Aahz growled. Then aloud, he
called, "What's wrong, Ref?"

"There's been a protest," the referee informed
him. "Your opponents say you're using magik."

"So what?" my mentor countered. "There's no
rule against it."

"Well, not officially," the ref admitted, "but it's

179

MYTH DIRECTIONS         181

Robert Asprin

180

been a gentleman's agreement for some time."

"We're not gentlemen," Aahz grinned. "So get
out of our way and let us play.''

"But if you can use magik, so can your oppon-
ents," the striped tunic insisted.

"Let 'em," Aahz snarled. "Start the game."

A flash of inspiration came to me. "Wait a
minute, Aahz," I called. "Sir, we're willing to allow
the use of magik against us if, and only if, the magi-
cians do it from the field."

"What?" the ref blinked.

"You heard him," Aahz crowed. "If your magi-
cians join the team and take their lumps like our
magician does, then they're free to use whatever
skills and abilities they bring onto the field with
them. Otherwise they can sit in the bleachers with the
spectators and keep their magik out of it."

"That seems fair," the Jahk nodded thoughtfully.
"I'll so inform the other teams."

"I say," Chumly commented as the referee trotted
off. "That was a spot of clear thinking."
"Tactically superb," Badaxe nodded.
"That's the kind of generalship that beat Big
Julie's army," Gus supplied proudly.

I waved modestly, but inside I was heady from the

praise.

"Let's save the congratulations until after the

game, shall we?" Aahz suggested icily.

It was an annoyingly accurate observation. There
was still a long battle between us and the end of the
game, and the other teams were already lining up to
pit their best against our clumsy efforts. In grim
silence, we settled down to go to work.

I won't attempt to chronicle the afternoon play by
play. Much of it I'm trying to forget, though some-
times I still bolt upright out of a sound sleep sweating
at the memory. The Jahks were tough and they knew
their business. The only thing holding them at bay

was the sheer strength and ferocity of my teammates
and some inspired magik by yours truly.

However, a few incidents occurred prior to the
game's climax which would be criminal neglect to
omit from my account.

Gleep came of age that afternoon. I don't know
what normally matures dragons, but for my pet
adulthood arrived with the first play of the after-
noon. Gone was the playfulness which led to my
early unseating. Somewhere in that puzzling brain of
his, Gleep thought things over and arrived at the con-
clusion that we had some serious business on our
hands.

I, of course, didn't know this. When the ball ended
up in my hands, I was counting on my other team-
mates for protection. Unfortunately, our opponents
had anticipated this and planned accordingly. Three
players each swarmed over Aahz and Chumly, soak-
ing up incredible punishment to keep them from
coming to my support. The two Riders converged on
me.

I saw them coming and panicked. I mean, the cat
was faster than us and the bug seemed invulnerable.
Frantically, I looked around for some avenue of
escape. I needn't have worried.

Instead of bolting, Gleep stood his ground, his
head lowered menacingly. As the cat readied itself
for a pounce, my pet loosed a jet of fire full in its
face, singeing its whiskers and setting it back on its
haunches.

I was so astonished I forgot to watch the bug mov-
ing up on our flank. Gleep didn't. His tail lashed out
to intercept the armored menace. There was a sound
like a great church bell gonging, and the bug halted
its forward progress and began wandering aimlessly
in circles.

"Atta boy, Gleep!" I cheered, balancing the ball
on his back for a moment so I could thump his side.

182 Robert Asprin

That was a mistake. No sooner had I released the
hold on the ball when one of the Jahks leaped high to
pluck it from its resting spot. I took a wipe at him
with my staff but he dodged to one side and I missed.
Unfortunately for him, the dodge brought him
within Chumly's reach.

The troll snaked out one of his long arms over the
shoulder of a blocker, picked up the ball carrier by
his head, and slammed him violently to the ground.

"Big Crunch catch," he called, winking at me.

The ball carrier lay still, and the stretcher team
trotted onto the field again. The lineup of players on
the sideline had decreased noticeably since the game
started. In case you haven't noticed< things were
pretty rough on the field.

"Tell me I didn't see that," Aahz demanded, stag-
gering to my side.

"Um . . . Chumly's tackle or Gleep stopping the
two Riders?" I asked innocently.

"I'm talking about your giving the ball away," my
mentor corrected harshly. "Now that the dragon's
coming through for us, you start..."

"Do you really think he's doing a good job?" I in-
terrupted eagerly. "I always said Gleep had a lot of
potential."

"Don't change the subject," Aahz growled.
"You..."

"C'mon, you two," Gus called. "There's a game
on."

"Got to go," I waved, guiding my pet away from
my sputtering mentor. "We'll talk after the game."

Our defense finally solidified, and we meted out
terrible punishment to any Jahk foolish enough to
head for our goal with the ball in his arms. We even
managed to score some points, though it took a little
help from my magik to do it.

The first point we scored was against the Veygans.
It was a variation of Aahz's original "divide and con-

MYTH DIRECTIONS

183

quer" plan. The Veygans had the ball and were
bringing it down-field when we plowed into them at
midfield. As per my instructions, I waited until the
brawl was getting heated, then used a disguise spell
on Gus, altering his appearance so he looked like one
of the Ta-hoe players, complete with a spiked helmet.
Having been forewarned, the change didn't startle
him at all. Instead, he started dancing around, wav-
ing his arms wildly.

"Here!" he shouted. "I'm open! Over here!"

The ball carrier was zig-zagging desperately with
Aahz in hot pursuit. He saw an ally in a position to
score and lobbed the ball to him without breaking
stride. Gus gathered the ball in and started for the
Veygus goal.

"Double-cross!"

The first shout was from Chumly, but the Veygus
players quickly picked it up. Spurred by indignation,
they turned on the Ta-hoe players who a moment ago
had been their allies. The Ta-hoers were understand-
ably surprised, but reacted quickly, defending
themselves while at the same time laying down a
blocking pattern for Gus.

The Veygan Castle had been up-field when the play
broke, but the goal-tender braced himself as Gus
swept down on him. The only pursuit close enough to
count was Chumly, who appeared intent on hauling
down the ball carrier from behind. At the crucial mo-
ment, however, he charged past the gargoyle and
piled into the goal-tender. Gus scored untouched.
"That's zero to one to one now!" I crowed.
"Before you get too caught up in celebrating,"
Aahz advised, "you'd better do something about
that'."

I followed his finger and realized that fights were
breaking out throughout the stands. It seemed the
fans didn't like the double-cross any more than the
players had.

Robert Asprin

184

To avert major bloodshed, I removed Gus's dis-
guise as he came back up the field. Within seconds,
the fans and the opposing teams realized they had
been had. Hostilities between the rival factions
ceased immediately. Instead, they focused their emo-
tions on us. Terrific.

The uniform change bit had been effective, but

with the new attentiveness in the opposition, I was
pretty sure it wouldn't work twice.

I'm particularly proud of our second goal, in that
it was my idea from start to finish. I thought it up
and executed it without the help or consultation of
my teammates. Of course, that in itself caused some
problems ... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The idea occurred to me shortly after my staff
broke. I was swinging at the ball when one of the Ta-
hoe players somehow got his head in the way. He was
sidelined, but I was left with two pieces of what used
to be a pretty good club. As we waited for play to
resume, I found myself marveling anew at the sheer
size of our opponents and wishing we had bigger
players on our side. It occurred to me, too late of
course, that I could have used disguise spells to make
our team seem bigger when we first appeared. Now
our rivals already knew how big, or to be specific,
how small we were, so that trick wouldn't work.

I was starting to berate myself for this oversight,
when the idea struck. If a disguise spell could make
us look bigger, it could also make us look smaller. It
was almost a good idea, but not quite. If one or all of
us "disappeared" our opponents would notice im-
mediately. What we needed was a decoy.

I found myself considering the two pieces of
broken staff I was holding. There was a stunt I pulled
once when we were fighting Big Julie. Then it had
been a desperation gambit. Of course, we weren't
exactly cruising along now.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         185

"Get the ball to me!" I called to my teammates.
"I've got an idea."

"What kind of an idea?" Aahz asked.

"Just get me the ball," I snapped back.

I didn't mean to be short with him, but if this plan
was going to work, I needed all my concentration,
and Aahz's banter wasn't helping.

Closing my eyes, I-began to draw and focus power.
At the same time, I began forming the required
images in my mind.

"Head's up, kid!" Aahz shouted with sudden
urgency.

My eyes popped open . . . and the ball was there. I
wasn't quite as ready as I would have liked to have
been but the time was now and I had to go for it.

I'll detail what happened next so you can ap-
preciate the enormity of my accomplishment. In live
time, it took no longer than an eyeblink to perform.

Dropping the two halves of the staff, I caught the
ball with my hands. Then, I cast two spells simultane-
ously. (Four, actually, but I don't like to brag.)

For the first, I shrank the images of Gleep and
myself until we were scant inches high. Second, I
changed the appearance of the two staff halves until
what was seen was full sized reproductions of me
astride my pet.

Once that was accomplished, I used my remaining
energy to fly us toward the Ta-hoe goal. That's right,
I said "fly." Even in our diminutive form, I wanted
us well above the eye-level of our opponents.

Flying both Gleep and myself took a lot of effort.
So much, in fact, that I was unable to animate the
images we left behind. I had realized this before I
started, but figured that suddenly stationary targets
would only serve as a diversion for our real attack.

It seemed to work. We were unopposed until we
reached the Ta-hoe goal. Then my mischievous sense

186

Robert Asprin

of humor got the better of me. Landing a scant arm's
length from the goalie, I let our disguises drop.

"Boo!" I shouted.

To the startled player, it appeared that we sud-
denly popped out of thin air. A lifetime of training
fell away from him in a second, and he fainted dead
away.

With a properly dramatic flourish, I tossed the ball
into the goal.

One to one to one! A tie game!

The team was strangely quiet when Gleep and I
triumphantly returned to our end of the field.

"Why the long faces?" I laughed. "We've got 'em
on the run now!"

"You should have told us you had a gambit
going," Gus said carefully.

"There wasn't time," I explained. "Besides,
there's no harm done."

"That's not entirely accurate," Chumly corrected,
pointing up field.

There was a pile of Jahks where I had left the staff
pieces. The stretcher teams were busy untangling the
bodies and carting them away.

"He was trying to protect you ... or what he
thought was you," Badaxe observed acidly.

"What..."

Then I saw what they were talking about. At the
bottom of the pile was Aahz. He wasn't moving.

Chapter Twenty-Six:

"Winning isn't the most important
thing; it's the only thingF

—J. CAESAR

"HE'LL be all right," Gus declared, looking up from
examining our fallen teammate. "He's just out
cold."

We were gathered around Aahz's still form, anx-
iously awaiting the gargoyle's diagnosis. Needless to
say, I was relieved my mentor was not seriously in-
jured. General Badaxe, however, was not so easily
satisfied.

"Well, wake him up!" he demanded. "And be
quick about it."

"Back off, general," I snarled, irritated by his in-
sensitivity. "Can't you see he's hurt?"

"You don't understand," Badaxe countered,
shaking his head. "We need five players to continue
the game. If Aahz doesn't snap out of it..."

"Wake up, Aahz!" I shouted, reaching out a hand
to shake his arm.

It was bad enough that my independent scoring
187

188 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 189

drive had resulted in Aahz getting roughed up. If it
cost us the game. ..

"Save it, Skeeve," Gus sighed. "Even if he woke
up, he wouldn't be able to play. That was a pretty
nasty pounding he took. I mean, I don't think there's
anything seriously wrong with him, but if he tried to
mix it up with anyone in his current condition ..."

"I get the picture," I interrupted. "And if we
wake him up, Aahz is just stubborn enough to want
to play."

"Right," the gargoyle nodded. "You'll just have
to think of something else."

I tried, I really did. The team kept fussing over
Aahz to stall for time, but nothing came to me in the
way of a plan. Finally the referee trotted over to our
huddle.

"How's your player?" he asked.

"Ah . . . just catching his breath," Badaxe smiled,
trying to keep his body between the official and
Aahz.

"Don't give me that," the stripe-tunicked Jahk
scowled. "I can see. He's out cold, isn't he?"

"Well. sort of," Gus admitted.

" 'Sort of nothing," the ref scowled. "If he can't
play and you don't have a replacement, you'll have
to forfeit the game."

"We're willing to play with a partial team," the
gargoyle suggested hastily.

"The rules state you must have five players on the
field. No more, no less," the official declared, shak-
ing his head.

"All right," Badaxe nodded. "Then we'll keep
him on the field with us. We'll put him off to one side
where he won't get hurt and then we'll play with a
four-man team."

"Sorry," the ref apologized, "but I can't let him
stay on the field in that condition. It's a rough game,

but we do have some ethics when it comes to the
safety of the players."

"Especially when you can use the rules to force us
out of the game, "Gus spat.

I thought the slur would draw an angry response
from the official, but instead the ref only shook his
head sadly.

"You don't understand," he insisted. "I don't
want to disqualify your team. You've been playing a
hard game and you deserve a chance to finish it. I
hate to see the game stopped with a forfeit . . .
especially when the score's tied. Still, the rules are the
rules, and if you can't field a full team, that's that. I
only wished you had brought some replacements."

"We've got a replacement!" I exploded suddenly.

"We do? "Gus blinked.

"Where?" frowned the ref.

"Right there!" I announced, pointing to the
stands.

Tananda was still floating in plain sight in front of
Quigley.

"The captive demon?" the official gasped.

"What do you think we are? Muppets?" Gus
snarled, recovering smoothly.

"Muppets? What ... I don't think ..." the ref
stammered.

"You don't have to," I smiled. "Just summon the
Ta-hoe magician and I'm sure we can work some-
thing out."

"But... Oh, very well."

The official trotted off toward the stands while the
rest of the team crowded around me.

"You're going to have a woman on the team?"
Badaxe demanded.

"Let me explain," I waved. "First of all, Tanda
isn't..."

"She's not actually a woman," Chumly supplied.

190 Robert Asprin

"She's my sister. And when it comes to the old rough
and tumble, she can beat me four out of five times."

"She isn't? I mean, she is?" Badaxe struggled. "I
mean,she can?"

"You bet your sweet axe she can," Gus grinned.

"Gleep," said the dragon, determined to get his
two cents worth in.

"If you're all quite through," I said testily. "I'd
like to finish. What I was about to say was that
Tanda isn't going to play."

There was a moment of stunned silence as the team
absorbed this.

"I don't get it," Gus said at last. "If she isn't
going to play, then what..."

"Once she's here and revived, we're going to grab
her and the Trophy and head back for Klah," I an-
nounced. "The ref's about to hand us the grand prize
on a silver platter."

"But what about the game?" Badaxe scowled.

I closed my eyes, realizing for a moment how Aahz
must feel when he has to deal with me.

"Let me explain this slowly," I said carefully.
"The reason we're in this game is to rescue Tanda
and grab the Trophy. In a few minutes we're going to
have them both, so there'll be no reason for us to
keep getting our heads beaten in. Understand?"

"I still don't like quitting the field before the end
of a battle," the general grumbled.

"For crying out loud!" I exploded. "This is a
game, not a war!"

"Are we talking about the same field?" Chumly
asked innocently.

Fortunately, I was spared having to formulate an
answer to that one as Quigley chose that moment to
arrive, Tananda floating in his wake.

"What's this the ref says about using Tanda in the
game?" he demanded.

MYTH DIRECTIONS         191

"That's right," I lied. "We need her to finish the
game. Now if you'll be so good as to wake her up,
we'll just... "

"But she's my hostage," the magician protested.

"C'mon, Quigley," I argued. "We aren't taking
her anyplace. She'll be right here on the field in full
sight of you and everybody else."

"And you can all skip off to another dimension
any time you want," Quigley pointed out. "No
deal."

That was uncomfortably close to the truth, but if
there's one thing I've learned from Aahz, it's how to
bluff with a straight face.

"Now, look, Quigley," I snarled. "I'm trying to
be fair about this, but it occurs to me you're taking
advantage of my promise."

"Of course," the magician nodded. "But tell you
what. Just to show you I'm a sport, I'll let you have
Tanda."

"Swell, "I grinned.

"If. . . and I repeat, (/you let me keep Aahz in ex-
change."

"What?" I exclaimed. "I mean, sure. Go ahead.
He's already out cold."

"Very well," he nodded. "This will just take a few
seconds."

"What does this do to our plans?" Gus asked,
drawing me aside.

"Nothing," I informed him through gritted teeth.
"We go as soon as it's clear."

"What?" the gargoyle gaped. "What about
Aahz?"

"It's his orders," I snarled. "Before the game
started he made me promise that if he got in trouble I
wouldn't endanger myself or the team trying to save
him."

"And you're going to skip out on him?" Gus

192

MYTH DIRECTIONS         193

Robert Asprin

sneered. "After all he's done for you?"

"Now don't you start on me, Gus!" I grimaced.
"I don't want to... "

"Hi, handsome," Tananda chirped, joining our
discussion. "If it isn't too much trouble, could some-
one fill me in as to why this august assemblage has
assembled, why we're standing in the middle of a
pasture, and what all these people are doing staring
at us? And where's Quigley going with Aahz?"

"There's no time," I declared. "We've got to get
going."

"Get going where?" she frowned.

"Back to Klah," Gus grumbled. "Skeeve here is in
the middle of abandoning Aahz."

"He's what?" Tananda gasped.

"Gus ..." I warned.

"Save it, handsome. I'm not budging until some-
one tells me what's going on, so you might as well
start now."

It took surprisingly little time to bring her up to
date once I got started. I deliberately omitted as
many details as possible to keep from getting Tan-
anda riled. I had enough problems on my hands with-
out fighting her, too! It seemed to work, as she
listened patiently without comment or frown.

"... and so that's why we've got to get out of here
before play resumes," I finished.

"Bull feathers," she said firmly.

"I'm glad you . .. how's that again?" I. sputtered.

"I said 'Bull feathers,' " she repeated. "You guys
have been knocked around, trampled, and otherwise
beaten on for my sake and now we're going to run?
Not me! I say we stay right here and teach these
bozos a lesson."

"But..."

"I don't know if your D-Hopper can move the
whole team," she continued, "but I'll bet it can't do
the job if we aren't cooperating."

"That's telling him," Gus chortled.

"... so retreat is out. Now, if you're afraid of get-
ting hurt, just stay out of our way. We aren't leaving
until we finish what you and Aahz started."

"Well said," Badaxe nodded.

"Count me in," the gargoyle supplied.

"You'll be the death of me yet, little sister,"
Chumly sighed.

I managed to get a grip on Gleep's nose before he
could add his vote to the proceedings.

"Actually," I said slowly, "Aahz had always
warned me about how dangerous it is to travel
dimensions alone. And if I'm going to stay here, it
occurs to me the safest place would be surrounded by
my teammates."

"All right, Skeeve!" Gus grinned, clapping me on
the back.

"Then it's decided," Tananda nodded. "Now,
then, handsome, what's the plan?"

Somehow, I had known she was going to say that.

"Give me a minute," I pleaded. "A second ago the
plan was to just split, remember? These plans don't
just grow on trees, you know."

I plunged into thought, considering and discarding
ideas as they came to me. That didn't take long. Not
that many ideas were occurring to me.

I found myself staring at Chumly. He was craning
his neck to look at the stands.

"What are you doing?" I asked, irritated by his
apparent lack of concern with our situation.

"Hmmm? Oh. Sorry, old boy," the troll apolo-
gized. "I was just curious as to how many Deveels
were in the crowd. There's a lot of them."

"There are?" I blinked, scanning the crowd. "I
don't see any."

"Oh, they're disguised, of course," Chumly
shrugged. "But you can see their auras if you check.
With the odds that were being given on this bloody

194 Robert Asprin

game, it was a sure thing they'd be here."

He was right. I'd been so preoccupied with the
game I had never bothered to check the stands. Now
that I looked, I could see the auras of other demons
scattered throughout the crowd.

"It's too bad we can't cancel their disguises," I
muttered to myself.

"Oh, we could do that easy enough," the troll
answered.

"We could?"

"Certainly. Deveels always use the cheapest,
easiest disguises available. I know a spell that would
restore their normal appearance quick enough."

"You do?" I pressed. "Could it cover the whole
stadium?"

"Well, not for a terribly long time," Chumly said,
"but it would hold for a minute or two. Why do you
ask?"

"I think I've got an idea," I explained. "Be back
in a minute."

"Where are you going?" the troll called after me
as I started for the sidelines.

"To talk to Griffin," I retorted, not caring that
the explanation didn't really explain anything.

Chapter Twenty-Seven:

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls—"

—M. ALI

THE ball carrier was "somewhere under Gleep when
the whistle blew. That wouldn't have been too bad,
if it weren't for the fact that Chumly had already
thrown the ball carrier to the ground and jumped on
him prior to my pet joining in the fracas. As I said
before, Gleep had really gotten into the spirit of
things.

"I say," came an agonized call from the troll, "do
you mind?"

"Sorry!" I apologized, backing the dragon onto
more solid footing.

"Say, Skeeve," Gus murmured, sliding up beside
me, "how much longer until we're set for the big
play?"

"Should be any minute now," I confided. "Why
do you ask?"

"He's afraid of additional casualties you and that
dragon will inflict on the team while we're stalling for

195

196 Robert Asprin

time," Badaxe chimed in sarcastically.

"Gleep," my pet commented, licking the general's
face.

"You might as well forget the hard guy act,
Hugh," the gargoyle observed. "The dragon's got
you pegged as a softie."

"Is that so?" Badaxe argued, gasping a bit on
Gleep's breath. "Well, allow me to point out that
with the master plan about to go into effect, we don't
have the ball!"

"Skeeve'll get it for us when we need it," Tananda
protested, rising to my defense. "He always comes
through when we need him. You've just never fol-
lowed him into battle before."

"I believe I can testify," Chumly growled, limping
back to join us, "that it's safer to be following him
than in front of him."

"Sorry about that, Chumly," I winced. "It's just
that Gleep..."

"I know, I know," the troll interrupted.
" 'Spooked under fire' . . . remember, / gave you
that excuse originally. He seems to have recovered
admirably."

"I hate to interrupt," Gus interrupted, "but isn't
that our signal?"

I followed his gaze to the sidelines. Griffin was
there waving his arms wildly. When he saw he had
my attention, he crossed the fingers on both hands,
then crossed his forearms over his head. That was the
signal.

"All right," I announced. "Fun time is over. The
messages have been delivered. Does everyone remem-
ber what they're supposed to do?"

As one, the team nodded, eager grins plastered on
their faces. I don't know what they were so cheerful
about. If any phase of this plan didn't work, some or
all of us would be goners.

"Tanda and Chumly make one team. Badaxe, you

MYTH DIRECTIONS         197

stick with Gus. He's your ticket home," I repeated
needlessly.

"We know what to do," the general nodded.

"Then let's do it!" I shouted, and wheeled Gleep
into position.

This time, as the ball came into play, we did not
swarm toward the ball carrier. Instead, our entire
team back-pedaled to cluster in the mouth of our
goal.

Our opponents hesitated, looking at each other.
We had emptied over three quarters of their reserve
teaching them to respect our strength, and now that
lesson was bearing fruit. No one seemed to want to
be the one to carry the ball into our formation. They
weren't sure what we were up to but they didn't want
any part of it.

Finally, the ball carrier, a Ta-hoe player, turned
and threw the ball to his Rider, apparently figuring
the bug had the best chance of breaking through to
the goal. That's what I had been waiting for.

Reaching out with my mind, I brought the ball
winging, not to me, but to Hugh Badaxe. In a
smooth, fluid motion, the axe came off the general's
belt and struck at the missile. I had never seen Hugh
use his axe before, and I'll admit I was impressed.
Weapon and ball met, and the weapon won. The ball
fell to the ground in two halves as the axe returned to
its resting place on the general's belt.

The crowd was on its feet, screaming incoherently.
If they didn't like that, they didn't really get upset
over our next move.

"Everybody, mount up!" I shouted.

On cue, Tananda jumped on Chumly's back and
Badaxe did the same with Gus. I levitated half the
ball to each twosome, then did a fast disguise spell.

What our opponents saw now was three images of
me astride three images of Gleep. Each image of me
had half a ball proudly in its possession.

198 Robert Asprin

The more mathematically oriented of you might
realize that that adds up to three halves. Very good.
Fortunately for us, Jahks aren't big on math. The
question remains, however, where did the third half
come from?

You don't think I was standing by idly while all
this was going on, do you? While my teammates were
mounting up, I took advantage of the confusion to
do one more levitation/disguise job. As a result, the
Trophy was now resting in front of me on Gleep's
back disguised as half a ball. It was the same stunt I
had pulled in Veygus, but this time I draped my shirt
over it.

"Chumly!" I called. "Start your spell!"

"Done!" he waved back.

"We meet back in Klah!" I shouted.

"Now go for it!"

My teammates started up opposite sidelines, head-
ing for both our opponents' goals simultaneously. I
waited a few beats for them to draw off the tacklers,
then started for my objective. Gleep and I were going
for Aahz.

With all due modesty, my plan worked brilliantly.
The appearance of Deveels throughout the crowd
sent the Jahks into a state of panic. The crossbow-
men were too busy trying to get a shot of these new
invaders to pay any attention to me, but they were
poorly aimed. For some reason the beings shooting at
me seemed a bit rattled.

I caught sight of Quigley, standing on his seat and
waving his arms. Catchy phrases like "Begone foul
spirits!" and "I vanquish thee!" were issuing from
his lips as he did his routine.

This didn't surprise me. Not that I felt Quigley was
particularly quick thinking in a crisis. It had to do
with the messages I had sent to both him and Massha
before the play started.

The messages were simple:

MYTH DIRECTIONS         199

STAND BY TO REPEL AN INVASION OF

DEMONS!

P.S. GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS. I'LL

TAKE CARE OF THE DEMONS.

SKEEVE

I caught his eye and winked at him. In return, one
of his "demon dispelling" waves got a little limp-
wristed as he nodded slightly, bidding me adieu. In
the middle of saving his employers from an invasion
of demons, who could blame him if a few departed
who were supposed to stay put.

Aahz's unconscious body came wafting toward us
in response to my mental summons. Gleep stretched
out his long neck and caught my mentor's tunic in his
mouth as he floated by.

It wasn't quite the way I planned it but I was in no
position to be choosy. Tightening my legs around
Gleep's middle, I hit the button on the D-Hopper,
and...

The walls of my room were a welcome change
from the hostile stadium.

"We did it!" I exclaimed, then was startled by the
volume of my voice. After the din of the stadium, my
room seemed incredibly quiet.

"Kid," came a familiar voice, "would you tell
your stupid dragon to put me down before I die from
his breath?"

"Gleep?" my pet asked, dropping my mentor in
an undignified heap.

"Aahz?" I blinked. "I thought you were..."

"Out cold? Not hardly. Can you think of a better
way to get Tanda out on the field? For a while there I
was afraid you wouldn't figure it out and call for a
replacement."

"You mean you were faking all along?" I de-

200 Robert Asprin MYTH DIRECTIONS 201

manded. "I was scared to death! You could have
warned me, you know."

"Like you warned me about your vanishing act?"
he shot back. "And what happened to my orders to
head for home once Tanda was in the clear?"

"Your orders?" I stammered. "Well..."

There was a soft BAMF and Gus and Badaxe were
in the room. Gus was holding the general cradled in
his arms like a babe, but they both seemed in good
spirits.

"Beautiful!" Hugh chortled, hugging the gargoyle
around the neck. "If you ever need a back-up
man..."

"If you ever need a partner." Gus corrected, hug-
ging him back. "You and I could..."

BAMF!

Chumly and Tananda appeared sprawling on the
bed. Both her nostrils were bleeding, but she was
laughing uproariously. Chumly was panting for
breath and wiping tears of hilarity from his big moon
eyes.

"I say," he gasped. "That was a spot of fun. We
haven't double-teamed anyone like that since the last
family reunion, when Auntie Tizzie got Tiddley
and... "

"What happened?" I bellowed.

"We won!" Gus cheered. "One and a half to one
and a half to one! They never knew what hit 'em."

"It's one for the record book," Tananda agreed,
dabbing at her nose.

"For the record book?" Gus challenged. "This
game'll fill a book by itself."

"Aahz, old bean," Chumly called. "Do you have
any wine about? The assemblage seems up for a
celebration."

"I know where it is," Badaxe waved, starting for
the barrels we had secreted under the work table.

"Hold it!" Aahz roared. "Halt, stop, desist, and
TIMEOUT!!"

"I think he wants our attention," Tananda told
the group.

"If you're all quite through," my mentor con-
tinued, shooting her a black look. "I have one ques-
tion."

"What's that?" Tananda asked in her little girl
voice.

"Quit bleeding on the bed," Aahz scowled. "It
lacks class. What I want to know is, did any of you
superstars think to pick up the Trophy? That was the
objective of this whole fiasco, you know."

The team gestured grandly at me. With a grin, I let
the disguise drop away from the Trophy.

"Ta-da!" I warbled. "Happy birthday, Aahz."

"Happy birthday!!" the team echoed.

Aahz looked at their grins, then at the Trophy,
then at their grins again.

"All right," he sighed. "Break out the wine."

The roar of approval for this speech rivaled any-
thing that had come from the stands that afternoon
as the team descended on the wine barrels like a
swarm of hungry humming mice.

"Well, Aahz," I grinned, levitating the Trophy to
the floor and sliding from Gleep's back. "I guess that
just about winds it up."

I was starting for the wine barrels when a heavy
hand fell on my shoulder.

"There are a few loose ends to be tied up," my
mentor drawled.

"Like what?" 1 asked fearfully.

"Like the invitation you gave Massha to drop by
fora visit."

"Invitation?" I echoed in a small voice.

"Badaxe told me about it," Aahz grimaced.
"Then there's a little matter of a quick trip to Deva."

202 Robert Asprin

"To Deva?" I blinked. "What for? I mean, swell,
but..."

"I've got to pick up our winnings," my mentor in-
formed me. "I took the time to place a few small bets
on the game while we were there. Profits don't just
happen, you know."

"When do we start?" I asked eagerly.

"We don't." Aahz said firmly. "This time I'm
going alone. There's something about you and the
Bazaar that just don't mix well."

"But Aahz..."

"And besides," he continued, grinning broadly,
"there's one more loose end from this venture that
will be occupying your time. One which only you can
handle."

"Really?" I said proudly. "What's that?"

"Well," my mentor said, heading for the wine,
"you can start thinking about how we're going to get
that stupid dragon out of our room. He's too big to
fit through the door or window."

"Gleep!" said my pet, licking my face.

About the Author:

With the success of his "Thieves' World"r" series
and the "Myth-Adventures," Robert Asprin has
established himself as one of the most popular of
the new rising generation of science fantasy
authors. Mr. Asprin lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
He claims to have been at one time or another a fen-
cing coach, a Mongol warlord, a Klingon, a cost ac-
countant and a deep space mercenary. Scholars of
the genre consider this biography to be highly fic-
tional, due to the fact that the fourth named would
be grounds for arrest anywhere in the civilized uni-
verse.