Captain's Log, Stardate 42859.2.
We are in orbit around Antede III
awaiting the arrival of two dignitaries.
Our mission is to escort them
to a conference on planet Pacifica
where they will be given the opportunity
to join the Federation.
I thought you might find this interesting, Mr. Crusher.
Few humans have seen an Antedean in the flesh.
( transporter hums )
Welcome.
I'm Jean-Luc Picard
Captain of the Enterprise.
( soft, wheezing breaths )
Are they all right, sir?
Yes.
This is their preferred way of space travel.
Their physical condition is good enough
considering the circumstances.
It is a self-induced catatonic state--
their way of dealing
with the trauma of space flight.
Will we try to revive them?
No, not until we reach the Pacifica conference
three days from now.
Doctor, have you prepared a sick bay facility
to accommodate our guests?
Well, as soon as I can make some adjustments.
Their physiology is unusual.
You can store them for a few hours?
Sure, I'll have them kept here out of the way.
Mr. Worf, provide security.
Aye, sir.
What's in that container?
Vermicula.
It's their food.
When they come out of stasis
they'll be very hungry.
They eat this?
In great quantities.
What a handsome race.
So, what did you think of the Antedeans, Wesley?
They are rather strange looking, Commander.
Judging a being by its physical appearance
is the last major human prejudice, Wesley.
Point is well-taken, Mr. Data.
I'm sure that, to the Antedeans, we are equally unattractive.
Captain, we are being hailed
by a small transport vessel just coming into range.
Oh, my God.
What's the problem?
What's she doing here?
WESLEY: On screen, Captain.
Starship Enterprise, come in.
RIKER: We have you on viewer, pilot.
Enterprise, I have a passenger, a VIP passenger who I more...
Oh, let me talk to them.
I'm sure I'm more articulate than that.
Mother.
DATA: Captain.
We are receiving Starfleet orders granting a Lwaxana...
Lwaxana Troi--
Daughter of the Fifth House
Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx
heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed.
...full ambassadorial status, sir.
It looks like it's back into that dress uniform, sir.
And yours as well, Commander.
She is listed as representing the Betazed government
at the conference.
Mother, please, don't do this to me.
Do what to you, Little One?
Oh, Jean-Luc, what naughty thoughts.
But how wonderful you still think of me like that.
Space, the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.
Its continuing mission--
to explore strange new worlds
to seek out new life and new civilizations
to boldly go where no one has gone before.
It's so like my mother to do the unexpected.
Well, it will be... pleasant
to have her as a guest of the Enterprise again.
Energize.
Legs! Where are the legs?
Where they belong, Mother, right under you.
Oh, I hate that.
I will never completely trust this device, Jean-Luc.
Captain Picard, Mother.
( startled cry )
Explain to her.
I'm sorry they startled you, Mrs. Troi.
They're Antedean delegates.
They're being stored here temporarily.
Delegates?
Last time I saw something like that
it was being served on a plate.
Oh, darling.
Ah!
LWAXANA: Well, well, well.
And you, Jean-Luc
I wasn't aware you had such handsome legs.
My valet is waiting.
You may beam him aboard now.
You remember Mr. Homn, of course.
It would be hard to forget Mr. Homn.
I've retained his services
despite the outlandishly lustful thoughts
he spews in my direction.
You can put that down, Homn.
We can't deny the Captain the honor
of carrying my belongings.
I will not interfere
with Mr. Homn's duties this time.
Now, that's not what you're really thinking, Jean-Luc.
You forget I'm a telepath.
Mrs. Troi, since this is obviously significant to you...
I'll...
I'll carry it.
Just down this corridor.
He has nice legs too, Little One.
Is he still yours?
Humans no longer own each other that way, Mother.
Really?
That's a custom we may have to introduce again.
Thank you.
Glad to help.
Well, I trust you will be comfortable here.
If you will excuse me.
Um, I am serving a Betazoid dinner
of greeting tonight, Captain.
It is an Ambassadorial function.
It sounds delightful.
He's a fine man.
He's solid, he's reliable.
He's a little bit on the stuffy side
but, all in all, he's not that bad.
I can't believe you, Mother.
You sound like you're sizing up a commodity.
But that's exactly what men are, darling, especially human men.
Was your father
ever unhappy with me?
No, he worshipped you.
But I don't think I'll ever learn to see men the way you do.
You will as you mature, darling
and the men in your life are going to bless you for it.
You're so beautiful.
And she actually complimented Captain Picard on his legs?
I would have thought a telepath
would be more discreet, sir.
RIKER: Exactly the opposite.
She knows what's on your mind
and she lets you know what's on hers.
PICARD: Gentlemen.
I think we must not lose sight of the fact
that we are talking about someone
who has been granted ambassadorial rank.
Even though she may appear somewhat eccentric
Lwaxana Troi must be treated with the appropriate respect.
Is that understood?
Picard to Pulaski.
Yes, Captain?
When did you last look in on the Antedean guests?
Doing so right now, Captain.
Are they still catatonic?
Status of the beings is unchanged.
Pulse, still steady.
Respiration, normal for them.
Understood.
Keep me informed.
Picard out.
I'll be in my quarters.
It will be a dress uniform dinner, gentlemen.
Sir?
To which dinner was the Captain referring, sir?
Nothing I've been invited to.
Have any of you?
Very interesting.
Doctor.
You're not attending the dinner
with the rest of us this evening?
Why, I've already eaten, but thanks, Captain.
I seem to be a little early.
I'm sure the others will be here soon.
The other officers-- Commander Riker, Counselor Troi?
Hello, Jean-Luc.
So glad you could come.
A toast to Earthmen
who, despite their many faults
have that unique ability
to charm women of all races
in all corners of the galaxy.
Speaking on behalf of men of Earth--
which is indeed an awesome responsibility--
I thank you.
I know what you're thinking, Captain.
You do?
You're wondering whether I'm seeing any other man
on a serious basis.
Well, actually, I wasn't...
Ah, I wouldn't worry about it, Jean-Luc.
Competition seems to bring out the best
in the human male.
The fact is, I, um...
I was not expecting this setting.
I had assumed that my senior bridge officers
would be attending.
You never assume anything where Lwaxana Troi is concerned.
Betazoid women are full of surprises.
Ah, strange.
I'm not really very hungry tonight.
I wonder what's made me lose my appetite.
Any ideas?
( gong rings )
Of course.
You're giving thanks for your food.
I had forgotten about that.
I wonder how many other cultures have similar customs.
I don't know.
Well, let's find out.
Commander Data.
Yes, Captain.
Mrs. Troi and I are having a very interesting discussion
about various societies' ways of giving thanks.
The Betazoids' use of the chime, for instance.
The use of the chime is quite unique
but not at all dissimilar
to the Ooolans of Marejaretus VI
who use two large stones
which are continuously struck together during the meal.
Those at the dinner must eat until the stones are broken.
Or the Oligarchy at Atifs IV which requires a young...
Data, this is fascinating.
Don't you agree
Mrs. Troi?
Commander, if your duties permit
why don't you join us for dessert?
I'm sure that Mrs. Troi would much appreciate
the pleasure of your company.
What?
Indeed, sir.
I am on my way.
Data out.
How could you possibly think
I would want to share our special time together
with that, that, that robot of yours?
Because of Data's wonderful after-dinner conversation.
His anecdotes are the stuff of legends
aboard this ship.
So, by using the square root of pi
and multiplying it by nine to the third power
I was about to accurately calculate the distance
between the Omicron system
and the Crab Nebula.
Oh, fascinating, Data.
Absolutely fascinating.
I'm sure Mrs. Troi
would love to hear
the one about the anomalous chemical composition
of brown dwarf stars.
Not really.
Yes, Captain
that is a particularly spellbinding subject.
In most stars, the rare Earth element europium
is enriched relative to samarium and gadolinium.
That so?
It is.
However...
Your mother seems quite an interesting woman, Deanna.
Hmm. Perhaps I should tell you something
about my mother's condition at this time.
Condition at this time?
It's something that occurs to Betazed females
as they enter midlife.
We call it "the phase."
Midlife, as in a human female's menopause?
Similar.
It's only at midlife that a Betazoid female becomes...
well, fully sexual, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I think I do.
I also think that I saw the Captain
on his way to her quarters.
I wonder if I shouldn't warn him?
No.
As ship's doctor
I consider it an excellent exercise
for his reflexes and agility.
Doctor!
For staying ahead of your mother.
Yes.
An animal is always at its best when hunted.
Or when hunting.
...and, at this point, the second co-orbital satellite
avoids a collision with the first...
Deanna, darling, thank the Four Deities you're here.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, I must, as a matter of fact, be getting back to the Bridge.
Captain, perhaps I should remain and further entertain our guest.
No.
I mean, I'm sure you're needed on the Bridge as well.
Well, thank you for... a delicious meal.
We must do this again sometime.
I know we will.
Well, Little One
the Captain is every bit as charming as your father was.
Mm.
( gong rings )
( sighs )
Data, you will never know
how much I owe you for that.
Indeed, Captain.
I know many more interesting anecdotes, sir.
For example...
Data.
Sir?
Later.
Yes, sir.
Why would you come aboard at a time like this?
Well, I had no choice.
I was going to Pacifica, you were going to Pacifica.
Don't be absurd, Mother.
You knew what would happen.
What stage is it in?
Oh, I have it completely under control.
What stage is it in?
Well, far enough along for me to enjoy it, Little One.
Now I know why you wore that dress.
Don't be ridiculous, this simple little dress?
Nothing provocative about it.
What are we going to do?
Well, I'm going to do the only honorable thing there is to do.
And I'd say your Captain has the inside track.
Mother, don't even think it.
Why not?
He was thinking about it all through dinner.
( sighs )
I was what?
I tell you, Deanna, for a telepath
your mother's accuracy leaves much to be desired.
Actually, her telepathic prowess
is quite advanced, except for now.
Except for now?
Don't misunderstand me, Counselor.
Your mother is a beautiful person.
My mother is beginning a physiological phase.
It's one that all Betazoid women
must deal with as they enter midlife.
Yes, it's something Troi warned me about
when we first started to see each other.
A Betazoid woman, when she goes through this phase
quadruples her sex drive.
Or more.
Or more?
You never told me that.
I didn't want to frighten you.
She has opted
for the only dignified option open to her.
Isolation?
She has decided to focus
all her sexual energy on one male
who will, of course, eventually become her husband.
It seems, Captain
that you are the early favorite.
Congratulations, sir.
I'm not amused, Number One.
There must be some way to convince her
that it's quite impossible
without offending her.
You cannot apply human-style logic to this, Captain.
A Betazoid woman in the phase
would be shocked and deeply resentful
should you spurn any such advances.
She would take it personally.
Well, under the circumstances
I think it would be... prudent
if I were to make myself less available
for the duration of the journey.
Agreed.
Setting-- San Francisco, California
United States of America.
The year-- 1941 AD.
The office of Dixon Hill, private investigator.
Program complete.
You may enter when ready.
Hi, Dix.
Madeline.
Good to see you again.
You're too much, Dix.
You make it sound like you ain't seen me in a year.
( giggles )
You got two calls.
They're on your desk.
New cases?
Are you kidding?
The last time we had a new case
Hitler and Stalin were bosom buddies.
The landlord came by.
He wants the geedus, or he wants you out.
The geedus?
The moolah, Dix, the rent.
And since we're on the subject
it's been a month since I seen anything.
Now, I know it's been tough
since you got out of the hospital
but I got responsibilities.
Then I suppose I had better get a case.
It wouldn't hurt.
( "Let's Get Away from It All" plays )
♪ Let's take a boat to Bermuda ♪
♪ Let's take a plane to Saint Paul ♪
♪ Let's grab a kayak to Quincy or Nyack ♪
♪ Let's get away from it all ♪
♪ Let's take a trip in a trailer ♪
♪ No need to come back at all ♪
♪ Let's take a powder to Boston for chowder ♪
♪ Let's get away from it all... ♪
Unavailable?
Ship's business?
You mean ship's business takes precedence over me?
I'm afraid so, Mother.
Oh, well, he was too old for me anyway.
Homn.
Perhaps we should consider my alternate plan.
Alternate plan?
Oh, you worry too much, Little One.
You mother has the situation well in hand.
( radio music continues )
There's a gentleman here to see you, Mr. Hill.
And he doesn't look
like a client.
Hill, the name is Slade Bender.
Excuse me.
( turns off music )
What can I do for you, Mr. Bender?
It's about Alva.
You'll have to be a little more precise.
Okay, you want to play stupid
that's jake with me.
A week ago, a man came in here.
He wanted you to find his girlfriend, name's Alva.
Did I find her?
You know, you're getting on my nerves.
You found her, all right.
Face down in the river.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we're all broken up about it.
Especially the boyfriend, who has been indicted for murder.
And what are you here to do?
Ask for a refund?
Nah, I'm here to kill you.
Computer, freeze program!
( computer beeps )
Computer, this isn't what I wanted at all.
It's much too violent.
I'm here to relax, not to dodge bullets.
Reconfigure.
COMPUTER: Please define.
More... ambiance.
Less... substance.
Do you wish to leave the holodeck and reenter
or continue from this point?
No, I will continue.
Program complete.
You may continue.
There's a gentleman here to see you, Mr. Hill.
Thank you, Madeline.
You a private dick?
That's what it says on my door.
Is that supposed to be funny?
Because if it is, you got to know
that I ain't in the mood for funny.
Now, I came here on serious business.
There's a job I want you to do for me.
Computer, freeze program.
( computer beeps )
Clear.
Computer, this still isn't right.
One kind of violence has been substituted for another.
Reconfigure.
COMPUTER: You may continue.
Thank you.
You're through ducking me, Hill!
Computer, freeze program!
( computer beeps )
Variations on a theme.
Computer, perhaps I am not clearly defining my intent.
COMPUTER: The flexibility of the program is limited
to the parameters of the Dixon Hill novels.
Yes, of course.
Even in this state, they possess a certain dignity.
A graceful countenance.
If you say so, Lieutenant.
I see.
Is this how you felt when you first saw me?
Well, maybe at first, a little.
But now that I've seen more Klingons
I've come to think you're handsome
for a Klingon.
That didn't quite come out the way I meant, sir.
( gasping )
I still say
they'd look better in sauce.
When will the good Captain revive them?
Not until we reach Pacifica, ma'am.
Oh.
You seem a fine boy.
One day you'll grow up to be a big, strong man
but I'm afraid I cannot afford to wait for you to mature.
Now that's more like it.
Your thoughts, they're primal, savage.
I like that in a man.
I am not a man.
Well, which is in your favor--
men so often being irrational and egotistical.
But, unfortunately
I've grown accustomed to human companionship.
Pity.
You'd have made
a fine choice.
Well, who's next, Mr. Homn?
Ah, yes.
Let's to it.
I'm not getting any younger.
What was that all about?
So, Madeline, I'll see you later.
Activate program.
Leaving, Dix?
Uh-huh.
You're not going to Rex's Bar, are you?
Rex's Bar.
Why do you ask?
It's one of the messages I left on your desk.
Well, that sounds like an excellent idea.
Would you care to join me?
Me? Have a drink with you?
Why not?
There ain't no "why not" about it.
It's just that this is the first time you ever asked.
Is that a problem?
Not for me.
But you better take this.
Why?
Because if we're going to Rex's Bar
you're going to need it.
( '40s ballad plays softly )
( laughter and conversation )
Hey, Dix, what do you know and what do you say?
See this?
Germany's getting ready to invade England.
Who's going to stop them?
Somebody better.
Just as long as it isn't us.
The last thing America needs to do
is fight in another World War.
Actually, the Second World War, although disastrous
did end with the United States taking its place
as a dominant world power and cultural influence
in the second half of the 20th century.
Additionally, that war was a catalyst
of technological advancement.
Developments in rocketry and fission
resonate on into the 24th century.
I don't know if I should pour you one, Dix.
Sounds like you got a snootful already.
What's this?
The usual.
Uh-huh, ah yes. Now let me see.
That would be, uh, scotch, neat.
What else?
Mm-hmm.
And for the lady?
Rye and ginger.
Money.
I keep forgetting the need to carry money.
I must remember not to let this happen again.
Right.
I don't mind you being on the cuff
but you're up the sleeve halfway to my collar.
Is that why you wanted to see me, about my bar bill?
No, it's on account of Jimmy Cuzzo.
Jimmy Cuzzo-- I know that name.
He's why I gave you the gun.
What was the name of that case he was involved in?
The Parrot's Claw.
Geez, Dix.
Cuzzo is the guy who iced Marty O'Farron.
They never would have nailed him if it hadn't been for you.
Your testimony got him arranged.
Yeah.
Yours and mine.
So, you brought me here
because you didn't want to face him alone.
I don't want to face him at all.
I'm hoping that seeing us together
will slow him up long enough
to get some things straight.
And if it doesn't?
Then you'll just have to kill him.
Bridge, this is Dr. Pulaski.
We've just completed the transfer.
The Antedeans are now in Sick Bay.
Acknowledged, Doctor.
Mother, what are you doing here?
You can't just stroll onto the Bridge
whenever you feel like it.
But I didn't just stroll on, dear.
I took that turbo tube, or whatever you call it.
Uh, the Captain's not here?
Um, he is busy elsewhere, ma'am.
Oh, well...
I have other interests as well.
You're scheming something, Mother.
Don't try to fool me-- I can tell.
You're always so melodramatic, Little One.
I'm not scheming, I'm deciding.
Mother, not him.
And why not him?
He's adorable.
Pulaski to Bridge.
Riker here.
The Antedeans are coming around.
They are currently in the early stages of post-hibernation.
How long until they're fully conscious?
I'd guess it to be a matter of hours now.
Very well. I'll inform the Captain.
If you'll excuse me, ma'am.
You're going to see the Captain?
But I thought he was tied up on ship's business.
In a manner of speaking, he is.
I'm not going to be disturbing him.
I'll just give him the message.
Oh, excellent timing.
Then you may also inform him about us.
Us?
You don't mind
if I let our ship's crew know first, do you, William?
Uh, friends...
dear friends.
You are all invited
to a prestigious occasion on the planet Pacifica.
No.
There, on the shores of the Western sea
in a traditional Betazoid ceremony
your Commander Riker and I
will be joined in the union of matrimony.
Married?
Until death us do part.
Mrs. Troi, I don't know how to tell you this...
Oh, I know how you feel, dear.
You're overwhelmed with excitement.
Oh, believe me, I understand.
We'll talk about the details later.
Right now, there are preparations to be made.
Why did you stop me?
Somebody needs to set her straight.
I think I'll leave that to the Captain.
Coward.
Commander, are you planning on going into the holodeck?
I thought I might.
Would you like to join me?
Could you postpone our departure for just five minutes, sir?
No problem.
You said you had responsibilities.
What exactly did you mean?
You know about my mother's cousin.
The girl from San Antonio I told you about?
Jimmy.
I'm as jumpy as Haircut Lapinski
trying to land on a fraction.
Sorry to bother you, Captain.
Captain?
Call me Dix.
Sorry to bother you, Dix.
But our two passengers have awakened.
Oh, then it's time for me to go.
What about Jimmy Cuzzo?
You can't leave Rex to face him alone.
I'll be back before Jimmy Cuzzo arrives.
I guarantee, it will be taken care of.
Just relax.
Your friends have time for one drink
haven't they, Dix?
Oh, yes, of course.
One more round.
These are my associates.
This is "Nails" from Chicago
and this is, uh...
Carlos.
From South America.
This is Madeline, my secretary
and I want you to meet Rex...
You know, I don't think I ever heard your last name.
Hmm, don't think I have one.
Just Rex, that's all.
So, fellas, tell me your troubles.
Well, troubles.
We've got some, Captain.
It seems that a certain woman-- both wealthy and beautiful--
now thinks that she's going to marry me.
She's got looks and bucks?
Sounds like you've got yourself one heck of a deal.
Oh, my fiancé just has to see how I look in this.
Come along, Homn.
Hello, uh... computer?
Is Commander Riker still on the Bridge?
Negative.
Riker is currently in Holodeck 3.
Holodeck?
Where is that?
Follow the com panel lights.
They will lead you there.
Com...? Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Good God, what's that?
I bet that's the broad with the big bucks.
Hey, come on over here, darling.
I've got the best stool in the house
saved for you.
So this is where you've been hiding, Jean-Luc.
I'm surprised you let this part of the ship get this dirty.
Oh, relax, Commander.
You've been making your true feelings quite clear.
Obviously, you feel unable to handle me.
Anyway, why would a beautiful, high-class lady like yourself
want to hook up with a mug like that?
You're too good for him, if you ask me.
You are a very interesting person.
You're not so bad yourself.
In fact, you're as much class as this joint's ever seen.
Here.
On the house.
It's French.
Well, almost.
This is the most remarkable man.
I've never met anyone like him.
I don't suppose you have.
He's strong.
I get no thoughts from him at all.
Nothing.
Well, I've never known a man
so able to keep his true feelings completely hidden.
That's because...
No man has ever
been such a mystery to me.
I usually know their thoughts before they do.
But not with me, huh?
No, and I never realized how erotic that could be.
Um... carry my beverage to that table.
We have some things to discuss.
( coin drops into jukebox )
( "How High the Moon" begins)
♪ Somewhere there's music ♪
♪ How faint the tune ♪
♪ Somewhere there's heaven... ♪
Should we tell her?
♪ How high the moon... ♪
I think it would be only fair
but let's allow her the moment.
♪ When love is far away, too... ♪
( shouting ): Food. Food.
Worf, the vermicula.
( shouting ): Food. Food. Food.
( slurping )
Pulaski to Captain Picard.
Go ahead, Doctor.
Our passengers are on their feet.
Understood.
I better get to the Bridge.
What's their condition?
Hungry.
Would you like to be shown to your rooms?
Are you coming, Mrs. Troi?
Not just yet.
Tell William that I'm sorry
but Rex and I are getting married.
Mrs. Troi, your government expects me to deliver you
to the conference on time
and that's what I intend to do.
Pity.
Duty calls, darling.
But I'll be back for you later.
PICARD: Mrs. Troi, there is something
you ought to know about Rex.
Oh?
Imagine, allowing me to go on like that
with that man who doesn't even exist.
But you always say you like surprises, Mother.
Hmm.
Why are they still here?
We thought since you were going to the same conference
you might like to beam down
with the other delegates.
They're not delegates, those two are assassins.
That is an outrage!
Lies!
We demand you transport us at once.
Don't bother to deny it.
Your minds are so unsophisticated
I can read your thoughts in my sleep.
Oh, their robes are lined with ultritium.
Highly explosive.
Virtually undetectable by your transporter.
She is correct, sir.
I am detecting large amounts of ultritium.
Well, of course you are.
They were planning on blowing up the entire conference.
Mr. Worf, take them to Level 5.
Disarm them. Hold them for questioning.
Aye, sir.
Ah, well.
I didn't find a mate, but I did save the conference
as well as your reputations.
All in a day's work, I suppose.
Good-bye, Mrs. Troi...
and thank you.
PICARD: Energize, Chief O'Brien.
Jean-Luc, shame on you
for thinking such a thing.