Isaac Asimov

                         THE PRIME OF LIFE

                It was, in truth, an eager youth
                         Who halted me one day.
                He gazed in bliss at me, and this
                         Is what he had to say:

                "Why, mazel tov, it's Asimov,
                         A blessing on your head!
                For many a year, I've lived in fear
                         That you were long since dead.

                Or if alive, one fifty-five
                         Cold years had passed you by,
                And left you weak, with poor physique,
                         Thin hair and rheumy eye.

                For sure enough, I've read your stuff
                         Since I was but a lad
                And couldn't spell or hardly tell
                         The good yarns from the bad.

                My father, too, was reading you
                         Before he met my Ma.
                For you he earned, once he had learned
                         About you from _his_ Pa.

                Since time began, you wondrous man,
                         My ansestors did love
                That s.f. dean and writing machine
                         The aged Asimov."

                I'd had my fill. I said: "Be still!
                         I've kept my old-time spark.
                My step is light, my eye is bright,
                         My hair is thick and dark."

                His smile, in brief, spelled disbelief,
                         So this is what I did;
                I scowled, you know, and with one blow,
                         I killed that rotten kid.

                                                1966

                Author's remark: "Mazel tov" is a Hebrew
                phrase  meaning "good fortune" and it is
                used  by Jews  as a  joyfyl  greeting on
                jubilant  occasions  - as a meeting with
                me should surely be.

                       I JUST MAKE THEM UP, SEE!

                Oh, Dr A.-
                Oh, Dr A.-
                There is something (don't go 'way)
                That I'd like to hear you say.
                Though I'd rather die
                Than try
                To pry,
                The fact, you'll find,
                Is that my mind
                Has evolved the jackpot question for today.

                I intend no cheap derision,
                So please answer with decision,
                And, discarding all your petty cautious fears,
                Tell the secret of your vision!
                How on earth
                Do you give birth
                To those crazy and impossible ideas?

                It is indigestion
                And a question
                Of the nightmare that results?
                Of your eyeballs whirling,
                Twirling,
                Fingers curling
                And unfurling
                While your blood beats maddened chimes
                As it keeps impassioned times
                With your thick, uneven pulse?

                It is _that_, you think, or liquor
                That brings on the wildness quicker?
                For a teeny
                Weeny
                Dry martiny
                May be just your private genie;
                Or perhaps those Tom and Jerries
                You will find the very
                Berries
                For inducing
                And unloosing
                That weird gimmick or that kicker;
                Or an awful
                Combination
                Of unlawful
                Stimulation,
                Marijuana plus tequilla,
                That will give you just that feel o'
                Things a-clicking
                And unsticking
                As you start for celebration
                To the crazy syncopation
                Of a brain a-tocking-ticking.

                Surely _something_, Dr A.,
                Makes you you fey
                And quite _outre_.
                Since I read you with devotion,
                Won't you give me just a notion
                Of that shrewdy pepper-up potion
                Out of which emerge your plots?
                That wild secret bubbly mixture
                That has made you such a fixture
                In most favoured s.f. spots -

                Now, Dr A.,
                Don't go away -

                Oh, Dr A.-

                Oh, Dr A.-

                                         1957

                   THE FOUNDATION OF S.F. SUCCESS

                   (With apologies to W.S.Gilbert)

      If you ask me how to shine in the science-fiction line as a
               pro of luster bright,
      I say, practice up the lingo of the sciences, by jingo (never
               mind if not quite right).
      You may talk of Space and Galaxies and tesseractic fallacies
               in slick and mystic style,
      Though the fans won't understand it, they will all the same
               demand it with a softly hopeful smile.

          And all the fans will say,
          As you walk your spatial way,
          If that young man indulges in fights through all the Galaxy,
          Why, what a most imaginative type of man that type of man must be.

      So success is not a mystery, just brush up on your history, and
               borrow day by day.
      Take the Empire that was Roman and you'll find it is at
               home in all the starry Milky Way.
      With a drive that's hyperspatial, through the parsecs you will
               race, you'll find that plotting is a breeze,
      With a tiny bit of cribbin' from the works of Edward Gibbon
               and that Greek, Thycydides.

          And all the fans will say,
          As you walk your thoughtful way,
          If that young man involves himself in authentic history,
          Why, what a very learned kind of high IQ, his high IQ must be.

      Then eschew all thoughts of passion of a man-and-woman
               fashion from your hero's thoughtful mind.
      He must spend his time on politics, and thinking up his
               shady tricks, and outside that he's blind.
      It's enough he's had a mother, other females are a bother,
               though they're jeveled and glistery,
      They will just distract his dreaming and his nessesary
               scheming with that psychohistory.

          And all the fans will say
          As you walk your narrow way,
          If all his yarns restrict themselves to masculinity,
          Why, what a most particularly pure young man that pure
               young man must be.

                                                           1954

                         THE AUTHOR'S ORDEAL

                   (With apologies to W.S.Gilbert)

      Plots, helter-skelter, teem within your brain;
          Plots, s.f. plots, devised with joy and gladness;
      Plots crowd your skull and stubbornly remain,
          Until you're driven into hopeless madness.

      When you're with your best girl and your mind's in a whirl
               and you don't hear a thing that she's saying;
      Or at Symphony Hall you are gone past recall and you can't
               tell a note that they're playing;
      Or you're driving a car and have not gone too far when you
               find that you're sped through a red light,
      And on top of that, lord! you have sideswiped a Ford, and
               have broken your one working headlight;
      Or your boss slaps your back (having made some smart crack)
               and you stare at him, stupidly blinking;
      Then you say something dumb so he's sure you're a crumb,
               and are possibly given to drinking.
      When events such as that have been knocking you flat, do not
               blame supernatural forces;
      If you write s.f. tales, you'll be knocked off your rails, just
               as sure as the stars in their courses.
      For your plot-making mind will stay deaf, dumb and blind to
               the dull facts of life that will hound you,
      While the wonders of space have you close in embrace and
               the glory of star beams surround you.

      You begin with a ship that is caught on a skip into hyperspace
               en route for Castor,
      And has found to its cost that it seems to be lost in a Galaxy
               like ours, but vaster.
      You're a little perplexed as to what may come next and you
               make up a series of creatures
      Who are villains and liars with such evil desires and with
               perfectly horrible features.
      Our brave heroes are faced with these hordes and are placed
               in a terribly crucial position,
      For the enemy's bound (once our Galaxy's found) that they'll
               beat mankind into submission.
      Now you must make it rough when developing stuff so's to
               keep the yarn pulsing with tension,
      So the Earthmen are four (only four and no more) while the
               numbers of foes are past mention.
      Our four heroes are caught and accordingly brought to the
               sneering, tyrannical leaders.
      "Where is Earth?" they demand, but the men mutely stand
               with a courage that pleases the readers.

      But, now, wait just a bit; let's see, this isn't it, since you
               haven't provided a maiden,
      Who is both good and pure (yet with sexy allure) and with
               not many clothes overladen.
      She is part of the crew, and so she's captured, too, and is
               ogled by foes who are lustful;
      There's desire in each eye and there's good reason why, for of
               beauty our girl has a bustful.
      Just the same you go fast till this section is passed so the
               reader won't raise any ruction,
      When recalling the foe are all reptiles and so have no interest
               in human seduction.
      Then they truss up the girl and they make the whips swirl
               just in order to break Earthmen's silence,
      And so that's when our men breaks their handcuffs and then
               we are treated to scenes full of violence.
      Every hero from Earth is a fighter from birth and his fists are
               a match for a dozen,
      And they just when this spot has been reached in your plot
               you come to with your mind all a buzzin'.

      You don't know where you are, or the site of your car, and
               your tie is askew and you haven't a clue of the time of
               the day or of what people say or the fact that they stare
               at your socks (not a pair) and decide it's a fad, or else
               that you're mad, which is just a surmise from the gleam
               in your eyes, till at last they conclude from your general
               mood, you'll be mad from right now till you're hoary.
      But the torture is done and it's now for the fun and the paper
               that's white and the words that are right, for you've
               worked up a new s.f. story.

                                                                  1957