Chapter One:

"Life is a series of rude awakenings."

—R. V. WINKLE

OF all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused
from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a
dragon and a unicorn playing tag.

I pried one eye open and blearily tried to focus on
the room. A chair toppled noisily to the floor, con-
vincing me the blurred images my mind was receiving
were due at least in part to the irregular vibrations
coming from the floor and walls. One without my
vast storehouse of knowledge (hard won and pain-
fully endured) might be inclined to blame the pande-
monium on an earthquake. I didn't. The logic behind
this conclusion was simple. Earthquakes were ex-
tremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a
unicorn playing tag wasn't.

It was starting out as an ordinary day . . . that is,
ordinary if you're a junior magician apprenticed to a
demon.

If I had been able to predict the future with any

2

MYTH CONCEPTIONS          3

Robert Asprin

degree of accuracy and thus forsee the events to
come, I probably would have stayed in bed. I mean,
fighting has never been my forte, and the idea of tak-
ing on a whole army . . . but I'm getting ahead of

myself.

The thud that aroused me shook the building, ac-
companied by the crash of various dirty dishes shat-
tering on the floor. The second thud was even more

spectacular.
I considered doing something. I considered going

back to sleep. Then I remembered my mentor's con-
dition when he had gone to bed the night before.

That woke me up fast. The only thing nastier than
a demon from Perv is a demon from Perv with a

hangover.
I was on my feet and headed for the door in a

flash. (My agility was a tribute more to my fear
rather than to any inborn talent.) Wrenching the
door open, I thrust my head outside and surveyed the
terrain. The grounds outside the inn seemed normal.
The weeds were totally out of hand, more than chest
high in places. Something would have to be done
about them someday, but my mentor didn't seem to
mind their riotous growth, and since I was the logical
candidate to cut them if I raised the point, I decided
once again to keep silent on the subject.

Instead, I studied the various flattened patches and
newly torn paths in the overgrowth, trying to deter-
mine the location or at least the direction of my quar-
ries' movement. I had almost convinced myself that
the silence was at least semipermanent and it would
be all right to go back to sleep, when the ground
began to tremble again. I sighed and shakily drew
myself up to my full height, what there was of it, and
prepared to meet the onslaught.

The unicorn was the first to come into view, great
clumps of dirt flying from beneath his hooves as he
ducked around the corner of the inn on my right.

"Buttercup!" I shouted in my most authoritative
tone.

A split second later I had to jump back into the
shelter of the doorway to avoid being trampled by the
speeding beast. Though a bit miffed at his disobe-
dience, I didn't really blame him. He had a dragon
chasing him, and dragons are not notoriously agile
when it comes to quick stops.

As if acting on a cue from my thoughts, the dragon
burst into view. To be accurate, he didn't really
burst, he thudded, shaking the inn as he rebounded
off the corner. As I said, dragons are not notoriously
agile.

"Gleep!" I shouted. "Stop it this instant!"

He responded by taking an affectionate swipe at
me with his tail as he bounded past. Fortunately for
me, the gesture went wide of its mark, hitting the inn
with another jarring thud instead.

So much for my most authoritative tone. If our
two faithful charges were any more obedient, I'd be
lucky to escape with my life. Still I had to stop them.
Whoever came up with the immortal quote about
waking sleeping dragons had obviously never had to
contend with a sleeping demon.

I studied, the two of them chasing each other
through the weeds for a few moments, then decided
to handle this the easy way. Closing my eyes, I envi-
sioned both of them, the dragon and the unicorn.
Then I superimposed the image of the dragon over
that of the unicorn, fleshed it out with a few strokes
of my mental paintbrush, then opened my eyes.

To my eyes, the scene was the same, a dragon and

Robert Asprin

4

a unicorn confronting each other in a field of weeds.
But, of course, I had cast the spell, so naturally I
wouldn't be taken in. Its true effect could be read in
Gleep's reaction.

He cocked his head and peered at Buttercup, first
from this angle, then that, stretching his long serpen-
tine neck to its limits. Then he swiveled his head until
he was looking backward and repeated the process,
scanning the surrounding weeds. Then he looked at
Buttercup again.

To his eyes, his playmate had suddenly disap-
peared, to be replaced by another dragon. It was all
very confusing, and he wanted his playmate back.

In my pet's defense, when I speak of his lack of
agility, both physically and mentally, I don't mean to
imply he is either clumsy or stupid. He's young,
which also accounts for his mere ten-foot length and
half-formed wings. I fully expect that when he ma-
tures—in another four or five hundred years—he will
be very deft and wise, which is more than I can say
for myself. In the unlikely event I should live that
long, all I'll be is old.

"Gleep?"

The dragon was looking at me now. Having
stretched his limited mental abilities to their utmost,
he turned to me to correct the situation or at least
provide an explanation. As the perpetrator of the
situation causing his distress, I felt horribly guilty.
For a moment, I wavered on the brink of restoring
Buttercup's normal appearance.

"If you're quite sure you're making enough
noise. ..."

I winced at the deep, sarcastic tones booming close
behind me. All my efforts were for naught. Aahz was
awake.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS         5

I assumed my best hangdog attitude and turned to
face him.

Needless to say, he looked terrible.

If, perchance, you think a demon covered with
green scales already looks terrible, you've never en-
countered one with a hangover. The normal gold
flecks in his yellow eyes were now copper, accented
by a throbbing network of orange veins. His lips were
drawn back in a painful grimace which exposed even
more of his pointed teeth than his frightening,
reassuring smile. Looming there, his fists clenched on
his hips, he presented a picture terrifying enough to
make a spider-bear faint.

I wasn't frightened, however. I had been with
Aahz for over a year now, and knew his bark was
worse than his bite. Then again, he had never bitten
me.

"Gee, Aahz," I said, digging a small hole with my
toe. "You're always telling me if I can't sleep
through anything, I'm not really tired."

He ignored the barb, as he so frequently does when
I catch him on his own quotes. Instead he squinted
over my shoulder at the scene outside.

"Kid," he said. "Tell me you're practicing. Tell
me you haven't really scrounged up another stupid
dragon to make our lives miserable."

"I'm practicing!" I hastened to reassure him.

To prove the point, I quickly restored Buttercup's
normal appearance.

"Gleep!" said Gleep happily, and the two of them
were off again.

"Really, Aahz," I said innocently to head off his
next caustic remark. "Where would I find another
dragon in this dimension?"

"If there was one to be found here on Klah, you'd

6            Robert Asprin

find it," he snarled. "As I recall, you didn't have
that much trouble finding this one the first time I
turned my back on you. Apprentices!"
He turned and retreated out of the sunlight into the

dim interior of the inn.

"If I recall," I commented, following him, "that

was at the Bazaar on Deva. I couldn't get another
dragon there because you won't teach me how to

travel through the dimensions."

"Get off my case, kid!" he moaned. "We've been
over it a thousand times. Dimension traveling is
dangerous. Look at me! Stranded without my powers
in a back-assward dimension like Klah, where the
lifestyle is barbaric and the food is disgusting."

"You lost your powers because Garkin laced his
special effects cauldron with that joke powder and
then got killed before he could give you the an-
tidote," I pointed out.

"Watch out how you talk about your old
teacher," Aahz warned. "The old slime-monger was
inclined to get carried away with practical jokes once
in a while, true. But he was a master magician . . .
and a friend of mine. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have
saddled myself with his mouthy apprentice," he
finished, giving me a meaningful look.

"I'm sorry, Aahz," I apologized. "It's just that
\_"

"Look, kid," he interrupted wearily, "if I had my
powers—which I don't—and if you were ready to
learn dimension hopping—which you aren't—we
could give it a try. Then, if you miscalculated and
dumped us into the wrong dimension, I could get our
tails out before anything bad happened. As things
stand, trying to teach you dimension hopping would
be more dangerous than playing Russian roulette."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS         7

"What's russian?" I asked.

The inn shook as Gleep missed the corner turn
again.

"When are you going to teach your stupid dragon
to play on the other side of the road?" Aahz snarled,
craning his neck to glare out a window.

"I'm working on it, Aahz," I insisted soothingly.
"Remember, it took me almost a whole year to
housebreakhim."

"Don't remind me," Aahz grumbled. "If I had
my way, we'd..."

He broke off suddenly and cocked his head to one
side.

"You'd better disguise that dragon, kid," he an-
nounced suddenly. "And get ready to do your 'dubi-
ous character' bit. We're about to have a visitor."

I didn't contest the information. We had estab-
lished long ago that Aahz's hearing was much more
acute than mine.

"Right, Aahz," I acknowledged and hurried about
my task.

The trouble with using an inn for a base of opera-
tions, however abandoned or weather-beaten it might
be, was that occasionally people would stop here
seeking food and lodging. Magik was still outlawed
in these lands, and the last thing we wanted was
witnesses.

Chapter Two:

"First impressions, being the longest
lasting, are of utmost importance."

—J. CARTER

AAHZ and I had acquired the inn under rather dubi-
ous circumstances. Specifically, we claimed it as our
rightful spoils of war after the two of us (with the as-
sistance of a couple of allies, now absent) had routed
Isstvan, a maniac magician, and sent him packing
into far dimensions along with all his surviving ac-
complices. The inn had been Isstvan's base of oper-
ations. But now it was ours. Who Isstvan had gotten
it from and how, I didn't want to know. Despite
Aahz's constant assurances, I lived in dread of en-
countering the inn's rightful owner.

I couldn't help remembering all this as I waited
outside the inn for our visitor. As I said, Aahz has
very good hearing. When he tells me he hears some-
thing "close by," he frequently forgets to mention
that "close by" may be over a mile away.

I have also noted, over the course of our friend-
ship, that his hearing is curiously erratic. He can hear

MYTH CONCEPTIONS         9

a lizard-bird scratching itself half a mile away, but
occasionally seems unable to hear the politest of re-
quests no matter how loudly I shout them at him.

There was still no sign of our rumored visitor. I
considered moving back inside the inn out of the late
morning sun, but decided against it. I had carefully
arranged the scene for our guest's arrival, and I hated
to disrupt it for such a minor thing as personal com-
fort.

I had used the disguise spell liberally on Buttercup,
Gleep, and myself. Gleep now looked like a unicorn,
a change that did not seem to bother Buttercup in the
slightest. Apparently unicorns are less discriminating
about their playmates than are dragons. I had made
them both considerably more disheveled and un-
kempt-looking than they actually were. This was
necessary to maintain the image set forth by my own
appearance.

Aahz and I had decided early in our stay that the
best way to handle unwanted guests was not to
threaten them or frighten them away, but rather to be
so repulsive that they left of their own accord. To this
end, I had slowly devised a disguise designed to con-
vince strangers they did not want to be in the same
inn with me, no matter how large the inn was or how
many other people were there. In this disguise, I
would greet wayward travelers as the proprietor of
the inn.

Modestly, I will admit the disguise was a screaming
success. In fact, that was the specific reaction many
visitors had to it. Some screamed, some looked ill,
others sketched various religious symbols in the air
between themselves and me. None of them elected to
spend the night.

When I experimented with various physical de-

10 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 11

fects, Aahz correctly pointed out that many people
did not find any single defect revolting. In fact, in a
dimension such as Klah, most would consider it nor-
mal. To guarantee the desired effect, I adopted many
of them.

When disguised, I walked with a painful limp, had
a hump-back, and a deformed hand which was no-
ticeably diseased. What teeth remained were twisted
and stained, and the focus of one of my eyes had a
tendency to wander about independently of the
other. My nose—in fact, my entire face—was not
symmetrical, and as a masterstroke of my disguise
abilities, there appeared to be vicious-looking bugs
crawling about my mangy hair and tattered clothes.

The overall effect was horrifying. Even Aahz ad-
mitted he found it disquieting, which, considering the
things he's seen in his travels through the dimensions,
was high praise indeed.

My thoughts were interrupted as our visitor came
into view. He sat ramrod-straight astride a huge,
flightless riding bird. He carried no visible weapons
and wore no uniform, but his bearing marked him as
a soldier much more than any outer trappings could
have. His eyes were wary, constantly darting suspi-
ciously about as he walked his bird up to the inn in
slow, deliberate steps. Surprisingly enough, his gaze
passed over me several times without registering my
presence. Perhaps he didn't realize I was alive.

I didn't like this. The man seemed more the hunter
than the casual traveler. Still, he was here and had to
be dealt with. I went into my act.

"Does the noble sahr require a room?"

As I spoke I moved forward in my practical, roll-
ing gait. In case the subtlety of my disguise escaped
him, I allowed a large gob of spittle to ooze from

the corner of my mouth where it rolled unhindered
down to my chin.

For a moment the man's attention was occupied
controlling his mount. Flightless or not, the bird was
trying to take to the air.

Apparently my disguise had touched a primal
chord in the bird's mind that went back prior to its
flightless ancestry.

I waited, head cocked curiously, while the man
fought the bird to a fidgety standstill. Finally, he
turned his attention to me for a moment. Then he
averted his eyes and stared carefully at the sky.

"I come seeking the one known as Skeeve the
magician," he told me.

Now it was my turn to jump. To the best of my
knowledge, no one knew who I was and what I was,
much less where I was, except for Aahz and me.

"That's me!" I blurted out, forgetting myself and
using my real voice.

The man turned horrified eyes on me, and I
remembered my appearance.

"That's me master!" I amended hastily. "You
wait... I fetch."

I turned and scuttled hastily into the inn. Aahz was
waiting inside.

"What is it?" he demanded.

"He's ... he wants to talk to Skeeve ... to me!" I
babbled nervously.

"So?" he asked pointedly. "What are you doing
in here? Go outside and talk to the man."

"Looking like this?"

Aahz rolled his eyes at the ceiling in exasperation.

"Who cares what you look like?" he barked.
"C'mon, kid. The man's a total stranger!"

"I care!" I declared, drawing myself up haughtily.

12

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        13

Robert Asprin

"The man asked for Skeeve the magician, and I
think—"

"He what?" Aahz interrupted.

"He asked for Skeeve the magician," I repeated,
covertly studying the figure waiting outside.

"He looks like a soldier to me," I supplied.

"He looks scared to me," Aahz retorted. "Maybe
you should tone down your disguise a bit next time."

"Do you think he's a demon-hunter?" I asked
nervously.

Instead of answering my question, Aahz turned
abruptly from the window.

"If he wants a magician, we'll give him a magi-
cian," he murmured. "Quick, kid, slap the Garkin
disguise on me."

As I noted earlier, Garkin was my first magik in-
structor. An imposing figure with a salt-and-pepper
beard, he was one of our favorite and most oft-used
disguises. I could do Garkin in my sleep.

"Good enough, kid," Aahz commented, survey-
ing the results of my work. "Now follow close and let
me do the talking."

"Like this?" I exclaimed.

"Relax, kid," he reassured me. "For this conver-
sation I'm you. Understand?"

Aahz was already heading out through the door
without waiting for my reply, leaving me little choice
other than to follow along behind him.

"Who seeks an audience with the great Skeeve?"
Aahz bellowed in a resonant bass voice.

The man shot another nervous glance at me, then
drew himself up in stiff formality.

"I come as an emissary from his most noble
Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum,
who—"

"Where's Possiltum?" Aahz interrupted.

"I beg your pardon?" the man blinked.

"Possiltum," Aahz repeated. "Where is it?"

"Oh!" the man said with sudden understanding.
"It's the kingdom just east of here . . . other side of
the Ember River . .. you can't miss it."

"Okay," Aahz nodded. "Go on."

The man took a deep breath, then hesitated,
frowning.

"King of Possiltum," I prompted.

"Oh yes! Thanks." The man shot a quick smile,
then another quick stare, then continued, "King of
Possiltum, who sends his respects and greetings to
the one known as Skeeve the magician ..."

He paused and looked at Aahz expectantly. He
was rewarded with a polite nod of the head. Satis-
fied, the man continued.

"His Majesty extends an invitation to Skeeve the
magician to appear before the court of Possiltum
that he might be reviewed for his suitability for the
position of court magician."

"I don't really feel qualified to pass judgment on
the king's suitability as a court magician," Aahz said
modestly, eyeing the man carefully. "Isn't he content
just to be king?"

"No, no!" the man corrected hastily. "The king
wants to review your suitability."

"Oh!" Aahz said with the appearance of sudden
understanding. "That's a different matter entirely.
Well, well. An invitation from . . . who was it
again?"

"Rodrick the Fifth," the man announced, lifting
his head haughtily.

"Well," Aahz said, grinning broadly. "I've never
been one to refuse a fifth!"

14           Robert Asprin

The man blinked and frowned, then glanced at me
quizzically. I shrugged, not understanding the joke

myself.

"You may tell His Majesty," Aahz continued,

unaware of our confusion. "I shall be happy to ac-
cept his kind invitation. I shall arrive at his court at

my earliest convenience."
The man frowned.
"I believe His Majesty requires your immediate

presence," he commented darkly.

"Of course," Aahz answered smoothly. "How
silly of me. If you will accept our hospitality for the
night, I and my assistant here will be most pleased to
accompany you in the morning."

I knew a cue when I heard one. I drooled and

bared my teeth at the messenger.
The man shot a horrified look in my direction.
"Actually," he said hastily, "I really must be

going. I'll tell His Majesty you'll be following close

behind."

"You're sure you wouldn't like to stay?" Aahz

asked hopefully.                               \
"Positive!" The man nearly shouted his reply as

he began backing the bird away from us.

"Oh, well," Aahz said. "Perhaps we'll catch up

with you on the road."

"In that case," the man said, turning his bird,

"I'll want a head . .. that is, I'd best be on my way to

announce your coming."

I raised my hand to wave good-bye, but he was
already moving at a rapid pace, urging his mount to
still greater speeds and ignoring me completely.

"Excellent!" Aahz exclaimed, rubbing his hands
together gleefully. "A court magician! What a soft
job! And the day started out so miserably."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        15

"If I can interrupt," I interrupted. "There's one
minor flaw in your plan."
"Hmm? What's that?"
" I don' t want to be a court magician!''
As usual, my protest didn't dampen his enthusiasm

at all.

"You didn't want to be a magician, either," he
reminded me bluntly. "You wanted to be a thief.
Well, here's a good compromise for you. As a court
magician, you'll be a civil servant . . . and civil ser-
vants are thieves on a grander scale than you ever
dreamed possible!"

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

17

Chapter Three:

"Ninety percent of any business trans-
action is seffing yourself to the client."

-X. HOLLANDER

"Now let me see if I've got this right," I said care-
fully. "You're saying they probably won't hire me on

the basis of my abilities?"
I couldn't believe I'd interpreted Aahz's lecture

correctly, but he beamed enthusiastically.

"That's right, kid," he approved. "Now you've

^"No, I don't," I insisted. "That's the craziest

thing I've ever heard!"

Aahz groaned and hid his face in his hand.
It had been like this ever since we left the inn, and

three days of a demon's groaning is a bit much for

anyone to take.                                ^
"I'm sorry, Aahz." I said testily, "but I don t

believe it. I've taken a lot of things you've told me on
faith, but this... this goes against common sensed

"What does common sense have to do with it?" he
exploded. "We're talking about a job interview!"

At this outburst, Buttercup snorted and tossed his
head, making it necessary for us to duck out of range
of his horn.

"Steady, Buttercup!" I admonished soothingly.

Though he still rolled his eyes, the unicorn re-
sumed his stoic plodding, the travois loaded with our
equipment dragging along behind him still intact.
Despite incidents such as had occurred back at the
inn. Buttercup and I got along fairly well, and he
usually obeyed me. In contrast, he and Aahz never
really hit it off, especially when the latter chose to
raise his voice angrily.

"All it takes is a little gentleness," I informed
Aahz smugly. "You should try it sometime."

"While you're showing off your dubious rapport
with animals," Aahz retorted, "you might call your
dragon back. All we need is to have him stirring up
the countryside."

I cast a quick glance about. He was right. Gleep
had disappeared . . . again.

"Gleep!" I called. "Come here, fella!"

"Gleep!" came an answering cry.

The bushes off to our left parted, and the dragon's
head emerged.

"Gleep?" he said, cocking his head.

" Come here!" I repeated.

My pet needed no more encouragement. He
bounded into the open and trotted to my side.

"I still say we should have left that stupid dragon
back at the inn," Aahz grumbled.

I ignored him, checking to be sure that the gear
hung saddlebag fashion over the dragon's back was
still secure. Personally, I felt we were carrying far too
much in the way of personal belongings, but Aahz
had insisted. Gleep tried to nuzzle me affectionately

18

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        19

Robert Asprin

with his head, and I caught a whiff of his breath. For
a moment, I wondered if Aahz had been right about
leaving the dragon behind.

"What were you saying about job interviews?" I
asked, both to change the subject and to hide the fact

I was gagging.

"I know it sounds ridiculous, kid," Aahz began
with sudden sincerity, "and it is, but a lot of things
are ridiculous, particularly in this dimension. That
doesn't mean we don't have to deal with them."

That gave me pause to think. To a lot of people,
having a demon and a dragon for traveling compan-
ions would seem ridiculous. As a matter of fact, if I
took time to think it through, it seemed pretty

ridiculous to me!

"Okay, Aahz," I said finally, "I can accept the ex-
istence of ridiculousness as reality. Now try explain-
ing the court magician thing to me again."

We resumed walking as Aahz organized his
thoughts. For a change, Gleep trailed placidly along
beside Buttercup instead of taking off on another of
his exploratory side trips.

"See if this makes any sense," Aahz said finally.
"Court magicians don't do much ... magically at
least. They're primarily kept around for show, as a
status symbol to demonstrate a court is advanced
enough to rate a magician. It's a rare occasion when
they're called upon to do anything. If you were a
jester, they'd work your tail off, but not as a magi-
cian. Remember, most people are skittish about
magik, and use it as seldom as possible."

"If that's the case," I said confidently, "I'm
qualified. I'll match my ability to do nothing against
any magician on Klah."

"No argument there," Aahz observed dryly. "But

it's not quite that easy. To hold the job takes next to
no effort at all. Getting the job can be an uphill
struggle."

"Oh! "I said, mollified.

"Now to get the job, you'll have to impress the
king and probably his advisors," Aahz continued.
"You'll have to impress them with you, not with
your abilities."

"How's that again?" I frowned.

"Look, kid. Like I said, a court magician is win-
dow dressing, a showpiece. They'll be looking for
someone they want to have hanging around their
court, someone who is impressive whether or not he
ever does anything. You'll have to exude confidence.
Most important, you'll have to look like a magician
... or at least, what they think a magician looks like.
If you can dress like a magician, talk like a magician,
and act like a magician, maybe no one will notice you
don't have the abilities of a magician."

"Thanks, Aahz," I grimaced. "You're really
doing wonders towards building my confidence."

"Now don't sulk," Aahz admonished. "You
know how to levitate reasonably large objects, you
can fly after a fashion, and you've got the disguise
spell down pat. You're doing pretty well for a rank
novice, but don't kid yourself into believing you're
anywhere near full magician's status."

He was right, of course, but I was loath to admit it.

"If I'm such a bumbling incompetent," I said
stiffly, "why are we on our way to establish me as a
court magician?"

Aahz bared his teeth at me in irritation.

"You aren't listening, kid," he snarled. "Holding
the job once you've got it will be a breeze. You can
handle that now. The tricky part will be getting you

r

20

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 21

hired. Fortunately, with a few minor modifications
and a little coaching, I think we can get you ready for
polite society."

"Modifications such as what?" I asked, curious
despite myself.

Aahz made a big show of surveying me from head

to foot.
"For a start," he said, "there's the way you

dress."
"What's wrong with the way I dress?" I countered

defensively.

"Nothing at all," he replied innocently. "That is,
if you want people to see you as a bumpkin peasant
with dung on his boots. Of course, if you want to be
a court magician, well, that's another story. No
respectable magician would be caught dead in an out-
fit like that."

"But I am a respectable magician!" I argued.

"Really? Respected by who?"

He had me there, so I lapsed into silence.

"That's specifically the reason I had the foresight
to bring along a few items from the inn," Aahz con-
tinued, indicating Buttercup's burdens with a grand
sweep of his hand.

"And here I thought you were just looting the
place," I said dryly.

"Watch your mouth, kid," he warned. "This is all
for your benefit."

"Really? You aren't expecting anything at all out
of this deal?"

My sarcasm, as usual, was lost on him.

"Oh, I'll be around," he acknowledged. "Don't
worry about that. Publicly, I'll be your apprentice."

"My apprentice?"

This Job was suddenly sounding much better.

"Publicly!" Aahz repeated hastily. "Privately,
you'll continue your lessons as normal. Remember
that before you start getting frisky with your 'ap-
prentice.' "

"Of course, Aahz," I assured him. "Now, what
was it you were saying about changing the way I
dress?"

He shot me a sidelong glance, apparently suspi-
cious of my sudden enthusiasm.

"Not that there's anything wrong with me the way
I am," I added with a theatrical scowl.

That seemed to ease his doubts.

"Everything's wrong with the way you dress," he
growled. "We're lucky those two Imps left most of
their wardrobe behind when we sent 'em packing
along with Isstvan."

"Higgens and Brockhurst?"

"Yeah, those two," Aahz grinned evilly at the
memory. "I'll say one thing for Imps. They may be
inferior to Deveels as merchants, but they are snappy
dressers."

"I find it hard to believe that all that stuff you
bundled along is wardrobe," I observed skeptically.

"Of course it isn't," my mentor moaned. "It's
special effects gear."

"Special effects?"

"Don't you remember anything, kid?" Aahz
scowled. "I told you all this when we first met. How-
ever easy magik is, you can't let it look easy. You
need a few hand props, a line of patter... you know,
like Garkin had."

Garkin's hut, where I had first been introduced to
magik, had been full of candles, vials of strange
powders, dusty books . . . now there was a magi-
cian's lair! Of course, I had since discovered most of

Robert Asprin

22                                                        MYTH CONCEPTIONS

23

what he had was unnecessary for the actual working
ofmagik itself.

I was beginning to see what Aahz meant when he
said I'd have to learn to put on a show.

"We've got a lot of stuff we can work into your
presentation," Aahz continued. "Isstvan left a lot of
his junk behind when he left. Oh, and you might find
some familiar items when we unload. I think the
Imps helped themselves to some of Garkin's equip-
ment and brought it back to the inn with them."

"Really?" I said, genuinely interested. "Did they
get Garkin's brazier?"

"Brazier?" My mentor frowned.

"You remember," I prompted. "You used it to
drink wine out of when you first arrived."

"That's right! Yeah, I think I saw it in there.

Why?"

"No special reason," I replied innocently. "It was
always a favorite of mine, that's all."

From watching Garkin back in my early apprentice
days, I knew there were secrets to that brazier I was
dying to learn. I also knew that, if possible, I wanted
to save it as a surprise for Aahz.

"We're going to have to do something about your
physical appearance, too," Aahz continued thought-
fully.

"What's—"

"You're too young!" he answered, anticipating
my question. "Nobody hires a young magician. They
want one who's been around for a while. If we—"

He broke off suddenly and craned his neck to look

around.

"Kid," he said carefully, studying the sky. "Your

dragon's gone again."
I did a fast scan. He was right.

"Gleep!" I called. "Here, fella!"

The dragon's head appeared from the depths of a
bush behind us. There was something slimy with legs
dangling from his mouth, but before I could manage
an exact identification, my pet swallowed and the
whatzit disappeared.

"Gleep!" he said proudly, licking his lips with his
long forked tongue.

"Stupid dragon," Aahz muttered darkly.

"He's cheap to feed," I countered, playing on
what I knew to be Aahz's tight-fisted nature.

As we waited for the dragon to catch up, I had
time to reflect that for once I felt no moral or ethical
qualms about taking part in one of Aahz's schemes.
If the unsuspecting Rodrick the Fifth was taken in by
our charade and hired us, I was confident the king
would be getting more than he bargained for.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        25

Chapter Four:

"If the proper preparations have been
made and the necessary precautions
taken, any staged event is guaranteed

success."

—ETHELRED THE UNREADY

THE candle lit at the barest flick from my mind.
Delighted, I snuffed it and tried again.
A sidelong glance, a fleeting concentration of my

will, and the smoldering wick burst into flame again.
I snuffed the flame and sat smiling at the familiar

candle.

This was the first real proof I'd had as to how far

my magical powers had developed in the past year. I
knew this candle from my years as Garkin's appren-
tice. In those days, it was my arch nemesis. Even
focusing all my energies failed to light it then. But

now . . .

I glanced at the wick again, and again it rewarded

me with a burst of flame.

I snuffed it and repeated the exercise, my con-
fidence growing as I realized how easily I could now
do something I once thought impossible.

"Will you knock it off with the candle!"

I jumped at the sound of Aahz's outburst, nearly
upsetting the candle and setting the blanket afire.

"I'm sorry, Aahz," I said, hastily snuffing the
candle for the last time. "I just—"

"You're here to audition for court magician," he
interrupted. "Not for town Christmas tree!"

I considered asking what a Christmas tree was, but
decided against it. Aahz seemed uncommonly ir-
ritable and nervous, and I was pretty sure, however I
chose to phrase my question, that the answer would
be both sarcastic and unproductive.

"Stupid candle blinking on and off," Aahz grum-
bled half to himself. "Attract the attention of every
guard in the castle."

"I thought we were trying to attract their atten-
tion," I pointed out, but Aahz ignored me, peering at
the castle through the early-morning light.

He didn't have to peer far, as we were camped in
the middle of the road just short of the castle's main
gates.

As I said, I was under the impression our position
was specifically chosen to attract attention to our-
selves.

We had crept into position in the dead of night,
clumsily picking our way through the sleeping build-
ings clustered about the main gate. Not wishing to
show a light, unpacking had been minimal, but even
in the dark, I had recognized Garkin's candle.

All of this had to do with something Aahz called a
"dramatic entrance." As near as I could tell, all this
meant was we couldn't do anything the easy way.

Our appearance was also carefully designed for ef-
fect, with the aid of the Imps' abandoned wardrobe
and my disguise spells.

Aahz was outfitted in my now traditional "dubi-

26

Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

27

ous character" disguise. Gleep was standing placidly
beside Buttercup disguised as a unicorn, giving us a
matched pair. It was my own appearance, however,
which had been the main focus of our attentions.

Both Aahz and I had agreed that the Garkin dis-
guise would be unsuitable for this effort. While my
own natural appearance was too young, Garkin's
would be too old. Since we could pretty much choose
the image we wanted, we decided to field a magician
in his mid to late thirties; young without being youth-
ful, experienced without being old, and powerful but
still learning.

To achieve this disguise involved a bit more work
than normal, as I did not have an image in mind to
superimpose over my own. Instead, I closed my eyes
and envisioned myself as I appeared normally, then
slowly erased the features until I had a blank face to
begin on. Then I set to work with Aahz watching
carefully and offering suggestions and modifications.

The first thing I changed was my height, adjusting
the image until the new figure stood a head and a half
taller than my actual diminutive stature. My hair was
next and I changed my strawberry-blond thatch to a
more sinister black, at the same time darkening my
complexion several shades.

The face gave us the most trouble.

"Elongate the chin a little more," Aahz instructed.
"Put on a beard . . . not that much, stupid! Just a
little goatee! . . . That's better! . . . Now lower the
sideburns . . . okay, build up the nose . . . narrow
it... make the eyebrows bushier ... no, change 'em
back and sink the eyes a little instead ... for crying
out loud change the eye color! Make 'em brown . . .
okay, now a couple of frown wrinkles in the middle
of the forehead.... Good. That should do it."

I stared at the figure in my mind, burning the
image into my memory. It was effective, maybe a bit
more sinister than I would have designed if left to my
own devices, but Aahz was the expert and I had to
trust his judgment. I opened my eyes.

"Terrific, kid!" Aahz beamed. "Now put on that
black robe with the gold and red trim the Imps left,
and you'll cut a figure fit to grace any court."

"Move along there! You're blocking the road!"

The rude order wrenched my thoughts back to the
present.

A soldier, resplendent in leather armor and brand-
ishing an evil-looking pike, was angrily approaching
our crude encampment. Behind him the gates stood
slightly ajar, and I could see the heads of several
other soldiers watching us curiously.

Now that the light was improving, I could see the
wall better. It wasn't much of a wall, barely ten feet
high. That figured. From what we had seen since we
crossed the border, it wasn't much of a kingdom,
either.

"You deaf or something?" the soldier barked
drawing close. "I said move along!"

Aahz scuttled forward and planted himself in the
soldier's path.

"Skeeve the Magnificent has arrived," he an-
nounced. "And he—"

"I don't care who you are!" the soldier snarled,
wasting no time placing his pike between himself and
the figure addressing him. "You can't—"

He broke off abruptly as his pike leaped from his
grasp and floated horizontally in mid-air until it was
forming a barricade between him and Aahz.

The occurrence was my doing, a simple feat of
levitation. Regardless of our planned gambit, I felt I

28 Robert Asprin

should take a direct hand in the proceedings before
things got completely out of hand.

"I am Skeeve!" I boomed, forcing my voice into a
resonant bass. "And that is my assistant you are at-
tempting to threaten with your feeble weapon. We
have come in response to an invitation from Rodrick
the Fifth, King of Possiltum!"

"That's right, Bosco!" Aahz leered at the soldier.
"Now just run along like a good fellow and pass the
word we're here... eh?"

As I noted earlier, all this was designed to impress
the hell out of the general populace. Apparently the
guard hadn't read the script. He did not cower in
terror or cringe with fear. If anything, our little act
seemed to have the exact opposite effect on him.

"A magician, eh?" he said with a mocking sneer.
"For that I've got standing orders. Go around to the
back where the others are."

This took us aback. Well, at least it took me
aback. According to our plan, we would end up argu-
ing whether we entered the palace to perform in the
king's court, or if the king had to bring his court out-
side to where we were. Being sent to the back door
was not an option we had considered.

"To the back?" Aahz glowered. "You dare to sug-
gest a magician of my master's stature go to the back
door like a common servant?"

The soldier didn't budge an inch.

"If it were up to me, I'd 'dare to suggest' a far less
pleasant activity for you. As it is, I have my orders.
You're to go around to the back like all the others."

"Others?" I asked carefully.

"That's right," the guard sneered. "The king is
holding an open air court to deal with all you
'miracle workers.' Every hack charm-peddler for

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        29

eight kingdoms is in town. Some of 'em have been in
line since noon yesterday. Now get around to the
back and quit blocking the road!"

With that he turned on his heel and marched back
to the gate, leaving his pike hanging in mid-air.

For once, Aahz was as speechless as I was. Ap-
parently I wasn't the only one the king had invited to
drop by. Apparently we were in big trouble.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        31

Chapter Five:

"... Eye of newt, toe of frog..."
—Believed to be the first recipe
for an explosive mixture ...
The forerunner of gunpowder.

"WHAT are we going to do, Aahz?"

With the guard out of earshot, I could revert to my
normal voice and speech patterns, though it was still
necessary to keep my physical disguise intact.

"That's easy," he responded. "We pack up our
things and go around the back. Weren't you listen-
ing, kid?"

"But what are we going to do about..."

But Aahz was already at work, rebinding the few
items we had unpacked.

"Don't do anything, kid," he warned over his
shoulder. "We can't let anyone see you doing menial
work. It's bad for the image."

"He said there were other magicians here!" I
blurted at last.

"Yeah.So?"

"Well, what are we going to do?"

30

Aahz scowled. "I told you once. We're going to
pack our things and—"

"What are we going to do about the other magi-
cians?"

"Do? We aren't going to do anything. You aren't
up to dueling, you know."

He had finished packing and stepped back to
survey his handiwork. Nodding in satisfaction, he
turned and shot a glance over my shoulder.

"Do something about the pike, will ya, kid?"

I followed his gaze. The guard's pike was still
hanging suspended in mid-air. Even though I hadn't
been thinking about it, part of my mind had been
keeping it afloat until I decided what to do with it.
The question was, what should I do with it?

"Say, Aahz ..." I began, but Aahz had already
started walking along the wall.

For a moment I was immobilized with indecision.
The guard had gone so I couldn't return his weapon
to him. Still, simply letting it drop to the ground
seemed somehow anticlimatic.

Unable to think of anything to do that would have
the proper dramatic flair, I decided to postpone the
decision. For the time being, I let the pike float along
behind me as I hurried after Aahz, first giving it addi-
tional elevation so it would not be a danger to Gleep
and Buttercup.

"Were you expecting other magicians to be here?"
I asked, drawing abreast of my mentor.

"Not really," Aahz admitted. "It was a possi-
bility, of course, but I didn't give it a very high prob-
ability rating. Still, it's not all that surprising. A job
like this is bound to draw competition out of the
woodwork."

He didn't seem particularly upset, so I tried to take

32

Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

33

this new development in stride.

"Okay," I said calmly. "How does this change
our plans?"

"It doesn't. Just do your thing like I showed you
and everything should come out fine."

"But if the other magicians—"

Aahz stopped short and turned to face me.

"Look, kid," he said seriously, "just because I
keep telling you you've got a long way to go before
you're a master magician doesn't mean you're a
hack! I wouldn't have encouraged you to show up
for this interview if I didn't think you were good
enough to land the job."

"Really, Aahz?"

He turned and started walking again.

"Just remember, as dimensions go, Klah isn't
noted for its magicians. You're no master, but
masters are few and far between. I'm betting that
compared to the competition, you'll look like a real
expert."

That made sense. Aahz was quite outspoken in his
low opinion of Klah and the Klahds that inhabited it,
including me. That last thought made me fish for a
bit more reassurance.

"Aahz?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"What's your honest appraisal of my chances?"

There was a moment of silence before he an-
swered.

"Kid, you know how you're always complaining
that I keep tearing down your confidence?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, for both our sakes, don't push too hard for
my honest appraisal."

I didn't.

Getting through the back gate proved to be no
problem ... mostly because there wasn't a back gate.
To my surprise and Aahz's disgust, the wall did not
extend completely around the palace. As near as I
could see, only the front wall was complete. The two
side walls were under construction, and the back wall
was nonexistent. I should clarify that. My statement
that the side walls were under construction was an as-
sumption based on the presence of scaffolding at the
end of the wall rather than by the observation of any
activity going on. If there was any work being per-
formed, it was being done carefully enough not to
disturb the weeds which abounded throughout the
scaffolding.

I was beginning to have grave doubts about the
kingdom I was about to ally myself with.

It was difficult to tell if the court was being con-
vened in a garden, or if this was a courtyard losing its
fight with the weeds and underbrush which crowded
in through the opening where the back wall should
have been. (Having grown up on a farm, my basic
education in plants was that if it wasn't edible and
growing in neat rows, it was a weed.)

As if in answer to my thoughts. Buttercup took a
large mouthful of the nearest clump of growth and
began chewing enthusiastically. Gleep sniffed the
same bush and turned up his nose at it.

All this I noted only as an aside. My main attention
was focused on the court itself.

There was a small open-sided pavilion set against
the wall of the palace sheltering a seated figure, pre-
sumably the king. Standing close beside him on either
side were two other men. The crowd, such as it was,
was split into two groups. The first was standing in a
somewhat orderly line along one side of the garden. I

34           Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

35

assumed this was the waiting line ... or rather I
hoped it was as that was the group we joined. The
second group was standing in a disorganized mob on
the far side of the garden watching the proceedings.
Whether these were rejected applicants or merely in-
terested hangers-on, I didn't know.

Suddenly, a young couple in the watching group
caught my eye. I hadn't expected to encounter any
familiar faces here, but these two I had seen before.
Not only had I seen them, Aahz and I had imperson-
ated them at one point, a charade which had resulted
in our being hanged.

"Aahz!" I whispered urgently. "Do you see those
two over there? "

"No," Aahz said bluntly, not even turning his
head to look.

"But they're the—"

"Forget 'em," he insisted. "Watch the judges.
They're the ones we have to impress."

I had to admit that made a certain amount of
sense. Grudgingly, I turned my attention to the
figures in the pavilion.

The king was surprisingly young, perhaps in his
mid-twenties. His hair was a tumble of shoulder-
length curls, which combined with his slight build
almost made him look effeminate. Judging from his
posture, either the interviews had been going on for
some time, or he had mastered the art of looking
totally bored.

The man on his left bent and urgently whispered
something in the king's ear and was answered by a
vague nod.

This man, only slightly older than the king but
balding noticeably, was dressed in a tunic and cloak

of drab color and conservative cut. Though relaxed
in posture and quiet in bearing, there was a watchful
brightness to his eyes that reminded me of a feverish
weasel.

There was a stirring of the figure on the king's
right, which drew my attention in that direction. I
had a flash impression of a massive furry lump, then
I realized with a start that it was a man. He was tall
and broad, his head crowned with thick, black,
unkempt curls, his face nearly obscured by a full
beard and mustache. This, combined with his heavy
fur cloak, gave him an animal-like appearance which
had dominated my first impression. He spoke briefly
to the king, then recrossed his arms in a gesture of
finality and glared at the other advisor. His cloak
opened briefly during his oration, giving me a
glimpse of a glittering shirt of mail and a massive
double-headed hand-axe hung on a belt at his waist.
Clearly this was not a man to cross. The balding
figure seemed unimpressed, matching his rival's glare
with one of his own.

There was a sharp nudge in my ribs.

"Did you see that?" Aahz whispered urgently.

"See what? "I asked.

"The king's advisors. A general and a chancellor
unless I miss my guess. Did you see the gold medal-
lion on the general?"

"I saw his axe!" I whispered back.
The light in the courtyard suddenly dimmed.
Looking up, I saw a mass of clouds forming over-
head, blotting out the sun.

"Weather control," Aahz murmured half to him-
self. "Not bad."

Sure enough, the old man in the red cloak cur-

36

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 37

rently before the throne gestured wildly and tossed a
cloud of purple powder into the air, and a light driz-
zle began to fall.

My spirits fell along with the rain. Even with
Aahz's coaching on presentation, my magik was not
this powerful or impressive.

"Aahz ..." I whispered urgently.

Instead of responding, he waved me to silence, his

eyes riveted on the pavilion.

Following his gaze, I saw the general speaking
urgently with the king. The king listened for a mo-
ment, then shrugged and said something to the magi-
cian.

Whatever he said, the magician didn't like it.
Drawing himself up haughtily, he turned to leave,
only to be called back by the king. Pointing to the
clouds, the king said a'few more words and leaned
back. The magician hesitated, then shrugged, and
began gesturing and chanting once more.

"Turned him down," Aahz said smugly.

"Then what's he doing now?''

"Clearing up the rain before the next act goes on,"

Aahz informed me.

Sure enough, the drizzle was slowing and the
clouds began to scatter, much to the relief of the au-
dience who, unlike the king, had no pavilion to pro-
tect them from the storm. This further display of the
magician's power, however, did little to bolster my

sagging confidence.

"Aahz!" I whispered. "He's a better magician

than I am."

"Yeah," Aahz responded. "So?"
"So if they turned him down, I haven't got a

chance!"

"Maybe yes, maybe no," came the thoughtful

reply. "As near as I can tell, they're looking for
something specific. Who knows? Maybe you're it.
Remember what I told you, cushy jobs don't always
go to the most skillful. In fact, it usually goes the
other way."

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound optimistic.
"Maybe I'll get lucky."

"It's going to take more than luck," Aahz cor-
rected me sternly. "Now, what have you learned
watching the king's advisors?"

"They don't like each other," I observed immedi-
ately.

"Right!" Aahz sounded surprised and pleased.
"Now that means you probably won't be able to
please them both. You'll have to play up to one of
them ... or better still insult one. That'll get the
other one on your side faster than anything. Now,
which one do you want on your side?"

That was easier than his first question.

"The general," I said firmly.

"Wrong! You want the chancellor."

"The chancellor!" I exclaimed, blurting the words
out louder than I had intended. "Did you see the size
of that axe the general's carrying?"

"Uh-huh," Aahz replied. "Did you hear what
happened to the guy who interviewed before old Red
Cloak here got his turn?"

I closed my eyes and controlled my first sharp
remark.

"Aahz," I said carefully, "remember me? I'm
Skeeve. I'm the one who can't hear whispers a mile
away."

As usual Aahz ignored my sarcasm.

"The last guy didn't even get a chance to show his
stuff," he informed me. "The chancellor took one

38

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 39

look at the crowd he brought with him and asked
how many were in his retinue. 'Eight,' the man said.
'Too many!' says the chancellor and the poor fool
was dismissed immediately."

"So? "I asked bluntly.

"So the chancellor is the one watching the purse
strings," concluded Aahz. "What's more, he has
more influence than the general. Look at these silly
walls. Do you think a military man would leave walls
half-finished if he had the final say? Somebody de-
cided too much money was being spent constructing
them and the project was canceled or delayed. I'm
betting that somebody was the chancellor."

"Maybe they ran out of stones," I suggested.

"C'mon, kid. From what we've seen since we
crossed the border this kingdom's principal crop is

stones."

"But the general..."

As I spoke, I glanced in the general's direction
again. To my surprise and discomfort, he was staring
directly at me. It wasn't a friendly stare.

I hesitated for a moment, hoping I was wrong. 1
wasn't. The general's gaze didn't waver, nor did his
expression soften. If anything, it got uglier.

"Aahz," I hissed desperately, unable to tear my
eyes from the general.

Now the king and the chancellor were staring in my
direction too, their attention drawn by the general's

to our rear, and floating serenely above them was the
guard's pike. I guess it was kind of noticeable.

"You!"

I turned toward the pavilion and the sound of the
bellow. The general had stepped forward and was
pointing a massive finger at me.

"Yes, you!" he roared as our eyes met once more.
"Where did you get that pike? It belongs to the
palace guards."

"I think you're about to have your interview,
kid," Aahz murmured. "Give it your best and knock
'em stiff."

"But—" I protested.

"It beats standing in line!"

With that, Aahz took a long leisurely step back-
ward. The effect was the same as if I had stepped for-
ward, which I definitely hadn't. With the attention of
the entire courtyard now centered on me, however, I
had no choice but to take the plunge.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS         41

Chapter Six:

"That's entertainment!"

—VLAD THE IMPALER

CROSSING my arms, I moved toward the pavilion,
keeping my pace slow and measured.

Aahz had insisted I practice this walk. He said it
would make me look confident and self-possessed.
Now that I was actually appearing before a king, I
found I was using the walk, not as a show of ar-
rogance, but to hide the weakness in my legs.

"Well?" the general rumbled, looming before me.
"I asked you a question! Where did you get that
pike? You'd best answer before I grow angry!"

Something in me snapped. Any fear I felt of the
general and his axe evaporated, replaced by a heady
glow of strength.

I had discovered on my first visit to the Bazaar at
Deva that I didn't like to be pushed by big, loud
Deveels. I discovered now that I also didn't like it any
better when the arrogance came from a big, loud
fellow Klahd.

40

So the big man wanted to throw his weight around,
did he?

With a twitch of my mind, I summoned the pike.
Without turning to look, I brought it arrowing over
my shoulder in a course destined to embed it in the
general's chest.

The general saw it coming and paled. He took an
awkward step backward, realized it was too late for
flight, and groped madly for his axe.

I stopped the pike three feet from his chest,
floating it in front of him with its point leveled at his
heart.

"This pike?" I asked casually.

"Ahh ..." the general responded, his eyes never
leaving the weapon.

"I took this pike from an overly rude soldier. He
said he was following orders. Would those orders
come from you, by any chance?"

"I ... urn. . . ." The general licked his lips. "I
issued orders that my men deal with strangers in an
expedient fashion. I said nothing about their being
less then polite."

"In that case..."

I moved the pike ninety degrees so that it no longer
threatened the general.

"... I return the pike to you so that you might give
it back to the guard along with a clarification of your
orders...."

The general hesitated, scowling, then extended
his hand to grasp the floating pike. Just before he
reached it, I let it fall to the ground where it clattered
noisily.

"... and hopefully additional instructions as to
how to handle their weapons," I concluded.

The general flushed and started to pick up the

42           Robert Asprin

pike. Then the chancellor snickered, and the general
spun around to glare at him. The chancellor smirked
openly and whispered something to the king, who

tried to suppress a smile at his words.
The general turned to me again, ignoring the pike,

and glared down from his full height.

"Who are you?" he asked in a tone which implied
my name would be immediately moved to the head of

the list for public execution.

"Who's asking?" I glared back, still not com-
pletely over my anger.

"The man you are addressing," the king inter-
ceded, "is Hugh Badaxe, Commander of the Royal

Armies of Possiltum."

"And I am J. R. Grimble," the chancellor added

hastily, afraid of being left out. "First Advisor to His

Majesty."
The general shot another black look at Grimble. I

decided it was time to get down to business.

"I am the magician known as Skeeve," I began
grandly. "I have come in response to a gracious in-
vitation from His Most Noble Majesty, Rodrick the

Fifth."

I paused and inclined my head slightly to the king

who smiled and nodded in return.

"I have come to determine for myself if I should
consider accepting a position at the court of Possil-
tum."

The phrasing of that last part had been chosen very

carefully by Aahz. It was designed to display my con-
fidence by implying the choice was mine rather than

theirs.
The subtlety was not lost on the chancellor, who

raised a critical eyebrow at my choice of words.
"Now, such a position requires confidence on both

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        43

sides," I continued. "I must feel that I will be amply
rewarded for my services, and His Majesty must be
satisfied that my skills are worthy of his sponsor-
ship."

I turned slightly and raised my voice to address the
entire court.

"The generosity of the crown of Possiltum is
known to all," I declared. "And I have every confi-
dence His Majesty will reward his retainers in pro-
portion to their service to him."

There was a strangled sound behind me, from the
general, I think. I ignored it.

"Therefore, all that is required is that I satisfy His
Majesty . . . and his advisors . . . that my humble
skills will indeed suffice his needs."

I turned to the throne once more, letting the king
see my secret smile which belied the humility of my
words.

"Your Majesty, my powers are many and varied.
However, the essence of power is control. Therefore
realizing you are a busy man, rather than waste time
with mere commercial trickeries and minor demon-
strations such as we have already seen, I shall weave
but three spells and trust in your wisdom to perceive
the depths behind them."

I turned and stretched forth a finger to point at
Buttercup and Gleep.

"Yonder are my prize pair of matched unicorns,"
I said dramatically. "Would Your Majesty be so kind
as to choose one of them?"

The king blinked in surprise at being invited to par-
ticipate in my demonstration. For a moment he hesi-
tated.

"Umm ... I choose the one on the left," he said,
finally indicating Buttercup.

44 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 45

I bowed slightly.

"Very well, Your Majesty. By your word shall that
creature be spared. Observe the other closely."

Actually, that was another little stunt Aahz had
taught me. It's called a "magician's force," and
allows a performer to offer his audience a choice
without really giving them a choice. Had the king
chosen Gleep, I would have simply proceeded to
work on "the creature he had doomed with a word."

Slowly, I pointed a finger at Gleep and lowered my
head slightly.

"Walla walla Washington!" I said somberly.

I don't know what the words meant, but Aahz
assured me they had historic precedence and would
convince people I was actually doing something com-
plex.

"A lla kazam shazam," I continued, raising my
other arm. "Bibbity bobbity ..."

I mentally removed Gleep's disguise.

The crowd reacted with a gasp, drowning out my
final "goo-gleep."

My dragon heard his name, though, and reacted
immediately. His head came up and he lumbered for-
ward to stand docilely at my side. As planned, Aahz
immediately shambled forward to a position near
Gleep's head and stood watchful and ready.

This was meant to imply that we were prepared to
handle any difficulty which might arise with the
dragon. The crowd's reaction to him, however, over-
shadowed their horror at seeing a unicorn trans-
formed to a dragon. I had forgotten how effective
the "disreputable character" disguise was. Afraid of
losing the momentum of my performance, I hurried
on.

"This misshapen wretch is my apprentice Aahz," I

announced. "You may wonder if it is within his
power to stop the dragon should the beast grow
angry. I tell you now ... it is not!"

The crowd edged back nervously. From the corner
of my eye, I saw the general's hand slide to the han-
dle of his axe.

"But it is within my power! Now you know that
the forces of darkness are no strangers to Skeeve!"

I spun and stabbed a finger at Aahz.

"Bobbelty gook, crumbs and martyrs!"

I removed Aahz's disguise.

There was a moment of stunned silence, then Aahz
smiled. Aahz's smile has been known to make strong
men weak, and there were not many strong men in
the crowd.

The audience half trampled each other in their
haste to backpedal from the demon, and the sound of
screeches was intermixed with hastily chanted protec-
tion spells.

I turned to the throne once more. The king and the
chancellor seemed to be taking it well. They were
composed, though a bit pale. The general was scowl-
ing thoughtfully at Aahz.

"As a demon, my apprentice can suppress the
dragon if need be ... nay, ten dragons. Such is my
power. Yet power must be tempered with gentleness
... gentility if you will."

I allowed my expression to grow thoughtful.

"To confuse one's enemies and receive one's allies,
you need no open show of power or menace. For oc-
casions such as those, one's powers can be masked
until one is no more conspicuous than . . . than a
stripling."

As I spoke the final words, I stripped away my
own disguise and stood in my youthful unsplendor. I

46 Robert Asprin

probably should have used some fake magik words,
but I had already used up all the ones Aahz had
taught me and was afraid of experimenting with new
ones.

The king and the chancellor were staring at me in-
tently as if trying to penetrate my magical disguise
with willpower alone. The general was performing a
similar exercise staring at Aahz, who folded his arms
and bared his teeth in a confident smile.

For a change, I shared his confidence. Let them
stare. It was too late to penetrate my magik because I
wasn't working any more. Though the royal troupe
and the entire audience was convinced they were wit-
nessing a powerful spell, in actuality all I had done
was remove the spells which had been distorting their
vision. At the moment, all of us, Aahz, Buttercup,
deep, and myself, were our normal selves, however
abnormal we appeared. Even the most adept magical
vision could not penetrate a nonexistent spell.

"As you see. Your Majesty," I concluded. "My
powers are far from ordinary. They can make the
gentle fearsome, or the mighty harmless. They can
destroy your enemies or amuse your court, de-
pending upon your whim. Say the word, speak your
approval, and the powers of Skeeve are yours to
command."

I drew myself up and bowed my head respectfully,
and remained in that position awaiting judgment
from the throne.

Several moments passed without a word. Finally, I
risked a peek at the pavilion.

The chancellor and the general were exchanging
heated whispers over the head of the king, who in-
clined his head this way and that as he listened.
Realizing this could take a while, I quietly eased my

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        47

head to an upright position as I waited.

"Skeeve!" the king called suddenly, interrupting
his advisor's arguments. "That thing you did with
the pike. Can you always control weapons so
easily?"

"Child's play. Your Majesty," I said modestly. "I
hesitate to even acknowledge it as a power."

The king nodded and spoke briefly to his advisors
in undertones. When he had finished, the general
flushed and, turning on his heel, strode off into the
palace. The chancellor looked smug.

I risked a glance at Aahz, who winked at me. Even
though he was further away, apparently his acute
hearing had given him advance notice of the king's
decision.

"Let all here assembled bear witness!" the chan-
cellor's ringing voice announced. "Rodrick the Fifth,
King of Possiltum, does hereby commend the magi-
cal skill and knowledge of one Skeeve and does for-
mally name him Magician to the Court of Possiltum.
Let all applaud the appointment of this master magi-
cian ... and then disperse!"

There was a smattering of halfhearted applause
from my vanquished rivals, and more than a few
glares. I acknowledged neither as I tried to compre-
hend the chancellor's words.

I did it! Court Magician! Of the entire selection of
magicians from five kingdoms, I had been chosen!
Me! Skeeve!

I was suddenly aware of the chancellor beckoning
me forward. Trying to be nonchalant, I approached
the throne.

"Lord Magician," the chancellor said with a
smile. "If you will, might we discuss the matter of
your wages?"

48 Robert Asprin

"My apprentice handles such matters," I informed
him loftily. "I prefer not to distract myself with such
mundane matters."

Again, we had agreed that Aahz would handle the
wage negotiations, his knowledge of magik being sur-
passed only by his skill at haggling. I turned and
beckoned to him. He responded by hurrying for-
ward, his eavesdropping having forewarned him of
the situation.

"That can wait, Grimble," the king interrupted.
"There are more pressing matters which command
our magician's attention."

"You need only command, Your Majesty," I said,
bowing grandly.

"Fine," the king beamed. "Then report to
General Badaxe immediately for your briefing."

"Briefing about what?" I asked, genuinely
puzzled.

"Why, your briefing about the invading army, of
course," the king replied.

An alarm gong went off in the back of my mind.

"Invading army?" I blurted, forgetting my re-
hearsed pompous tones. "What invading army?"

"The one which even now approaches our
borders," the chancellor supplied. "Why else would
we suddenly need a magician?"

Chapter Seven:

"Numerical superiority is of no conse-
quence. In battle, victory will go to the
best tactician."

—G. A. CUSTER

"CUSHY job, he said! Chance to practice, he said!
Piece of cake, he said!''

"Simmer down, kid!" Aahz growled.

"Simmer down? Aahz, weren't you listening? I'm
supposed to stop an army! Me!"

"It could be worse," Aahz insisted.

"How? "I asked bluntly.

"You could be doing it without me," he replied.
"Think about it."

I did, and cooled down immediately. Even though
my association with Aahz seemed to land me in an in-
ordinate amount of trouble, he had also been unfail-
ing in his ability to get me out ... so far. The last
thing I wanted to do was drive him away just when I
needed him the most.

"What am I going to do, Aahz?" I moaned.

"Since you ask"—Aahz smiled—"my advice
would be to not panic until we get the whole story.

49

50           Robert Asprin

Remember, there are armies and there are armies.
For all we know, this one might be weak enough for
us to beat fair and square."

"And if it isn't?" I asked skeptically.

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it,"
Aahz sighed. "First, let's hear what old Badaxe has
to say."

Not being able to think of anything to say in reply
to that, I didn't. Instead, I kept pace with my mentor
in gloomy silence as we followed the chancellor's
directions through the corridors of the palace.

It would have been easier to accept the offered
guide to lead us to our destination, but I had been
more than a little eager to speak with Aahz privately.
Consequently, we had left Buttercup and Gleep in the
courtyard with our equipment and were seeking out
the general's chambers on our own.

The palace was honeycombed with corridors to the
point where I wondered if there weren't more corri-
dors than rooms. Our trek was made even more diffi-
cult by the light, or lack thereof. Though there were
numerous mountings for torches set in the walls, it
seemed only about one out of every four was being
used, and the light shed by those torches was less
than adequate for accurate navigation of the laby-
rinth.

I commented on this to Aahz as further proof of
the tightfisted nature of the kingdom. His curt re-
sponse was that the more money they saved on over-
head and maintenance, the more they would have to
splurge on luxuries ... like us.

He was doggedly trying to explain the concept of
an "energy crisis" to me, when we rounded a corner
and sighted the general's quarters.

They were fairly easy to distinguish, since this was

MYTH CONCEPTIONS         51

the only door we had encountered which was brack-
eted by a pair of matching honor guards. Their pol-
ished armor gleamed from broad shoulders as they
observed our approach through narrowed eyes.

"Are these the quarters of General Badaxe?" I in-
quired politely.

"Are you the magician called Skeeve?" the guard
challenged back.

"The kid asked you a question, soldier!" Aahz in-
terceded. "Now are you going to answer or are you
so dumb you don't know what's on the other side of
the door you're guarding?"

The guard flushed bright red, and I noticed his
partner's knuckles whitening on the pike he was grip-
ping. It occurred to me that now that I had landed
the magician's job, it might not be the wisest course
to continue antagonizing the military.

"Um, Aahz ..." I murmured.

"Yes! These are the quarters of General Badaxe
... sir!" the guard barked suddenly.

Apparently the mention of my colleague's name
had confirmed my identity, though I wondered how
many strangers could be wandering the halls accom-
panied by large scaly demons. The final, painful,
"sir" was a tribute to my performance in the court-
yard. Apparently the guards had been instructed to
be polite, at least to me, no matter how much it hurt
.. . which it obviously did.

"Thank you, guard," I said loftily, and hammered
on the door with my fist.

"Further," the guard observed, "the general left
word that you were to go right in."

The fact that he had withheld that bit of informa-
tion until after I had knocked indicated that the
guards hadn't completely abandoned their low

52

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        53

Robert Asprin

regard for magicians. They were simply finding more
subtle ways of being annoying.

I realized Aahz was getting ready to start a new
round with the guard, so I hastily opened the door
and entered, forcing him to follow.

The general was standing at the window, silhouet-
ted by the light streaming in from outside. As we
entered, he turned to face us.

"Ah! Come in, gentlemen," he boomed in a mel-
low tone. "I've been expecting you. Do make your-
selves comfortable. Help yourselves to the wine if

you wish."

I found his sudden display of friendliness even
more disquieting than his earlier show of hostility.
Aahz, however, took it all in stride, immediately tak-
ing up the indicated jug of wine. For a moment I
thought he was going to pour a bit of it into one of
the goblets which shared the tray with the jug and
pass it to me. Instead, he took a deep drink directly
from the jug and kept it, licking his lips in apprecia-
tion. In the midst of the chaos my life had suddenly
become, it was nice to know some things remained

constant.
The general frowned at the display for a moment,

then forced his features back into the jovial expres-
sion he had first greeted us with.

"Before we begin the briefing," he smiled, "I
must apologize for my rude behavior during the in-
terview. Grimble and I have . . . differed in our opin-
ions on the existing situation, and I'm afraid I took it
out on you. For that I extend my regrets. Ordinarily,
I would have nothing against magicians as a group,

or you specifically."

"Whoa! Back up a minute. General," Aahz inter-

rupted. "How does your feud with the chancellor in-
volve us?"

The general's eyes glittered with a fierceness that
belied the gentility of his oration.

/'It's an extension of our old argument concerning
allocation of funds," he said. "When news reached
us of the approaching force, my advice to the king
was to immediately strengthen our own army that we
might adequately perform our sworn duty of defend-
ing the realm."

"Sounds like good advice to me," I interjected,
hoping to improve my status with the general by
agreeing with him.

Badaxe responded by fixing me with a hard glare.

"Strange that you should say that, magician," he
observed stonily. "Grimble's advice was to invest the
money elsewhere than in the army, specifically in a
magician."

It suddenly became clear why we had been received
by the guards and the general with something less
than open-armed camaraderie. Not only were they
getting us instead of reinforcements, our presence
was a slap at their abilities.

"Okay, General," Aahz acknowledged. "All
that's water under the drawbridge. What are we up
against?"

The general glanced back and forth between me
and Aahz, apparently surprised that I was allowing
my apprentice to take the lead in the briefing. When I
failed to rebuke Aahz for his forwardness, the
general shrugged and moved to a piece of parchment
hanging on the wall.

"I believe the situation is shown clearly by this—"
he began.

T

54 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 55

"What's that?" Aahz interrupted.

The general started to respond sharply, then
caught himself. "This," he said evenly, "is a map of
the kingdom you are supposed to defend. It's called
Possiltum."

"Yes, of course," I nodded. "Continue."

"This line here to the north of our border repre-
sents the advancing army you are to deal with."

"Too bad you couldn't get it to scale," Aahz com-
mented. "The way you have it there, the enemy's
front is longer than your border.''

The general bared his teeth.

"The drawing is to scale," he said pointedly.
"Perhaps now you will realize the magnitude of the
task before you."

My mind balked at accepting his statement.

"Really, General," I chided. "Surely you're
overstating the case. There aren't enough fighting
men in any kingdom to form a front that long."

"Magician," the general's voice was menacing, "I
did not reach my current rank by overstating military
situations. The army you are facing is one of the
mightiest forces the world has ever seen. It is the
striking arm of a rapidly growing empire situated far
to the north. They have been advancing for three
years now, absorbing smaller kingdoms and crushing
any resistance offered. All able-bodied men of con-
quered lands are conscripted for military service,
swelling their ranks to the size you see indicated on
the map. The only reason they are not advancing
faster is that in addition to limitless numbers of men,
they possess massive war machines which, though ef-
fective, are slow to transport."

"Now tell us the bad news," Aahz commented
dryly.

The general took him seriously.

"The bad news," he growled, "is that their leader
is a strategist without peer. He rose to power trounc-
ing forces triple the size of his own numbers, and
now that he has a massive army at his command, he
is virtually unbeatable."

"I'm beginning to see why the king put his money
into a magician," my mentor observed. "It doesn't
look like you could have assembled a force large
enough to stop them."

"That wasn't my plan!" the general bristled.
"While we may not have been able to crush the
enemy, we could have made them pay dearly enough
for crossing our border that they might have turned
aside for weaker lands easier to conquer."

"You know, Badaxe," Aahz said thoughtfully,
"that's not a bad plan. Working together we might
still pull it off. How many men can you give us for
support?"

"None," the general said firmly.

I blinked.

"Excuse me. General," I pressed. "For a moment
there, I thought you said—"

"None," he repeated. "I will not assign a single
soldier of mine to support your campaign."

"That's insane!" Aahz exploded. "How do you
expect us to stop an army like that with just magik?"

"I don't," the general smiled.

"But if we fail," I pointed out, "Possiltum falls."

"That is correct," Badaxe replied calmly.

"But—"

"Allow me to clarify my position," he interrupted.
"In my estimation, there is more at stake here than
one kingdom. If you succeed in your mission, it will
establish that magik is more effective than military

56 Robert Asprin

force in defending a kingdom. Eventually, that could
lead to all armies being disbanded in preference to
hiring magicians. I will have no part in establishing a
precedent such as that. If you want to show that
magicians are superior to armies, you will have to do
it with magik alone. The military will not lift a finger
to assist you."

As he spoke, he took the jug of wine from Aahz's
unresisting fingers, a sign in itself that Aahz was as
stunned by the general's words as I was.

"My feelings on this subject are very strong,
gentlemen," Badaxe continued, pouring himself
some wine. "So strong, in fact, I am willing to sacri-
fice myself and my kingdom to prove the point.
What is more, I would strongly suggest that you do
the same."

He paused, regarding us with those glitteringeyes.

"Because I tell you here and now, should you
emerge victorious from the impending battle, you
will not live to collect your reward. The king may rule
the court, but word of what happens in the kingdom
comes to him through my soldiers, and those soldiers
will be posted along your return path to the palace,
with orders to bring back word of your accidental
demise, even if they have to arrange it. Do I make
myself clear?"

Chapter Eight:

"Anything worth doing, is worth doing
for a profit."

—TERESIAS

WITH a massive effort of self-control, I contained
myself not only after we had left the general's
quarters, but until we were out of earshot of the
honor guard. When I finally spoke, I managed to
keep the telltale note of hysteria out of my voice
which would have betrayed my true feelings.

"Like you said, Aahz," I commented casually,
"there are armies and there are armies. Right?"

Aahz wasn't fooled for a minute.

"Hysterics won't get us anywhere, kid," he ob-
served. "What we need is sound thinking."

"Excuse me," I said pointedly, "but isn't 'sound
thinking' what got us into the mess in the first
place?"

"Okay, okay!" Aahz grimaced. "I'll admit I made
a few oversights when I originally appraised the
situation."

57

58 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 59

"A few oversights?" I echoed incredulously.
"Aahz, this 'cushy job' you set me up for doesn't
bear even the vaguest resemblance to what you de-
scribed when you sold me on the idea."

"I know, kid," Aahz sighed. "I definitely owe you
an apology. This sounds like it's actually going to be
work."

"Work!" I shrieked, losing control slightly. "It's
going to be suicide."

Aahz shook his head sadly.

"There you go overreacting again. It doesn't have
to be suicide. We've got a choice, you know."

"Sure," I retorted sarcastically. "We can get
killed by the invaders or we can get killed by Bad-
axe's boys. How silly of me not to have realized it.
For a moment there I was getting worried."

"Our choice," Aahz corrected sternly, "is to go
through with this lame-brained mission, or to take
the money and run."

A ray of hope broke through the dismal gloom that
had burdened my mind.

"Aahz," I said in genuine awe, "you're a genius.
C'mon, let's get going."

"Get going where?" Aahz asked.

"Back to the inn, of course," I replied. "The
sooner the better."

"That wasn't one of our options," my mentor
sneered.

"But you said—"

"I said 'take the money and run' not just 'run,' "
he corrected. "We aren't going anywhere until we've
seenGrimble."

" But Aahz—"

" 'But Aahz' nothing," he interrupted fiercely.
"This little jaunt has cost us a bundle. We're going to

at least make it break even, if not show a small pro-
fit."

"It hasn't cost us anything," I said bluntly.

"It cost us travel time and time away from your
studies," Aahz countered. "That's worth some-
thing."

"But—"

"Besides," he continued loftily, "there are more
important issues at stake here."

"Like what?" I pressed.

"Well... like, urn ..."

"There you are, gentlemen!"

We turned to find Grimble approaching us rapidly
from behind.

"I was hoping to catch you after the briefing," the
chancellor continued, joining us. "Do you mind if I
watch with you? I know you'll be eager to start off
on your campaign, but there are certain matters we
must discuss before you leave."

"Like our wages," Aahz supplied firmly.

Grimble's smile froze.

"Oh! Yes, of course. First, however, there are
other things to deal with. I trust the general supplied
you with the necessary information for your mis-
sion."

"Down to the last gruesome detail," I confirmed.

"Good, good," the chancellor chortled, his enthu-
siasm undimmed by my sarcasm. "I have every con-
fidence you'll be able to deal with the riffraff from
the North. I'll have you know you were my personal
choice even before the interviews. In fact, I was the
one responsible for sending you the invitation in the
first place."

"We'll remember that," Aahz smiled, his eyes nar-
rowing dangerously.

60 Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

61

A thought occurred to me.

"Say . . . um, Lord Chancellor," I said casually,
"how did you happen to hear of us in the first
place?"

"Why do you ask?" Grimble countered.

"No special reason," I assured him. "But as the
interview proved so fruitful, I would like to send a
token of my gratitude to that person who spoke so
highly of me to you."

It was a pretty flimsy story, but the chancellor
seemed to accept it.

"Well . . . um, actually it was a wench," he ad-
mitted. "Rather comely, but I don't recall her name
just offhand. She may have dyed her hair since you
met her. It was green at the time we ... er ... met.
Do you know her?''

Indeed I did. There was only one woman who
knew of Aahz and me, much less our whereabouts.
Then again, there was only one woman I knew who
fit the description of being voluptuous with green
hair. Tanda!

I opened my mouth to acknowledge my recogni-
tion, when Aahz dug a warning elbow into my rib.

"Glah!" I said intelligently.

"How's that again?" Grimble inquired.

"I... um, I can't place the person, just offhand,"
I lied. "But you know how absentminded we magi-
cians are."

"Of course," the chancellor smiled, for some
reason relieved.

"Now that that's settled," Aahz interrupted, "I
believe you mentioned something about our wages."

Grimble scowled for a moment, then broke into a
good-natured grin.

"I can see why Master Skeeve leaves his business
dealings to you, Aahz," he conceded.

"Flattery's nice," Aahz observed, "but you can't
spend it. The subject was our wages."

"You must realize we are a humble kingdom,"
Grimble sighed, "though we try to reward our re-
tainers as best we can. There have been quarters set
aside for the court magician which should be
spacious enough to accommodate both of you. Your
meals will be provided . . . that is, of course, assum-
ing you are on time when they are served. Also, there
is a possibility . . . no, I'd go so far as to say it is a
certainty that His Majesty's generosity will be ex-
tended to include free stable space and food for your
unicorns. How does that sound?"

"So far, pretty cheap," Aahz observed bluntly.

"What do you mean, 'cheap?' " the chancellor
snarled, losing his composure for a moment.

"What you've offered so far," Aahz sneered, "is a
room we won't be sleeping in, meals we won't be
eating, and stable space we won't be using because
we'll be in the field fighting your war for you. In ex-
change, you want Skeeve here to use his skills to save
your kingdom. By my calculations, that's cheap!"

"Yes, I see your point," Grimble conceded.
"Well, there will, of course, be a small wage paid."

" How small? " Aahz pressed.

"Sufficient to cover your expenses," the chancel-
lor smiled. "Shall we say fifty gold pieces a month?"

"Let's say two hundred," Aahz smiled back.

"Perhaps we could go as high as seventy-five,"
Grimble countered.

"And we'll come down to two-twenty-five," Aahz
offered.

62

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        63

Robert Asprin

"Considering his skills, we could pay . . . excuse
me," the chancellor blinked. "Did you say two-
twenty-five?"

"Actually," Aahz conceded, "I misspoke."

"I thought so." Grimble smiled.

"I meant two-fifty."

"Now see here—" the chancellor began.

"Look, Grimble," Aahz met him halfway, "you
had three choices. You could double the size of your
army, hire a magician, or lose the kingdom. Even at
three hundred a month, Skeeve here is your best deal.
Don't look at what you're spending, look at what
you're saving."

Grimble thought about it for a few moments.

"Very well," he said, grimacing. "Two-fifty it is."

"I believe the figure under discussion was three
hundred," I observed pointedly.

That earned me a black look, but I stood my
ground and returned his stare levelly.

"Three hundred," he said, forcing the words out
through gritted teeth.

"Payable in advance," Aahz added.

"Payable at the end of the pay period," Grimble
corrected.

"C'mon, Grimble," Aahz began, but the
chancellor interrupted him, holding up his hand.

"No! On that point I must remain inflexible," he
insisted. "Everyone in the Royal Retinue is paid at
the same time, when the vaults are opened at the end
of the pay period. If we break that rule and start
allowing exceptions, there will be no end to it."

"Can you at least give us a partial advance?" Aahz
pressed. "Something to cover expenses on the up-
coming campaign?"

"Definitely not!" Grimble retorted. "If I paid out

monies for services not yet rendered, certain people,
specifically Hugh Badaxe, would suspect you in-
tended to take the money and flee without entering
battle at all!"

That hit uncomfortably close to home, and I found
myself averting my eyes for fear of betraying my
guilt. Aahz, however, never even blinked.

"What about bribes?" he asked.

Grimble scowled.

"It is unthinkable that one of the king's retainers
would accept a bribe, much less count on it as part of
his income. Any attempt to bribe you should be
reported immediately to His Majesty!"

"Not taking bribes, Grimble," Aahz snarled.
"Giving them. When we give money out to the
enemy, does that come out of our wages, or does the
kingdom pay for it? "

"I seriously doubt you could buy off the army fac-
ing you," the chancellor observed skeptically. "Be-
sides, you're supposed to carry the day with magik.
That's what we're paying you for."

"Even magik is aided by accurate information,"
Aahz replied pointedly. "C'mon Grimble, you know
court intrigue. A little advance warning can go a long
way in any battle."

"True enough," the chancellor admitted. "Very
well, I guess we can give you an allowance for bribes,
assuming it will be kept within reason."

"How much in reason?" Aahz inquired.

"Say ... five gold pieces."

"Twenty-five would—"

"Five!" Grimble said firmly.

Aahz studied his adversary for a moment, then
sighed.

"Five," he said, extending his palm.

64 Robert Asprin

The chancellor grudgingly dug into his purse and
counted out five gold pieces. In fact, he counted
them twice before passing them to Aahz.

"You realize, of course," he warned, "I will re-
quire an accounting of those funds after your vic-
tory."

"Of course," Aahz smiled, fondling the coins.

"You seem very confident of our victory. Lord
Chancellor," I observed.

Grimble regarded me with cocked eyebrow for a
moment.

"Of course I am confident. Lord Magician," he
said at last. "So confident, I have staked my king-
dom, and more importantly, my reputation, on your
success. You will note I rate my reputation above the
kingdom. That is no accident. Kingdoms rise and
fall, but a chancellor can always find employment.
That is, of course, providing it was not his advice
which brought the kingdom to ruin. Should you fail
in your campaign to save Possiltum, my career is fin-
ished. If that should happen, gentlemen, your careers
fall with mine."

"That has the sound of a threat to it, Grimble,"
Aahz observed dryly.

"Does it?" the chancellor responded with mock
innocence. "That was not my intent. I am not threat-
ening, I am stating a fact. I maintain very close con-
tact with the chancellors of all of the surrounding
kingdoms; in fact I am related to several. They are all
aware of my position in this magik versus the military
issue. Should I prove wrong in my judgment, should
you fail in your defense of Possiltum, they will note
it. Thereafter, any magician—and you specifically,
Skeeve—will be denounced as a fraud and a char-
latan should you seek further employment. In fact,

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        65

as the chancellors frequently control the courts, I
would not be surprised if they found an excuse or a
trumped-up charge which would allow them to have
you put to death as a favor to me. The method of
death varies from kingdom to kingdom, but the end
result is the same. I trust you will keep that in mind as
you plan your campaign."

With that, he turned on his heel and strode away,
leaving us standing in silence.

"Well, Aahz," I said finally, "do you have any
sound advice on our situation now?"

"Of course," he retorted.

"What?" I asked.

"Now that we've got the whole story," he said
solemnly, "now you can panic."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        67

Chapter Nine:

"There is more at stake here than our
hues."

—COL. TRAVIS
Alamo Pep Talk

ON the third night after leaving Possiltum's capital,
we camped on a small knoll overlooking the
kingdom's main north-south trail.

Actually, I use the phase "north-south" rather
loosely in this instance. In three days' travel, our
progress was the only northward movement we had
observed on this particular strip of beaten dirt. The
dearth of northbound traffic was emphasized by the
high volume of people bound in the opposite di-
rection.

As we traveled we were constantly encountering
small groups and families picking their way steadily
toward the capital in that unhurried yet ground-
eating pace that typifies people accustomed to travel-
ing without means of transport other than their feet.
They did not seem particularly frightened or panicky,
but two common characteristics marked them all as
being more than casual travelers.

66

First, the great amount of personal effects they
carried was far in excess of that required for a simple
pilgrimage. Whether bound in cumbersome back-
packs or heaped in small, hand-pushed carts, it was
obvious the southbound travelers were bringing with
them as much of their worldly possessions as they
could carry or drag.

Second, no one paid us any heed other than a pass-
ing glance. This was even more noteworthy than the
prior observation.

Currently, our party consisted of three: myself,
Aahz, and Gleep. We had left Buttercup at the
palace, much to Aahz's disgust. He would have pre-
ferred to leave Gleep and bring Buttercup, but the
royal orders had been firm on this point. The dragon
was not to remain at the palace unless one or both of
us also stayed behind to handle him. As a result, we
traveled as a trio—a youth, a dragon, and a grum-
bling demon—not exactly a common sight in these or
any other parts. The peasants flowing south, how-
ever, barely noticed us other than to give us clear
road space when we passed.

Aahz maintained that this was because whatever
they were running from inspired such fear that they
barely noted anything or anybody in their path. He
further surmised that the motivating force for this
exodus could only be the very army we were on our
way to oppose.

To prove his point, we attempted to question
several of the groups when we encountered them. We
stopped doing this after the first day due to the
similarities of the replies we received. Sample:

Aahz: Hold, stranger! Where are you going?
Answer: To the capital!

68           Robert Asprin

Aahz: Why?

Answer: To be as near as possible to the king
when he makes his defense against the in-
vaders from the North. He'll have to try to
save himself even if he won't defend the out-
lands.

Aahz: Citizen you need flee no more. You have
underestimated your king's concern for your
safety. You see before you the new court ma-
gician, retained by His Majesty specifically
for the purpose of defending Possiltum from
the invading army. What say you to that?

Answer: One magician?

Aahz: With my own able assistance, of course.

Answer: I'd say you were crazy.

Aahz: Now look-
Answer: No, you look, whoever or whatever you
are. Meaning no disrespect to this or any other
magician, you're fools to oppose that army.
Magik may be well and good against an ordi-
nary force, but you aren't going to stop that
army with one magician ... or twenty magi-
cians for that matter.

Aahz: We have every confidence—

Answer: Fine, then you go north. Me, I'm
heading for the capital!

Though this exchange had eventually quelled our
efforts to reassure the populace, it had given rise to
an argument which was still unresolved as we pre-
pared to sleep on the third night.

"What happened to your plan to take the money
and run?" I grumbled.

"Big deal," Aahz shot back. "Five whole gold

pieces."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        69

"You said you wanted a profit," I pressed.
"Okay! We've got one. So it's small . . . but so was
the effort we put into it. Considering we didn't spend
anything—"

"What about the unicorn?" Aahz countered.
"While they're still holding the unicorn, we've lost
money on the deal."

"Aahz," I reminded him. "Buttercup didn't cost
us anything, remember? He was a gift from Quig-
ley."

"It would cost money to replace him," Aahz in-
sisted. "That means that we lost money on the deal
unless we get him back. I've told you, I want a profit
... and definitely refuse to accept a loss."

"Gleep?"

Aahz's heated words had awakened my dragon,
who raised his head in sleepy inquiry.

"Go back to sleep, Gleep!" I said soothingly.
"Everything's all right."

Reassured, he rolled onto his back and laid back
his head.

Ridiculous as he looked, lying there with his four
legs sticking up in the air, he had reminded me of
something.

I pondered the memory for a moment, then de-
cided to change my tactics.

"Aahz," I said thoughtfully, "what's the real
reason for your wanting to go through with this?"

"Weren't you listening, kid? I said—"

"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You said it was
for the profit. The only thing wrong with that is you
tried to leave Gleep behind, who cost us money, in-
stead of Buttercup, who didn't cost us anything!
That doesn't ring true if you're trying to show a
profit with the least possible effort."

70 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 71

"Um, you know how I feel about that stupid
dragon—" Aahz began.

"And you know how I feel about him," I inter-
rupted, "As such, you also know I'd never abandon
him to save my own skin, much less for money. For
some reason, you wanted to be sure I'd see this thing
through . . . and that reason has nothing at all to do
with money. Now, what is it?"

It was Aahz's turn to lapse into thoughtful silence.

"You're getting better at figuring things out, kid,"
he said finally.

Normally, I would have been happy to accept the
compliment. This time, however, I saw it as what it
was: an attempt to distract me.

"The reason, Aahz," I said firmly.

"There are several reasons, kid," he said with
uncharacteristic solemnity. "The main one is that
you' re not a master magician yet."

"If you don't mind my saying so," I commented
dryly, "that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If I'm
short on ability, why are you so eager to shove me
into this mission?"

"Hear me out, kid," Aahz said, raising a restrain-
ing hand. "I made a mistake, and that mistake has
dumped us into a situation that needs a master magi-
cian. More than a master magician's abilities, we
need a master magician's conscience. Do you follow
me?"

"No, "I admitted.

"Not surprising," Aahz sighed. "That's why I
tried to trick you into completing this mission instead
of explaining it. So far, all your training has been on
physical abilities without developing your profes-
sional conscience."

"You've taught me to keep one eye on the

profits," I pointed out defensively.

"That's not what I mean, kid. Look, for a minute
forget about profits."

"Are you feeling okay, Aahz?" I asked with gen-
uine concern. "You don't sound like yourself at all."

"Will you get off my back, kid," he snarled. "I'm
trying to explain something important!"

I sank into a cowed silence. Still I was reassured.
Aahz was definitely Aahz.

"When you were apprenticed to Garkin," Aahz
began, "and even when you first met me, you didn't
want to be a magician. You wanted to be a thief. To
focus your energies behind your lessons, I had to
stress how much benefit you could reap from learn-
ing magik."

He paused. I didn't say anything. There was
nothing to say. He was right, both in his recollections
and his interpretation of them.

"Well," he sighed, "there's another side to magik.
There's a responsibility ... a responsibility to your
fellow practitioners, and, more importantly, to
magik itself. Even though we have rivals and will
probably acquire more if we live that long, and even
though we may fight with them or beat them out for
a job, we are all bound by a common cause. Every
magician has a duty to promote magik, to see that its
use is respected and reputable. The greater the magi-
cian, the greater his sense of duty."

"What's that got to do with our current situa-
tion?" I prompted.

"There's an issue at stake here, kid," he answered
carefully. "You heard it from Badaxe and Grimble
both. More importantly, you heard it from the popu-
lace when we talked to the peasants. Rodrick is
gambling his entire kingdom on the ability of magik

72

Robert Asprin

to do a job. Now, no one but a magician can tell how
reasonable or unreasonable a task that might be. If
we fail, all the laymen will see is that magik failed,
and they'll never trust it again. That's why we can't
walk away from this mission. We're here represent-
ing magik ... and we've got to give it our best shot."
I thought about that for a few moments.

"But what can we do against a whole army?" I

asked finally.

"To be honest with you," Aahz sighed, "I really
don't know. I'm hoping we can come up with an idea
after we've seen exactly what it is we're up against."

We sat silently together for a long time after that,
each lost in his own thoughts of the mission and what
was at stake.

Chapter Ten:

"One need not fear superior numbers if
the opposing force has been properly
scouted and appraised."

—S.BULL

MY last vestige of hope was squashed when we finally
sighted the army. Reports of its massive size had not
been overstated; if anything, they had failed to ex-
press the full impact of the force's might.

Our scouting mission had taken us across Fossil-
turn's northern border and several days' journey into
its neighbor's interior. The name of this kingdom
was inconsequential. If it was not already considered
part of the new eiripire, it would be as soon as the
news spread.

We weren't sure if we had just missed the last
battle, or if the kingdom had simply surrendered.
Whichever the case, there were no defending troops
in evidence, just large encampments of the Empire's
forces spread out in a rough line which disappeared
over the horizon in either direction.

Fortunately, the army was not currently on the
move, which made our scouting considerably easier.

73

74 Robert Asprin

There were sentries posted at regular intervals all
along the front line, but as they were not more than a
given distance from the encampments, we simply
traversed the line without approaching them too
closely, and thus escaped detection.

Periodically, we would creep closer to an encamp-
ment or climb a tree to improve our view. Aahz
seemed very absorbed in his own thoughts, both
when we were actually view'ig the troops and as we
were traveling to new locations. Since I couldn't get
more than an occasional grunt or monosyllable out
of him, I occupied myself making my own observa-
tions.

The soldiers were clothed roughly the same. Stan-
dard equipment seemed to include a leather helmet
and breastplate, a rough knee-length cloth tunic, san-
dals, sword, two javelins, and a large rectangular
shield. Apparently they were not planning to move
immediately, for they had pitched their tents and
spent most of their time sharpening weapons, repair-
ing armor, eating, or simply lolling about. Occa-
sionally, a metal-encrusted soldier, presumably an
officer, would appear and shout at the others, where-
upon they would listlessly form ranks and drill. Their
practice would usually grind to a halt as soon as the
officer passed from view.

There were occasional pieces of siege equipment
designed to throw large rocks or spears long
distances, though we never saw them in operation.
The only pieces of equipment that seemed to be used
with any regularity were the signal towers. Each en-
campment had one of these, a rickety affair of lashed
together poles stretching roughly twenty feet in the
air and surmounted by a small, square platform.
Several times a day, one soldier in each encampment

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        75

would mount one of these structures, and they would
signal to each other with pennants or standards. The
towers also did duty as clotheslines, and were peri-
odically draped with drying tunics.

All in all, it looked like an incredibly boring ex-
istence. In fact, from my appraisal, the only thing
duller than being a soldier of the Empire was spend-
ing days on end watching soldiers of the Empire!

I commented on this to Aahz as we lay belly-down
on a grassy knoll, surveying yet another encamp-
ment.

"You're right, kid," he admitted absently. "Being
a soldier is pretty dull work."

"How about us?" I probed, eager to keep him
talking. "What we're doing isn't exactly exciting,
you know!"

"You want excitement?" he asked, focusing on me
for the first time in days. "Tell you what. Why don't
you just stroll down there and ask the Officer of the
Day for a quick rundown on how their army
operates? I bet that'll liven things up for you."

"I'm not that bored!" I amended hastily.

"Then what say you just keep quiet and let me do
this my way." Aahz smiled and resumed his studies.

"Do what your way?" I persisted. "Exactly what
is it we're trying to accomplish anyway?"

Aahz sighed.

"We're scouting the enemy," he explained pa-
tiently. "We've got enough going against us on this
campaign without rushing in uninformed."

"How much information do we need?" I grum-
bled. "This encampment doesn't look any different
from the last five we looked at."

"That's because you don't know what you're
looking for," Aahz scoffed. "What have you learned

76 Robert Asprin

so far about the opposition?"

I wasn't ready for the question but I gamely rose to
the challenge.

"Urn . . . there are a lot of them . . . they're well
armed ... um ... and they have catapults..."

"That's all?" Aahz sneered. "Brilliant! You and
Badaxe make a great team of tacticians."

"Okay, so teach me!" I shot back. "What have
you learned?"

"You can spend years trying to learn military
theory without scratching the surface," my mentor
replied sternly. "But I'll try to give you the important
parts in a nutshell. To appraise a force, such as we're
doing now, remember two words: 'Sam' and
'Doc.' "

" 'Sam' and 'Doc,' " I repeated dutifully.

"Some folks prefer to remember 'Salute' but I like
'Sam' and 'Doc,' " Aahz added as an aside.

"Terrific," I said, grimacing. "Now tell me what
it means."

"They're to help you remember an information
checklist," Aahz confided. " 'Salute's stands for
Size, Activity, Location, Unit, Time, and Equip-
ment. That's fine as far as it goes, but it assumes no
judgmental ability on the part of the scout. I prefer
'Sam' and 'Doc.' That stands for Strength, Arma-
ment, Movement, and Deployment, Organization,
and Communications."

"Oh," I said, hoping he wasn't expecting me to
remember all this.

"Now, using that framework," Aahz continued,
"let's summarize what we've seen so far. Size: there
are lots of them, enough so it's kind of pointless to
try for an exact count. Movement: currently, they're
just sitting there."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        77

"I got that far all by myself," I pointed out sar-
castically.

"The big key, however," Aahz continued, ignor-
ing me, "is in their Armament and Equipment.
When you look at this, consider both what is there
and what isn't."

"How's that again?" I asked.

"What there is is a lot of foot-schloggers, infantry,
a little artillery in the form of catapults and archers,
but nothing even vaguely resembling cavalry. That
means they're going to go slow when they move, par-
ticularly in battle. We don't have to worry about any
fast, flanking moves; it'll be a toe-to-toe slugfest."

"But, Aahz—" I began.

"As to the Deployment and Organization," he
pushed on undaunted, "they're strung out all over
the place, probably because it's easier to forage for
food that way. Then again, it displays a certain confi-
dence on their part that they don't feel it's necessary
to mass their forces. I think we're looking at their
Organization, a collection of companies or battalions
each under the leadership of two or three officers, all
under the guidance of a super-leader or general."

"Aahz—" I tried again.

"Communications seems to be their most vulner-
able point," Aahz pushed on doggedly. "If an army
this size doesn't coordinate its movements, it's in
big trouble. If they're really using signal towers and
runners to pass messages, we might be able to jinx the
works for them."

"All of which means what?" I interrupted finally.

"Hmm? Oh, that's a capsule summary of what
we're up against," Aahz replied innocently.

"I know. I know," I sighed. "But for days you've
been saying you'll formulate a plan after you've seen

78

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        79

Robert Asprin

what we're up against. Well, you've seen it. What's
the plan? How can we beat 'em?"

"There's no way, kid," Aahz admitted heavily.
"If I had seen one, I would have told you, but I
haven't, and that's why I keep looking."

"Maybe there isn't one," I suggested cautiously.

Aahz sighed.

"I'm starting to think you're right. If so, that
means we'll have to do something I really don't want

to do."

"You mean give up?" I said, genuinely startled.

"After that big speech you gave me about responsi-
bility and—"

"Whoa," Aahz interrupted. "I didn't say any-
thing about giving up. What we're going to do is—"

"Gleep!"

The unmistakable sound came to us from behind,
rolling up the hill from the brush-filled gully where

we'd left my pet.

"Kid," Aahz moaned, "will you keep that stupid
dragon quiet? All we need now is to have him pull the
army down our necks."

"Right, Aahz!" I agreed, worming away back-
ward as fast as I could.

As soon as I was clear of the crest of the hill, I rose
to a low crouch and scuttled down the slope in that
position. Crawling is neither a fast nor comfortable

means of travel for me.

As per our now normal procedure, we had tethered
Gleep to a tree ... a large tree after he had success-
fully uprooted several small ones. Needless to say, he
wasn't wild about the idea, but it was necessary con-
sidering the delicate nature of our current work.

"Gleep!"
I could see him now, eagerly straining at the end of

his rope. Surprisingly, however, for a change he
wasn't trying to get to me. In fact, he was trying his
best to get at a large bush which stood some distance
from his tree ... or at something hidden in the bush!

Cold sweat suddenly popped out on my brow. It
occurred to me that Gleep might have been dis-
covered by one of the enemy army scouts. That
would be bad enough, but even worse was the possi-
bility said scout might still be around.

I hurriedly stepped sideways into the shadow of a
tree and reviewed the situation. I hadn't actually seen
a scout. In fact, there was no movement at all in the
indicated bush. I could sneak back and get Aahz, but
if I were wrong he wouldn't be very happy over being
called to handle a false alarm. I could set Gleep loose
and let him find the intruder, but that would mean
exposing myself.

As I stood debating my next course of action,
someone slipped up behind me and put hands over
my eyes.

"Surprise!" came a soft voice in my ear.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        81

Chapter Eleven:

"Should old acquaintance tie for-
got.... "

—COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO

I JUMPED!

Perhaps I should clarify. When I say "I jumped,"
I mean I really jumped. Over a year ago, Aahz had
taught me to fly, which is actually controlled hover-
ing caused by reverse levitation.

Whatever it was, I did it. I went straight up in the
air about ten feet and stayed there. I didn't know
what had snuck up behind me, and didn't want to
know. I wanted help! I wanted Aahz!

I drew a mighty breath to express this desire.

"Kinda jumpy, aren't you, handsome?"

That penetrated my panic.

Stifling my shout before it truly began, I looked
down on my attacker. From my vantage point, I was
treated to a view of a gorgeous golden-olive complex-
ioned face, accented by almond-shaped cat's eyes,
framed by a magnificent tumble of light green hair. I
could also see a generous expanse of cleavage.

80

"Tanda!" I crowed with delight, forcing my eyes
back to her face.

"Do you mind coming down?" she called. "I can't
come up."

I considered swooping down on her dramatically,
but decided against it. I'm still not all that good at
flying, and the effect would be lost completely if I
crashed into her.

Instead, I settled for lowering myself gently to the
ground a few paces from her.

"Gee, Tanda, I... slack!"

The last was squeezed forcefully from me as she
swept me into a bone-crushing embrace.

"Gee, it's gpod to see you, handsome," she mur-
mured happily. "How have you been?"

"I was fine," I noted, untangling myself briefly.
"What are you doing here?"

The last time I had seen her, Tanda was part of the
ill-fated group Aahz and I had seen off to dimensions
unknown. Of the whole crowd, she had been the only
one I was sorry to see go.

"I'm waiting for you, silly," she teased, slipping
an affectionate arm around my waist. "Where's
Aahz?"

"He's—" I started to point up the hill when a
thought occurred to me. "Say . . . how did you know
I had Aahz with me?"

"Oh! Don't get mad," she scolded, giving me a
playful shake. "It stands to reason. Even Aahz
wouldn't let you face that army alone."

"But how did you—"

"Gleep!"

My dragon had discovered his quarry was no
longer hiding behind the bush. As a result, he was
now straining at the end of his rope trying to reach

82 Robert Asprin

us. The tree he was tethered to was swaying danger-
ously.

"Gleep!" Tanda called in a delighted voice. "How
are ya, fella?"

The tree dipped to new lows as my dragon quivered
with glee at having been recognized. I was quivering a
little myself. Tanda had that affect on males.

Heedless of her own safety, Tanda bounded for-
ward to kneel before the dragon, pulling his whiskers
and scratching his nose affectionately.

Gleep loved it. I loved it, too. In addition to her
usual soft, calf-high boots, Tanda was wearing a
short green tunic which hugged her generous curves
and showed off her legs just swell. What's more,
when she knelt down like that, the hem rode up
until....

"What's wrong with that dragon?" Aahz boomed,
bursting out of the brush behind me.

This time I didn't jump ... much.

"Gee, Aahz," I began. "It's..."

I needn't have bothered trying to explain.

Tanda uncoiled and came past me in a bound.

"Aahz!" she exclaimed, flinging herself into his
arms.

For a change, my mentor was caught as flat-footed
as I had been. For a moment, the tangle of arms
teetered on the brink of collapse, then down it went.

They landed with a resounding thump, Aahz on
the bottom and therefore soaking up most of the im-
pact.

"Still impulsive, aren't you?" Tanda leered.

"Whoosh .. . hah ... ah ..." Aahz responded ur-
banely.

Tanda rolled to her feet and began rearranging her
tunic.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

83

"At least I don't have to ask if you're glad to see

me," she observed.

"Tanda!" Aahz gasped at last.
"You remembered?" Tanda beamed.
"She's been waiting for us, Aahz," I supplied

brightly.

"That's right!" Aahz scowled. "Grimble said you
set us up for this job."

Tanda winced.

"I can explain that," she said apologetically.

"I can hardly wait," Aahz intoned.

"I'm kind of curious about that myself," I added.

"Um . . . this could take a while, guys," she said
thoughtfully. "Got anything around to drink?"

That was easily the most reasonable question asked
so far today. We broke out the wine, and in no time
were sitting around in a small circle quenching our
thirst. Much to Aahz's disgust, I insisted we sit close
enough to Gleep that he not be left out. This meant,
of course, his rather aromatic breath flavored our
discussion, but as I pointed out it was the only way to
keep him quiet while we talked.

"What happened after you left?" I prodded.
"Where are Isstvan and Brockhurst and Higgins?
What happened to Quigley? Did they ever bring
Frumple back to life, or is he still a statue?"

"Later, kid," Aahz interrupted. "First things
first. You were about to explain about Grimble."

"Grimble," Tanda responded, wrinkling her nose.
"Did you ever notice the 'crookeder' a person is, the
more possessive he is? He's the main reason I didn't
wait for you at Possiltum."

"From the beginning," Aahz instructed.
"From the beginning." Tanda pursed her lips
thoughtfully. "Well, I picked him up in a singles bar

84

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

Robert Asprin

85

... he's married, but I didn't know that till later."

"What's a singles bar?" I interrupted.

"Shut up, kid," Aahz snarled.

"Well, it wasn't actually a singles bar," Tanda
corrected. "It was more of a tavern. I should have
known he was married. I mean, nobody that young is
that bald unless he's got a wife at home."

"Skip the philosophy," Aahz moaned. "Just tell
us the story, huh?"

Tanda cocked an eyebrow at him.

"You know, Aahz," she accused, "for someone as
long-winded as you are when it comes to telling
stories, you're awfully impatient when it comes to
listening to someone else."

"She's right, you know," I commented.

"Enough!" Aahz bellowed. "The story!"

"Well, one of the things Grimble mentioned while
he was trying to impress me with how important his
job was, was that he was trying to find a court magi-
cian. He said he had convinced the king to hire one,
but now he couldn't find one and was going to end
up looking like an idiot."

"And when he mentioned idiots," I supplied,
"naturally you thought of us."

"Now, don't be that way," Tanda scolded. "I
thought it was a good way to help out a couple of
friends. I knew you two were hanging out in this neck
of the woods . . . and everybody knows what a cushy
job being a court magician is."

"What did I tell you, kid," Aahz commented.
"We must be talking about different jobs," I

retorted.

"Hey," Tanda interrupted, laying a soft hand on
my arm. "When I gave him your names, I didn't
know about the invading army. Honest!"

My anger melted away at her touch. Right then,
she could have told me she had sold my head as a
centerpiece and I would have forgiven her.

"Well ..." I began, but she persisted, which was
fine by me.

"As soon as I found out what the real story was, I
knew I had gotten you into a tight spot," she said
with soft sincerity. "Like I said, I would have waited
at Possiltum, but I was afraid what with your
disguises and all, that you'd recognize me before I
spotted you. If you gave me the kind of greeting I've
grown to expect, it could have really queered the
deal. Grimble's a jealous twit, and if he thought we
were more than nodding acquaintances, he would
have held back whatever support he might normally
give."

"Big deal," Aahz grumbled. "Five whole gold
pieces."

"That much?" Tanda sounded honestly surprised.
"Which arm did you break?"

"Aahz always gets us the best possible deal," I
said proudly. "At least, monetarily."

"Well," Tanda concluded, "at least I won't dig
into your war funds. When I found out the mess I
had gotten you into, I decided I'd work this one for
free. Since I got you into it, the least I can do is help
get you out."

"That's terrific," I exclaimed.

"It sure is!" Aahz agreed.

Something in his voice annoyed me.

"I meant that she was helping us," I snarled. "Not
that she was doing it for free."

"That's what I meant, too, apprentice," Aahz
glowered back. "But unlike some, I know what I'm
talking about!"

86

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 87

"Boys, boys," Tanda said, separating us with her
hands. "We're on the same side. Remember?"

"Gleep!" said the dragon, siding with Tanda.

As I have said, Gleep's breath is powerful enough
to stop any conversation, and it was several minutes
before the air cleared enough for us to continue.

"Before we were so rudely interrupted," Tanda
gasped at last, "you were starting to say something,

Aahz. Have you got a plan?"

"Now I do," Aahz smiled, chucking her under the
chin. "And believe me, doing it without you would

have been rough."

That had an anxious sound to it. Tanda's main
calling, at least the only one mentionable in polite

company, was Assassin.

"C'mon, Aahz," I chided. "Tanda's good, but
she's not good enough to take on a whole army."

"Don't bet on it, handsome," she corrected, wink-
ing at me.

I blushed but continued with my argument.
"I still say the job's too big for one person, or
three people for that matter," I insisted.
"You're right, kid," Aahz said solemnly.
"We just can't... what did you say, Aahz?"
"I said you were right," Aahz repeated.
"I thought so," I marveled. "I just wanted to hear

it again."

"You'd hear it more often if you were right more

often," Aahz pointed out.

"C'mon, Aahz," Tanda interrupted. "What's the

plan?"

"Like the kid says," Aahz said loftily, "we need

more help. We need an army of our own."

"But Aahz," I reminded him, "Badaxe said—"
"Who said anything about Badaxe?" Aahz replied

innocently. "We're supposed to win this war with
magik, aren't we? Well, fine. With Tanda on our
team, we've got a couple of extra skills to draw on.
Remember?"

I remembered. I remembered Aahz saying he
wasn't worried about Tanda leaving with Isstvan
because she could travel the dimensions by herself if
things got rough. The light began to dawn.

"You mean..."

"That's right, kid," Aahz smiled. "We're going
back to Deva. We're going to recruit a little inva-
sionary force of our own!"

Chapter Twelve:

"This is no game for old men! Send in
the boys!"

—W. HAYS

I DON'T know how Tanda transported us from Klah
to Deva. If I did, we wouldn't have needed her. All I
know is that at the appropriate time she commenced
to chant and shift her shoulders (a fascinating pro-
cess in itself), and we were there.

"There," in this case, was at the Bazaar at Deva.
That phrase alone, however, does not begin to
describe our new surroundings as they came into
focus.

A long time ago, the dimension of Deva had
undergone an economic collapse. To survive, the
Deveels (who I once knew as devils) used their ability
to travel the dimensions and become merchants.
Through the process of natural selection, the most
successful Deveels were not the best fighters, but the
best traders. Now, after countless generations of this
process, the Deveels were acknowledged as the best
merchants in all the dimensions. They were also

88

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        89

acknowledged as being the shrewdest, coldest, most
profit-hungry cheats ever to come down the pike.

The Bazaar at Deva was their showcase. It was an
all-day, all-night, year-round fair where the Deveels
met to haggle with each other over the wares fetched
back from the various dimensions. Though it was
originally established and maintained by Deveels, it
was not unusual to find travelers from many dimen-
sions shopping the endless rows of displays and
booths. The rule of thumb was, "If it's to be found
anywhere, you'll find it at the Bazaar at Deva."

I had been here once before with Aahz. At the
time, we were searching for a surprise weapon to use
against Isstvan. What we ended up with was Gleep
and Tanda!... Distractions abound at the Bazaar.

I mention this in part to explain why, as unusual as
our foursome must have appeared, no one paid us
the slightest attention as we stood watching the
kaleidoscope of activity whirling about us.

Gleep pressed against me for reassurance, momen-
tarily taken aback at the sudden change of surround-
ings. I ignored him. My first visit to this place had
been far too brief for my satisfaction. As such, I was
rubbernecking madly, trying to see as much as possi-
ble as fast as possible.

Tanda was more businesslike.
"Now that we're here, Aahz," she drawled, "do
you know where we're going?"

"No," Aahz admitted. "But I'll find out right
now."

Without further warning, he casually reached out
and grabbed the arm of the nearest passerby, a short,
ugly fellow with tusks. Spinning his chosen victim
around, Aahz bent to scowl in his face.

"You!" he snarled. "Do you like to fight?"

90           Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

91

For a moment my heart stopped. All we needed
now was to get into a brawl.

Fortunately, instead of producing a weapon, the
tusker gave ground a step and eyed our party suspi-
ciously.

"Not with a Pervert backed by a dragon, I don't,"
he retorted cautiously.

"Good!" Aahz smiled. "Then if you wanted to
hire someone to do your fighting for you, where
would you go?"

"To the Bazaar at Deva," the tusker shrugged.

"I know that!" Aahz snarled. "But where at the
Bazaar?"

"Oh," the tusker exclaimed with sudden under-
standing. "About twenty rows in that direction, then
turn right for another thirty or so. That's where the
mercenaries hang out."

"Twenty, then up thirty," Aahz repeated care-
fully. "Thanks."

"A finder's fee would be appreciated more than
any thanks," the tusker smiled, extending a palm.

"You're right!" Aahz agreed, and turned his back
on our benefactor.

The tusker hesitated for a moment, then shrugged
and continued on his way. I could have told him that
Perverts in general and Aahz specifically are not
noted for their generosity. "We go twenty rows that
way, then up thirty," Aahz informed us.

"Yeah, we heard," Tanda grimaced. "Why didn't
you just ask him flat out?"

"My way is quicker," Aahz replied smugly.

"Is it?" I asked skeptically.

"Look kid," Aahz scowled. "Do you want to lead
us through this zoo?"

"Well. .."I hesitated.

"Then shut up and let me do it, okay?"

Actually, I was more than willing to let Aahz lead
the way to wherever it was we were going. For one
thing, it kept him busy navigating a path through the
crowd. For another, it left me with next to nothing to
do except marvel at the sights of the Bazaar as I
followed along in his wake.

Try as I might, though, there was just too much
for one set of eyes to see.

In one booth, two Deveels argued with an ele-
phant-headed being over a skull; at least, I think it
was a skull. In another, a Deveel was putting on a
demonstration for a mixed group of shoppers, sum-
moning clouds of floating green bubbles from a tiny
wooden box.

At one point, our path was all but blocked by a
booth selling rings which shot bolts of lightning.
Between the salesman's demonstrations and the cus-
tomers trying out their purchases, the way was virtu-
ally impassable.

Aahz and Tanda never broke stride, however, con-
fidently maintaining their pace as they walked
through the thick of the bolts. Miraculously, they
passed through unscathed.

Gritting my teeth, I seized one of Gleep's ears and
followed in their footsteps. Again, the bolts of
energy failed to find us. Apparently no Deveel would
bring injury or allow anyone in his shop to bring in-
jury to a potential customer. It was a handy fact to
know.

The lightning rings brought something else to
mind, however. The last time we parted company
with Tanda, Aahz had given her a ring that shot a
heat ray capable of frying a man-sized target on the
spot. That's right ... I said he gave it to her. You

92 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 93

might think this was proof of the depth of his feelings
for her. It's my theory he was sick. Anyway, I was
reminded of the ring and curious as to what had
become of it.

Increasing my pace slightly, I closed the distance
between myself and the pair in the lead, only to find
they were already deeply engrossed in conversation.
The din that prevails at the Bazaar stymies any at-
tempt at serious eavesdropping, but I managed to
catch occasional bits and pieces of the conversation
as we walked.

". . . heard . . . awfully expensive, aren't they?"
Tanda was saying.

"... lick their weight in . . ." Aahz replied
smugly.

I moved in a little closer, trying to hear better.

"... makes you think they've got anyone here?"
Tanda asked.

"With the number of bars here?" Aahz retorted.
"The way I hear it, this is one of their main ..."

I lost the rest of that argument. A knee-high, ten-
tacled mass suddenly scuttled across my boots and
ducked through a tent flap, closely pursued by two
very frustrated-looking Deveels.

I ignored the chase and the following screams,
hurrying to catch up with Aahz and Tanda again.
Apparently they were discussing mercenaries, and I
wanted to hear as much as possible, both to further
my education, and because I might have to lead them
into battle eventually.

". . . find them?" Tanda was asking. "All we have
is a general area."

"... easy," Aahz replied confidently. "Just listen
for the singing."

"Singing?" Tanda was skeptical.

"It's their trademark," Aahz pronounced. "It
also lands them in most of their..."

A Deveel stepped in front of me, proudly display-
ing a handful of seeds. He threw them on the ground
with a flourish, and a dense black thornbush sprang
up to block my path. Terrific. Normally, I would
have been fascinated, but at the moment I was in a
hurry.

Without even pausing to upbraid the Deveel, I
took to the air, desperation giving wings to my feet
. . . desperation assisted by a little levitation. I
cleared the thornbush easily, touched down lightly on
the far side, and was practically trampled by Gleep as
he burst through the barrier.

"Gleep?" he said, cocking his head at me curi-
ously.

I picked myself up from the dust where I had been
knocked by his enthusiasm and cuffed him.

"Watch where you're going next time," I ordered
angrily.

He responded by snaking out his long tongue and
licking my face. His breath was devastating and his
tongue left a trail of slime. Obviously my admonish-
ment had terrified him.

Heaving a deep sigh, I sprinted off after Aahz with
Gleep lumbering along in hot pursuit.

I was just overtaking them when Aahz stopped
suddenly in his tracks and started to turn. Unable to
halt my headlong sprint, I plowed into him, knocking
him sprawling.

"In a hurry, handsome?" Tanda asked, eyeing me
slyly.

"Gee, Aahz," I stammered, bending over him, "I
didn't mean to—"

From a half sitting position, his hand lashed out in

Robert Asprin

94 MYTH CONCEPTIONS 95

a cuff that spun me halfway around.

"Watch where you're going next time," he
growled.

"Gleep!" said the dragon and licked my face.

Either my head was spinning more than I thought,
or I had been through this scene before.

"Now quit clowning around and listen, kid."

Aahz was on his feet again, and all business.

"Here's where we part company for a while. You
wait here while I go haggle with the mercenaries."

"Gee, Aahz," I whined. "Can't I—"

"No, you can't!" he said firmly. "The crew I'm
going after is sharp. All we need is one of your dumb
questions in the middle of negotiations and they'll
triple their prices."

"But—" I began.

"You will wait here," Aahz ordered. "I repeat,
wait. No fights, no window shopping for dragons,
just wait!"

"I'll stay here with him, Aahz," Tanda vol-
unteered.

"Good," Aahz nodded. "And try to keep him out
of trouble, okay?"

With that, he turned and disappeared into the
crowd. Actually, I wasn't too disappointed. I mean, I
would have liked to have gone with him, but I liked
having some time alone with Tanda even more . . .
that is, if you can consider standing in the middle of
the Bazaar at Deva being alone with someone.

"Well, Tanda," I said, flashing my brightest
smile.

"Later, handsome," she replied briskly. "Right
now I've got some errands to run."

"Errands?" I blinked.

"Yeah. Aahz is big on manpower, but I'd just as

soon have a few extra tricks up my sleeve in case the
going gets rough," she explained. "I'm going to
duck over to the special effects section and see what
they have in stock."

"Okay," I agreed, "Let's go."

"No, you don't," she said, shaking her head. "I
think I'd better go this one alone. The kind of places
I have in mind aren't fit for civilized customers. You
and the dragon wait here."

"But you're supposed to be keeping me out of
trouble!" I argued.

"And that's why I'm not taking you along," she
said, smiling. "Now, what do you have along in the
way of weaponry?''

"Well ..." I said hesitantly, "there's a sort of a
sword in one of Gleep's packs."

"Fine!" she said. "Get it out and wear it. It'll keep
the riffraff at a distance. Then ... um ... wait for
me in there!"

She pointed at a strange-looking stone structure
with a peeling sign on its front.

"What is it?" I asked, peering at it suspiciously.

"It's a 'Yellow Crescent Inn,' " she explained.
"It's sort of a restaurant. Get yourself something to
eat. The food's unappetizing, but vaguely digesti-
ble."

I studied the place for a moment.

"Actually," I decided finally, "I think I'd
rather..."

Right about there I discovered I was talking to
myself. Tanda had disappeared without a trace.

For the second time in my life I was alone in the
Bazaar at Deva.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        97

Chapter Thirteen:

"Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce."

—HENRY VIII

FASCINATING as the Bazaar is, facing it alone can be
rather frightening.

Being particularly susceptible to fear, I decided to
follow Tanda's advice and entered the inn.

First, however, I took the precaution of tethering
Gleep to the inn's hitching post and unpacking the
sword. We had one decent sword. Unfortunately,
Aahz was currently wearing it. That left me with Gar-
kin's old sword, a weapon which has been sneered at
by demon and demon-hunter alike. Still, its weight
was reassuring on my hip, though it might have been
more reassuring if I had known anything about how
to handle it. Unfortunately, my lessons with Aahz to
date had not included swordsmanship. I could only
hope it would not be apparent to the casual observer
that this was my first time to wear a sword.

Pausing in the door, I surveyed the inn's interior.
Unaccustomed as I was to gracious dining, I realized

96

in a flash that this wasn't it.

One of the few pieces of advice my farmer father
had given me before I ran away from home was not
to trust any inn or restaurant that appeared overly
clean. He maintained the cleaner a place was, the
more dubious the quality and origin of their food
would be. If he were even vaguely right, this inn must
be the bottom of the barrel. It was not only clean, it
gleamed.

I do not mean that figuratively. Harsh overhead
lights glinted off a haphazard arrangement of tiny
tables and uncomfortable-looking chairs constructed
of shiny metal and a hard white substance I didn't
recognize. At the far end of the inn was a counter
behind which stood a large stone gargoyle, the only
decorative feature in the place. Behind the gargoyle
was a door, presumably leading into the kitchen.
There was a small window in the door through which
I caught glimpses of the food being prepared. Prep-
aration consisted of passing patties of meat over a
stove, cramming them into a split roll, slopping a
variety of colored pastes on top of the meat, and
wrapping the whole mess in a piece of paper.

Watching this process confirmed my earlier fears. I
do all the cooking for Aahz and myself, as I did
before that for Garkin and myself, and before that
just for myself. While I have no delusions as to the
high quality of my cooking, I do know that what they
were doing to that meat could only yield a meal the
consistency and flavor of charred glove leather.

Despite the obvious low quality of the food, the
inn seemed nearly full of customers. I noticed this
out of the corner of my eye. I also noticed that a high
percentage of them were staring at me. It occurred to
me that this was probably because I had been stand-

98 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 99

ing in the door for some time without entering while
working up my courage to go in.

Feeling slightly embarrassed, I stepped inside and
let the door swing shut behind me. With fiendish ac-
curacy, the door closed on my sword, pinning it
momentarily and forcing me to break stride clumsily
as I started forward. So much for my image as a
swordsman.

Humiliated, I avoided looking at the other cus-
tomers and made my way hurriedly to the inn's
counter. I wasn't sure what I was going to do once I
got there, since I didn't trust the food, but hopefully
people would stop staring at me if I went through the
motions of ordering.

Still trying to avoid eye contact with anyone, I
made a big show of studying the gargoyle. There was
a grinding noise, and the statue turned its head to
return my stare. If wasn't a statue! They really had a
gargoyle tending the counter!

The gargoyle seemed to be made of coarse gray
stone, and when he flexed his wings, small pieces of
crushed rock and dust showered silently to the floor.
His hands were taloned, and there were curved spikes
growing out of his elbows. The only redeeming fea-
ture I could see was his smile, which in itself was a bit
unnerving. Dominating his wrinkled face, the smile
seemed permanently etched in place, stretching well
past his ears and displaying a set of pointed teeth
even longer than Aahz's.

"Take your order?" the gargoyle asked politely,
the smile never twitching.

"Urn ..." I said taking a step back. "I'll have to
think about it. There's so much to choose from."

In actuality I couldn't read the menu ... if that's
what it was. There was something etched in the wall

behind the gargoyle in a language I couldn't de-
cipher. I assume it was a menu because the prices
weren't etched in the wall, but written in chalk over
many erasures.

The gargoyle shrugged.

"Suit yourself," he said indifferently. "When you
make up your mind, just holler. The name's Gus."

"I'll do that . . . Gus," I smiled, backing slowly
toward the door.

Though it was my intent to exit quietly and wait
outside with Gleep, things didn't work out that way.
Before I had taken four steps, a hand fell on my
shoulder.

"Skeeve, isn't it?" a voice proclaimed.

I spun around, or started to. I was brought up
short when my sword banged into a table leg. My
head kept moving, however, and I found myself face
to face with an Imp.

"Brockhurst!" I exclaimed, recognizing him im-
mediately.

"I thought I recognized you when you . . . hey!"
The Imp took a step backward and raised his hands
defensively. "Take it easy! I'm not looking for any
trouble."

My hand had gone to my sword hilt in an involun-
tary effort to free .it from the table leg. Apparently
Brockhurst had interpreted the gesture as an effort to
draw my weapon.

That was fine by me. Brockhurst had been one of
Isstvan's lieutenants, and we hadn't parted on the
best of terms. Having him a little afraid of my
"ready sword" was probably a good thing.

"I don't hold any grudges," Brockhurst continued
insistently. "That was just a job! Right now I'm be-
tween jobs . . . permanently!"

100 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 101

That last was added with a note of bitterness which
piqued my curiosity.

"Things haven't been going well?" I asked cau-
tiously.

The Imp grimaced.

"That's an understatement. Come on, sit down.
I'll buy you a milkshake and tell you all about it."

I wasn't certain what a milkshake was, but I was
sure I didn't want one if they were sold here.

"Urn . . . thanks anyway, Brockhurst," I said,
forcing a smile, "but I think I'll pass."

The Imp arched an eyebrow at me.

"Still a little suspicious, eh?" he murmured.
"Well, can't say as I blame you. Tell you what we'll
do."

Before I could stop him, he strolled to the counter.

"Hey, Gus!" he called. "Mind if I take an extra
cup?"

"Actually..." the gargoyle began.

"Thanks!"

Brockhurst was already on his way back, bearing
his prize with him, some kind of a thin-sided, flimsy
cannister. Plopping down at a nearby table, he beck-
oned to me, indicating the seat opposite him with a
wave of his hand.

There was no gracious course for me to follow
other than to join him, though it would later occur to
me I had no real obligation to be gracious. Moving
carefully to avoid knocking anything over with my
sword, I maneuvered my way to the indicated seat.

Apparently, Brockhurst had been sitting here be-
fore, as there was already a cannister on the table
identical to the one he had fetched from the counter.
The only difference was that the one on the table was
three-quarters full of a curious pink liquid.

With great ceremony, the Imp picked up the can-
nister from the table and poured half its contents into
the new vessel. The liquid poured with the consis-
tency of swamp muck.

"Here!" he said, pushing one of the cannisters
across the table to me. "Now you don't have to
worry about any funny business with the drinks.
We're both drinking the same thing."

With that, he raised his vessel in a mock toast and
took a healthy swallow from it. Apparently he ex-
pected me to do the same. I would have rather sucked
blood.

"Um . . . it's hard to believe things aren't going
well for you," I stalled. "You look well enough."

For a change, I was actually sincere. Brockhurst
looked good . . . even for an Imp. As Aahz had said,
Imps are snappy dressers, and Brockhurst was no ex-
ception. He was outfitted in a rust-colored velvet
jerkin trimmed in gold, which set off his pink com-
plexion and sleek black hair superbly. If he were
starving, you couldn't tell it from looking at him.
Though still fairly slender, he was as well muscled
and adroit as when I had first met him.

"Don't let appearances fool you," Brockhurst in-
sisted, shaking his head. "You see before you an Imp
pushed to the wall. I've had to sell everything—my
crossbow, my pouch of magic tricks—I couldn't even
raise enough money to pay my dues to the Assassins
Guild."

"It's that hard to find work?" I sympathized.

"I'll tell you, Skeeve," he whispered confiden-
tially, "I haven't worked since that fiasco with Isst-
van."

102 Robert Asprin

"Where is Isstvan, anyway?" I asked casually.

"Don't worry about him," Brochkurst said
grimly. "We left him working concession stands on
the Isle of Coney, a couple of dimensions from
here."

"What happened to the others?"

I was genuinely curious. I hadn't had much of a
chance to talk with Tanda since our reunion.

"We left Frumple under a cloud of birds in some
park or other . . . figured he looked better as a statue
than he did alive. The demon hunter and the girl
took off for parts unknown one night while we were
asleep. My partner, Higgens, headed back to Imper.
He figured his career was over and that he might as
well settle down. Me, I've been looking for work ever
since, and I'm starting to think Higgens was right."

"Come on, Brockhurst," I chided. "There must
be something you can do. I mean, this is the
Bazaar."

The Imp heaved a sigh and took another sip of his
drink.

"It's nice of you to say that, Skeeve," he smiled.
"But I've got to face the facts. There's not a big de-
mand for Imps anyway, and none at all for an Imp
with no powers."

I knew what he meant. All the dimension travelers
I had met so far—Aahz, Isstvan, Tanda, and even
the Deveel Frumple—seemed to regard Imps as in-
ferior beings. The nicest thing I had heard said about
them was that they were styleless imitators of the
Deveels.

I felt sorry for him. Despite the fact we had first
met as enemies, it wasn't that long ago I had been a
loser nobody wanted.

"You've got to keep trying," I encouraged.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        103

"Somewhere, there's someone who wants to hire
you."

"Not very likely," the Imp grimaced. "The way I
am now, /wouldn't hire me. Would you?"

"Sure I would," I insisted. "In a minute."

"Oh, well," he sighed. "I shouldn't dwell on my-
self. How have things been with you? What brings
you to the Bazaar?"

Now it was my turn to grimace.

"Aahz and I are in a bad spot," I explained.
"We're here trying to recruit a force to help us out."

"You're hiring people?" Brockhurst was suddenly
intense.

"Yeah. Why?" I replied.

Too late, I realized what I was saying.

"Then you weren't kidding about hiring me!"
Brockhurst was beside himself with glee.

"Urn.. ."I said.

"This is great," the Imp chortled, rubbing his
hands together. "Believe me, Skeeve, you won't
regret this."

I was regretting it already.

"Wait a minute, Brockhurst," I interrupted des-
perately. "There are a few things you should know
about the job."

"Like what?"

"Well ... for one thing, the odds are bad," I said
judiciously. "We're up against an army. That's
pretty rough fare considering how low the pay is."

I thought I would touch a nerve with that remark
about the pay. I was right.

"How low is the pay?" the Imp asked bluntly.

Now I was stuck. I didn't have the vaguest idea
how much mercenaries were normally paid.

"We . . . um ... we couldn't offer you more than

104 Robert Asprin

one gold piece for the whole job," I shrugged.

"Done!" Brockhurst proclaimed. "With the cur-
rent state of my finances, I can't turn down an offer
like that no matter how dangerous it is."

It occurred to me that sometime I should have
Aahz give me a quick course in rates of exchange.

"Um . . . there's one other problem," I murmured
thoughtfully.

"What's that?"

"Well, my partner, you remember Aahz?"

The Imp nodded.

"Well, he's out right now trying to hire a force,
and he's got the money," I continued. "There's a
good chance that if he's successful, and he usually is,
there won't be enough money left to hire you."

Brockhurst pursed his lips for a moment, then
shrugged.

"Well," he said, "I'll take the chance. I wasn't go-
ing anywhere anyway. As I said, they haven't exactly
been beating my door down with job offers."

I had run out of excuses.

"Well"—-I smiled lamely—"as long as you're
aware—"

"Heads up, boss," the Imp's murmur interrupted
me. "We've got company."

I'm not sure which worried me more, Brockhurst
calling me "boss" or the specterlike character who
had just stepped up to our table.

Chapter Fourteen:

"We're looking for a few good men."

—B. CASSIDY

FOR a moment I thought we were being confronted
by a skeleton. Then I looked closer and realized there
really was skin stretched over the bones, though its
dusty-white color made it seem very dead indeed.

The figure's paleness was made even more corpse-
like by the blue-black hooded robe that enshrouded
it. It wasn't until I noted the wrinkled face with a
short, bristly white beard that I realized our visitor
was actually a very old man ... very old.

He looked weak to the point of near collapse, des-
perately clutching a twisted black walking staff which
seemed to be the only thing keeping him erect. Still,
his eyes were bright and his smile confident as he
stood regarding us.

"Did I hear you boys right?" he asked in a crack-
ling voice.

"I beg your pardon?" Brockhurst scowled at him.
The ancient figure sneered and raised his voice.
"I said, 'Did I hear you boys right?'!" he barked.

105

106 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 107

"What's the matter? Are you deaf?"

"Urn . . . excuse me," I interrupted hastily.
"Before we can answer you, we have to know what
you thought we said."

The old man thought for a minute, then bobbed
his head in a sudden nod.

"You know, yer right!" he cackled. "Pretty
smart, young fella."

He began to list, but caught himself before he fell.

"Thought I heard you tell Pinko here you were
looking for a force to take on an army," he pro-
nounced, jerking a thumb at Brockhurst.

"The name's Brockhurst, not Pinko!" the Imp
snarled.

"All right, Bratwurst," the old man nodded. "No
need to get your dander up."

"That's Brockhurst!"

"You heard right," I interrupted again, hoping the
old man would go away as soon as his curiosity was
satisfied.

"Good!" the man declared. "Count me in! Me
and Blackie haven't been in a good fight for a long
time."

"How long is that in centuries?" Brockhurst
sneered.

"Watch your mouth, Bratwurst!" the old man
warned. "We may be old, but we can still teach you a
thing or two about winnin' wars."

"Who's Blackie?" I asked, cutting off Brock-
hurst's reply.

In reply,.the old man drew himself erect . . . well,
nearly erect, and patted his walking staff.

"This is Blackie!" he announced proudly. "The
finest bow ever to come from Archiah, and that takes
in a lot of fine bows!"

I realized with a start that the walking staff was a
bow, unstrung, with its bowstring wrapped around
it. It was unlike any bow I had ever seen, lumpy and
uneven, but polished to a sheen that seemed to glim-
mer with a life all its own.

"Wait a minute!" Brockhurst was suddenly atten-
tive. "Did you say you come from Archiah?"

"That I did," the old man grinned. "Ajax's the
name, fighting's my game. Ain't seen a war yet that
could lay old Ajax low, and I've seen a lot of 'em."

"Um . . . could you excuse us for just a minute,
sir?" Brockhurst smiled apologetically.

"Sure, son," Ajax nodded. "Take your time."

I couldn't understand the Imp's sudden change in
attitude, but he seemed quite intense as he jerked his
head at me, so I leaned close to hear what he had to
say.

"Hire him, boss!" he hissed in my ear.

"What?" I gasped, not believing I had heard him
right.

"I said hire him!" the Imp repeated. "I may not
have much to offer you, but I can give you advice.
Right now, my advice is to hire him."

"But he's—"

"He's from Archiah!" Brockhurst interrupted.
"Boss, that dimension invented archery. You don't
find many genuine Archers of any age for hire. If
you've really got a war on your hands, hire him. He
could tip the balance for us."

"If he's that good," I whispered back, "can we af-
ford him?"

"One gold piece will be adequate," Ajax smiled
toothily, adding his head to our conference. "I ac-
cept your offer."

"Excellent!" Brockhurst beamed.

108 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 109

"Wait a minute," I shrieked desperately, "I have a
partner that—"

"I know, I know," Ajax sighed, holding up a re-
straining hand. "I heard when you told Bratwurst
here."

"That's Brockhurst," the Imp growled, but he did
it smiling.

"If your partner can't find help, then we're
hired!" the old man laughed, shaking his head. "It's
a mite strange, but these are strange times."

"You can say that again," I muttered.

I was beginning to think I had spoken too loud in
my conversation with Brockhurst.

"One thing you should know, though, young-
ster," Ajax murmured confidentially. "I'm bein'
followed."

"By who? "I asked.

"Don't rightly know," he admitted. "Haven't fig-
ured it out yet. It's the little blue fella in the corner
behind me."

I craned my neck to look at the indicated corner. It
was empty.

"What fella? I mean, fellow," I corrected myself.

Ajax whipped his head around with a speed that
belied his frail appearance.

"Dang it," he cursed. "He did it again. I'm telling
you, youngster, that's why I can't figure what he's
after!"

"Ah . . . sure, Ajax," I said soothingly. "You'll
catch him next time."

Terrific. An Imp with no powers, and now an old
Archer who sees things.

My thoughts were interrupted by a gentle tap on
my shoulder. I turned to find the gargoyle looming
over me.

"Your order's ready, sir," he said through his
perma-smile.

"My order?"

"Yes, if you'll step this way."

"There must be some mistake," I began, "I
didn't..."

The gargoyle was already gone, lumbering back to
his counter. I considered ignoring him. Then I con-
sidered his size and countenance, and decided I
should straighten out this misunderstanding in a
polite fashion.

"Excuse me," I told my charges. "I'll be right
back."

"Don't worry about us, boss," Brockhurst waved.

I wasn't reassured.

I managed to make my way to the counter without
banging my sword against anything or anyone, a feat
that raised my spirits for the first time that after-
noon. Thus bolstered, I approached the gargoyle.

"I... um ... I don't recall ordering anything," I
stated politely.

"Don't blame you, either," the gargoyle growled
through his smile. "Beats me how anyone or any-
thing can eat the slop they serve here."

"But—"

"That was just to get you away from those two,"
the gargoyle shrugged. "You see, I'm shy."

"Shy about what?"

"About asking you fora job, of course!"

I decided I would definitely have to keep my voice
down in the future. My quiet conversation with
Brockhurst seemed to have attracted the attention of
half the Bazaar.

"Look...urn..."

"Gus!" the gargoyle supplied.

110 Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

111

"Yes, well, ah, Gus, I'm really not hiring—"

"I know. Your partner is," Gus interrupted. "But
you're here and he isn't, so I figured I'd make our
pitch to you before the second team roster is com-
pletely filled."

"Oh!" I said, not knowing what else to say.

"The way I see it," the gargoyle continued, "we
could do you a lot of good. You're a Klahd, aren't
you?"

"I'm from Klah," I acknowledged stiffly.

"Well, if my memory serves me correctly, warfare
in that dimension isn't too far advanced technolog-
ically."

"We have crossbows and catapults," I informed
him. "At least the other side does."

"That's what I said," Gus agreed. "Primitive. To
stop that force, all you need is air support and a little
firepower. We can supply both, and we'll work
cheap, both of us for one gold piece."

Now I was sure I had underestimated the market
value of gold pieces. Still, the price was tempting.

"I dunno, Gus," I said cagily. "Ajax there is sup-
posed to be a pretty good Archer."

"Archers," the gargoyle snorted. "I'm talking
about real firepower. The kind my partner can give
you."

"Who is your partner?" I asked. "He isn't short
and blue by any chance, is he?"

"Naw," Gus replied, pointing to the far corner.
"That's the Gremlin. He came in with the Archer."

"A Gremlin?" I said, following his finger.

Sure enough, perched on a chair in the corner was
a small, elfish character. Mischievous eyes danced in
his soft blue face as he nodded to me in silent recog-
nition. Reflexively, I smiled and nodded back. Ap-

parently I owed Ajax an apology.

"I thought Gremlins didn't exist," I commented
casually to Gus.

"A lot of folks think that," the gargoyle agreed.
"But you can see for yourself, they're real."

I wasn't sure. In the split second I had taken my
eyes off the Gremlin to speak with Gus, he had van-
ished without a trace. I was tempted to go looking for
him, but Gus was talking again.

"Just a second and I'll introduce you to my part-
ner," he was saying. "He's here somewhere."

As he spoke, the gargoyle began rummaging about
his own body, feeling his armpits and peering into the
wrinkles on his skin.

I watched curiously, until my attention was ar-
rested by a small lizard that had crawled out of one
of the gargoyle's wing folds and was now regarding
me fixedly from Gus's right shoulder. It was only
about three inches long, but glowed with a brilliant
orange hue. There were blotchy red patterns which
seemed to crawl about the lizard's skin with a life of
their own. The overall effect was startlingly beauti-
ful.

"Is that your lizard?" I asked.

"There he is!" Gus crowed triumphantly, snatch-
ing the reptile from his shoulder and cupping it in his
hands. "Meet Berfert. He's the partner I was telling
you about."

"Hello, Berfert," I smiled, extending a finger to
stroke him.

The gargoyle reacted violently, jerking the lizard
back out of my reach.

"Careful, there," he warned. "That's a good way
to lose a finger."

"I wasn't going to hurt him," I explained.

112 Robert Asprin

"No, he was about to hurt you!" Gus countered.
"Berfert's a salamander, a walking firebomb. We get
along because I'm one of the few beings around that
won't burn to a crisp when I touch him."

"Oh," I said with sudden understanding. "So
when you said 'firepower'—"

"I meant firepower," Gus finished. "Berfert
cleans 'em out on the ground, and I work 'em over
from the air. Well, what do you say? Have we got a
deal?"

"I'll... um ... have to talk it over with my part-
ner," I countered.

"Fine," Gus beamed. "I'll start packing."

He was gone before I could stop him.

I sagged against the counter, wishing fervently for
Aahz's return. As if in answer to my thoughts, my
mentor burst through the door, following closely by
Tanda.

My greeting died in my throat when I saw his
scowl. Aahz was not in a good mood.

"I thought I told you to wait outside," he bel-
lowed at me.

"Calm down, Aahz," Tanda soothed. "I thought
he'd be more comfortable waiting in here. Besides,
there's no reason to get upset. We're here and he's
here. Nothing has gone wrong."

"You haven't been dealing with any Deveels?"
Aahz asked suspiciously.

"I haven't even talked with any," I protested.

"Good!" he retorted, slightly mollified. "There's
hope for you yet, kid."

"I told you he could stay out of trouble," Tanda
smiled triumphantly. "Isn't that right, handsome?"

Try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to answer
her.

Chapter Fifteen:

"Fit worry about it tomorrow."

-S. O'HARA

"UM . . . are the mercenaries waiting outside?" I
asked finally.

"You didn't answer her question, kid," Aahz
observed, peering at me with renewed suspicion.

"Don't strain your neck looking for your troops,
handsome," Tanda advised me. "There weren't any.
It seems our mighty negotiator has met his match."

"Those bandits!" Aahz exploded. "Do you have
any idea what it would cost us if I had agreed to pay
their bar bill as part of the contract? If that's a non-
profit group, I want to audit their books."

My hopes for salvation sank like a rock.

"You didn't hire them?" I asked.

"No, I didn't," Aahz scowled. "And that moves
us back to square one. Now we've got to recruit a
force one at a time."

"Did you try—" I began.

"Look, kid," Aahz interrupted with a snarl, "I

113

114 Robert Asprin

did the best I could, and I got nowhere. I'd like to see
you do better."

"He already has!" Brockhurst announced, rising
from his seat. "While you were wasting time, Skeeve
here has hired himself a fighting team."

"He what?" Aahz bellowed, turning on his critic.
"Brockhurst! What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for orders in our upcoming campaign,"
the Imp replied innocently.

"What campaign?" Aahz glowered.

"The one on Klah, of course," Brockhurst
blinked. "Haven't you told him yet, boss?"

"Boss?" Aahz roared. "Boss?"

"No need ta shout," Ajax grumbled, turning to
face the assemblage. "We hear ya plain enough."

"Ajax!" Tanda exclaimed gleefully.

"Tanda!" the old man yelped back.

She was at him in a bound, but he smoothly inter-
posed his bow between them.

"Easy, girl," he laughed. "None of your athletic
greetings. I'm not as young as I used to be, ya
know."

"You old fraud!" Tanda teased. "You'll outlive
us all."

Ajax shrugged dramatically. "That kinda depends
on how good a general the youngster there is," he
commented.

"Kid," Aahz growled through gritted teeth, "I
want to talk to you! Now!"

"I know that temper!" Gus announced, emerging
from the back room.

"Gus!" Aahz exclaimed.

"In the stone!" the gargoyle confirmed. "Are you
in on this expedition? The boss didn't say anything
about working with Perverts."

T

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        115

Instead of replying, Aahz sank heavily into a chair
and hid his face in his hands.

"Tanda!" he moaned. "Tell me again about how
this kid can stay out of trouble."

"Um . . . Aahz," I said cautiously, "could I talk
to you for a minute ... privately?"

"Why, I think that's an excellent idea . . . boss,"
he said.

The smile he gave me wasn't pleasant.

"Kid!" Aahz moaned after I had finished my tale.
"How many times do I have to tell you? This is the
Bazaar at Deva! You've got to be careful what you
say and to whom, especially when there's money in-
volved."

"But I told them nothing was definite until we
found out if you had hired someone else," I pro-
tested.

"But I didn't hire anyone else, so now the deal is
final," Aahz sighed.

"Can't we get out of it?" I asked hopefully.

"Back out of a deal on Deva?" Aahz shook his
head. "That would get us barred from the Bazaar so
fast it would make your head spin. Remember, the
Merchants Association runs this dimension."

"Well, you said you wanted outside help," I
pointed out.

"I didn't expect to go that far outside," he grim-
aced. "An Imp, a senile Archer, and a gargoyle."

"And a salamander," I added.

"Gus is still bumming around with Berfert?" Aahz
asked, brightening slightly. "That's a plus."

"The only really uncertain factor," I said thought-
fully, "is the Gremlin."

"How do you figure that?" Aahz yawned.

116 Robert Asprin

"Well, he's been following Ajax. The question is,
why? And will he follow us to Klah?"

"Kid," Aahz said solemnly, "I've told you before.
There are no such things as Gremlins."

"But Aahz, I saw him."

"Don't let it bother you, kid," Aahz sympathized.
"After a day like you've been through, I wouldn't be
surprised if you saw a Jabberwocky."

"What's a—"

"Is everything set?" Tanda asked, joining our
conversation.

"About as set as we'll ever be," Aahz sighed.
"Though if you want my honest opinion, with a crew
like this, we're set more for a zoo than a war."

"Aahz is a bit critical of my choice in recruits," I
confided.

"What's your gripe, Aahz?" she asked, cocking
her head. "I thought you and Gus were old foxhole
buddies."

"I'm not worried about Gus," Aahz put in hastily.
"Or Berfert either. That little lizard's terrific under
fire."

"Well, I can vouch for Ajax," Tanda informed
him. "Don't let his age fool you. I'd rather have him
backing my move than a whole company of counter-
feit archers."

"Is he really from Archiah?" Aahz asked skep-
tically.

"That's what he's said as long as I've known
him," Tanda shrugged. "And after seeing him
shoot, I've got no reason to doubt it. Why?"

"I've never met a genuine Archer before," Aahz
said. "For a while I was willing to believe the whole
dimension was a legend. Well, if he can shoot half as

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        117

well as Archers are supposed to, I've got no gripes
having him on the team."

I started to feel a little better. Unfortunately, Aahz
noticed my smile.

"The Imp is another story," he said grimly. "I'm
not wild about working with any Imp, but to hire one
without powers is a waste of good money."

"Don't forget he's an Assassin," Tanda pointed
out. "Powers or no powers, I'll bet we find a use for
him. When we were talking with the Gremlin just
now—"

"Now don't .you start on that!" Aahz snarled.

"Start on what?" Tanda blinked.

"The Gremlin bit," Aahz scowled. "Any half-wit
knows there are no such things as Gremlins."

"Do you want to tell him that?" Tanda smiled.
"I'll call him over here and ... oh, rats! He's gone
again."

"If you're quite through," Aahz grumbled, rising
from his chair, "we'd best get moving. There's a war
waiting for us, you know."

"Oops! That reminds me!" Tanda exclaimed,
fishing inside her tunic.

"I know I shouldn't ask," Aahz signed, "but
what—"

"Here!" Tanda announced, flipping him a
familiar object.

It was a metal rod about eight inches long and two
inches in diameter with a button on one end of it.

"A D-Hopper!" I cried, recognizing the device in-
stantly.

"It's the same one you gave Isstvan," Tanda
smiled proudly. "I lifted it from him when we parted
company. You'll probably want to undo whatever

118

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        119

Robert Asprin

you did to the controls before you use it, though."

"If I can remember for sure," Aahz scowled, star-
ing at the device.

"I thought it might come in handy in case we get
separated on this job and you need a fast exit,"

Tanda shrugged.

"The thought's appreciated," Aahz smiled, put-
ting an arm around her.

"Does this mean you'll be able to teach me how to
travel the dimensions?" I asked hopefully.

"Not now I won't," Aahz grimaced. "We've got a
war to fight, remember?"

"Oh! Yes, of course."

"Well, get your troops together and let's go,"

Aahz ordered.

"Okay," I agreed, rising from my chair. "Ill get
Gleep and . . . wait a minute! Did you say my

troops?"

"You hired 'em, you lead 'em," my mentor

smiled.

"But you're—"

"I'll be your military advisor, of course," Aahz
continued casually. "But the job of Fearless Leader
is all yours. You're the court magician, remember?"

I swallowed hard. Somehow this had never entered
into my thinking.

"But what do I do?" I asked desperately.

"Well," Aahz drawled. "First, I'd advise you to
move 'em outside so we can all head for Klah to-
gether . . . that is, unless you're willing to leave your
dragon behind."

That didn't even deserve an answer. I turned to
face the troops, sweeping them with what I hoped
was a masterful gaze which would immediately com-
mand their attention.

No one noticed. They were all involved in a jovial
conversation.

I cleared my throat noisily.

Nothing.

I considered going over to their table.

"Listen up!" Aahz barked suddenly, scaring me
half to death.

The conversation stopped abruptly and all heads
swiveled my way.

"Aah ..." I began confidently. "We're ready to
go now. Everybody outside. Wait for me by the
dragon."

"Right, boss!" Brockhurst called, starting for the
door.

"I'll be a minute, youngster," Ajax wheezed,
struggling to rise.

"Here, Gramps," Gus said. "Let me give you a
hand."

"Name's not Gramps, it's Ajax!" the Archer
scowled.

"Just trying to be helpfill," the gargoyle apolo-
gized.

"I kin' stand up by myself," Ajax insisted. "Just
'cause I'm old don't mean I'm helpless."

I glanced to Aahz for help, but he and Tanda were
already headed out.

As I turned back to Ajax, I thought I caught a
glimpse of a small, blue figure slipping out through
the door ahead of us. If it was the Gremlin, he was
nowhere in sight when I finally reached the street.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

121

Chapter Sixteen:

"Myth-conceptions are the major cause
of wars!"

—A. HITLER

FORTUNATELY, the army had not moved from the
position it held when we left for Deva. I say for-
tunately because Aahz pointed out they might well
have renewed their advance in our absence. If that
had happened, we would have returned to find our-
selves behind the enemy lines, if not actually in the
middle of one of their encampments.

Of course, he pointed this out to me after we had
arrived back on Klah. Aahz is full of helpful little tid-
bits of information, but his timing leaves a lot to be
desired.

Ajax lost no time upon our arrival. Moving with a
briskness that belied his years, he strung his bow and
stood squinting at the distant encampments.

"Well, youngster," he asked, never taking his eyes
from the enemy's formations, "what's my first batch
of targets?"

120

His eagerness took me aback a bit, but Aahz
covered for me neatly.

"First," he said loftily, "we'll have to hold a final
planning session."

"We didn't expect to have you along, Ajax,"
Tanda added. "Having a genuine Archer on our side

naturally calls for some drastic revisions of our battle
plans."

"Don't bother me none," Ajax shrugged. "Just
wanted ta let you know I was ready to earn my keep.
Take yer time. Seen too many wars messed up 'cause
nobody bothered to do any plannin'! If ya don't
mind, though, think I'll take me a little nap. Jes'
holler when ya want some shootin' done."

"Ah ... go ahead, Ajax," I agreed.

Without further conversation, Ajax plopped down
and pulled his cloak a bit closer about him. Within a
few minutes, he was snoring lightly, but I noticed his
bow was still in his grip.

"Now there's a seasoned soldier," Aahz observed.
"Gets his sleep when and where he can."

"You want me to do a little scouting, boss?" Gus
asked.

"Um ..." I hesitated, glancing quickly at Aahz.
Aahz caught my look and gave a small nod.
"Sure, Gus," I finished. "We'll wait for you
here."

"I'll scout in the other direction," Brockhurst vol-
unteered.

"Okay," I nodded. "Aahz, can you give 'em a
quick briefing?"

I was trying to drop the load in Aahz's lap, but he
joined the conversation as smoothly as if we had
rehearsed it this way.

T

122

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        123

Robert Asprin

"There are a couple of things we need specific
information on," he said solemnly. "First, we need
a battlefield, small with scattered cover. Gus, you
check that out. You know what we're going to need.
Brockhurst, see what details you can bring back on
the three nearest encampments."

Both scouts nodded briskly.

"And both of you, stay out of sight," Aahz
warned. "The information's no good to us if you
don't come back."

"C'mon, Aahz," Gus admonished. "What have
they got that can put a dent in the old rock?"

He demonstrated by smashing his forearm into a
sapling. The tree went down, apparently without af-
fecting the gargoyle's arm in the slightest.

"I don't know," Aahz admitted. "And I don't
want to know, yet. You're one of our surprise weap-
ons. No point in giving the enemy an advance warn-
ing. Get my meaning?"

"Got it, Aahz," Gus nodded, and lumbered off.

"Be back in a bit," Brockhurst said with a wave of
his hand, heading off in the opposite direction.

"Now that we've got a minute," I murmured to
Aahz as I returned Brockhurst's wave, "would you
mind telling me what our final plan is? I don't even
know what the preliminary plans were."

"That's easy," Aahz replied. "We don't have one
...yet."

"Well, when are we going to form one?" I asked
with forced patience.

"Probably on the battlefield," Aahz yawned.
"Until then it's pointless. There're too many vari-
ables until then."

"Wouldn't it be a good idea to have at least a

general idea as to what we're going to do before we
wander out on the battlefield?" I insisted. "It would
do a lot for my peace of mind."

"Oh, I've already got a general idea as to what
we'll be doing," Aahz admitted.

"Isn't he sweet?" Tanda grimaced. "Would you
mind sharing it with us, Aahz? We've got a stake in
this, too."

"Well," he began lazily, "the name of the game is
delay and demoralize. The way I figure it, we aren't
going to overpower them. We haven't got enough
going for us to even try that."

I bit back a sarcastic observation and let him con-
tinue.

"Delay and demoralize we should be able to do,
though," Aahz smiled. "Right off the bat, we've got
two big weapons going for us in that kind of a fight."

"Ajax and Gus," I supplied helpfully.

"Fear and bureaucracy," Aahz corrected.

"How's that again?" Tanda frowned.

"Tanda, my girl," Aahz smiled, "you've been
spoiled by your skylarking through the dimensions.
You've forgotten how the man on the street thinks.
The average person in any dimension doesn't know
the first thing about magik, particularly about its
limitations. If the kid here tells 'em he can make the
sun stop or trees grow upside down, they'll believe
him. Particularly if he's got a few strange characters
parading around as proof of his power, and I think
you'll have to admit, the crew he's got backing him
this time around is pretty strange."

"What's bureaucracy?" I asked, finally getting a
word in edgewise.

"Red tape ... the system," Aahz informed me.

124

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

Robert Asprin

125

"The organization to get things done that keeps
things from getting done. In this case, it's called the
chain-of-command. An army the size of the one
we're facing has to function like a well-oiled machine
or it starts tripping over its own feet. I'm betting if
we toss a couple of handfuls of sand into its gears,
they'll spend more time fighting each other than
chasing us."

This was one of the first times Aahz had actually
clarified something he said. I wished he hadn't. I was
more confused than I had been before.

"Um . . . how are we going to do all this?" I
asked.

"We'll be able to tell better after you've had your
first war council," Aahz shrugged.

"Aren't we having it now?"

"I meant with the enemy," Aahz scowled. "Some-
time in the near future, you're going to have to sit
down with one of their officers and decide how this
war's going to be fought."

"Me? "I blinked.

"You are the leader of the defenses, remember?"
Aahz grinned at me.

"It's part of the job, handsome," Tanda con-
firmed.

"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "It just came to
me. I think I have a better idea."

' 'This I 've got to hear,'' Aahz grinned.

"Shut up, Aahz," Tanda ordered, poking him in
the ribs. "Whatcha got, handsome?"

"We've got a couple of trained Assassins on our
side, don't we?" I observed. "Why don't we just put
'em to work? If enough officers suddenly turn up
dead, odds are the army will fall apart. Right?"

"It won't work, kid," Aahz announced bluntly.

"Why not?"

"We can bend the rules, but we can't break 'em,"
Aahz explained. "Wars are fought between the
troops. Killing off the officers without engaging their
troops goes against tradition. I doubt if your own
force would stand still for it. Old troopers like Ajax
would have no part of a scheme like that."

"He's right," Tanda confirmed. "Assassins take
contracts on individuals in personal feuds, but not
against the general staff of an army.''

"But it would be so easy," I insisted.

"Look at it this way, kid," Aahz put in. "If you
could do it, they could do it. The way things are now,
you're exempt from Assassins. Would you really
want to change that?"

"What do I say in a war council?" I asked.

"I'll brief you on that when the time comes,"
Aahz reassured me. "Right now we have other things
to plan."

"Such as what?" Tanda asked.

"Such as what to do about those signal towers,"
Aahz retorted, jerking his head at one of the distant
structures.

"We probably won't have time to break their
code, so the next best thing is to disrupt their signals
somehow. Now, you said you picked up some special
effects items back at the Bazaar. Have you got any-
thing we could use on the signal towers?"

"I'm not sure," Tanda frowned thoughtfully. "I
wish you had said something about that before I went
shopping."

"What about Ajax?" I suggested.

"What about him?" Aahz countered.

126

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 127

"How close would he have to be to the towers to
disrupt things with his archery?"

"I don't know," Aahz shrugged. "Why don't you

ask him."

Eager to follow up on my own suggestion, I
squatted down next to the dozing bowman.

"Urn ... Ajax," I called softly.

"Whatcha need, youngster?" the old man asked,
coming instantly awake.

"Do you see those signal towers?" I asked, point-
ing at the distant structures.

Ajax rose to his feet and squinted in the indicated
direction. "Sure can," he nodded.

"We ... um ... I was wondering," I explained,
"can you use your bow to disrupttheir signals?"

In response, Ajax drew an arrow from beneath his
cloak, cocked it, and let fly before I could stop him.

The shaft disappeared in the direction of the
nearest tower. With sinking heart, I strained my eyes
trying to track its flight.

There was a man standing on the tower's platform,
his standard leaning against the railing beside him.
Suddenly, his standard toppled over, apparently
breaking off a handspan from its crosspiece. The
man bent and retrieved the bottom portion of the
pole, staring with apparent confusion at the broken

end.

"Any other targets?" Ajax asked.

He was leaning casually on his bow, his back to the
tower. He hadn't even bothered watching to see if his
missile struck its mark.

"Um .. . not just now, Ajax," I assured him. "Go

back to sleep."
"Fine by me, sonny," Ajax smiled, resettling him-

self. "There'll be plenty of targets tomorrow."

"How do you figure that?" I asked.

"According to that signal I just cut down," he
grinned, "the army's fixin' to move out tomorrow."

"You can read the signals?" I blinked.

"Sure," Ajax nodded. "There're only about eight
different codes armies use, and I know 'em all. It's
part of my trade."

"And they're moving out tomorrow?" I pressed.

"That's what I said." The bowman scowled.
"What's the matter, are you deaf?"

"No," I assured him hastily. "It just changes our
plans is all. Go back to sleep."

Returning to our little conference, I found Aahz
and Tanda engrossed in a conversation with Brock-
hurst.

"Bad news, kid," Aahz informed me. "Brock-
hurst here says the army's going to move out tomor-
row."

"I know," I said. "I just found out from Ajax.
Can you read the signal flags too, Brockhurst?"

"Naw," the Imp admitted. "But the Gremlin
can."

"What Gremlin?" Aahz bared his teeth.

"He was here a minute ago," Brockhurst scowled,
looking around.

"Well, handsome," Tanda sighed, eyeing me, "I
think we just ran out of planning time. Better call
your dragon. I think we're going to need all the help
we can get tomorrow."

Gleep had wandered off shortly after our arrival,
though we could still hear him occasionally as he
poked about in.the underbrush.

"You go get the dragon, Tanda," Aahz ordered.

T

128          Robert Asprin

"Though it escapes me how he's supposed to be any
help. The 'boss' here and I have to discuss his war
council tomorrow."

Any confidence I might have built up listening to
Aahz's grand plan earlier fled me. Tanda was right.
We had run out of time.

Chapter Seventeen:

"Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the
civilized warrior."

-HUN, A.T.

WE waited patiently, for our war council. The two of
us, Aahz and me. Against an army.

This was, of course, Aahz's idea. Left to my own
devices, I wouldn't be caught dead in this position.

Trying to ignore that unfortunate choice of words,
I cleared my throat and spoke to Aahz out of the
corner of my mouth.

"Aahz?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"How long are we going to stand here?"

"Until they notice us and do something about it."

Terrific. Either we'd rot where we stood, or some-
one would shoot us full of arrows.

We were standing about twenty yards from one of
the encampments, with nothing between us and them
but meadow. We could see clearly the bustle of ac-
tivity within the encampment and, in theory, there
was nothing keeping them from seeing us. This is

129

130

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        131

Robert Asprin

why we were standing where we were, to draw atten-
tion to ourselves. Unfortunately, so far no one had

noticed.

It had been decided that Aahz and I would work
alone on this first sortie to hide the true strength of
our force. It occurred to me that it also hid the true
weakness of our force, but I felt it would be tactless

to point this out.

At first, Brockhurst had argued in favor of his
coming along with me instead of Aahz, claiming that
as an Imp he had much more experience at bargain-
ing than a demon. It was pointed out to him rather
forcefully by Aahz that in this instance we weren't
bargaining for glass beads or whoopie cushions, but
for a war .. . and if the Imp wanted to prove to Aahz
that he knew more about fighting....

Needless to say, Brockhurst backed down at that
point. This was good, as it saved me from having to
openly reject his offer. I mean, I may not be the
fastest learner around, but I could still distinctly
remember Aahz getting the best of Brockhurst the
last time the two of them had squared off for a

bargaining session.

Besides, if this meeting went awry, I wanted my
mentor close at hand to share the consequences with

me.
So here we stood, blatantly exposed to the enemy

without even a sword for our defense. That was
another of Aahz's brainstorms. He argued that our
being unarmed accomplished three things. First, it
showed that we were here to talk, not to fight. Sec-
ond, it demonstrated our faith in my magical abilities
to defend us. Third, it encouraged our enemy to meet

us similarly unarmed.
He also pointed out that Ajax would be hiding in

the tree line behind us with strung bow and cocked
arrow, and would probably be better at defending us
if anything went wrong than a couple of swords
would.

He was right, of course, but it did nothing to settle
my nerves as we waited.

"Heads up, kid," Aahz murmured. "We've got
company."

Sure enough, a rather stocky individual was strid-
ing briskly across the meadow in our direction.

"Kid!" Aahz hissed suddenly. "Your disguise!"

"What about it?" I whispered back.

"It isn't!" came the reply.

He was right! I had carefully restored his "dubious
character" appearance, but had forgotten completely
about changing my own. Having our motley crew ac-
cept my leadership in my normal form had caused me
to overlook the fact that Klahds are harder to impress
than demons.

"Should I—" I began.

"Too late!" Aahz growled. "Fake it."

The soldier was almost upon us now, close enough
for me to notice when he abandoned his bored ex-
pression and forced a smile.

"I'm sorry, folks," he called with practiced au-
thority. "You'll have to clear the area. We'll be mov-
ing soon and you're blocking the path."

"Call your duty officer!" Aahz boomed back at
him.

"My who?" the soldier scowled.

"Duty officer, officer of the day, commander,
whatever you call whoever's currently in charge of
your formation," Aahz clarified. "Somebody's got
to be running things, and if you're officer material,
I 'm the Queen of the May.''

132

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 133

Whether or not the soldier understood Aahz's allu-
sion (I didn't), he caught the general implication.

"Yeah, there's someone in charge," he snarled, his
complexion darkening slightly. "He's a very busy
man right now, too busy to stand around talking to
civilians. We're getting ready to move our troops,
mister, so take your son and get out of the way. If
you want to watch the soldiers, you'll have to follow
along and watch us when we camp tonight."

"Do you have any idea who you're talking to?" I
said in a surprisingly soft voice.

"I don't care who your father is, sonny," the
soldier retorted. "We're trying to—"

"The name's not 'sonny,' it's Skeeve!" I hissed,
drawing myself up. "Court magician to the kingdom
of Possiltum, pledged to that kingdom's defense.
Now I advise you to call your officer ... or do you
want to wake up tomorrow morning on a lily pad?"
The soldier recoiled a step and stood regarding me

suspiciously.

"Is he for real?" he asked Aahz skeptically.

"How's your taste for flies?" Aahz smiled.

"You mean he can really—"

"Look," interrupted Aahz, "I'm not playing ser-
vant to the kid because of his terrific personality, if

you know what I mean."

"I see ... um. ..." The soldier was cautiously
backing toward the encampment. "I'll . . . um . . .
I'll bring my commanding officer."

"We'll be here," Aahz assured him.

The soldier nodded and retreated with noticeably
greater speed than he had displayed approaching us.

"So far, so good," my mentor said with a grin.

"What's wrong with my personality?" I asked
bluntly.

Aahz sighed. "Later, kid. For the time being, con-
centrate on looking aloof and dignified, okay?"

Okay or not, there wasn't much else to do while we
waited for the officer to put in his appearance.

Apparently, news of our presence spread through
the encampment in record time, for a crowd of
soldiers gathered at the edge of the camp long before
we saw any sign of the officer. It seemed all prepara-
tions to move were suspended at least temporarily
while the soldiers lined up and craned their necks to
gawk at us.

It was kind of a nice feeling to have caused such a
sensation, until I noticed several soldiers were taking
time to strap on weapons and armor before joining
the crowd.

"Aahz! "I whispered.

"Yeah, kid?"

"I thought this was supposed to be a peaceful
meeting."

"It is," he assured me.

"But they're arming!" I pointed out.

"Relax, kid," he whispered back. "Remember,
Ajax is covering us."

I tried to focus on that thought. Then I saw what
was apparently the officer approaching us flanked by
two soldiers, and I focused on the swords they were
all wearing.

"Aahz! "I hissed.

"Relax, kid," Aahz advised me. "Remember
Ajax."

I remembered. I also remembered we were vastly
outnumbered.

"I understand you gentlemen are emissaries of
Possiltum?" the officer asked, coming to a halt in
front of us.

134

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        135

Robert Asprin

I nodded stiffly, hoping the abruptness of my mo-
tion would be interpreted as annoyance rather than

fear.
"Fine," the officer smirked. "Then as the first

representative of the Empire to contact a represen-
tative of Possiltum, I have the pleasure of formally
declaring war on your kingdom."

"What is your name?" Aahz asked casually.
"Claude," the officer responded. "Why do you

ask?"

"The historians tike details," Aahz shrugged.

"Well, Claude, as the first representative of Possil-
tum to meet with a representative of your Empire in
times of war, it is our pleasure to demand your
unconditional surrender."

That got a smile out of the officer.

"Surrender?" he chortled. "To a cripple and a
child? You must be mad. Even if I had the authority
to do such a thing, I wouldn't."

"That's right." Aahz shook his head in mock self-
admonishment. "We should have realized. Someone
in charge of a supply company wouldn't swing much
weight in an army like this, would he?"

We had chosen this particular group of soldiers to
approach specifically because they were a supply
unit. That meant they were lightly armed and hope-
fully not an elite fighting group.

Aahz's barb struck home, however. The officer
stopped smiling and dropped his hand to his sword
hilt. I found myself thinking again of Ajax's protec-
tion.

"I have more than enough authority to deal with

you two," he hissed.

"Authority, maybe," I yawned. "But I frankly
doubt you have the power to stand against us."

As I mentioned, I did not feel as confident as I
sounded. The officer's honor guard had mimicked
his action, so that now all three of our adversaries
were standing ready to draw their swords.

"Very well," Claude snarled. "You've been
warned. Now we're going to bring our wagons across
this spot, and if you're on it when we get here you've
no one to blame but yourselves."

"Accepted!" Aahz leered. "Shall we say noon
tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" the officer scowled. "What's
wrong with right now?"

"Come, come, Claude," Aahz admonished.
"We're talking about the first engagement of a new
campaign. Surely you want some time to plan your
tactics."

"Tactics?" Claude echoed thoughtfully.

"... and to pass the word to your superiors that
you're leading the opening gambit," Aahz continued
casually.

"Hmm," the officer murmured.

". . . and to summon reinforcements," I supplied.
"Unless, of course, you want to keep all the glory for
yourself."

"Glory!"

That did it. Claude pounced on the word like a
Deveel on a gold piece. Aahz had been right in
assuming supply officers don't see combat often.

"I ... uh ... I don't believe we'll require rein-
forcements," he murmured cagily.

"Are you sure?" Aahz sneered. "The odds are
only about a hundred to one in your favor."

"But he is a magician," Claude smiled. "A good
officer can't be too careful. Still, it would be
pointless to involve too many officers ... er ... I

136

Robert Asprin

mean, soldiers in a minor skirmish."

"Claude," Aahz said with grudging admiration,
"I can see yours is a military mind without equal.
Win or lose, I look forward to having you as an op-
ponent."

"And you, sir," the officer returned with equal

formality. "Shall we say noon then?"

"We'll be here," Aahz nodded.

With that, the officer turned and strode briskly
back to his encampment, his bodyguard trudging
dutifully beside him.

Our comrades were bristling with questions when
we reentered the tree line.

"Is it set, boss?" Brockhurst asked.

"Any trouble?" Tanda pressed.

"Piece of cake," Aahz bragged. "Right, kid?"

"Well," I began modestly, "I was a little worried
when they started to reach for their swords. I would
have been terrified if I didn't know Ajax was . .. say,
where is Aj ax?"

"He's up in that clump of bushes," Gus informed
me, jerking a massive thumb at a thicket of greenery
on the edge of the tree line. "He should be back by

now."

When we found Ajax, he was fast asleep curled
around his bow. We had to shake him several times
to wake him.

Chapter Eighteen:

"Just before the battle, Mother, I was
thinking most of you..."

—SONNY BARKER

A LONG, slimy tongue assaulted me from the dark-
ness, accompanied by a blast of bad breath which
could have only one source.

"Gleep!"

I started to automatically cuff the dragon away,
then had a sudden change of heart.

"Hi, fella," I smiled, scratching his ear.
"Lonely?"

In response, my pet flopped on his side with a thud
that shook the ground. His serpentine neck was long
enough that he managed to perform this maneuver
without moving his head from my grasp.

His loyal affection brought a smile to my face for
the first time since I had taken up my lonely vigil. It
was a welcome antidote to my nervous insomnia.

I was leaning against a tree, watching the pinpoints
of light that marked the enemy's encampment. Even
though the day's events had left me exhausted, I

137

138

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 139

found myself unable to sleep, my mind awash with
fears and anticipation of tomorrow's clash. Not
wishing to draw attention to my discomfort, I had
crept to this place to be alone.

As stealthy as I had attempted to be, however, ap-
parently Gleep had noted my movement and come to

keep me company.

"Oh, Gleep," I whispered. "What are we going to

do?"
For his answer, he snuggled closer against me and

laid his head in my lap for additional patting. He
seemed to have unshakable faith in my ability to
handle any crisis as it arose. I wished with all my
heart I shared his confidence.

"Skeeve?" came a soft voice from my right.

I turned my head and found Tanda standing close
beside me. The disquieting thing about having an
Assassin for a friend is that they move so silently.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Sure, Tanda," I said, patting the ground next to

me. "Have a seat."

Instead of sitting at the indicated spot, she sank to
the ground where she stood and curled her legs up

under her.

"It's about Ajax," she began hesitantly. "I hate to

bother you, but I'm worried about him."

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Well, the team's been riding him about falling
asleep today when he was supposed to be covering
you," she explained. "He's taking it pretty hard."

"I wasn't too wild about it myself," I commented
bitterly. "It's a bad feeling to realize that we really
were alone out there. If anything had gone wrong, we
would have been cut to shreds while placidly waiting
for our expert bowman to intercede!"

"I know." Tanda's voice was almost too soft to be
heard. "And I don't blame you for feeling like that.
In a way, I blame myself."

"Yourself?" I blinked. "Why?"

"I vouched for him, Skeeve," she whispered.
"Don't you remember?"

"Well, sure," I admitted. "But you couldn't have
known—"

"But I should have," she interrupted bitterly. "I
should have realized how old he is now. He shouldn't
be here, Skeeve. That's why I wanted to talk to you
about doing something."

"Me?" T asked, genuinely startled. "What do you
want me lodo?"

"Send him back," Tanda urged. "It isn't fair to
you to endanger your mission because of him, and it
isn't fair to Ajax to put him in a spot like this."

"That isn't what I meant," I murmured, shaking
my head. "I meant why are you talking to me? Aahz
is the one you have to convince."

"That's where you're wrong, Skeeve," she cor-
rected. "Aahz isn't leading this group, you are."

"Because of what he said back on Deva?" I
smiled. "C'mon, Tanda. You know Aahz. He was
just a little miffed. You noticed he's called all the
shots so far."

The moonlight glistened in Tanda's hair as she
shook her head.

"I do know Aahz, Skeeve. Better than you do,"
she said. "He's a stickler for chain of command. If
he says you're the leader, you're the leader."

"But—"

"Besides," she continued over my protest, "Aahz
is only one member of the team. What's important is
all the others are counting on you, too. On you, not

Robert Asprin

140

on Aahz. You hired 'em, and as far as they're con-
cerned, you're the boss."

The frightening thing was she was right. I hadn't
really stopped to think about it, but everything she
said was true. I had just been too busy with my own
worries to reflect on it. Now that I realized the full
extent of my responsibilities, a new wave of doubts
assaulted me. I wasn't even that sure of myself as a
magician, and as a leader of men....

"I'll have to think about it," I stalled.

"You don't have much time," she pointed out.
"You've got a war scheduled to start tomorrow."

There was a crackling in the brush to our left, in-
terrupting our conversation.

"Boss?" came Brockhurst's soft hail. "Are you

busy?"

"Sort of," I called back.

"Well, this will only take a minute."

Before I could reply, two shadows detached them-
selves from the brush and drew closer. One was
Brockhurst, the other was Gus. I should have known
from the noise that the gargoyle was accompanying
Brockhurst. Like Tanda, the Imp could move like a

ghost.

"We were just talking about Ajax," Brockhurst

informed me, squatting down to join our conference.
The gargoyle followed suit.
"Yeah," Gus confirmed. "The three of us wanted

to make a suggestion to you."

"Right," Brockhurst nodded. "Gus and me and

the Gremlin."

"The Gremlin?" I asked.

The Imp craned his neck to peer around him.

"He must have stayed back at camp," he

shrugged.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        141

"About Ajax," Tanda prompted.

"We think you should pull him from the team,"
Gus announced. "Send him back to Deva and out of
the line of fire."

"It's not for us," Brockhurst hastened to clarify.
"It's for him. He's a nice old guy, and we'd hate to
see anything happen to him."

"He is pretty old," I murmured.

"Old!" Gus exclaimed. "Boss, the Gremlin says
he's tailed him for over two hundred years . . . two
hundred! According to him, Ajax was old when their
paths first crossed. It won't kill him to miss this one
war, but it might kill him to fight in it."

"Why is the Gremlin tailing him, anyway?" I
asked.

"I've told you before, kid," a voice boomed in my
ear, "gremlins don't exist."

With that pronouncement, Aahz sank down at my
side, between me and Tanda. As I attempted to re-
store my heartbeat to normal, it occurred to me I
knew an awful lot of light-footed people.

"Hi, Aahz," I said, forcing a smile. "We were just
talking about—"

"I know, I heard," Aahz interrupted. "And for a
change I agree."

"You do? "I blinked.

"Sure," he yawned. "It's a clear-cut breach of
contract. He hired out his services as a bowman, and
the first assignment you give him, he literally lies
down on the job."

Actually, it had been the second assignment. I had
a sudden flash recollection of Ajax drawing and fir-
ing in a smooth, fluid motion, cutting down a signal
standard so distant it was barely visible.

"My advice would be to send him back," Aahz

Robert Asprin

142

was saying. "If you want to soothe your conscience,
give him partial payment and a good recommenda-
tion, but the way he is, he's no good to anybody."

Perhaps it was because of Tanda's lecture, but I
was suddenly aware that Aahz had specifically stated
his suggestion as "advice," not an order.

"Heads up, boss," Brockhurst murmured.

"We've got company."
Following his gaze, I saw Ajax stumbling toward

us, his ghostlike paleness flickering in the darkness
like:.. well, like a ghost. It occurred to me that what
had started out as a moment of solitude was becom-
ing awfully crowded.

"Evenin', youngster," he saluted. "Didn't mean
to interrupt nothin! Didn't know you folks was

havin' ameetin'."

"We ... ah ... we were just talking," I explained,

suddenly embarrassed.

"I kin guess about what, too," Ajax sighed.
"Well, I was goin' to do this private-like, but I sup-
pose the rest o' you might as well hear it, too."

"Do what, Ajax?" I asked.

"Resign," he said. "Seems to me to be the only de-
cent thing to do after what happened today."

"It could have happened to anyone," I shrugged.

"Nice of you to say so, youngster," Ajax smiled,
"but I kin see the handwriting on the wall. I'm just
too old to be any good to anybody anymore. 'Bout

time I admitted it to myself."

I found myself noticing the droop in his shoulders
and a listlessness that hadn't been there when we first

met on Deva.

"Don't fret about payin' me," Ajax continued. "1

didn't do nothin', so I figger you don't owe me

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        143

nothin'. If somebody'll just blip me back to Deva,
I'll get outta your way and let you fight your war the
way it should be fought."

"Well, Ajax," Aahz sighed, rising to his feet and
extending his hand. "We're going to miss you."

"Just a minute!" I found myself saying in a cold
voice. "Are you trying to tell me you're breaking our
contract?"

Ajax's head came up with a snap.

"I expected better from a genuine Archer," I con-
cluded.

"I wouldn't call it a breach of contract, young-
ster," the old bowman corrected me carefully.
"More like a termination by mutual consent. I'm jes'
too old—"

"Old?" I interrupted. "I knew you were old when
I hired you. I knew you were old when I planned my
strategy for tomorrow's fight around that bow of
yours. I knew you were old, Ajax, but I didn't know
you were a coward!"

There was a sharp intake of breath somewhere
nearby, but I didn't see who it was. My attention was
focused on Ajax. It was no longer a defeated, droop-
ing old man, but a proud, angry warrior who loomed
suddenly over me.

"Sonny," he growled, "I know I'm old, 'cause in
my younger days I would have killed you for sayin'
that. I never ran from a fight in my life, and 1 never
broke a contract. If you got some shootin' fer me to
do tomorrow, I'll do it. Then maybe you'll see what
havin' a genuine Archer on your side is all about!"

With that, he spun on his heel and stalked off into
the darkness.

It had been a calculated risk, but I still found I was

Robert Asprin

144

covered with cold sweat from facing the old man's
anger. I also realized the rest of the group was staring

at me in silent expectation.

"I suppose you're all wondering why I did that," I

said, smiling.

I had hoped for a response, but the silence con-
tinued.

"I appreciate all your advice, and hope you con-
tinue to give it in the future. But I'm leading this
force, and the final decisions have to be mine."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aahz cock his

eyebrow, but I ignored him.

"Everyone, including Ajax, said if I let him go, if I
sent him back to Deva, there would be no harm done.
I disagree. It would have taken away the one thing
the years have left untouched ... his pride. It would
have confirmed to him his worst fears, that he's

become a useless old man."
I scanned my audience. Not one of them could

meet my eye.

"So he might get killed. So what? He's accepted
that risk in every war he's fought in. I'd rather order
him into a fight knowing for certain he'd be killed
than condemn him to a living death as a washed-up
has-been. This way, he has a chance, and as his
employer, I feel I owe him that chance."

I paused for breath. They were looking at me
again, hanging on my next words.

"One more thing," I snarled. "I don't want to
hear any more talk about him being useless. That old
man still handles a bow better than anyone I've ever
seen. If I can't find a way to use him effectively, then
it's my fault as a tactician, not his! I've got my short-
comings, but I'm not going to blame them on Ajax
any more than I'd blame them on any of you."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        145

Silence reigned again, but I didn't care. I had
spoken my piece, and felt no compulsion to blather
on aimlessly just to fill the void.

"Well, boss"—Brockhurst cleared his throat get-
ting to his feet—"I think I'll turn in now."

"Me, too," echoed Gus, also rising.

"Just one thing." The Imp paused and met my
gaze squarely. "For the record, it's a real pleasure
working for you."

The gargoyle nodded his agreement, and the two
of them faded into the brush.

There was a soft kiss on my cheek, but by the time
I turned my head, Tanda had disappeared.

"You know, kid," Aahz said, "you're going to
make a pretty good leader someday."

"Thanks, Aahz," I blinked.

".. .if you live that long," my mentor concluded.

We sat side by side in silence for a while longer.
Gleep had apparently dozed off, for he was snoring
softly as I continued petting him.

"If it isn't prying," Aahz asked finally, "what is
this master plan you have for tomorrow that's built
around Ajax?"

I sighed and closed my eyes.

"I haven't got one," I admitted. "I was kind of
hoping you'd have a few ideas."

"I was afraid you were going to say that," Aahz
grumbled.

Chapter Nineteen:

"What if they gave a war and only one

side came-"

—LUCIFER

"WAKE up, kid!"

I returned to consciousness as I was being force-
fully propelled sideways along the forest floor, pre-
sumably assisted by the ready toe of my mentor.

After I had slid to a stop, I exerted most of my

energy and raised my head.

"Aahz," I announced solemnly, "as leader of this
team, I have reached another decision. In the future,
I want Tanda to wake me up."

"Not a chance," Aahz leered. "She's off scouting
our right flank. It's me or the dragon."

Great choice. I suddenly realized how bright it

was.

"Hey!" I blinked. "How late is it?"

"Figure we've got about a minute before things
start popping,'' Aahz said casually.

"How long?" I gasped.

Aahz's brow furrowed for a moment as he re-

146

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        147

fleeted on his words. Klahdish units of time still gave
him a bit of trouble.

"An hour!" he smiled triumphantly. "That's it.
An hour."

"That's better," I sighed, sinking back to a hori-
zontal position.

"On your feet, kid!" Aahz ordered. "We let you
sleep as late as we could, but now you're needed to
review the troops."

"Have you briefed everybody?" I yawned, sitting
up. "Is the plan clear?"

"As clear as it's going to be, all things consid-
ered ,'' Aahz shrugged.

"Okay," I responded, rolling to my feet. "Let's
go. You can fill me in on any new developments
along the way."

Aahz and I had been up most of the night for-
mulating today's plan, and I found I was actually
eager to see it implemented.

"You should be thankful you aren't on the other
side," Aahz chortled as we moved to join the others.
"Old Claude's been making the most of the time we
gave him."

"Keeping them busy, is he?" I smiled.

"Since sunup," Aahz confirmed smugly. "Drill-
ing, sharpening swords, never a dull moment in the
Empire's army, that's for sure."

I wasn't sure I shared Aahz's enthusiasm for the
enemy's spending lots of time sharpening their
swords. Fortunately, I was spared the discomfort of
replying as Gus lumbered up to us.

"You just missed Brockhurst's report," he in-
formed us. "Still nothing on the left flank."

"Wouldn't we be able to tell from their signals if
they were moving up additional support?" I asked.

148

Robert Asprin

"If you believe their signals," Aahz countered. "It
wouldn't be the first time an army figured out the
enemy had broken their code and started sending
misleading messages."

"Oh," I said wisely.

"Speaking of signals," Aahz said with a grin,
"you know the messages they were sending yester-
day? The ones that went 'encountered minor resis-
tance'?"

"I remember," I nodded.

"Well, it seems Claude has decided he needs to up
the ante if he's going to get a promotion out of this.
Overnight we've become 'armed opposition ... must
be subdued forcefully!' Neat, huh?"

I swallowed hard.

"Does that mean they'll be moving in reinforce-
ments?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

"Not a chance, kid." Aahz winked. "Claude there
has turned down every offer of assistance that came
down the line. He keeps insisting he can handle it
with the company he's commanding."

"I'd say he's got his neck way, way out," Gus

commented.

"... and we're just the ones to chop it off for

him," Aahz finished.

"Where's Ajax?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Down at the forest line picking out his firing

point," Gus replied. "Don't worry, boss. He's

awake."
Actually, that wasn't my worry concerning Ajax at

all. In my mind's eye, I could still see his angry stance
when I called him a coward the night before.

"Mornin', youngster," the bowman hailed,
emerging from the bush. "Think I got us a place all
picked out."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        149

"Hi, Ajax," I replied. "Say . . . um . . . when you
get a minute, I'd like to talk to you about last night."

"Think nothin' of it," Ajax assured me with a
grin. "I've plum fergot about it already."

There was a glint in his eye that contradicted his
words, but if he was willing to pretend nothing had
happened, I'd go along with it for now.

"I hate to interrupt," Aahz interrupted, "but I
think friend Claude's just about ready to make his
move."

Sure enough, the distant encampment was lining
up in a marching formation. The hand-drawn wag-
ons were packed and aligned, with the escort troops
arrayed to the front and sides. The signal tower,
despite its appearance, was apparently also portable
and was being pushed along at the rear of the forma-
tion by several sweating soldiers.

"Late!" Ajax sneered. "I tell ya, youngster,
armies are the same in any dimension."

"Okay, kid," Aahz said briskly. "Do your stuff.
It's about time we got into position."

I nodded and closed my eyes for concentration.
With a few strokes of my mental paintbrush, I
altered Gus's features until the gargoyle was the
mirror image of myself.

"Pretty good," Ajax commented critically, look-
ing from Gus to me and back again.

I repeated the process, returning Aahz to his "du-
bious character" disguise.

"Well, we're off," Aahz waved. "Confusion to
the enemy!"

Today's plan called for Gus substituting for me.
The logic was that should anything go wrong, his
stone flesh would not only keep him from harm, but
also serve as a shield to defend Aahz.

150

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        151

Robert Asprin

Somehow it didn't seem right to me, to remain
behind in relative safety while sending someone else
to take my risks for me. It occurred to me that per-
haps I had called the wrong person "coward" last
night when speaking with Ajax.

The bowman seemed to accept the arrangement
without question, however.

"Follow me, youngster," he cackled. "I don't
want to miss any of this!"

With that, he turned and plunged into the brush,
leaving me little choice but to trail along behind.

Fortunately, Ajax's chosen vantage point wasn't
far. Old or not, I found he set a wicked pace.

Stringing his bow, he crouched and waited, chuck-
ling softly in anticipation.

Settling in beside him, I took a moment to check
the energy lines, the invisible streams of energy magi-
cians draw their power from. There were two strong
lines nearby, one air, one ground, which was good.
While Aahz had taught me how to store the energies
internally, with the amount of action scheduled for
the day, I wanted all the power I could get.

We could see Aahz and Gus striding with great
dignity toward the selected combat point. The oppos-
ing force watched them in frozen silence as they took
their places.

For a moment, everyone stood in tableau.
Then Claude turned to his force and barked out an
order. Immediately a half dozen archers broke from
the formation and fanned out on either side of the
wagons. Moving with slow deliberation, they each
drew and cocked an arrow, then leveled the bows at
the two figures blocking the company's progress.
I concentrated my energies.

Claude shouted something at our comrades. They
remained motionless.

I concentrated.

The bowmen loosed their missiles. Gus threw up
one hand dramatically.

The arrows stopped in mid-air and fell to the
ground.

The bowmen looked at each other in amazement.
Claude barked another order at them. They shakily
drew and fired another barrage.

This one was more ragged than the first, but I
managed to stop it as well.

"Nice work, youngster," Ajax exclaimed glee-
fully. "That's got 'em going."

Sure enough, the neat ranks of soldiers were rip-
pling as the men muttered back and forth among
themselves. Claude noted it, too, and ordered his
bowmen back into the ranks.

Round one to us!

My elation was short-lived, though. The soldiers
were drawing their swords now. The two groups as-
signed to guarding the sides of the wagon pivoted
forward, forming two wings ready to engulf our
teammates. As further evidence of Claude's nervous-
ness, he even had the troops assigned to pulling the
wagons leave their posts and move up to reinforce the
center of his line.

That's what we were waiting for.

"Now, Ajax!" I hissed. "Arch 'emhigh."

"I remember, youngster," the archer grinned.
"I'm ready when you are."

I waited until he raised his bow, then concentrated
an intense beam of energy at a point a few inches in
front of his bow.

152

Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

153

It was like the candle-lighting exercise, and it
worked as well now as it had when we had tried it last

night.
As each shaft sped from Ajax's bow, it burst into

flames and continued on its flight.

Again and again with incredible speed the bowman
sent his missiles hissing through my ignition point. It
required all my concentration to maintain the neces-
sary stream of energy, moving it occasionally as his
point of aim changed.
Finally, he dropped his bow back to his side.
"That oughta do it, youngster," he grinned.

"Take a look."

I did. There in the distance, behind the-soldiers'
lines, thin plumes of smoke were rising from the
wagons. In a few moments, Claude's supply com-
pany would be without supplies.

If we had a few moments! As we watched, the men
began to advance on Aahz and Gus, their swords

gleaming in the sun,

"Think we'd better do something about that!"
Ajax muttered, raising his bow again.

"Wait a second, Ajax!" I ordered, squinting at the

distant figures.

There had been a brief consultation between Aahz
and Gus, then the gargoyle stepped back and began
gesturing wildly at his companion.

It took me a moment, but I finally got the message.
With a smile, I closed my eyes and removed Aahz's

disguise.

Pandemonium reigned. The soldiers in the front
ranks took one look at the demon opposing them and
stampeded for the rear, half trampling the men be-
hind them. As word spread through the formation, it
became a rout, though I seriously doubt those in the

rear knew what they were running from.

If anyone noticed the burning wagons, they didn't
slow once.

"Whooee!" Ajax exclaimed, thumping me on the
back. "That did it. Look at 'em run. You'd think
those fellers never seed a Pervert before."

"They probably haven't," I commented, trying to
massage some feeling back into my shoulder.

"You know," the bowman drawled, squinting at
the scene below, "I got me an idea. Them fellers ran
off so fast they fergot to signal to anybody. Think we
should do it for'em?"

"How?" I asked.

"Well," he grinned. "I know the signals, and
you're a magician. If I told you what signal to run
up, could you do it? Without anybody holdin' it?"

"Sure could," I agreed. "What'll we need for the
signal?"

"Lemme think," he frowned. "We'll have to get a
skull, and a couple of pieces of red cloth, and a black
ball, an—"

"Wait a minute, Ajax," I said, holding up a hand.
"I think there's an easier signal they'll understand.
Watch this."

I sent one more blast of energy out, and the tower
platform burst into flames.
"Think they'll get the message?" I smiled.
Ajax stared at the burning tower for a moment.
"Yer pretty good at that, youngster," he mur-
mured finally. "Throwin' fire that far."
"Well," I began modestly, "we magicians can—"
" 'Course," he continued. "If you can do that,
then you didn't really need me and Blackie to handle
those wagons, did you?"
Too late I realized my mistake.

154

Robert Asprin

"Ajax, I—"

"Kinda strange, you goin' to all that trouble jes' to
convince me I'm not useless."

"You're not useless," I barked. "Just because
sometimes you're not necessary doesn't mean you're
useless. I may be young, but I'm old enough to know

that."
Ajax regarded me for a moment, then he suddenly

smiled.

"Danged if you aren't right, youngst. .. Skeeve,"
he laughed. "Guess I knew it, but plum fergot it
there fer a while. Let's go get some wine from that
cask strapped to your dragon. I'd like to thank you
proper fer remindin' me."

We headed back to camp together.

Chapter Twenty:

"Chain of command is the backbone of
military structure and must be strictly
obeyed."

—F. CHRISTIAN

THE mood back at the camp was understandably
celebratory. If I had had any hopes for joining in the
festivities, however, they were dashed when Aahz
hailed me.

"Over here, kid!" he waved. "We've got some
planning to do!"

"That's the other side o' bein' a general, young-
ster," Ajax murmured sympathetically. " 'T'aint all
speeches and glory. You go on ahead. I'll do my
drinkin' with the boys."

With a jerk of his head, he indicated Gus and
Brockhurst who were already at the wine. Tanda was
waiting for me with Aahz. That made my choice a
little easier.

"Okay, Ajax," I smiled. "I'll catch up with you in
a little bit."

"Congratulations, handsome!" Tanda winked as I

155

156

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        157

Robert Asprin

joined them. "That was as neat a bit of work as I've

seen in a long time."

"Thanks, Tanda," I blushed.

"I see you and Ajax are on speaking terms again,"
Aahz said, regarding me with cocked eyebrows.
"That's not a bad trick in itself. How did you do it?"

"We ... um ... we had a long talk," I replied
vaguely. "You said we had some planning to do?"

"More like a briefing." Aahz admitted. "Tanda
here brought along a few special effects items I think

you should know about."

I had completely forgotten about Tanda's errand
which had left me alone at the Bazaar. Now that I
had been reminded, my curiosity soared.

"Whatcha got, Tanda?" I asked eagerly.

"Nothing spectacular," she shrugged. "Knowing
Aahz was involved, I figured we'd be on a tight
budget so I stuck to the basics."

"Just show him, huh?" Aahz growled. "Spare us

the editorial comments."
She stuck her tongue out at him but produced a

small cloth sack from her belt.

"First off," she began, "I thought we could use
a little flash powder. It never fails to impress the

yokels."

"Flash powder," I said carefully.

"You set fire to it," Aahz supplied. "It burns fast
and gives you a cloud of smoke."

"I've got about a dozen small bags of it here,"
Tanda continued, showing me the contents of her
sack. "Various colors and sizes."

"Can I try one?" I asked. "I've never worked with

this stuff before."
"Sure," Tanda said. She grinned, extending the

sack. "They're yours to use as you see fit. You might
as well know what you've got."

I took the sack and carefully selected one of the
small bags from its interior.

"Better toss it to the ground, kid," Aahz cau-
tioned. "Some folks can set it off in their hand, but
that takes practice. If you tried it that way now,
you'd probably lose a few fingers."

I obediently tossed the bag on the ground a few
feet away. Watching it curiously, I focused a quick
burst of energy on it.

There was a bright flash of light accompanied by a
soft pop. Blinking my eyes, I looked at where the bag
had been. A small cloud of green smoke hung in the
air, slowly dissipating in the breeze.

"That's neat!" I exclaimed, reaching into the sack
again.

"Take it easy," Aahz warned. "We don't have
that much of the stuff."

"Oh! Right, Aahz," I replied, feeling a little
sheepish. "What else do you have, Tanda?"

"Well," she said, smiling, "I guess this would be a
piece-de-resistance."

As she spoke, she seemed to draw something from
behind her back. I say "seemed" because I couldn't
see anything. From her movements, she looked to be
holding a rod about three feet long, but there was
nothing in her grasp.

"What is it?" I asked politely.

For a response, she grinned and held whatever it
was in front of her. Then she opened her grip and
disappeared into thin air.

"Invisibility," Aahz exclaimed. "A cloak of in-
visibility!"

158          Robert Asprin

"Couldn't afford one," came Tanda's voice from
somewhere in front of us. "I had to settle for one of
these."

What "one of these" was, it turned out, was a
sheet of invisibility. It was a sheet of stiff material
about three feet by seven feet. Tanda had been carry-
ing it rolled up in a tube, and her disappearance had
been caused by the sheet unrolling to its full size.

As she and Aahz chatted excitedly about her new
find, I had an opportunity to further my knowledge
in the field of invisibility.

Invisible sheets, it seems, were made of roughly the
same material as invisible cloaks. Since the sheets
were carried, not worn, they did not require the flexi-
bility and softness necessary for a cloak. Conse-
quently, they were considerably cheaper than the
cloaks.

The effect was sort of like one-way glass. When
you were on the right side of an invisible sheet, you
could see through it perfectly well to observe what-
ever or whoever was on the other side. They, how-
ever, could not see you.

We were still discussing the potential uses of the
new tool when Brockhurst hastened up to our group.

"Hey, boss!" he called. "We've got company!"

"Who? Where?" I asked calmly.

"Down on the meadow," the Imp responded,
pointing. "The Gremlin says there's some kind of
group forming out there."

"What Gremlin?" Aahz snarled.

"C'mon, Aahz," Tanda called, starting off.
"Let's check this out."

There was indeed a group on the meadow. Empire
soldiers all.The puzzling thing was their activity, or

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        159

specifically their lack of it. They seemed to be simply
standing and waiting for something.

"What are they doing, Aahz?" I whispered as we
studied the group form the concealment of the tree
line.

"They're standing and waiting," Aahz supplied.
"I can see that," I said. "But what are they wait-
ing for?"

"Probably for us," my mentor replied.

"For us?" I blinked. "Why?"

"For a war council," Aahz grinned. "Look at it,
kid. Aren't they doing the same thing we did when we
wanted to talk? They're even standing in the same
spot."

I restudied the group in this light. Aahz was right!
The enemy was calling for a war council!

"Do you think we should go out there?" I asked
nervously.

"Sure," Aahz replied. "But not right away. Let
'em sweat a little. They kept us waiting the first time,
remember?"

It was nearly half an hour before we stepped from
the tree line and advanced across the meadow to
where the soldiers stood waiting. I had taken the
precaution of outfitting Aahz in his "dubious
character" disguise for the conference. Myself, I was
bearing the invisibility sheet before me, so that
though I was walking along beside Aahz, to the
soldiers it appeared he was alone.

There were more soldiers at the meeting point than
there had been at our first meeting with Claude. Even
to my untrained eye, it was apparent that there were
more than half a dozen officers present among the
honor guard.

160

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        161

Robert Asprin

"You wish a meeting?" Aahz asked haughtily,
drawing to a halt before the group.

There was a ripple of quick consultation among
the soldiers. Finally one of them, apparently the
leader, stepped forward.

"We wish to speak with your master!" he an-
nounced formally.

"He's kinda busy right now," Aahz yawned.
"Anything I can help you with?"

The leader reddened slightly.

"I am the commander of this sector!" he barked.
"I demand to see Skeeve, commander of the defense,
nothislacky!"

I dropped one of the bags of flash powder on the
ground at my feet.

"If you insist," Aahz growled, "I'll get him. But
he won't be happy."

"I'm not here to make him happy," the leader
shouted. "Now be off with you."

"That won't be necessary," Aahz leered. "He's a
magician. He hears and sees what his servants hear
and see. He'll be along."

That was my cue. I let drop the sheet of invisibility
and simultaneously ignited the bag of flash powder.

The results were spectacular.

The soldiers, with the exception of the leader, fell
back several steps. To them, it looked as if I had sud-
denly appeared from thin air, materializing in a cloud
of red smoke.

For me, the effect was less impressive. As the bag
of flash powder went off, it was made apparent to me
that watching a cloud of smoke from a distance was
markedly different from standing at ground zero.

As I was enveloped in the scarlet billows, my feel-

ing was not of elated triumph but rather a nearly
overwhelming desire to cough and sneeze.

My efforts to suppress my reactions caused me to
contort my features to the point where I must have
borne more than a faint resemblance to Gus.

"Steady, Master!" Aahz cautioned.

"Aahz. Ah! "I gasped.

"Do not let your anger overcome your reason,"
my mentor continued hastily. "They don't know the
powers they trifle with."

"I ... I did not wjsh to be disturbed," I managed
at last, regaining my breath as the smoke dissipated.

The leader of the group had held his ground
through the entire proceedings, though he looked a
bit paler and less sure of himself than when he had
been dealing with just Aahz.

"We . . . um . . . apologize for bothering you," he
began uncertainly. "But there are certain matters re-
quiring your immediate attention . . . specifically the
war we are currently engaged in."

I eyed him carefully. He seemed to be of a differ-
ent cut than Claude had been.

"I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage, sir," I
said cagily. "You seem to know me, but I don't recall
having met you before."

"We have not met before," the officer replied
grimly. "If we had, be assured one of us would not
be here currently. I know you by reputation, specific-
ally for your recent efforts to resist the advance of
our army. For myself, I am Antonio, commander of
the right wing of the left flank of the Empire's army.
These are my officers."

He indicated the soldiers behind him with a vague
wave of his hand. The men responded by drawing

162

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        163

Robert Asprin

themselves more erect and thrusting out their chins

arrogantly.

I acknowledged them with a slight nod.

"Where is Claude?" I asked casually. "I was
under the impression he was an officer of this sec-
tor."

"You are correct," Antonio smirked. "He was.
He is currently being detained until he can be prop-
erly court-martialed ... for incompetence!"

"Incompetence?" I echoed. "Come now, sir.
Aren't you being a little harsh? While Claude may
have overstepped his abilities a bit, I wouldn't say
he's incompetent. I mean, after all, he was dealing
with supernatural powers, if you know what I

mean."
As I spoke, I wiggled my fingers dramatically at

Aahz and removed his disguise.

The jaws of the attending officers dropped, ruin-
ing their arrogant jut. Then Aahz grinned at them,
and their mouths clicked shut in unison as they
swallowed hard.
Antonio was unimpressed.
"Yes, yes," he said briskly, waving a hand as if
at an annoying fly. "We have had reports, many re-
ports, as to your rapport with demons. Claude's in-
competence is in his disastrous underestimation of
the forces opposing him. Be assured, I will not be
guilty of the same error.''

"Don't count on it, Tony," Aahz leered. "We
demons can be a pretty tricky lot.
The officer ignored him.

"However, we are not here for idle pleasantries,"
he said, fixing me with a stern gaze. "I believe we
have a dispute to settle concerning right of passage

over this particular piece of terrain."

"We have a dispute concerning your right of
passage over the kingdom of Possiltum," I cor-
rected.

"Yes, yes," Antonio yawned. "Of course, if you
want to stop us from gaining Possiltum, you had best
stop us here."

"That's about how we had it figured," Aahz
agreed.

"Not to belabor the point, Antonio," I smiled,
"but I believe we do have you stopped."

"Temporarily," the officer smiled. "I expect that
situation to change shortly . . . shall we say, a few
hours after dawn? Tomorrow?"

"We'll be here," Aahz nodded.

"Just a moment," I interrupted. "Antonio, you
strike me as being a sporting man. Would you like to
make our encounter tomorrow a little more interest-
ing? Say, with a little side wager?"

"Such as what?" the officer scowled.

"If you lose tomorrow," I said carefully, "will
you admit Claude's defeat had nothing to do with in-
competence and drop the charges against him?"

Antonio thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Done," he said. "Normally I would fear what
the reaction of my superiors would be, but I am con-
fident of my victory. There are things even a demon
cannot stand against."

"Such as?" Aahz drawled.

"You will see," the officer smiled. "Tomorrow."

With that, he spun on his heel and marched off, his
officers trailing behind him.

"What do you think, Aahz?" I murmured.

"Think?" my mentor scowled. "I think you're

164

Robert Asprin

going soft, kid. First Brockhurst, now Claude. What
is this 'be kind to enemies' kick you're on?"
"I meant about tomorrow," I clarified quickly.
"I dunno, kid," Aahz admitted. "He sounded too
confident for comfort. I wish I knew what he's got
up his sleeve that's supposed to stop demons."
"Well," I sighed, "I guess we'll see tomorrow."

Chapter
Twenty-One:

"It takes a giant to fight a giant."

-H.PRYM

OUR pensiveness was still with us the next day.

Our opponents were definitely up to something,
but we couldn't tell exactly what it was. Tanda and
Brockhurst had headed out on a scouting trip during
the night and had brought back puzzling news. The
Empire's soldiers had brought up some kind of heavy
equipment, but it was hidden from sight by a huge
box. All our scouts could say for sure was that what-
ever the secret weapon was, it was big and it was
heavy.

Gus offered to fly over the box to take a quick
peek inside, but we vetoed the idea. With the box
constantly in the center of a mass of soldiers, there
was no way the gargoyle could carry out his mission
unobserved. Even if he used the invisibility sheet, the
army was so far flung that someone would see him.
So far we had kept the gargoyle's presence on our

165

166 Robert Asprin

team as a secret, and we preferred to keep it that way.
Even if we disguised him as Aahz or myself, it would
betray the fact that someone in our party was able to
fly. As Aahz pointed out, it looked as if this cam-
paign would be rough enough without giving the op-
position advance warning of the extent of our
abilities.

This was all tactically sound and irrefutably
logical. Nonetheless, it did nothing to reassure me as
Aahz and I stood waiting for Antonio to make his
opening gambit.

"Relax, kid," Aahz murmured. "You look nerv-
ous."

"I am nervous," I snapped back. "We're standing
out here waiting to fight, and we don't know who or
what we're supposed to be fighting. You'll forgive
me if that makes me a trifle edgy."

I was aware I was being unnecessarily harsh on my
mentor. Ajax and Gus were standing by, and Brock-
hurst and Tanda were watching for any new develop-
ments. The only team member unaccounted for this
morning was the Gremlin, but I thought it wisest not
to bring this to Aahz's attention. I assumed our
elusive blue friend was off somewhere with Gleep, as
my pet was also missing.

Everything that could have been done in prepara-
tion had been done. However, I still felt uneasy.

"Look at it this way, kid," Aahz tried again. "At
least we know what we aren 't up against."

What we weren't dealing with was soldiers.
Though a large number of them were gathered in the
near vicinity, there seemed to be no effort being
made to organize or arm them for battle. As the ap-
pointed time drew near, it became more and more ap-

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        167

parent that they were to be spectators only in the
upcoming fray.

"I think I'd rather deal with soldiers," I said
glumly.

"Heads up, kid," Aahz retorted, nudging me with
his elbow. "Whatever's going to happen is about
to."

I knew what he meant, which bothered me. There
was no time to ponder it, however. Antonio had just
put in his appearance.

He strolled around one corner of the mammoth
box deep in conversation with a suspicious-looking
character in a hooded cloak. He shot a glance in our
direction, smiled, and waved merrily.

We didn't wave back.

"I don't like the looks of this, kid," Aahz
growled.

I didn't either, but there wasn't much we could do
except wait. Antonio finished his conversation with
the stranger and stepped back, folding his arms
across his chest. The stranger waved some of the
onlooking soldiers aside, then stepped back himself.
Drawing himself up, he began weaving his hands
back and forth in a puzzling manner. Then the wind
carried the sound to me and I realized he was chant-
ing.

"Aahz!" I gasped. "They've got their own magi-
cian."

"I know," Aahz grinned back. "But from what I
can hear he's bluffing them the same way you bluffed
the court back at Possiltum. He probably doesn't
have any more powers than I do."

No sooner had my mentor made his observation
than the side of the huge box which was facing us

168

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 169

slowly lowered itself to the ground. Revealed inside

the massive container was a dragon.

The box had been big, better than thirty feet long
and twenty feet high, but from the look of the dragon
he must have been cramped for space inside.

He was big! I mean, really big!

Now I've never kidded myself about Gleep's size.
Though his ten-foot length might look big here on
Klah, I had seen dragons on Deva that made him
look small. The dragon currently facing us, however,
dwarfed everything I had seen before.

He was an iridescent bluish-green his entire length,
which was far more serpentine than I was accus-
tomed to seeing in a dragon. He had massive bat
wings that he stretched and flexed as he clawed his
way out of the confining box. There was a silver glint
from his eye sockets which would have made him
look machinelike were it not for the fluid grace of his

powerful limbs.

For a moment, I was almost overcome by the
beautiful spectacle he presented, emerging onto the
battlefield. Then he threw his head back and roared,
and my admiration turned icy cold within me.

The great head turned until its eyes were focused
directly on us. Then he began to stalk forward.

"Time for the better part of valor, kid," Aahz
whispered, tugging at my sleeve. "Let's get out of

here."

"Wait a minute, Aahz!" I shot back. "Do you see

that? What the keeper's holding?"

A glint of gold in the sunlight had caught my eye.
The dragon's keeper had a gold pendant clasped in
his fist as he urged his beast forward.

"Yeah!" Aahz answered. "So?"

"I've seen a pendant like that before!" I explained
excitedly. "That's how he's controlling the dragon!"

The Deveel who had been running the Dragon stall
where I acquired Gleep had worn a pendant like that.
The pendant was used to control dragons . . . unat-
tached dragons, that is. Attached dragons can be
controlled by their owner without other assistance. A
dragon becomes attached to you when you feed it.
That's how I got Gleep. I fed him, sort of. Actually,
he helped himself to a hefty bit of my sleeve.

"Well, don't just stand there, kid," Aahz barked,
interrupting my reverie. "Get it!"

I reached out with my mind and took a grab at the
pendant. The keeper felt it start to go and tightened
his grip on it, fighting me for its possession,

"I... I can't get it, Aahz," I cried. "He won't let
go."

"Then hightail it outta here, kid," my mentor
ordered. "Tell Ajax to bag us that keeper. Better tell
Gus to stand by with Berfert just in case. I'll try to
keep the dragon busy."

An image flashed in my mind. It was a view of me,
Skeeve, court magician, bolting for safety while
Aahz faced the dragon alone. Something snapped in
my mind.

"You go!" I snapped.

"Kid, are you—"

"It's my war and my job," I shouted. "Now get
going."

With that I turned to face the oncoming dragon,
not knowing or caring if Aahz followed my orders. I
was Skeeve!

But it was an awfully big dragon!

I tried again for the pendant, nearly lifting the

Robert Asprin

170

keeper from his feet with my effort, but the man
clung firmly to his possession, screaming orders at

the dragon as he did.

I shot a nervous glance at the grim behemoth bear-
ing down on me. If I tried to levitate out of the way,

he could just....

"Look out, kid!" came Aahz's voice from behind

me.
I half turned, then something barreled past me,

positioning itself between me and the oncoming

menace.

It was Gleep!

"Gleep!" I shouted. "Get back here!"
My pet paid me no mind. His master was being

threatened, and he meant to have a hand in this no

matter what I said.

No longer a docile, playful companion, he planted
himself between me and the monster, lowered his
head to the ground, and hissed savagely, a six-foot
tongue of flame leaping from his mouth as he did.

The effect on the big dragon was astonishing. He
lurched to a stop and sat back on his haunches, cock-
ing his head curiously at the mini-dragon blocking his

path.

Gleep was not content with stopping his opponent,

however. Heedless of the fact that the other dragon
was over four times his size he began to advance
stiffly, challenging his rival's right to the field.

The large dragon blinked, then shot a look behind
him. Then he looked down on Gleep again, drawing
his head back until his long neck formed a huge ques-
tion mark.

Gleep continued to advance.

I couldn't understand it. Even if the monster

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        171

couldn't flame, which was doubtful, it was obvious
he had the sheer physical power to crush my pet with
minimal effort. Still he did nothing, looking desper-
ately about him almost as if he were embarrassed.

I watched in spellbound horror. It couldn't last. If
nothing else, Gleep was getting too close to the giant
to be ignored. Any minute now, the monster would
have to react.

Finally, after a final glance at his frantic keeper,
the big dragon did react. With a sigh, one of his
taloned front paws lashed out horizontally in a cuff
that would have caved in a building. It struck Gleep
on the side of his head and sent him sprawling.

My pet was game, though, and struggled painfully
to his feet, shaking his head as if to clear it.

Before he could assume his aggressive stance, how-
ever, the big dragon stretched his neck down until
their heads were side by side, and he began to mutter
and grumble in Gleep's ear. My dragon cocked his
head as if listening, then "whuffed" in response.

As the stunned humans and nonhumans watched,
the two dragons conversed in the center of the bat-
tlefield punctuating their mutterings with occasional
puffs of smoke.

I tried to edge forward to get a better idea of ex-
actly what was going on, but the big dragon turned a
baleful eye on me and let loose a blast of flame which
kept me at a respectful distance. Not that I was
afraid, mind you; Gleep seemed to have the situation
well in hand ... or talon as the case might be. Well, I
had always told Aahz that Gleep was a very talon-ted
dragon.

Finally, the big dragon drew himself up, turned,
and majestically left the field without a backward

172 Robert Asprin

glance, his head impressively high. Ignoring the
angry shouts of the soldiers, he returned to his box
and dropped his haunches, sitting with his back to
the entire proceeding.

His keeper's rage was surpassed only by Anto-
nio's. He screamed at the keeper with purpled face
and frantic gestures until the keeper angrily pulled
the control pendant from around his neck, handed it
to the officer, and stalked off. Antonio blinked at the
pendant, then flung it to the ground and started off
after the keeper.

That was all the opening I needed. Reaching out
with my mind, I brought the pendant winging to my
hand.

"Aahz!"Ibegan.

"I don't believe it," my mentor mumbled to
himself. "I saw it, but I still don't believe it."

"Gleep!"

My pet came racing up to my side, understandably
pleased with himself.

"Hi, fella!" I cried, ignoring his breath and throw-
ing my arms around his neck in a hug. "What hap-
pened out there, anyway?"

"Gleep!" my pet said evasively, carefully studying
a cloud.

If I had expected an answer, it was clear I wasn't
going to get one.

"I still don't believe it," Aahz repeated.

"Look, Aahz," I said, holding the pendant aloft.
"Now we don't have to worry about that or any
other dragon. We've shown a profit!"

"So we did," Aahz scowled. "But do me a favor,
huh, kid?"

"What's that, Aahz?" I asked.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS       173

"If that dragon, or any dragon, wanders into our
camp, don't feed it! We already have one, and that's
about all my nerves can stand. Okay?"

"Sure, Aahz," I smiled.

"Gleep!" said my pet, rubbing against me for
more petting, which he got.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

175

Chapter
Twenty-Two:

"Hell hath no fury like a demon scorched.'''
—C. MATHER

OUR next war council made the previous ones look
small. This was only to be expected, as we were deal-
ing with the commander of the entire left flank of the
Empire's army.

Our meeting was taking place in a pavilion con-
structed specifically for that purpose, and the struc-
ture was packed with officers, including Claude. It
seemed Antonio was true to his word, even though he
himself was not currently present.

In the face of such a gathering, we had decided to
show a bit more force ourselves. To that end, Tanda
and Brockhurst were accompanying us, while Gleep
snuffled around outside. Gus and Ajax we were still
holding in reserve, while the Gremlin had not reap-
peared since the confrontation of dragons.

I didn't like the officer we were currently dealing
with. There was something about his easy, oily man-
ner that set me on edge. I strongly suspected he had

174

ascended to his current position by poisoning his
rivals.

"So you'd like us to surrender," he was saying
thoughtfully, drumming his fingers on the table
before him.

". . . or withdraw, or turn aside," I corrected.
"Frankly, we don't care what you do, as long as you
leave Possiltum alone."

"We've actually been considering doing just
that," the commander said, leaning back in his chair
to study the pavilion's canopy.

"Is that why you've been moving up additional
troops all day long?" Brockhurst asked sarcastically.

"Merely an internal matter, I assure you," the
commander purred. "All my officers are assembled
here, and they're afraid their troops will fall to
mischief if left to their own devices."

"What my colleague means," Aahz interjected,
"is we find it hard to believe you're actually planning
to accede to our demands."

"Why not?" the commander shrugged. "That is
what you've been fighting for, isn't it? There comes a
point when a commander must ask himself if it won't
cost him more dearly to fight a battle than to pass
it by. So far, your resistance utilizing demons and
dragons has shown us this battle could be difficult in-
deed."

"There are more where they come from," I inter-
jected, "should the need arise."

"So you've demonstrated," the commander
smiled, waving a casual hand at Tanda and Brock-
hurst. "Witches and devils made an impressive addi-
tion to your force."

I deemed it unwise to point out to him that Brock-
hurst was an Imp, not a Deveel.

176

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        177

Robert Asprin

"Then you agree to bypass Possiltum?" Aahz

asked bluntly.

"I agree to discuss it with my officers," the com-
mander clarified. "All I ask is that you leave one of
your... ah ... assistants behind."

"What for?" I asked. I didn't like the way he was

eyeing Tanda.

"To bring you word of our decision, of course,"

the commander shrugged. "None of my men would
dare enter your camp, even granted a messenger's im-
munity."
There was a mocking tone to his voice I didn't like.

"I'll stay, Skeeve," Aahz volunteered.
I considered it. Aahz had demonstrated his ability
to take care of himself time and time again. Still I

didn't trust the commander.

"Only if you are willing to give us one of your of-
ficers in return as a hostage," I replied.

"I've already said none of—" the commander

began.

"He need not enter our camp," I explained. "He

can remain well outside our force, on the edge of the
tree line in full view of your force. I will personally

guarantee his safety."

The commander chewed his lip thoughtfully.
"Very well," he said. "Since you have shown an

interest in his career, I will give you Claude to hold as

a hostage."

The young officer paled but remained silent.
"Agreed," I said. "We will await your decision."
I nodded to my comrades, and they obediently

began filing out of the pavilion. Claude hesitated,

then joined the procession.

I wanted to tell Aahz to be careful but decided

against it. It wouldn't do to admit my partner's
vulnerability in front of the commander. Instead, I
nodded curtly to the officers and followed my com-
rades.

Tanda and Brockhurst were well on their way back
to the treeline. Claude, on the other hand, was
waiting for me as I emerged and fell in step beside
me.

"While we have a moment," he said stiffly, "I
would like to thank you for interceding in my behalf
with my superiors."

"Don't mention it," I mumbled absently.

"No, really," he persisted. "Chivalry to an oppo-
nent is rarely seen these days. I think—"

"Look, Claude," I growled, "credit it to my
warped sense of justice. I don't like you, and didn't
when we first met, but that doesn't make you in-
competent. Unpleasant, perhaps, but not incompe-
tent."

I was harsher with him than I had intended to be,
but I was worried about Aahz.

Finding himself thus rebuked, he sank into an un-
comfortable silence which lasted almost until we
reached the trees. Then he cleared his throat and tried
again.

"Urn . . . Skeeve?"

"Yeah?" I retorted curtly.

"I ... um . . . what I was trying to say was that I
am grateful and would repay your favor by any rea-
sonable means at my disposal."

Despite my concern, his offer penetrated my mind
as a potential opportunity.

"Would answering a few questions fall under the
heading of 'reasonable'?" I asked casually.

178

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 179

"Depending upon the questions," he replied care-
fully. "I am still a soldier, and my code of conduct

clearly states—"

"Tell you what," I interrupted. "I'll ask the ques-
tions, and you decide which ones are okay to answer.
Fair enough?"

"So it would seem," he admitted.

"Okay," I began. "First question. Do you think
the commander will actually bypass Possiltum?''

The officer avoided my eyes for a moment, then
shook his head briskly.

"I should not answer that," he said, "but I will. I
do not feel the commander is even considering it as a
serious possibility, nor does any officer in that tent.
He is known as 'the Brute,' even among his most
loyal and seasoned troops. May I assure you he did
not acquire that nickname by surrendering or capitu-
lating while his force was still intact."

"Then why did he go through the motions of the
meeting just now?" I queried.

"To gain time," Claude shrugged. "As your assis-
tants noted, he is using the delay to mass his troops.
The only code he adheres to is 'Victory at all costs.'
In this case, it seems it is costing him his honor."

I thought about this for a moment before asking

my next question.

"Claude," I said carefully, "you've faced us in
battle, and you know your own army. If your predic-
tion is correct and the Brute attacks in force, in your
opinion, what are our chances of victory?"

"Nil," the officer replied quietly. "I know it may
sound like enemy propaganda, but I ask you to
believe my sincerity. Even with the additional forces
you displayed this evening, if the Brute sets the

legions in motion, they'll roll right over you. Were I
in your position, I would take advantage of the cover
of night to slip away, and not fear the stigma of cow-
ardice. You're facing the mightiest army ever
assembled. Against such a force there is no coward-
ice, only self-preservation."

I believed him. The only question was what should
I do with the advice.

"I thank you for your counsel," I said formally.
"And will consider your words carefully. For now, if
you will please remain here in the open as promised, I
must consult with my troops."

"One more thing," Claude said, laying a restrain-
ing hand on my arm. "If any harm befalls your assis-
tant, the one you left at the meeting, I would ask that
you remember I was here with you and had no part in
it."

"I will remember," I nodded, withdrawing my
arm. "But if the Brute tries to lay a hand on Aahz,
I'll wager he'll wish he hadn't."

As I turned to seek out my team, I wished I felt as
confident as I sounded.

Tanda came to me readily when I caught her eye
and beckoned her away from the others.

"What is it, Skeeve?" she asked as we moved away
into the shadows. "Are you worried about Aahz?"

I was, though I didn't want to admit it just yet.
The night was almost gone with no signs of move-
ment or activity from the pavilion. Still, I clung to
my faith in Aahz. When that failed, I turned my
mind to other exercises to distract it from fruitless
worry.

"Aahz can take care of himself," I said gruffly.

180

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 181

"There's something else I wanted your opinion on."

"What's that?" she asked, cocking her head.

"As you know," I began pompously, "I am un-
able to see the disguise spells I cast. Though everyone
else is fooled, as the originator of the spell, I still con-
tinue to see things in their true form."

"I didn't know that," she commented. "But con-
tinue."

"Well," I explained, "I was thinking that if we ac-
tually have to fight the army, we could use additional
troops. I've got an idea, but I need you to tell me if it
actually works."

"Okay," she nodded. "What is it?"

I started to resume my oration, then realized I was
merely stalling. Instead, I closed my eyes and focused
my mind on the small grove of trees ahead.

"Hey!" cried Tanda. "That's terrific."

I opened my eyes, being careful to maintain the

spell.

"What do you see?" I asked nervously.
"A whole pack of demons . . . oops ... I mean

Perverts," she reported gaily. "Bristling with swords

and spears. That's wild!"

It worked. I was correct when I guessed that my

disguise spell could work on any living thing, not just

men and beasts.

"I've never seen anything like it," Tanda

marveled. "Can you make them move?"
"I don't know," I admitted. "I just—"
"Boss! Hey, Boss!" Brockhurst shouted, sprinting

up to us. "Come quick! You'd better see this!"
"What is it?" I called, but the Imp had reversed

his course and was headed for the tree line.
A sudden fear clutched at my heart.
"C'mon, Tanda," I growled and started off.

By the time we reached the tree line the whole team
was assembled there, talking excitedly among them-
selves.

"What is it?" I barked, joining them.

The group fell silent, avoiding my eyes. Brockhurst
lifted a hand and pointed across the meadow.

There, silhouetted against a huge bonfire was
Aahz, hanging by his neck from a crude gallows. His
body was limp and lifeless as he rotated slowly at the
end of the rope. At his feet, a group of soldiers were
gathered to witness the spectacle.

Relief flooded over me, and I began to giggle
hysterically. Hanging! If only they know!

Alarm showed in the faces of my team as they
studied my reaction in shocked silence.

"Don't worry!" I gasped. "He's okay!"

Early in my career with Aahz, I had learned that
one doesn't kill demons by hanging them. Their neck
muscles are too strong! They can hang all day with-
out being any the worse for wear. I had, of course,
learned this the hard way one day when we....

"At least they have the decency to burn the body,"
Claude murmured from close beside me.

My laughter died in my throat.

"What?" I cried, spinning around.

Sure enough, the soldiers had cut down Aahz's
"body" and were carrying it toward the bonfire with
the obvious intention of throwing it in.

Fire! That was a different story. Fire was one of
the things that could kill Aahz deader than....

"Ajax!" I cried. "Quick! Stop them from—"

It was too late.

With a heave from the soldiers, Aahz arched into
the roaring flames. There was a quick burst of light,
then nothing.

182

Robert Asprin

Gone! Aahz!

I stood staring at the bonfire in disbelief. Shock
numbed me to everything else as my mind reeled at

the impact of my loss.

"Skeeve!" Tanda said in my ear, laying a hand on

my shoulder.

"Leave me alone!" I croaked.

"But the army..."

She let the word trail off, but it made its impact.
Slowly I became conscious of the world around me.

The legions, having given us our answer, were
massing for battle. Drums boomed, heralding the ris-
ing sun as it reflected off the polished weapons ar-
rayed to face us.

The army. They had done this!

With deliberate slowness I turned to face Claude.
He recoiled in fear from my gaze.

"Remember!" he cried desperately. "I had

nothing to—"

"I remember," I replied coldly. "And for that
reason only I am letting you go. I would advise,
however, that you choose a path to follow other than
rejoining the army. I have tried to be gentle with
them, but if they insist on having war, as I am
Skeeve, we shall give it to thenr!"

Chapter
Twenty-Three:

"What is this, a Chinese fire drill?"

—SUN TZU

I DIDN'T see where Claude went after I finished
speaking with him, nor did I care. I was studying the
opposing army with a new eye. Up to now I had been
thinking defensively, planning for survival. Now I
was thinking as the aggressor.

The legions were in tight block formations, ar-
rayed some three or four blocks deep and perhaps
fifteen blocks wide. Together they presented an awe-
some impression of power, an irresistible force that
would never retreat.

That suited me fine. In fact, I wanted a little in-
surance that they would not retreat.

"Ajax!" I called without turning my head.

"Here, youngster!" the bowman replied from
close beside me.

"Can Blackie send your arrows out beyond those
formations?"

183

184          Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

185

"I reckon so," he drawled.

"Very well," I said grimly. "The same drill as the
first battle, only this time don't go for the wagons. I
want a half circle of fire around their rear."

As before, the bowstring set up a rhythmic
"thung" as the bowman began to lose shaft after
shaft. This time, however, it seemed the arrows burst
into flame more readily.

"Ease off, youngster," Ajax called. "Yer burnin'
em up before they reach the ground."

He was right. Either I was standing directly on a
force line, or my anger had intensified my energies.
Whatever the reason, I found myself with an incredi-
ble amount of power at my disposal.

"Sorry, Ajax," I shouted, and diverted a portion
of my mind away from the ignition point.

"Tanda!" I called. "Run back and get Gleep!"

"Right, Skeeve," came the reply.

I had a hunch my pet might come in handy before
this brawl was done.

The front row of the army's formation was begin-
ning to advance to the rhythmic pounding of drums.
I ignored them.

"Brockhurst!"

"Here, boss!" the Imp responded, stepping to my
side.

"Have you spotted the commander yet?"

"Not yet," came the bitter reply. "He's probably
buried back in the middle of the formation some-
where."

"Well, climb a tree or something and see if you can
pinpoint him," I ordered.

"Right, boss! When I see him, do you want me to
go after him?"

"No!" I replied grimly. "Report back to me. I

want to handle him myself."

The front line was still advancing. I decided I'd
better do something about it. With a sweep of my
mind, I set fire to the meadow in front of the line's
center. The blocks confronted by this barrier ground
to a halt while the right and left wings continued their
forward movement.

"Gleep!" came a familiar voice accompanied by
an even more familiar blast of bad breath.
"We're back!" Tanda announced unnecessarily.
I ignored them and studied the situation. Plumes
of white smoke rising from behind the Empire's for-
mation indicated that Ajax was almost finished with
his task. Soon, the army would find itself cut off
from any retreat. It was time to start thinking about
our attack. The first thing I needed was more in-
formation.

"Gus!" I said thoughtfully, "I want you to take a
quick flight over their formations. See if you can find
a spot to drop Berfert where he can do some proper
damage."

"Right, boss," the gargoyle grunted, lumbering
forward.

"Wait a minute," I said, a thought occurring to
me. "Tanda, have you still got the invisibility sheet
with you?"

"Right here!" she grinned.

"Good," I nodded. "Gus, take the sheet with you.
Keep it in front of you as long as you can while
you're checking them out. There's no sense drawing
fire until you have to."

The gargoyle accepted the sheet with a shrug.
"If you say so, boss," he muttered. "But they
can't do much to me."

"Use it anyway," I ordered. "Now get moving."

Robert Asprin

186

The gargoyle sprang heavily into the air and
started across the meadow with slow sweeps of his
massive wings. I found it hard to believe anything
that big and made of stone could fly, but I was seeing

it. Maybe he used levitation.

"All set, youngster," Ajax chortled, interrupting

my thoughts. "Anything else I can do for ya?"
"Not just now, Ajax," I replied. "But stand by."
I was glad that portion of my concentration was

free now. This next stunt was going to take all the

energy I could muster.

1 focused my mind on the grass in front of the ad-
vancing left wing. As testimony to the effectiveness
of my efforts, that portion of the line ground to an

immediate halt.

"Say!" Tanda breathed in genuine admiration.

"That's neat."
The effect I was striving for was to have the grass

form itself into an army of Imps, rising from the
ground to confront the Empire's troops. I chose
Imps this time instead of demons because Imps are
shorter, therefore requiring less energy to maintain

the illusion.
Whatever my efforts actually achieved, it was

enough to have the soldiers react. After several
shouted orders from their officers, the troops let fly
a ragged barrage of javelins at the grass in front of
them. The weapons, of course, had no effect on their

phantom foe.

"Say, youngster," Ajax said, nudging me lightly.

"You want me to do something about those jokers

shootin' at our gargoyle?"

I turned slightly to check Gus's progress. The fly-
ing figure had passed over the center line troops, the

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        187

ones my fire was holding in check. The soldiers could
now see the figure behind the invisible sheet, and
were reacting with enviable competence.

The archers in their formation were busy loosing
their shafts at this strange figure that had suddenly
appeared overhead, while their comrades did their
best to reach the gargoyle with hurled javelins.

I saw all this at a glance. I also saw something else.

"Wait a minute, Ajax," I ordered. "Look at
that!"

The various missiles loosed by the center line were
falling to earth in the massed formations of the
troops still awaiting commands. Needless to say, this
was not well received, particularly as they were still
unable to see the actual target of their advance force.
To them, it must have appeared that by some magik
or demonic possession, their allies had suddenly
turned and fired on them.

Now a few blocks began to return the fire, order-
ing their own archers into action. Others responded
by raising their shields and starting forward with
drawn swords.

The result was utter chaos, as the center line troops
tried to defend themselves from the attacks of their
own reinforcements.

Mind you, I hadn't planned it this way, but I was
quick to capitalize on the situation. If the presence of
a gargoyle could cause this kind of turmoil, I thought
it would be a good idea to up the ante a little.

With a quick brush of my mind, I altered Gus's ap-
pearance. Now they had a full-grown dragon hover-
ing over their midst. The effect was spectacular.

I, however, did not allow myself the luxury of
watching. I had learned something in this brief ex-

188          Robert Asprin                                   MYTH CONCEPTIONS

189

change, and I wanted to try it out.

I dissolved my Imp army, then reformed them, not
in front of the troops, but in their midst!

This threw the formations into total disorder. As
the soldiers struck or threw at the phantom figures,
more often than not they struck their comrades in-
stead.

If this kept up, they would be too busy fighting
each other to bother with us.

"Boss!" Brockhurst called, darting up to my side.
"I've got the commander spotted!"

"Where?" I asked grimly, trying not to take my
concentration from the battle raging in the meadow.

The Imp pointed.

Sure enough! There was the Brute, striding angrily
from formation to formation, trying to restore order
to his force.

I heard the telltale whisper of an arrow being
drawn.

"Ajax!" I barked. "Hold your fire. He's mine .. .
all mine!"

As I said this, I dissolved all the Imps in the Brute's
vicinity, and instead changed the commander's fea-
tures until he took on the appearance of Aahz.

The dazed soldiers saw a demon appear in their
midst brandishing a sword, a demon of a type they
knew could be killed. They needed no further
prompting.

I had one brief glimpse of the Brute's startled face
before his troops closed on him, then a forest of
uniforms blotted him from my view.

"Mission accomplished, boss!" Gus announced,
appearing beside me. "What next?"

"What... did you ..." I stammered.

I had forgotten that on his return trip, the invisi-
bility sheet would shield the gargoyle from our view.
His sudden appearance had startled me.

"Berfert'll be along when he gets done with their
siege equipment," Gus continued, waving toward the
enemy.

I looked across the meadow. He was right! The
heavy equipment which had been lined up behind the
army was now in flames.

Then I noticed something else.

The army wasn't fighting each other anymore. I
realized with a start that between settling accounts
with the Brute and Gus's reappearance, I had forgot-
ten to maintain the Imp army!

In the absence of any visible foe, the Empire
troops had apparently come to their senses and were

now milling about trying to reestablish their forma-
tions.

Soon now, they would be ready to attack again.

"What do we do next, boss?" Brockhurst asked
eagerly.

That was a good question. I decided to stall while I
tried to work out an answer.

"I'll draw you a diagram," I said confidently.
"Somebody give me a sword."

"Here, kid. Use mine," Aahz replied, passing me
the weapon.

"Thanks," I said absently. "Now, this line is their
main formation. If we ... Aahz!?"

"Ready and able," my mentor grinned. "Sorry
I'm late."

It was Aahz! He was standing there calmly with his
arms folded as if he had been part of our group all
along. The reactions of the others, however, showed

190 Robert Asprin

that they were as surprised as I was at his appearance.

"But you ..." I stammered. "The fire . . ."

"Oh, that," Aahz shrugged. "About the time I
figured what they were doing, I used the D-Hopper
to blink out to another dimension. The only trouble
was I hadn't gotten around to relabeling the controls
yet, and I had a heck of a time finding my way back
toKlah."

Relief flooded over me like a cool wave. Aahz was
alive! More important, he was here! The prospects
for the battle suddenly looked much better.

"What should we do next, Aahz?" I asked
eagerly.

"I don't know why you're asking me," my mentor
blinked innocently. "It looks like you've been doing
a fine job so far all by yourself."

Terrific! Now that I need advice, I get compli-
ments.

"Look, Aahz," I began sternly. "We've got a bat-
tle coming up that—"

"Boss!" Brockhurst interrupted. "Something's
going on out there!"

With a sinking heart, I turned and surveyed the
situation again.

A new figure had appeared on the scene, an officer
from the look of him. He was striding briskly along
the front of the formation alternately shouting and
waving his hands. Trailing along in his wake was a
cluster of officers, mumbling together and shaking
their hands.

"What in the world is that all about?" I murmured
half to myself.

"Brace yourself, kid," Aahz advised. "If I'm
hearing correctly, it's bad news."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS       191

"C'mon, Aahz," I sighed. "How could things get
worse than they already are?"

"Easy," Aahz retorted. "That is the supreme
commander of the Empire's army. He's here to find
out what's holding up his left flank's advance."

MYTH CONCEPTIONS       193

Chapter
Twenty-Four:

' . . . and then I said to myself, 'Why

should I split it tmo ways-'"

—G. MOUSER

THE supreme commander's name was Big Julie, and
he was completely different from what I had ex-
pected.
For one thing, when he called for a war council,

he came to us. Flanked by his entire entourage of
officers, he came all the way across the meadow
to stand just short of the tree line, and he came un-
armed. What was more, all of his officers were
unarmed, presumably at his insistence.

He seemed utterly lacking in the arrogance so
prevalent in the other officers we had dealt with, in-
viting us into the large tent he had had erected in the
meadow for the meeting. Introducing him to the
members of my force, I noticed he treated them with
great respect and seemed genuinely ^leased to meet

each of them, even Gleep.
Our whole team was present for the meeting. We

figured that if there was ever a time to display our
power, this was it.

In a surprising show of generosity, Aahz broke out
the wine and served drinks to the assemblage. I was a
little suspicious of this. Aahz isn't above doctoring
drinks to win a fight, but when I caught his eye and
raised an eyebrow, he responded with a small shake
of his head. Apparently he was playing this round
straight.

Then we got down to business.

Big Julie heard us out, listening with rapt atten-
tion. When we finished, he sighed and shook his
head.

"Ah'm sorry," he announced. "But I can't do it.
We've got to keep advancing, you know? That's
what armies do!"

"Couldn't you advance in another direction for a
while?" I suggested hopefully.

"Aie!" he exclaimed, spreading his hands defen-
sively. "What do you think I got here, geniuses?
These are soldiers. They move in straight lines, know
what I mean?"

"Do they have to move so vigorously?" Aahz mut-
tered. "They don't leave much behind."

"What can I say?" Big Julie shrugged. "They're
good boys. They do their job. Sometimes they get a
little carried away . . . like the Brute."

I had hoped to avoid the subject of the Brute, but
since it had come up, I decided to face it head on.

"Say ... um ... Julie," I began.

"Big Julie!" one of the officers growled out of the
corner of his mouth.

"Big Julie!" I amended hastily. "About the Brute.
Um ... he was . . . well... I wanted .. ."

"Don't mention it," Julie waved. "You want to

194

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        195

Robert Asprin

know the truth? You did me a favor."

"I did? "I blinked.

"I was getting a little worried about the Brute, you
know what I mean?" the commander raised his
eyebrows. "He was getting a little too ambitious."

"In that case. ..." I smiled.

"Still . . ." Julie continued, "that's a bad way to
go. Hacked apart by your own men. I wouldn't want
that to happen to me."

"You should have fed him to the dragons," Aahz

said bluntly.

"The Brute?" Julie frowned. "Fed to the

dragons? Why?"

"Because then he could have been 'et, too'!"
Apparently this was supposed to be funny, as Aahz

erupted into sudden laughter as he frequently does at

his own jokes. Tanda rolled her eyes in exasperation.
Big Julie looked vaguely puzzled. He glanced at

me, and I shrugged to show I didn't know what was

going on either.

"He's strange," Julie announced, stabbing an ac-
cusing finger at Aahz. "What's a nice boy like you
doing hanging around with strange people? Hey?"

"It's the war," I said apologetically. "You know
what they say about strange bedfellows."

"You seem to be doin' all right for yourself!"
Julie winked, then leered at Tanda.

"You want I should clean up his act, Boss?"
Brockhurst asked grimly, stepping forward.

"See!" Julie exploded. "That's what I mean. This
is no way to learn warfare. Tell you what. Why don't
you let me fix you up with a job, hey? What do you

say to that?"
"What pay scale?" Aahz asked.

"Aahz!" I scowled, then turned back to Julie.
"Sorry, but we've already got a job . . . defending
Possiltum. I appreciate your offer, but I don't want
to leave a job unfinished."

"What have I been telling you?" Julie appealed to
his officers. "All the good material has been taken
already. Why can't you bring me recruits like this,
eh?"

This was all very flattering, but I clung tenaciously
to the purpose of our meeting.

"Um . . . Jul. . . I mean. Big Julie," I continued.
"About defending Possiltum. Couldn't you find
another kingdom somewhere to attack? We really
don't want to have to fight you."

"You don't want to fight?" Julie erupted sar-
castically. "You think / want to fight? You think I
like doing this for a living? You think my boys like
killing and conquering all the time?"

"Well... "I began tactfully.

Big Julie wasn't listening. He was out of his seat
and pacing up and down, gesturing violently to em-
phasize his words.

"What kind of ding-bat wants to fight?" he asked
rhetorically. "Do I look crazy? Do my boys look
crazy? Everybody thinks we got some kind of weird
drive that keeps us going. They think that all we want
to do in the whole world is march around in sweaty
armor and sharpen swords on other people's helmets.
That's what you think too, isn't it? Eh? Isn't it?"

This last was shouted directly at me. By now I was
pretty fed up with being shouted at.

"Yes!" I roared angrily. "That's what I think!"

"Well," Julie scowled. "You're wrong be-
cause—"

196          Robert Asprin

"That's what I think because if you didn't like
doing it, you wouldn't do it!" I continued, rising to

my own feet.

"Just like that!" Julie shouted sarcastically. "Just

stop and walk away."

He turned and addressed his officers.

"He thinks it's easy! Do you hear that? Any of
you who don't like to fight, just stop. Eh? Just like

that."
A low chorus of chuckles rose from his assembled

men. Despite my earlier burst of anger, I found
myself starting to believe him. Incredible as it
seemed, Julie and his men didn't like being soldiers!

"You think we wouldn't quit if we could?" Julie
was saying to me again. "I bet there isn't a man in
my whole army who wouldn't take a walk if he
thought he could get away with it."

Again there was a murmur of assent from his of-
ficers.

"I don't understand," I said, shaking my head.

"If you don't want to fight, and we don't want to
fight, what are we doing here?"

"Did you ever hear of loan sharks?" Julie asked.
"You know about organized crime?"

"Organized crime?" I blinked.

"It's like government, kid," Aahz supplied.

"Only more effective."

"You'd better believe 'more effective,' " Julie
nodded. "That's what we're doing here! Me and
the boys, we got a list of gambling debts like you
wouldn't believe. We're kinda working it off, paying
'em back in land, you know what I mean?"

"You haven't answered my question," I pointed
out. "Why don't you just quit?"

"Quit?" Julie seemed genuinely astonished. "You

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        197

gotta be kidding. If I quit before I'm paid up, they
break my leg. You know?" His wolfish grin left no
doubt the thugs in question would do something a
great deal more fatal and painful than just breaking a
leg.

"It's the same with the boys here. Right, boys?"
He indicated his officers with a wave of his hand.

Vigorous nods answered his wave.

"And you ought to see the collection agent they
use. Kid, you might be a fair magician where you
come from. But"—he shuddered—"this, believe me,
you don't want to see."

Knowing how tough Big Julie was, I believed him.

Giving me a warm smile, he draped his arm around
my shoulders.

"That's why it's really gonna break my heart to
kill you. Ya know?"

"Well," I began, "you don't have to ... KILL
ME?"

"That's right," he nodded vigorously. "I knew
you'd understand. A job's a job, even when you hate
it."

"Whoa!" Aahz interrupted, holding one flattened
hand across the top of the other to form a crude T.
"Hold it! Aren't you overlooking something,
Jules?"

"That's 'Big Julie.' " one of the guards admon-
ished.

"I don't care if he calls himself the Easter
Bunny!" my mentor snarled. "He's still overlooking
something."

"What's that?" Julie asked.

"Us." Aahz smiled, gesturing to the team. "Aside
from the minor detail that Skeeve here's a magician
and not that easy to kill, he's got friends. What do

198

MYTH CONCEPTIONS        199

Robert Asprin

you think we'll be doing while you make a try for our

leader?"

The whole team edged forward a little. None of
them were smiling, not even Gus. Even though they
were my friends who I knew and loved, I had to ad-
mit they looked mean. I was suddenly very glad they

were on my side.

Big Julie, on the other hand, seemed unimpressed.

"As a matter of fact," he smiled, "I expect you to
be dying right along with your leader. That is, unless
you're really good at running."

"Running from what?" Gus growled. "I still think
you're overlooking something. By my count, we've
got you outnumbered. Even if you were armed—"

The supreme commander cut him short with a
laugh. It was a relaxed, confident laugh which no one
else joined in on. Then the laugh disappeared, and he
leaned forward with a fierce scowl.

"Now, I'm only gonna say this once, so alia you
listen close. Big Julie didn't get where he is today by
overlooking nothin'. You think I'm outnumbered?
Well, maybe you'd just better count again."

Without taking his eyes from us, he waved his
hand in a short, abrupt motion. At the signal, one of
his guards pulled a cord and the sides of the tent fell

away.

There were soldiers outside. They hadn't been
there when we entered the tent, but they were there
now. Hoo boy were they. Ranks and ranks of them
completely surrounding the tent, the nearest barely
an arm's length away. The front three rows were
archers, with arrows nocked and drawn, leveled at

our team.
I realized with a sudden calm clarity that I was

about to die. The whole meeting had been a trap, and
it was a good one. Good enough that we would all be
dead if we so much as twitched. I couldn't even kid
myself that I could stop that many arrows if they
were all loosed at once. Gus might survive the bar-
rage, and maybe the others could blip away to
another dimension in time to save themselves, but I
was too far away from Aahz and the D-Hopper to
escape.

"I... um . . . thought war councils were supposed
to be off limits for combat." I said carefully.

"I also didn't get where I am today by playing
fair," Big Julie shrugged.

"You know," Aahz drawled, "for a guy who
doesn't want to fight, you run a pretty nasty war."

"What can I say?" the supreme commander
asked, spreading his hands in helpless appeal. "It's a
job. Believe me, if there was any other way, I'd take
it. But as it is . . ."

His voice trailed off, and he began to raise his arm.
I realized with horror that when his hand came down,
so would the curtain.

"How much time do we have to find another
way?" I asked desperately.

"You don't," Big Julie sighed.

"AND WE DON'T NEED ANY!" Aahz roared
with sudden glee.

All eyes turned toward him, including my own. He
was grinning broadly while listening to something the
Gremlin was whispering in his ear.

"What's that supposed to mean?" the supreme
commander demanded. "And where did this little
blue fella come from? Eh?"

He glared at the encircling troops, who looked at

200

Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 201

each other in embarrassed confusion.

"This is a Gremlin," Aahz informed him, slipping
a comradely arm around the shoulders of his confi-
dant, "And I think he's got the answer to our prob-
lems. All our problems. You know what I mean?"

"What does he mean?" Julie scowled at me. "Do
you understand what he's sayin'?"

"Tell him, Aahz," I ordered confidently, wonder-
ing all the while what possible solution my mentor
could have found to this mess.

"Big Julie," Aahz smiled, "what could those loan
sharks of yours do if you and your army simply
disappeared?"

And so, incredibly, it was ended.
Not with fireworks or an explosion or a battle. But
like a lot of things in my life, in as crazy and off-hand

a way as it had started.

And when it had ended, I almost wished it hadn't.
Because then I had to say good-bye to the team.
Saying good-bye to the team was harder than I
would have imagined. Somehow, in all my planning,
I had never stopped to consider the possibility of
emerging victorious from the war.

Despite my original worries about the team, I
found I had grown quite close to each of them. I
would have liked to keep them around a little longer,
but that would have been impossible. Our next stop
was the capital, and they would be a little too much

to explain away.

Besides, as Aahz pointed out, it was bad for
morale to let the troops find out how much their
commander was being paid, particularly when it was
extremely disproportionate to their own wages.

Following his advice, I paid each of them person-

ally. When I was done, however, I found myself
strangely at a loss for words. Once again, the team
came to my aid.

"Well, boss," Brockhurst sighed. "I guess this is
it. Thanks for everything."

"It's been a real pleasure working for you," Gus
echoed. "The money's nice, but the way I figure it,
Berfert and I owe you a little extra for getting us out
of that slop chute. Anytime you need a favor, look us
up."

"Youngster," Ajax said, clearing his throat, "I
move around a lot, so I'm not that easy to track. If
you ever find yourself in a spot where you think I can
lend a hand, jes' send a message to the Bazaar and
I'll be along shortly."

"I didn't think you visited the Bazaar that often,"
I asked, surprised.

"Normally I don't," the bowman admitted. "But
I will now ... jest in case."

Tanda was tossing her coin in the air and catching
it with practiced ease.

"I shouldn't take this," she sighed. "But a girl's
gottaeat."

"You earned it," I insisted.

"Yea, well, I guess we'll be going," she said,
beckoning to the others. "Take care of yourself,
handsome."

"You will be coming back?" I asked hurriedly.

She made a face.

"I don't think so," she said wryly, "If Grimble
saw us together..."

"I meant, ever," I clarified.

She brightened immediately.

"Sure," she winked. "You won't get rid of me
that easily. Say good-bye to Aahz for me."

202 Robert Asprin

"Say good-bye to him yourself," Aahz growled,
stepping out of the shadows.

"There you are!" Tanda grinned. "Where's the
Gremlin? I thought you two were talking."

"We were," Aahz confirmed, looking around
him. "I don't understand. He was here a minute
ago."

"It's as if he didn't exist, isn't it, Aahz?" I sug-
gested innocently.

"Now look, kid!" my mentor began angrily.

A chorus of laughter erupted from the team. He
spun in that direction to deliver a scathing reply, but
there was .a blip of light and they were gone.

We stood silently together for several moments
staring at the vacant space. Then Aahz slipped an
arm around my shoulder.

"They were a good team, kid," he sighed. "Now
pull yourself together. Triumphant generals don't
have slow leaks in the vicinity of their eyes. It's bad
for the image."

Chapter
Twenty-Five:

"Js everybody happy?"

—MACHIAVELU

AAHZ and I entered the capital at the head of a
jubilant mob of Possiltum citizens.

We were practically herded to the front of the
palace by the crowd pressing us forward. The cheer-
ing was incredible. Flowers and other less identifiable
objects were thrown at us or strewn in our path, mak-
ing the footing uncertain enough that more than once
I was afraid of falling and being trampled. The
people, at least, seemed thoroughly delighted to see
us. All in all, though, our triumphal procession was
almost as potentially injurious to our life and limb as
the war had been.

I was loving it.

I had never had a large crowd make a fuss over me
before. It was nice.

"Heads up, kid," Aahz murmured, nudging me in
the ribs. "Here comes the reception committee."

Sure enough, there was another procession emerg-
ing from the main gates of the palace. It was smaller

203

204 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 205

than ours, but made up for what it lacked in numbers
with the prestige of its members.

The king was front and center, flanked closely by
Grimble and Badaxe. The chancellor was beaming
with undisguised delight. The general, on the other
hand, looked positively grim.

Sweeping the crowd with his eyes, Badaxe spotted
several of his soldiers in our entourage. His dark ex-
pression grew even darker, boding ill for those men. I
guessed he was curious as to why they had failed to
carry out his orders to stop our return.

Whatever he had in mind, it would have to wait.
The king was raising his arms, and the assemblage
obediently fell silent to hear what he had to say.

"Lord Magician," he began, "know that the
cheers of the grateful citizens of Possiltum only echo
my feelings for this service you have done us."

A fresh wave of applause answered him.

"News of your victory has spread before you," he
continued. "And already our historians are record-
ing the details of your triumph ... as much as is
known, that is."

An appreciative ripple of laughter surged through
the crowd.

"While we do not pretend to comprehend the
workings of your powers," the king announced, "the
results speak for themselves. A mighty army of in-
vincible warriors vanished into thin air, weapons and
all. Only their armor and siege machines littering the
empty battlefield mark their passing. The war is won!
The threat to Possiltum is ended forever!"

At this, the crowd exploded. The air again filled
with flowers and shouting shook the very walls of the
palace.

The king tried to shout something more, but it was
lost in the jubilant noise. Finally he shrugged and

reentered the palace, pausing only for a final wave at
the crowd.

I thought it was a rather cheap ploy, allowing him
to cash in on our applause as if it were intended for
him, but I let it go. Right now we had bigger fish to
fry.

Catching the eyes of Grimble and Badaxe, I
beckoned them forward.

"I've got to talk to you two," I shouted over the
din.

"Shouldn't we go inside where it's quieter?"
Grimble shouted back.

"We'll talk here!" I insisted.

"But the crowd ..." the chancellor gestured.

I turned and nodded to a figure in the front row of
the mob. He responded by raising his right arm in a
signal. In response, the men in the forefront of the
crowd locked arms and formed a circle around us,
moving with near military precision. In a twinkling,
there was a space cleared in the teeming populace,
with the advisors, Aahz, Gleep, myself, and the man
who had given the signal standing alone at its center.

"Just a moment," Badaxe rumbled, peering
suspiciously at the circle. "What's going on—"

"General!" I beamed, flashing my biggest smile.
"I'd like you to meet the newest citizen of Pos-
siltum."

Holding my smile, I beckoned the mob leader for-
ward.

"General Badaxe," I announced formally, "meet
Big Julie. Big Julie, Hugh Badaxe!"

"Nice to meet you!" Julie smiled. "The boy here,
he's been tellin' me all about you!"

The general blanched as he recognized the Em-
pire's top commander.

"You!" he stammered. "But you . . . you're—"

206 Robert Asprin

"I hope you don't mind, General," I said
smoothly. "But I've taken the liberty of offering Big
Julie a job ... as your military consultant."

"Military consultant?" Badaxe echoed suspi-
ciously.

"What's the matter," Julie scowled. "Don't you
think I can do it?"

"It's not that," the general clarified hastily. "It's
just that.. .well—"

"One thing we neglected to mention. General,"
Aahz interrupted. "Big Julie here is retiring from ac-
tive duty. He's more than willing to leave the running
of Possiltum's army to you, and agrees to give advice
only when asked."

"That's right!" Julie beamed. "I just wanna sit in
the sun, drink a little wine, maybe pat a few bottoms,
you know what I mean?"

"But the king ..." Badaxe stammered.

". . . . doesn't have to be bothered with it at all,"
Aahz purred. "Unless, of course, you deem it neces-
sary to tell him where your new battle plans are com-
ing from."

"Hmm," the general said thoughtfully. "You sure
you'd be happy with things that way, Julie?"

"Positive!" Julie nodded firmly. "I don't want
any glory, no responsibility, and no credit. I had too
much of that when I was workin' for the Empire, you
know what I mean? Me and the boys talked it over,
and we decided—"

"The boys?" Badaxe interrupted, frowning.

"Um . . . that's another thing we forgot to men-
tion, General," I smiled. "Big Julie isn't the only
new addition to Possiltum's citizenry."

I jerked my head at the circle of men holding back
the crowd.

The general blinked at the men, then swiveled his

MYTH CONCEPTIONS       207

head around noting how many more like them were
scattered through the crowd. He blanched as it
became clear to him both where the Empire's army
had disappeared to, and why his men had been un-
successful in stopping our return to the capital.

"You mean to tell me you—" Badaxe began.

"Happy Possiltum citizens all, General!" Aahz
proclaimed, then dropped his voice to a more con-
fidential level. "I think you'll find that if you should
ever have to draft an army, these new citizens will
train a lot faster than your average plow pusher."

Apparently the general did. His eyes glittered at
the thought of the new force we had placed at his
command. I could see him mentally licking his chops
in anticipation of the next war.

"Big Julie!" he declared with a broad smile. "You
and your ... er ... boys are more than welcome to
settle here in Possiltum. Let me be one of the first to
congratulate you on your new citizenship."

He extended his hand, but there was an obstruc-
tion in his way. The obstruction's name was J.R.
Grimble.

"Just a moment!" the chancellor snarled.
"There's one minor flaw in your plans. It is my
intention to advise the king to disband Possiltum's
army."

"What?" roared Badaxe.

"Let me handle this, General," Aahz said sooth-
ingly. "Grimble, what would you want to do a fool
thing like that for?"

"Why, because of the magician, of course," the
chancellor blinked. "You've demonstrated he is
quite capable of defending the kingdom without the
aid of an army, so I see no reason why we should
continue to bear the cost of maintaining one."

"Nonsense!" Aahz scolded. "Do you think the

208 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 209

great Skeeve has nothing to do with his time but
guard your borders? Do you want to tie up your
high-cost magician doing the job a low-cost soldier
could do?"

"Well..." Grimble scowled.

"Besides," Aahz continued. "Skeeve will be
spending considerable time on the road furthering his
studies . . . which will of course increase his value to
Possiltum. Who will guard your kingdom while he's
away, if not the army?"

"But the cost is ..." Grimble whined.

"If anything," Aahz continued ignoring the chan-
cellor's protests. "I should think you'd want to
expand your army now that your borders have in-
creased in size."

"What's that?" Grimble blinked, "What about
our borders?"

"I thought it was obvious," Aahz said innocently.
"All these new citizens have to settle somewhere . . .
and there is a lot of land up for grabs just north of
here. As I understand it, it's completely unguarded at
the moment. Possiltum wouldn't even have to fight
for it, just move in and settle. That is, of course, pro-
vided you have a strong army to hold it once you've
got it."

"Hmm," the chancellor said thoughtfully, strok-
ing his chin with his hand.

"Then again," Aahz murmured quietly, "there's
all the extra tax money the new citizens and land will
contribute to the kingdom's coffers."

"Big Julie!" Grimble beamed. "I'd like to wel-
come you and your men to Possiltum."

"I'm welcoming him first!" Badaxe growled.
"He's my advisor."

As he spoke, the general dropped his hand to the

hilt of his axe, a move which was not lost on the
chancellor.

"Of course. General," Grimble acknowledged,
forcing a grin. "I'll just wait here until you're
through. There are a few things I want to discuss with
our new citizens."

"While you're waiting, Grimble," Aahz smiled,
"there are a few things we have to discuss with you."

"Such as what?" the chancellor scowled.

"Such as the Court Magician's pay!" my mentor
retorted.

"Of course," Grimble laughed. "As soon as we're
done here we'll go inside and I'll pay him his first
month'swages."

"Actually," Aahz drawled. "What we wanted to
discuss was an increase."

The chancellor stopped laughing.

"You mean a bonus, don't you?" he asked hope-
fully. "I'm sure we can work something out, consid-
ering—"

"I mean an increase!" Aahz corrected firmly.
"C'mon, Grimble. The kingdom's bigger now. That
means the magician's job is bigger and deserves more
pay."

"I'm not sure I can approve that," the chancellor
responded cagily.

"With the increase of your tax base," Aahz
pressed, "I figure you can afford—"

"Now let's be careful," Grimble countered. "Our
overhead has gone up right along with that increase.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if..."

"C'mon, Gleep," I murmured to my pet. "Let's
go see Buttercup."

I had a feeling the wage debate was going to last
for a while.

MYTH CONCEPTIONS       211

Chapter
Twenty-Six:

"All's well that ends well.

-E. A. POE

I WAS spending a leisurely afternoon killing time in
my immense room in the palace.

The bargaining session between Aahz and Grimble
had gone well for us. Not only had I gotten a sub-
stantial wage increase, I was also now housed in a
room which was only a little smaller than Grimble's,
which in turn was second only to the king's in size.
What was more, the room had a large window, which
was nice even if it did look out over the stables. Aahz
had insisted on this, hinting darkly that I might be
receiving winged visitors in the night. I think this
scared me more than it did Grimble, but I got my
window.

When I chose, I could look down from my perch
and keep an eye on Gleep and Buttercup in the
stables. I could also watch the hapless stable boy who
had been assigned to catering to their every need.
That had been part of the deal, too, though I had

210

pushed for it a lot harder than Aahz.

Aahz was housed in the adjoining room, which
was nice, though smaller than mine. The royal ar-
chitects were scheduled to open a door in our shared
wall, and I had a hunch that when they did, the room
arrangement would change drastically. For the mo-
ment, at least, I had a bit of unaccustomed privacy.

The room itself, however, was not what was cur-
rently commanding my attention. My mind was
focused on Garkin's old brazier. I had been trying all
afternoon to unlock its secrets, thus far without suc-
cess. It stood firmly in the center of the floor where I
had first placed it, stubbornly resisting my efforts.

I perched on my windowsill and studied the object
glumly. I could levitate it easily enough, but that
wasn't what I wanted. I wanted it to come alive and
follow me around the way it used to follow Garkin.

That triggered an idea in my mind. It seemed silly,
but nothing else had worked.

Drawing my eyebrows together, I addressed the
brazier without focusing my energies on it.

"Come here!" I thought.

The brazier seemed to waiver for a moment, then it
trotted to my side, clacking across the floor on its
spindly legs.

It worked! Even though it was a silly little detail,
the brazier's obedience somehow made me feel more
like a magician.

"Hey, kid!" Aahz called, barging through my
door without knocking. "Have you got a cork-
screw?"

"What's a corkscrew?" I asked reflexively.

"Never mind," my mentor sighed. "I'll do it
myself."

With that, he shifted the bottle of wine he was

r

212 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 213

holding to his left hand, and inserted the claw on his
right forefinger into the cork. The cork made a soft
pop as he gently eased it from the neck of the bottle,
whereupon the cork was casually tossed into a corner
as Aahz drank deeply of the wine.

"Ahh!" he gasped, coming up for air. "Terrific
bouquet!"

"Um . . . Aahz?" I said shyly, leaving my window
perch and moving to the table. "I have something to
show you."

"First, could you answer a question?" Aahz
asked.

"What?" I frowned.

"Why is that brazier following you around the
room?"

I looked, and was startled to find he was right! The
brazier had scuttled from the window to the table to
remain by my side. The strange part was that I hadn't
summoned it.

"Um . . . that's what I was going to show you," I
admitted. "I've figured out how to get the brazier to
come to me all by itself ... no levitation or
anything."

"Swell," Aahz grunted. "Now, can you make it
stop?"

"Um ... I don't know," I said, sitting down
quickly in one of the chairs.

I didn't want to admit it, but while we were talking
I had tried several mental commands to get the
brazier to go away, all without noticeable effect. I'd
have to work this out on my own once Aahz had left.

"Say, Aahz," I said casually, propping my feet on
the table. "Could you pour me some of that wine?"

Aahz cocked an eyebrow at me, then crossed the

room slowly to stand by my side.

"Kid," he said gently, "I want you to look around
real carefully. Do you see anybody here except you
and me?"

"No, "I admitted.

"Then we're in private, not in public . . . right?"
he smiled.

"That's right, "I agreed.

"Then get your own wine, apprentice!" he roared,
kicking my chair out from under me.

Actually, it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I exerted
my mind before I hit the floor and hovered safely in
thin air. From that position, I reached out with my
mind and lifted the bottle from Aahz's hand, trans-
ferring it to my own.

"If you insist," I said casually, taking a long pull
on the bottle.

"Think you're pretty smart, don't you!" Aahz
snarled, then he grinned. "Well, I guess you are at
that. You've done pretty well... for an amateur."

"A professional," I corrected with a grin. "A
salaried professional."

"I know." Aahz grinned back. "For an amateur,
you're pretty smart. For a professional you've got a
lot to learn."

"C'mon, Aahz!" I protested.

"But that can wait for another day," Aahz con-
ceded. "You might as well relax for a while and en-
joy yourself... while you can."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I frowned.

"Nothing!" Aahz shrugged innocently. "Nothing
at all."

"Wait a minute, Aahz," I said sharply, regaining
my feet. "I'm Court Magician now, right?"

214 Robert Asprin MYTH CONCEPTIONS 215

"That's right, Skeeve," my mentor nodded.

"Court Magician is the job you pushed me into
because it's so easy, right?" I pressed.

"Right again, kid." He smiled, his nodding be-
coming even more vigorous.

"Then nothing can go wrong? Nothing serious?" I
asked anxiously.

Aahz retrieved his wine bottle and took a long
swallow before answering.

"Just keep thinking that, kid." He grinned. "It'll
help you sleep nights."

"C'mon, Aahz!" I whined. "You're supposed to
be my teacher. If there's something I'm missing,
you've got to tell me. Otherwise I won't leam."

"Very well, apprentice." Aahz smiled, evilly em-
phasizing the word. "There are a few things you've
overlooked,"

"Such as?" I asked, writhing under his smile.

"Such as Gus, Ajax, and Brockhurst, who you just
sent back to Deva without instructions."

"Instructions?" I blinked.

"Tanda we don't have to worry about, but the
other three—"

"Wait a minute, Aahz," I interrupted before he
got too far from the subject. "What instructions?"

"Instructions not to talk about our little skirmish
here," Aahz clarified absently. "Tanda will know
enough to keep her mouth shut, but the others
won't."

"You think they'll talk?"

"Is a frog's behind watertight?" Aahz retorted.

"What's a frog?" I countered.

"Money in their pockets, fresh from a successful
campaign against overwhelming odds ... of course

they'll talk!" Aahz thundered. "They'll talk their
fool heads off to anyone who'll listen. What's more,
they'll embellish it a little more with each telling until
it sounds like they're the greatest fighters ever to spit
teeth and you're the greatest tactician since Gronk!"

"What's wrong with that?" I inquired, secretly
pleased. I didn't know who Gronk was, but what
Aahz was saying had a nice ring to it.

"Nothing at all." Aahz responded innocently.
"Except now the word will be out as to who you are,
where you are, and what you are . . . also that you're
for hire and that you subcontract. If there's any place
in all the dimensions that folks will take note of in-
formation like that, it's the Bazaar."

Regardless of what my mentor may think, I'm not
slow. I realized in a flash the implications of what he
was saying . . . realized them and formulated an
answer.

"So we suddenly get a lot of strange people drop-
ping in on us to offer jobs, or looking for work," I
acknowledged. "So what? All that means is I get a
lot of practice saying 'No.' Who knows, it might im-
prove my status around here a little if it's known that
I regularly consult with strange beings from other
worlds."

"Of course," Aahz commented darkly, "there's
always the chance that someone at the Bazaar will
hear that the other side is thinking of hiring you and
decide to forcibly remove you from the roster. Either
that, or some young hotshot will want to make a
name for himself by taking on this unbeatable magi-
cian everyone's talking about."

I tried not to show how much his grim prophecy
had unnerved me. Then I realized he would probably

216          Robert Asprin

MYTH CONCEPTIONS

217

keep heaping it on until he saw me sweat. Conse-
quently, I sweated ... visibly.

"I hadn't thought of that, Aahz," I admitted. "I
guess I did overlook something there."

"Then again there's Grimble and Badaxe," Aahz
continued as if he hadn't heard me.

"What about Grimble and Badaxe?" I asked ner-
vously.

"In my estimation," Aahz yawned, "the only way
those two would ever work together would be against
a common foe. In my further estimation, the best
candidate for that 'common foe' position is you!"

"Me?" I asked in a very small voice.

"You work it out, kid," my mentor shrugged.
"Until you hit the scene there was a two-way power
struggle going as to who had the king's ear. Then you
came along and not only saved the kingdom, you in-
creased the population, expanded the borders, and
added to the tax base. That makes you the most
popular and therefore the most influential person in
the king's court. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think
Grimble and Badaxe are going to just sigh and accept
that. It's my guess they'll 'double team' you and at-
tack anything you say or do militarily and mone-
tarily, and that's a tough one-two punch to counter."

"Okay. Okay. So there were two things I over-
looked," I said. "Except for that—"

"And of course there's the people Big Julie and his
men owe money to," Aahz commented thoughtfully.
"I wonder how long it will be before they start nosing
around looking for an explanation as to what hap-
pened to an entire army? More important, I wonder
who they'll be looking for by name to provide them
with that explanation?"

"Aahz?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Do you mind if I have a little more of that
wine?"

"Help yourself, kid. There's lots."

I had a hunch that was going to be the best news I
would hear for a long time.