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were the color of muddy puddles;
her birthmark, the color of poo.
It was Saturday afternoon, and she was bored.
Mary wished she had a friend to play piggybacks with.
Mary's mood ring,
which she'd found in a cereal box, was gray,
which, according to the chart,
meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious, or hungry.
Her only friends were the Noblets
from her favorite cartoon.
They weren't the real ones you bought in the shops
but fake ones that she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompoms,
and the chicken bones salvaged from Friday night's takeaway.
She had to make all her own toys,
and her favorites were shrinkies,
potato chip packets that she had shrunk in the oven.
Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,
worked in a factory attaching the strings to tea bags.
At show-and-tell, she told the class
he could get as many free tea bags as he wanted.
Her favorite tea bag was Earl Grey.
She loved saying, "Earl Grey,"
and would like one day to marry someone called Earl Grey.
They would live in a castle in Scotland,
have nine babies, two ducks,
and a dog called Kevin.
Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Bailey's Irish Cream
and stuff birds he'd found on the side of the freeway.
Mary wished he'd spend more time with her
and less with his dead friends.
She also wished she had some brothers and sisters.
Her mother had told her she was an accident
How could someone be an accident?
Grand-Poppy Ralph had told her that babies were deliberate,
and found by dads at the bottom of their beer
Grand-Poppy Ralph had smelt like pickled onions
and had been a member
of the Frankston Ice Breakers for 51 years.
They swam in winter to feel alive.
Grand-Poppy Ralph had said it made his nipples erect
He had died the year before, aged 74,
and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honor
- "Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia,
Ralph lived a long life, then died of pneumonia."
Mary missed him and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.
A lot of things puzzled Mary,
especially her mother, Vera Lorraine Dinkle.
To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.
- A pretty vicious pull, that one.
And he's out!
Vera liked listening to the cricket while baking,
and her main ingredient was always sherry.
She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-ups that needed constant testing.
slam!
Mary thought her mother tested the sherry...
way too much.
Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always borrowing.
Yesterday, she borrowed some fish fingers from aisle six.
She told Mary she put things up her dress
to save on plastic bags.
Vera was indeed a complicated soul.
- Ooh!
Mary stopped daydreaming
and went and fetched her pet rooster from the rain.
Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freeway
after it had fallen off the back of a slaughter truck.
She named him Ethel.
It was time to watch The Noblets.
She adored The Noblets,
because everyone was brown, lived in a teapot,
and had oodles of friends.
There was nothing nicer, Mary thought to herself,
than the smell of a wet rooster,
the sound of rain on the roof,
and the taste of sweetened condensed milk
straight from the can
while watching your favorite cartoon.
Ah.
Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched The Noblets.
Max's small television had picture but no sound;
his big television, sound but no picture.
He was 44 and liked the Noblets because they lived
in a delineated and articulated social structure
with constant adherent conformity,
and also because they had oodles of friends.
Max had trouble sleeping
and had spent the night watching television
and catching fish food.
He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.
He wondered if he should go to bed and count sheep
or have one more chocolate hot dog.
He thought he'd try both.
But it didn't work.
It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes
since Henry the Eighth had passed away.
And Henry's death had thrown Max's life into disarray.
It had become asymmetrical,
and the sooner he got a new fish, the better
Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
Henry the Ninth.
- Next.
It was shopping day,
and Mary sat patiently while her mother...
borrowed some envelopes.
To fill in time, she scanned the room
and counted how many things were brown.
There was sticky tape, rubber bands,
and a phone book with a picture of a lady
standing in a brown lake with her hand on fire.
"People had weird names in America,"
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself,
funny-sounding people called Rockefeller and Finkelstein.
She wondered what they looked like,
how old they were, and if they were married,
wore glasses, or had found babies in their beer
Maybe in America, people found babies elsewhere.
- Hmm.
They drank a lot of cola.
Maybe they found them in cans.
But no, they wouldn't fit through the hole.
ding!
Mary had an idea.
She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.
She chose a Mr. M. Horowitz.
- Mrs. Dinkle!
Come back here!
Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!
- "Dear Mr. M. Horowitz,
"my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle,
"and I am eight years old, three months, and nine days.
"My favorite color is brown,
"and my favorite food is sweetened condensed milk,
"followed closely by chocolate.
"I have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this.
He doesn't lay eggs but will one day."
pop!
"My mother likes smoking, cricket, and sherry,
"and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.
"Where do babies come from in America?
"Do they come from cola cans?
"In Australia, they are found in beer glasses.
"Here is a drawing of me.
"I can't draw ears proper but am good at teeth.
"It would be great if you could write back
"and be my friend.
"Yours sin-cereal-y,
"Mary Daisy Dinkle.
"P.S., I hope you like
"the chocolate bar I'm also sending.
It's called a Cherry Ripe."
- Mm-mm-mm.
Good-bye, letter!
Don't forget to write.
Max hated Thursdays,
the day of his weekly Overeaters Anonymous meeting,
and tonight he'd felt especially unsettled,
because he'd eaten two chocolate hot dogs
on his way there.
- Okay, class.
Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.
He'd found the night even more unbearable
because of Marjorie Butterworth's strange glances.
- Class dismissed.
Max had trouble understanding
nonverbal signals.
Flirting was as foreign to him as jogging.
Max found most people very confusing,
but little did Max realize
his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.
- Hmm.
He read Mary's letter four times...
and then did what he normally did
whenever confronted with something new and stressful.
Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.
And after staring out of the window for 18 hours,
he finally he made a decision.
ding!
Ah!
"Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
"thank you for the letter,
"which I opened and read at 9:17 p.m.,
"after my Overeaters Anonymous class.
"I am trying to lose weight,
"because my psychiatrist, Dr. Bernard Hazelhof,
says a healthy body equals a healthy mind."
Ooh.
"He says my mind is not that healthy.
"Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself.
"I have never met anyone from Australia.
"Firstly, I will answer your question.
"Unfortunately, in America,
"babies are not found in cola cans.
"I asked my mother when I was four,
"and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis.
"If you aren't Jewish,
"they're laid by Catholic nuns.
"If you're an atheist,
"they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.
"So this is where babies come from in America.
"I share my home with a fish,
"some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists...
"a parakeet called Mr. Biscuit,
"and finally, a cat called Hal.
"Hal is an abbreviation for halitosis,
"from which he suffers.
"He followed me home after a gang of children
shot his eye out with a BB gun."
- "Do you have a pet kangaroo?
"When I was born,
"my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz.
"She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six.
"Do you like chocolate hot dogs?
"I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you.
"When I was young,
"I invented an invisible friend called Mr. Ravioli.
"My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore,
"so he just sits in the corner and reads.
"Last week, I picked up 128 cigarette butts.
"People are always littering in New York.
"I do not understand why people break laws.
"Butts are bad because they wash out to sea,
"and fish smoke them and become nicotine-dependent.
"I am just joking, because, of course,
"it is impossible for a cigarette
"to remain lit underwater.
"Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
"I am 44 years old and have eight tracksuits
"the same color and size.
I weigh 352 pounds..."
Ooh!
"and am as tall as a six-foot tree."
- Welcome to the New York Lottery.
- "I enjoy entering the lottery
"and have chosen the same numbers for nine years.
Those numbers are 3..."
- 1...
- "5..." - 4...
- "6..." - 25...
- "9..." - 2...
- "11..." - 7.
- "And 12." - 8.
- Are you a winner or a loser?
- "I have had many different jobs during my life.
"My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway.
"My second job was
"at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies,
"where I worked at the machine
"that made prepackaged noodle kugels.
"I was born Jewish and used to believe in God
"but have since read many books
"that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination.
"People like to believe in God
"because it answers complicated questions
"like, 'Where did the universe come from?'
"'Do worms go to heaven?'
"'And why do old ladies have blue hair?'
"Even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke,
"as it keeps my brain warm.
"My third job was for a company
"that printed logos on novelty items.
"I worked at the Frisbee printing machine.
"A Frisbee is a circular plastic disk
"that people throw at each other.
"It is like a boomerang, but it does not come back.
"My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty.
"I didn't get paid much
"but got free cookies and coffee.
"Jurors are outstanding members of the community
"who haven't murdered anybody.
"I made it to the short list for a trial
"where a man killed all his friends
"at his own surprise birthday party.
"Unfortunately, I didn't get selected
"because they found out I'd been a mental patient at one point.
"Have you ever been hang gliding?
"My fifth job was as a garbage collector.
"I got to clean up after litterbugs
"and didn't have to talk to anybody.
Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot."
- This is 9-1-1.
Your call has been placed in a queue.
- "One time, the police took me in for questioning
"but let me go when they decided
"I wasn't a threat to anybody except myself.
"The sixth job I had was for the United States Army
"in the stationery supply department.
"Because I am good with numbers,
"I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed.
"One day they did a security check
"and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups.
"I told them I was a member
"of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.
"They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway.
"Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them
"I was once a Communist.
"Have you ever been a Communist?
"Have you ever been attacked by a crow
"or similar large bird?
"When I was nine,
"a crow attacked me on my way to school.
"I had to have three stitches,
"and in spring, I now wear a helmet
"with eyes I have painted on.
"People laugh at me when I wear my helmet,
"but I'm not sure why.
"People often confuse me,
"but I try not to let them worry me.
"New York is a very busy and noisy place.
"I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter,
"like the moon.
"I don't like crowds,
"bright lights, sudden noises, or strong smells.
"New York has all these, especially the smells.
"I often wear nose and earplugs when I go outside.
"It helps keep me calm.
"I find humans interesting,
"but I have trouble understanding them.
"I think, however, I will understand and trust you.
"You appear very happy,
"and I think you would smell like a shrimp,
"as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
"Can you speed-read?
"I have taught myself to read two pages at once:
"one eyeball per page.
"I have to go now,
"even though I have not told you
"about my seventh job in a condom factory.
"Write back soon.
"Your American friend,
"Max Jerry Horowitz.
"P.S., please find enclosed
"a photo from one of those booths.
"P.P.S., thank you for the Cherry Ripe,
"and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do.
"I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk,
"but I will try some this week.
P.P.P.S., I have never used a condom."
Max hoped Mary would write again.
He'd always wanted a friend,
a friend that wasn't invisible, a pet, or rubber figurine.
He counted the stars
and wondered how many days, hours, minutes
it would take his letter to reach Australia.
Vera was not impressed...
Not impressed at all.
There was no way this nutcase was going to be
her daughter's pen-friend, she thought to herself
There was enough ugliness in the world.
Mary would be home from school in an hour,
enough time for another cup of tea and a bit of cricket
to soothe the nerves and dissolve the memory
of Max's letter from her pickled mind.
- And he's out
found the lead for 14, England, 7...
- Stop!
Wait!
Hey, fellas, you got room for one more bag?
- Sure, Mrs. Dinkle.
Hop in!
- Good one, Kevin.
- Oh.
- Come on, Vera,
we've got some other bags to pick up.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
- Mmph!
Mary, is that all your rubbish?
- Yep!
- See ya, toots!
- Sweet baby Jesus.
Even though Max's letter
smelted like fish heads and orange peel,
Mary drank his words like a bowl of alphabet soup
and hadn't been this excited since Grand-Poppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.
She wrote back immediately on some butcher's paper
she'd stolen from some chops.
- "Dear Max, I am so excited you've wroted back.
"I don't think my parents like you,
"so from now on,
"send stuff to my neighbor, Len Hislop,
"at 26 Lamington Drive, Mount Waverley.
"He's old with no legs.
"They got cheweded off in World War II
when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas."
- "Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.
"He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia."
"He's started giving me 500 a week to get his mail.
"I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
"and marry a man called Earl Grey.
"Do you get The Noblets in America?
"Well, my favorite Noblet is Vanity Noblet.
"He wants to be everyone's friend,
"even the boys!
"In your letter, you said you had no friends.
Well, neither do I."
- Mm-hmm! - Ooh!
"Yesterday at school,
"Bernie Clifford weed on my Spam sandwich
"and called me poo-face 'cause of my birthmark.
"I wish I could peel it off like a Band-Aid.
"He also laughed, 'cause I had no buttons.
"Ethel pecked them off,
"and Mum couldn't thread a needle,
"'cause she'd been testing the sherry.
"So she used pegs instead.
"When I got home,
"I climbed into my secret place till dinnertime.
"The other kids also laugh at my haircut.
"Dad has to cut my hair,
"because Mum says real hairdressers sell your hair
"to Chinamen who stuff mattresses.
"My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast, says I should smile more.
"I told my mum,
"and so she drawed a big smile on me.
"I don't think Mrs. Pendergast likes me anymore.
"I better go now.
"My tears are smudg-ling my words.
"Your friend in Australia,
"Mary Daisy Dinkle.
"P.S., have you ever been teased?
"Can you help me?
"P.S.S., I've never been hang gliding before
"or been a Commune-ist
"but would love a Frisbee
"and your recipe for chocolate hot dogs.
"P.S.S.S., I'm sending you some Australian chocolate,
"a pompom I made, and a cake called a Lamington,
which I was meant to eat for lunch."
- "Have you ever been teased?"
Mary's letter triggered memories
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.
- He's going that way.
- We've got him cornered now!
Hey, Jew boy, you're gonna pay.
- Take this, Jew boy!
- Jew boy, Jew boy, Jew boy!
And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.
And 36 chocolate hot dogs later...
And after only two hours' sleep,
Max's meltdown faded away,
and an idea popped into his brain.
ding!
- "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
"thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
"Lamington, and pompom.
"The chocolate got crushed,
"so I blended the bits with milk and ice cream,
"and now I am drinking it right now.
"After much thought,
"I think I have a solution to your teasing.
"Tell Bernie Clifford
"your birthmark is made of chocolate,
"which means when you get to heaven,
"you will be in charge of all the chocolate.
"This, of course, is a lie.
"I do not like lies, but in this case,
"I think it will be of benefit.
"I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate,
"but, of course, I cannot, because of my atheism.
"My neighbor Ivy is also an atheist.
"She doesn't talk much
"but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights.
"She is partly blind,
and sometimes I find her hair in my soup."
Ew...
"I do not tell her,
"as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
"Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights:
Glicks Potato Knish;
Yiddel's Noodle Kugel;
Captain Salty's Fishstix;
Yentl's Cheezy Blintz;
Chiken Nuggets.
"On Saturday nights, I create my own recipes.
"Last week, I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers.
"Recipes are like mathematical equations.
"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me
"you should never weigh more than your refrigerator
"and to never eat anything bigger than your head.
"I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head
"but not all at once.
"Do you have any weight loss suggestions?
"My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be working and just make me tense."
gulp!
"It would be good if there was a fat fairy."
"She would be a bit like the tooth fairy
"but would suck out your fat.
"Ivy says she is only a little bit blind,
"but I think she is very blind.
"She should get a cane
"like other vision-impaired people.
"She could make the end pointy
"and collect rubbish at the same time.
"I think I will write a letter to the mayor and suggest this.
"He will be very impressed.
"Ivy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell."
- "She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut.
She says I smell like licorice and old books."
"I think she smells like cough medicine and urine.
"I have never told her this,
"as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
"People often think I am tactless and rude.
"I cannot understand how being honest can be improper.
"Maybe this is why I don't have any friends,
"of course, except for you.
A real friend has been one of my three goals in life."
Oh!
"The other two are to own every Noblet
"and a lifetime supply of chocolate.
"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals
"but not stupid ones like mine.
"I have now run out of things to tell you.
"Please write soon.
"Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz.
"P.S., do not worry about not smiling.
"My mouth hardly ever smiles,
"but it does not mean I am not smiling
"inside my brain.
"P.P.S., please find enclosed
"a Frisbee, some chocolate Pop Rocks,
"which you should eat with cola,
"and an illustration of a turtle
"from one of my National Geographies.
"P.P.P.S., did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?"
- "Dear Max,
"when I told Bernie Clifford
"I'll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven
and he wouldn't get any, he cried."
"I also hided some dog's poo in his bit of the sand pit.
"Your advice was great,
"and I have got a job delivering pamphlets
"so I can save to come and see you.
"I am sad to hear you are fat.
"Mum says I am fat too,
"and I am growing up to be a heffa,
"which I think is a type of cow.
"Maybe you should only eat things
"beginning with the letter of each day.
"On Mondays, you could only eat
milkshakes, marshmallows, and mustard."
- Ooh.
- "For my birthday, my mum baked a cake,
and Dad gave me a camera."
click!
"I hope you like the photos I sent.
"The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel.
"The next one is of myself
"after I ate the chocolate Pop Rocks
"with the cola like you said.
"Next is Len.
"He's still trying hard not to be afraid of outside
and conquer his homophobia."
clang!
- "The next one is of Dad in his shed
and then one of the times..."
- "I covered Mum while she was asleep
"in her stickers that help her stop smoking.
Next, when I got my Slinky caught in my hair."
- Hmm.
- "Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife Cher.
"And finally, a photo of my other neighbor,
"Damian Popodopolous.
"He's a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid,
"and his skin is smooth like the back of a spoon.
"Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
"and can't even say his own surname.
"She says you have to hit him on the back of the head
to get his words out."
- Popodopolous.
- "I wish he was my boyfriend,
"and we can be in love and do sexing
"like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed.
"She said it's when two people go nuddy
"and rub on each other to make babies.
"I told her she's a liar and would go to hell
"and burn like toast,
"'cause babies really come from beer glasses
"and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and proster-tubes.
"She said ladies get knocked up
"and bake babies in their stomachs for two years
"till they spurt out their vag-eye-nas
"with blood and tinned spaghetti.
"Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives?
"Have you done sexing?
"Valen-time's Day is soon,
"and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me.
Can you explain love and how I can be lovered?"
Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.
Max knew nothing about love.
It was as— it was as foreign to him
as scuba diving,
and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.
One Valentine's Day,
he'd given Zelda Glutnik
a gift he was sure was appropriate.
The only companion that had ever warmed Max's bed
was his hot water bottle.
Romance and love was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.
If only Mary had asked how a toaster works
or asked for an explanation of the chaos theory.
If only there was a mathematical equation...
for love.
He kept eating and thinking.
But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube.
It could not be solved.
And no matter from what angle he analyzed it,
the results were negative.
- Beat it, creep!
He felt love but couldn't articulate it
Its logic was as foreign to him as—
as a salad sandwich.
The stars made more sense.
- Unit 12, have you responded to the Hubert Street call?
The anxiety and stress were too much.
The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.
- Ooh.
He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesity
and spent the next eight months
institutionalized and bedridden.
They marinated him in a cocktail of drugs
and performed the usual therapeutic procedures.
Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.
Maybe Max's typewriter had run out of ink.
Maybe America had run out of ink.
Maybe his pets had eaten him.
Maybe it was her.
Was she too demanding, too boring, too ugly?
Filled with anger, confusion, and self-loathing,
Mary tried to erase the memory of her friend forever
Max had recovered, and life was balanced,
safe, and symmetrical once again.
smooch!
But Mary still lingered in his mind.
Half of him wanted to write to her immediately.
The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.
At least there was always Mr Ravioli to be friends with.
He was a much safer option.
He wondered what Mary was doing right now.
But she was far from content
and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.
Life went on as usual for Max,
and even though he opted for order and stability,
misfortune was never far away.
crash!
Luckily, his manslaughter charges were dismissed
because he was labeled mentally deficient
and unlikely to have a motive for killing a mime artist..
- Oop!
Unlike most people.
From then on, Max cooled himself differently,
and things went back to normal until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.
- Welcome to the New York Lottery,
and these are tonight's winning numbers.
3,
5,
6,
9,
11,
and 12.
Max was sensible with his sudden wealth
and had bought a lifetime supply of chocolate
and the complete Noblet collection.
Two of his life goals had come true,
but he still had a lot of money
so decided to give it to Ivy...
- Oh!
Who was also very sensible...
crash!
Until her own numbers came up.
Ivy willed everything to the local cat shelter,
whose owner relocated her kind donation
to his bank account,
his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari,
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.
Despite achieving all his life's goals,
Max still felt incomplete.
Mr Ravioli
just wasn't cutting the mustard anymore
and seemed more interested in his self-help books.
Mary had given Max a taste of real friendship,
and there was just no comparison.
She missed him too but no longer saved to see him.
She now saved for a different reason.
One day, Mr. Ravioli got up, left, and never came back.
Max sought Dr. Hazelhofs advice.
He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart, not through the eyes,
and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true sell
warts and all.
Max understood.
"Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
"there is something I have to tell you
"which will explain why I have not written.
"Each time I received one of your letters,
"I had a severe anxiety attack.
"This is because recently,
"while I was in a mental institution,
"they diagnosed that I have a new thing
"called Asperger's syndrome,
"which is a neurobiological,
"pervasive, developmental disability.
"I prefer 'Aspie' for short.
"I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie.
"Number one:
"I find the world very confusing and chaotic
"because my mind is very literal and logical.
I have trouble understanding
"the expressions on people's faces.
"When I was younger,
I made a book to help me when I was confused."
smack!
"I still have trouble with some people.
"Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles
"and because her eyebrows weren't real.
I have bad handwriting, am hypersensitive..."
Ahh!
"Clumsy,
"and can get very concerned.
I like solving problems.
Ivy said this is a good thing."
- "And finally, number five:
"I have trouble expressing my emotions.
"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective,
"but one day, there will be a cure for my disability.
"I do not like it when he says this.
"I do not feel disabled, defective,
"or a need to be cured.
"I like being an Aspie.
"It would be like trying to change the color of my eyes.
"There is one thing I wish I could change, however.
I wish I could cry properly."
"I squeeze and squeeze, but nothing comes out.
"I cry when I cut onions, but this does not count.
"Anyway, do you like the word 'kumquat'?
"It is a type of fruit.
"Do you have a favorite-sounding word?
"My top five are:
"ointment, bumblebee,
"Vladivostock, banana, and testicle.
"I have also invented some new words:
"confuzzled, which is being
"confused and puzzled at the same time;
"snirt, which is a cross between snow and dirt,
"and smushables...
"which are squashed groceries
"you find at the bottom of the bag.
"I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people
"asking them to include my words
"but have not heard back.
"It is now time for me to go
"to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
"There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth
"who confuzzles me.
smooch!
"She kisses me without my permission,
"so tonight I have decided to rub onions
"under my armpits to repel her.
Your friend in America, Max Jerry Horowitz."
Hmm.
"P.S., please find enclosed
"some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli.
"P.P.S., not much has happened since I last wrote,
"except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win, and Ivy's death."
Mary was thrilled Max had finally written
and suddenly had a fabulous idea.
- Aha!
ding!
Mary and Max's friendship was resuscitated,
and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.
Inside Max's head, his brain was smiling.
Loaded up with bizarre forms of chocolate,
their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.
Max learned to read Mary's letters with caution,
and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop, take his medication,
and soothe his nerves.
Each letter he would iron, laminate,
and file in a special place,
which also soothed his nerves.
He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like,
"Do sheep shrink when it rains?"
"Why do old men wear their pants so high?"
"Do gooses get goose bumps?"
"And why is belly button lint blue?"
"Are there Noblets in heaven?"
"And if a taxi goes backwards, does the driver owe you money?"
In turn, Mary simply enjoyed hearing
about Max's fascinating life:
how many people he'd counted littering...
crash!
How the latest Henry had died...
And new recipes he'd invented for chicken.
Each nourished the other,
and as Mary grew taller,
Max grew wider,
their friendship becoming stronger than the glue
on Mary's Noblets.
Although Max found solace in Mary,
he still found the rest of the world bewildering,
and he couldn't understand
why he was seen as the odd one
while everyone else was considered normal.
Humans were endlessly illogical.
Why did they throw out food
when there were children starving in India?
Why did they clear the rain forests
when they needed the oxygen?
And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?
He agreed with his favorite physicist
that there are only two things infinite:
the universe and man's stupidity.
And for Mary, even though Max filled her with confidence...
- Bull's-eye!
Her world was far from perfect
- Opa!
The grip of love had her by the throat
At 4:59 p.m.
on the 8th of the 8th, 1988...
Noel Norman Dinkle attached his last string,
and after 40 years and 40 million tea bags,
he retired.
To celebrate, Noel announced he was retiring from taxidermy
and taking up metal detecting instead.
But sadly, it was not a hobby he had for long.
In his will, Noel had left Mary some money,
so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,
yearning to learn more about her friend.
Mary was as popular at university
as she was at school.
Damian went there too, aching to be a thespian.
- Hi, there, M-M-Mary.
- Hi.
Hello.
splat!
- Hey, Damian,
your mum's roses look fab!
- Ah, th-thanks, Mary.
Urn, Mary, can I tell you something?
- Sure, babe!
- Urn—urn—
you've got d-d-d-dog's poo on your shoe.
"Dear Max, I have been such an idiot.
"I've wasted all my money on something pointless
"when I should have been saving to see you.
"I know love upsets you,
"so I won't go on about it.
"All I want to say is that love is obviously not for me.
"I hope you are well
"and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.
Love, Mary."
gulp!
Hmm.
Mm.
- Oh, you should be ashamed!
- Come on, Bethany, let's go.
- Oh, Mom!
- I told you never to talk to strangers,
you naughty girl.
ding!
Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guilt,
and she coped in the only way she knew.
- "Dear Max,
"our wedding day was everything that I've ever dreamt,
"making up for the terrible year I've had.
"Although all the guests were Damian's family and friends,
"I felt very welcome.
crash!
"Damian is so perfect.
"He even made my wedding dress.
"And for our honeymoon,
"he took me to Mykonos, his favorite island in Greece.
"I got to ride a donkey
"and found the perfect gift for Len.
"Poor Len.
He's still struggling with his agoraphobia."
crash!
- "Damian and I are so similar.
"He even has his own pen-friend
who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand."
- Mary?
M- M-M-Mary?
Mary?
Mary was bursting with self-esteem,
and her confidence was almost unbearable.
At university, she shone
and took it upon herself
to cure the world of mental illness.
She did her thesis on Asperger's syndrome
and used Max as her case study.
Her professors were thoroughly impressed
and her writing praised far and wide.
Soon, publishers queued to print her unique insight,
and by her 25th birthday,
thousands of copies were ready to be shipped.
- "Dear Max,
"I am very proud to give you the very first copy of my book
"about your disability
and the hopes that we have to one day cure it."
"Even more exciting is that I'm finally coming
"to meet and celebrate with you in one week's time.
"I'm also gonna give you half the royalties.
"Your loving friend, Mary.
P.S., please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds."
Max didn't take the news very well...
Not very well at all.
- "Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
"I cannot express myself very clearly at this moment,
"and so I will list my emotions
"in the order they feel most intense:
"hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal,
"discomfort, distress, and wheeziness.
"This last one is not really an emotion,
but I thought you should know about it anyway."
With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said good-bye to Damian.
She hadn't been this excited
since she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.
But her excitement suddenly dribbled away
like a chocolate in the sun.
Mary slowly sank into a puddle of depression,
self-loathing, and cooking sherry.
The only color left in her life was her beloved Damian,
only an arm's length away but as distant as the moon.
She lost interest in the world, and it lost interest in her
as a horrible apparition began to haunt
She started to spend her nights making pompoms
and eating two-minute noodles.
Hmm.
Each day, with strength and shame,
Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,
only to swivel, shrivel,
and slink back inside.
thud!
- "My dearest Mary,
"by the time you read this,
"I will be on a plane to New Zealand
"to begin a new life.
"You probably haven't even noticed I'd packed my bags.
"I have fallen in love with— with my pen-friend, Desmond.
"and I'm going to live on his sheep farm.
"It's been hard to watch you
"become a remnant of the person I once loved.
"Your research into m-m-mental illness
"has been admirable,
"but your i-i-idealistic pursuit to remedy it has been misguided.
"Mary, you have to realize,
"you are not some sort of magic beauty cream
"you can smooth on the world to rid of its wrinkles.
"I love you, Mary,
"but I love Desmond more.
"I hope one day your heart will heal,
"and we can be friends.
Yours compassionately, Damian."
thud!
- Aargh!
"Dear Mayor Ridiculani,
"on Monday, I counted 27 people
"illegally dropping cigarette butts.
"I would like to recommend
"the fine be increased to a minimum of $1 million
"as a stronger deterrent,
and would be happy..."
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Sorry.
- "Dear Mary,
"please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection
"as a sign that I forgive you.
When I received your book..."
What?
On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.
He felt complete.
The world was back in balance.
- When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera
- Ah!
Len had saved the day.
And after 45 years,
he finally conquered his agoraphobia.
- Moron!
- "Dear Mary,
"please find enclosed
"my entire Noblet collection
"as a sign that I forgive you.
"When I received your book,
"the emotions inside my brain
"felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
"smashing into each other.
"The hurt felt like when I accidentally
"stapled my lips together.
"The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect.
"You are imperfect, and so am I.
"All humans are imperfect,
"even the man outside my apartment who litters.
"When I was young,
"I wanted to be anybody but myself.
"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said if I was on a desert island,
"then I would have to get used to my own company,
"just me and the coconuts.
"He said I would have to accept myself,
"my warts and all,
"and that we don't get to choose our warts.
"They are a part of us, and we have to live with them.
"We can, however, choose our friends,
"and I am glad I have chosen you.
"Dr. Bernard Hazelhof also said that everyone's lives
"are like a very long sidewalk.
"Some are well-paved.
"Others, like mine, have cracks,
"banana skins, and cigarette butts.
"Your sidewalk is like mine,
"but probably not as many cracks.
"Hopefully one day our sidewalks will meet,
"and we can share a can of condensed milk.
"You are my best friend.
"You are my only friend.
"Your American pen pal, Max Jerry Horowitz.
"P.S., I have recently found the perfect job
"with a survey company.
"All I have to do is eat things
and tick boxes."
- Max?
Max?
Hello?
Max, it's us.
We're here.
Max?
Max had died peacefully that morning,
after finishing his final can of condensed milk.
- You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.
He smelted like licorice and old books,
she thought to herself,
as tears rolled from her eyes,
the color of muddy puddles.